Staying Safe

I take it for granted that a narcissist is grandiose.  This puffed-up image of themselves needs to be held up by someone, I don't think they can do it alone, thus they are parasitical in nature.

When I was growing up, an unspoken rule was, "Do not challenge the tyrant."  Very well then, we made out like mother had the whitest laundry that we have ever seen.  Clothes hanging on the line that were white were practically expected to be worshipped.  I don't know if people coming from loving homes ever had to do this for their parents.  To uphold this fact.

Or mother would just brag about herself.  And everything coming out of her mouth was the truth, you better believe it.  I got the sense she got rid of narcs that were too obvious. Such was the case with my brother's wife.  Mother had a very good excuse though.  When my SIL was being abusive to her daughter my mother actually called her on it.  She would do that with a lot of narcs.  It was like mother was saying, ' Don't be stupid, don't get caught, it is too easy to see what you are doing."

Mother could practice gaslighting so well, I'm still caught by this one.  I'm learning to catch it though. Trouble is my body reacts to narcs before my brain ever could.  That't the tricky part.  The fight or flight kicks in before I even have a chance to think.  Sometimes I don't realize until a day or so later what happened.

What amazes me, and still amazes me is that I grew up under this.  Didn't find out until I was much, much older what happened.  I thought no one but mother was the most loving and kind.  Now, if she were to ever call me again, I would have to tell her that she must take this all up with God and not with me, for He holds her eternal fate in His hands.

Wow, imagine saying that to a narc? lol  It would be fun.  That would be smashing the grandiose image for sure.  This is someone who even sees herself above God Almighty and would love to usurp Him from the throne.  She would be in charge of the universe at that point, and any changes she would make to the design or plan, must be met with, "Thank you God."

That is what she is like.  You can't invade that image.  It is so strong.  I used to get beatings(usually emotional) if I even dared challenged her.  She was the greatest, most loving, hardworking, etc.

She wasn't.  She was and is a parasite.  They all are.  They use people to hold up their image.  Its like this all the time.  Mother was worshiped by the masses, seemingly living a very ordinary life.  She never had goals or dreams, or ever existed as a person of her own caliber.  I was forced to provide her with this image.  She lived on images.  A pretend life.  I don't know what she ever did that was ever that great.  She only made everyone fearful of ever crossing her, so they upheld her, as such she lived a useless and meaningless life.

I think back on her now and I can see the way she used to look at me.  That staring glare, I used to believe was love.  She loved me so much, couldn't stand to be away from me, and stared at me all the time.  That staring was the collection of supply, for I was sensitive.  I was and still am very sensitive. Narcs pick up on this and I spent my life fighting the sharks.  I could have got into it again, but I avoided that camping trip but I worry about what now.  DH SIL is not going to take this well.  This damages the grandiose image, and I have got to pay for that.  It was easy for me to see her grandiose ways 3 and a half years ago.  She kept the cabin clean, and caught the most fish.  And everyone said so!  Its funny, I could do that and not a word.  How do they do it?

Well, unless she has given up and decided to look for easier prey, I am in for big trouble when DH comes home.  I'm leaving on Tuesday and will be gone till Wednesday, so hopefully he will run out of steam, concerning the smear campaigns.  He gets back on Tuesday, so he'll have time alone. Hopefully, that will work.  But can we really avoid a smear campaign?  Will he defend me to a freak, he has been a narc defender all his life.  He is someone I need to watch out for.

Here is a few things I've been thinking of saying.  "Have you seen the movie gaslight?  Wasn't he such a wonderful man?"  Or "I pissed in every cabana from here to Texas, if I whipped it out like that I would surely be arrested."  Ok, I don't have a thing to whip out.  Just mulling this one over.  I think I'll just say, "Yeah eh?"  To everything that even remotely smears me.

The point is to not gaslight myself.  Believe that I was not responsible for this, even though she might sit on a sliver of the truth, get it out of my head that I was not to blame.  It was not my fault.  Narcs need a sliver of truth for lies and evil can't stand alone.  So she needs to uphold her image of grandiosity.

Not that DH will be abusive towards me.  When he left here, he was playing cards on the computer and I asked him, "Don't you have to get ready for your trip?"  He then got ready.  Did I push him out the door?  No.  I was trying to give him his freedom, for I think he felt bad and was having a hard time leaving so I relieved him of that.  Big hug and kiss.  Then I asked him if he could leave me the camera and he could use his cellphone as a camera.  (We can't talk on the phone, there is no cell phone power where he is going).  He kind of played a game over this.  He didn't outward say that I could use the camera.  No yes or no.  Just played around.  I told him a long time ago that he can't do that with me, it triggers me, and here he was doing it again.  But one word from me, "I don't understand please make yourself clear."  Then he answered me with a yes and a smile.

Stick to truth and reality.  Stay with it.  It is like surfing on a wave.  There will be some trouble spots, but stay with truth and reality and it should go fine.  Sometimes we fear things that are anticipatory. The psyche community calls this anticipatory anxiety and I have some writing on it that I kept from a long time ago:

"The truth about anticipatory anxiety is that the actual situation is usually never as bad or as anxiety-producing as the anticipatory anxiety.  Your fears are much worse when you are anticipating the situation than they will be when you actually are in the situation.  The wall of anticipatory anxiety is often what keeps you from moving ahead, keeps you from making decisions and following through, and keeps you from taking chances that will help you improve your life.  Don't tell yourself you want to wait until you are certain you are over your problems with anxiety or panic before you try working on certain limitations.  That is putting the cart before the horse.  You must get out and do these things, experience anxiety and understand that you will survive, and that it will not hurt you . This is the way you  will begin to get over your anxiety disorder.  Give yourself permission to feel anxious while you are out working on a new limitation.  Of course you feel anxious!  You are trying something new and challenging.  Try to view your anxiety as excitement.  Many of the body symptoms are the same.  And be sure to praise yourself for even the smallest success."

Such invalidating shit huh?  Push through eh?  Just go out there and experience anxiety?  What we have experienced as ACONs is that it is wall we are trying to push through is our body warning us of great danger.  Great danger.  We did not make ourselves like this.  This saying is just like them telling us, "Yes we know that is a grizzly bear but push through go pet him on the nose."  Our bodies tell us otherwise.  Such shit, I had it with the psyche community.  You can disagree with me if you want to, everyone gets a say.

And this saying is so invalidating.  If you are an ACON reading this, you are probably over the age of forty.  Many of us didn't survive.  I read how some people died early from predators.  Travis Alexander, Stacy Peterson, to name just two off the top of my head.  Both these people had experience with child abuse abandonment.  They are dead.  You are not dead you got through, amazing isn't it?  I can never get over that.

You know what I think has kept me alive?  It was all the psychopath movies I watch.  I look at the DVR and here is my list:

Sleeping with the Enemy
Kept Woman
The Bad Seed
Committed
Drew Peterson: Untouchable
Jodi Arias: Dirty Little Secret
The Baby
The Perfect Assistant
The Amityville Horror
The Girl he met online
Harm's Way

I had deleted a few, but these are the one's I keep playing on the tv and I never watch them.  They play on in the background while I'm doing things, sort of like a normal person listens to a radio.  This is no game it seems.  My brain is somehow trying to learn how to stay alive around predators.  This happens automatically I can't help it.  I have been doing this for a very long time.

So this new predator disguised as a sister-in-law will be out for the kill I'm so sure.  They give up easily, but not always.  She doesn't know I'm awake and aware and could think that I just got busy and couldn't make the trip, who knows, but she may not be done with me yet.

I choose to stay innocent of all this.  If he says I hurt her feelings, I will know something is up.  The stinkbomb will be set.  She will slather me with guilt, shame.  She will play the victim.  But who sent that first email?  Did I start all this?  I can't say that though.  Truth will be hard to grasp at that point. I will then just realize it, then move on. Hopefully, and I pray that we will get through this.

Its funny, I wasn't going to post this.  I just wanted to write something that was totally meaningless, but I delved into my heart.  Have you ever did that in a blog?  Just say that you were going to write and not post because the meaning is too personal?  I just have, its great.