I Sorted Out The Mess, I Think

Here is how the whole thing played out.  It happened so crazy like and I was dealing with my emotions, so in order:

1. We were getting along fabulously.  He had been getting emails from his SIL and it looked like they were trying to synchronize everyone's holidays.
2. I'm not sure why he was not talking to me about it, but it didn't seem to bother me at this point, as I was sure he was just trying to see if they can book their holidays together first, in case it couldn't happen.  
3. A few days later he opened it again and said to me, "I'm going to ####, you can come if you want."
4. I said, "Um, you mean you planned a holiday without consulting with me first?
5. He said, "Yeah, I want to go there."
6. I said, "I would prefer if we could have spoken together about this first."
7. He turned around directly in his chair and said he was going, and I could come if I want.
8. I didn't know what bee was in his bonnet but I was determined to find out.  So I said to him, "Yeah, I'll go."
9. He gave me the dates and I just said, ok.
10. I proceeded to talk of the little holiday we were having together, here and there, whatever I was doing, I would bring it up.  But he always seem to say that he was going.  He didn't deny me directly at this point, he only said that he was going.
11. One day I said to him, "Why I can't go?".
12. He said he didn't say that.
13. I asked him what was going on.  And no response.
14. Around this time, I saw the email and my heart nearly left my chest.  THEY ALL WERE LEAVING ME OUT.
15. He told me of an event that happened years ago (I'll explain that in a minute)
16. The war started that I talked about in my post "I'm Still Learning."

This is all the best I can remember.  I didn't like when he said, "I didn't say that."  That was horrible of him.

In number 15 of my list I said an event that happened years ago.  He brought it up.  He was very angry, which was confusing to me as we were getting along so well.  We actually did go to that camp years ago, and I told him I wasn't going ever again, seeing as he had totally ignored me while I was there. Now this was before I was awakened.  This was before I got any education on narcissists or relationships.  This was before any change in me had come, I lived totally and was ruled totally by my fears.  Also, we had only known eachother for about 6 months.

Mostly, I got angry with him on that trip alot.  I felt as though he ignored me.  Now, it stands to reason that someone like me, with my issues, would feel ignored no matter what.  And it was hard for people to understand.  Truth was, I was hard, cold, and very cerebral (in reality, just completely terrified of rejection).  I know this feeling very well because it makes me feel dead and dull.  Focused only on myself.  I always felt like there was something wrong with me.  I used to be deadly serious and when I first attempted to be playful, I was worried that it would come off as awkward, so it did.

Bad nerves, I couldn't function normally, I remember what I was like.  I could stand in a corner and not say anything for the longest time, and he wanted to be social.  I can't do that, so I would blame him for making me feel bad.  Afterall, what the heck was he doing?  Leave me alone.  But he never left me and became my husband which is something that I'll never understand.

Its ok.  I don't blame myself for any of that.  But if you think a woman like that is no problem, then perhaps I didn't explain it well enough.  I know this doesn't sound too bad, but I assure you the most loving man would have ran from me.  But my husband stayed around.  He wasn't milking supply, I'm not sure what he was doing, but he seemed to know a lot of what was going on with me and saw through some of my bullshit.

The long term effects of my emotional molestation was soul death, and that is what was happening to me.  But I don't blame myself for it, you see, as I see myself who came out of a horrible war, and I haven't lost my voice and I am able to communicate.  That is the victory.  It didn't kill me.  I'm typing this right?  All that stuff about my behaviour is ok then.

Nothing I did on that trip gives anyone excuse for treating me this way now.

To get out of that I had to practice being kind to myself and just shut off my brain.  I needed to stop trying and just embrace life and myself.  Thoughts were a killer for me.  My mind was always racing. It still does.  Even through this stuff I'm going through right now.  I have to somehow "mechanically" keep the skills I've learned going.  This isn't easy.  I wake up each and every day going through this hell, with a spouse who thinks I'm just like everyone else.  But for me, it may always have to search through a huge heap to find my emotions and feel which ones are actually mine, and not dictated to me by programming.

All my friends online in the ACON community has shown so much patience for me.  I look through my old postings, some of them look like they are written by an adult woman with a good education, some look like they are written by a 10 year old.  I guess it depends on how well I am on that particular day.  But it is all authentic and that is all that counts.

So, why is he using this on me?  I actually do have some insight into that.  I think he has always been his SIL's flying monkey.  And now it is time for me to be the target.  I don't like to be targeted.  I went back to my emotions again.  I look at the email again.

So ### and I will be off Friday Aug 21 till we'd Sept 2...you coming to camp??

planning on going ,will be leaving on the 27th , leave me a list of what you want me to bring , have to work on sept 2

I'm not sure I got most of it covered...maybe stuff for sandwiches if you want to eat some fishing any snacks you want..we always bring to much anyway...see ya soon

Doesn't he sound pathetic to you?  He put his arms around me in bed last night and I had to push him away.  He asked me, "What's wrong."  I"m thinking, "Who the hell is he kidding.  I was grossed out, I was disgusted with him, I am disgusted with him.  This big tough bushman, a friggin flying monkey. This woman has him by the balls.  I can't tell you what this is doing inside my body.  And he couldn't even say that, "I'm planning on going, I will be leaving......."  Such a chicken shit.  He can't even be a man and leave me out.  He had to hide it.  Do flying monkeys not exhibit narc behaviour when they are around a narc?

I haven't been able to find their old emails, just those three, but I wonder now what they were discussing before this.  I thought they were talking about synchronizing their holidays.  I know he was talking to his SIL and I hate this, I have very old fashioned values, but I let it go because we were getting along so well.  I guess that was my first mistake.  They won't be doing this again.  I know how to stop that one, MN and flying monkey or not.  I might write about that.

I would like to talk about the time we went to that camp years ago.  Besides my behaviour, I have clarity now, maybe it had something to do with the way I was acting on that trip.  Something didn't seem good about this woman.

Along with the other things I have mentioned previously in last post, one day, her husband had a hard time adjusting the tv.  She was very testy, nasty, impatient with him.  In my world, I don't do that. Maybe women that are butches do that sort of thing, I don't know.

Also, too, the day we were leaving, and they were leaving too, she seemed to have this need to clean up the whole place.  Wash the floor and everything.  She seemed to enjoy sashaying everyone outside early, and was rather bossy about it.  I don't know why I felt so bad about that but I felt the eggshells under my feet.  Just hard to explain.

On the way back home, with my soon to be husband.  I started talking about my own SIL.  Omg, they are like the same.  They are both malignant narcissists.  Now, I wasn't awake at the time this was happening, but MN's always make me feel the same.  Its eggshell walking time.

Of course I hadn't mentioned that to him, but I remembered thinking how I had lost attraction to him during this "vacation".  All this tough guy and this trip seemed to make him into a wimp.  lol I'm living in a time now where women call eachother wimps, but I don't live like that.  I'm having great pain for thinking my husband is being a wimp.

I don't like to think like that of any man.  Even now, its like, "ick, gross."  And when he gets home tonight he'll talk about his job and its a tough man job, but I can't help but feel less attracted to him anyway. Why did I marry him after this trip?  I don't know, I guess it was a whole lot of other things were happening at the same time, a lot to do with mother.

Authentically, I want him to lay down the law to his SIL for not inviting me.  Then tell her we are not going, and we make plans for his holidays together.  But to tell the truth, for me to tell him to do that, will not be the point.  I need him to just be like that.  If he did that my blood won't be running cold anymore when he comes near me.

So now I have to deal with this flying monkey that I'm committed to.  I know I'll have to talk to him about it.  Something terrifies me about that.  Oh yeah, it was because of my ex husband.  After a conversation with him, he always looked at me and said he didn't listen and he didn't care.That is the last thing I want to hear now.

Reminding my husband that he is committed to me and needs to be working on it, is something I don't want to do.  So he stays committed to me because now he has to?  I now have to force him?  If I did that then I might as well just get the snippers to cut off his "you know what".  Ick, ew, again.  I want him to be strong enough to tell ME what to do about this, and as long as he has all the right and good intentions, I will do it.  I don't want this crap I'm facing now.

But he is a flying monkey.  I can't get past that.  Of course, none of that is logical.  Does someone become a willing flying monkey?  Or is it something deep seated in his emotions.  Something he can't pull away from?

One big item I cannot leave out.  Something his SIL doesn't know.  I am awake and aware.  And it is this one thing that might trip her up.  Now it stand to reason that she may have sent him that email to cause some horrible grief with us. I don't know exactly what she was trying to do, she is one of the masters of the narc realm.  Me seeing or not seeing the email, doesn't matter, somehow she had managed to "dirty me up" to him.  And he bought it, hook, line and sinker.

But how would the "old me" would have reacted?  Of course, I would have had the same feelings I do right now, but with no tools to handle it.  He would have somehow felt he needed to take me.  But I would have went.  Either that or forced him to stay at home and he would have been angry.

The new me?  I cannot go on this trip.  She doesn't know I'm awake and aware.  She is somewhere right now feeding on this narcissistic supply even though it is in her own head.  She doesn't know I'm writing, getting things off my chest, getting better.  She doesn't know that!  But I cannot go on this trip.

If it comes down to it, he will go on this trip alone then she will not be able to hide her shit.  Usually my hurt would cover a narc pretty well making me the bad guy (advice from q1605).  Now she will be left exposed.  I'm not going to cover it up.

Bottom line, I do not go on that trip!  No matter what it takes, ot matter what I do, I do not go.  And its not because they left me out and I'm hurt over that.  It's because this is a MN, probably one of the masters.  In other words, YOUR FRIENDLY NEIGHBOURHOOD MALIGNANT NARCISSIST. The most cunning and most evil, one where the mask hardly ever slips if it ever does, the one that gets the most praise and is the most dearly loved by the masses.

Perhaps other in-laws will find out about this.  Of course, the narc won't be questioned about it (they can never do anything wrong, puke).  I will most certainly be asked why I didn't go.  You know what I'll say?  It's ok for me to say that I wasn't invited but my husband was.  It ain't a friggin lie.  It's the truth, people need to learn to start handling the truth.  I'm tired of the bullshit, I can't take it anymore. If someone doesn't treat me decently, then it is my decision to either feed that or move on, hey, and listen, I ain't the jackass whisperer.

And I won't add to that.  Any more question will be met with a "uh-huh".  If they say it was a misunderstanding, if they say she is a good person, I'll try not to puke and just say "uh-huh".

That's it!  It isn't revenge.  I don't even care about how my husband feels about this.  I don't care if he thinks I'm trying to sew discord into his family, like mine, I don't care what anyone says.  Tired of the bullshit, is tired of the bullshit.

Yes, I'm feeling very helpless, out of my element.  This is the time of the feminized man.  He needs me to prop him up and help him out.  ew yuck.  Ok, I might have to do that.  It isn't going to be easy giving the way I feel about him.  I go to bed very late now, after he is asleep.  That is how grossed out I feel.

I understand that maybe he felt rather rejected over me saying I never wanted to go on that trip again. That might have been what started this.  This was the leverage.  It also might be the leverage I need to fix this.  So now I have to help him feel accepted.  Yes, this will be hard.  I am angry over the whole thing.  Maybe a part was my fault, we have never dealt with our past mistakes.  We just moved on from then.  Well, he tried, then he felt bad anyway.

I don't have to know what his SIL did, or what happened.  I can start where he feels rejected and now I have to help him feel accepted.  This is hard stuff.  This is what I'm committed to do anyway.  HE WILL PROBABLY BE GOING ON THIS TRIP WITHOUT ME.  And this I have to accept. He is in asshole mode and the only way to get him out of that is to help him feel accepted?  It will take all my strength.

But I have my feelings.  I've been in a horrible state for days.  Even my very coveted self care is in a don't care mood.  Everything came apart while I was trying to sort through this.  But I'm glad I did.

Btw, the video I posted is amazing.  I watched it about 20 times.  Yep, seriously.