Saturday, October 31, 2015
Since it is Halloween time, I am going to tell you a scary story. This is a true story that trumps any story Hollywood could come up with. It is about my mother.
One evening, when I was still living in my apartment, she was sleeping overnight . I noticed she had went to bed without taking her medications. I had to get her up out of bed. Oh boy, why did I even bother, why did I care? What came next is that I wish I would have left her alone.
The living room was dimly lighted. I went and got her out of bed, and she came walking down the hallway towards the livingroom, bare boobs, and I got her to sit down. She didn't say anything. She had this very strange look on her face. I got the feeling in my body, that I had better be careful. It was one of those moments, where I had to play a balancing act. Give her loads and loads of attention, coo at her, say to her that it was very important to take her meds, but in no way cross the line into making her wrong. I did what every dutiful daughter does at that time, and just said that it wasn't her fault, but she forgot to take her meds, oops, forgot is the wrong word. I had to say that she was too busy to take her meds.
Through this whole time she did not say anything. Not a thing at all. Just looked over at me quietly, then looked away, with this very mean smile, smirk. Yes, I think that's what I'll call it the smile smirk. She enjoyed all this attention from me, my gosh does that make me special? For to her I was not special enough for her to enjoy my attention. But see the smirk frown. Yes, I'll call it a smirk frown, for it is not a smile.
Its scary. I'm trying to come up with words for it, smirk frown. I like that, except, its evil, scary. Ok, evil, scary, smirk, frown. Now I have to come up with a word that joins up all those words.
But it was terrifying. So much so, that I didn't even want to look. But looking is wrong, not looking is wrong, she was not in the mood for me to get it wrong, gotta get it right.
She was being a receiver of all this attention, but the commander too, I must have followed the protocol correctly that night, for she went back to bed after I had dished out her meds. I remembered that I didn't mention her being naked, or anything like that.
But I remembered the look. Since the room was so dimly lighted I did not want more lights on. Everything changes when she is giving that look. How was this the same mommy that made me hot chocolate and took care of me? But it was, it surely was.
I've seen that look many times in my life. You have to look away, but be careful, don't get caught looking away. She was in suspended animation, she would maintain that look for a long time. Except for when company would come to the door, and it would suddenly be tea and crumpets. I suddenly realized why I loved visitors showing up at the door when I was growing up.
I have this weird memory that I don't know what to make of. I'm not sure if it was a dream or not, but just one day, a few weeks back, I can remember 3 people staring at me, with "those eyes". Except the eyes were way more pronounced than ever. Big and wide, and half their faces. And it was like they were 'gone" and just doing that and it freaked me out.
Just before that I was at a bible study, where 2 people are narcs. I can't tell you where on the spectrum they are on, but one is more severe, and the other less so. Well, maybe. But I think that they are on the same spot on the narcissistic spectrum, just that one might be more smarter, which is the covert one. The covert one, all I have to do is take one look at her husband and I can see the whipped little doggy. She has a "stupid" son, who has pronounced anxiety, and one time I tried to talk to him, he was unaware that I was even standing there. I have to say, "hi", many times to get his attention.
Anyway, I trailed off. That vision came to me right after the bible study. The narcs were being nice and human that night and I was starting to doubt the whole thing about narcissism. Maybe it was just my imagination......then bam the vision.
We have 2 that work at our food bank as well. When I go there to work, I used to freak out. Not so much anymore. Since I know who the narcs are in my little circle, I was thinking that maybe I'll do a scientific study on them. First I'm going to be collecting data, that is, information, on who they are and what they did to prove to me that they are narcs. As I go about my life, I will do this.
Today I brought some food to the food bank from the church. We were having a meeting, so I tried to make more observations, but I came up blank, they were acting nice. No observations, other than being nice. So for now, I have a blank.
When I got back home, and some hours later, I realized something. The covert shit when on right in front of my eyes, and I missed it.
We are terribly out of money. We had to stop giving our clients food vouchers for the month, at least for now, until things improve. In order to inform the clients of this our main director wrote a message and left it on the desk for the clients to read.
So, one of the MN's said that she took sign down, and rewrote it, because it wasn't compassionate enough. She could make it more compassionate, for so and so wasn't compassionate at all. So she wrote a more compassionate letter that was a whole page, bolded and taped down on the desk. I remember reading it, but I don't remember what it said. It was too mushy, and too unnecessary, and I'm sure now, that the first note that the director wrote was fine.
People are mushy sometimes, and its ok right? I mean, if it fully authentic of them, and it brings value, but to write a cheesy letter like that was out of the norm for this freaky woman. And our director was being put down as though she is a cold person, and I know that she is not. The clients needed the food vouchers, and we are unable to give them, and no amount of cooing is going to make up for that.
They need the funds raised, and we are trying to do that. I thought I had this good scheme going on, I have my DH and another guy at his job donating 20$ from each of the guys pay, which the company meets the donation amount, as long as they do it through this particular charity. It doesn't seem like the food bank is getting this money though and I'm having trouble trying to find out what's going on with that. Its a strange world we live in.
So this experiment is hard. I prayed to God, what is going on? I can't pin them down. And when they are being nice, I'm thinking they are ok, and I think it was God that gave me that vision, to save me. To help me not to forget, that narcs are going to slip in and out of my conscienceness, I will see them as normal every now and again. I might even believe for awhile that they are normal, but I am not to forget what they are.
I believe in no contact with narcs. But I can't escape them entirely. I'm watching them interact with human people and I've been observing this for awhile now. It used to make me feel very creepy, and my nerves used to go crazy, but not so much anymore.
That vision has locked in my head, and because of it, I will not doubt the existence of narcs again. It is, afterall, important to my recovery. I mean, if it wasn't narcs that caused me so much distress all my life, then I am back to not knowing what caused it. Then I will have to believe that it was Me who did this to myself. That vision gave me back my freedom, creepy as it was.
Its when narcs act like humans it confuses me. But it is still there, the narcissism. Just like with the "compassionate note". I mean these things have to work hard at keeping their secret. But what about the less covert narc? They don't seem to be keeping secrets at all.
Here's what my view of narcs have become. Some are very overt. They go right over the top, then they simmer down and make you a cake. Then there are the very covert ones, that seem knowledgeable and sweet and they have whipped husbands and sons. I have never met that woman's daughter but I can venture a guess that she is the golden child. Her son is the scapegoat, but he might be lost, I can tell by the look in his face. He is only 35, can he wake up from this? I don't know what I can do.
I am trying to stay awake and aware of narcs, but its hard. Its kinda like I enter a dream state and lose it. It was freaky. I was starting to doubt the existence of narcs then bam one freaky vision. I don't have visions. I don't have a religion like that. So I don't know.
Its time for me to accept the truth. There is narcissism. There are tons of them flooding the world. We might find a few survivors, but watch out there are zombies too. I'm not talking of the mentally ill people, but the ones who are followers of narcs. That woman's son might be gone though.
I feel like I want to talk of recovery all the time. Then I want to talk of narcs. Because they are out there, and I need to be aware and keep being aware. If you want, you can walk away from the narcs and zombies, they don`t matter. There is no value in it.
But anyway, I just reached down to touch my leg, and I remembered the texture of a pair of pants that I used to own. I don't have them now, not for years. But that memory is not vague, I used to own those textured pants. Just like the memory of the freaks is not vague.
You know, I don't know what I'm getting at with all this. I just am blurting out stuff. But this is a pretty good Halloween story don't you think? I am hoping for a big discussion on narc peek-a-boo, I need all the help I can get.
Wednesday, October 28, 2015
I'm very sick today. It started last night, and today, I'm alone and sick. DH is at work, he is sick himself, and he spent 2 days gathering wood with his brother for our winter wood supply. My son was going to come out and help them, but he just started his new winter job, so he is out of town.
My throat is very sore. I'm home alone, and the doctor's office is an hour's drive away, and we are expecting heavy rains today, about 40 mm. So I think I'll just stay home and rest. There are chores to do, and it feels like torture not to get up off my butt and do them, only that I don't feel well. I suppose a lot of people feel like that but I feel so guilty.
Yesterday I went grocery shopping, and DH asked me to pick them up some sandwiches at the coffee shop and coffee and drop them off at the wood lot. When I left I didn't see their truck! I was in a panic, for I couldn't give them sandwiches if I didn't know where they were. I told myself to not panic, that on the way back, I will surely see them.
I was still in a state of panic for I forgot to buy milk at the grocery store and had to go back in. I was afraid of looking like a doofus. We are a small town. I went and bought the sandwiches and coffee and prayed that I would see their truck by the woodlot, and this time I calmed my nerves and I did see the truck! I stopped and pulled over and gave them the food. We chatted for a bit, then I went home and unloaded the groceries, and made a nice pot of homemade soup.
Since we are both sick, I am wondering if I should serve the soup for dinner tonight again, since I have such a huge pot. Ah yes, years of poverty, I can eat the soup for a week straight but DH cannot. Actually, he thinks me strange for doing things like that. He wants a fresh meal every single day and now I'm sick like a dog, but so is he. I'm wondering if this is on the "pleasing" scale. For surely, we must do these chores, we can't just do what we want. So, I must just feel my way through again.
Today, I have my quilting guild and I'm too sick to go. My friend called me and she'll just let me know what they did, so that was taken care of. I might be contagious so I don't want to spread it around. So even cooking food tonight might be hard. I will have some of the soup for lunch today and I'll serve it tonight too, with some grilled cheese sandwiches, I think DH will like that.
Well the quilt on the clothesline finally dried yesterday, and I have put it away for the winter. It almost took a whole week to dry, because of the weather.
Lots of things in life take time. DH is starting to respect me more. Even to the point of looking ashamed when he says things to me he knows he shouldn't. Just like if I say a high value woman isn't beautiful, for in her heart she knows she is beautiful so don't go there. It feels foolish for a normal person to cross that boundary.
So DH has been changing, but it is more in the area of respect he is changing. Respect is great but it is not enough for me. Sure he can respect me, but we don't feel commitment towards people we respect at least not all of the time, I want the passion. So I am sitting here with just respect. Gee whiz, he probably respects his boss, and that is what I have with him?
I went and read some more info on my relationship site. Apparently, some things in life can be the end result (meaning that's all I'll have from him is respect) or it can be part of the journey. I'm hoping it is part of the journey for, well, I guess, I'll have to have respect first. I mean afterall, it is part of the passion I am wanting right? But there are no guarantees. And no one can give me a guarantee, that I'll get what I want. This is life.
So let's just say that this is part of it. So what is next. Well, there is such a thing as me escalating the commitment.
First of all, there is exactly another woman just like me on the relationship site. She wants everything that I want. I remember reading something that she wrote about her husband, he told her that she is inconvenient. Hoo boy. She is a banker, making tons of money, about the sweetest person I've ever met, and her husband is just like mine! One day she posted on facebook, that she is feeling needy again. I'm just taken aback for I've seen her picture, this woman is young and gorgeous, makes a lot of money, and is getting the same treatment at home as me. I love her for not being an enabler, she is not one of those women.
I have to say that she is probably not an ACON for a lot of us struggle with poverty, but she is one of those ladies that I am drawn to for her authenticity. But she is doing the same things that I have to do. Except she probably doesn't have to struggle with bad nerves. Mother used to tell me that I looked stupid and mother used to mistreat me in public, it is a struggle just to go to get groceries.
So as I struggle through those emotions, at least I know that I got at least some respect from DH. But one thing that I must remember from my site is that he will be testing me. At times he will be a jerk and that I am to still hold my ground, that is, feel hurt. The tendency for me is to block any pain that I'm feeling. I know that this comes straight from mother!
Even now, I'm so sick from this sore throat. I feel a state of panic. Or vulnerability for being sick. Mother used to tell me that I was just doing that for attention. Oh gee, is that a narcissistic projection? I remember the howling she used to do at that time. When I get sick I have to learn to calm my nerves down too. Everything, every single little thing sends me into panic. I hate that bitch!
Monday, October 26, 2015
I want to tackle a subject that was such a blur to me. Modern psychology does not seem to have any answers to. I have been wondering about this all my life. I have talked to therapists but I was stuck trying to figure it out on my own. Now, I've gleaned this information, and I believe it is very pertinent to the emotionally abused. For you go through life being abused some more and it seems like there is no stopping it. One of my favorites was a topic in sex. What do you do when you are angry with him and don't want to have sex and he does? And you want to talk about it, but he is not willing to talk. And he is bugging you but you went to bed to get a good night's sleep.
Its funny. I don't have all the answers, but I have the answers that are suitable for me. I think this posting is for men too.
I'll leave out the part where he is being a jerk. Yes, he could probably be a jerk or acting like one, or he could be a full blown malignant narcissist, but that doesn't help you get out of any pain right now. So I'll try to take this deeper.
In my perfect little world, no one gets to say words without meaning. Like "co-dependent" for I feel that word was slapped on me ruthlessly by the world. Or any word like that. Or "lazy". Is it just me or does it sound lazy to call someone lazy? Grrr, what does this all mean?
Well, first of all in order to enlighten the topic somewhat, I would like to tell you that as a woman in a marriage, I believe you need to cultivate sexual energy and desire. If you don't feel it, and don't want to do it anymore, you are asking your husband to become your roomate, maybe a doctor can help, but barring any medical complications it is possible to generate this desire. You can pray, I really don't suggest pornography, that's not me. But that in itself is a whole other topic.
But most important do not try to think like you have to do what he wants simply because you don't want to appear that you are playing games or that you are afraid you are acting like a narc who uses sex to get what she wants. For that happened to me. I used to live where I was always on pleasing mode. I never wanted to appear selfish, so I did things that were selfish and all about me in order to not appear selfish. My whole thinking was backwards.
Hey listen, the key here is to remember authenticity. This is a struggle for an ACON in itself. I have learned to trust that I won't be doing anything wrong when I am being authentic. It might not feel good to be authentic, I know its hard, but just feel your way through.
Maybe you feel like too much time has passed since the last time you had sex with your husband. You are worried that you have been holding on to resentment too long, and you need to get over it. Hey, I know what this feels like. But don't worry. Distance doesn't erase love, time doesn't erase love, only being fake will do it. If you try to become something that you are not, or you are faking (which is not the same as generating a desire within yourself) that is where things will go wrong.
I know exactly what it feels like when you have been blamed for everything that goes wrong. Like I had the nazi voice going on inside my head and I feel horrible about myself. Better have sex with him or he'll be angry with me. Just take time to breathe in that that thought, that now has become an emotion of fear. It feels sick. Isn't that just a real mean thought to have of yourself? Do you really deserve it? Of course you don't deserve it. You are loving, and kind and caring. Enough so, that this is a gift that needs to be given by you, not yanked away from you ruthlessly.
You know that you can authentically generate the desire within you (absolutely), but something has happened, some misunderstanding, whatever, you can't get through it right now, its ok. Love will not fade during this time. If you want to maintain the course and flow and go through those emotions, it takes time. It is a danger right now to think that if you don't do it, he'll hate me, its ok those are programmed thoughts. Of course you didn't come up with this by yourself. This horrible thought is not you. Only you get to be the gift, no one else.
But he does want to have sex, so why should I just get my own way? Ok, this one is truly complicated, but I'll give it a try. No, this is not about getting your own way. Programmed thoughts. I mean, realistically do you really think that is what you are trying to do? No, you have been told that, but it simply isn't true. You are a loving and giving person. Imagine an engine that won't turn over. The battery is dead. The battery is a much easier part to replace (and cheaper too) than the engine. That is all we have to think about when we are dealing with relationship problems. That is it. Don't think you need an engine overhaul or throw yourself into a mental crisis over something that is quite easily fixed.
The battery is an investment anyway. So is dealing with relationship issues. A broken engine basically scraps the entire vehicle as useless. But we can immediately be taken to that crisis point, if you don't know anything about cars. The same thing happens too in relationships. I actually, go into crisis mode.
I don't want to upset him, I don't want to hurt him, but I am feeling hurt, angry, upset. For me, these mixed up feelings sends me into a crisis. But listen, if you have already taken the engine apart you are stuck with it. So if you are already in a crisis mode, you have to go through those emotions, and that feels like a hurricane. So how do I get him to acknowledge my feelings? What is Joan saying when she says I have to make my emotions ok when he is seething mad, I don't know what to do? He doesn't care about my feelings right now he just wants sex. Maybe if I just put my feelings aside he will be more loving and caring for me. Then the worst happens. You have sex then he rolls over and goes to sleep. You try to talk and he is already asleep.
I have noticed that when I don't live by my emotions I get treated very badly.
I immediately imagine the worst case scenario. This has made me perform some low value behaviour. This is not what I should be doing. So, yes, maybe he is hurt too, and he might feel rejection, but your not punishing him, you're just feeling hurt and/or you want your feelings acknowledged over a particular thing, and sex is the furthest thing from your mind. It might not be a good idea then to give sex right now. That would be low value behaviour or "pleasing mode". This has some serious repercussions in the relationship, that is a whole blog posting in itself, but it is hazardous to your relationship.
Sometimes men want sex at the worst times, when you are feeling so horrible. I think normal men can do this. This is only his way of trying to establish a connection between you two. He is trying to fix the problem his way, and he doesn't understand that this might be hurting you.
So how do you feel when he wants sex and you are feeling upset? How do you really feel? Do you feel like crying? Or can you not cry anymore and release this pain. This could help him understand better. I imagine a teacher getting a young pupil to try out a new math problem and the pupil feels scared, threatened, and can't solve the problem. I imagine what she would do. She wouldn't think much, she can't she would just cry. That is a very authentic emotion.
Sure, he might get angry when you do that. But was it anger, or was it fear? Fear that he wasn't enough and I just rejected him. That's ok, that is his business, it is not mine. It is not up to me to try to solve this problem for him. I try to push the tears through further, breaking down even, and this is a scary, painful part. I'm not making judgments on what he is feeling, I let him have his emotions. I stick with my own feelings. I might be crying and he might be angry, but it's ok. Do you know this ok? I used to think that it wasn't ok, that someone has to give in, and it usually was me, but that was wrong thinking.
This is all scary. Terrifying as hell. But.... I lived to tell the story. I am alive and breathing, but for awhile it felt like I had stopped breathing, I hate that feeling. All the air escapes out of my lungs and I'm stuck there panicking. He might be angry for awhile, but that is ok. It really is. This is what we have to do.
And yet I don't understand why modern psychology doesn't get this. Don't overhaul the engine while all you need to do is look at the battery. Look, he might be a narc or an ass, but I don't know. And I couldn't even make that decision at the time, I was seeking answers.
Here you go an ACON talking about sex, but this is real stuff. We get too confused, and I remember 20 years ago, they used to talk about co-dependence and I really didn't know what that meant. I was told that its when couples spent too much time together. But if you are in love with eachother, the time you spend with eachother is irrelevant. I know some couples that are inseparable. That is not the meaning of co-dependence. Or you feel blamed for you know co-dependence is something you know you shouldn't be doing, but you are, and you don't know how to stop.
Or you want commitment, that is not the same as marriage. People can be married out of convenience with no passion. "Oh, I married you....". So I am to feel loved?
When you burst out crying, you feel helpless. and when you are an ACON this will make you feel scared. We are not supposed to be scared. This is not what mother was supposed to teach you. She should have taught you to feel safe. Fear is to keep you from driving off a cliff, not keep you from living. Crying is living, any feeling is living. Fear is that feeling that death is imminent. But we've been mishandled and abused, and we have to teach ourselves another way.
And I can't keep feeling afraid that when I cry that he'll abandon me. That is what keeps me locked in my head. I have to learn to trust. Not trust in a bad way, like we used to, but trust that no matter what happens we will get through. We trust our own selves, not him. It doesn't matter. Perhaps he is a narcissistic jerk and you just come to realize that, and you might be getting a divorce tomorrow, its ok. The point is right now, that you'll never behave in low value again. Not for his sake, not for anyone's sake, you have transformed yourself. From the emotionally distressed child, to the woman who feels. And yep, darned right she has every right to feel.
Yes he might be totally angry with you at this moment in time. The temptation to give in will be enormous, I have felt that. I guess what it comes down to is where do you place your values? Do you value your own fear or do you value him and your relationship more? At this point, you can't have both., Just like if you were dating, do you want to be loved or lusted after? You can't have both, even your facebook profile has to reflect who you are, and we can't be blaming others when we are treated badly, when we are showing up as low value. You might not like that, but its true. Unfortunately, the universe won't cave for this one, even for us.
If I live in my emotions and feel everything, and at a point I am feeling angry or sad, it is difficult for me. I can't pretend to feel something that I am not. If I do that it'll be confusing for him, and he'll know something is wrong, even though you are pretending that everything is ok. Pretending with your spouse has very serious reprucussions in the relationship. It is seen as low value. Even if he is being a jerk, that is all besides the point. And if the point is to develop trust between you doesn't it make sense to be honest even if it hurts? He might be angry with you, but do you value trust enough to do this? Do you want to teach him how to treat you, and that he can trust you? Or do you want to continually allow yourself to be abused on the off chance that someone will love you?
There is no point in trying to talk to him about it at this moment, tempers are flaring, just feel, that is all. Feeling is life. I can imagine trying to talk to a man when he is like this, and he gets up and walks off. I try to talk to him about my feelings, why is he walking off? He is being a jerk, but what is going on with him is that he needs to get away. He is probably thinking, "Yep, unhappy woman, I'm getting out of here and going to work. I need to get that bolt and attach it to that chain, then tie up the setting straight, fix the car....that board is coming down, I have to fix it..... wow, this makes me feel good, she is not making me feel good." That's all there is to it really.
So instead of talking, just live instead. Live out your real emotions. You can burst out crying and not even begin to try to explain why you are doing so. As ACONs it feels scary not to explain yourself, but try to remember, talking is not living. And actually, talking can mean that you are trying to take emotional resources from him. Demanding that he be the one to be understanding. Whenever you come from a place of expectation, that is taking.
You know, that now that the weather is changing, I decided to wash the quilt on my bed. I hung it up on the clothes line 3 days ago and it kept falling down, I tied it back up again, then it rained, I thought of putting it in the dryer, but it doesn't go in the dryer. It fell back on the ground and it is still soaking wet. DH and I tied it up really good on the clothes line yesterday, making sure that it can't fall down this time and I'm just going to leave it alone. It has got to dry eventually. Someday.
So don't think that you have got to solve every problem right here and right now. Or don't think that you can't have problems or something is wrong with you. No, it is life. Anthony Robbins, one of my favorite speakers says that one of our biggest problems in life is that we think we should not have any problems. So just relax and breathe that thought in, let it go to your emotions.
And this is not manipulation. This is life.; This is the real deal.
When I first started becoming high value, he would stomp around here, angry as hell. There is a certain appeal for a man to have a low value woman. He can get what he wants, he can do what he wants, and its ok. He has very little work to do to maintain his relationship. He doesn't have to come to terms with his own self. But it has a time limit. It trickles down into nothing. I imagine what it is like to have a relationship without the trust, and that is not a relationship.
So at first it was scary. He almost disconnected with me. But I stayed true, and I just gave him the time he needed. I paid the price. I can't turn this ship around without causing a disturbance in the wave patterns. So I would just allow myself to feel. Hey, if the battery needs to be replaced, then the engine won't work anyway. That is, I didn't let my mind go into crisis mode.
Thursday, October 22, 2015
But they don't give anything for free. A lot of reading with little information that just sends you to a credit card info area where you can pay. Not a lot of money but maybe 20$. And the information they give is not deep enough for someone like me. They say that if he isn't giving commitment the way I want it, I am just to start dating other men. So I scrapped a lot of that information. Seriously, if you are in a long term marriage or relationship, we must show more compassion than that.
If the idea is to be high value, then that does not mean looking for new men. High value means staying the course even when it gets hard, you don't start bailing. This is hard. It is hard for the emotionally secure woman it will be on the exponential for me for sure. But I got to do it. Otherwise, from my trusted site, I will only attract the very same kind of man.
And we must be prepared to do the very hard. And life did not give us an easy early start to prepare us.
From the information I do have from my trusted site, I've come a long way. And I am still going further with it. I am enough. That's it. Just that simple phrase can propel me to great things. I don't have to prove to myself or anyone else that I am ok the way I am, I can just be. Not easy, I know, but it is something to practice. But hard when you've been buried alive in your body.
With that simple phrase I can believe that I don't have to go to outside sources (like other men) or outside myself for validation. And that no one has to approve of me either. When my husband doesn't give me the love I crave, then it is up to me to give it to myself. Give it instead. When I'm up against the pain of not being enough and that everyone wants to hurt me, and I face all that, then I release that pain, that is sometimes physical then I can be enough. But not until I go there. Sigh.
I've been buried alive. I don't know which way is up. I found the relationship site, I found the online ACON community, and that is really all I've got. Everywhere else, I am weird. When I leave the house I have got to have my emotional resources all intact, or I just start acting up. I remember mother would trigger reactions from me, and this is what I am.
There is a lot of pain. Mother never did give me validation. I felt so horrible for so long, that I wonder now how I ever put up with her in my adult state. There were times she was very impossible but still I kept her as my mother. There was no one who would tell me that this was a monster.
And how could they? There are too many facebook memes that extol the virtues of a mother. I was going to go find some and post them here, but you know what I'm talking about. While on the onset of these memes, saying that every mother is good and loving and God's angel here to protect you, you friggin know there are dead children everywhere (Kaley Anthony for one example) plus other people who are institutionalized over "mothers".
These memes are a slap in the face. Slapping the child abuse victim over and over again. Like we are wrong, that even though she was horrible, she was very good and did her job well as a mother. I personally think these memes should be illegal, imagine what would happen if someone extolled the virtues of Adolf Hitler, saying that he was great and loving and that he loved animals and was a vegetarian.
Then we have these pity party fests for abusers. "Oh, imagine how your poor mother feels." Sigh, can't talk about that or my brain will explode.
You know, its funny. I was just talking to a friend's sister last night and she talked to me like I was someone she knew for a very long time. I would not even be able to tell my nieces out of a crowd, and I have no idea what they even look like anymore. My family has been plowed over.
But, I have to be careful of what I say and do. I don't have the ability to talk right and sometimes the things that come out of my mouth shocks people. I did it the other day, and I can't remember what I said but I remember I shocked a few people. I intend in keeping to myself more.
Did I waste my time going to therapy all my life? They told me that I had low self-esteem, but I needed to know why, so that any healing could ever happen. Oh, my last therapist was great, but would have been better than great if she had the information I needed. I imagine what it would be like to go to her now, if I could explain everything. She was a good therapist, I'll give her that.
So nowadays I have an internet website on relationships that I can turn to. She gives me great information, even though I can't pay for the paid for stuff. But she gives a lot of info for free. So I've been thinking on it lately. So, I don't need to take from the world the emotional resources. Or rather expect emotional resources from anyone.
I was talking about this to a friend. Do I expect people to treat me well? She said that people should treat me well. Well, I have a different take on that. Suppose someone is not going to treat me well. Am I to give a crap how others treat me? Why do I have to give a crap how others treat me?
Well, I suppose you could say that if they don't treat me well it will make me feel badly. Ok, that is the clincher, the metabolic start of self-esteem. I am expecting others to treat me well. I want something from them. Another emotional resource I need outside of myself.
That gives me no control. I will be fluttering in the wind again . I can't control how others treat me. I can't control what I need from others. They might not give me the respect I feel I "deserve". Respect must come from within myself. And if others treat me badly, well, I can choose to feed that or decide to move on. Either way, it is not up to me what the heck their behaviour towards me is.
I can't even expect the DH to treat me well. No? Of course I can't expect that. Don't go there. What he does is his issue. I can't control it. What I give from myself I give to myself. And I must realize that his level of commitment with me is not his fault or mine. It is not even logical. It is emotional, and that is just the way it is. It is life. If I want something from him I must always come from a place of love.
I know its hard to understand, perhaps I should make an example.
We can only attract our reciprocal. We are the same. I am fearful, he is fearful. I did not attract someone who is not fearful, it is impossible. At the time we met, things were bad, a lot of men I was dating ran away. He didn't. For he felt comfortable. If he met a woman who was less fearful, he might have been scared off. Or she might have wanted more than this fearful man. We have attracted eachother, and we are equals.
Imagine a guy who is bugging you for sex, and when you don't give it, he gets mad. In my relationship site this means the man doesn't have the confidence within himself to feel like he can give an emotional resource like caring. He is into taking the emotional resource instead. "Your bad, I am mad". I've heard of this happening. And in turn she gives sex, not as a way of showing love, but only to keep him from getting mad. These are reciprocals. Hey, it happens.
But if he is a high value man, he has the stuffing to show that he cares about how she feels, but otherwise he knows he has the ability to make her swoon. He doesn't need to come from a desperate place. He is more concerned about her than he is about his own feelings. He stays in his own body and truly and actually feels concerned for her. And he knows he has the ability to make her swoon regardless. But he doesn't need to prove it. Or he has no need to feel rejected by her, for he doesn't feel rejected. Unless she has said something mean to him, he won't feel rejected. The only way he can feel rejected is is she has said something mean to him, or the rejection comes from himself.
I used to hate the idea of expecting things from people. It made me feel so powerless, and useless. No, we are that love, that light, and we will know it. And we will attract that such person.
It sounds like I am saying to blame yourself if you are caught up in an abusive relationship. Not at all. I am just preferring to come from a place of power. I can't do anything to change anyone else. I have no control over the other person. So I want to let that go. But I see the well of power within myself. It is amazing. I am enough and I can walk right into this house, knowing, not expecting, that I will be treated well. And if he doesn't treat me well, then I won't know what that even means and I can say no to it. So I must cultivate some innocence. I don't know what it is to be treated badly, thus I know it is wrong.
I can upgrade the DH. No I'm not talking about controlling him. Since I have more knowledge now and am less afraid than before (maybe the same afraid, but I have more tools), I can do stuff that will cause a change in our relationship. I can use influence, but this is not the same as control. There is a difference. Influence is all about how I live.
I hear the stuff that comes out of his mouth. Some of it is not so good, rather disrespectful at times, but just by realizing that I attracted this into my life, I'm just "meh" I'm going to let it go for now. Oh, I'm open and authentic when it does hurt me, and that is fine. But I stay true to my feelings about getting hurt and don't come from a place of expecting. I'm not going to expect better treatment from him? Of course not.
I'm not going to expect love, or loyalty or respect. I'm not pleased with what I have right now, so no sense in trying to make it like I am. "Oh, he has some good qualities," doesn't really apply here. No, I want the upgrade.
So I won't do mean stuff to him anymore to try to get something from him. I made his lunch for work with a smile on my face. If he is being mean to me I will feel the hurt and let him see that, then I will leave the room for him to deal with it on his own. I do have this power to not take any form of abuse.
No, he is not being mean, but he does kind of grate on my nerves sometimes, he crosses boundaries, and what I think he should be doing, he is not doing. That's about all there is to it. So I want an upgrade.
When he comes home he will be greeted with a smile. Even if I am feeling bad or extra needy, I can still feel that and show love. This is a little hard, but we are multidimensional beings. A lot of ladies on my relationship site are dating, so they have some fear, but they are taught that they can still project love. And they can show they have a lot of love flowing through them in the face of fear. You've met these kinds of ladies before, and they are real and down to earth, and they are usually surrounded by men. I used to be jealous of them, but that is only because I wanted to be like them. All my life it was a dream for me to find out what special powers these women held. You never catch them complaining or bitching if someone treats them badly. They feel, they cry, and that is the part that drove me crazy. For surely, I thought that this behaviour would drive men away, but it does not. And when someone was hurting they always came with ears to listen. And they never slept around or acted like shameless sluts. That part drove me nuts too. They always were in committed relationships, but be this ethereal goddess surrounded by men. Its great to be around them actually. I am starting to learn how to attract the best. I'm trying.
But the part that I was most jealous of was the fact that these women never sucked the life out of you. You actually felt better around them, and after they left you still wanted to be around them. They made you feel delighted and happy, and any nastiness you feel inside yourself is gone the second they enter the room. Do you know these types of women? Even men at times have that type of energy that they carry around.
I used to know a woman like that, they are that rare. She was not conventionally beautiful, but had more men around her than a woman who wore 5 pounds of makeup and skin tight pants. In fact, you have to get through the men in order to talk to her. But she would always make time for me. And I always knew when she felt hurt or upset, she was that real. And the men that surrounded her were the best of the lot. It actually feels strange for me to say that she wasn't conventionally beautiful. For I know she believes that she is. And its not like she gave this authenticity to wackos. She had a gift of knowing what to do and who to say it to. And she wasn't all gaga over all the men that surrounded her. In fact, if I wanted to talk to her, she would send them all away, and focus directly on me.
So I want to attract that good guy out of DH. So I have to become more. We will attract our reciprocals. I imagine him with smiles with flowers, how would I be if he was all that too? How would I project myself if he was absolutely the most loving? So I take the step first, and just project love. Despite what he is doing and how he is acting. I've been at this this way for 2 weeks and 4 days, and things are changing. He is a little more careful of his words to me. He knows I want more of a passionate relationship and it seems like he is struggling with it. Things might not feel like to me that they have gotten better, but I can feel his struggles with it. He hadn't struggled with it before, he didn't care to. But now when he says something cold to me he looks down as though he is ashamed of it. But it is a bad habit. A bad habit for me to allow it and a bad habit for him to do it.
But its still a hard road. Just the other night, he wanted to go visit the neighbour alone. And I had this problem with him before. He asked me if I had things to do to keep my occupied for now. I said, yes, why? Well, he wanted to visit the neighbour and didn't want to upset me. I told him that I am fine, and that I'm not his ball and chain, go visit. lol We go through this all the time, he was in a controlling relationship before, and I am trying to get him to see that he has all his freedom with me, even moreso than without me. That I am not going to get all moody on him and turn on him. That he would be greeted with love when he got back. I don't want to be his ball and chain, why can't he get that into his head? Like I said before, he has just as much fear as I do. We are reciprocals.
I don't expect that he'll be out there "cheating", I don't come from that graspy place. If he did cheat, then it is up to me on what to do. That is all. I have all the control and all the power, and it is all within myself. Emotional resources. I can feel hurt and pain. It is ok.
So he went and visited the neighbour and came back and joined me in the sewing room. I continued with my projects and listened to him talk after. I was wondering if he was worried about me being angry, but I let that go too. I stayed in my zone. I let all of the neediness go. I actually wasn't feeling "needy". I was fine. But something in my body was telling me that I should have been feeling badly. But it wasn't me. Something inside me was telling me that I need to be his ball and chain for that is what he needs, but I knew better.
Mother did a number on my emotions. I feel like I have to separate out the bullshit that goes on inside my head from the way that I truly feel. Like if I wasn't enough, and I need to take it out on everyone around me. I must be graspy and do what I'm told.
Even lately with all the construction going on, some of the workers have to put up with "getting the finger" from the frustrated drivers. That's another example. It is no ones fault. Its ok to feel frustrated, but they have no right to be taking it out on the poor workers. It is no ones fault that the work needs to be done, it is just life.
So I have to continue to push through very painful programmed emotions. To get to the real me. I know I attracted this behaviour from DH, so it is up to me to not attract it anymore. And that means not being a pleaser. Gosh, pleasers are needy and graspy. They tend to suck the life out of everyone. Mother was like that. When she needed her man to provide for her, she did everything to please him. Yes, narcs can be pleasers, but watch out they do go on the attack eventually, when you don't give them what they want. They are out to get something out of you, watch out.
I've seen relationship advice saying to make him happy, and you will get what you want in return. Isn't that just too superficial?
It is not what someone with a conscience needs to do. There are times I'm sure even now, with the love I'm trying to give out, that DH is not approving of me. It is ok, this in not about trying to make him change. It is about me changing, where he will no doubt need to amount to as well. Just like if I was dating, I will reject what I don't want from him.
And with the more authentic I get, the more trust can build between us. Even if we fought. And with being authentic, I have many sides to my personality. This can be confusing at times for him, and that is ok. There are times he thinks I should be acting this way or that, and I don't, he gets a little testy, I hold my ground and just continue being myself.
In the beginning, I used to sit in the truck while he help his ex and her relatives. Yah, right, not anymore. That can't happen. He knows that I will get into the drivers side and take myself home, and ask him what time I am to pick him up, if that were to ever happen again. And if I did that he would probably have gotten angry with me. That's ok. He can get angry. And it can hurt my feelings, and I can let him see that. And maybe since we were just dating I could have stopped. But we are not dating anymore. I am stuck, but am I?
LOL no he is not helping his ex anymore. Just an example of how I actually and authentically wanted to behave, but I dared not to.
This stuff is hard even for the emotional resourceful. My brain is screaming at me, and I have to deal with it. I try not to let myself go there too much. But just today, I was starting to sink again, when I feel like I want something from him. I am expecting something from him. Or if I am doing all this, why is he not doing more too. I just keep telling myself that I am proving my high value and that it has been only 2 and a half weeks. Actually it has been a lot longer, but I've done more reading and have more tools, so I am trying that for 2 and a half weeks.
This takes a lot of daring. Facing fear. Going through panic. But I realized that these are all programmed emotions, coming directly from..... you guessed it MOTHER.
I see the value in no contact. It has given me the power of life. So instead of being buried alive in my body, I can own my body. I don't know how I ever kept from going crazy inside there. I was buried alive, and I thought this was good, for only mother can save me from myself. I was born believing there was nothing good about me, and only mother can save me from myself.
I feel like I've just been born. Beaten down and abused, coming into my own. And I can say that I always hated that bitch. But I don't expect her to act any better either.
I worry about deaths and funerals in the FOO. Authentically, I have pushed all these people aside, that they are strangers to me. But inside I feel scared of when the time comes, a lot will be expected out of me to comply to the wishes of the evil. And that I will have to come from a place of expecting again. This is why I practice authenticity all the time. So when the time comes I can just be myself and not care so much.
So you do have the right to walk away from abuse. And don't expect anything different from them either. You can project love but from my own experience this doesn't mean anything to a narc. They don't care. Oh sure, they want love and demand it from everyone, sucking all the attention from the room, but they don't really care about it. So don't get all caught up trying to give love to the unlovable. It won't be authentic, you'll just be coming from a needy and graspy place. I don't ever want to go there again. Having my emotions manipulated was enough abuse I can take. I won't take it anymore.
Mother was and is poisonous. I would never be ok around her. In fact, she slams everyone down. And to be around her, you have to be a part of that too. You will carry her poison inside you. And its not like anything I do will ever change that.
So while I spent my whole life buried alive, at times the real me would emerge, but that was hated by mother. For only she knew what I ought to be like. And being so young I had no power over it. My siblings, well, they get to make choices too. I have talked to everyone about this, giving them the chance, but they won't take it. Actually, they put me down.
But I want to be alive and stay alive. I don't want to be around mother anymore. Not one second of the rest of my life will be spent trying to please this horrible thing. She wanted me to die. I actually was dead. I don't know how I got through. What I did, or what I thought, or what was really the case with me.
I remember times I really was me, putting on makeup and going out, but all that was in the area of being despised. So I couldn't be myself. I had to work through trying to please others. And it didn't take much for anyone to disapprove of me. It doesn't take much at all, not in today's world. What I needed the most was to approve of myself anyway.
Thursday, October 8, 2015
Promise, this is a short read. I was blown away by this woman and what she wrote. Because I'm an engulfed daughter it meant so much to me.
I can see that she thought she only had 2 roles to play. Either the welfare mom or the super corporate strong black woman.
Authenticity gave her something else.
Tuesday, October 6, 2015
I have some chores to do and all I want to do is write. More about abusive relationships, I want to get it out there so here goes:
When I think of an emotionally stable woman or person, but for this point I'll talk about the woman. I am not a man so I can't think like one. But for the emotionally stable woman, she walks around in a state of bliss that I cannot comprehend. She is well in her mind. Yes, she does have times she is not feeling so good about herself but for the most part she can go back on the wave of wellness and stay there. Instability is not her norm, stability is. Now, we all have our problems but she is in a state of bliss and that is where she makes her home. This is her norm. Her default position.
Me: Wellness and emotional stability is not my norm. I have to cultivate it regularly for my default position is emotional instability, needy, graspy, crossing boundaries, I struggle with people and things, can't explain myself well, get in over my head sometimes. But here is what I've been practicing. Because I am an ACON and I was raised to be that way, I will relax and make it all ok. For when I am in that state of wellness I am able to feel through the mess and see a way out.
I try to run on feelings, not thinking so much. My thinking is screwed. But my feelings, emotions tell the whole story. You see, I can't think logically and depend on it. This is the old me. Think with your head and not your heart. It doesn't work for me. I can't think straight and when someone confronts me I freeze up.
Now the bible says that we are not to trust our hearts for they are deceitful. But I can't trust my own head. So I haven't gotten there yet, I can't figure that one out. Just that my heart, feelings, emotions seem to know way more about the world out there than I do. I judge people, I use my emotions. I can't logic a narc, no way, for when I'm thinking then I think that they are nice sometimes therefore they are nice. My emotions tell me otherwise. And that is what I believe I need to depend on.
Mother was good sometimes. She will have you thinking she is a nice person. But take a look on her face and feel. That will tell the story.
When I was in those abusive relationships, I used logic to try to steer me through. And logic always screwed me over. He helped me with something, then he is good.
Imagine for a second you are on a fourth date with a guy. All of a sudden, after 3 dates of him being wonderful, he suddenly calls you ugly, your fat whatever. What does logic tell you to do? Reason with him and tell him that you are not ugly, and sorry for being fat. Yes, that is what logic does when you are raised by a narcissist!
What does your emotions tell you? Your emotions tell you to scream and cry, and when you believe he is not worth the value of your real and raw emotions, you get the heck out of there. You aren't even going to care about those fabulous first 3 dates, that is over, he is a creep.
What I think happened to me is that I have not developed my full authentic emotions. They need to grow and grow. They need to get big. In order to do that I must let them have their way more and I need to feel more. But that requires, you guessed it, it requires facing fear.
I've been thinking lately about FOO members who tried to use reasoning with me on behalf of mother. It was only through the support of the ACON online community I was able to get through. And I found it difficult to feel my way through. More fear had taken over my life. Any decision I make because of fear is the wrong decision. I will believe that now. I won't make fearful decisions. But fear is not wrong, its a warning, but not meant for decision making.
So what are emotions? Mother stomped on that, telling me that they were no good. Society tells us to use our heads. And lots of people believe that. But I believe that the emotionally stable person, when push comes to shove, they think with their emotions.
So I really have to get back into that bible reading about not trusting our hearts for they are deceitful. It might not be saying what everyone says it does. Emotions are God given.
Yes, I know they are not right or wrong, feelings never are. They don't fit into nice categories. But all my thinking is not going to work. My conscience tells me that I am not to hurt anyone. That is clear. Oh boy, am I ever down a rabbit hole here, I should just leave this posting as it is.
Monday, October 5, 2015
I was thinking that if I told my whole life story, one of poverty and abuse and if it were to enlighten someone, it would have made this whole ACON experience worth it. Maybe. But why would God permit us to have to go through this? I can't kid myself and think that I'll ever totally recover from all this. Maybe. But if I were to live in reality, I would realize that it would take a lifetime. That's why we put these things up. To help us, and maybe someone else can take a lesson from it.
I can tell you lots of things. I can tell you that if you have little money, which bills you need to pay and which bills will wait a long time, till they are at your door and you can hand them $20 and that will buy you some time. Depends on what country you live in, so that information might not be very helpful.
I believe I escaped the abusive relationship trap. Not that there will not be any problems, but I don't have to live where there are always going to be problems and that I have to be constantly abused.
Mother's world was a dark dismal place, and I lived in that world with her. I remember a long time ago, I showed her my engagement ring and she told me how ugly it was. And laughed. It was her way. I know flying monkeys turn their heads at this stuff and don't say anything, but I remember feeling very hurt. That wasn't a good marriage. I was abused by him even before I got married. But I would never tell anyone that fact, there was no one to tell. Someone would always blame me for it.
I remember telling someone that my husband quit his job, and others would pipe in and ask why. I would defend him and say that he was just looking for something better. Then someone would say that, "A half a loaf of bread is better than none." Telling that to me, was giving me advice. You see, I know that he shouldn't have quit his job, it did no good to tell me that. I had no power over the situation. They were so not being present with me that it wasn't even funny anymore.
I remember when my husband and I didn't have a car. My mother would call him a "bum", a "sponge". He used my brother's razor once when we had a sleepover and mother continued her rampage about him being a bum and a sponge. All directly pointed at me, and I could do nothing. If my daughter's husband did that, I could never hurt her with such words. And all it did was hurt me. They never told him that, they didn't care to. In a way, I guess they were trying to be "helpful" in trying to get me to realize these things. But maybe not. The end result was that it screwed up my head and made me believe I was stupid.
Now, a normal woman in a loving family would never stay with an abusive man. Maybe there are some exceptions, but overall, hit her in the face and she would be gone. No, these types of women finds the high value men. The man who would take her by the hand to cross the street. These same high value men that treat women like me with disdain. So how do they get them? I was clueless.
All those men with the good jobs were far from my reach. I was actually impressed by my last ex. He was jovial and fun, and everyone liked him, but he would never take the children on his back for a piggyback or he would tell them to "shut up" when he watched tv, which was all the time. He walked far from me on the street. But he was loveable to everyone he saw. He didn't work, but everyone thought he was the best I could get, and were proud of me for getting him. He has so many friends on facebook that it is hard to comprehend how abusive he is. But he is.
I tried to get a high value man but they would practically run from me. I was so sure I was the problem. I guess I was. Yes, that is a hit I had to take. All that stuff about authenticity, no approval seeking, all works to find that high value man. But it is a mindset. My mindset was set on being needy. Now, I'm not talking about the needy that is needing a spouse to take care of you, that is different and very special and very good. I'm talking about taking his emotional resources.
You see, men don't have a lot of emotional resources to give out. If he is high value he reaches out for the mission and the next mission, always trying to get something accomplished. At a time when I was being ignored (for he never wanted to ignore me) he was just busy with his mission. I had no emotional resources on my own and would try to take from him. This is the low value (no emotional resources of my own) woman. Men are driven to seek out high value in women, whether he can articulate that or not. He just feels it. So off he is on a new mission, that is to find a good emotionally stable women.
Men live a rather dry existence. They can't be bubbly all the time. He needs to go and do what he needs to do. An emotionally stable woman totally knows this. She doesn't make him wrong. She makes him right.
Enter the abusive man. His mission, (well I don't think I need to say this) but his mission is to be mean and cruel and spiteful. He might be narcissistic or not, but for now I'll just focus on his personal attributes. He needs to drive someone into the ground to feel big and powerful. The high value man needs to feel big and powerful too, but he has the emotional resources to get there without hurting anyone. These emotional resources he won't just hand over to a woman. No way. He won't give his freedom away, not ever. That's why in my relationship site it is taught that the woman needs to understand that if she is trying to control a man, it will never happen. Some women do manage that, however, but I'll leave narcissism aside, for now, so I can delve deeper.
Ok. So I have established that men don't want to hand over these emotional resources. They don't want to be bossed around, ie. hand over their freedom over to me. And quite honestly, no high value woman wants that either. She wants him to accomplish his missions and his goals, for it all affects her too.
That's why good men don't just throw themselves to the wolves. Now, I'm going to tell you something, and this is very controversial, but I have seen it happen in my own life, so I have experience this thing to be true. If I want to experience the love I deserve in my relationship with a man, I need to acknowledge that I must have the resources within myself to give love first. When you come from a place of giving in your relationship a man feels your presence in the relationship differently. When you are authentically just radiating love, you completely break his state. He won't be so closed off anymore. You will have entered where you need to be.
Now I know you say, "That I am giving, I am loving, so what is wrong?"
So many others have approached this topic, and that an ACON is the most loving person you can find. So then we should have it all, right? Everything, right down to having all the resources the world has to offer and then some.
But it doesn't happen.
I am speaking directly now into the abused state of mind.
Please dont' think that I'm trying to be controversial here, but I have this need to try to help someone who is like me. Right now, in their state, they feel like they are slated for extinction, destined to die. For they don't have any of the answers, and I am about to share this now. This is stuff I had to learn. The hard way.
We have truly believed we gave too much when we had a narcissistic partner. I remember what this was like. I'd give and give and give, and he would want more and more and more. He'd cut me down and I held in all my feelings about that and all the while I called it giving.
Unfortunately, the truth is I gave nothing at all. Yes, you believe you give, and you give and you give, but what was actually happening is that you were trying to take and take and take, from someone who took advantage of your neediness and kept the carrot just far enough away from you so that you couldn't have it. You have lost yourself doing this type of "giving". I know it sounds demeaning to feel like we have been trying to take, but this is not wrong, this is the way it is for us, so it was not our fault. I'm about to tell you of a big secret.
I would like for you to take all those things about what you were doing previously and get rid of them. As far away as possible. Everything. All those "safe" methods that felt good at the time, the "giving" the stuff we used to do and remove them as far away from you as possible. Forget about them. Do not ever do any of them ever again. They not only caused narcissistic men to be attracted to you , they also repelled the good, honest decent men. When I try to act like I'm needy, he will run away not knowing why. He just needs to, it is in his hardwiring.
I know this is hard. I can't get it all myself. I thought I was giving. You want to know what giving is? What it truly is? You will not need to be taught it. It is available within you at all times, but it was stomped on and abused by your narcissistic parent. This is the part of you that they hated. They hate your light, your love, all that wonderful stuff you were born with. They tried to destroy it.
Thats it right there. Those esteem substances, that pride that happy, happy state. I know I have to work very hard, daily to even be in a good relationship. The things I do tends to make a man need to get away. If I forget for one moment what I'm trying to accomplish then it all goes back to the needy state. It is like my default state.
I know some people might not like what I had to say here, but I speak directly the truth, things I know, have experienced here. The real raw truth isn't always so pretty or easy to understand. Maybe you might be saying that it is wrong. That's ok. I believe the woman who wants to stop having abusive relationships will swallow up this information. I wish I could help guide them along, but I'm only learning myself. I have to go to my room and look in the mirror and replenish my emotional resources steadily.
Growing up under a narcissist wasn't easy. You can't have pride, dignity, you were born with. Even when you fought back it was terribly ripped away from you regardless. I know what this is like. You think sex is wrong, and you might make a man feel wrong for wanting sex, or love, or affection. The penetration feels so wrong. What would mother say? These things were "eaten" from you. Or you give sex as a way of getting approval. You are never into it for real. You never feel the openness that you actually and authentically crave. You crave his affection but you don't know how to show that you crave it, it all comes out in a backwards way and we can be very hurtful to them. We think that he is keeping his love away from us, but he is not. The whole thing is backwards. You never treat him like there is no substitute for him in your life, and that he makes you feel alive. Any sexual energy he needs to feel from you will come from a bad place. A dirty bad place. Doesn't matter if you tell him you love him, doesn't matter what you say, your words are meaningless when there is no driving force of feeling.
A good man can't commit to you, and we don't feel like we can get them anyway. A good man can't commit to just your body parts, that give sex and needs to get it over with. For our minds are tainted, and we can't feel the love within ourselves and know that we are just as worthy as they are. We don't need to take from him, we have to have it within ourselves and want and need to give out love.
His male sex organs might be "dirty" to you. You might not tell him that, but he can feel it, and that feeling takes his pride away. That is an emotional resource we take. Or to cuddle up close feels so scary. Oh my, this is too mushy.
Nowadays, when I think of the word "invulnerable", I think sterile, boiled, smooth with no rough edges. To be human, we have to have rough edges. Some bad parts, some good parts, some parts that we have to accept anyway. I have discovered I have this girly side to me that I had to accept. In doing so it is accepted. And I can be loved for it regardless if it is deemed silly or not.
So I believe that if all we had was the vulnerability then all would be ok. If you are an ACON with all the symptoms and be ok with that. Make it ok. That is what high value is. Make it ok. I believe if you can do that then you will have that wonderful guy that holds your hand while you walk across the road. He will love you and worship the ground you walk on. Have your issues, have your problems, and you will have a guy that will love you for it. I'm still working on getting these things. It seems like I tend to make too much wrong about myself. And I think that is a turn off for him. So I resort back to "needy". Men love sex, and that need that they have for it is foreign to me. I don't understand it. I can go without, but he wants this, so I will use it as a way to keep him? I know that I didn't want to believe that I was doing that. I hate that I knew nothing else.
And what did I know about sex? Not much. I heard the grunts of a pig coming from my mothers bedroom, not the delightful thing I think it ought to be. All the things that mother said about sex was to turn me off further. This would never bring me total and loving devotion from the best man there is. Only casual flings, even in marriage, I was a casual fling. Something dirty, no good.
Can there be any forgiveness for this? I don't think so. Can you say truly in your heart that you are now ready to put all the pain and suffering you had to go through and just understand the narcissist and forgive them? Because for me, it is a reality that I had to choose, that awful shit they did was wrong. It was wrong. To make it ok then I have to establish in my heart that the things they did was no big deal and I am ok with it. I am not ok with it, are you?
Saturday, October 3, 2015
I made this for my daughter who is suffering from hyper mobility syndrome. Its a table runner that took me all summer to make. There are 5 kinds of batiste on there.
There are some mistakes on it, but I'm learning. Actually, I got quite a bit of a lecture at my guild about hurrying through projects. Even the big quilt I'm making I didn't like too much so I decided just to use an old sheet for the backing. The sheet had some stains on it, and I made a mistake that is noticeable on it, so I said to myself so what then? I'll just get it done and over with.
One of the ladies is going to help me fix the mistake and they talked me into getting a new backing.
I decided to wait for flannellette to go on sale, until then I will get that lady's help fixing the mistake and put the quilt aside till I get the flannellette for the backing. Also, I don't know how to meander stitch yet, so I have to learn that too, in order to get the quilt done. But I did finish a welcome sign, but its at the guild right now, waiting for the fair to judge it. But I'll post a picture of it when I get it back.
Regarding the lecture. It was ok for me to be judged by someone who knew what they were talking about. "Don't rush through projects." I kind of get the feeling that being a member of a guild is a pride thing, and we can't be doing things in mediocrity, or else we get the lecture. Quilting is a demanding thing, and the demands are great. If you make a mistake, you work to fix it. You make it first class, even though there will be mistakes anyway. You will have to have self control, and the ability to understand the logic of making mistakes but doing it right anyway.
"Doing my best" was a phrase that always escaped me before. But I am starting to get it.
But I didn't feel badly when I got the lecture. I listened to the criticism with interest, as I want this type of excellence too. Not just with quilting, but in my life too. I use the word excellence and not perfection. I want to do things the best way to the best of my ability. I will challenge myself this way.
I know I got really upset over the banning of the forum I was in for 3 days. I listened to the "good mommy" inside me and she said, "Were you looking to impress these people? Was that your goal in joining? Did you get that attached to the people there after only 3 days?" Oh my. I didn't want to impress anyone and I didn't care. Again, I was only curious and I needed not be as upset as I was. I was crying rejection, when the true me didn't even care.
Oh my. Isn't that how MN mother's programming was designed to work? I didn't want to feel badly, I really didn't care, but my need for acceptance overrode my curiosity and me and my true desire for authenticity. Of course I was banned in 3 days. I think I should have been banned sooner. Maybe I wasn't authentic enough. And I got all upset over being called twisted? Oh come on. Some idiot doesn't get that much say about me. But I gave them this power over me.
Just like, I wasn't so offended by being reprimanded at the quilting guild. That was a time for me to listen and learn. And I appreciated it. Since then, I've been more meticulous over everything I'm working on in my life. I'm not striving for perfection, but actual excellence. There is a difference and its wonderful.
I think excellence is an actual authentic part of me. It's not approval seeking. You see, approval is this whole, "Love me" thing that people do. Let me put it clearer: Our hearts don't want to seek approval to be loved. We want to give and receive love just for love alone. So if I do everything to get approval, then I won't be loved for who I am. Just for that thing I do.
But, it also made me think about other things. I used to always rush through things. To get them done. I understand when your at a job and your getting paid, you got to do what your told. Perhaps. But I was doing it all, mindlessly at times.
I've been asking myself why. Why do I have to rush through things sometimes. I remember being in grade school and when we started an art project I used to tall myself that I needed to do this very well. But I never did anything as well as I wanted to. Maybe, in the beginning of my life everything I did was great, then it stopped being that way.
One of my first memories was that I would be very excited to present a project to the class, and then when I got to the front of the class with my project, I would freeze up. I know this is common in children, but I remember feeling no pride over my project. But no one in the class told me it was crap, but I believed it was and I hated everything I did.
You see, when I began a project, it was perfect in the beginning. There were no mistakes to contend with. Then later on, a mistake here and there, I was seeing what a mess I was making and I tended to want to scrap the whole thing. Just like I did on this quilt I was making. I just wanted to get er done. But the truth of the matter was that I spent 8 months working on it, I wanted to authentically do it as well as though I first started. And do my best throughout. That is why I appreciated the criticism from the guild. This is good advice, take it to everywhere you go and do in life.
Yes, things have screwed up in my life. But I wasn't given the whole share of my life. Its like in the bible when the man who got a little money and the man who got a lot. They were both expected to produce but the man with the most in the beginning, more was expected of him. I'm not good at sharing bible scripture sorry, but I think you get the gist of what I'm saying here. I did the best with what I was given, and I have to believe that.
Just like this morning. I had a dentist appointment, that I was not prepared for mentally. I forgot all about it, till this morning. I started praying about it, and guess what? At the minute I was about to leave shaking so badly inside, the dentist office called cancelling my appointment, booking it in another week and a half. Its like God steps in to protect me, I don't know, this seems to always happen. You see, I have to live with bad nerves and its like God makes these adjustments to get me through. I know you are probably saying that it would have been better to get it over with. But it don't work that way with me, my nerves are too bad, I have to be prepared.
When I prayed for God to help make me a patient person, I got the idea to join the quilting guild. I don't remember how that happened. Patience is the name of the game, if you want to quilt, and do it right. Actually, the other guild members seem to have a low tolerance for those lacking patience, so this is good therapy for me. And I appreciate their guidance and I never take it badly. My nerves are not going crazy, and I'm never freaking out. I am just listening intently.
And I was wanting to learn to make chicken and dumplings. Such a simple thing, but my dumplings all fall apart. So my friend is teaching me that tomorrow. She is giving me the recipe and a demo. This is such a good friend, a real Christian lady. Very charitable, she reaches out to everyone. I just overheard her telling someone at church that she was making chicken and dumplings, and I shared my problem with it, and now I'm going for a demo. I really love dumplings, and mother never taught me how to cook, I learned everything on my own. Plus some help of good friends, and taking chances on my own.
She also gave me some relationship advice. I told her some of the issues we have been having, and she basically said to forget about the trip he went on without me. She told me to forget about what happens next time. She told me to forget all about that stuff. She said that I can get him to want to be around me so much that being away from me will be impossible. This goes right along with the relationship advice I learn online. That is what we are to do. No grumbling.
I know it sounds hurtful, but it is what it is. He preferred to be out there without me. That's just a plain old fact. There was not enough value here with me. That is a commitment issue. We are not to expect things from people. We are to give. And in the giving we get back what we need in life. Sounds so hard now, with narcissists all over the place, but it still works with the normal people out there.
So this value is like money. Only worth a whole lot more. We get back in exchange. But we are not supposed to try to do it for that reason, but it happens regardless. If you buy a gum for a penny, we can't expect costly array or fine furniture for that penny. No can do. We have to earn through giving. We have to be worth more than that bubblegum. I know some people might disagree with me, this is just my opinion. It does seem to work that way. Take it from someone who's been engulfed by a narcissist. These are the things that I'm learning. I have sat down and been present with some people and it is working out well.
Also, any love you have to give, give to yourself first. You are not giving anything from a dry well. It is strictly from the bible of where it says you have to love your neighbour as yourself. So give yourself that love you have been craving, it is possible. I know we were trained to hate ourselves and distrust any love we give to ourselves. We want someone else to give it to us, but we have to be adept at giving it to ourselves. Then it has more value to others. Just practice loving yourself, that's all. Practice it like its an artform.
Oh, and another thing I've learned. By not seeking approval we will talk a lot less. I know I've said that before, but let me put it another way, we will not be ignored when we are talking. The other person puts more value in what you are saying. My DH listens to me lately because he knows darn well that when I'm talking I'm not just babbling away. And that was always tiring for him, taking emotional resources from him just to listen to me all the time. I'm not saying babbling sometimes is not good. But to balance ourselves.
It also gives me the opportunity to feel a lot more. I was almost tempted to say something though when a bug landed on me and I squealed a little. He didn't tease me he only laughed. Not the proper bushwoman I know, and I felt rather embarrassed. I stopped myself in time from explaining myself and just decided to laugh right along with him. So I feel more, and for me this is very good. So if a bug lands on you and it scares you don't push away the feeling, just go with it. Don't try to explain it away either, to no one. That will earn you so much respect, because it is confidence in action.
I noticed that he put up the pictures he took while he was away on his "booty call". They are sitting right here in our computer. Or "live titty show." I saw one of the pictures then went on an emotional tirade over it again. I told him that he will have to take those pictures of the computer or I'll delete them. He told me to delete them then. He didn't care. But I have to tell you that in the pictures that his brother had a very scared look in his eyes that jutted right out at me from the screen. I only looked at that one picture, I was too hurt to look at the rest. But that was terrifying. His wife was taking the picture I assume, and he was forced to look directly at her. I wish I could post that picture up for everyone to see, you will see what I mean.
I noticed that I am crying all the time. It is making him feel crazy I think. It looks like he is ready to scream. First it was the trip, then it was the pictures, and any other issue. I contacted my relationship therapist, and she has yet to get back to me. I am asking her how do I get him to buy me her latest course for $1800. Because I was going through the internet at some other experts on this stuff and they only charge $40-80 for their stuff. Some of the stuff I read for free from them hits very close to home on the authenticity issue. I mean its very good stuff, and I have been using it. But, when your man is being an asshat the proper thing to do is circular date. Yep. Go out an meet new men (not to date with per say, but to boost your confidence lever). Ok, ha ha. So men boost my confidence? Isn't that my job? Lay aside the morality issue her for a second, but if I wanted to circular date I would be doing it already. And I don't want to. I know I joked about it a time or two on my blog but seriously, I'm into this man alone, and if a relationship guru doesn't understand that, then that's just them not being available or being present. I believe any woman who goes online seeking advice on this issue, feels the exact way I do. Actually, the whole idea of circular dating makes me ill. Don't go tell a heartbroken woman to go out and find a new man. Yes, she can do it, but she doesn't want to. Help her right now with what she is feeling. Go, put on the tea kettle, sit down and relax and feel everything right along with her. Give her your presence.
From my own relationship site, I learned that crying is good when its authentic. Its ok to cry for hours if you feel like it. But it makes my DH look like he is ready to go through the ceiling. I mean, picture a baby crying and the mother (if she is not a narcissistic) gets hormones running through her body that calls her to take action and do something. For babies are very authentic. That is the way it is in relationships too. But I had to ask her how come he looks like he is ready to lose it? Isn't authentic crying a visible explicit vulnerability. All I can do is be authentic, for if I try to cover up my feelings there is no connection. Everything has to be heard and very visible. We communicate through our emotions, men don't hear words. Words are interpreted by our own logic, but emotions are universal.
When my kids were little and they cried I would ask them what was wrong. And they hardly could ever tell me. They just felt bad. They only had the feelings. Feelings are not always right or wrong, or even rational. They are just feelings, but we should be able to feel them instinctively and not just fear them and make them go away. But I think, you are only alive when you feel is all, right or wrong. Just like pain. Now, we don't always have to experience pain in our lives. We can escape it when we make the right decisions, but right decisions are not always going to be available to us. Or someone else comes in and causes the pain. When we have to experience it we just have to, its just the way it is.
If it were up to me, I would mortgage the house to pay $1800 for that course. Anything coming from there I trust so well. Before them, I was barely a shell able to cope. I know I said that before. They do so much more than teach about relationships. And they don't teach us to try to manipulate men, like some do. "Commitment now or I'm off." It is not at the heart of a true woman.
I had to experience rejection. Now, I could have just laughed it off, just like the good mommy told me to, but I felt rejection instead. Over somthing that I didn't even care about in the first place. I wasn't on that forum to cause trouble, only to learn and be myself. But I lost that abilty and experienced rejection instead. So I didn't even have to go through that pain did I?
I did because MN mother programmed me that way. I will have to experience pain, for that is what she liked. Not for my sake but for her sake. She wanted to feel good. The only way she could feel good was through my pain. So I was programmed to feel pain through every experience I would have in life. No matter what it was.
So I have a new lesson to teach myself, something new to self-reference with. Is every pain necessary?
So today I went to a quilt show. It was interesting to say the least, there are so many things I want to get to try to do. The quilt show was out of town, and I saw someone there that nearly made me fall over. She was a woman I knew some time ago at a job I did when I got bullied. Now, she was not the actual bully, but she joined up with the crowd. I actually felt bad today. All those years ago I took all those people to task and lodged a bullying complaint. Her too. I listed her as well. So today I felt bad that I did that.
Oh boy was I wrong. No way, I should not feel badly here, I did nothing wrong. That woman tried to make me feel like an idiot all those years ago by giving me a lecture about how to be a decent person, and how I should try to get along with others, but she was mean too as well. Granted, I may have been fleabagging it as I tended to do (I hope that the term "fleabagging isn't offensive to anyone here). But I always felt like I was a good person with a good heart, and only did what I was taught. Any normal person should have seen that. Right? But she held nothing back, then she began to complain that she felt bad about being mean to me, just like my dear mommy used to do when she was tormenting me and then said, "Oh my poor baby, I'll go make you a hot chocolate." That shit is gaslighting folks. Don't ever forget that. Don't matter if they are a malignant narcissist or not, anyone who joins in with them, are definitely doing evil. So tonight I decided to sit back and type.
So I didn't talk to her today, and she never saw me, but it seems like we travel in the same circles now. It was like God was allowing me to see her first, then He'll help me with the rest. I will not bend my head in shame about it nosiree. She might be uncomfortable with me about the bullying complaint, but whatever, I really don't care. That's a bitch.
I am learning to trust my first instincts when they come along. Do any of you relate to this? This tendency of nonkindness in others when you are down. I am not down anymore. I see these enemies but I realize that God doesn't like it either.
So there are malignant narcissists everywhere, I just can't get away from them. But I am coping with them better. I used to feel so much anxiety over it, but not so much anymore. Understanding has brought me to a better place.