Saturday, January 14, 2017
So the job finished yesterday, and it went out with a bang. I just wanted to let you know that I got ravings from my employers, even my voc rehab worker is impressed, they told her I was an excellent worker. Isn't that amazing? You know I never questioned it. I think I oughta tell her that I'm not surprised that a person with anxiety would get told that about them. When I think about it, it is the caring, its the drive, and its the purpose, that causes anxiety afterall. I once told her that I would love to meet the rest of her clients with anxiety, but she told me that I can't, its confidential, but it would be great to meet "my people."
We love, we care, and when we don't, its only because extreme anxiety trips us up. I get stuck up against a wall sometimes, barely able to breathe, and its funny, that it's only because I care that I can't even look like I care, if that makes any sense. Anxiety is deceitful, it changes the way people look at us, we look stupid, but all it is, is that we care so much that our abilities to be caring is beyond us.
So I would like to tell you what happened yesterday. I was not looking for revenge on the particular people that I worked with. This sort of fell into my hands, and in a way, justice was done. But I payed the price, my gosh am I sore today. Even my fingers are aching, but I have to type this out, while its still fresh in my brain. Sort of exciting, funny, well you'll get it.
So hubby and I are both home today. He has relinquished the woodstove to my keeping, and I'm so sore, its funny. He took care of it for me last night, letting me go to bed early, but he wanted to sleep in, to get over his nightshift. Plus its been so cold, and the fire is hard to keep going. I'm taking my time, but as always the woodstove is mine to keep. I keep the homefires burning and we like it that way. I'll still be able to have a nap later in the afternoon. I'm so excited, for when Monday morning comes, I won't be able to see the results of the "plan of attack" I did on Friday, it will no doubt go down as the revenge of the nerd.
So here is what happened yesterday. I worked very hard. Harder than I ever worked there to roll out the racks. I was keeping in time, I was doing it well.
First of all, I have to introduce one character into the story. Her name is Iris. Not her real name, I wish I could use real names, I risk losing the point of the story, when I have to change the names, for my brain loses track, but oh well, its close to her real name, and I don't like Iris' I think its a weird looking flower. So its perfect for this story, let's call her Iris.
Well, Iris has never been a person I could talk to, although we worked closely together. I noticed right off how she liked to boss me around, tell me what to do. In the beginning I thought this was only because they don't train us well on this job and she was only helping, but I soon came to the conclusion that she had more of a predatory nature. She would giggle at me, when it looked like I was nervous, she would go and tell the boss that I was not following protocol or when I placed the racks in the way of customers. I was only trying to find a more efficient way to do the job, and like I said they never trained us, so I was trying to come up with ideas on my own. Sometimes it failed badly, but, oh well, I was trying.
But Iris would always report me. Now its funny, because well, this might look helpful, and good intentioned, and I thought so too, way back in the beginning, but other events proved that she had no good intentions towards me. She didn't. In fact, she was only a misfit too, rolling out the racks, but only working part time. So the job was not that terrible for her, she only worked for a couple of hours a day. Rolling out the racks that is.
But she was a misfit, and I couldn't tell how long she had been there, but she told me it was for a long time, on a part time basis. And lots of workers got to do several different tasks, even the newbies. They just started a new employee this week, and she is doing several tasks. In our line up of clothes, it looks like a World War II factory, there are some people pricing, some are doing the tagging, some are making the racks, some of us are rolling the racks onto the floor.
So several of the people bounce around doing all these tasks. Some of us are only doing the racks, the most hated thing there. And Iris is a roller, just like I am. So several newbies got to do the different tasks, and we who only did the rolling hated this. Not that we said anything about it, but I'm sure this hurts the others as it does me. I mean, how could it not?
And shortages of workers don't matter either. We had three people doing the flipping between tasks, now we only have two, but it didn't matter. It doesn't matter, if you roll a rack, you roll a rack "get over it".
So one day I was asked to bounce between tasks. It was quite a few weeks ago, and I didn't think much of it. The supervisor ordered it. So the people in the line had to put up with me. They did, and it was funny, and for what I had learned from reading the blogs, I just continued without feeling horrible about it. So I just continued.
But when Iris showed up at work later that afternoon, she would have none of it. She started bouncing between tasks, not ordered by the supervisor, but on her own accord. And no one was rolling the racks, she noticed, so she ordered me to roll the racks. At the time, I didn't know what to do. I was doing what my supervisor told me, and there was no other direction given. I guess it was assumed she would be rolling the racks, and this scene was not to occur.
I didn't want to deal with it. I could hear "old smirky" say something, then I just went out of line, and rolled the racks. Old smirky was the one who pushed me to do only the racks I shared with you a while back. I didn't want any of it. I had preferred to be out in the store with the customers anyway, I had enough of this exchange, and as long as all the jobs were getting done, the supervisors didn't care. Perhaps my leaving the line was an ACON behaviour, but in a way, my anxiety got triggered over it, and I knew to leave. When my anxiety is out of control, I say and do weird things.
So, I guess, Iris thought she got the best of me. She won. For now. I had several weeks of her bossing me after that, and I couldn't quite understand why she thought it ok to do this to me and not to the other people that worked there. Only me. Maybe they fought back with her and won, I can't tell, but I do know one thing. Iris thought she had higher status than me. Although Iris was a misfit herself, she had decided to play the game. She wanted in, and there was no stopping her, even if it meant hurting me. I would feel better about Iris if she fought back at everyone who started there, but I get the feeling she believed that people went into status or hierarchy, and she felt herself better than me. It was only me she would attack.
It seems strange, for the one who created us, God, never does that. We are all equal, that is just the way it is. It is only people who do the hierarchy, and it stinks. But since God created equality, and he really is the one in charge I think I will go along with Him. He created everyone, and He has still not left His throne. I would rather do what He says.
So I do have a bit of a moral issue with what I did on my last day. But I tell you, it fell into my hands, but modern day Christianity would tell me to not do that. I think Charles Ingalls would do that, and often I would see that in the tv show.
One thing I forgot to mention about Iris is that she would pout right in front of me, stomp her feet at me, when I didn't do as I was told. I think I remember seeing this one other time, when I was in school and the other kids who were misfits would try to get the better of me. And that was in grade school. Regular narcs at the top of the social ladder of hierarchy don't act that way. Only the ones screaming and kicking to climb the ladder. So they would show their power over me that way. I always hated it, and I'm proud to say, that I never participated in it. I actually preferred peace over war. Maybe that's an ACON trait, but its a good trait, I think. I liked to be next to misfits, as then I knew I had some company, and that I wasn't alone, but most of the time they would throw me to the rails to protect the head narc.
So, getting back to what happened yesterday, my last day, I hoped I built up the backstory. Its funny how I didn't see this coming or I would have wrote about it sooner.
I rolled the racks like crazy yesterday. I am sore today. But the rest of the people were happy, and they now think they have me in line, doing what they don't want to do, although I saw Iris rolling the racks too. So we rolled the racks together, and didn't speak to one another at all. I kept myself super busy doing so.
Now, no one, except for a couple of people of my choosing, not the ones in the clothes line, but others who work in the store, who I feel have no bad intentions, know's I've quit. Iris doesn't know, neither does anyone is line. I could tell by their demeanor how they feel they have put me in my place, and won. They even told the supervisor that I would be rolling the racks only, and the supervisor was instructed by me, not to tell anyone I've quit. I've asked her to keep my confidentiality, for I don't want to talk about it with anyone, and she complied to my wishes.
So now everyone thinks they have me in my place. And even Iris would get to do different tasks, but me will be only doing the racks. When three o'clock rolled around, I went quietly over to the supervisor and asked her permission to leave a bit early for I had to clean out my locker, she said "ok". Now as I was leaving, Iris stopped me. She asked, "Are you leaving NOW?" All the while she was pouting and stomping her feet and using a very aggressive tone of voice.
I said, "Yes, why?"
She said, "We still have racks to do."
I said, "Yes, you do." Then I just turned and walked away and proceeded to clean up my locker. Iris never said a word to me. But because I have so much experience in these kinds of things, I'm sure what is going on in her head. She is seething and probably will be seething inside for the whole weekend, and she is planning an attack on me for Monday morning. Isn't that great?
Monday, January 2, 2017
I have a lot to write about but everything seems like its a conglomerate, and I'm having difficulty expressing myself. The other day while getting myself a snack, I was actually at first looking forward to. Then when I got it, I didn't want it. Things like that. I think my emotions are getting badly screwed up, and this job is a pain.
I haven't been eating much at this job. Just one bagel in the morning, at noon, a sandwich, then a quick and hasty dinner at home. I keep wondering, if this is what life is supposed to be about. There is no want nor desire for my hobbies, and relationship issues are no longer on my mind. I said something horrible to my husband just yesterday, which he ignored, thank God, but it was only something that would have come out of my mother's mouth. I won't get into that. There is no point, but my point is, that I am less of myself these days.
I can't help but think that there has got to be better jobs out there. I know I hadn't worked in quite a while, so that might be a part of my problem, it might be. But I can't help feeling humiliated each and every day that I'm there. And now I have to tell my voc rehab worker. I don't know how she will feel about me quitting. I know a lot of people want to quit their jobs, and they only work to survive. But given my emotional state (I have been emotionally molested as a child) it is very difficult for me. I don't like to be a weakling, but this job is impossible for me. And I can't explain it to my worker, she will not understand where I'm coming from. She sees anxiety as something that needs to be worked through.
She tries to guide me. She knows a lot about mental illness, a whole lot, but she has no idea of what I'm going through. I noticed my thoughts are screwy, and she thinks that it only takes some counselling and we can work our way through. And she believes everyone has been traumatized, and it is worth the effort to get better.
I have no desire to try to fix this anymore. I wish I could just avoid everything. Avoid her, avoid going to work tomorrow, and just give right up. But, if I were to do that, then the last couple of months of suffering would have meant nothing. I'll only be where I started, and really worse for wear. I can't tackle things emotionally, it seems like there is this huge blockage.
For me, being able to go anywhere or do anything, is terribly difficult. I grew up on a farm, which I barely left as a child. I used to go to school, only to come back on the bus promptly. Mother preferred me to stay at home. I know know, that is only because I would always be on hand for when she needed to extract supply, so that is the really creepy reason.
Besides all that, I do go out everyday. The pound of my bosses to be at work ontime, overrides my need to stay at home right now. Lots of employees arrive to work a few minutes late, and its ok for them. It only means minutes off the paycheck and they have other things to do I guess. But for me it would be tormenting to even think of being late. I wish I could just be that much of a screwup, it would be of great value to me. To not do what I'm told to do, is what I must do, but I can't.
So I think I follow protocol everyday, for I'm scared of the repercussions if I don't do as I'm told. The pain of it all is extremely terrifying, it gets me no where. I can't override this, not ever. This is the terrible reality of child abuse, it does not ever go away.
So I'll go see my worker tomorrow, and I'll tell her I need something else. I won't get into a lot of the details with her about it, for if I do, she would have a quick remedy. Of course she will! This is what the mental health community is designed to do. But they are not remotely aware of the pain, or my pain. They think we avoid it, like an alcoholic will avoid the fact that he has to stop drinking, but it's more than that, isn't it? Its more like telling me to die in extreme agony and pain, then placate me by telling me that it will be ok. But its not ok is it?
My tummy is still rather jumbled. But I think I picked the worst position I could ever do. I have to listen to the supervisors tell other employees that it is hard to roll the racks all day, but keep me doing the same job all day long! Its nonsensical and callous and hateful. Then when I tell them I'm tired they make me do a timesheet! I will tell my worker this. I know she will tell me to express myself, but its impossible. One of the worst things of this upbringing is it made me so able to hide my true feelings.
Just like when a freak comes and makes a comment to us, to block our feelings, be happy. It is just like my mother. It has never helped me then, it will not help me now.
It was a conversation I just had with my eldest daughter. She told me that she is in a lot of pain due to hypermobility syndrome, more than I am. I told her, no, actually, I blasted her, "How the heck would you know that, how the heck would I even know that." She looked at me then stopped to say anything else. In such heat of emotion, I'm not sure, but I think I got my point to her. I can keep secrets, even from myself.
Then there is the fact that I hardly know anything about life, about people. The neighbours were in the yard playing, right in front of us, on the road, and I could see them, and they were very close. I wanted to go out there and tell them to go away. I wanted to tell them I don't like people much, I hope you can understand. I don't like it when your dog comes and visits me when I'm hanging out the laundry, and you walk over here, to collect your dog, and maybe I just don't want any dealings with you. I hope you can understand, don't take it badly, its how I feel, have a nice day.
I wanted to, but I knew not to. Somehow, I have to go around placating people and prove to other people that I'm not really a bitch.
That's the part of authenticity that really gets to me. I don't know, but sometimes maybe we can't be authentic. I'm just feeling grouchy today, and I know I'll have to get a lot deeper than this, but its back to work tomorrow, and I'm feeling grumpy.