Tuesday, April 26, 2016

The Challege of Being Enough

I know its been a long time since I've posted anything, and its like I get caught up in things that are very difficult for me to navigate.  I should blog, but the reading of that won't be so pleasant, I want to bring value.  I've been feeling this and that, and a big argument with my oldest daughter caused her to block me on facebook.  We don't agree on things, we never did, she never respected me and even now, she tells me that I was a non-existent parent and still am.  She said she had to learn many things on her own when she was growing up, and it was like I wasn't there.  But now, she seems to always want me to help, and I of course have my limitations.  As I try to work through my limitations, life doesn't allow me time to process, and then things get screwed up.  Things happen too fast and I'm left trying to figure things out.

One thing I did was open my bible and started reading and started praying, then some kind of revelation came over me, and I am now ready to write and share.  Please, whatever you do, make whatever limitations you do have, make it all ok.  Even if you are struggling trying to choose what cereal to buy, just go to another part of the store and do all the easy shopping, and when you are ready go make the ones that require choice.  Give yourself that peace of knowing that when you are picking out the simpler items, that when you get to the cereal boxes, you'll be alright in doing so.

So, no matter what limitations, just make it all ok.  When you judge yourself, you have all this calamity to deal with.  I mean, it just doesn't go anywhere.  Self-care becomes difficult.  Getting out of bed becomes difficult, and I even let the woodstove go out a couple of times this week.  I was not attentive, it was like I was stuck in the past, to the way it was.  And as ACON's we need our attentiveness, even to battle the human predators out there.  Its like this fog comes over, and we become helpless to stop it.

All my children are able to hold down employment, and this is something I am very proud of.  So I give them kudos, and to my oldest daughter, well, she thinks I live a very perfect and privileged life. But such is not the case.  I have very serious issues, with my relationship even.  Its like I'm still not used to him.  He has lived a different kind of life from me.  I'm scared if he finds out too much.  But still vulnerability is a cornerstone in relationships, I know that.  It takes a lot of work for me, and I struggle and I struggle.  Be mad at me if you want, this is not something I choose, this is something that happened regardless.  But, my children don't live like this, they don't have the deep pain.

Our marital issues are not related to a serious issue as one might imagine.  It is a deep core issue. If you've been reading here, you know what I mean.  I get through this daily, one day at a time.  A relationship with someone of the opposite sex is tough even at its best times, with the most stable people, marriage is at a 50% success rate.  That doesn't scare me.  I know what I have to do.  But lots of what I have to do is going through fear, and other tough battles I have to go through.  My mind is a very dangerous thing, so I tend to try to go by my emotions, no matter what.

My oldest daughter has bought some furniture on time.  This I cautioned her against, something might happen.  Things are starting to happen now, and I'm afraid she might not be able to pay for it. She is asking for money to pay for the other bills, like the phone bill, so I know what is going on. She doesn't make a lot of money, not minimum wage, but an ok money.  She has a job where she has regular hours, but can work anytime she wants to.  She can make extra money when needed.  She has split custody of the kids with her ex.  I think she can be ok, she can hold down a job, and she can make a good life, and the ex is a good father.  But she does these crazy things, so I got scared for her.

She need not ever see poverty, but she seems to be making it happen by needing to have to keep up with the Joneses, and making things very difficult.  I know she needs to grow on her own, but then I get dragged into it, with her needing me, for money, whatever.  Anyway, I can't talk about that anymore.  Long story short she is not talking to me.   Just something I have to pray through.

My youngest daughter is having a relationship issue.  That I can handle.  I got a handle on that stuff. She just needs to be more expressive with him, and not hold everything in.

Another problem with my youngest's boyfriend.

Well, he bought some car tires from a friend and the tires didn't fit the car.  I asked him if he checked to see if they would fit, and he said, "No, I trusted my friend who was supposed to do it for me."   The tires set him back $400.  And his friend won't give him back the money, for his friend insists the tires fit.

Well, I don't have to tell an ACON what this is all about.  I told him a little.  I am very open with the kids, however, there are some things I can't tell.  After a while, he said that he needed counselling.  I don't doubt that.  Perhaps he does.  However, I do have my own experience with it.  When my daughter first got involved with him, I found out he was an abused child with lots of physical abuse, who left home at  14 and almost starved on the streets.  Since then he has built up his life, got working, and is a very stable young man at 25.

I went to many counsellors, some good, some useless.  I had to give up caffeine, stop this, stop that. Try walking very slow, doing things in slow motion sometimes.   All of which I did of course, I wanted to get better.  One problem remained.  Why did I exist as a nervous wreck?  So after absorbing the ton of information on the internet about narcissistic parents, I realized that someone can read all this stuff, and yeah, experience it even, but in the end it may not make no never mind, and its not like they don't care, its just that they don't get how this may apply to them.

I used to think that people bullied me.  I thought I was the target of bullies.  "Its just your imagination".  "Why do you think everyone is out to get you?  No one is out to get you."  Hmm, wow, and when you read how we are targets and became lifelong targets, you start to see the truth. This whole world is going crazy, and I can see it.

He's a good guy who believes his friend would never take advantage of him.  "Oh, he only needed money and that is why he did it."  Oh, so this is why he scammed you?  His so called friend.

I felt the need to describe what a narcissitic person was.  For a long time.  This is not a person.  This is a greedy little beggar who goes looking for ways to milk human kindness.  This is a disgusting creature, bound for the fire, they are not the wheat, they are the chaff.  They will remain the chaff, for they are just gone.  As we Christians, seek to gather the wheat for God's harvest, the chaff will be not accepted.  It is done.

Some people read that portion of scripture and think that chaff will become wheat someday for God will save them.  No.  Chaff is chaff.  Get over it.  It is done.  They are only here because the good people remain, and God is seeking them out.  He will use destructive means and it will hurt the good people.

Narcissists like money or so it seems.  My mother was never about money, for she never had any. Any money she had she spent it in such a way that made her look good.  I guess you can say that she was all about money for she made poverty give her a high status.  It did.  Most of us, when in poverty, don't look so good, but she did.  Don't ask me how, but she did it.

And narcs who do have money, it is only for the flaunting of it.  But  I swear to you right now, that it is beyond their reach to understand the enjoyment of it.  They enjoy flaunting it.  They enjoy hurting you with it.  There was once this episode on "Little House on the Prairie" when Nellie Olsen somehow trapped Laura Ingalls into her room.  She had dolls, toys, clothes aplenty.  So when Laura left unshaken from the house, Nellie threw her expensive toys all around, destroying them, for they did not give her the "supply" she needed.  I thought that episode was very accurate.  She did not love the toys.  She only wanted them to cause pain to others.  And when this didn't happen she hurled them for they were now useless.

So just by realizing that it is foolish to even think in terms of trying to impress the narcs in the world. It really don't matter to them.  To have something very impressive is ok, but only if you want it.  Not because you feel forced to keep up with this crazy society.  To me, some money in your pocket is much better.  But some people buy and buy and buy, and they live stone cold broke with good money, where they could live well.  Just to impress, I don't know, but all this stuff, to me. is meaningless.

I wonder about narcs.  How does that brain work?  It only needs to feed of the milk of human kindness, of human value.

So when my daughter's boyfriend said his friend meant well, or otherwise had good intentions, I knew for me the gig was up.  His friend could have walked in the door when I was there, and I would have walloped him.  This friend, which I don't know anything about, is shady.  At the very least.  And I know my daughter's boyfriend was targeted.  I wanted to give him a heads up about that, but its hard.  This is not easy stuff we talk about.  You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink applies here.  But we did have a very long talk about it.

And I get the feeling that this has been happening to the dear boy for a very long time.  It would be cool wouldn't it?  If at 25, we could have had our freedom, the way we do now, to know what we know about narcs back them would have been like gold.  So what do I do?

He says he knows he needs counselling, but is there any counselling for us really?  I've been a pile of nerves.  Even after counselling I knew some stuff.  But, it wasn't enough really.  Something else was going on some truth I needed to know.  I've been in the dark, even rejected the very notion that people have been targeting me.  I mean, how did I come to believe that even?  Simple truth, but its very hard, for no one even believes it.  Its like I had to call the whole world crazy to call myself normal.  I had to have the confidence to get there.

So I gave him some good information.  I sent my daughter this website and asked her to get him to read it.  Its the 12 steps for scapegoats to follow.  Its been a few days, and so far he has not read it. Do I pile on more information?  This is delicate stuff.  Not to be passed around, I have too much respect for it.  I need him to come to the realization on his own.  I know he knows something is terribly wrong with the way his life goes, that is a start.  It feels terrible to say that.  In order for him to get better, he has to realize the cold hard truth.

I know a lot of stuff has been taken off our shoulders, once we are able to process this stuff.  I could have had a therapist even tell me that mother was a narc, and this is the beginning of my sorrows, but would I have believed it?  Who wants to believe that about the parents, who raised us?  Its very hard.  I came to the reality, myself, by researching a relationship site, my go to site, when things go badly in my life.  The woman teaches on everything.  And could have even been an engulfed daughter herself.  She told us that her mother never gave birth to a baby girl, her mother gave birth to a soon to be lawyer.  Who she would make her become a lawyer.  A fiercely independent woman, strong and capable.  She did become a lawyer, only wanting to be a mother and wife, but I digress, this is not my story to tell.

But the incredible insight I got, about authenticity, about our true selves, opened, and paved the way into the truth about my narcissistic mother.  Could I have gotten there any other way?  I knew mother was mean and nasty, but this I believed to be normal, that mother was kind and caring in such a way, that it came out as mean.  She only wanted the best for me.  What a load of shit that was.

Awakening to the truth didn't take a lot of work on my part.  It was and it wasn't.  It was more of a spiritual journey more than anything.  Instead of work, I had to just open.  That is the best way I can describe it.

So now when things get complicated I know I have to take a break and just relax.  Getting back to relaxing might feel wrong, but its the only way I can function.  Even if I have to stumble through life, which is not perfect anyway.  It seems like I'm slower than anyone else.  And I try to hide that, then it just looks bad on me.  My intentions are to try my best, just that it isn't always going to be perceived by others that way.  For their best is always better.  Most people function way better than me, and I don't try to block that, for that would be dangerous.  That way I could start acting out in bad ways, but I just accept myself.  And that way I can bring my highest value self to all the lives I touch.

I used to have nightmares that by not being good enough, then what the heck was I good for?  What was the point of anyone having me around?  They could do better without me.  So this guilt lives with me too.  I started out thinking that all I had to do was make everything ok.  But my oldest child telling me that I was not good enough, really speaks volumes.  I swear I was not a drug addict or a drunk or a partier, but I might as well have been, for someone like that is a lot better than me.  They can function better than me.

Well, I thought I had worked through these emotions before I wrote.  One thing I do know, is I'M ENOUGH will steadily be challenged.  I need to constantly remind myself that I am enough, just the way I am.  What do I have to do to be enough in this world?  We are born enough.

Tuesday, April 5, 2016

Horror Movies Review

I often think of my captivation over certain horror movies.  I wrote about it before but I wanted to revisit it at some time when I had more insight.  I think I might have that insight now.  I heard that they are remaking the movie "IT".  It was one of my favorites, it held me spellbound watching it repeatedly.  I so want to go and see it, however, I don't want to be caught doing that, what would people say?  That I am morbid and strange.  So I don't go see it.  I will have to hope that the new version will grace my tv at some point in time.

Plus too, my own Christian morals, how do I incorporate this into my life?  Am I to live some dreaded double life for the rest of my life?  Oh, well.  I suppose there are answers for that but in the meantime, I just want to examine one of my favorite films.

I think the scene "don't get caught in the deadlights", is a very fascinating piece.  Kinda like, well, what we go through.  See right through them, don't get caught in its deadlights for then you will die. This has me thinking of covert narcissism we recently discussed over at Q1605's blog.  I think I can see through them, but i have to keep it quiet.  Although the crap is going on around me, it is important that I at least appear to be normal.  Once you believe and fall for the trap, you are in trouble.

Just this week I felt it again.  Stuff was happening, and the deadlights were coming after me, and I am afraid that I appeared silly.  Hard to explain.  Try to be normal, when you can see past their shit, into the realm of the covert narcissist, and no one else does.  You just want to say something but nothing that comes out of your mouth will even appear sane.

What I tend to do, is that I lock myself up at home.  I don't leave the house, but staying home too long gets me very lonely.  So I go out there, and then I get hurt, then I come back home and the process begins all over again.

DH is thinking he will get his revenge on his "buddy" that took, and took, and took from him and everyone around here.  We all live out here one a private road, and everyone pays to get it plowed but "buddy" who goes to Florida for the winter has decided to forgo the necessary snowplowing.  He said he was fine for when he comes back in April he has no need.  We still have many feet of snow so he does need it done, and has asked to borrow the equipment to do it himself, without paying.  His part of the road, that is.  No can do.  Equipment breaks down so a steady stream of money has to be paid into the group to do it.  I knew from day one this guy was trouble, but I only knew it in my emotions. DH is not plowing his part of the road on command of this guy, he used to do this for.  Long story, long story, basically DH thinks its about the money this guy doesn't want to pay.  I believe it has nothing to do with the money.  This is all a game and DH is playing the game accordingly, and I have no choice but to sit back and watch.

This guy has already instilled fear in a few of the people who live here.  No one wants to go after him and everyone has to pay, they would rather not say anything.  Although one guy is, DH is leaving it up to him.  I know I can tear this guy in two, if it were left up to me.  But it is not up to me, everyone else is caught up in the deadlights of this guy who does not want to pay the $500 per year.  He goes to Florida every year, it is not about the money, IT IS ABOUT WINNING.  I"ve seen too many narcish behaviours from him.

DH told me that the guy will be angry, and he likes that idea of making him angry.  I told him that it has nothing to do with him personally, but he thinks it does.  He rambles on about how the guy has made enemies around here.  I told him that people can turn on you fast, be careful.  And I told him, that "buddy" might turn up here on the door, placing his charm, perfectly in place, and he can easily have you and everyone on his side.  He might come here with a peace offering, ie screw you over.  I don't put it past him.  They don't do the normal, "be mad at you".

ACON's have been going through this for a lifetime.  I see it all over the place.  I felt that the movie "IT" is a very appropriate movie, very much keeping up with what we have to go through.

Come to think of it, we were talking about "Covert Narcissism" over at Q's blog.  I have an opinion of it.  I think its someone severlely twisted, but appears to be normal and sane.  Also, I think there is an overt narcissist as well.  This is someone who basically hides in plain sight.  My mother was like that.  You sort of overlook her patterns, and convince yourself that she is normal and sane.

I've been reading some of Anna V's blog, and I learned that I am much too nice to the human predators called narc's.  I truly have.  I didn't start out that way.  When I first started writing, I was very hard on them, good thing, for I was reading of Anna's blog, but then I started to go on my own, and I have been much too kind to these creatures.  That is going to end.

Narcs, borderlines, call them what you will, but they are the most insideous creatures. Disgusting, horrible, and totally intentionally that way.  Don't trick yourselves into believing otherwise, or you'll get caught up in the deadlights.  If you want to you can just call them what they are, assholes.  You can just switch the word "narc" or "borderline" with "asshole"  in your mind, and you will see the snowjob.

Another movie I thought was great was the one called funny games.  I don't know if you've seen this movie, I totally had to own that movie and I bought it, and I watch it now and again to get some learning.  I've been doing this before I had awakened.

This clip missed the part about the eggs.  These bad guys wanted eggs, and the family was unable to get them the eggs, and as such they had to die.  They killers did everything "decent and normal".  Was very moral, kept the peace, it was just a game afterall.  The family wasn't very polite, but you could see the bad guys not being polite, but you might not see it.  Not supposed to see it.

I have been moaning about this for too long and no one listens to me.  I see bad behaviour wherever I go, I can go to my quilting guild happy to be around people, then I come home all tired and spaced out.

Then its back home, to watch my shows.  I own the full series of "Little House on the Praire", I watch those too.  And I watch twisted horror movies.  I wonder if this explains my personality.

I wonder how the writers even manage to get this stuff seeing as we are very rare.  They are just making a movie, to make money, but they hit on certain truths.  I don't know why that is.

I like how Anna V used the pseudonym of Anna Valerious.  This is a character in a horror movie about a vampire slayer.  Growing up the way we did, it is a miracle we even survived.  If you don't become one of them, they will drive you crazy, but if you do awaken, you become the vampire slayer. It is not a comfy position.  I think I've been telling people this all my life, I would just speak my truths into the air.  Nothing I ever did say really mattered, everyone was too caught up in the deadlights.