Reading back over the last few postings I have made, I realized that my postings sound rather preachy. And that is not my intent. Now, all kinds of people have misunderstood me in the past, I have been called all sorts of things, and I can't fully express what I was doing.
There is this thing that shuts me down. When abuse happens somewhere I can retreat somewhere in my mind, where I don't even hear them. But I must hear them, cause the results are telling me that I do hear them. I let things flow off my back, and this is not a good thing to do.
I think I get preachy, because it all sounds better to me coming from there. It's like I have to hear demands, then I'm really listening. I don't know if that is a good thing or a bad thing, but it is best for now, and just feel my way through.
The point is to not to judge where I am at and say to myself that this behaviour is good and that behaviour is bad. I am to feel where it is going, because it all has a purpose. All I can judge are my intents. And I need this stuff to clearly speak to me.
In a way, we ACON's understand eachother better than anyone else in the world can. I'm hoping to have that understanding. This stuff I am working on in my life is hard stuff. I never had a mother who would help me at this age or that age, and help guide me through. She was hateful and mean and spiteful even taking and saying stuff to me at such an early age. Even saying stuff like all men want is sex. I know a lot of people have heard that from their parents growing up, but with the narcissistic parent its either do or die, you have to believe it, and narcissists always up the ante.
Last night, I didn't sleep well. I was hurt, scared, angry over something that I want to be so angry about. But the real authentic feeling was hurt. And I felt so hurt, that I had no one again. I was back at square one, at this age, wondering what to do. My relationship site helped me out quite a bit last night, and as I leaned on them, I knew in my heart what to do, but I was raised a different way.
Its like these behaviours we learned in childhood gets a hold of us and won't let go. And while we might see things in their proper perspective, it is only a dim light because our formative years are the feelings that are taking over.
Since my mother was engulfing, I was sort of raised to be a spoiled brat. But not a real spoiled brat. I think I will go to war over things, that cause me severe pain. That is what I mean by spoiled brat in my case, I can easily be self harming. Mother enjoyed this narcissistic supply, probably more than everything. A real spoiled brat, raised well, has a very indelible way of knowing how to get what they want. I don't, I just sort of self-propel into a dizzy.
I felt abandoned. What the heck am I going to do back here in the bush, all by myself for an entire week? I know I can go into the city and visit the kids. I have a family. No older adults to help me with the pain I feel though.
Oh I'm sure he doesn't understand what he did. But I can't tell what he's thinking. I just feel my own feelings here and articulate them in a way he can understand, and have faith that it will work. I know that he is a kind, loving person, and I have to trust that. Trust is hard for an ACON though.
Is he going to take all my hurt and use it against me? Like others have done to me?
I know he doesn't have the capacity to do that, so I don't know what will be the result.
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