No More Douchebags Allowed

Well, who would have thought I would have the soap opera among the ACON blogs?  lol not me. Just kidding.  Its ok, because it simply is amazing to pull apart and write out thoughts, struggles and pain that is hard for me to do on my own.  The acknowledgement of doing it online means so much. So stay tuned for the next episode.

But this is an ACON  blog.  As such, I do want to make sure I bring at least a little value that way. This posting is about the fear we face (for good reason) but we must do something about it or we just keep getting hurt.  Glean what you will.

As I've been writing about my feelings, I noticed how much I have learned about myself, in very important ways.  I always had this pain, struggle which kept trying to keep me safe?  Don't know if that makes sense.  Well, the fear kept me locked down into finding safe ways to live.  And I am realizing now that it is no way to live.

For instance, I went through the panic and just went with it till it was gone on its own.  Next, I got down to the point where I was hurting, but the hurting was not so bad as to overtake me.  Then I got to see things so much more clearly.  I have never done this in the past.

Yes, I know I am hurting now, and nothing has been done about my problem, but I still trust him enough that he will do the right thing by me.  I have placed so much value in this relationship and gave everything, never holding anything back.  Last night he said his arm was sore (from a long ago injury), and said he wanted his ointment. I said, "Yeah?"  And that was it.  Then he got angry, shot out of the room and went to pout.  You see, before he didn't have to say much because I was always ready with the ointment and I would put it on his arm.  He was completely used to this.  And this was never something I did to "make him happy".  This is something I did because "I wanted to make him happy".  Can you see the difference here?  I don't know if he went without his ointment or not, but it is just difficult for me to even go near him now.

For years now, I've been working hard on myself.  Getting myself together, and working on bringing value to his life, with finding out and catering to what his core values, needs are and meeting them.  I never interfere with his needs regarding any of those.  When he is grouchy, or dry or tired, I bring a happy demeanor to him, and I know this has meant a great deal to him.

Now he is willing to sacrifice everything in order to meet up with his SIL.  And you know, I can't do the things that I do for him anymore.  There has to be some kind of desire in me to do that.  I know probably I am doing everything wrong now in the relationship department, and I should be making an effort in trying to understand him, but my flow isn't there, you know?

So yeah, I know all this stuff about myself, and even though I am hurting now, there is no raging fear (there is still fear though), but mostly just the hurt, which is real, it is very authentic.  Its difficult when you trust someone, and that trust gets put on the line.  My mind has been thinking that maybe he and his SIL get together for a booty call every few years and now is about the time.  I've only been with him for 4 years.  And maybe his ex didn't care and allowed it to go on for she felt she couldn't do any better.  I know this crap happens in the real world.  Just the fact that he is willing to leave me alone for a week, is enough to make me cringe.  That's not the man I actually crave, he is not being attentive and loving because I'm terrified of everything and he knows that.  Not far from here, a bear broke into someone's house recently.  He knows that.  So I really don't understand what is going on with him.

So, I am ok with realizing this stuff, for before it had me always me racing to fix everything.  Make it go away, never wanting to face any truth.  And that goes right along with being an ACON.  Make me keep the douchebag for that is all I'll ever deserve.

I know what I want.  I choose to need a good man.  Not just need a man because I'm desperate but choose to need him.  For everything.  Yes, I'm sure I can take care of myself, I can make my own money for pete's sake.  Not if I had to make my own money, but I can make my own money.  But I actually choose to need him for everything.  Maybe some women look down on this.  Then I think they are just angry because they are unwilling to face their own fear and just come out with what they want.

I'm sure my husband's SIL is like that.  She makes her own money.  She is what you might call an independent woman.  And here is the funny thing, a woman on my relationship site said that when she marketed herself on the dating market as an independent woman all she met were douchebags who were so unwilling to even buy dinner.  And they even expected sex after.  Isn't that horrible?  Is that the respect I am looking for?  No.

Or some work really hard on the cooking and cleaning aspect of things and hope that will bring the passion?  Crap like housework only costs a few bucks to pay for and so many women are putting great value in it.  It is not that, I'll say it again, it is not that.  It doesn't matter how clean I keep the house.

Suppose he goes on this camping trip by himself (of course) and comes back and tells me that I need to learn to be independent for he is spouting out smear campaigns left over from his SIL.  Won't that just be hilarious?  I am not scared, for I know what I want and need and I do want and choose to depend on him.  And it is ok for me to choose a good loving man.  Right?  I don't choose to need a narcissistic man, or a man who listens and heeds what every narcissist tells him, I choose to need a good, loving man.  Yes, fear is knocking on my door right now telling me that I gotta get independent now or SIL will smear me.  Gotta do better than her, just gotta.  But......Nah.

As far as my capacity to trust him goes, yes I still have that.  And he is on his holidays after work tonight, I didn't sleep again last night, he was here trying to get my attention.  He likes to discuss things with me regarding work and last night was no exception so I tried really hard to meet this need.  This core value he needs to talk and get things off his chest.  I noticed I couldn't look at him the way I always done.  I always look at him with love and admiration and appreciation that I always feel for him.  But not now.

Every relationship has its trials, and I have got to realize that.  I must be willing to feel pain.  That is the key word here is "willing".  It is part of life.  I know the MN mother made me so unwilling to feel pain before, like it was some horrible dreaded thing, but its ok now.  I'm an adult and the feeling may be terrible, but it won't overtake me and cause me to do something stupid.

I know what I must do.  I have to forget his SIL for now, not block it mind you, but put it in perspective.  Then I have to be willing to be vulnerable.  Not saying I'm going to do it tonight, or tomorrow, just prepare myself for it.  I don't come at him with attacking, which will put him on the defensive.  Attacking won't be authentic anyway.

Fear is telling me right now to block him out.  Don't tell him how I feel about everything, or he will knock you to the ground.  Yes, he could knock me to the ground and take whatever significance I got. He can take my self-esteem and all the good stuff I've been working so hard on.  Yep, he can do that for sure.  I have got to realize that.  And accept it if it happens.

There is a real asshole side to him that I am pretty much had it with by now.  But at the same time I know there is a real loving and good side to him too.  I have to bring that out in him, it does not just easily happen. Now I must choose to get vulnerable.  And I mean really vulnerable.  I tell him I am afraid, I am scared of the bears and boogeyman, and tell myself that it is ok to be afraid of that stuff.

In other words, tell him the truth.  I have to tell him that I need him, and I need to feel safe right now, and that I don't feel safe.  Tell him that I can't even sleep at night anymore for the night brings me all the fears I know I'll have to be facing when he goes away.  Tell him that I keep thinking the darkness looms, even when he is away on nightshift.  But now he'll be gone for 5 whole days, and even tell him that I don't know how I'll go without sleep for 5 days.  And tell him that we have never been apart for so long, and I don't want to be apart.  He might ask me if I want to go on the trip, but you see, I have found a way out of that.  I just tell him that they don't want me to go.  And if he says that it is just a misunderstanding, then I say that the email says it all to me, and I feel horrible about that.  And even say that I don't know how he could let his family treat me that way.  Tell him that I need to know that he wants me on that trip and I can't feel that way, not now it is too late.

Even if he emails his SIL and asks if I can come too, I just tell him the trip is spoiled for me because I know that is not what they want, that I feel that he is forcing them.  Tears, cry, feel this authentic pain shoot right through me and choose to allow him to see me that way.  And I do not cover up anything. I remove all my self-protection, watch what comes out of my mouth, such as, "Its ok....", or "I'm ok..." or "I'll have to manage I guess...." anything that sounds remotely like I can take care of myself. Or anything remotely looking like I will take care of myself will have to be out of my language. Apparently, now, when I do this right, he will have no choice, for in his heart, he will not be able to leave me in such a state.  He can't, he can't, he can't.  I know it will be impossible for him to leave then.  Unless of course he has another need that tops this.  And if that is the case then I will need to know this.  Time for me to grow up.  Time for me to stop attracting the douchebag in him, and attract the loving and caring.  And if the loving and caring doesn't exist then I need to know that, maybe it was in my head all this time, I need to know.  And I must be prepared to feel that pain also.  But that pain I will keep to myself.

But I am willing to have faith that he'll storm right on the computer, and put his SIL on notice, make sure she doesn't pull this crap again.  That is all I am willing to accept.  Absolutely nothing less.  I know I can't accept anything less authentically, anything else I would be lying to myself and to him. And I love him enough to show him the truth about me.

I just go with the fear and panic even, and be really vulnerable.  It might not look very good or "strong" of me, I get that, but its all ok.  It is all ok.  This is authentic, this is how I really feel.  This is the gift, the "high value" that I gift him with.  There is no greater value and I must choose to undertand that this makes me very, very high value.  To bring the good, loving, caring, generous out in a man.  I don't care of the douchebag part anymore.  He can save that side of himself for his job, when he has to be mean there.

His SIL is actually very irrelevant to me right now.  A non matter, a flake.  Boob flopping and all.

When I do all that (I know it'll feel horrible, I know) I'll see the truth.  Am I so needy as to hang onto him even if he is a douchebag?  Or am I caring enough to demand the best of him?  I do have faith in him, and I am willing to have that faith in him, and let the stones fall where they will, and be willing to pick up the pieces for myself, if I have to.  Not all men deserve this high of a value, and I need to see if he does.