This is going back two posts ago about my hurt feelings. We were sitting at home and my husband received this email from his SIL (highlighted in blue). The second one was from him.
I have given her days to retract that email. And she hasn't yet, so you know what? I call judgement over the SIL. I call her a malignant narcissist. Not one of us, meaning not part of humanity, she will be exiled totally from my life. I still hate to judge people, but you know what? I have to. Too many red flags here (I'll talk about in a minute). Here is the email again:
So ### and I will be off Friday Aug 21 till we'd Sept 2...you coming to camp??
planning on going ,will be leaving on the 27th , leave me a list of what you want me to bring , have to work on sept 2
I'm not sure I got most of it covered...maybe stuff for sandwiches if you want to eat some fishing any snacks you want..we always bring to much anyway...see ya soon
Obviously, the tendency to leave me out, while mentioning her own husband, would have made a decent person go back and apologize. That hasn't happened yet. Nor has my husband done anything about it. But now I'm trying to put the whole thing together, and I have a few more pieces.
I don't need to think of this one too much. Just that I can't seem to trust my good judgement. I try to tell myself over and over that that email is just a misunderstanding on her part. But it doesn't matter, see I have direct exposure and experience with narcs, just I wasn't ready to believe that.
That email was bullying. Bullying me. When I think back over my last meeting with her, it dawns on me that I knew it all back then.
She said, "Someday we'll make a real bushwoman out of you."
It's ok to kid and tease right? No? Of course not. This statement was followed with a distinctive bounce to her step as she walked away. I didn't know it then, of course. I saw it, but I wasn't awake and aware as I am now. And more and more I am getting wide awake.
Getting back to the part where my husband told me he saw her boobs. Just a simple statement he made to me. I asked my husband how and why he saw her boobs. He wouldn't tell me. It seems to me plausible that if he saw them by accident he would have told me something innocent like that. Why did I analyse it that way? Did I have to know it was innocent? Why did that matter? By accident? Is that possible? Well, for my MN mother it certainly was. There were several times she would hide behind a doorway starknaked while my brother had friends over. She must not have been able to hide very well because if someone would have looked over they would have seen her in all that nakedness. Or a towel thing that slips off? Ew, ok getting kind of scary here, but I'm trying to explain these "accidents". I wanted to believe they were accidents but I really knew they weren't.
So was this all in my mind? My memory was telling me that mother was bugeyed at the same time too. She would only be in her room getting changed but somehow she couldn't seem to stop peering through doorways naked and didn't hide herself very well. I just thought this was an accident. I mean, with my knowledge of narcs I know accident or no accident, it doesn't matter. This is narc behaviour pure and simple.
No decent woman would ever let that happen. Even by accident. She covers herself decently unless she needs attention. And certainly we know a narc needs attention. But the decent woman, no towel ever slips. I've never seen such behaviour, as a matter of fact I spend time with ladies some times and nothing ever slips, no oops, no nothing. I'm not saying it can't happen, but a BIL to see his SIL naked could have been prevented.
Getting back to his SIL if my husband saw her naked, how? And why wouldn't he tell me? That is the question. He seems to want to avoid this conversation with me. And why does this woman get such rave reviews like this? He never talks that highly of anyone. I've never heard him talk that swell of anyone.
I just mentioned two big red flags of narcissism in her and still it is hard for me to see that email as another stark red flag. Keep in mind I've only met this woman 4 times and they live 4 hours away.
I'm going to read the email again. How does it make me feel? Despite thinking that the email is innocent it hits me hard in my emotions. I don't even rate with any of them. The pain I feel over what they did to me, trying to make me invisible. Lately, I've been feeling like I'm losing myself again. Is this what soul murder is? Every single nail in my coffin is being plunged in by someone. Another long night of prayer and I was sinking in the quicksand and God was there. Husband was on nightshift.
God never left me alone. I get so scared and the emotions were flying right through me. I have trained myself not to block any emotions, but what do I do about the seething pain? I just make it ok. Over and over I had to tell myself that it was ligit for me to feel this way. To give myself permission to feel like this. To understand the fact that some people are just plain rotten.
I still feel very scared of actually disappearing, and I'm wondering where these thoughts of disappearing are coming from Those red flags waving in my face I was trained to ignore, but I can't ignore them any longer.
Things are going to change with me now, I can feel it. No longer will I be so innocent anymore.
Oh yeah, I'll be dealing with my husband in the next post.
Does anyone have any "accidental nakedness" stories to share? I would love to discuss examples of the red flags.
I'll be honest, if my husband was going on that long of a trip without me, I'd be yelling the place down. It bothers me greatly he is putting this person's happiness above yours, and your husband works doesn't he? So at least one week of his vacation time is spent with these people instead of you. She sounds like she is up to no good. Unless he walked on her in a bathroom by accident as she was getting ready to shower, it sounds like she could be a slut and has flashed her boobs or something. The weird non-explanations would make me suspicious. One thing I have learned the hard way is always listen to the warning feelings. I had feelings MONTHS ago the local project friend was betraying me and trashing me behind my back. As a husband his first duty is to you and to spend time with you. She is too cozy for a SIL in my opinion.
ReplyDeleteYou know how my family disinvited me from places for years too. To be honest once that starts, I walk away from someone now. It bothers me deeply your husband does not want you to go. Do you have health or other problems where the accomodations or lack there of may be overwhelming to you? If not, then I would be very disturbed. You need to ask him point blank, why don't you want me to go? Why are you going on vacation with these people without me? Your best bet if he still goes is to go on your own vacation. Make it with friends not relatives too if possible and spend money if you have it.
ReplyDelete"accidental nakedness" is BS. Most people above age 10 know how to lock a bathroom door or keep it shut. I saw a roommate naked once but did not stand and stare and that was an accident. The fact she is making such a big deal of it to even MENTION IT, means she is a slut on the prowl.
ReplyDeleteI know why he is not asking me on the trip, he told me, I'm getting to that in the next post. I do like your questions though. I'm afraid he is being a flying monkey, and I, well I can't talk to him about this stuff. We can't connect on my history of being bullied. I'm praying to God to help with this, it all feels so overwhelming. Yes, I'm angry too.
ReplyDeleteI don't have a health problem keeping me from this trip. But I know I can't go on that trip seeing those red flags, that will be diving into shark infested waters. At all costs, I have to stay away from this trip. I know that she is educated, she is a nurse, and can write proper email, I assure you. But his blatent leaving me out in the second email from him makes him nothing but a flying monkey.
I'm praying. But there is a reason that he doesn't want me to go, at least he says. So I'm just breaking this down. I know its a couple of posts but its easy for me and anyone reading this to understand. But don't worry, men can see boobs for the price of a bottle of beer, or less than that even, nowadays. I'm not too worried about that. A slut on the prowl will never have anything on the high value woman, and that is what I aspire to.
I know it hurt you to be disinvited from places for years. And that is terrible. And no one with a heart acts like that. We have to keep our esteem up during these types of trials, no matter what anyone else does.
But, sorry, to keep it simple, so that I don't get confused, it might turn all into a blur, and I have to get this out. Just easier for me this way. And easier for me to write slowly, recapturing exact moments and stuff. In so many ways I'm just like a 12 year old.
I appreciate your comments Peeps, brought me so much validation. The fear and panic, I had to go through first.
I know I'm making my husband sound like an ass, but somehow, I still trust him, he has never shown me anything but loving kindness throughout our 4 years together. In many ways, he has been my saviour even, that place I go to when I get scared. So I am confused, that's why I am going to take this all apart, and not lose my cool. Or else I look like the ass, not the narc. Words from q
Thanks Peep for your sweet validation.
As a husband his first duty is to you and to spend time with you. She is too cozy for a SIL in my opinion.
ReplyDeleteRegarding this.
That is his responsibility is to be with me, and it seems strange that he wants to go on a vacation with another couple and him alone? That is the strangest of all. I was praying to God to have more passion in our marriage, then this happens?
Yes, I did ask him if they had an affair, but he said no. Yes, they are cozy, but narcs keep everyone cozy, then there are us the targets, so I know I have to be careful.
For what its worth my mother ruined a life long relationship with her friend because she met the woman and her husband at the door in see through lingerie.
ReplyDeleteThat woman was able to see a red flag when she sees one, good for her. And see through lingerie, c'mon, like they don't know that we know that its peeping material. Its really a method of gaslighting and that's why I overlook things.
ReplyDeleteTo tell the truth I'm glad this happened to open my eyes up some more. Plus I know God's presence in the whole matter, but everything that went on was before my time with him. So it makes me no never mind who's boobs he saw.
And I can't go on this trip anyway, I have nothing to fight, I'll be talking myself into going, you know. But anyone find it suspicious it is his SIL that sent the email and not his brother? That I can stop, that one is in my control. But I have to stay clear of this trip, if I do anything else. But I'll be working that through.
Thanks Q, I talk too much lol
So do I. Sometimes if you babble long enough it's like the proverbial monkeys on a typewriter. You are bound to eventually fit the pieces together in a meaningful way. I commented over on peeps about how I had forgotten that when my second wife was divorcing me (in my comment) I said she put my wife in her will. It was more covert than that. She made my current wife the executrix, My wife is so decent I knew she wouldn't take the money and run. So when we reconciled she drafted a new will leaving her out and had me get the old one from my wife. She did it all in such a subtle way I forgot until now. But it took hours of commenting and writing on my own blog until one day I just sort of went hey! I had warning flags from my mother long before she left it all to my first wife. Which is lost money because she WON"T do the right thing at all.
ReplyDeleteShe being my mother
ReplyDeleteI know. I'm going to tell the whole story here, whether anyone wants to read it, just to get it out. Figure it out. It helps me too. sort sort sort, for the whole world to see. I like that lol
ReplyDeleteI can imagine how your wife felt. I'm afraid my mother will leave everything to me in her will just to piss everyone off. They have no loyalty these people. And they are so subtle. Covert. I used to think my mother always got caught naked by accident. And the same with the SIL. by accident. But writing helped me see the truth.
At least we keep our expectations low. The current crop of kids dance around singing I'm worth it......
ReplyDeletehttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tz8a2sBNrkI
Baybee I'm worth it
I know I'm worth it.
You know I'm worth it.
All I can think is that I expected the world to eat me alive. It's all I ever knew.
The hip hop queens will never see it coming.
Sorry that's off topic but that song plays 24/7 over here
ReplyDeleteI expected the world to eat me alive too. Although at the time I didn't understand anything. I was just born to be prey.
ReplyDeleteWe shouldn't have to explain to anyone that we are worth it. Just be worth it. and to be something is a lot harder than tooting your own horn. Hey that's interesting, that's what the MN parent wanted rooted out. Our self worth.
It's like Red's (Morgan Freeman's) comment in the movie "Shaw shank redemption". They give you life and that's exactly what they take. He was talking about a prison sentence but we are too............Kind of.
ReplyDeleteMy mother always felt entitled to my life. She told me so, because she fed me. Gave birth to me. Its like plucking a potato out of the ground and eating it, you are entitled for working so hard for it.
ReplyDeleteMy mother was so f'ing crazy she went both ways. You belonged to her because she gave you life. At the same time she would grind you into the dirt with her shoe.
ReplyDeleteI know, its like they are these bad children, can't take care of their belongings. Have to take the doll's head off. Ah, I hate to think I was belonging to my mother, that's what kept me under. A big part of recovery is coming out of that.
ReplyDeleteAnd no matter, no matter who I blame for hurting me, for flying monkey's appear in my life, for what crap other's are dealing out to me, it all come's down to my mother is the one actually at fault here for all this mess. The other's are just reaping the benefits. Mother was the creator of the whole thing.