Reality

So you read that other email?  There was another email about it this time saying if Joan and he were coming to the camp or their house.  And this time my name was mentioned.  This feels awful.  Was I included all along and the first emails were a mistake?  I need to put it all together again.  Sorry people, just for my purposes, I'm going to analyze this some more.

So ### and I will be off Friday Aug 21 till we'd Sept 2...you coming to camp??

planning on going ,will be leaving on the 27th , leave me a list of what you want me to bring , have to work on sept 2

I'm not sure I got most of it covered...maybe stuff for sandwiches if you want to eat some fishing any snacks you want..we always bring to much anyway...see ya soon

Then just earlier this weekend another email asking if he and Joan were coming to the camp or to their house.  He showed me the email and asked me if I was going.  What a mind boggling science experiment this was.  I got upset.  I said the first emails didn't include me so therefore I was under the assumption that I was not to go, and that he even said he was going alone.  He said he never said that. I said, "Yes, you did, don't you remember?"  Then he closed the email and now he is on his way to his camping trip.  (Sorry, I can't post the actual email, I promised to not hack his email anymore). But I know that the last email included me in an after-the-fact way.

I know the whole thing seems so crazy, and it feels like I misunderstood all along, and that I was actually included.  Now I'm sitting here and I'm wondering if I made the whole thing up, and I don't trust my own thoughts anymore.  Afterall, it was his email right?  What right do I have to assume that I'd be looking at it.  Now the whole thing looks like he is the fraud and SIL is a victim of circumstance.  It feels like it is all on him.  And she looks squeaky clean.  Plausible Deniability. There is no way for me to know which way is up or down anymore.  I've had it with thinking about this.  Yes, I'm hurt.  But I'm also forever grateful that I got out of this trip, it wasn't my doing, and I am entitled to go no contact with them.  For I know that his SIL is a narc, it didn't take me long to discover that on the last trip we went on there.  I can analyze that trip but first I have to start with the prickly pins and needles feelings that I got from there.  Then I can trace back to the emotions associated with that feeling.  This new trip and emails were rather insignificant.  So I won't even worry about the emails anymore.

I do have something for you.  ACON's have got to love this.  Since he answered her last email with just a, "going to the camp."  She thinks I'm going along.  I'm sure now the emails was just a way to screw with me, and now she is sitting at her camp waiting for me in predatory mode.  I don't mind saying that I am the prime rib of narcissistic supply.  At least I was.  Now she won't be getting any! There is this delicious feeling running through me, I friggin know what a narc is like when their expectations get dashed.  Have I found a way to get revenge?  No, I didn't this happened all by itself without me instigating anything.  She doesn't know I'm awake and aware and the whole thing is so friggin funny.

What my husband is going through?  First I'm not to go, then I am to go.  Well, he never pushed for me to go.  He knows I've been upset over this, but still it didn't matter.  It is always what the narc wants that come first.  Throughout my life I have seen my best friends even, turn on me to take care of a narc.  I have seen a lot.  I'm learning to trust my baser instincts on this.  He is turning on me to placate a narc.  When he shows up there alone, the narc will be throwing some kind of fit.  I don't know for sure, but my mother always did when her supply didn't show up.  This might not be a fun trip for any of them.  This being awake and aware has thrown in a new element into the mix.  Otherwise, I would have been screwed with and I would have went there.  Thank God that He intervened for me.  Protecting me.

As far as the smear campaigns go, I know this is up for grabs.  Anything can happen.  But I have told my husband that I don't want anyone talking about me while I'm there and if he could please divert any conversations away from me.  He said, "Ok".  Now that was too easy, and I don't get that.  Probably just to placate me and not start any argument.  But maybe they will talk about me and the smear campaign will begin?  Maybe, but I'll be aware of that too.  I'm praying, and it might even matter if nothing is said about me, the narc is a covert abuser.  My husband might hate me after this trip and he won't even know why.  That's just the way it is.  I wish I could just dump his ass.  But the best I can do is pray and hope that he opens his eyes and sees what is happening here.  If this was a normal woman, none of this would have happened.  A normal woman would make sure, absolutely sure, that there is another woman on the trip.  You can't tell me otherwise.  She would make darn sure of it.

And I know that I haven't told him in years that I never wanted to go on that trip.  We were talking about it earlier this summer, because we have a cat and we were making plans to bring him along, all before this mess of the emails started.

I am absolutely content that this is another narc attack, who is manipulating her placater.  It is hard on me, but I know what is happening.  

I worry about my ability to see truth and reality.  Its hard because it is challenged at every turn.  I have to be stronger than the voices playing on in my head.  And the voices all around me.

I am content that this is a narc attack, and he is a narc placater. And narc placaters do what they have always done. They follow the program.  BLINDLY OR THEY DON'T WANT TO KNOW.

I kept getting told that I didn't want to go.  And he says that I told him that earlier earlier on this summer.  Not so.  I even told him that I remember distinctly that we were discussing bringing the cat. And that was just a month or so ago.  I asked him not to lie to me about that.  I am really getting fed up.  Can we trade men in like we do cars?  I have my heart set on one that looks like Sean Connery. This could really play with my mind if I let it.  I told him I didn't want to go three years ago.  I know I didn't say that at all this year.  But he has to believe I did, this is something he has probably always done.

I get the feeling that he is not lying to me.  He is not purposefully screwing me over to save the narc hide.  He really isn't.  He really believes I just said this summer that I'm not going.  It is giving him some comfort continually saying that, and that is what he is believing.  When I said that it was in the email, and the email said that they only wanted him to go, he asked me, "Why would they leave you out of the email, you tell me what reason would they have."  

Evil is evil, there is no other way to define it.  Narcs are evil beings who do things for no reason, just for the fun of it.  No, I'm not going to tell him that.  My answer was, "There is no answer to that question, but it is interesting that you have asked me that."

I'm tired of this delusional man.  Really tired.  I have to accept the fact that he will be siding with the narcs over me.  I live in a world where there are narcs and narc placaters who don't seem to know it. They won't cross a narc, no way.  Its like somewhere inside themselves they know they are dealing with a sociopath and have to be careful.  He has no fear of me, but the freak he does.  I'm being told I said something I didn't say, my past is being used against me, and written words are used to destroy understanding.  Words are used for clarification and communication, when they get distorted, you know its a red flag.  Its been hard to accept this part of him.  I pray for us to somehow get past this.

I uncovered this mess.  I have seen with my own awakened eyes stuff I have seen all my life.  I realize now, that in the past my interpretation of events were not necessarily true.  I used to believe shit from people, now I know better.

I am daring myself to actually venture into some pretty shaky waters, that I never was willing to venture into.  I think all that is more important to me now.  I'm trying to accept reality.  Reality is not hitting me in the face, it just feels strange.  Strange because it is not easy to trust real reality right now, just is so weird.

I'm creating a boundary between my husband and I, I have done so all this time for he doesn't know, and I do, so I have to be careful.  He still thinks there is goodness inside of everyone.  I don't believe that.  And I never did. Thus we will need boundaries from now on.  He knows that some people just don't like me.  He thinks its me because I'm the only common denominator.  This sucks.  It feels like I'm the most offensive person on the planet though.  And I don't even have him on my side.

I can self-reference, but its very hard.  Believing what maybe untrue thoughts, I have to realize that my mind has been manipulated and I must train myself to put things into place.  The first step into doing that will have to be, well I'll have to learn to live in reality.

This is hard.  I have to distract myself constantly, and get myself stabilized over and over again.  I can't deal with the situation anymore.  We will not have any more conversations about it.  He is a narc placater plain and simple.  I've seen them before.  I have experience with that.  I have always been presented with skewed information, and I used to call it reality.  Take that email for instance, it looks like a cardboard hologram from the old cereal boxes. Now you see it (its a sadistic bullying tactic), Now you don't (its a misunderstanding).

I will, from now on, have to be vigilant on what information comes to me.  I will be a target, and that is just the way it is.  I will have to learn from each and every experience I have.

In a way, I'm glad to be an ACON, an awake one that is.  I don't have to accept the bullshit like the others do. One day I looked randomly at mother while she was ironing.  It was a blank stare, an empty face that I think she always had when no one was watching.  I get the feeling that while no supply was being gathered, she could shut right down, just like a robot.  Another time, I remember her saying, "You always hurt the one you love."  Then she looked all relaxed and happy.  I'm not sure if that was a song, it might have been.  I realize now the reason it made her so happy was because if that line was true then that made her the most loving person, for she was the most hurtful.  Well, I guess narcissists do what they do, and mother felt that her grandiosity needed to come first, above all.
But I remember believing the lies, the bullshit, not anymore.

Does anyone ever notice when an MN is around, it doesn't take very long to feel the adrenaline run through your body?  That it is time to walk on eggshells now?  I do.  And that feeling comes along and there is not a whole lot of exchange that goes on between me and the narc.  But it happens fast. Someone in my church group gives me that feeling and I'm trying to see what it is all about.  I'm really more curious these days about narcs.  Especially since discovering SIL.  Well, in my church group, and there are two narcs there!  One gave me the creeps right off the bat, and it didn't seem like she was that covert at all.

But there is another one.  I get the creeps from her. Everyone likes her, but I always notice that she looks like she is going to kill someone.  She has me freaking right out.  And the feeling that comes in my body.  Wow.  There is no gettting away from the feelings that well up in me, and there is nothing I can do to stop it.  Nothing.  No sweet words coming from her or about her.  My feeling is so strong. And I used to wonder why I felt this way about her.  She spent 20 years praying for her unsaved husband.  This is a very solid lady.  I look over at her and my body almost grinds to a halt if I try and approach her, I can't friggin approach her, and I have no choice.  And nowadays, it stands to reason that someone who prays for her unsaved husband for 20 years, is a high status that any narc will love to have!  And I knew this 2 years ago, before I knew anything about narcs.

Just as she talks I can see the way her mouth moves.  The corners of her mouth turn downward, and that triggers anxiety in me.  But a lot of people have mouths who do that, especially with age and/or weight gain.  Or just normally.  And I usually see those people and I have no problem.  I can't tell you why I am getting the creeps from her.  I noticed she is quite bossy and domineering, but she comes at it in a kind way.  At least everyone else thinks so.  I don't.  But I have heard her say things that were very cutting to others, things that are not normal or humane.  I don't know.  But try to pull me with a tow truck to get me to go near her.  I can't, my body won't let me.  I think my body is trying to tell me something, and I have to pay attention to it.  I will try to listen to her more carefully to hear the things she says.  I know she has a son that has severe anxiety, she has brought that up.  I actually heard her call her son stupid once.  She acted like she was a poor sweet mother with this stupid son.  And everyone was sympathetic towards her, I mean she did it so covertly, that anyone would feel badly for her having a stupid son. I know as a mother that it is impossible to say that of my kids.  It would never happen.  But wow, I just remembered this bit about her son.  I was so focused on the feelings in my body, the flight syndrome, and as I was typing I remembered the son, she is dangerous.  No doubt about that now.  Blogging helps me remember stuff.

I listen to the adrenaline, but I know that some people who try to be my friend first and somehow that feeling goes away fast, till I realize that years later that person turned me into an emotional slave. But I just started to realize that people like that, I knew all along were narcs.  Just the friendship thing kept me in denial, for I have forever wanted to be accepted.  So I no longer look for approval from anyone.  I keep a conscious vigilance over my mouth and facial expressions, and stuff I say.  I can't do it all the time, but I'm getting better at it and that is all that counts.

I had a friend once who was so nasty she didn't hide her narcissism very well.  Even in my unawakened state, I picked up on it right away.  One time she went in for surgery, and when she went home and asked me to help her.  I did plan on staying at least a few nights there on a cot she borrowed.  The problem was that the cot had a wire sticking out of it.  I told her that, and still offered to stay, I said I would sleep on the couch instead.  She hollered at me, "Oh Joan, you are always complaining." Can you imagine that?  That was our last meeting, I walked right out of her apartment and left the pork chops frying in the pan.  Six months later, she called me and left a message on my answering machine.  She said, "Its Christmastime, are you over your hissy fit?"  lol, yep.

But this was not the case with another narc friend I had.  That one I kept around for 20 years.  We were very close.  I could actually talk to her and she would never get nasty.  Never.  I have to look back now and see her vicious behaviour.  I remember quite a few things, but she was way more covert.  I told her once that I had to return a faulty item I bought at the store.  She told me that it was people like me that caused stores to go out of business.  Lots of things.  I talked about her before.  My children picked up on her when they were little.  They felt that they couldn't cross her.  I might write a post entirely on her, it is a lot.  But it took me a long time, that one was extremely hard to spot.

And what is this thing about narcs?  Part of my husband's problem with his SIL I'm pretty sure about, is that he doesn't think that she would harm someone for no reason, there has got to be a reason. There doesn't.  She might not like me because I did something to her, and I was an emotional wreck when we first got together.  So I get blamed for the snub?  Ok.  If I was an emotional wreck at the time, I accept that.  I was not so horrible.  I know I wasn't, but I have to remember that Satan will use the past to torment me.  That is going to happen.  I was mistaken in thinking that he blamed me for that.  I don't think he is concerned with that, that part I might have been imagining.  He mentioned it in the beginning of all this, just once.  I have to be careful here, too many people are trying to mess with my mind.

I keep thinking of the apostle Paul calling himself a bondservant of Jesus Christ when he was in an actual prison.  So I guess it must be the same for me, but I'm not in chains as he was but the overwhelming feelings, the self doubt plague me like a tormenting prison.  All my personal issues keep me trapped in my own  head.

But God has called me to righteousness, I don't get to play around.  For he even said to remember that yes they can hate me, but that they hated him first.  This is no small task for an ACON who wants and needs love from everyone around her.  But even then God reminds me that He is my portion.  If I am left with just Him in my life I will have more than enough love.

But someone can condemn me and they always do.  I am a part of this spiritual war.  But somedays it feels like I'm tanking.  Somedays I fail every test.  I know now that I must watch not to fall for the narc's traps.  Not that I need to foil their traps but just not to fall into it. God will help me.

I'm a little weary about even going to church anymore.  There are some nice people there, and they talk about it, but they don't even know what a spiritual war is.  We are worlds apart, and I see all these smiles and they think the best of everyone, and, yes we are worlds apart.  I have to fend off narcs in the mix too, that have such glowing reputations.  I've just about had it.  I feel like I need a secret bunker someplace, the world is caving in on me.  They don't believe that there are pure evil people around, that want to do harm at every turn, try and tell them, no don't.

I had to be careful of what I said to my husband about the trip.  I did't want to talk him into taking me.  But I can't help but be creeped out how he is living in this delusional state.  Of course he thinks the whole thing is not her fault.  Of course he thinks that the email included me.  I just hate for him to think that it is my fault.  It looks like the whole thing is his fault and he is an ass.  I'm tired of being made a fool here, we were just talking about bringing the cat, just earlier on in the summer.  But now it looks like he is off to watch a personal titty show.  Ok, enough of that.  He didn't want me to go, and when I was offered on the last email, he didn't push me into going.  He then said I was invited all along and he never said that I wasn't going.  Who knows, maybe it is another play on words again, but I'm too tired.

I'm getting an idea of what reality is.

Another thing about the blogging.  He thinks I'm talking about him all the time.  I told him, "Wow, you think I would talk about you for the whole world to see?"  lol  He didn't say anything.