Sunday, December 4, 2016

Finding Answers

So now I am working full time.  This job is with vocational rehab, as I am still with them.  They are monitoring me and my position, but I did get the job on my own merits, so this is very interesting stuff to share.

It is a minimum wage job.  I've been wanting to write more, but my capacity to do so was not there.  I'm dealing with life in a more constructive way, and sometimes that means I have to learn to live with my inabilities.

Its hard for me.  I've struggled with this thing my whole life.  I've never been able to hold onto any type of job, and the learning curve for this job is extremely high.  This is a production job, with time constraints all day long, lots of quotas to meet, pressure and high stress.  My first month there, I witnessed women crying over bullying, another newbie that started the same time as me, well, she was taken to the hospital, she thought she had a heart attack, but it turns out, she just pulled a lot of muscles, and another, and this one is hard to take, well, a girl, has constant seizures, two seizures in one month, and the others think it is the job that is causing that.

So now I guess you can understand why I say this job is terrible, stressful, and overall I get the feeling it is ruled by fear and intimidation, but my voc rehab worker thinks this is just perfect for me. I say that with no tongue in cheek humor, my worker has high regards from everyone in her field. She is a leader in the work that she does, and I've learned to trust her.  Well, sort of, but as best as I can do, I see what she is trying to do.

I remember a therapist I once had, had me do exposure therapy.  This is along the same lines, and I can go see her everyday if I want to, to talk about the job, and work through this.

I'm scared of losing the job.  I told my worker this.  "Why?"  She asked.  Well, I don't think it is working out.  They will get rid of me, like others have done before.  You know, I might have to write this in smaller increments.  This is terrible and I waited too darn long to write it all out and my brain is very foggy of putting it all together.  I might write some shorter writings for awhile, so I can piece back together all that has gone on this whole time.

So when I told my worker I was afraid of losing the job, and that I might not be good at this, she told me, that now we can start to work on the problems, the problems I had working my whole life, it will be painful, but there is no other way, really.

Already, there is starting to unlock some of the illogical thoughts that were plaguing me.  I was treated badly by a supervisor, and my worker said that it was the supervisor's issue, that was going on, it wasn't me.  How to detach me, from what that supervisor did, and how I can see now it was their issue and not mine.

In reality, am I afraid of losing this job?  Am I really?  Well, it is a paying position, with benefits. That's the powerful part.  But I don't need the money, I don't need the benefits, I need to relieve myself of pain and that is all really.

Soon, someday, as I go to my grave, a grave that will not be able to keep me, and I will go on, not even remembering the things that gone on in this life.  Early in my childhood, pain I have suffered, and how I got to the close of that life, and I will not remember, but this blog will carry on the memory of what went on before.  And someone else out there has got to see how this stuff happened to me, how I can recover, and maybe someone else can take this and grow from it too.  Maybe they have been hurt the same way I was, and they are wondering what to do.  I want to grow from this.  I see how confused I was, and the scary stuff my voc rehab worker has me do now, will be amazing.