A Day to Vent

I have a lot to write about but everything seems like its a conglomerate, and I'm having difficulty expressing myself.  The other day while getting myself a snack, I was actually at first looking forward to.  Then when I got it, I didn't want it.  Things like that.  I think my emotions are getting badly screwed up, and this job is a pain.

I haven't been eating much at this job.  Just one bagel in the morning, at noon, a sandwich, then a quick and hasty dinner at home.  I keep wondering, if this is what life is supposed to be about.  There is no want nor desire for my hobbies, and relationship issues are no longer on my mind.  I said something horrible to my husband just yesterday, which he ignored, thank God, but it was only something that would have come out of my mother's mouth.  I won't get into that.  There is no point, but my point is, that I am less of myself these days.

I can't help but think that there has got to be better jobs out there.  I know I hadn't worked in quite a while, so that might be a part of my problem, it might be.  But I can't help feeling humiliated each and every day that I'm there.  And now I have to tell my voc rehab worker.  I don't know how she will feel about me quitting.  I know a lot of people want to quit their jobs, and they only work to survive. But given my emotional state (I have been emotionally molested as a child) it is very difficult for me. I don't like to be a weakling, but this job is impossible for me.  And I can't explain it to my worker, she will not understand where I'm coming from.  She sees anxiety as something that needs to be worked through.

She tries to guide me.  She knows a lot about mental illness, a whole lot, but she has no idea of what I'm going through.  I noticed my thoughts are screwy, and she thinks that it only takes some counselling and we can work our way through.  And she believes everyone has been traumatized, and it is worth the effort to get better.

I have no desire to try to fix this anymore.  I wish I could just avoid everything.  Avoid her, avoid going to work tomorrow, and just give right up.  But, if I were to do that, then the last couple of months of suffering would have meant nothing.  I'll only be where I started, and really worse for wear.  I can't tackle things emotionally, it seems like there is this huge blockage.

For me, being able to go anywhere or do anything, is terribly difficult.  I grew up on a farm, which I barely left as a child.  I used to go to school, only to come back on the bus promptly.  Mother preferred me to stay at home.  I know know, that is only because I would always be on hand for when she needed to extract supply, so that is the really creepy reason.

Besides all that, I do go out everyday.  The pound of my bosses to be at work ontime, overrides my need to stay at home right now.  Lots of employees arrive to work a few minutes late, and its ok for them.  It only means minutes off the paycheck and they have other things to do I guess.  But for me it would be tormenting to even think of being late.  I wish I could just be that much of a screwup, it would be of great value to me.  To not do what I'm told to do, is what I must do, but I can't.

So I think I follow protocol everyday, for I'm scared of the repercussions if I don't do as I'm told.  The pain of it all is extremely terrifying, it gets me no where.  I can't override this, not ever.  This is the terrible reality of child abuse, it does not ever go away.

So I'll go see my worker tomorrow, and I'll tell her I need something else.  I won't get into a lot of the details with her about it, for if I do, she would have a quick remedy.  Of course she will!  This is what the mental health community is designed to do.  But they are not remotely aware of the pain, or my pain.  They think we avoid it, like an alcoholic will avoid the fact that he has to stop drinking, but it's more than that, isn't it?  Its more like telling me to die in extreme agony and pain, then placate me by telling me that it will be ok.  But its not ok is it?

My tummy is still rather jumbled.  But I think I picked the worst position I could ever do.  I have to listen to the supervisors tell other employees that it is hard to roll the racks all day, but keep me doing the same job all day long!  Its nonsensical and callous and hateful.  Then when I tell them I'm tired they make me do a timesheet!  I will tell my worker this.  I know she will tell me to express myself, but its impossible.  One of the worst things of this upbringing is it made me so able to hide my true feelings.

Just like when a freak comes and makes a comment to us, to block our feelings, be happy.  It is just like my mother.  It has never helped me then, it will not help me now.

It was a conversation I just had with my eldest daughter.  She told me that she is in a lot of pain due to hypermobility syndrome, more than I am.  I told her, no, actually, I blasted her, "How the heck would you know that, how the heck would I even know that."  She looked at me then stopped to say anything else.  In such heat of emotion, I'm not sure, but I think I got my point to her.  I can keep secrets, even from myself.

Then there is the fact that I hardly know anything about life, about people.  The neighbours were in the yard playing, right in front of us, on the road, and I could see them, and they were very close.  I wanted to go out there and tell them to go away.  I wanted to tell them I don't like people much, I hope you can understand.  I don't like it when your dog comes and visits me when I'm hanging out the laundry, and you walk over here, to collect your dog, and maybe I just don't want any dealings with you.  I hope you can understand, don't take it badly, its how I feel, have a nice day.

I wanted to, but I knew not to.  Somehow, I have to go around placating people and prove to other people that I'm not really a bitch.

That's the part of authenticity that really gets to me.  I don't know, but sometimes maybe we can't be authentic.  I'm just feeling grouchy today, and I know I'll have to get a lot deeper than this, but its back to work tomorrow, and I'm feeling grumpy.