Tuesday, September 15, 2015

Is Rejection All That Bad?

I have decided to prioritize my writing as very important because it makes the bad stuff that is going on in my head, all go away.  It does it really does work.  If you struggle with your thoughts and emotions, this is the way to go.  I wish I had done this all my life.  Through this I have found sanity, serenity and peace.

Now I know this one has got to be a little silly, but not to me.  I just got banned from a forum.  I don't want to mention where and what I said, the whole thing is really rather embarrassing still.  I was called twisted or my ideas were called twisted, and it was upsetting.  But I don't think that anything that I say is bad.  Maybe very real and raw, but that's ok.  I'm not going to fake it.  Actually, I was banned for not being a good fit, that was the reason, but it felt horrible.  But I agree with the administrator, I was a bad fit, afterawhile, I realized it wasn't what I thought it was.  It wasn't exactly for ACON's but for those dealing with predators.

Just as a warning to put out there.  I've never been on a forum before, but I think there is a lot of censorship of speech on them, which is the last thing an ACON needs.  I think we need to speak, do anything and everything, and just trust that if we have the right intentions, then it will be ok.  This is not the case on forums.

I remember one time I saw this little girl (not me) and she was upset because she lost all her friends (she said) and no one liked her anymore, and her mom just gave her a hug.  No one likes me she said, and her mom said everything will feel better tomorrow.

If you say something offensive, shouldn't it be oh well?  We get through it don't we?  The sun comes back up tomorrow and we learned something.  That we can't fit in everywhere.  Strong censorship of speech is very necessary in forums, I get it, otherwise they would go nuts.  I never fought with anyone, just my viewpoints didn't fit.  Its ok.

This reminds me, I wanted to talk about how I'm self-referencing lately.  Well, I'm just letting it all hang out there.  The real deal.  Hurt, pain, anger, we all live with.  Now we can't be authentic with all people.  As ACON's many of us stay alone lots.  I do, then I tend to go bug people online.  Its funny, I feel safer online talking, that is until I got banned.  No one told me why my viewpoints were bad, just that they were, then I got banned.  That is not helping someone to learn.  And I have a lot to learn. Fleabaggy as I am, I will stick my foot in my mouth, I know people online I don't have to censor my speech with, that I can be authentic with.

I know I don't have a bad heart.  I'm never critical of anyone, I let anyone have their say.  I don't even have rules for this blog.  Not at all.  I don't want to.  I hope everyone can give everyone respect though, and I think that can go without saying.  A lot of the normal rules I'll just take for granted that everyone gets them anyway.

We would love it if everyone loves us don't we?  We would be so happy and would make all the pain go away.  You think so?  There was a fella nailed to a cross that never did anything wrong, so I don't expect much either.

Still though the pain of being unloved just lingers.  I was on a forum for 3 days and I got banned. Hey, life goes on.  But what would mother say?  She would laugh at me, who cares?

Always hold your head up.  That's what I've been telling myself.  I imagine what it would be like if I had those messages in my head instead of the mean ones.  My mother once told me that I have a "big fat ass".  So?  She was an old whore that would screw anything in pants, who the heck cares what she says?  She doesn't count, she never did.  She had no right to make me feel so bad.  At some time in no contact requires emotional no contact too.  I have to separate myself from her big mouth.

So I made a mistake going onto a forum I had no business on.  So?  I'm very exploratory.  The ACON life is my life and I explore it.  I explore all I can learn and feel.  I try to find things that are tangible. I never stop, this will never stop me.  I will go on and crash in on sites that are even remotely related that is what I do.  Maybe that is not good, but its me.  If I had a normal life I might be exploring in Africa right now, that is what I like.  It will take some knock downs.

I've also come to the realization that I'm not broken.  Broken is not me.  I have pushed down emotions for a long time and that is not broken.  That is being alive.  I step in toes sometimes, and that will happen, won't it?  Won't that happen with a person who grew up normally too?  I've had it with feeling broken.  It gets me nowhere.  It seems to breed more of the same.  I'm broken, nah, this is just the way it is.  Its not perfect or ideal, but it is the way it is.

I'm starting to love my life again.  Its not perfect, but everyday I wake up its a blessing.  I can take it one day at a time, even with the mass rejection I feel.  People push me away, but I have to have the emotional resources to get through it.  I'm ok, I'm enough.  Its true.  Lots of hurtful people out there, but I'm an ok person to talk to, I really am.

But just remember your reality of growing up abused is not going to keep you down.  You are not a body or even your mind.  You are alive in more ways than that.  By the way, someone called me out of the blue today, offering to help me personally with a quilt.  That's not rejection.  That's someone reaching out, going out of her way, means that she likes me.  She would not offer this with someone she doesn't like, no way.  I also have a friend I can talk to anytime, that's not rejection.  And I have said dippy fleabaggy things to these people before and they haven't rejected me.

Yes, some people have rejected me but it's ok.  Maybe, those people didn't belong in my life.  I explored a forum remotely connected to my kind of abuse and I got banned, so what?

The part that gets me the most is that my MN mother would have made me feel bad about anything. I'm remembering so much more now, I have been a targeted source of supply for so long, and mother made it that way for me.

I heard on a tv show that what we see, think and feel is directly related to our life experiences.  I still see beauty, do you?  Your MN parent didn't eat that away?  No, of course not.  And they never gave us the encouragement to see beauty.  As for me, MN mother made sure I only saw bad, ugly, grim. There was no joy, she hated that.  She liked nature though and that is something I don't completely understand yet, even her darkness couldn't take away the light I saw in her eyes when when we brought her out here all those years ago.  Or maybe that is my imagination too.  And if that is the case, then that is a big wow.  My imagination transferred all that ugliness into beauty.  Isn't that cool?

Listen, I know it is tough.  We were not given the ability to self-soothe (at least I wasn't) but I am developing that ability right here on this blog.  All those other things that we need for survival, like our self-esteem, I just build it right in each and everyday.  I'm still keeping to "no looking for approval" and its working great.  DH and I had a nice big send off when he went to work tonight.  We giggled and we laughed together.  I know its not much, but I'm seeing him exactly where he is right now with me.  I don't have the level of commitment I want with him.  My job is to realize that and just go with the flow, and keep flowing.  Shhhh, I'm going to tell you a secret, don't tell anyone, I noticed he has been looking at engagement rings on the computer.  I'm not hacking, just the computer gave me the history automatically this morning.  I don't have an engagement ring.  Shhh.,

Its all good.  We move forward from where we are right now.  I'm scared, I don't trust easily. Another lady called me from the quilting guild tonight, I hope I don't end up with friends. lol  Its ok, they call because they like me, I do have likeable qualities.

Monday, September 14, 2015

Peep's Blog Post

I want to share this vital information to all the world.  When we are new and first get our eyes open to the truth that we were in abusive families, it can be an exciting time.  It was for me, for all the blame was taken off my shoulders and the crap I went through wasn't my fault and realizing it for the first time was incredible.  Listen, it might give us all blabbermouth syndrome.

The sad fact is that we will not be understood.  That these are actual narcs, sociopaths ruining us from birth is very illogical to others who came from real families with loving parents, and siblings who were encouraged to love eachother.  I go see a friend now and I can't get over how she has brothers and sisters all around her.  That is something I can't relate to either.

I have nieces that I haven't seen in many years.  I mean, who does that in the outside world?  No one, except for us.  And it is not like we don't want our family members, its not that.  Its just that they are destructive and evil.  Don't try to tell others you came from evil stock.  It taints you as the bad guy, as being very unforgiving.  And even you might be looked upon as being very toxic.  It don't sit well with others when you are no contact permanently with your FOO.

Personally, for me, I just stick to the facts.  That is within my household, I have a DH that doesn't understand these dynamics and he has seen my screaming mother.  Still he doesn't understand.  And we have to be careful of who to share with otherwise we are looked at as being crazy.

Sunday, September 13, 2015

Emotions Are Good

So it is best to just ride through the feelings and emotions.  I worry at this point that it might be going on too long.  But I know that its only destructive if I'm doing it for destructive reasons, and I'm not.  I know now that DH is lot at that level of commitment that I want him to be with me.  So what I need to do is not block him out during this time.  I am to be there with him during my hard times, and just be real and present.  That's all I got to do.  Don't separate him from my feelings.

Feelings don't take a lot of talking.  I don't need to try to convince him of anything.  When he heard me talk to my friend about the problem on the phone, he somehow got connected to it.  He might show more anger over it once he is done with his work week.  I know he is angry over it, but his mission is work.  That's alright.  I have people I can talk to, a blog I can write on, and I know he prefers I keep this all to myself.  It ain't going to happen.  And I don't have to get his approval over it.

Marriage papers doesn't necessarily mean you have a commitment.  We can't commit logically.  This has to be a deep emotional bond.  Since I am an ACON my needs will be different. I will be targeted here and there and he needs to realize this.  I can't tell him, I only feel and express when necessary.  I am praying somehow he will get this.

So don't try to convince a guy of something.  Don't try to "talk" and hope by talking that he will understand.  Don't try to "get" him to marry you by taking him to wedding shops and keeping wedding magazines around.  Sometimes when women do this is because she thinks he doesn't know she wants marriage.  That won't work.  It has to be deep seated in his emotions.  Just be quiet and feel.  He'll get it.

So I want a higher level of commitment, where narcs won't permeate through.  That's a lot to expect. We got together through the hard times I was going through with MN mother.  He understands some stuff, just not that I'll be a target for predators.  I'm worried that he'll be my Achilles's Heel.  He has already tried to gaslight me.  But I believe that somehow we will get through this.

Sometimes I think he will continue to gaslight me, and I have to stay on my toes.  I probably will. But his attempt to gaslight me was only because of a narc.  But now I'm worried he'll want to go to that camp every year.  I can't do that, so I don't know what to do.  I don't like that separation between us. I had lousy marriages in the past, I don't want this to be a problem anymore.  I'm praying about that too.  Since he told me that  he saw her boobs when she wasn't single and it was "her problem" he might be a little closer to the truth.  This wasn't a good thing.

Years ago I was stuck in a trailer with 6 men overnight and no one saw anything.  Long story, it was a hunting trip with some friends and I got stranded.  Long story.  My point is, no one saw anything and it was a small trailer.  Very small.  I told DH this, he looked away thoughtfully.  I didn't tell him that she was a bully to me when I was there, I'm not sure how to express that yet.  I'm praying for more insight, and I know I have to be careful.  Maybe it looks like I'm trying to make him hate a part of his family, but I am, so everything is very confusing.  One day at a time.  And pure truth.

I worry about the word, "manipulation".  I'm scared I'm trying to be a manipulator.  But manipulate is a hard word for me to try to work with.  I get the sense that if I woke up every morning believing that I am never going to manipulate that it makes me a bad person, then there would be no point in getting out of bed.  How do I work with that word?  It leaves me no where to go.  Would you pull someone out of the way of a moving car isn't that like manipulation?  I can't use that term.

We still have to work through the gaslight part.  Maybe we can't because he will have to admit he was an ass, and that is hard for him.  So I just stay present with my very real emotions with him.

Oh and I almost made an excuse to him for wanting to lie on the couch today.  I was going to say, "It is Sunday", or something like that.  Not sure why now, but I fear I am looking lazy but my emotions are overwhelming.

Since I have decided to be authentic for life (it is my key to survival), it is not without a cost.  I feel like it is costing me the ability to look good.  And what is wrong with wanting to look good? Because it is approval seeking.  So far, he seems to understand and approve of me anyway.

And I noticed some advantages.  He bought some new coffee and said it "tasted smood".  I started laughing.  This French Canadian accent is very strong with him, can't pronounce quite a few words properly.

I asked him, "Say it again."

He said "This coffee is smood."

Then I started laughing.  He got very quiet and it was strange.  He takes offense to anyone teasing him.  I never do it, but this broke the monotony.  I said its ok,  I love and appreciate his accent. So it was ok.  Usually, he would have been deeply offended but now he's different.  Maybe this is progress, but I don't know.

All my quiet and not seeking approval is supposed to make me very high value.  Even though my self care is down, my moods are different.  I'm accepting my feelings more as being natural.  I know in a Christian sense I am not supposed to be trusting my feelings so much.  But I have no other way.  As an ACON guidelines must be set in self reference.  Even that term would not be accepted by the Christian church.  But we do what we have to do.

We are working with a lot.  Its like starting life, and you are an adult.  Adam and Eve were allowed to be simple and were expected to.  I wish I knew a little more about Adam and Eve and how they lived before the fall.  That would be helpful.  There must be a reason we don't know this.

Mother never loved me, she only loved to hurt me.  In the end she tried to destroy me.  I was stuck, unable to leave the house, but I got that managed.  I think she was a murderer in her own right.  She didn't care that what she was doing was very harmful.  It didn't matter.  Narcissistic supply was all that mattered.

So basically, it is one day at a time.  I do feel pressured to move on, but its hard.  I feel betrayed, and I can't easily get past that.  I need a word or something from DH and I'm not getting anything.  So for now, its just being present with him with my emotions and it seems to be helping.

I have to somehow trust that this is all working.  I have to trust him and believe this is what I need to be doing.

Saturday, September 12, 2015

A Mix of Things

I've been really trying to focus on my self-care these days, but its been tough.  My eyebrows are all grown in, and my nails are shabby.  It is a lot of work for someone like me to even make myself presentable on a daily basis.  Lately, regular bathing is hard.  I have to shave my legs and this I'm finding hard.

I purchased a boar hair brush a few months ago.  I was reading about them online, and heard they are the best thing.  Takes care of the need to buy a lot of product for your hair.  Lately I've just been washing mine and piling it on top of my head.  I have a massive head of hair, that I dye a light amber brown.  I did dye it though, so no greys.  My daughter did it for me.

But regarding the boar bristle brush, I read that they can cost a $100 dollars or more.  More if you want the pure boar bristles that are not mixed in with nylon to make it cheaper, even then a $100.  I got mine at Walmart for $10 :/ and its pure boar bristles.  It takes all that yucky oil that builds up on your scalp and pulls it down to the dry sahara parts of  your hair.  Works great.  It takes work though and I have just started using it again.  I have a bamboo brush too, and this is good as well, much easier to use.  I've been using it on my down days.

I've been having a lot of down days recently.  My DH and I have been still been working on the issue of why he went to go run to his SIL leaving me behind.  We don't talk about it much, I've been trying to just feel.  Feel all my emotions and basically that is all I've been doing.

Well, not all.  I have to watch that I don't do any approval seeking.  As a result I don't do much in the way of talking.  When my DH returned home from work he was presented with homemade soup on a very hot day.  I'm not doing it to get even, I swear.  When I'm down, I need soup and, well, he can find his way to a restaurant.  To me, he has done the disasterdly deed of taking off on a camping trip without me.  I could just say that I had his dinner waiting for him every night he was gone, and now I'm not into cooking dinner right now.  He wants to eat more, he can fix this problem.  Everyone in his family thinks that it was me that didn't want to go on the trip.  That is what he has told him.

This afternoon he caught me talking on the phone to the one friend that I have about this.  He said I was gossiping.  Well now, women talk, what the heck is wrong with that?  We turn to eachother for support, and in the days of hunters and gatherers, the women really grouped together and men were just a small part of our lives.

I told my DH that I wanted him to buy the new course that is offered on my relationship site.  You know, the site and program that caused my awakening to my MN mother.  The program is called Commitment Control 2.0.  He said no, because I think he is rather mad at me.  Then he asked me how much it cost and I told him $1800 when I included all the taxes.  No, no, no.

Its ok.  I don't think any relationship advice can help when a narcissist targets you.  Narcissists own people, I have no say in the matter.  It hurts me when he doesn't realize this.  He can't realize this.  I am stuck alone here with him, who does not know this.

Oh, but I did get a clue in to SIL a little more.  Apparently the boob show happened when he was still single.  He has never been single, he went from his ex to me in a matter of 2 months.  So it must have happened just before we met or just after before he considered himself no longer single.  And another thing he said to me was, "She wasn't single, that was her problem."  I got the feeling that meant that he knew that it was not a good thing for her to be doing.  Showing off the boobs.  Just that simple statement alone, it seems like he threw her off her pedestal.  Like he doesn't respect her as much anymore.

So he caught me talking to my one friend about the situation.  I was talking to her and she is very understanding over the whole situation.  I leave out the narcissist stuff, and she knows there are just very creepy people out there.  I do pray for something to change here.  I'm waiting and praying.

But I have been very quiet during my approach to not seeking approval.  It seems like most of my conversations are approval seeking, and I have nothing else to say.  Each day he came home from work last week I said "hi," and not much more than that.  Plus the hot soup and, well, I'm not as complaisant as I used to be.  Well, I was working on never seeking approval before, but now I'm working harder on it.  Not even to make a comment to him about anything.  Watching tv whatever, if it feels like I'm trying to appear smart, or whatever, I just clam up.  If I think I'm trying to say stuff that I think he wants to hear, I clam up.  My gosh, this left little else for me to say.

After his work week was over, he said that I was behaving so well, almost perfect.  Huh?  I didn't say anything.  Oh well, leave that one to the relationship expert to answer.  He was serious, and he was impressed although he only got soup for dinner.  But he was impressed with me.

I started to take better care of my hair.  With the boar bristle brush.  I figured I would just start somewhere and leave the eyebrows till tomorrow.  For makeup, I might just use a mascara for now, that and take care of my hair more.  Push forward slowly.  I'm not going to get to my full routine yet.

As per my post on the smear campaign.  I kind of let the house go a little.  He sees no value in any of it, and I'm trying to recover.  I'm doing laundry and dishes, but I'm seriously having a hard time.  We started the quilting guild this week, and that was wonderful.  I'm pushed to doing it more.  Not like over the summer when I was on my own.

My DH attempt to gaslight me didn't work.  I told him point blank that I was not allowed on that trip, after he heard me talk to my friend on the phone.  He gets it, he understands me fully now, but he is holding on to his belief that I was invited by him.  The whole thing was so screwy.  How the heck would I have misinterpreted a trip out of town that I was going when I was told I wasn't?  I'm not crazy and I'm not going to let anyone make me crazy either.

Even now, I asked him about the next time, would he be taking me.  He wouldn't friggin answer me! I think he is worried about me and his SIL in the same room together.  That I will rip her mask off so fast that heads will spin.  Ha ha.  But I believe in no contact with narcs.

This is a difficult time.  I'm focusing on self-care and working on not seeking approval.  The not seeking approval is making him very happy with me.  It works in dating situations too.  Just watch, gauge what comes out of your mouth.  One lady on our site walked out on a man who spent too long on his cell phone while she was out on a date.  Nope, she could do better.  Always live in your own skin.

Of course I do speak of taking my head out of my own butt and attempt to understand the other person.  But how can I do this in this situation?  Well, I've also been working on escalating commitment.  That means making him more responsible for my feelings.  If I feel badly, I feel badly and there is no way I'm going to try to make myself feel better.  It is a process, and my mind and body need to heal.  It takes time.  So he knows how I feel, especially since I told my friend and he heard it, now he is feeling somewhat angry, embarrassed.  Its ok.  I just have to relax.

I'm sure he wants this to all be over, and get on with life.  But it is not how I feel, because he has made no attempts to resolve anything.  So I continue with my emotions and feelings.  Maybe I can get past it if he just tells me what happens the next time.  I can understand it if he just says well, "I guess we misunderstood eachother, next time we will go together."  But so far, nothing.

He is set in his ways.  I know he is worried that I try to control him.  But he is controlling me and not even wanting me to talk about it with a close friend.  Its not gossip.

We were under a narc attack.  His SIL is a severe one.  No conscience even, and I know that now, just even with her simple teasing me of being a "proper bushwoman".  I told my friend that and she was shocked to hear it.  It is out of the normal human realm, you know, its bullying.  Yes, my friend was absolutely shocked that I was told that, it was not my imagination, her eyes flew wide open.

Oh, also the SIL was a drunk that would go in drinking binges away from home and leave her husband for even days at a time.  I just found this out.  I don't know if this is normal behaviour in alcoholism.  Her husband threatened to leave and she stopped.  Now, he doesn't even have so much as a beer, for her sake.

So I work towards my own healing now.  Bottom line, this was a narc attack.  As per all the other stuff, including the smear campaign, it all fell into line with being a narc attack.  DH is being oblivious.

I don't know.  Maybe there will come a time when we will be able to look past this and laugh.  He is on to his SIL  a little more, because of the things he told me about her.  I just want us to open talk, get it all out.  I can't let go of my sanity and just believe that I was invited.  That would be crazy.

For now, things are rather cold between us, all except for the hot soup.

Friday, September 4, 2015

Seeing the Truth

This commercial came on tv the other night and I couldn't help but feel so drawn to it.  This is exactly how I was coming out into the world at 18 years old.  I had no clue as to what I was doing and thought the world was a good place.

In all my dealings with narcs I had no idea what was going on.  I like the commercial as it shows how he chose to see the evil as just a beautiful balloon parade.

Awakening to the truth has helped me escape from a torturous "family vacation" just recently.  Oh it did plague us but not to the extent that it would have.  I was invited at the final hour as a way of keeping me unsettled, I know that now.  In the past, I shudder to think that I would have went.

Narcs still attack me, but its not the same anymore.  Armed with knowledge I can now protect myself.  Truth has been the saving grace.  I hope more people can awaken to it.

The commercial is only 30 seconds long.  It is humorous to the rest of society but for me it is so accurate to what I had to live through.

Thursday, September 3, 2015

Smear Campaign

So the smear campaign was pretty bad.  I hadn't expected him home a day early as I was going to leave before he got here.  That evening was the worse we ever had.  He expected me to have dinner waiting for him when he got home.  lol  Right away I knew it was a smear campaign starting.  I said that I wasn't expecting him home so early, that I was expecting him to be home the next day.  He said, "Yeah, yeah, and it doesn't look like you did anything while I was gone."

Ha ha.  It was going downhill so fast and there was no way for me to stop it.  I did spend most of the time on research about narcissism, and I even told him that.  He was expecting me to deny what I was doing all that time?  Besides which the dishes were done, there was no visible dirt around and I had no idea what the heck he was talking about.

But I have an idea.  His MN SIL is one of those clean freak narcs.  I don't blame people who like to keep a super clean house, it doesn't bother me.  Its those who treat housework as the highest value thing you can do.  Oh and hold a full-time job (shift work) and have a super clean house.  I swear narcs don't need anything more in their lives but this massive worship for things that are so worthless. I felt angry, but I chose not to get on the defensive side, I knew there was no time passing with a quarantine that I was planning, so I chose to keep it down.

It was hard to do.  And it wasn't going to happen naturally.  I assured him that I spent a lot of time on research as he knows a little about this.  He met that with a hrmph.  "Do not look for approval".  That is what my relationship site orders and I was intent on never letting that happen.  So I told him the truth.  That still didn't stop him.

I asked him if he followed my request that he not talk about me while he was away on his trip.  He said that they only asked why I wasn't there, and he told them that I didn't want to go.  Hmm.  I'm sorry to my readers, mine is a continuing story and I know for a fact that he disallowed me going on this trip.  I didn't see the first emails right away, so there was no reason for me to think that I was jealous or was disallowed because of them.  Only allowing me to go when the last email was sent at the final hour.

So I told him, "So you lied to them then," he sat very quiet and didn't say a word.  Then I realized that the minute he came through the door he was very sullen and moody.  He was all upset because I didn't do any housework while he was on his private vacation to see his personal titty show.

The whole thing had me questioning my sanity.  Did I get invited and just wanted to get bitchy and jealous over the emails?  Did I feel hurt and angry over nothing?  I was not allowed on that trip for weeks, even told that I didn't want to go, so I shouldn't be going.  I know that was a lie for we had discussed bringing the cat earlier on in the summer.

I told him that he disallowed me, he even told me that I could go visit my daughter instead of going with him.  He said, "I told you that if you didn't want to go, you can visit your daughter instead." That is not what he said, I'm sure of it.  But I was questioning all this stuff.  What happened.  Just shhh, quiet down my mind, relax.

It was hard for me not to explode.  I only made strange sounds instead as it is ok to feel emotions, not necessarily to express them at that time.  As the whole situation was volatile.  I was refused to go on that trip.  Then I was gaslighted to believe that I was actually invited at the final hour.  I know this for a fact.  I went at him for weeks about going, and he always told me no, that he was going alone.

I knew right there and then that he was my enemy.  He even threatened to delete my blog as this is a bad influence on me.  I didn't say anything to that, as I knew that he was on a shit smear campaign, and I was having nothing of it.  The housework was just an excuse for him to get mad seeing as he spent a week with a perfect housekeeper.  He never complained about housework before.  I spend time cleaning house, but I know for a fact it is not the thing to bring into relationship as having value. So I decided to be high value instead.

I showed my emotions.  But since the SIL is void of emotions like that, he saw no value in me doing it.  He only saw value in creepy inhuman SIL.  How did that transfer take place?  From his devotion from me to her?  Well, it was a difficult time for me.  All of a sudden I was competing with someone who works full-time shift work plus keep a spotless house and camp.  This is a person who doesn't really think.  This narc doesn't ever reflect or innovate or introspect, lots of time saving devices here. There is not that much to a narc.  Very simple beings really.  Yes, they are mad all the time and play games, but none of that is that hard with someone who has chosen to cast off their soul.  He said he didn't talk about me, but somehow she was able to smear campaign me anyway.  It could have been just simply by making me look bad.  By throwing in digs about me.  I know narcs do that without being noticed.

Now, if he chose to look at his brother and see what a little whipped doggy he is, he didn't.  He only saw this woman who was capable of anything.  He doesn't see that the private boob shows are a problem.  He doesn't see that his brother lacks a lot of things.  His brother never crosses the line and is never allowed to be the man.  Only she is the man.  But I had no choice at this point in time.

As the shit smear campaign was going on, I tried to get him to see that it was a smear campaign. That there is not a problem with me, and that I need to be on the computer doing research, gaining a foothold in all the things that plague me.  There is no counselling for me.  But he saw it as a waste of time.

I tried to escape it.  I didn't understand why I was seeing this part of him, it is never like this.  He was really abusive, and I used my emotions and not looking for approval as my strategy.

The next morning, I told him that I was leaving for the day and overnight.  Now that he had a chance to calm down, could he see what was happening?  He said that he didn't.

When I got back, I chose to be quiet.  Not a grand stand silent treatment, but a full fledged "not looking for approval" and I decided to guard my mouth.  I did talk here and there, mainly comments about a tv show we were watching.  Just a little.  Don't talk.  Don't look for approval.

Never looking for approval forces me to feel my emotions.  And to free them up.  I am allowed to feel.  He came back home from his trip with narcissistic shit on his mind and I was not going to adjust myself to it.  I was going to live in my own body and feelings.  He will see me eventually, but for now, this is not very comfortable.  I want to talk, smash him over the head, and maybe that might be ok at times, it will not work for me now.  My strategy is just to feel.  Talking takes away the sensations of just feeling.

As such, I told him that I was going into no contact with his SIL and brother.  He was angry over this. It's fine I told him, as his angry outbursts were not necessary.  He did tell me though, that I did yell at him while he came in the door after he got back.  Ok, I did.  He was a day early, and he scared the crap out of me!  He is lucky I didn't attack.  If you know what PTSD is then you'll know what I mean. He knows I'm the nervous type and I had to remind him of that.  I don't have nerves of steel, and if you saw me on even a regular day it is noticeable.

Then he said that I never asked him how his trip was.  Was he serious?  I didn't know what to say to that.  So I just stayed quiet.  So all this was the excuses he needed to be abusive to me.  Oh, and I asked him to take the garbage out, too, when he got home.  Normal stuff to us had become the ticking time bomb.  I told him that I have a hard time lifting, I am hypermobile, and the garbage we have is heavy.  It is in a super large garbage bag that gets filled right up.  It needs to be carried quite a ways to the garage.  He always took care of it for me.

So I now choose to be quiet and just live in my emotions and not refuse to feel.  This is my highest value self.  This is what I have chosen to do.  I don't think he liked me leaving for the day and night. He seemed very taken aback by me leaving the next morning.

Regarding no contact with his brother and wife.  He feels that it is unnecessary as they are good people.  I told him that is fine, they might be good people, but the behaviour he displayed towards me shows that they are not supportive people of us.  I choose to not be around people who are non-supportive.  We get to choose in our life people we spend time with, or not.  I feel they are very toxic.

Nothing more was said about that.  I told him that from now on when he visits them or they visit him, I will make myself scarce, and he will have to accept this.  And we will have a day or two of quarantine after.  That maybe we could go back to the way we were but I had to leave for the day. Maybe I didn't have to tell him that but I wanted this part off the table so that we could work towards getting better.

I was tired when I got back.  I planned on doing shopping in town, but I never did.  Too exhausted. These emotions are exhausting.  While I spent time with the kids, even then I was so low energy everyone was concerned.  I told the kids everything.  Well, in regards about how we allow people to treat us.  We are never to go looking for approval, that we are to stay in our own skins.  It doesn't guarantee that we will never will get hurt, but it is the best thing to do regardless.

DH said that those were his personal emails, and that his SIL was addressing him directly and none of that needed to include me.  Fine.  But he did refuse me to go on that trip for weeks, and I told him that.  I wanted that to be said in case he was questioning my behaviour.  Plus the smear campaign. All this was horrible and I told him that.  I pull no punches.  He asked me to make his lunch and I told him that since he can go on vacations without me he can make his own lunch without me as well. Sounds bitchy, I know.  But its ok.  I might be wrong on this one, but I just don't feel like being in this attitude of servitude towards him.  This doesn't build attraction and connection.

So for now I'm going with the flow of my emotions.  I'm not blasting him, but I am allowing myself to feel.  Once that is done then maybe I can work on putting the pieces back together, I know how to build connection, its not very hard, but the mindset has to be there.  We have to value connection above all else and that is not the way I feel right now.  I'm just going to feel, feel, feel.  And feel some more.  If he pressures me I'll tell him that I need time.  He won't do that right now, cause he is busy with work so I have the time.  He made dinner, its in the slow cooker.  If he asks me to make his lunch I'll do it.  I'm not going to automatically do it, I just don't want to.  He refused me this trip and demanded everything from me after, but still I'm not punishing him.  I'm just going with the flow of my emotions.

In any case this is going to take a lot of work.  The only thing I can do is to bring out the best in him, and for me to do that I will have to be at my best.  I have tons of things I have to feel first.  Was he gaslighting me?  Is his SIL a narc or did I imagine the whole thing?  He went on vacation without me.  Thus he goes on vacations and refuses to take me?  Full stop.  I do not like that. How does that make me feel?  Did I want to stop him from going?  I never once told him he couldn't go and that I feel was placed on my shoulders as well.  How did this all get so messed up in my head? As I remember things, it seems so clear to me what happened but was it?  Would I have unnecessarily become passive aggressive over this trip?

I did want to go, and we were planning on going.  I remember we were discussing bringing the cat, and not even that he can deny.  It was a long discussion about whether the cat can stay alone or not. Cats are not very portable, so we needed to talk about that too.  And everything was so normal then. He only refused me once he got the emails.