A certain question was raised as to why and how long I've been hacking into DH's email, and it is a very valid question. I would like to explore that if I may. There was a lot of pain I attached to those emails, and I can't seem to cope with it. Maybe its anger? I don't feel in my heart that it was a revenge plot, but just me seeking answers. I promise to always be open and authentic on this blog, the cupcake recipes? Next blog, next lifetime.
I have lots of issues. I can barely leave the house at times, and that is probably why DH wanted to go alone on his camping trip. There are lots of people there, and I don't know anyone. The experience is way to terrifying for me. I lack the charm to pull off anything nicely. I get trapped in my own head at times, and I just start reacting. I worry of how you all think of me at times, I'm so weird but its a risk I'm willing to take. The rewards of this risk outweighs the bad.
So lets explore one feeling I have. I get abandoned by the ACON online community. For being a freak. I can try and not say anything, but I have to, you know that. Everything has to come out. If I get misunderstood? It has happened before, that feeling I am well aware of. It is not keeping in line with everyone is the thing that counts here. What counts is some sort of recovery, and that can only happen with disclosure. I know in my heart that I have compassion, I feel everything, good and bad. Just some of the things I do might not be so good.
Lets get back to that email. DH and I share emails. After I saw that email I went into his email myself and took it and placed it in my blog. Not a very nice thing to do. My feelings at the time was so over the top, I can't explain that one. Maybe I did have a revenge plot. Maybe. But I think that mostly I wanted some feedback from the others to see if my mind is not playing tricks on me. I'm just developing the ability to self-reference.
I don't want a relationship where I have to control him, no not at all. I want this to be sane. I have worked very hard on things and I was trying so hard, we were getting along so well, everything was darn near perfect then his wacky MN SIL sent him the email, strange things came out of his mouth, and oh I was so terrified. I felt like I was dreaming when everything was going so well. And this bitch went and stole everything. This always happens. Do you know what this feels like? It feels so terrible and empty, and that empty place needs to get filled up.
And no way does he understand. The narc calls and he listens, he does what every other placater does, be a bastard. So I was being mean too. I crossed his boundaries, I mean who cares right? I don't care at that very moment. I forget about the person I am, the work I have done on my self, and head into an area of self-sabotage.
At this point, it doesn't matter if I've hurt him. I don't care about that at all. Let the groupie get hurt, he deserves it. But this is not who I am. I believe in boundaries, I believe in love and kindness, but this was not the behaviour I was displaying at that moment in time.
You know, I don't know what to do when I get dropped off the face of a cliff. I really don't. To get smacked down, then what? Huh? What do you do when your emotional resources are all gone, I had worked so hard to get emotional resources and then it was gone.
I know I can only make the right decisions from a good emotional place. I think I got good at doing that. But how do you handle a crisis? I don't know. I only know the way of the narcissist.
Maybe I am overthinking this. I don't have those moments all the time, and he wasn't being very nice. Maybe normal people do this stuff too in these circumstances. I'm just plagued by a lot of narcs.
ReplyDeleteThanks! There's a LOT in this post but there's some things that hurt you and maybe, just maybe that anger is really hurt and/or fear? I don't know and please, don't let me put words in your mouth so to speak, OK?
ReplyDeleteIt seems to me you really didn't WANT to go to this gathering from the beginning-is that correct? If that is correct, gawd love ya, ya danced all around the mulberry bush to "get out" of going! Joan, you CAN SAY NO!!! Or "No Thanks" and really, it's gonna be OK! And it seems you kinda off-loaded the responsibility for making that decision on him-like he controls what his SIL is gonna write in a email-instead of asking for clarification a la, "Hey, was I even invited?" How is HE responsible for what SHE wrote?! He's not. But there was a handle of sorts for you to yank to *get out of going.* The fact that you hacked into his email-which is, let's face it-sneaky/under handed etc. indicates you know you shouldn't have done this. If you do in fact actually "share emails," why did ya have to hack? Why not just ask him to read that email again to "refresh my memory." ;) It's OK to ask for what you need. Really. We all (ACONs) IMO struggle with Boundaries, our's and others. And here's where trust comes to the forefront. You don't trust him, do you? And/or trust yourself. And if ya go looking for shit, that's EXACTLY how you will interpret *what ever* you
sneakily/underhandedly found out. It's like you already had an agenda or two and then stomped all over his Boundaries to find a "reason" to take umbridge when you actually didn't want to do it in the first place! Joan, look, if he was chatting her up, sending all kinds of provocative emails, or she was sniffin' around your door, he starts keeping all kinds of strange hrs.,etc., well, there's your answer without having to hack anyone's email. I think the boob thing set off some fear, but I could be wrong. That still feels very unresolved to me-but maybe it is. You'll tell me, OK?
I KNOW you hate being alone. I truly get that. When we're alone with our own fears and worries they just get bigger and bigger and bigger. (At least mine do.) And you really wanted him to stay home but you also knew that was unreasonable. (hell yeah it's unreasonable!) He tells you you ARE invited but no dice-that's NOT what you read in(to) the Email to a get together you didn't want to go to in the first place. So, off he goes with you angry (fear!) and he"s unhappy too. What a great vacation for both of you!! ;)
So what's up with all this? It seems you don't trust him, you can't or won't ask for what you needand others can't read our minds.The hacking is a form of theft, Boundary Busting etc. and it didn't leave you feeling good about yourself and feeling even more angry about the email she sent. IMO, the "problem" is between you and the SIL. Holding him responsible for what she wrote is ridiculous, but he's an easier target for you to manage than she is. Starting a fight to get out indirectly the feelings you"re experiencing doesn't bring you closer-it pulls you apart. Do you feel like he's somehow abandoning you?
I'm truly not sending you an "Ouch" OK? wanna make that abundantly clear. How do I handle a crisis? When in doubt, clarify.
Then figure out what's my stuff first.
TW
No, I didn't want to go. The boob thing, meh, if I thought he was hot for his brother's wife, maybe I would do the packing. lol. It was just a red flag for me, I just needed to see if she was a N. They aren't easy to disclose. If she wants to show her boobs now, meh, don't care either. No, really I don't. In fact, if she does show them then maybe he'll open his eyes, and actually be concerned for his brother who is with this freak.
ReplyDeleteNo, I didn't want to go, it was just the way everything played out. I wasn't actually invited, but I was? It was a crazy time, glad that's over. It's ok, I"m doing some quilting and heading into the city for some shopping and visiting. So I am occupied. I feel bad about the email, I truly do. And I wish I would have just asked for it. I could have posted it from memory. I was just being nasty. I'm not coming off totally clean in all this and I could have been clean. She will expose herself at some point in time. But my retaliating is not helping matters. I know I was bad, bad, bad. Crossing boundaries is an ACON trait. Usually people thinks this is a big no no but for us its normal. But I know better. Now that it is all over, I know how I should have been. Totally clean.
I might have taken too much on him regarding the email, but he should have been asking her, "Hey, how come Joan is not included?" That's the part I'm having an issue with. That's what really set me off. The invisibility, trying to make myself visible again. This woman is waving so many red flags, and he is not responsible for her behaviour I know.
I do hate being alone, but its not so bad right now. I mean, its ok. The unreasonable part, doesn't really play a part, I never would have stopped him, just he could have defended me, is all. And then I could say no, on my own, but this decision was taken out of my hands. I did try to clarify the situation before I retaliated, but nothing was done or said, or explained to me. Just bullshit.
I know it was easy for him to read the email as me included. And that's what happened I guess. Just doesn't feel like that. We share emails, but I had to hack in order to copy and paste it into my blog. I got caught, I am not good at being sneaky, I never was. But I did ask for clarification, but I was shut down. He defends this freak, there is no getting out of that. He wouldn't clarify. This was definitely a narc and narc placater moment. But he is not the type to sit down and explain things anyway. It would have been out of character. I don't know. What I am planning to do when he comes back is to keep my mouth shut about the whole thing and listen. Maybe I'll get the whole story.
Thanks TW.
Oops forgot to mention that yes, I did feel abandoned. I still do. I have nothing to do but wait this one out. And listen. I know the gaslighting will continue, it will be important for me to realize this.
ReplyDeleteI don't really think I have trust issues with him at all. I remember my ex used to look at Lady Diana and say she was the most amazing beautiful woman he has ever seen. That sounds plausible right? I mean, she really was, but it messed with my head and made me feel ugly. Then I realize that this was a narcissistic ploy. I never go through that now. He never said his SIL had hot boobs, or was hot, just said he saw them. Even with my ex it wasn't a trust issue, but just made me feel ugly. So I don't think no trust issues.
ReplyDeleteTo chime in with TW I will say that you can make the word "no" a complete sentence. My experience has been that some women that make other women feel threatened would (if they asked a man about her) find out she is not attractive at all. It can have nothing to do with their looks. A good looking but loud mouth bitch is way more unappealing than one that is just not attractive. I guess I am saying don't judge a book by the cover. Men seem to go wild over the Kardashians, But I think they are dogs woof woof.
ReplyDeleteMen go wild over the Kardashian? Wow. But I didn't get to say no. We were making plans to bring the cat and when he got that first email, he told me that I never wanted to go. I told him that 3 years ago. That is a lot of time, and I shouldn't have been held to it. I was wanting to go till I saw she was a narcissist, at that point I didn't want to go. I noticed the email that didn't include me and I asked why. No answer. But he wouldn't listen to me anymore.
ReplyDeleteIts funny that men think they want the most attractive, but it really is the energy a woman puts out. If he likes that he gets attached. We really do pay too much for fancy clothes and makeup and none of that matters. I have studied that. A woman can go on her first date with a guy who is used to fancy, and she can nab him with no makeup and just clothes she feels happy in. Men love happy women, he feels safe with happy women. It makes him feel successful, as though he has something to do with that happiness. If she is moody he feels blamed and will do all he can to escape that feeling.
I'm sorry this story got so loopy, but yeah, thats what happened. It was a good lesson in narcissism and what an ACON goes through though. I did make lots of mistakes through it, and I learned so much. If I was to relive the event, I would have kept myself innocent and clean. Only that way we can expose the narcissist. I think next time I spot a narcissist I will keep myself clean. Hopefully.
I've been doing some reading, and it seems the next tactic she might try will be the guilt, shame me. Make this all my fault, she could retreat into victimhood. This might be the smear campaign.
ReplyDeleteAttractive= High Maintenance
ReplyDeleteGee I could write a novel on the high maintenance. I think if men don't have their freedom taken away from them they are happy.
DeleteI saw this and thought of this post and lemme tell you, we never grow out of it.
ReplyDeletehttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8ObLqNNuviw
I can't get it in my area, can't even find the lyrics anywhere. Just that I think people raised in loving homes don't crash and burn like this. Its hard when your at the end of your rope and now what?
DeleteIt was a bit from a stand up routine from Heather McDonald about how men and women are wired different. Sort of like we are so far apart on how we view things it's a wonder humanity is still alive. I guess the gist was what you find troubling may not show up on his radar.
DeleteThank you, Joan for such kind consideration of my comment. I wish we all had started this life at the same starting line as non-ACs. I hope you (and your kitty) can do some things you really enjoy while he's gone, maybe treat yourself to a little something extra, a little pampering, yk? For me, that might mean pouring some lovely scented something into the bathtub, fill it ALL the way up (ooh, what a luxury!) get in and read or just relax with some good music. Sometimes, I just wanna do "lady stuff" and in privacy! The house is your's to enjoy. And the area looks beautiful. I know you have bears etc. (so do we) but generally they avoid people so I can walk in daylight. Physical exercise helps me calm down, sleep better and feel better.
ReplyDeleteThanks again!
TW
Omg, this morning I put the kitty outside, and there was a fox in the yard. But he made it whew, it was so scary. I took a ride into town last night and got some yummy fruit. Berries and stuff. So I'm going to enjoy that. I slept well, thank you. I wish we had the same starting line too, as the regular people. Sometimes the stuff I do is shocking, and I know it makes me look bad. But try to explain my way through, its hard. I like bubble bath, and walking. Not too scared of the bears, we haven't had one walk into the yard yet,
DeleteThanks TW. Yes, its going to be a good day.