Sunday, May 22, 2016

A Post Abuse Cover-Up and Denial Tactic
Think I'm just going to write this as it plays along.  So right now, we have had not talks regarding SIL, and I have noticed that DH got an email about the finished garage from his other brother, not the husband of SIL, the other one, pooping his pants the day of the freakfest.  And he got the email from his brother, so the pictures of the finished garage are up.

Now, now, the freak is in a panic.  She is no longer emailing DH, she can't be.  She is getting her husband to send the emails to DH third party.  I have hurt her feelings.

Nah.  You see what's happening here?  This has now become triangulation.  It is festering to the boiling point where all kinds of discriminatory things are going to be happening beneath the surface, at this point.  Where DH will be frozen out by his brothers because of me.  I am the culprit, I am to be blamed.  She must not know I am awake and aware of the little game.  They pay an awful price for grandiosity, don't they?

Well, DH is sleeping off his nighshift, in a few minutes I'll be going into town.  I have a feeling I am not to change my routine at this point, but continue with life, don't let fear ever take over your life.

This has got me to thinking of my life as a target.  The SIL is only one in a long list of MNs who have sought out to destroy me.  I'm not even feeling sorry for DH.  He's playing along.  Shall I tell him what is really going on, so that he can think I've completely lost my mind?

Its a strange reality we ACON's see.  I'm betting, that DH will tell me that he wants us all to get along and be friends and make up and that we will fix this.  Doesn't that sound wonderful?  Isn't it great to live in a world of sunshine and rainbows like that?

Here's the problem with that.  I would be perfectly willing to accept everything as a complete misunderstanding.  I would be.  The only problem, it is not a human that we are talking about here. From my experience, the game goes on, till I am completely destroyed, and abolished, the MN will not rest till she gets what she wants.  Then she will wipe her bum and move on.  I don't have to tell DH that he has to make a choice, she is doing it for me.  This is a heartless creature who is beyond contempt.  And if DH would look, he would actually see that.  She has committed assault, character assassination, robbery, you name it.  All the sins in the book are right there if you see it.  This could never happen with a normal person, never, it wouldn't happen, let me assure you.  They can't, but an MN, this is what they live for.  Somehow, this will be set up to fall on my shoulder's.  The MN has started the wheels in motion, with the ignoring. From my experience of MN's this only means that they are going in for the kill, and I am a target.

To be brutally honest here, I want to stand up and fight.  I have never won with these terrible beasts, not once.  Most of my life, well actually, all of my life I have not even known about it.  Now I do. Something needs to be done.  The deplorable state of the condition I'm in is that I am abusing her. Now she has to ignore me.  So what is next?  Well, pressure will be intensified for DH, and she is actually punishing him.  She is punishing him.  For not doing what he is being ordered, and that is to get rid of me.  She is using tactics that go way below the belt, and she is able to make my yoo hoo into the gravest sin.  This looks like I started it, and this is why I have to stand my ground, and not argue him down, or give way to anything he is saying to me right now.

Please don't think this is just a loyalty issue I'm having with him.  I have been a target all of my life, and I have never amounted to anything, and it was all due to an MN seeking out to destroy me.  In fact, I can't remember a time I got to rest from these creatures, ever.  Not one day I have not been a target.  So this goes way beyond what I see in DH and his disloyalty.  This is more than jealousy and rage on my part.  This is a system in place that is set out to destroy me.  She did get a little supply from me way back in the beginning, now she is steaming mad she can't get no more, so the only use for me is to bring me down.  She is playing the poor wee little victim.

Trust me, she has not given up.  I have so much experience in how this all plays out, its disgusting. She has gone to war.  I don't even care right now about DH's part in this.  This is not an argument between me and his SIL.  This is a battle to the death between me and a disgusting excuse for a human being.  I am fully aware of what is going on here.

Now, when DH wakes up, and he is fully restored to his sleep, I will be getting some answers from him.  Now is the time for me to fight dirty.  Use every weapon I possibly can, I will expose the freak for what it is.

Now, I am going to be quiet and hear what he has to say.  That will be my starting point.  I will have to watch my fleas though.  Or shifting back.  I know I know how to use my words, I grew up in a house of hate, and I know how to talk the language.

I'm sort of over the loyalty issue for now.  I want to go after the MN.  Last night I had a hard time falling asleep.  There was a memory I had about an MN who came after me years ago.  What happened, and what worked and fixed the situation was the police.  That ended all onslaught of the repugnant creature.  Basically, a neighbour was tormenting me, and the police was called (by the repugnant creature, no kidding).  I had sent her a note to stop and leave me alone, and she called the police over that.  The police came and intervened, I don't know what happened, but after talking to me the police went over there, and after some time left.  They had never said boo to me after that, it was all done.  The police had left me some bullying flyers.

That was an odd thing to have had happen.  So I had a hard time sleeping, and I woke up this morning with the revelation of calling the police.  I can call this verbal assault.  The problem, I know is that the laws in my country are shit.  But I'm thinking, that maybe I can get the police to talk to her. Would they?  That seems to scare the repugnant creatures.  Or would the police intervene for me in this, or maybe they won't.  I stand to lose a lot doing this.  If that police officer is a repugnant creature too, I might set myself up for a major fall.  Afterall, verbal assault is like a joke, anyone can stand up for themself, and I might get the lecture on that.

But think about it.  Is it my fault that this is a morally corrupt, repugnant being?  Is it my problem this is a disgusting pile of goo?  Is it my responsibility to deal with it?  I don't think any MN is my problem, and I think the police should intervene, for the moral sanity of society.  That's what I think. She is not my problem.  No bully is your problem and if someone tells you that they are, well I think they are playing the game with the predator, don't you think?

Even if we were to split up and go our separate way, DH and I, I will be hounded by MN's.  This is the way for me.  I am trying to come up with methods on fighting back.  A police intervention is a powerful way to scare the crap out of these critters.  It worked before, it can work again, as long as I can get the police to help.  The police just might tell me to stay away, but I am caught so deeply in this, that I don't know how I can do that.

DH still insists she is ok.  This was an argument between two women.  Except I don't go around arguing with people.  I have seen him deal with my mother.  I have seen him go after one of his friends who was out to get me.  I know that somehow he thinks she has not done enough wrong, and that my yoo hoo was what got her started.  When I brought up the verbal abuse argument, he pshawed that one.  As it stands, I don't want anything to do with them, I want NC, and I don't want him going over there.  This is where I have made a stand.  God has taught me the proper way to argue over this. You can't rebuke a fool, so I took away all my notes and correspondence on MN's and put them away. I won't bring it up, and I won't talk to him about it anymore.  Everything is going to change in the way I talk to him.

Last night after he told me that she did nothing wrong, I told him what I wanted to do was call the police, then he just shewed it away, I closed down.  He tried to get me to argue it with him, and I just stuck to my points.  You don't rebuke a fool, stick to the facts.  I stuck to my facts.  And stayed with it.  At some point he said the world is not so perfect, I have to give people a break, with was answered by my silence.

Funny thing happened.  I had to change the batteries on the tv remote and I got the darn things in backwards.  When it wouldn't work, DH told me that maybe I put them in wrong.  So I fixed that, and he was all puffed up, about telling me that since I think I'm so perfect and I did this wrong.  Out loud, this was the first time I said something in a while, I said, "Putting batteries in wrong, is the same as a repugnant creature on the prowl.  You are a boss at work, so I guess you might be right.  Shall I discuss that with your boss?  Tell him you have the moral compass of a screwdriver?"

He didn't say anything after that.  He fell asleep,   When he gets off of nightshift for a day, he falls asleep whenever.  God has taught me how to argue, and thank God it is never arguing.  You don't ever rebuke a fool.  Remove the idea out of your head that somehow you have the power to convince him of something.  This is tiring.  Just stand your ground, as long as you know you are right, its ok.  Its giving him feedback.  But don't ever do this if it is an equal argument about something.  Only give him way, when he has the ability to be right.  But stand up for your rights.  I trust that anyone reading this will have the moral standards to understand what I'm saying.  And if you are afraid of getting hit, don't do it, just leave.  Don't risk that.

So if I call the police and I manage to get them to talk to her, this will be worth gold.  Absolute gold. I know from direct experience that this alone has the power to scare off any narcissist.  Worked for me before, it can work again.  But I'm not sure.  The police officer can give the the lecture about having to deal with this on my own.  But malignant narcissists are not my problem.  This is a police matter. And I still don't know what she said during the assault.  I truly don't.  All I remember was the curses and swearing and the freaking.  So I lose ground there.  Somehow I think that swearing, and using the Lord's name in vain to me, is assaulting to me, for I find that even repugnant, for I don't swear, and I don't use the Lord's name in vain, and to have that hurled at me, is an attack.  Can that be enough?  If the police proceed to give me the lecture I will have the vacate the phonecall for it will play on my brain, and I will be up against the fog.  That is, doubting what I experienced.  The trick is to stay out of the deadlights, don't fall for it.  And if that police officer is an MN, I will definitely be in for it. That is why I am writing this, in case I start to fall backward, I will have a written record of what is going on.  Call the police, hope they intervene, that is a gamble, but it is worth it.

It is worth it if the police don't try to get me into the fog.  For that I will have to vacate the phonecall, maybe say the water is boiling over, or something is going on here, but I will have to vacate the phonecall, as quickly as possible.  After saying my piece, don't do any more to try to convince them, you are in danger of the fog.  Using any means necessary, but don't enter the fog.  Don't get stuck in that.  That is why I don't argue with DH, I have completely have to set my mind on this.

Sometimes you are put in the position where you have to stand up and fight.  Even just so to teach this morally repugnant creature, to leave others alone.  In the case of rape, it is important to let the victim talk, and its important for her to report the crime, even for the reason of getting this person off the streets, to keep other people from getting raped by them.  And such is the case here.  She is in her forties, and I'm assuming a huge rap sheet here of crimes that went under the radar.  Perhaps even murder.  She is a nurse.  This is scary.  And I assure you this "argument" would not have happened to me and a normal person.  A normal person might rage, but it would have been more tragic, she would have hurt herself doing that, and I would have seen more of a contrite heart after that.  All I saw after SIL's rage was a good time relaxing and enjoying herself.  I know I sound crazy, but please understand, this is not new territory for me.  I have lost good jobs over this.  I am in malignant narcissist sights.

So I'm still thinking of calling the police.  Sorry if this writing seems self serving, but I'm afraid of getting caught up in the fog, and I will have this to refer to.  And it might help out others.  I know having the police deal with this is the way, it will work.  Heck, I might just go over there this summer and act like everything is normal.  She will be scared of me.  No more will I have to listen to her rampaging on, but perhaps it might still go on, this is all a risk.  The police is a trump card I use, and maybe later when she has upped the ante on the smearing I will use it.  It will always be available for me for she won't stop.  This can't happen with a normal person.

You know, I can't talk to DH about this, he is making it look like I'm the predator, he does not even see what is happening.  He is not saying, get over it, he is saying that it was ok, and we must forgive and forget.  So, so what if someone is telling me off?  I keep my ground with him, and I find this tough.  I have to constantly get away from his lousy moral compass.  It is deplorable, and I can't stand how he thinks this is all ok.

But listen to me, an MN is an MN, be it a family member, or a boss or anything.  They are a soul destroyer and murderer, and no amount of moralizing it makes it right.  When he tries to get into it with me, I just bring up that it is corrupt, and they are seeing it on his job.  He will not see the big bonuses, and he will continue to see it shoved in his face that he is not worth his salt.  The night he told me that he was not respected was a night of prayer for us, and God has answered that prayer.  He does not see an answered prayer in the district of a narcissist.

Whether you are a Christian or not, you must see that hungering and thirsting for righteousness is the way of life.  Its what gives you balls.  God is not going to turn you into something, to make you a slave, you have the ability to choose for yourself, what you see, and whether you do right or wrong. And to not be able to see right from wrong, therein lies the truth about yourself.

The Smear Campaign: And a Denial Tactic

Hubby started a smear campaign against me.  Here is what happened.  First of all, I told hubby that I wanted to call the police on her.  Why? he asked.  I said for the verbal abuse, which I felt was out of line with the law.  He said no, and he actually convinced me not to.  Lots of reasons, won't go well in the family, I will be ostracized, things will tank.  I also asked what he would do if I did.  He didn't answer.  Right now, I realized this would not be in my best interest to do it.

One evening after coming home from my end of season sewing guild dinner, he told me that he called his brother.  You know, the poopy one, the one who was pooping his drawers the night of the verbal abuse?  That one.  So, basically it was one snivelling weasel got together with another snivelling weasel and decided that nothing happened on the night in question.  "She was only telling us where there were towels, and you had to pipe in with your comment, about being ignored"  That was it. That was it?  Somehow, at that same moment, I got a memory back of when she did slam me she made it very demeaning and made me look like a fool.  I remember the attitude she cast.  Then hubby told me that his brother called me crazy when I wanted to call the cops on her.  I asked him, with as much as my vulnerability would allow me at the time, "You allowed your brother to call me crazy?"  This guy wonders why he is sleeping alone?  All went dead silent.  Could he have known what he had done and allowed his brother to call me crazy?  Did he realize that it was morally debased of him?  He had stabbed me in the back.

I can't get another word out of him about it.  Just the other night he told me that he was working with his brother.  They work together.  I told him with as much vulnerability again, I believe in vulnerability in relationships, I don't want it otherwise, "I don't want to hear that man's name again, I can still feel the knife in my back."  He came and sat down, didn't' say a word, just looked at me with a gaze that I rarely see in him, almost back to himself, but I won't get my hopes up yet.

Do I have to live with a backstabber?  You know, I have a sneaking suspicion that the "call the police" will get back to SIL freak, in fact I highly suspect it.  I don't want this.  She has already got her monkeys to label her blameless, and made me out to be the predator.  She has began her silent treatment over the lack of email about the garage to hubby.  This is all a covert tactic, don't think she is just backing down, no way.  This predator freak is still going to try to destroy me.

What will she do with the news of me calling the cops?  Not sure.  I am trying to remember when a narcissist got caught and what they did to us.  Most of the time, they vacated.  Right?  Is that what happens?   Mother would do it, friends would do it.  Narcissists don't like to be confronted on their crap.  With me basically shoving her nose in it, I don't know what she is going to do.  Despite what is going on with hubby I so want to fight.

So the very next day after his phonecall to his brother and the smear campaign and denial tactic, his brother showed up here.  Hubby was already outside, doing some things, and now I wonder was this all arranged?  Were they going to confront me?  So I sat in the house with the most powerful weapon I have ever encountered.  The bible.  I don't remember what I was reading, but somewhere in James. Reading and praying, I stayed that way until the brother left and hubby came inside.

I sat curious and quiet for the longest time.  Then I asked him, "I was worried about how the smear campaign in going against me, I know your brother was here."

He just stood there and said, "We talked nothing of you, this problem is between us, and between us its going to stay."

I forgot to mention that while his brother was here I was dying to go outside and ask his brother if he called me crazy.  Ohhh, I was dying to, this is not something I am afraid of.  In my FOO confrontation was well taught.  But I don't want to have to defend myself.  Why should I?  What is the point of that?  This is his family, it is up to him to stand up for me, and take care of me, and I don't want it any other way.  If I have to teach everyone, I would rather divorce him. Really I would, I am tired of being the one who wears the pants in the family, ain't going to happen again, nosireeee.

Let's understand something here.  We are both being targeted here.  If I am being targeted, he is being targeted.  He has got to realize that or I'm gone.  I was thinking of all this while his poopy pants brother was here.  Nope, not going to defend myself, I have a husband to do that for me.  Right? Biblically, I am doing my part.  And I don't even care of they come at me guns ablazing, don't care. Unless it all gets me into serious, and I do mean serious hot water, I don't care.  They are just monkeys, almost an illusion really.  To me.  Right now.

So he said they never talked of me, but I am sure his brother came here to dig up some more dirt. And hubby claims nothing was said about me, so therefore his brother came here for nothing.  I believe what happened was that, yeah, his brother wanted more dirt, and hubby wasn't giving it.  See how monkeys work?  I will see if hubby chooses to be faithful and loyal and loving to me.  I don't need to demand it.  Either I have it or I don't, plain and simple.

I also told hubby, that I wanted to enter his email and email everyone concerned and that I am being smeared against but I am the one who is right, starting with those emails he got last summer.  I am happy to get the validation over what happened last summer, I'm starting to.  Its happening, I think.

I told him I wanted to, but I really don't care what they think of me.  None of them.  They can think I'm the poop on the doorstep, don't care that much.  Your family can go ahead and hate me for attacking your poor SIL, they can, don't care, I only care about what you think and feel towards me. That's all that matters, thats all I care about.  He looked at me.  At this point he is back to work now, so slo mo regarding anymore progress, so I will have to wait and see.

Saturday, May 14, 2016

Listen to What They Say

Maybe everyone knows this, but I learned something quite valuable that I would like to share.  This might help you, save your life, but I implore every ACON  to see this writing.  Listen to me, its the best stuff.  Probably the best I ever wrote.  I'm going to try to keep it short, just to get it read.

I started seeing mother in a whole new way.  I can also say she was a full blown narc, with just one thing going on with her.  She was evil and really, there was not much of anything else.  She was always spilling her projections.  I don't think a narc wants to do this, but they can't help it, maybe its God's way of helping us.  

I have a revelation.  These critters are not like the rest of us in that they are always having to cover themselves.  Every once in a while a little truth will come out of their mouth.  I often heard mother say that people are scared of me.  Why?  Because I speak my mind.  She told me that people are afraid of me.

Not to get too much into the issue of what happened when we went to help brother and SIL, I mean in regards to DH and the trouble we have right now.  He is still working for a day, and I'll be in the city on Monday, so I don't know what is going to happen with us.  But I have to write before I lose this valuable piece of information on narcs.  Things I remember, what mother said, stuff regarding SIL.

This will give me the chance to examine mother more and other narcs I will come in contact with. To start with, what I noticed was that as SIL was throwing the fit she was heading out the door, and in that respect was getting the last word in without giving me a chance to say anything about that. She is a coward.  All I can remember seeing then was the brothers scampering like cockroaches, and I have this distinct memory in my mind of the other brother (not DH) looking at me but not looking at me. I've seen this before, I have a memory of seeing that before.  Another time, another place.

I also remember she was not bossing me around about my shower.  At the time I felt left out, now I think back on it, perhaps she knew what I knew and she was trying to stay out of my way.  And I also think my YOO HOO was so nothing, and for her to throw a fit, she must have been ready to blow and her losing it, was not losing it, she had already lost it and was trying to contain it and it just spilled over.

But I also remember something else of that evening.  Just before the attack on me, she was showing me in the kitchen where the coffee was and stuff, and then said, 'You'll have to look for what you need, if you expect to find it."  Like sugar and stuff.  Doesn't that seem a little rude?  I mean, how do you expect to find things if you don't look, this statement is implying that I'm stupid.  When she said that, I was bolted to reality and felt it in my body that she was trying to insult me.

I've often "felt" around narcs.  There are so many people that are pleasing to be around, and there are some people you just want to get away from.  But its always a feeling you have, and you can't describe it, you just don't like them or you do.  But I can't help but remember mother's projection about "they are afraid of you."  When I was young, I would often run to mother when someone was insulting me, or hurting me.  That was always mother's response.  She would not cuddle me and tell me everything was ok, she would tell me that.

I know the, "You'll have to look for what you need, if you expect to find it," seems like a stretch, but I felt in my body, the tingles the second she said it.  Like I felt all my life around narcs.  I don't feel that way around nice, normal people, not ever, no matter what they say.

SIL, also was so busy herding people around that weekend, and I felt horrible about it, don't know how the guys felt about it, but it looked downright degrading.  But she was not doing it to me.  Why? Have you wondered that from my last posting?  It just dawned on me tonight, that she was not daring to try it with me.  She was trying to avoid her blow out.  And when I made the tiny remark yoo hoo, this was just exploding something that was already ready to blow, she was just trying to hold it in.

Wow.  I remember mother's rages would come from nowhere.  We wouldn't know what to say, anything can set them off.  It doesn't matter.  But you'd be blamed for it.  You've questioned a God. You tried to usurp their position.  Here she had total control of everything.  She was working during the day, and probably couldn't wait to get home to boss everyone.  You'd think she would want to relax, no, these creatures are all about control.  I saw grown men like little boys, I'm surprised they weren't running around in their undies ready for momma to give them a bath.  I have memories of my children in their bed clothes ready for bath and bed, and it sure was the same thing I saw all weekend. INCLUDING MY OWN DH.  Ugh.

But she would not come near me, she would rather insult me like she did in the kitchen about the "If you expect to find something, you'll have to look for it."  This was an attempt to make me feel stupid. I remember how mother worked.  Whatever she said, it was calculated that you will walk away feeling badly about yourself.  You are supposed to feel horrible, and downgraded, and stupid.

Since I had been in prayer the whole time, I could feel it in my heart that God was telling me to stay alert and listen.  Don't go into autopilot, but pay attention.   Listen.  What she said was calculated for me to walk away feeling stupid.  For the statement was quite innoculous, and could go unnoticed.  It was said a little snarly, and I was able to pick up on that in full alert mode.  If I'd been not alert, and it just went through me, I would have felt stupid without knowing why.

But, the question remains, if she was so afraid of me, why would she attempt to do this?  Well, I think its because there were no risks.  That statement wouldn't hold her accountable in a court of law.  It goes under the radar.  It was risk free, so why not?

Remember me telling you that I felt bad about myself the whole time I was there?  I generally always feel that way, but there especially I did.  I can't help but want to explore that some more.  If I get any answers I'll tell you.

Thursday, May 12, 2016

Feelings and Thoughts

I never realized there are people out there who don't feel empty all the time.  But there is, for some this is just a once in a while feeling.  I am trying to live just a simple life here.  My oldest daughter and I are not getting along, my husband's daughter thinks I'm spending all his money, the SIL showing her boobs to husband.  All I want is trouble with getting a quick bread to rise.

And that is not even the big problems I'm having.  Its this dead feeling inside.  I feel dirty for not having that fine extended family.  And I know love has to come from inside me, I have got to be a whole person, regardless of any of my circumstances.  You can't even face a loved one's disloyalty without first having the backbone, to, go into that feeling of frustration, fear, panic, loneliness, then when you are ok with all that, you can go into that feeling of hurt.  Without doing all that, you will have these feelings linger, and linger, till you are taking so many pills to cope with just waking up in the morning.  This is just the realities of life, and no one gets away without it.

I wonder what life would have been like if Adam and Eve would have just behaved and listened to God in the first place.  We are not even supposed to have the pain of childbearing before the fall of man, pain was not something in the original design.  Now, there are all these coping procedures, even positive thinking.  You know, that is just thinking don't you?  Thinking can't counteract the actual physical issues you have with deep emotional pain.  And emotional pain is physical, it hurts, those feelings in my stomach are real, and I don't like it.

How did I end up with the mother I got?  Why did she do what she did?  For no reason.  I've asked God that question so much, that its hurts.  So why did Adam and Eve disobey?  Life was not meant to be lived in after the fall, it is all coping now, I think I have found some good ways to cope, but it all comes down to struggling even at the best of times.

And even DH, he doesn't even understand why his behaviour doesn't hurt me.  He is on his long work run now, and I'm sure he is not even thinking about this.  He can go all empty and free, I can't.  I made this chocolate quick bread to pack in his lunch, he is eating the food I'm giving him, so he must trust that I'm not that bad to poison him.  That's what this pain is, I feel all dirty, that I am capable of anything.  Having good standards and integrity, I do have these, but at the same time I feel like I'm not good, and that no one wants me, not even him.  A free boob show from his SIL is worth more than I am to him.  I really feel that way.  He went to bed after her freakfest, and went and finished the garage for his brother.  Am I not worth anything to him?  Her feelings are worth more?

I know I probably shouldn't be taking care of him, and feeding him, but I'm a little meticulous that way and I would feel way worse if I didn't.  I like to make sure things are done, and that is one of my biggest problems.  I should be sitting here with uncombed hair, crying all the time, but I can't, it is not me.  I used to try that and I found that it made me go even more depressed.  But maybe that is what I should be doing.

I have to wait till the end of the weekend so I can talk to him about this.  It looks like I'm doing well, but we are sleeping in separate beds now, because of this, and I know this is sending alarm bells going off in his head.  But not too much, I know he has got to concentrate on work and that is just the way it is.  He job requires focus on that, its ok.  I certainly can understand that.  But he has been having problems at work too, and now I think I know why.

He did not get the big bonus at work like he should have, like the other bosses did.  His was the smallest.  He doesn't get the respect he feels he deserves, since he does so much at work, it should be noticed that he is very dependable.  I did pray about this, and maybe I got the answer.  It is his lack of principles.  I don't know, but somewhere down the line, something is broken with him,  He can't show loyalty to his wife, that has got to trickle down into the rest of his life, this is a fact of life, and he can't ignore it anymore.

Even though I was the one in need from the beginning, he is the one with serious issues.  Now I know that loving the malignant narcissist seems to be the way of life, and people seem to go far with it, but sometimes, does it really?  Or does he not love the malignant narcissist, he is just pretending so he can keep some kind of fake peace,and he is just going against what he thinks and feels.  And this is affecting so much so that it is causing him problems in his life.

I told him this tonight.  That he can't just do his job and be dependable, there is this thing of value, called standards, and if you don't have them then, lots of failure to you.  I don't know I'm just thinking about this.  Not to say that everyone who has failed in life is because of lacking standards, my gosh, we ACON's know better than this.  But in another way, can it be though?  Because he is not living according to his standards, he is seen as being just a butt kisser.  And they don't care, he'll just do what he's told and that is only being fake.  Maybe they don't trust him because of it.

So my relationship site people, well, we go on on how we can influence men.  Make him a better man, respond to his crudeness, respond when he treats us badly.  This is giving high value right there. This will help him be a better man.  I take a great deal of comfort from those words, for I felt this whole thing was very overwhelming for me, and I needed to see something good that I can do.

He might be seen as wishy washy by his superiors, for he does not live by his standards.  He blocks them out.  I guess they never served him in the past, so he chose to let it go, but right now it is not serving him to not live by his standards.  I don't know, these are just my thoughts.  And the only way I can help is by letting him know on no uncertain terms that I am not putting up with his BS.

But I am having to suffer for it.  He has led a very successful life other than this, he has done quite well.  It seems strange that little ole me, is teaching him how to live, that is one big irony right there. Suffer, suffer, is that all an ACON is good for?

I think I have to have faith.  That maybe God is helping us, and sometimes it doesn't seem like He is. I know the Christian church nowadays, everything is supposed to be all pie in the sky, everything is perfect and wonderful, and you pray for your miracle which is sure to happen.  Nowadays, I'm being careful of what I pray for, lol, not sure if I want it bad enough. lol

But the more I think of it, if he doesn't raise his standards, his life is due to fall.  But I know he has standards, for I think if he didn't he would be doing well.  He is just blocking them and this is making him look weak.  Otherwise he would look strong.  I don't think regular people can tell if someone has standards or not, but they can tell if someone is strong or not, and he appears weak.  I hope I'm making sense.

But I noticed the neighbours have been letting their friends drive on the lawn here.  And DH doesn't say anything.  I want to but I can't seem to catch them when they are still.  But before that, I did say something to the neighbour once about too many dogs running loose, I'm a little afraid of big dogs, unless I see the owner right there.  The neighbour just shot this look at me, and I asked him why is he looking at me like that.  I don't care, these days I say what I want.  I mean, we are the scapegoated children of evil parents, we were the family whistleblowers, I think its highly authentic.

You know, the neighbour still looks at me funny.  Not sure why that is, I don't know anything about them, so any PD will have to remain to be seen.  But DH talks to them all the time, gives them much lurve, tells them they are perfect neighbours, and DH tells me something else.  Then I confront him on this, and he turns away.

He says, "Oh, you just like to bitch at people."  And I say, "Yeah, and?"

You know it wasn't always like this.  He was very good and supportive and loving.  Until that particular day last summer when I supposedly "been gunning for his SIL".

But I am the scapegoat, the family whistleblower, and that authenticity really has no tolerance for BS. DH thinks I act all high and mighty.  Ok, I know I am a sinner, and I need God's grace just as much as anyone, but that doesn't mean that I need to let myself to allow the standards of my life be gone, or let other people screw with me.

But this is just terrible times I'm going through.  I feel pain, I feel lost.  I had no mommy who would tell me that everything will be alright no matter what.

So lets just get back to that dirty feeling.  How is DH even supposed to trust me with anything I may do or say.  He has led the rather successful life, and me, no, not until him, and I would not even be able to afford the computer or internet on my own.  This is all due to him, and here I am trashing him, Omg, I feel so dirty.  And I feel like such a big loser.  And here I am teaching him how he can do better.

Am I enough?  This one is a constant struggle.  But that is the first thing you got to do, is build up those emotional resources, you are enough.  Even if that means going into all those bad feelings I want to avoid, it needs to be done.

In relationship things will always be a challenge.  Marriage is one thing, even married, I don't feel like I got the level of commitment required to sustain us, this is a horrible fact.  This is a heart thing, a value thing, as loyalty is a value thing, its a heart thing.  To see his SIL do that to me, then just ignore it.  I'm sure at some level it did bother him, for he left the room, maybe scared but at the same time so that he could escape his own feelings of stupidity.  Sleep is a good escape.  So maybe he has blocked his standards and lives a very mediocre life now.

Then there is the thing about him being on autopilot.  Our lives can just go by and we just sit there. So many people do it, and I do it, and I have to snap out of it sometimes, but it does want to take over.  Its easier.  I mean, on autopilot I can eat a whole bag of chips without thinking its terrible.  I've seen the bottom of the bag and wonder how did that happen.  I'm sure this is one thing we've all done, time and again, unfortunately, and I think if we do it too much it means we are brainwashed.  We are stuck in some other realm for to have to think, means that you can't be brainwashed, plain and simple. I'm so glad I got to write tonight, so many thoughts, its better than to just sit here alone and mope. But maybe that is what I should be doing.

One dreadful thought I have is that maybe I'm the one taking him down with me, I always felt destined to fail.  Like I always have, and in some way I am destroying him.  Just a thought, not fishing, but a lot of thoughts to just sit with me, I'm glad to be writing.

Monday, May 9, 2016

It Was An Act

Two videos of the same song.  I couldn't listen to it on here, the thing won't let me, to make sure its right, I put them both up. If you want to listen to one of them, its very good.

I totally get that no contact is a very good rule.  I've done it with my own FOO, telling them to get lost even.  But the difficulties of life can present another problem and I've been researching like crazy to try to solve the problem.  What if you have to be in contact with narcs?  But I keep reading that there is no such thing as "have to".  But I'll tell you my story here and I'm hoping that by writing it, I will get some idea of how to handle it.

I hope you were with me last summer when I posted over and over again about the nasty SIL of DH's. One is up in my popular posts section called, "Its so screwed up."   You can start there and just work backward.  There was discord over me being left out over a situation regarding a trip to visit the brother and his wife, or freak, or whatever you want to call it.  Well, another email, inviting DH from nasty to come and help build a garage with the brother.  Yes, she is the one who showed him her boobs.

We've been down to one vehicle lately and one is in the shop.  Our shop btw, for DH is his own mechanic.  It saves us money, but takes a very long time.  But it was ok.  It was all working out, no big deal.  Until now.  And when he got the email, I became completely authentic with my feelings of being left alone here with no vehicle.  Since I was in my feelings, my pitch went rather screechy and he said, "Well, you can come along with me then."  I had no other choice but to go.  This was terrible and I knew what I was in store for and I was not disappointed in that regard.

The pain shot through me.  Just before we went, I was commenting on other blogs, and I'm afraid I was very melancholy.  But it was ok, and I didn't want to tell anyone what was going on, for I feared I've beated that horse too many times last summer.  Basically, last summer she sent DH an email inviting him to go, with them, on a camping trip.  The email could have been implied that I was to go too.  I posted the email too many times last summer in my blog.  It hurt my feelings, and I was freaked out by it.

But I've learned a lot since last summer.  I got into my prayer closet.  So I went with him.  I went taking all my quilting with me.  I had 2 days of straight sewing with me.  Fortunately, SIL, had to work all weekend.  But in this email it was realized that I was not going on the trip for it was to build a garage it was not a holiday.  But I had to go with him.

So we went.  The trip is 4 hours away straight up north.  It was back to winter clothes for the weekend, which I didn't bring.  I did not know it would be that cold in May.  But it was terribly cold and I had only one set of clothes to wear that were warm enough.  But it was ok, I mean that wasn't the problem.

Its hard to talk about.  The words are pummelling in my head and I'm having a hard time getting it out.  So I learned a lot from last summer.  And in my prayer state I felt that it was no big deal, just sit there and quilt all day.  This I didn't mind to do at all.  But the SIL was there only a few hours in the evening when the guys came in, I did not think for a second that she would get a dig at me, but she surely did.

And it made me feel like I was the bad guy here.  That I'm just a sulking kid who did not get my way. That is what is making this thing so terribly hard.  I was completely in my relaxed authentic full self, and I had not felt emotionally needy.  I was doing great, God was leading me, I was sure I could do this, no problem.  And I did do what I had to do, I stood my ground, I was firm about boundaries and what not?  Want to know what happened that is making me feel so completely stupid?

She started telling DH that he could go for a shower.  He said, "later".  But she kept after him and said she needed him to do it now, for she was wanting to start the laundry.  He said, "ok" and he went for his shower.  I sat there dumbfounded.  I know he was doing some work and probably needed the shower but I was completely ignored.  And I was a guest in their home too.  So I didn't know if I was to say anything, but I felt like shit.  Then she went after the other brother for his shower too, and proceeded to do the laundry.  But these guys worked all day, and I felt like I didn't need a shower and I didn't take one.  It was ok, maybe I was just imagining being ignored.  Afterall, I didn't go on their camping trip last summer, even after it was "implied" that I was invited.

Then the next night she did the same thing.  She ushered all the guys for their shower, naming each by names.  Both brothers were there along with the brother that lived there.  At that point, I said, "Yoo, hoo, I'm here too, don't forget me,"  This came flying out of my mouth and I can't understand it. She got angry.  She said, "Oh, no one is leaving you out, Joan.  You want a goddam shower, go take a goddame shower."  I said it felt like I was being left out.  Then what came out of her mouth next would probably burn the computer up, it was so terrible.  Hurled a bunch of insults and screaming.  I just sat there.  Actually, I wasn't really listening to what she said, it was a freak fit.  She seemed to get offended by the yoo hoo part.  Or something.  No I'm just kidding.

All of a sudden I can remember what mother used to say when someone was throwing a fit.  narc or not mother used to say that was just an act they were putting on, or they are just doing that.  This is a projection.  When mother used to throw fits, this is what was happening it was all a big act.

I knew the SIL was putting on a show for everyone who would listen, as I was not listening to her, really I wasn't, I was just aware there was a freak fest going on.  I saw the brothers scramble to leave the room, DH announced that he was going to bed, and I saw another brother, head to the kitchen for a drink to escape the freakshow that lasted for way too long.  And she didn't face me while doing it, she started to head outside during it, then went outside and shut the door and I could here here screaming and making accusations outside.

Wow, thanks mother, I think, for that fine bit of knowledge.  Mother used to freak out all the time, and this is not my first dance with a narc, and actually this SIL is pretty tame in comparison.  I just shrugged my shoulders and went on with my evening of quilting.  I felt better actually.  After awhile her husband approached me and talked to me for awhile about what I was making.  He looked tense, and I was just wanting to get to a good place in my quilting to stop for the night.  He talked about the quilting and that was it.  Then went and sat back down.  The other brother was sitting on the couch too, with a freaked out look on his face.  Eyes wide, ready to run.  And I was completely ok about the whole matter, but it worried me that the men felt alarmed, but I was fine.  DH was sleeping, I think.

Not too long after that, I went to iron a few pieces.  These pieces were getting too hard to iron, the pressing was difficult and I found myself procrastinating on them all day, and there were 48.  But after the freakshow, as I started to iron, I realized that it was very easy to do.  During the day, I had to stop for my shoulders would be aching.  But this time I powered through the rest of them.  And there was more than half left.  Was that seratonin?  Was I stressed over the weekend of being ignored like this that the tension got to me?  And now this thing relieved the stress?

I started to ask myself if I was enjoying this.  If I want to be the good guy here and didn't want to recompense evil for evil, why was I in a happy state of mind?  The "yoo hoo," was probably very inappropriate of me, for I knew I could have handled the situation much better.  It is a matter of opinion if I was inappropriate.  I even prayed about this when I went to bed and I asked for God to help me understand.  Suddenly I felt it in my heart that whether it was right or wrong, I did the best I could.  I didn't get it right.  But it wasn't confrontational, it was kinda in the middle.  This is so hard. I was faced with difficult circumstances and I did the best that I could.  I did the my best to not be passive aggressive, and it was all I could muster.

But at the end of it all, let's just switch a normal person with SIL.  Would a normal person have acted that way?  Even about the shower thing, since I was a guest in their home.  How would a normal person be in the same situation?  Would she have included me too?  Since she was naming off names, and that I felt was a bit of a covert tactic, one that was designed to set me off but escape the others notice.  And I always felt she was a narc, even way back in the beginning, when we first went to go visit them.  Did this time, the mask came off?  Was I going to look like the good guy now?  In my prayers that night it came into my heart that I am not to count on that.

Ok.  So the next night after her job was done, it was our last night stay there.  I was in the house doing my sewing, and she stayed outside after work, and I was wondering why she was not coming in.  I was alone in her house, and I felt uncomfortable.  I saw though the window that she was standing outside waiting for the guys to come in.  Wow, ever weird, here she had the perfect opportunity to go at me alone and she did not even take it.  Something was going on.  I went outside, in the clothes I wore for 3 days and never even a shower even.  I walked up to her and said "hi", and she said hi, then she went inside.  I was going to follow her inside, and I did not know, but I felt I was stalking her, so I stayed outside till the guys went in. It was weird.  We all had dinner leftovers, and I proceeded to walk to the couch beside her with the laptop.  I sat down and went into Anna V's site and immediately I went and read the part of "disproportionate responses of narcs".  I just happened upon it.  So I started to read.  This is all an act.  It was confirmed for me right there in Anna's articles, for I remember the SIL being fine and talking to everyone, but me, right after the hurling insults.  It was like she had taken a good shit, and now she felt better.

I'm from the family that like to "tell you off".  It feels good and relieves that pressure.  That's what I was told by my FOO anyway.  But, and here is the crazy part, is that you don't have any right to tell anyone off.  But they do, and somehow they have formed it in their mind that it is ok.

You know, I've been in constant prayer this whole time, and my body is screaming at me that my "yoo hoo"  shouldn't have created such a stir.  For a normal person, it would have only shaken them out of their thoughtlessness, and they would have realized and felt terrible about leaving me out.

Another thing was confusing me, is that she offered me dinner and coffee a few times when necessary, and didn't leave me out of that.  But, listen, narcs do that.  The evil cannot exist on its own, it must have to exist with the good.  That is the only way it can survive.  I know this is the only way we will survive being slaughtered.  We must get it out of our heads that all they do is be mean.  

So all the guys are ok with what she did.  Even DH, and he even told me that "no, she did not need to hold your hand to have a shower."  That was apparently one of the insults she hurled at me, that I was not listening to.  Such an insulting thing to say to me.  Can you imagine?  But DH has come a very long way from when I first knew him, but he does not believe in judging people and he gives everyone the benefit of the doubt.  But he did manage to take hold of a neighbour that was being greedy with him, after I had told him about it.  After I spent 2 years going on about the man.  It came as no surprise in the end that the man using him to do the snowplowing was not paying him at all. That one was a rather serious problem in my life, and I wrote about it one time in an article I wrote called, An Evil Narcissist.  Well, that guy is gone from our lives.  Do I expect him to get rid of his brother the same way to get rid of the SIL?  No, I don't.  To tell the truth, authentically I just want the problem to go away.  I want him to acknowledge the fact that I wasn't complaining for she was not wanting to "hold my hand for a shower."  You know, she might not be that covert, but all this goes way over people's heads.  Or that my feelings got hurt, its no big deal Joan, get over it.  I mean its disgusting.  And I feel like I'm the bad guy too, how everything panned out.  I am not making this up, I am not the type of person that goes around stirring up trouble, I have very good associations with people.

So I prayed to God about the camping trip in a few months, and I wonder what shit she will stir up. But God only told me, "strength he will give me in season."  And this is hard to accept when something bad is about to happen.  I'm sure of it.

Overall, I think I handled everything very well.  My "yoo hoo" might not have gone over very well with the guys, and DH is rationalizing everything to a T.  It makes sense that she got "pissed off", but I'm sure that is not the way he would have been if he was her.  But he has completely put that out of his mind.  So this makes everything very hard, but I strengthened my boundaries in the whole mess, I did stick up for myself but everyone seems to want to take away my right to do that.  It looks like she is the one with all the rights, and I was not letting her have me for supply.

My connection to narcs in my world has been very good as of late.  But she is one that was there in the beginning, just at the beginning of my awakening, so she got a little snack and she is trying for more.  But she is not going to get anymore, I am making darn sure of it.  I was not affected at all the by freak fit.  I was just wondering why it startled everyone else.  But then I realized that they don't know, and they think she is pissed off for real.

But I felt really good till I learned that DH was making her behaviour ok with him.  Then I started to feel all dead again.  I looked like the bad guy.  On top of that, I feel like I've lost my emotional resources and now am now fighting to get them back.  I feel that my personality sucks and that was evident in the way the other guys treated me.  I'm rather dramatic at times, but not all the time, this is just one of my parts, and this is starting to bother me.  But as I have learning that parts of you that you are unwilling to express or be, these are the parts that must be expressed, for you can't be whole otherwise.  I am ashamed of my personality at times, but I mustn't be, for this takes away my value as a person, and I mustn't ever try to suppress or hide any my parts.  But its hard, you know, given such an environment I was in.  So what happened is that she was unable to tear me down, so she got her minions to do it for her.  This sucks.  So this is something I have to build up again.  It is definitely a challenge, this being enough.  But it is true, whether I feel like it or not, I am enough.

And DH and I haven't even fought in many months.  I talk to him openly, I don't hold anything in, and he has gotten used to my expressive self.  But not anymore.  We fought about it now.  I was worried that we never fought for a long time, so now we are, so its ok really, got to be my authentic self.  I'm not going to try to hide my feelings about this, it will just make it worse.  I just want him to acknowledge my feelings here, and he isn't.  I know I wasn't perfect, I don't need to apologize for what I did, so, I guess some people just want to go with the flow.