Wednesday, March 16, 2016

Feelings over My Living Brother

My attempt at being Austin Stevens.
Its been a month or so since mother's death.  I don't remember anymore the date, I probably wrote it down here somewhere when it happened.  Not a single tear have I shed over it.  Not a party either, the day went by like any other day.  If I had to pick up milk, I picked up milk, if it was quilting day, I would have went to the group.  If it was time to do the laundry, I did the laundry.  I don't remember. It was just another day.

I'm wondering if my behaviour has appeared like I'm cold to the people on the outside here.  They brought it up briefly, then, it was gone, back to life.  It was not like I was having trouble coping, it was very normal.  I had no remorse.  I worry about my coldness at times, and I am needing to write about it.

The truth is, I don't even care.  I have not contacted my sister for the family pictures, my aunt has not called me about mother's life insurance, she assured me she will, so I'm not worried.  I do kinda worry that they have taken all the money, but too afraid to talk about it with them.

I told my husband this morning that I was scared of seeing my sister for the pictures, for I basically told her to "get lost" the last time I saw her.  He said that I did, and that I told my brother the same thing basically.

His mother's birthday was this week.  I made her a quilted tote bag, and we needed to bring it to her. We stopped at the store for a gift bag and a card.  I asked him to pick out a card and he picked out one that said, "From both of us."  I told him, "No, that is for two friends who get together and decide to gift someone."  Then he  smiled and picked up this beautiful card with roses on it, and more just a regular birthday card from one person or more.   I have to say that filling out the card was a very difficult thing.  When we got back to the truck, I opened the packaging of the card and got a pen and asked him to fill it out.  He told me to fill it out.  I asked him, "What do I say?"  He said to just put our names on it.  So I did.

When we got to her place, she was pleased by the quilting and the outside of the card and gave me a big hug.  I could feel my shoulders slump backwards.  She opened the card and spent a long time reading it, and I just needed her to put it down.  Then her brother called, and they spent a couple of minutes talking then proceeded with our visit.

At this point I remembered me telling my brother to get lost when he called me at the time of mother's death.  Then I just went on with what I was doing.  So yeah, I yelled at my brother then put the phone down and went on with normal things.  I think I was doing the laundry.  This is not outside of the notice of my husband who just sat there.  I could see his body shake a bit when I told my brother to get lost.  Then I witness what he is actually used to, his own elderly mother having a peaceful conversation with her brother.

Why does this look so weird to me.  An actual conversation with a family member but to him, this is normal and vice versa.  And why can't people just talk to eachother and give eachother gifts, why this hateful card thing?

I cried over my utter coldness, not over mother or my family.  But over my ability to even feel a thing about it.  I cried and prayed out loud to God to please help me.  I don't know what was going on with me.  Then with all things, I decided to wait.

We had our food bank meeting last night.  You know that malignant narcissist I told you about before that volunteers there?  Well, she decided to be very generous, and since we have a few money vouchers left, we should give them out first come first serve.  For Easter.  I told you of how I'm just letting my emotions take over and just learn to feel?  Well, I did it.  I don't know what happened.  This sound came out of my mouth and it said, "That sounds just horrible."  Without even thinking.  I don't know if I said the right thing.  Then others piped up and said it was wrong, "Either we give everyone one or no one."  I'm not even sure if it was from anything I said though, it was a purely emotional response from me, and my brain was shut off.  I wanted to just go with my emotions.  But everyone on our list is going to get a voucher for Easter.  And when I sat back and decided to think about it, this "first come, first serve" would have been horrible.  I can imagine the cut off point could be between two people who are friends who arrived together.  Or the most resourceful people would get the vouchers only, or the list goes on.  This would have been HORRIBLE.  As someone who has had to beg and fight for scraps my whole life, I knew this would be horrible.  Oh, no, no, no.  We have the money to give everyone a voucher, why would she even think of something like that.

I work continually on my emotions.  I don't know why I just can't stand my living brother.  Then it hit me suddenly.  He once hit me so hard in the face that I saw white stars.  This was normal in our family, but this one specific memory, I am keyed into right now.  I don't even remember my son hitting any of his sisters passed the age of ten.  He annoyed them completely, but everything was and is done in a state of complete acceptance and equality, even if they are mad at eachother.

I'll tell you what I mean.  I remember my brother hitting me and seeing the stars, but I remember more, the look on his face.  My last therapist taught me to explain a look instead of reacting to the fear of it.  He would half close his eyes.  then he would press them almost shut.  With his teeth clenched and his cheeks relaxed, no smile, no frown, nothing.  He said I was just a fucking bitch. Then he hit.  I bounced back, and I felt the room disappear, then I remember the screaming.  It was me screaming, trying to stay awake and ALIVE.  I was too scared to pass out, I fought myself conscience.  It seemed like everyone was in the room including my mother.  I remembered the argument at first, then she just turned her back and said she didn't want anything to do with it.  She said she tries too hard and if we can't get along it is not her fault.  Then I saw her smile?  I did see her smile and smirk.  Even after the hitting, while she was busy giving him a little shit over it, she was smirking.  She told him, "That's enough" with the freakiest look on her face.  But her eyes wide and staring down at me, sucking up the supply, it was like pure milk chocolate.

Do you want to know how the argument started?  I'll tell you.  His girlfriend went into my drawer and took and wore my sweater home.  I wanted it back.  This was the only sweater I had ever chosen for myself.  I don't know how I got to choose it for myself.  But I think it was because mother took me to a store to buy it and try it on.  It was not from the catalogue.  With salespeople watching, I got to choose the sweater.  It was funny mother never made me return it, guess she was just too lazy, and I hid the fact I loved the sweater.  I loved that sweater and never saw it again.  I tried to fight for it, but I couldn't.

So brother's girlfriend took and wore the sweater home.  I was angry.  I expressed that to him.  That's when the squinty eyes started and well, the rest of the story.  There was no equality between us.  Any time I got hit after that by a man, it was like I was set up for it by my brother.  Stupid brother.  His wife rules the roost, and he has yet to put on his big boy panties, and I can't figure that one out and I won't.

I was 15.  He was either 19 or 20, and well over the age of consent.  Well above the age of "knowing better".  I don't care about the triangulation.  I don't care about anything else.  In my emotions, it is placed where this "man" sits.  There is nothing that can be done about it, this is how I feel.  So when my brother called me and says he "misses me", he can go fuck off.  He has never visited me, and dodged any attempts of me visiting him.  It is final and it is done.  If I try to do anything, I would be doing it without authenticity, so that means its just bullshit.

Why can't I forget something that happened many decades ago?  Well, it wasn't just that particular incident, there were others, and that would make for a very long blog posting.  I am trying to remember other things from the others, what they did past the age of accountability.  I remember very serious things that would probably land the whole family in jail.

I really don't care about any of them.

I have to live a life now.  My children and husband.  I had a relationship issue the other day with him, long story.  Basically, when you are being authentic, sometimes its not always going to make them feel all peachy.  They get angry.  It was understandable.  It was all I could do to let it go till the next day, I just wanted to pick at the problem.  I wanted to tell him that he was the problem here not me, but I had to force myself to allow my feelings and respect his boundaries, and not blame him.  Still, after my expressing my emotions, and being vulnerable, I had to let it go till the next day.  Oh, no. Then after he went to bed, just forget about it, and not stew.  This was hard.  I have told my relationship guide about this before in the past, and all she says to me is "I know."  Or "uh huh, yes." That's it, that is all she says about it.

Or today it was my turn to bring the snack for our quilting guild.  No one ate anything while I was there.  Oh, no.  I wanted to pick at it, and try to get someone to eat.  Or feel horrible about it.  I just let it go.  I guess they just weren't hungry.  I didn't worry about it, I brought the snacks then no one ate, then I went home a few hours later, and we just leave the snacks.  It doesn't matter.

Or my oldest daughter and her ex tend to buy too much for the children.  You know, I can't buy any of her children a coloring book even.  It will simply fall into the pile of endless coloring books they already have.  And the kids don't even appreciate gifts anymore.  They have ten of everything.  I'm not saying she is teaching them to be narcissists, but well, seems like its going down that road.  We had a long talk about it and she is considering what I am saying.

One step at a time, one foot in front of another.  Mother who?  Brother and sister who?

Thursday, March 10, 2016

The Quiet Mind

I can't watch this video without crying, even over and over again.  This is a true story, Henry Howard wrote this poem, and he was executed under the command of King Henry VIII back in the early 1500's.  Here are the words to that poem:

MARTIAL, the things that do attain The happy life, be these, I find :

The riches left, not got with pain ;The fruitful ground, the quiet mind :

The equal friend, no grudge, no strife ;

No charge of rule, nor governance ;

Without disease, the healthful life ;

The household of continuance :

The mean diet, no delicate fare ;

True wisdom join'd with simpleness ;

The night discharged of all care, Where wine the wit may not oppress :The faithful wife, without debate ;Such sleeps as may beguile the night.

Contented with thine own estate ;Ne wish for Death, ne fear his might.

Such profound words from a guy who was considered a very difficult man.  History does not give Henry Howard a good report.  And actually, if history were to write about me, oh no, lets not go there.

I had my doctor's appointment yesterday.  It turns out my cholesterol is 3.7 and it is supposed to be at 2.  The doctor is concerned about this for I have a brother who died of a heart attack at 45, and a mother who had high cholesterol.  The doctor discussed with me that the genetic link factor is the worst.  I never told her that I had a grandmother who died at the age of thirty of a heart attack for having too many children.  And that was on my father's side.  Too many connections, and I'm starting to feel like I'm going to be very careful with my eating habits and start exercising.  I have to have a bunch of heart tests too, and they'll call me to set a date.

Last night for dinner we had some white meat chicken and a big salad, with healthy dressing,  a piece of whole wheat bread.  I talked about the results with my husband who just sat there a little nervous too.  I have the genetic link factor, and I'm feeling like a ticking time bomb.  He's concerned about this too, and that is probably coupled with him staring down at the chicken and salad and he's probably wondering when he'll ever have a steak again.  I know its important for us both to eat healthy and he likes to eat red meat.  I think I'm just going to put some healthy food in his diet and allow him to eat what he wants.

We like fish, but we only get it in the summer from the lake.  I usually deep fry it, so I'm going to have to learn how to bake more often.  And more in moderation.  We usually eat what we catch right away, even when we catch the limit.  And this is a lot.  I suppose I could freeze some, but the law don't let you freeze too much.  If you have a freezer of fish, you could get into trouble.  Around here the law is strict on wildlife and that we don't abuse it, and sometimes I think they are more vigilant about that than they are about other things.

Our bodies make cholesterol too.  So that has to be taken in consideration because of my bad nerves.  But I think I've done a lot of work to get better.  Just this past week I've done considerable work on it.  I was well over my bad cold so I went to church on Sunday.  There is still a little residue from the cold, so I had to blow my nose.  I didn't think much of it.  I blew my nose a little, and it sounded like an elephant clearing its trunk.  Of course these things happen to me, I feel like I have been living under some kind of curse, so I kind of wondered why I didn't go to the bathroom to blow my nose, why did I have to do it right there.  But I lived to tell the tale.

After church I checked the food for the food bank and I noticed that a lot of food was collected by the church.  There was probably about $800 worth.  I usually take the food home with me and bring it to the food bank meeting, but this time I had to find someone who had keys, I wasn't going to bring this home.

As I left the church, the truck spun its wheels and there was snow thrown about the place and people were watching.  It looked like I did this on purpose, I hate that.  It looked like I was doing a Dukes of Hazzard Boys.  They were probably expecting me to fly over the embankment.  I don't spin wheelies but it looked like I was doing this on purpose.

I survived.  Next I had to think of who to go to that had keys.  I only knew where one lived.  Almost, not exactly. I kinda knew of where she lived, I thought I could find her.  I did find her.  It was cool because I used to do that in another time, when mother was not in my life.  I used to live making mistakes, and it was ok.  All this constant "being careful" was a problem for me.  So I decided to incorporate a little of the "old me".

So it was ok, I found her.  We went to the food bank and dropped off the food.  She is a nervous person.  I noticed how her speech tells this, and the way we talked to eachother, well we are the same in that regards.  As I was leaving the food bank I saw her walking back so I stopped and asked if anything was wrong.  She said that she just wanted to check if she locked the doors.  I thought to myself, "of course."  Exactly what I would do.  I don't know why this kind of behaviour bugs people. I find her a very good person, and I don't know why some would target someone like that.  I don't know about her life, and perhaps life took her here, and she does the best she can.

Watching her, I noticed a lot of me.  People think we are untrustworthy.  People might think its stupid to give her keys and she has too much responsibility that she can't be trusted for.  But I know she is the most trustworthy.  She might have walked back to the food bank again to check the lock again, she would never have left those doors unlocked.  She is always there to do things, and me knocking on her door on a Sunday was not expected.  She went out of her way to help.  She did not make me go home with the food.  That is what we are like.

So, with gas running out of the truck, I got the gas, with no anxiety over that.  I used to have to go around with a full tank, and with poverty being my main issue at the time, this made everything very difficult.  So I did a "So What?"   Then I proceeded to go on.  Just pushed through every single instance of pain, and I didn't die from it.

And even yesterday, going to the doctor's presented challenges.  I had my 3 year old grandbaby with me, and I couldn't find parking till the last minute, it was pouring rain, and I had a sickening feeling I would miss my appointment because of it.  I eventually found parking by waiting and driving around town.  This is not easy when you have a three year old who has to go pee.  I should be in a movie, its terrible.

And, if that wasn't enough, I had a hard time to get out of town for they had closed the exits because of several accidents.  There was only one exit, and I had to try to find out which one it was.  The radio did not give the details.  It took me a long time to find it.

I survived.  But if I knew what the day was going to be like, I don't think I would have wished myself out of bed that morning.  I don't think things would be so rough if it weren't for mother.  I think I would have been more accepting of myself.

Mother had high cholesterol too, and she used to eat everything that was considered good and healthy, and still her cholesterol went up.  It was weird.  I think it may have been her awful demeanor.  She was always on the look out for narc supply, and this probably caused a lot of stress. They can't live without it.  I suppose her doctor should have told her about that.  Narcs get away with too much and then they eat to keep healthy.  Doctor's don't help narcs much, do they?  She could have eaten only vegetables, but the constant need for supply kept her cholesterol high.  I'm sure of it.

Well, my doctor is a vegetarian, and I was wondering how someone lives like that.  She never has anything greasy either.  Then of course, I embarrassed myself asking her about pork, with her being east Indian, and this is probably a conversation she didn't want to have.  They don't eat pigs, and I felt just awful for asking her of it afterwards.  Just awful.  Awful is how I feel a lot.  But, she just smiled and she actually didn't smack me, so its ok.

So I basically have to take better care of myself, and I'm hoping my clumsy attempts at life don't cause my downfall.  I think if I'm just more accepting of them and of me, I will be fine.  And eating better and exercising will help me too.  I have the words of Henry Howard, the recipe of the quiet mind.

Friday, March 4, 2016

Refresher of Anna V.

I have a feeling this will be my most vulnerable post ever.  At least that is what I'm feeling right now. I had to think of that before typing anything else, to get that off my shoulders.

Well, I've been on this journey of discovery, and when I first started, I made it a point to read some of Anna V at least a couple of times a week.  That tapered off to nothing and just last night I started to read it again.  I have to tell you it was like it was all brand new to me.

I love how she can use bible scripture to make her points and does it so well, and never comes across as preachy to anyone.  Just the bare bones scripture, and for me this is the catalyst in growing in leaps and bounds.  I feel sad, I go there.  I feel angry, I go there.  Even when I feel confused.  And confused is a lot that I feel so much.  And I got to tell you these sneaky little buggers of the Cluster B will get you all confused if you let them.

I found out a woman I once knew is part of our quilting guild.  Not in my town, but in another, but we sometimes will all get together, at least once a year.  Now, this woman I once knew I used to work with in another time.  I can't call her the direct bully, I can't even call her an MN, but she was part and parcel of a plot set out by head narc of the group, and she played along.

Long story.  but I think you get the gist of it.  She was not someone who sticks up for anyone, just plays along.  Now I don't mind that, I don't expect anyone to stand up for me actually, but to stir the pot?  This I do mind.

She basically sat me down one day and told me that I need to learn to get along with people that I have a hard time with people skills and that basically I was stupid.  Even though I was the one that was bullied and I was perfectly content to mind my own business, but I get pulled into things and get bullied.  But somehow this is all my fault.  I've seen people, real people, not get up and not play with the narc agenda, I've seen it.  I know it is possible.

I saw this woman is with the guild and this part bugs me.  I know she likes to be perceived as this great and wonderful, sweet, caring, giving, understanding etc, etc, adnauseum.  I don't think she was a predator.  I'm sure she can be utmostly sweet at a tea party too.   Hey, whatever fits the situation, and this is the most inauthentic person I know.

Despite all of that, I went to read some of Anna V.  I happened to read that even these types people are dangerous for in the bible it says that those who don't love truth are dangerous.  They are the antithesis of truth, they are lies.  Lies pure and simple, and that is dangerous.

How come I know so much?  In my heart I know that this woman will throw you to the wolves, given a chance or sit and dine with you and discuss flower arranging patterns in a little sun bonnet too.

She hasn't even seen me at the guild yet, but I know she is with the other group, and sooner or later we will cross paths.  I know I am more angry with her than anyone of PD that I meet now. Nowadays, new narcs no problem.  One from my past is a different story.  And Anna says that narc supporters are no different than their narc counterparts, no less dangerous that is.

What will I say when I meet her?  Not sure, but I know what she will say.  She will be nice to me and act like we were friends in another life, and try to proceed with the nice protocol.  lol.  I'm sure of it.

Even those people who come online and say they are ACON's child abuse survivors.  Then they claim to be diagnosed with the dreaded Cluster B disorder.  Hey, I know they can write good and talk a good game and everything.  But when push comes to shove they are on the defense of the narcissist. I won't mention names, but I seen an ACON get ganged up on by them to defend his royal highness the head narc Sam Vakness.  I've seen it.  I read it and I was in shock.  I was too much in a fog at the time to see clearly what what going but now I know.  Reading some of Anna really helped me.  And she also helped me realize too that almost every narc has tales of woe.  That is child abuse.  Be careful.  Love you Anna Valerious, hope you don't mind me sharing some of what I learned from you, it was all like fresh stuff last night.

Kinda, well, I just had some thoughts on my heart today.  And I just feel very refreshed and renewed.

One of the new narcs I know, and I mean new as in my post awakening, that I pegged as being a narc right away.  For months.  Then just the other day, I got into a bit of a misunderstanding with one of the ladies.  I felt lost when I went to get the presses to hold down my quilt.  She moved them, and I'm afraid my voice got a little testy as to where they were.  Madam narc picked up on this.  Time for an attack.  Well, after awhile, it all seemed rather silly and some time later the narc asked, "I wonder if Joan is still mad at you."  This was about a half an hour after the scuffle, and we had already retreated into being friendly again.  Mmmm.

So yeah, ha ha.  Another one.  Well, that freaky SIL left a message in hubby's email.  This is what, barely into March and she wanted to know what HE was going to do, for THEY  were taking their holidays in August.  For this, I have my wonderful lady who leads my relationship site, but, I'm sick. Everything will have to be counter intuitive.  I will have to embrace my pain and authentically admit I'm jealous even to him if necessary, but at least admit it myself.  I am not to let him go there alone anymore, I have to use jealousy in a way that is productive.  That is, take things in hand and go there and own the situation.  That she is not in charge here.  I have to grow a spine.   So I will have to breathe through that one.  Wah, I'm not meant for this.

Its hard for me, not that I'm a wimp, but I have a lot of shit to deal with, with my own issues.  I'm afraid.  What if I take it too far?  That can happens sometimes, but its only because of jangled nerves. I'm misundertood all the time, so what difference does it make now?  Rule number one of social skills, YOU WILL MAKE MISTAKES.

It doesn't help much when I am born with a hypermobile body that can't even point straight at something and can sit like a twist tie.  This all feels so vulnerable.  I can't explain it.  Just does.  But I was always faced with someone wanting to beat me up, and that is something.

So what I wanted to talk about was this stuff all this stuff.  Am I making sense.  I just had to pour out so quickly what it was I was feeling.  When I go back and try to edit it will remove the intensity of my feelings.  Thank you for your patience.

Wednesday, March 2, 2016

Diagnosed with High Cholesterol

I have been diagnosed with having high cholesterol.  All my other medical tests turned out fine, other than having to have a mammogram once a year instead of two years.  For having dense tissue.

I have a doctor's appointment next week to discuss it, but I did a little reading online about it.  I'm a little nervous it will affect my eating habits, which are not very good.   I am addicted to sweets, and have no problem at all eating a family size bag of caramels.  And that is a day that I'm being careful of what I eat.

I know mother was diagnosed with this at my age, probably a bit older actually.  She didn't go for regular testing though, but she had symptoms of having a hard time moving her legs.  So she went to see a doctor and they found out she had high cholesterol.

I'm still just trying to absorb this information.  Mother had it, I got it, but I had no symptoms, and apparently there are no symptoms from what I was reading online.  Only a blood test can determine it.  It can run in families.  I already look like her, and have the same diagnosis.

I remember she lived on cabbage soup lots.  Very careful with what she ate.  I CAN'T LIVE LIKE THAT.   I know, I'm not trying to find pity here, just venting.  I have special addictions brought on by a life of trauma.  Junk food makes me feel normal.  It comforts me.  When things go badly for me, I always have had a temporary way out.

I was fortunate not to be a drug addict or worse.  Mother did intend to make me feel so horrible about myself then she would placate me with hot chocolate and candy.  I still remember that wolf in Lisette's blog from House of Mirrors.  I must have stared at that wolf for a long time.  The wolf was holding out a treat and he had a fork in his other had to eat you with.

When the doctor told me that I felt scared.  I am already aware of the eating life a high cholesterol person.  It is not good.  I am probably not as bad as mother, for she only went in when she was already sick.

When I went in to have these medical tests, the only one that scared me really was the one for colorectal cancer, for I seem to get a pain in my lower back once in a while, and I heard that was a symptom.  But that was ok.

I guess I have to work with my emotions a lot more.  I feel helpless right now, and I can't understand that I got this and mother did too.

I also heard that high cholesterol can be caused by stress.  I stress about a lot of things.  Just tonight I was feeling horrible.  Just horrible and I couldn't figure out why.

So I just let myself feel horrible.  That's it.  No positive thinking.  And guess what?  In about 10 minutes I was feeling better.  For no reason either, I just went with the flow.

I know it can be said that an uneducated woman like my mother can be an emotional feeder.  She doesn't know any better right?  But she did tell me that she enjoyed seeing me miserable.  I realize now why she told me that.  She was grooming me to always feel miserable to please her.

Who does that?  Who feels pleasure at their daughter feeling miserable?  I can't stand it when the kids tell me that they feel badly, I go frantic and I absorb their pain.  I like it when they are happy.

A couple of months ago, my son told me he was going to go back to school.  At age 26, he already became a foreman in the construction industry, he was a roofer.  But he is a workaholic and with long winters off, he sort of went nuts.

He's going back to school, and I feel scared for him, but I'm trusting him to make the right decisions. But he didn't tell me that he was going to work in the summer months, and go to school in the winter. He didn't tell me that.  I only heard he was going back to school.  I thought he got into a fight with his boss or got fired, and all my brain did was go crazy.  Then he explained it to me later.

I couldn't bring myself to ask him if he got fired, I didn't know what to do, and he didn't explain right away.  So we talked about this and he promised to explain things to me better.  How much junk food did I consume over that one?  I'm ashamed to tell you.

So I have to figure out how my emotions work with the emotional eating, and I have to try to solve the problem that way.  If I have to eat healthy, there will be more emotional work.  And it seems to be endless.

People think I'm a type A personality, but I think I'm authentically the type B laid back type.  But mother never allowed it.  Once she came back into my life in 2005 I was doing fine.  But it was a fly by the seat of my pants sort of life.  But I had everything covered.  Nothing was undone, like mother claiming it was.  I was living a good life.  Look for that when you feel stressed for no reason.  You might be living to please a malignant narcissist.