I'm Still Learning

I've been bad.  With all my perfect and wonderful advice here I give online :) I screwed it all up.  Its been going on since Saturday, its about that email from his SIL.

So ### and I will be off Friday Aug 21 till we'd Sept 2...you coming to camp??

planning on going ,will be leaving on the 27th , leave me a list of what you want me to bring , have to work on sept 2

I'm not sure I got  most of it covered...maybe stuff for sandwiches if you want to eat some fishing any snacks you want..we always bring to much anyway...see ya soon

  

He sees no problem with the email.  Yes its his email and I highjacked it, That was utterly wrong of me, and I know it.  But as you can see from the email he left me out too.

He also thinks, and takes for granted that we both are to go and he had no need to ask me.  So I am a little grateful all this happened because it exposed that we have this problem.  Maybe it is not a problem, but I have a problem with invisiblility.  I always have.  It was my upbringing.  And no matter how much I try to explain it to him, its like talking to a wall.

It escalated to an argument.  I was getting into some awful namecalling of his SIL, and he took offense.  He's been angry at me ever since, thinking I'm blowing the whole thing out of proportion.  I don't think so.

Now I don't like to call everyone who I don't get along with a narcissist.  I don't.  That would be terrible.  But, there is one thing, I think I go by and that is that a normal person do human things that are hurtful, a narcissist does inhuman things that hurt you.  And when it hits you out of nowhere, and a horrible thing happens and the perpetrator comes out smelling like a rose but I know its a friggin rat and I am blamed for it, I take that as a red flag.

I called her a whore and he was angry about that.  Truth is, his SIL has shown her boobs in front of him once.  Or twice, I don't know I wasn't with him.  Then there was the time she teased me and acted superior over me cause I'm a wimp and she is not.  This all sounds so normal, but I know what that thing is.

Normal people usually get caught.  Now I know I'm not explaining this well, there are other ACONS that do this better.

I'll stick to what I want to do anyway, and that is work on the problem caused.

So I started out right in attack mode.  This was not done very well by me and I knew better, but when you are hurt and angry, it is a terrible foundation.  It's ok if things don't go well, its ok when the whole thing blows up in a mess.  This is valuable learning.  I know I can express myself fully but the whole thing went south.

What did I learn?  Not sure yet, just not to do that again.  It only put him on the defensive and didn't establish anything else.  But I felt better, got to cry some, and that is all necessary.

I asked him, "I didn't start this mess, why are you blaming me?"

He answered, "There is no mess, no one did anything, you're just a drama queen."

You see with my breaking down and blowing up, I lost a tinge of respect.  Drama queen coming from him is a nasty word.  But I did a little more worse than that.

I went into his email by myself.  OMG, this goes against my morals here.  And it didn't bode so well for him.  It wasn't till Saturday night that he brought it up.  He knows I opened his email because it opens everything up.

I tried my own advice.  Its funny I made that post on Understanding just a few days before all this happened.  I told him that I felt vulnerable, humiliated.  This whole thing is not sitting well with me and I feel a little crazy.

He has freedom, his ow boundaries, and I honor that.  I respect that.  But take away my significance you will lose everything.  I learned that about myself.

You know a part of me feels so foolish for bringing up this problem and it should be ok, it is a misunderstanding.  But the next second I remember her email where she and her husband are mentioned and my husband and no me.

I am plotting revenge here in my mind, but I never was very good at that, and will do nothing to help my relationship.  DON'T MARRY A DUMBASS FRENCHMAN.

Just kidding, but he is telling me that I am overreacting and that is not true.  He didn't even mention anything about me going, so we definitely have a problem.

Ok, I do have skills in this.  First I have to go to my emotions and rely on my ability to own my own significance here.  No one else can give it to me and no one else can take it away, and start from there.

I am to be valued by others right?  They don't have to value me, but if I project significance it can be felt by others.  Anything that we project can be felt.

I feel in my body where these horrible emotions are coming from.  I must never allow myself to believe in positive thinking.  It can destroy.  We are multi-dementional humans.  We mustn't ever just have the one emotion of happiness.

So I can come from a place of happy or sad or whatever.  It doesn't matter.  Words don't matter, just take a hold of my feelings and give them full acknowledgement.

I felt so hurt underneath it all, and I told him this with full emotion.  I went into his email trying to reread her email, hoping I got it wrong.  But there it was still staring me in the face and this hurt so bad.  You have no idea how much it hurts me.  The pain I felt, was like no other.  I haven't felt this horrible in such a long time.  We were doing so well.  He was always calling me from work, he is working now and he won't call me.  Not all week.

Then I started to think, "What would a normal person feel from this email?  Would they just brush it off?  Was it just me, and my history of torment causing me to feel this way?"

I know most people brush stuff off.  And assume the best of others.  I don't think as an ACON that I can do that.  Do I have to spend the rest of my life being paranoid?  Why does everything have to be so complicated and confusing.

So as of right now, I'm not sure if I'm doing the right thing.  I don't want to take a harmless situation and blow it up, as he was saying.

I met his SIL about 4 times in my life and at least one meeting she referred to me as being a wimp. And now this.  I think this is a issue.  The trip is not til the end of August.  What I would like and want more than anything, would be that he would address her email, and correct her behaviour about leaving me out.  That is all I want.  I'm not interested in attacking anyone, I just want him to fix this. I can't.  Only he can.  But he doesn't even acknowledge that there is a problem.  So what can I do?

I can argue with him.  Didn't work.  There are other ways.  I like the science behind this, it gives me more confidence.  From everything I have learned about my relationship site, I will have to put a plan into place.  There will be some trial and error, I might be at this for a bit.

First step, is feel your body and emotions.  Do the two step if I have to.  Get out of unproductive emotions.  This seething anger is not working.  I will still be angry, but I am not one-dimensional here, I can be angry and still operate from a place of love.  Just feel the anger and let it take over. Then allow other emotions in as well.

Love is still there.  It has never left me.  It only goes aside when I war with significance. Significance does have a place in life, without it we wouldn't last long.  You do have to count.  Its when we fight for it, it is a bloody battle, tearing into others.

So I put that into perspective.  Ok, it happens, its ok.  I decided to do my sewing projects all Sunday afternoon and night. Give him some space, give me some quiet time, settle my nerves.  Enjoy myself.

I was going to cook dinner but he didn't want it.  So I made myself a box of mac and cheese and he ate the leftover from the pot. :/  Yeah, I know he didn't want dinner.  I guess both of us wanted our significance here but we had to eat.

After having some time to cool off, I was able to find out from him that it was the namecalling of his SIL that made him mad.  I told him I don't blame him after all he knew his SIL a lot longer than me. And he said there were never any problems before.  Yuck, I hated hearing that.  That only means that she is a more devious and evil narc than most.

I explained to him that slut shaming is very common in women.  That sex is a limited resource and we don't want it dispersed so widely.  This is the law of the jungle.

I don't know.  I feel it horrible to label narcs at times.  But I do want to be judgemental here.  This thing happened, it made a horrible mess, and I still wanted it fixed.  But I didn't want to start another fight.  I didn't have the energy left anymore.  I found this peace and love, and I preferred to just feel those emotions instead, at least for now.  I knew that things were volatile and could blow up at anytime, but from love I had more power.  A blowup can happen, but I seem to have better words and emotions from this place.  At least for now.

So I went back upstairs to my sewing room, and he fell asleep on the couch.

The words were incredible that came to my mind.  I have some really damaged emotions.  Anything can trigger my hurt, pain, anxiety, I can feel that for no reason at times.  I needed to understand that about myself.  Afterawhile, I went back downstairs and he was awake and didn't seem to be angry anymore.  Now I am at a position of power but I wasn't sure what to do yet.  I still am shaky with my emotions as they are so unstable.

We talked about regular things.  The subject didn't get brought up.  Now what do I do?  This might take some work.  I wasn't trying to get him to hate his SIL just to fix the problem.  Now why was I telling myself that for?  For, gulp, for approval?  Was I saying stuff for approval.

Oops.  Back to retreat, back to myself.  I realized right there and then, I wasn't accomplishing anything anymore.  I was almost ready to call him a douchebag, actually I might have.

You see, its not about the email.  Its not about him.  Its not about everyone being stupid around me.

It was about me.  I was in pain, and I was causing myself more pain each and every moment I spent in that room with him.  And he was going further and further into asshole state.

I went into my sewing room and I didn't think about anything for awhile.  I had some projects going on and it was at a fun part.  That's what I decided to focus on.  Everything else didn't matter.  After awhile I started to think about how I was feeling.  Or rather what was missing.  My self-esteem was gone.  A word can be said at me and I felt more than just hurt, I felt suffocated.  Invisible.  That I was gone.  Dead.  Non-existence.  I didn't matter to him or to anyone.

But was any of that true?  Did I matter?  Did I have significance?  Did I count?  I started to give myself permission to actually believe that I was all that and then some.  I was made in the image of God.  There is no higher calling than that.  I had awaken to the truth about my childhood.  I knew now what caused me so much pain all my life.  I am normal despite coming from an impossible situation.

If you are an ACON, you are a miracle too.  If you are writing or contributing to comments, and can do it, you are a miracle.  I can never get over that.

Now, I am being attacked again.  And my husband is contributing to my pain.  But I am contributing to it too.  I allowed them to take away everything that makes me human.  Those esteem substances. So I just focus on those for now.

You know what though?  Does it feel good when you have been wronged and you fight back the way I did?  Yes, I know its normal, and I'm sure many have done it, but does it feel strange when you enjoy it?  They take away and you try to get it back?  It fills the emptiness inside.   It was what caused me to go into his email and steal it.

It doesn't feel good, after awhile, you have stomped on someone else's boundaries.  I had tried it all my life and usually in embarrassing ways.   Just to get even.  It was what I was taught, but it feels horrible to do that to someone.  Once my nerves settled, I start focusing on the bad treatment I dished out, not what they did to me.  And that felt worse.

Therein lies this child.  She doesn't feel safe unless she does attack.  If she can attack.  I know I can attack him, but most of my life I have been powerless.  I couldn't fight back.  Usually the horrible circumstances wouldn't let me.  But I took him on though, cause I knew I can.

He didn't make it easy.  But he still doesn't understand this stuff.  The last go around we had with me under attack was a while ago now.  And that took him a long time to deal with it.  If we didn't live so remote these attacks would be constant occurrences in my life and he would have to get used to them.

Why does he not realize the email was all wrong.  Maybe he does, but this is hard for him.  Well, I'm not going to start feeling sorry for him.  If he grew some, you know what, this problem would be handled right now.  But he didn't.

He is afraid.  How do I know he is afraid?  It is because at the time we met I was so horribly afraid and we can only attract what we are.  There is a long explanation for that one.  But, yeah, I feel he is afraid.  I think he knows more about this now, and its very real to him.

Here is an absolute scientific fact.  I stay in this sewing room until I get all my stuff back that they took.  All my esteem and stuff.  It felt wonderful.  I was going to a wonderful place.  No matter what happened, I was significant, no matter what anyone did, I was significant.  I counted.  It was his SIL who wrote that email and that was wrong.  But it was on her.  I had all my stuff back.  I was hurt by it and that is acknowledged by me.  He was wrong for not fixing it.  It was his SIL, and if he wants to be a wimp about it, then that is on him too.  What was my part in it?  Not acknowledging this in the first place.

I should have just told him, that the email was wrong and what about me, and left it alone.  Then let him deal with his fears.  Do I have the power to influence him now?   Of course I do.  My strength should bring out the best in him.  By my not standing idly by and allowing us to settle and I continue in my love self, this should work out.

I feel so much love for myself, isn't that great?  I am significant.  I do count.  No matter what anyone else does or says, it is still the case.  As I was working on my sewing projects I realized something. Love.  It casts away all fears.  Does courage does?  What is courage anyway?  Courage is the ability to reach out to love.  I had realized all this stuff that Jesus says about love.  It is the conqueror here.

So what do I do?  I believe in that love to conquer it all for me.  I can't tell what he'll do, or say, or if he will even fix the problem.  I don't want to go to that camp and spend five days with that freak anyway.  I have had it up to here with freaks.  If I don't allow my own family in my life, I will not let them.  I am afraid I am done with his SIL for life, unless God says so.

Right now I can't cope with freaks.  If he wants to go, I am ok with it.  I'll choose to understand. It is not a revenge thing, I'm actually afraid that he will think that I have a revenge plot.  No matter.  It doesn't matter what he thinks.  I WILL NOT SEEK APPROVAL EVEN IT APPEARS THAT I SHOULD.

Its so simple actually.  I present to him my highest value self and just stay like that.

I decided to check every word that came out of my mouth from then on.  Was the words I speaking oblivious to what I was feeling inside?  Did I try to make sure that I was using words that gave me the most respect?  Or was I trying to sound cool?  I decided right from then that every word I would speak would be a real authentic word straight from my heart.  There is nothing else for me to do right now but that.