I used to always watch Austin Stevens Adventure Show. He has the skills and knowledge of nature and he knows a little about wind patterns, that is to stay downwind. And lots of other things.
This is bear country. Wildlife is such a wonderful thing. I never want it to go away. I was safe in a truck coming back home on these roads last night all by myself and it's about a half hour drive in. I find the ride home at night exhilarating. I was out at a church social and everyone thought I'd be scared on the ride home. They would be. But I love it. So why can't I be as fearless with the rest of life as I want to be? Because it is not the same as having emotional resources in everyday life and with dealing with people. There is this horrible brainwashing which won't allow me to be my own person and I am attached to that brainwashing. Brainwashing feels normal.
What if mother was around me right now? What would I do and say? I know what I want to be doing, and that is to toss her aside and not listen to the barrage of complaints about me. Tell her off. But what would I actually do? I can't answer that question because although I know what I should do, say, act and think, what I might actually do is conform again. The reality of that is hard to think about. I am stuck in what you can call a form of attachment.
"The Root of Suffering is Attachment" is a sayng from Buddha. This fella has such amazing wisdom, however I don't view him as a god, just a man. This saying has profound wisdom in it that I can take this one saying and apply it to my life in many, many ways.
When you spend your formative years attached to another person, that's the way it will be until you change that. That change will require going into a higher energy. That is, more energy has to go into it than what you are applying right now in my life. This is what I like to call emotional resources. Or deprogramming.
Two things, I'm scared of is physical pain or humiliation. For sure, at some point I would wrong someone, even by accident and I can't prove either way that I did do them wrong, on purpose or by accident. But I haven't the strength to go into the higher energy and just feel the pain and go on with that and be ok with myself. Someone tells me I did something wrong and I'm forever trying to explain and figure out what I did do. I'm scared to get hurt or humiliated so I"ll tend to lose arguments by not being able to state my position. Presently, I tend to interrupt people so I won't as a way of self protection, in case they say something to hurt me. Or to stop them from saying something I done wrong. This is not advantageous in social situations.
A few years ago my husband and I went to go visit his cousin. She was a strange woman. She was outspoken to the point so that I knew her whole life story in the first hour we met. The first thing she told me is that she came from a good family. I was taken aback from that statement and I remember it exactly, it was the first thing she told me. I realize now I feel inferior to those who come from a good family.
Next we went to his ex's to pick up his dog's and she told me that "I'm sure you heard lots of bad things about me." Emotionally I felt freaked out, and I didn't know why, she didn't attack me. Or did she?
His cousin and his ex were in contact with one another. Neither liked the other, but still they kept in contact. Now neither one of them knows me, or do they? There was nothing for me to do but feel pity for them and I think that was what they wanted.
But why should I care? Anna Valerious talked about people who look for pity are actually predators. His cousin and his ex were looking for pity and attention. Why should I care? Pitying someone requires that you to take your guard down and be defenseless. You can't defend yourself with someone and pity them at the same time.
His cousin on the other hand had, no doubt in my mind, was a major source of pain for others. She had two screaming fits while I was there, about how the whole world has wronged her, and she was stepping over my boundaries by making me agree with everything she said. I only just met her.
I've been sitting here thinking of these two particular incidences, and the pain I feel about it is only caused by attachment. Why should I care about what they are going through? I don't know them, I feel as though I owe them something just because they talked to me. To help them to feel better by becoming defenseless.
I remember mother. She would always be mad about something. I couldn't cope with it, it was always so horrible. I would always scramble to try to fix the situation, sometimes I only made matters worse. I remember saying once that I wanted a couple of kids when I grow up. This angered mother. She told me she wanted me sterilized right now and she would find a doctor to do so.
I watched an episode of "Masters of Sex" a few weeks ago. It was the only time I watched the show. Gladys posted in her blog about weird coincidences recently and that reminded me that the only time I watched "Masters of Sex". I don't know why I watched it, we don't watch too much television anymore. It didn't talk about narcissism and I was not awakened yet.
This one episode had this young girl always getting pregnant then always having to get abortions. Eventually her mother ordered her sterilized and the young girl actually signed the papers for it. When the doctor told her she may want kids some day and just use birth control, she said she would always get pregnant by some guy and couldn't stop it she needed the procedure now. And the mother was insisting on it.
This reminded me of mother wanting to have me sterilized even though I didn't have the same problem as this girl. This girl seemed to have a case of attachment to every guy she sees and couldn't stop it. The show ended with the girl actually getting sterilized.
I think the connection is clear. How an engulfing narcissist mother will cause a great deal of attachment on her child so much so that the child can't see her way through. It is disgusting.
There is no external law governing the case of how a child should be with her mother. She follows in after the mother (or sociopath). She can't see a disconnection only suffering which she is used to at this point. Suffering the child has to fix or live through.
I had a dream last night. I had a job and I was working. I was in a new mind since my awakening, but this job was at my last place of employment. I was asked to return. It was the same company, but the company moved to my old grade school. That is why I am thinking of attachment today. Childhood never goes away, it stays with us. That pain that causes suffering is so deep rooted that nothing can remove it. I pray and ask God to intervene and make me less attached, but that deliverance hasn't come yet.
I still feel responsible for others suffering and feel the need to help them. It may not be my fault, but I need to help others feel better. It is my responsibility to be either a doormat for them and appease them in any what that I can. There are predators out there waiting for me if I don't do something about it. I need to do something about the binding tie.
Call it loyalty, devotion, honor. Call it what you will. I call it evil. It is a counterfeit. It solves no problems, doesn't give to anyone. It is a case of me being needy to prove that I don't belong to myself. In a way I was brought up to be ashamed to be a person all by myself.
I blog because it helps me find the answers that I know that lay hidden deep inside me. It is not helping this time. That is unfortunate. This is another journey that I'm on.
Perhaps if I back up a bit here. What if I'm still believing all the evil? Mother doesn't wish me well. She only wants to see me hurt, she has told me that. To her I don't exist. She has taught me not to exist, I'm not supposed to exist. As much as I'd like to think she is worried about me right now, she doesn't care. She is a malignant narcissist. A parasite, an evil entity. This has no place in a good society.
Instead of acting on those feelings, I need to be feeling them. You know, I've found Buddha's statement in a relationship site I attend to all the time. Lower down in the comment section I found a comment by a lady and here is what she said, "Think I have the pattern of safety through abuse". Going in line with what Buddha said its letting me know that I'm using the abuse to keep me safe. Does that make sense? This is hard. I'll have to try to make things more clear. Acting like a doormat has kept me safe till now. Going back to what I was saying earlier about me being needy, I am needy about being safe.
Ok, I'm not going to explain that one further. It makes sense. What I need to do is figure out how to feel safe without abuse. OM Gosh, this is so hard. A compromised nervous system is locking me down. I can't convince myself that I'll be safe without the abuse. Scary. I should be finding this exciting and exhilarating. I think the key here is to lock in to my spirit of adventure. Austin Stevens has fear. I've seen his programs. He has said that the fear is worth the outcome.
I used to read stuff about not having a victim mentality. This is not for ACON's however I used to read them thinking I was the same as everyone else and I was unable to tap into that. I am a victim without emotional resources to back me up. All I have is knowledge and I'm learning the skills, but I don't have that from my formative years. I have to pick up on them now. But emotions run the show and I don't have those resources. I hope to someday grow stronger in this, as many ACON'S have. This is why I love Anna Valerious' blog. She is still available, but she is not blogging she has decided she has enough about talking about narcissists and she wants to go on with her life. I don't despise that, in fact I love it. Wow, recovery. This is good news for me, there is hope.