Thursday, November 26, 2015

It's So Screwed Up

TW got me to thinking on my last posting, I need to do a further examination on what is going on here regarding the SIL, and me.  Especia

lly me.  For this is about me, and blaming everyone around me is ending me up in trouble.

Well, first of all it hurts alot.  And I react badly when I am hurt.  Self-sabotage starts to happen.  And this is a very dangerous position for me to be in.

As much as I try to be all dignified and perfect, I know I can bring anyone down with the words that I use.  It was the way I was raised, I even feel like I raise eyebrows here on my blog.  That is the tendency to self-sabotage.

Now, I don't have grouchy moments for nothing.  I am quite pleasant, and people do like me.  I'm ok and loving and kind.  But when I get hurt, watch out.  Now, I don't know why that is.  I remember even when mother was abusing me, I would say nothing.  I can't figure out that part yet.

DH and I talked the other night about why we were fighting over his SIL.  "I did nothing to her", I told him.  I also told him that I deserved respect, but that part I know is not true, we don't get what we deserve, so we shouldn't expect it.

But he also told me, "No, you didn't do anything to her, but you said lots to me about it."  That is just terrible.  For why can't he even handle my authentic emotions?  I even asked him about that.  He said, "Well, you were doing a lot more than just expressing your emotions."  Now, that must be it, right there, the part where he feels I stepped out of line.

Now, I can't figure this whole thing out.  I was abandoned, when he went away to see them last summer.  I mean, WTF?

I remember the day he left to go on his trip.  He sat here a long time, and I was just being normal, I mean I wasn't doing anything wrong that day.  He sat here for the longest time, till I had to tell him that he had a long drive, why wasn't he leaving?  Could he have been waiting for me to get ready to join him?  The email left me out.  He did ask me to join him a couple of days prior to leaving.  Was he just expecting me to go?  Was he waiting for me?  What was going on?  He did not ask me to join him on the day of leaving, that I am sure of.  And we planned on going together, months before, that is until he got that email.

But just this past Sunday when they showed up at the door, I offered to serve them even.  To that, he called me a hypocrite.  What the heck does he expect me to do?

Bottom line is this.  I believe she sent that email and put it in his head that I was not going to join them on the trip.  A couple of days before the trip, she sent him another email that I was joining them. Then he asked me.  Now if that ain't a narc butt kisser, I don't know what is.

And I am not a narc pleaser, no way in hell I am.  They showed up at the door this weekend and I offered to serve them, and that seemed to cause a big rift.   Why?  Because I didn't join them on the trip when I was offered to at the last moment?  After being pushed aside?  Even asking if DH could join them on their walk?  Leaving me aside, ignoring me again?  And nothing was said to that.  But I am the bad guy?

My mother doesn't act this way.  She will include everyone.  Even my own SIL will include everyone.  The bullies in school did not ever include me.  The bullies would make me feel like I wasn't to join them, but be asked as a way of hiding their butts.  And no one protected me from that. As DH is not protecting me from this.

Here's the plan.  This is what I have got to do.  And it sucks.  I hate it.  I must pull my emotional resources together, and just treat him with unconditional love and respect.  Now when it comes to his SIL I will have to learn to understand that this is not going away.  I have to understand that.  And accept that.  I will no longer be calling her his booty call, or whore or tramp.  From now on, that will be out of my vocabulary.  I don't even like talking like that.  But I felt hurt, so that is how I retaliate, but that has got to change.

Yes, full authentic emotion is fine, when it is expressed in a safe atmosphere, I won't change that.  In fact, our spouses expect us to be open.  But here is the thing, and I hate this part.  I have to leave him with at least some room to take care of me.  That poses such a high risk that I am having a hard time with it.  Suppose he doesn't step up, and I have been left with no help?  I can easily be made the victim again.

High value vulnerability.  Just say it.  It is this priceless item, that I must exercise in order to have what I want.  I must show vulnerability and be totally ok with it.  When I get hurt, it is ok to show full authentic emotion.

Now, I'm going to tell you a secret.  We are to show full authentic emotion WITHOUT ANY BLAMING.  That is blaming of him.  He doesn't seem to mind me blaming his SIL, it is when he feels blamed things go badly.  But he wanted me to blame him for not being taken on the trip not her, so this part is kind of confusing. I know.

Showing full authentic emotion without blaming him, is hard.  It is very  hard.  I must focus on the deed that was done, not that I am blaming him for it.

I could say something like, "I was so hurt that day when I saw that email and felt so left out, that I highjacked the email and put it in my blog, so I could at least talk about it.  I didn't want to take it out on you.  I was so hurt."

I did something like that a while back, and it disarmed him.  We got to the point where we were arguing about it so much that he said, "I'm done talking about it."

Then I expressed my feelings.  I told him I felt bad, I felt sick..."  Well, basically just told him how I felt at present.and left everything else out.   It changed the dynamics of the whole evening, that I went and made that report on my relationship site, and everyone was fascinated by it.  It was a powerful moment, when all the bad stuff just "dissipated".  Also too, I felt better, for I got my feelings out in the right way.  I have said that before, stay in your own body, stay with your own feelings.  This works 100% of the time for me.

He is the type of guy where that if he does get angry, it is with good intentions.  I realize that now. I'm the ACON here, I'm the one with busted up emotions, he seems to have it all together.  But he can't deal with me in this way, I need to do what works.

I have never expressed to him fully what I really want.  Do I want him to not see his brother again? No, I don't want that.  I want for us to plan each and every outing we go on together.  I want to be considered.  So I am to just say that.  Just say it.  He doesn't know any better, he can't guess what I want, what my needs are, I have to express them.  When we were going together on that trip, before the email, I felt very forced to go, and he just expected me to go.  Something fell apart at that point.

But I am to say it when all my emotions are intact, and I can do it authentically, not as a way of retaliating, for that is the part that gets screwed up.  But fully and authentically, when I have my power back.  And not as a way of keeping him away from his family, I know that was never my intention, but he feels that way.  Now, if he feels that way from anything I am doing, I am to do something about that.

So I am to express fully how I feel about that email.  I am ashamed to say that I never done that. Should he just guess over my ranting what my feelings are?  And express how I would love for us to plan our vacation together from now on.  And just leave it at that.  You know, maybe nothing will come of it, and things might just keep going as they are going on, and that would be terrible.  But what is that?  That is fear.  I am fearful that if I be that vulnerable I would get stomped on.  Maybe I would be, there are no guarantees.  All I know is that he responds to actual vulnerability each and every time.  That if he is not, that is because there is something closed up, and I am not expressing fully.

A couple of weeks ago, he opened up facebook and my daughter had a picture of a kid crying like crazy.  He looked over at me and said, "That's Joanie."

What an asshole.  A jerk, a..... .  What was his intention?  To make me feel bad?  To tease me?  What was his intention.  This could have been him just being adorable and endearing but I would never see that.

All I can see are bad intentions.  For an ACON this is good, right?  That's not bad, its just the retaliation part that bad.  How I take it out on him, when his intention wasn't that.

Do I feel like he is putting his SIL's feelings before mine?  Darn right I do.  Even if I serve them, I am the hypocrite, and she looks like gold every friggin time.  He even accused me of being manipulative, and I would never be that.  I wouldn't even know the first thing about being manipulative.  I wasn't forcing him, I was just expressing, but he thinks I take it too far.

I don't know what to do.  Sometimes it feels like I'm running on empty, and I have to tell him what I feel and what I want in full authentic emotion and I would much rather take a frying pan to his head.

I'm really angry because of all the risks I have to take on getting hurt.  I am expected to trust.  Yes, he has proven to me that he responds to vulnerability, but I still feel scared.  But I also know that I will have a long trail to follow back before my vulnerability to mean a thing to him at this point.  He doesn't trust me.

Omg, why do I have to be the one to do the work to fix this?  Why me?  It is his own SIL, not mine, I didn't do anything wrong here, nothing.  I was mouthy, is all.

I get the feeling some people might be thinking that I am taking my past out on him.  But what about the email?  

Funny, how life does let us start again, but with the resources we have left intact from previous experiences.  If I want to be innocent in all this, then I must take responsibility for my own feelings. Every feeling must be expressed, all the way back, just to myself.

Yes, I am angry at mother.  She made me what I am.  Bullies in school, made me feel left out all the time.  I am hypersensitive to everyone judging me and leaving me out of things.  DH doesn't know that.  How could he?  No one treats him like that.  No one ever does.

Here's what I must do.  Feel all my feelings, going way back.  I thought I did that.  And I am doing that, but I won't live long enough to fully do that.  I don't feel like I will anyway.  But that is just an illusion.  We do get over things, I know that.  We do get past and we are able to move on.  Or do I just take my past experiences and make them a part of my life now.

Funny, how nothing is ever logical is it?  I can logically say that that crap from my past doesn't matter.  My first ex-husband used to leave me alone at home with small children so he could go out and party.  How does that feel?  I want to harass him on facebook over it.  He won't even remember, for I never told him about it.  So now, more than 20 years later I want him to suffer.

Things are getting so screwed up right now with writing this, that I can't even imagine what this looks like.

Just take the veneer of pain off and look at it logically.  How would I have felt about that email, if I was never hurt.  Shocked still?  I think I would have just thought she was stupid.  But mean and spiteful?  I mustn't ever forget that being an ACON gives me much more knowledge about narcissism than the others.  Plus too, I did feel horrible the last time I was there from her treatment.  That would have been valid.

Suppose as ACON's we know make people responsible for their behaviour.  She is a narc.  She has shown too many red flags not to be.  I see it.  I feel it way down.  I also sense some kind of game is afoot with me, for she has managed to make me out to be the bad guy in all this.

But how much was my responsibility?  How much?  I didn't go on that camping trip last summer, because I was plain out dis invited.  And DH doesn't get to play with me, and invite me at the last minute.  Was I protecting myself?  And not allowing my vulnerability to show?  What would vulnerability have given me in this case?

Never mind.  Who knows?  What played out was the result of me not expressing myself fully at any given time in our relationship.  Does fear rule me that much?  It did, but then I got tangled in the results of my fear, so badly that nothing makes sense anymore.

I have about nine months until next summer.  During that time I am to express to him that I want us to plan vacations together.  And if he says something like, "Well, I would rather we just go there."  I am to say, "Well, that is how I feel is all, and I don't like it any other way."  Just that.  And leave it.  If he is to say something along the lines how I just don't want to go because of SIL, I am to just say that maybe, but more that I would like us to do things together, and plan together.  If he goes on some kind of tirade, I am to understand that I am still having to deal with the past, and just keep on the road that I am on.

I will have my say.  About that email, about everything.  Eventually, it will all come out.  This is a faith thing, sort of, it can't be bought, it can only be earned.  I have to earn that right.  Heck if I do that he might even say that he was in the wrong about the trip without me even having to do much of anything.

That is a goal, that is a dream, a far off fantasy for someone like me.  It has never happened, I have never been treated like that.  And there are no guarantees that if I do everything right that it will work out that way.  To the engulfed daughter, there are no guarantees in life.  To the girl who stayed home all the time, and by mother's side, there are no guarantees in life.  And there is no protection from getting hurt.

But you will be fine.  You will survive regardless.

We enjoy being hurt sometimes.  We enjoy the feeling of someone doing us wrong.  There I said it.

But why?  It puts me in a place of justification.  It justifies me.  Makes me feel safe.  I don't let my vulnerabilities show, and he doesn't completely understand that I'm hurting, only sees that I am enjoying it.  Maybe.  But then I am only enjoying that feeling instead of feeling loved.  Which I authentically want, but I want is so bad, that I take it any way I can.  And the bad way is the easiest.

And come to think of it, it wasn't the email that bothered me so much.  It was him not wanting me to go, which I felt was because of the email.  But he said it was because of the way I acted 3 or 4 years ago when I did go.  But he ignored me, didn't pay any attention to me then.  But it was easy for me to feel that way, I was so scarred up.

So, I'm going to let this go for now.  It gets too screwed up the more I try to talk about it.  I'm just going to do what I said what I am going to do.  Face fear, be vulnerable, be authentic.

Sunday, November 22, 2015

Hold Your Head Up High

I thought I would never write about this again.  In fact, I hate writing about the SIL.  Yep, her again. Its not like I go looking for trouble.  Oh gee, I'm so glad I have a blog I can write in, this is hard to keep track.  I wrote about her in late August, the fact that DH went on a holiday to see his brother and SIL and I wasn't invited to.  Something new happened again, and I swear I don't go looking for trouble.

I was just getting back from church.  I saw her on the step coming in.  It looked like she was waiting for me to come in too, I don't know.  She waited for a bit then went in.  We weren't expecting them, I thought that DH went and visited them at his parent's a few days ago.  I thought that since they live so far away, that would be the last I would hear of them for awhile.  I thought I was off the hook.

I must have sat in the truck for the longest time.  I had to think, I had to pray, I had to get my panic in check.  Then I went into the house.  I was very cordial, even offering coffee and lunch which they declined.  Ok, then I made myself a sandwich and went and joined them in the livingroom.  She never looked at me, never talked to me, I talked mainly to the brother.  It was just casual chitchat.

They wanted to go for a walk, and she invited my DH to go with them.  In fact, she stood up and looked up in his face and asked him to join them.  I sat totally speechless, and shocked, she would so blatantly leave me out again.  I thought narcs were smarter than that.  But something else was going on here.

I was hiding.  I was playing stupid.  I think it might be my only protection.  I know I am a target now, and I don't know what would happen if she found out that I'm aware.  So, I just acted stupid.  Well, not really stupid, I can't call it stupid, no ACON is stupid, I just don't know what else to call it.

She doesn't know that she can't snow me anymore.  It's funny.  I got the feeling that if she knew I'm aware she might get more covert and harder for me to track.  Or more dangerous.  Except I might have screwed that one up. lol

I didn't protest the lack of invite.  I suppose back in the day, I would have been physically upset, allowing the hurt parts to show, and the narc would have had a nice source of supply.  So I should have showed I was upset.  Maybe.

I don't know.  Maybe she might know I'm aware.  I just want to stall it for as long as I can.  No sense in giving her the satisfaction.  Mother's words.  Mother taught me, "Don't give them the satisfaction." she used to say this when she was trying to bring down someone and she couldn't so she would play down and say that.  It allowed mother to be the martyr, and for mother, that was as good as supply as anything.

So hubby declined the walk.  When they left for the walk, I went upstairs to my sewing room, and proceeded to work there.  He came upstairs and bugged me and wouldn't leave me alone.  He was being all affectionate.  This means that he was trying to get me out of this state of mind.  He knows how I feel.  Unfortunately, I didn't keep my moods to myself last summer.

When they got back, I stayed in my sewing room.  Shortly after they left.  It doesn't appear that they enjoyed the visit.  I was cordial and nice, I don't know what happened.  Out of curiosity, I asked him what they were discussing.  He told me that they were trying to synchronize their holidays.  Oh, and he is asking me to join him this time!  Oh boy.  I guess I should be grateful.

No.  I am not going on that holiday to spend a week with the freakshow.  I am done with that.  I didn't tell him though.  I don't think I have to do anything.  I just get the feeling she will do something to screw it up, and she will be the one to make sure I don't go.  But I get the feeling that DH felt bad. He noticed my lack of an invite to go for a walk with them, but he was invited.  He noticed that. When she asked him, he just sat down and turned away from her and said no.  That it is cold outside. Perhaps he is a little scared of a narc?  Saying no to them, does anyone ever do that?

I'm just not interested in getting her stirred up.  The narcissist is a conscienceless, soulless being.  As much as I would like to take a revenge plot, I have to live in reality.  This is God's business, not mine. I believe that they are God's enemies, not mine, and since I love Him, his enemies come after me, is all.

And they don't play fair.  Sooner or later, they will win because of that lack of a conscience, which is what would stop me.  Even today, I noticed that when I looked at her and smiled, and she made a slight grin and turned away from me.  There is nothing in there.

I was very high value, only retreating to my sewing room when they went on the walk.  I offered to serve them even.  I hope this isn't the same as casting pearls before swine, but I was trying my best to be myself.  And I will always be myself, even if a narc is in the room, they won't sway me.   I know, I wanted to go no contact and just leave, but it wouldn't have looked good on me.

So, I did my best to be the robot, no emotions.  I believe I succeeded in doing that, plus trying to make sure that she didn't figure out I was aware.

Yes, I felt hurt, angry, outraged even.  That's why I sew and it gives me an outlet.  This SIL doesn't stop.  It feels horrible she is such a *****.   It feels terrible that DH is such a narc lover, butt kisser whatever you want to call it.  I still don't know how he managed to see her boobs.  He never told me. I one time spent a night in a small trailer with a few men, (long story about an emergency I was in) and they didn't see anything.  And also I know my mother would make sure she was on display.

But next summer is a long way off, and I have lots of relationship stuff to practice and, well, I have some new information on that.  I'll be making that report soon.  Just been too tired to write.  I have lots to write about but the cold weather is making me lazy.  I couldn't keep this new information about the SIL to myself.

In one way, I think she might be a very stupid person, who just keeps making these mistakes and doesn't mean it.  Isn't that crazy?

Tuesday, November 10, 2015

Living Outside of Abuse

This might come across as a little like a rant.  I've been doing some reading.  And I'm not blaming anyone, but I feel like some of the abuse information comes across as confusing as heck, even the stuff from abuse sites.  Maybe it is just my perception, but I want to clear up a few things.

I mean I don't get it.  Its a little to blase for my needs, I'm always needing more, and I feel like they throw out this information, then its nah, nah, sucks to be you, you don't get it ha ha.  And it hurts.  I don't come with the skill, the know how here, and this sucks.  Its too clinical, you know, disconnected.

Look, the first thing I need when I'm countering a problem in my relationship is, well, I need to get out of pain.  I need that addressed first before anything else.  Help me, I don't care about him, He might be the biggest douchebag around but to be serious, this is all about me, not him.  Telling me that he is wrong, that he is abusive, well, it doesn't help me.

Abuse is what it is.  I doubt that any woman has a hard time recognizing it.  We may have come from abusive backgrounds, but even me, I was well aware I was in abusive situations.  I was also well aware that I had neither the skills or the knowledge to handle a regular relationship problem.  I could never find the answers, until now.  You see the problem isn't in that other person.

Now I struggle with my emotional resources, if you been reading here, you know that, I can tear through anything, throw a good fit, cross boundaries.  Its because I feel scared, hurt, and I can use anger.  Its not the authentic me, I'm just hurt.  I need help with that.

I am a survivalist.  My mother only wanted me to die.  She took away any and all freedom from me. She emotionally molested me, and here I sit unable to function, but I do have my relationship site, I thank God every day for that.  The presence, the connection is unlike anything I've ever seen.

How about telling me that I am not to blame?  Hmm, that none of this is my fault.  Not that I am saying anyone is blaming me, but that is what it feels like when I venture into some sites. That whoever is writing it has it all figured out and I am a dumbass.

Take for instance, recognizing the signs of abuse, well, I have no trouble with what that is.  Nah, nah, kid stuff, I never did.  But I stayed with him anyway, does that make any sense?  Figure that one out for me instead. Please explain that one to me without blaming without making me feel bad, and without telling me that it is my fault.  Without even hinting that it is my fault.  I am hardwired to believe everything is my fault.  I needed someone to overcome that.

I've been in a few abusive relationships.  Is any of that my fault?  No, it isn't.  A lot of it is caused by not having the emotional resources.  Look, if I was born with no legs, is that my fault?  No.  If someone cut off my legs at the time I was a baby, is that my fault?  No it isn't.  But I can't walk, I can't understand how I am supposed to walk.  And everyone is expecting me to walk.

So what are emotional resources?  Its hard to explain.  This is what the narcissist is after.  The narcissist seeks out to destroy these things.  But you can't have a relationship without it.  That other person you are with is not responsible for my personal emotional resources.  How do we cultivate it? How do we become more resourceful?  These are things I need.  I still struggle with them, and when I struggle with them, I tend to bring out the worst in him.  And I don't blame him in particular, for I have seen how men run from me when I am like that.  It is not a comfortable place for me to be in when I have no idea why.  So what are the personal emotional resources?

It is a very terrifying place for me to be in when you tell me that I can't be with this man, because he is abusive and I know I can't be with a good man for they run from me.  And telling me how to recognize what a good man looks like, doesn't help me either.  It is still the same, I can't reach someone like that.  It feels horrible and it feels like it is being rubbed in my face, that I am a terrible person.  And that is not even true.  It is not the fact that I can't recognize a good man, I can, I just can't have him.  So I'll settle for what I am used to.  You've just taken away something that I can have, and not replaced it with something else.

It is a hard hit to take to find out that I was the problem, but not my fault, and it isn't about a particular man abusing me, who cares right?  I want everything to be stable in my life.  I am not a chaos junkie.  Omg, who said that?  I read that somewhere.

The survivalist forms a very distinct pattern system in order to cope with the uncopeable.  And its not like we don't try, you see we seek out approval.  We have no other way of understanding how to live with another person.  Approval is this resource we seek and that is where we get caught.  So that is a place to start.  It is very easy to stop seeking approval, it really is.  And I have not read that yet.

I have been taught at my relationship site some very good methods about how to not seek approval, this is not something you just tell someone to stop doing it, when they spent a lifetime in this coping mechanism.  I didn't know what it meant to stop seeking approval.  But now I know.  I believe I have that one covered.  And that is why I don't think I can ever be abused again.

It doesn't matter what he is doing, who cares right?  If I am not seeking approval, what can he do?  If he is an abuser, he is done for.  Regardless, it brings out the best in him, I have seen it.  I've seen my current guy, he treats everyone well, but when it comes to me, he did not, what was up with that?  Is there a reason?  This was a problem I addressed a long time ago.  We overcame a lot, we still have more to go, for I was settled as an abused woman, and nothing would change unless I changed it.  It was so simple really.  Everything seems so hard, but when I gained the skills, it was easy.

Of course it was his issue to act that way, and to tell the truth I don't know why he stayed with me and acted that way, but it has stopped.  And that is all I wanted.  At the time it was all I wanted, now I am wanting more.

I'm part of a relationship site online, and many of us women there are struggling in relationships.  At least a couple have been sexually abused.  We do have our leader, we don't advise eachother.  It all starts with an intense look at the self.  Its all about authenticity.  We don't play games in relationships, its all about truth and honesty.  All this leaves out the abusive man.

The best part, and I love this part, it helped me grow up, was that is bases a lot on our emotions.  Oh yes, that wonderful part of me that has been molested, comes alive for the first time in my life.  When I learned that real truth is the emotional side of things, I didn't worry about what the other person was doing anymore.  I don't change this to suit him, when he gets where he feels like he doesn't trust me, I just press harder into my core.  Its wonderful, so amazing, it was the world of difference.  If we split up tomorrow, I know how to get the good men, I will no longer ever have to be with an abuser, just so that I can have somebody.  I can settle into my true self, you know that person that God created, that no one like me exists, I am unique.

And all this requires facing fear.  Yes, I know.  But it is healthy to do this.  Expressing my emotions is healthy, facing fear, the right way is healthy, regardless of the way he is acting.  Regardless of anything, I have to face fear, and it is a challenge.  I worry that I won't be accepted, but then I just keep pressing on into my core.  No matter if he is angry, doesn't matter.  Just be myself.  Mostly, a lot of fear is based in not being enough, but guess what?  I am enough.

I am enough that I don't need to please anyone.  That my presence in a room is a pleasure for anyone, as long as I have stabilized my emotional resources.  And that is the backbone, the ABC's of life.

I remember when reading at some of the sites about proper communication.  I might not ever get this one.  My brain works where I'm so scared that any confrontational fight screws me over.  Lots of things I am personally not capable of doing.  I can't get into a combative stance with a man, not ever. I will be crushed.  I have accepted the fact that I will probably always be like that.  But, thank God, I won't ever have to.  Never.  It was never necessary.  I can say that I would have no relationship if I didn't find this group.  I've shared a lot of what I learned there.

I also feel that he can't have a temper, and he needs to be all sweet and soft.  Or that he needs to be thoughtful at all times.  That is what I've been reading.  Is that true?  I don't know.  That's what it feels like they've been telling me.  That he can't be gruff, that is an abuser.  I'm very confused about that one.  My guy is gruff.  If I were to tell you that, you would probably think he is an abuser.  So I am supposed to tell you that he is not gruff, that he is always perpetually soft, sweet, and kind.  So what do I do about that?  That one I truly don't understand.  Maybe that he is supposed to be always sweet and kind to me?  I don't know.

Sometimes when I read that he should be acting this way, he should be saying this thing.... sucks the life right out of me.  I can't make him act a certain way.  I can't.  Look its complicated, and our problems aren't that simple.  He has a temper, but he is not abusive, and listen, my guy manages a whole group of men in a very masculine environment.  Sometimes when he comes home, he forgets what environment he is in, and I feel that I need to understand that.  Its not easy.

I should be making every effort to understand him, but not to change him.  Change happens in me, and by doing that, I reinforce my stability.  That way I feel better, I am in control then, and I'm happy.

I just need to be that woman that no one abuses.  Just as simple as that.  Is it really that simple?  Well, I think it is, once the skills are learned and put into place, this is the easiest thing in the world to do.

My current problems in my relationship are not abuse related.  I'm delving into new territory here. There was this whole mess that happened last summer, over his SIL, that still has to be dealt with.  I wasn't letting it go, I was just learning some skills.

You see, this whole life is hard.  And I can't be blamed for it, but I still have to deal with it.

You see that whole mess that happened last summer over his disgusting SIL is related to my prior abuse situations.  I connected some things badly.  I am ashamed to say it, publicly.  A lot of it was related to me, my perceptions, my old way of dealing with things.  I was faced with another narcissist, and I handled it badly, throwing things out that I learned, and going back to my old ways. I know I am not making sense here, but I'll get into it soon.  Not that I don't want to, just that only some of the progress was made here, I want a full report.  But I'll carry on, carry on.

Sunday, November 8, 2015

"Watch, watch"

I made a very interesting observation about my self the other day, and I want to share it.  I was having to walk through a wooded area, where tripping was a very distinct possibility, for I trip more than normal people.  I have fallen down a whole lot in my life, and it seems that my mind tends to go blank every now and again.

When I was walking through the woods, I could feel this fear, this panic overwhelm me.  I could hear this voice saying, "Watch, watch, watch."  Of course no one was there saying that, but this I could actually feel.  As much as I resented the voice, it felt like I was going to fall down directly on my face, for I hadn't heeded the wonderful "advice".

But there was something different about that voice.  I tended to hear that voice over and over again through my life, right from my childhood, into my adulthood even, and it was always telling me what to do.

You see, sigh, I having a hard time just going with my emotions here.  I was born believing that I was defunct, screwed up, and mother's parenting was to teach me, to take over, for I was actually born a horrible person.  Now I know we all have a sin nature, something I have as well, but I actually grew up believing there was something that was so horrible about me, its hard to explain.  I was born believing that I was not ever to trust myself.

Now I don't know how this lines up with Christianity.  I get so screwed up there as well.  I have one theory though.  Even though the others are taught to trust God and not themselves, they still have to have a basis in who they are in order to do that.  We come to God as a big nothing, yes, be we still have to have an awareness of who we are, an essence of it.

I know I am not explaining this one very well.  These feelings have no words, I just never felt like I was anything, not even anything worth Jesus dying for, you see what I mean?  I accepted his salvation promise, but am I even worthy of it?  Of course Christianity teaches that we are not worthy, but does it actually teach that we are worms, for I always felt that way, like I was less than a worm. For that worm crawling about has a whole life purpose, a mission, its important to make those holes, to aerate the ground, so plants can grow.  But I had no purpose.

Small fleeting parts of me did exist though.  But I had challenges to overcome that I know now in my awakened state, that no one else had.  It is impossible.  I was given a life that was impossible.  Even facing all this right now, is impossible.  The deep pain, oh why did God give me this?  I still look for the hand of God in all this.  All I know is that he is not overwrought like I am, he gets it all, I do not.

I don't want to have to face this pain.  Why should I?  I almost feel like at times I'm buried alive.  I'm scared of things, I'm scared of life.  I have hateful messages going through my brain.  I am massively angry.  This anger I can't bear at times.  How the hell did I end up here?  No one has felt the way I did.  Not the Jews with the crap they went through, for unless they didn't come from loving families, I would be grateful to exchange places with them.  I know it sounds horrible for me to say this and I risk getting the belt for that one, but that is what I actually feel.  This is not intended to hurt anyone. She stole my identity, my life, and its hard to get through.  For being an engulfed daughter I feel like I am entitled to say what ever I want to.  And even the entitlement I feel awful about.  I take certain liberties because I can, I'm allowed, you have not lived what I lived, you go back to your sweet little mind, you have not lived in a horror story.

I know I am not supposed to believe that I am to face all this alone.  God said that He would always be with me.  But I don't know how he can, he is so Holy, he can't even go near sin, it burns in His presence, and that is what I am, a product of sin.  Even reaching forth and accepting Jesus, and it feels like at times Jesus would turn his back on me.  This is too horrible to comprehend.

I don't know why I got on that God track.  I'm not blaming Him.  I just feel so different, you know, that part of me thinks God is horrified at me, but in another way, I know he is not surprised.  So I struggle with that.

It was strange.  I sat in many therapists offices, and they could not tell me what was wrong.  They would even get to the point where they think I'm normal, and start just talking to me like normal.  I hated that, for I knew then that I wasn't going to get any help.  And the thing that plagued me felt like it was just in my mind.

Struggle, struggle, that's the way to go through life.  Have you ever felt that you just don't want to get out of bed, where you are going to work and you have to struggle again, that everyone bullies you, and they are kind to everyone else.

When I found out about narcissism, it was someone played this huge joke on me.  For sure, I would have been able to lay out come up with a plan of recovery on my own, and I would love to have had to do this at a much younger age.

I am a little curious about narcissism.  Trouble is, there is no proper explanation, it doesn't exist. Hateful, horrible people, some have been my best friends.  I, oh my Gosh, I can't even take this, my whole life I've been conned.  And I lay buried alive, but I'm not supposed to believe that I was buried alive.

So now, getting back to this "watch, watch."  Was I not supposed to believe that is what a loving parent does?  Yes, they do, but there was something else, some other message, that made me believe that I was just garbage.  That I was no good, that I was born no good.

Even my last ex-husband used to do this to me.  "Watch, watch."  When we were in the Walmart, he was always on my back about bumping into people, that I was offensive, watch what I say, do this, don't do that.  Omgosh, how did he even know that mother used to do the same thing to me?  How did he know?  And he just followed suit and did the same thing that she did.

Now here's the horror.  I was supposed to just tell the whole lot of them to f*** off.  That I was not doing anything wrong, that I was not bumping into people, but I was bumping into people because of the constant badgering.

This is why it takes me so long to shop.  I have to watch carefully, its hard.  My current hubby, has this hard time with me.  He doesn't say "watch, watch."  but what he does say is that he wants to go now.  Why does he not say, "watch, watch."  Does he not care about me?  Does he not worry that I'll be bumping into others?  Why does he not tell me how to talk?  Does he not care enough to?

He feels colder a little more removed that I'm used to.  I always feel like I could get killed in an accident and he'll just go on with life.  I feel like he doesn't care.  I feel like if I was to shake him up in a blender he would come out the exact same as he is now.  If I explain things to him, he doesn't get it, he's stupid.

Well, I think I covered a lot here.  I think this is my most favorite posting.  Gotta press the publish button, I'm afraid of the comments, so please be kind.

Saturday, November 7, 2015

Meds are Not for Me

A few months ago I banged my thumb up pretty good.  It was sore for quite a while.  Then just, again, I banged up the other thumb.  Both my thumbs are not doing well, I probably am one person who can do without thumbs.  I'm going to have a doctor amputate both my thumbs.  Imagine that, no thumbs to hurt me anymore.  Makes sense right?  Am I making sense?  Even all my fingers and toes, they end up in places they shouldn't be in, they get hurt easily, I can't bear them anymore.

I remember some medication I was on for anxiety.  The psychiatrist told me they are the best on the market.  I was excited to try them out.  After all, I thought I would be cured, all my fear would be gone.  And that was all I wanted to live was a normal life.

I started the pills.  I started to have worse anxiety, I think the panic rose up in me and I actually felt sick.  I was super paranoid.  I imagined worse case scenarios that I never imagined before.  I took myself off, I spoke to the doctor, and he told me that some people can't handle that particular drug. He said its the best thing that's going right now, what went wrong?

I think it worked too good.  I mean, it did exactly what it was meant for.  Only that, oh boy, this is complicated, but I'll try to explain.  I have a theory.

There is an emotional balance in life.  I mean really, we live by our emotions, and logic is just a small part.  We can't make sense of things we just do them.  I have spoken to many therapists, and I felt like I was doing something wrong.  Why was nothing working?  Was there anyone who can help?  I was diagnosed with nothing but the PTSD.  So was I in a horrible war somewhere, that I knew nothing about?

Unfortunately, emotion does trigger anxiety does it not?  I mean, why not just get rid of it?  Those feelings, that's so deeply hard wired, thousands of years of hard wiring put into place.  I have a couple of theories too.  I did my reading.  It seems like the serotonin levels in the brain must be maintained, I get that, but it is not always supposed to keep running.  We are to go through periods of sadness, grief, intensity, and not try to solve it by taking pills.  Since serotonin is the happy hormone, we are not always supposed to have it.  It bounces around, sometimes we have it sometimes we do not, and if you are critically low on it, then you might need some, you might.  But I have confidence the body can make its own when the time is right.  Its just that some things can't be processed in the happy state.

But when I research anxiety, it is actually necessary.  Since I had to live with horror, of course I was in a panic state all the time, of course.  The pills eliminated that, but the fear was still there, and I felt terrified.  I might have even been suicidal, for I felt like the horror was still going on and I had no way to run from it, my fight or flight was gone.  I felt like I was going to die.  Yes, the pills did their job for sure.  But it was not what I needed.

I found some information that actually rid me of the sore.  It helped to know that it wasn't that pain is my problem, it is the process of resisting pain that was my problem.  And the answer to my anxiety was through my anxiety.  I had to embrace it.  Fear took over.  I mean how was I going to be able to do this?  Maybe there are some horrible monsters that I haven't even looked at and I didn't want to see, thus the anxiety.  Or even, that giving up the resistance to pain, the fear of that, is the reality.  Resistance to anything has a regular process,   We can change our direction at any time.  Just a little further journey to go back is all.

As with anything, and I extrapolated this information, but I am to accept the fact that it wasn't even anxiety that would be my problem, it was just trying to tell me something was wrong.  So what did I do instead?  I medicated the anxiety, to get rid of it, and things turned out worse.

It wasn't the new meds that were the problem.  I'm sure they were the super drugs that the doctor prescribed, he was trying to remove my anxiety, and I think he was trying to do his best.  But the anxiety was actually a gift that I didn't want.  It caused me too much trouble.  At least I thought so.

So in eliminating anxiety, what happened was that some part of my brain had to kick into overdrive to compensate for the loss.  I don't know exactly, something went on that made me horribly sick.  I thought I was in a dense fog screaming.  It was like a bear was coming after me, so someone just tied me up and blindfolded me so I won't see the bear.

I decided to kick drugs from then on.  I don't know what happened.  I started to pray, and a door opened up.  Suppose I am to embrace the anxiety?  You see anxiety wasn't the problem, it was the pain of trying to eliminate it was the problem.  For the first time I came alive.

I'm not saying that coming off the pills was a picnic, and there was anxiety and I just gave it a big hug.  No, well not really.  You see, I was trying to hide from it for so long, it screaming at me, that I just wanted it to go away.  Now it was a stranger to me.  But I can tell you from experience, the horrible feeling that always came over me was not the anxiety itself.  It was the process of resisting it. Once I got through that process, it wasn't so much of a pain anymore.  It was a part of me, and now it still is, but not as sore as it once was.

For inspiration, I look to my 3 year old granddaughter.  This child cries at the drop of a hat and smiles and laughs the same way too.  Is she in any pain over it?  I don't think so.  When she wants to cry, there is no process, she just does it.  Is she in pain when she is crying?  I don't think so, I think she is being relieved.  Is there anywhere she feels pain?  Probably, at some point, but I don't think she resists the process so much that she notices.

I think the psychology culture are making some horrible mistakes.  I thought amputation over the source of a little injury went out a long time ago.  But they are still doing it.  And even with depression.  I believe that the answer to depression is through the depression, not getting rid of it.  Its like its this tool or this gift, and we can't even recognize.  You can't live your entire life on serotonin, you need pain, even for survival, its a gift trying to tell you something is wrong.

You see, even in dating (yes I'm using that example again) and the woman just falls for this terrible guy.  He doesn't treat her well, and she feels it all over her body but she stays with him just to avoid the pain of breaking up.  It is a pain, no doubt, but it is through the pain that she will find her freedom.  If she avoids the pain, well, that means she never leaves him.

We can't ever forsake pain it has a lesson to teach us.

And even for addiction, I still believe its just another way of resisting pain.

Resist pain long enough then you'll still have the pain, but it dulls to this lingering feeling that you can't even pinpoint or remember why you have it.  So many people go through this for years, a lifetime, lingering pain, its still trying to talk to you, but its giving up.  Will it ever give up?  Maybe not, that is why some people are drugged for a lifetime.

These are only my opinions of course, and I don't do counselling.  But its a terrible shame that maybe this is a possibility that if we surrender to pain, instead of resisting it, we can overcome challenges, and be for real for real truly happy.