Tuesday, December 22, 2015

Feeling Like Crap

This Christmas is about the worst ever.  I spent 5 months making wall hangings, I first believed would not take too long, leaving a lot of my projects to go behind.  Shopping today with the DH, was a pain in the butt.  I got no cookies or baking done, and I'm soooo exhausted.  He drove us out to the main road, not even bother to put the truck into 4 wheel drive, which drives me crazy, it slides, even with the studded tires.  Our road has not been cleaned up yet, and we just had a big snowstorm. I dragged DH around, he met some people he would stop and talk, a long time, but I was able to find some sewing supplies while he did so.  So not too too bad.  We met up with his mother, and she asked what we were up to.  He said, "Spending money."  Ok, well, you know he is not very evolved and a total pain in my butt sometimes.  But she answered him, it was so funny, "Wow, are you ever lucky," with a chipper look on her face.

We slip slidded all the way back home, again, not changing to four wheel.  When we got back home, I put all my stuff down.  I was so tired.  And it was time to start dinner.  Dinner tonight was the left over roast beef, so I threw some potatoes into the casserole dish, with the roast, put the whole thing on low, and went and sat down.

I've had a horrible headache for the past 2 days.  I've been taking some Advil, but our weather changes, my head will feel it regardless.  But when I noticed how this day went with him, then I looked over at him.  He was chipper.  But he wasn't chipper with me at first, but he is now.

This morning, I was making the shopping list, and said I needed gift bags.  He said, "Oh now your adding to the list,"  I told him to shut up, I've already been tired from his impatience.  I know he wanted to get it all over with.  So I was trying, I really was, but it's hard.  Nothing is easy for me, and he was making it harder.

But now he was chipper, and I can't help but wonder if it has anything to do with meeting up with people, and meeting up with his mother.  His mother's comment to him made him smile.  And I'll never get over that.  She didn't miss a beat and she is almost 80.  She is cooking up a storm, and their apartment will be well decorated.

And I can't help but think about our Quilting Guild President, won first prize on the contest that covers a wide territory.  I went there, there must have been a thousand quilts entered, and she won first prize.  How is that even possible?

I had a career I could barely get off the ground.  I am a quilter, and its hard.  I am the cook, cleaner, sweeper, launderer, cat caretaker, everything, is just barely done.  I feel so horrible some times, it is always like this.

I can't help but think of the pot roast.  I remember when mother was still in my life, and I felt that when she went back home, I was so deliriously happy, I was practically doing cartwheels.  That felt wrong.  I should have been happy to have her around, but I wasn't, she made me miserable.

So I think of the pot roast.  It was a simple meal.  Pot roast, potatoes, green beans, gravy and I remember feeding that to mother one day.  She told me that it was lousy, that it was welfare food. Anything I cooked was awful, or it was welfare food.  I remember when she was with her boyfriend, and I invited her over to dinner.  I made spaghetti, and she sniffed every bite, obnoxiously.  I ignored that, this was mommy.

DH mother, a world of difference.  I read to him one day from Q's blog.  The part where the mother accidentally slipped on a dick.  Sorry Q.  I was laughing and looked over at DH, and he looked shocked.  I realized then what I did, and went oops, not for him.

I don't know if you watch The Young and the Restless, but there is a girl on there who was raised in a cult.  I don't know but the writers got everything so right about her, in my opinion, I don't know how they get it.  Anyway the girl was raised in a cult.  She is a nice girl, doesn't hurt anyone, but everytime she tries to talk in a conversation, some of the stuff she says, people look at her shocked. She doesn't understand, and just goes, "What did I say?"  And no one says anything.

Well, I do that too sometimes.  I have to stay alone lots, for the stuff that comes out of my mouth is not for the nice, normal people, and I hate that.  My Christian ethics aside, I will say or do the wrong thing, or offend someone badly, not intentionally, but eventually.

Now I am left with impossible circumstances again.  We have a blended family.  His daughter, I have on facebook, but I can't seem to communicate with very well.  She comes here, and tends to drive her father nuts.  She wants money, this or that.  She told me that I have to make her a quilt now, said I should go get a job as a waitress, she has some friends to help.  I know, she might have been trying to be helpful, but I am not returning to work.  Especially to go waitress.  I can do my best, to reach out to the kids, but, I'm finding it difficult with this one.  She snoops, she sneers, and I am finding that hard.  She crosses boundaries in regards to respect.

But I am not writing to talk about that.  Just that I am not knowledgeable, and I don't want to say anything to her that would cause more discomfort for us.  Just don't know what to do is all.  If I was normal, I am sure that I would be baking pies, wrapping presents, and have a great relationship, one that is beyond normal.  I know he is capable of that.  I've seen it sometimes.  Just like his mother could get him out of his doom and gloom, I can't.

I remember my mother and her talks with me.  I serve welfare food.  I don't do anything right.  And when we went out, I was tripping all over the place.  For she was always making fun of me.  Now I know I have to transcend this, if I want the kind of life that I want.

I'm giving out these handmade wall hangings that look like crap to me.  My friend told me that they looked beautiful.  I thought they look too amateurish, after all the beautiful handmade things I've seen people do.  I just don't feel that I can do anything right.  I don't dare voice this, there is no one to tell this to.

Specific things about mother I am trying to remember, but I am starting to forget.  But I do mention them here and there, and when one memory pops up, I make sure to put it in someone's blog.  I get the word out, I try.

So I feel like I can't do anything right.  I spent 2 hours reading over at my relationship board, I had to. I even feel like I'm failing in that.  The one thing I read about that lit me up was the posting on jealously.  It was very helpful.  You see, jealousy is hard wired in women like you wouldn't believe, from thousands of years of needing men.  We couldn't spear our own mammoths, it was not allowed. You hang on to your man for dear life.  So jealousy is ok.  I'm not talking about the covetousness, just jealousy.  A not very comfy feeling.  But it is legit.  So just feel it.  It is also causes us to have to take action, which I am terrible at.  It is easier to sit and die.

Do what our female ancestors did and not allow for shenanigans.  It works.  Tell him I feel jealous? Yes.  It is not wrong.  Whatever you do, take action.

I find that hard.  According to mother, I was stupid and useless.  This was the woman who raised me. She really raised me to die, you know.  Somehow, I am a survivor, and I remain in hope.  It is the way I've always been.  So with no abilities of my own, I choose hope.  I keep trying.

There is one big problem.  The site I'm in is an action site.  You don't get to live in mediocrity.  If you pay thousands of dollars for her course, you can ask for your money back for the program is hard.  It can't be injected like a needle, you have to do it.  Transcend those thoughts.

Woman, go claim your territory.  Choose now.  And this is not easy.  This is what I wanted to write about today.  Go in your room, close the door, and stay there till your brain figures out you are alone and the bullshit stops, and the truth finally comes out.  Cry, do whatever, find the truth.  I have tried to do that over and over.  And that is what I have come up with.  Mother never wanted me to live. Somehow it would have been a boon to her existence to having the absolute control, and that would mean I die.

But I didn't die.  I like things to be going well, just that they never are.  A lot of it has to do with my state of mind.

So I should not be allowing DH to be at his SIL beckon call either.  I should never allow it.  Not at all.  I can own him?  Yes.  I know lots of people don't believe that, that's ok, but I am to own him plain and simple.  When SIL leaves me out, I am to actually inform her that she is not to do that, and that I won't tolerate it anymore.  I am to take action, not to crumble.  No, he is not going to go against me on this, and he doesn't understand what is going on either, she is too out of range of the radar for him to see it.

Basically, I am to take control.  This is hard for me, it really is, but this is what the living does, the dead just sits and waits to die.  Just do it.  She saw me as prey before, but she won't see me as prey anymore.  And if she ever flashes her boobs again, I am to wrap them around her throat, metaphorically speaking.  He's already told me he has no interest in her boobs.  I can say anything I want to.

I don't know what I would have been if I was raised in a good home.  I think pretty awesome.  I do have a lot of thoughts of not giving a shit, and that is good feeling thoughts.

I noticed that I wake up in the morning, with all these thoughts pouring in my head.  Telling me that I am no good, blah blah blah.  No wonder I am exhausted before I can begin my day.  I'm exhausted.   Very specific thoughts come to light every now and again.  Why do I feel so hard on myself?  Why can't I just go on that trip, and not feel so badly about an email?

For all that stuff doesn't matter.  It doesn't matter if someone doesn't like me.  I just saw a facebook meme, about the most awesome one I have ever seen that said, "If everyone loved me, I would be bacon."  How true is that?

I thought I was out of the approval seeking toilet long ago, and I am, just some tricky stuff comes up every now and again.  There are some easy not seeking approval, and some trips me up, stays out of the radar.  So DH said I was invited on that trip, by him, and I should have went.  But I went, "narc this, narc that."  But who gives a shit right?  Just go.  And when I got there and I saw her, I can tell her that I saw the email, so f**k off.  Yep, I'm not kidding.  And be upfront, and demand to be noticed.

Right or wrong, I intend to wake up tomorrow, bound and determined, I will get through the day without feeling like crap.  It will happen.  So I take every horrible thought I have about myself and just say no.  So this is a lot of work, but it will be worth it.  This is why I can't ever be in contact with mother again.  However, I feel about mother, she undoes all my progress.  And if mother was a real person, she would understand.  I keep thinking of parallel universes, not that I believe that, just interesting.  That if I walked into a parallel universe, and mother was normal, she would be running to tell me that.