The Cost of Peace

I don't know why I have such a big mouth.  There is an horrible family dynamic in DH family and I uncovered it, but I'm not supposed to.  There is a reason that DH doesn't want me on that trip.  I might expose the truth.

When we first got together and we went there, he didn't know me too well.  I spent a long time observing this crazy witch of a SIL, then on the way back home I was talking about my own MN SIL, they were exactly the same.  My own brother is in complete denial as his MN wife emotionally torments the family and I knew this from an early age.  The abuse signs was all there.  I never did tell my brother that, and maybe I stayed in denial about it, but the truth was definitely there.  She rules the household with an iron fist and so does DH MN SIL.

I want people to understand.  I was told to shut up all my life, get along.  I never got along with anyone hardly.  DH even told me that I had a hard time getting along with people.  He was trying to help me I guess.

I'm just realizing this now.  The whole family is in denial over this crazy bitch and I stand here and he is keeping me away.  He seems to know that I will blow the whistle on her.  Even those emails.  I mean, WTF was up with that?  Is she completely and utterly nuts?  Who does that?  Gaslight with actual physical evidence.  My MN mother would be ashamed to see that.  But SIL doesn't know I'm awake and aware and I suppose it was time to screw me over.  Play a game, assault me.  And DH is covering for her.  He wants to keep the peace, peace at any cost.

I remember a line in my favorite movie, The Ten Commandments.  When Moses disappeared Joshua found him and Moses told Joshua, that he only wanted to live in peace now.  Joshua replied, "How can you expect peace or even want it while Ramses is building cities on the blood of our people."

I used to listen to Joyce Meyer on tv.  Not anymore.   She said that we must live in peace. To me that blew out every good thing she has ever said otherwise! All the churches and tv evangelists say that. People, the bible doesn't teach that!  In fact, it even says that our enemies may be those of our own household.  I am living very close to that scripture these days.  I can't seem to live in peace no matter what.  Not my whole life while I was the target of bullies and abusers.  Not now while my DH kisses narc butt.  And I am the scapegoat!  His wife is a scapegoat.  What peace!

There will be times of war.  I mean real war, not this bullshit you see going on that feeds the narc sharks.  Governments paying both sides to fight.  Does that not seem like bullshit to you?  And narc supply?

I am growing up faster and faster these days.  Left alone to think things through, I mentioned in the comment section of my last post that when my husband told me that he has seen his SIL boobs, I asked him, "Is that ok to see your brother's wife's boobs?"  He hemmed and hawed got out of the chair, left the room, basically trying to get the hell away from me.  This was just before he told me that I was not going on the trip. 

Ok, if I'm going to be in peace, I'm going to have to be in heaven, that's all.  Nothing else.  This world is not offering me too much right now, I am not making this my permanent place, I come from somewhere else.

So what does the scapegoat do now?  Every friggin time I open my mouth it gets me into trouble. But it wasn't intended for me to be the scapegoat, I was engulfed by MN mother.  I guess I was supposed to be some kind of GC but that never happened.

It is obvious to me that he is keeping me away from his crazy SIL because I might blow the whistle. This is deja vu for me I've been here before.

Staying Safe

I take it for granted that a narcissist is grandiose.  This puffed-up image of themselves needs to be held up by someone, I don't think they can do it alone, thus they are parasitical in nature.

When I was growing up, an unspoken rule was, "Do not challenge the tyrant."  Very well then, we made out like mother had the whitest laundry that we have ever seen.  Clothes hanging on the line that were white were practically expected to be worshipped.  I don't know if people coming from loving homes ever had to do this for their parents.  To uphold this fact.

Or mother would just brag about herself.  And everything coming out of her mouth was the truth, you better believe it.  I got the sense she got rid of narcs that were too obvious. Such was the case with my brother's wife.  Mother had a very good excuse though.  When my SIL was being abusive to her daughter my mother actually called her on it.  She would do that with a lot of narcs.  It was like mother was saying, ' Don't be stupid, don't get caught, it is too easy to see what you are doing."

Mother could practice gaslighting so well, I'm still caught by this one.  I'm learning to catch it though. Trouble is my body reacts to narcs before my brain ever could.  That't the tricky part.  The fight or flight kicks in before I even have a chance to think.  Sometimes I don't realize until a day or so later what happened.

What amazes me, and still amazes me is that I grew up under this.  Didn't find out until I was much, much older what happened.  I thought no one but mother was the most loving and kind.  Now, if she were to ever call me again, I would have to tell her that she must take this all up with God and not with me, for He holds her eternal fate in His hands.

Wow, imagine saying that to a narc? lol  It would be fun.  That would be smashing the grandiose image for sure.  This is someone who even sees herself above God Almighty and would love to usurp Him from the throne.  She would be in charge of the universe at that point, and any changes she would make to the design or plan, must be met with, "Thank you God."

That is what she is like.  You can't invade that image.  It is so strong.  I used to get beatings(usually emotional) if I even dared challenged her.  She was the greatest, most loving, hardworking, etc.

She wasn't.  She was and is a parasite.  They all are.  They use people to hold up their image.  Its like this all the time.  Mother was worshiped by the masses, seemingly living a very ordinary life.  She never had goals or dreams, or ever existed as a person of her own caliber.  I was forced to provide her with this image.  She lived on images.  A pretend life.  I don't know what she ever did that was ever that great.  She only made everyone fearful of ever crossing her, so they upheld her, as such she lived a useless and meaningless life.

I think back on her now and I can see the way she used to look at me.  That staring glare, I used to believe was love.  She loved me so much, couldn't stand to be away from me, and stared at me all the time.  That staring was the collection of supply, for I was sensitive.  I was and still am very sensitive. Narcs pick up on this and I spent my life fighting the sharks.  I could have got into it again, but I avoided that camping trip but I worry about what now.  DH SIL is not going to take this well.  This damages the grandiose image, and I have got to pay for that.  It was easy for me to see her grandiose ways 3 and a half years ago.  She kept the cabin clean, and caught the most fish.  And everyone said so!  Its funny, I could do that and not a word.  How do they do it?

Well, unless she has given up and decided to look for easier prey, I am in for big trouble when DH comes home.  I'm leaving on Tuesday and will be gone till Wednesday, so hopefully he will run out of steam, concerning the smear campaigns.  He gets back on Tuesday, so he'll have time alone. Hopefully, that will work.  But can we really avoid a smear campaign?  Will he defend me to a freak, he has been a narc defender all his life.  He is someone I need to watch out for.

Here is a few things I've been thinking of saying.  "Have you seen the movie gaslight?  Wasn't he such a wonderful man?"  Or "I pissed in every cabana from here to Texas, if I whipped it out like that I would surely be arrested."  Ok, I don't have a thing to whip out.  Just mulling this one over.  I think I'll just say, "Yeah eh?"  To everything that even remotely smears me.

The point is to not gaslight myself.  Believe that I was not responsible for this, even though she might sit on a sliver of the truth, get it out of my head that I was not to blame.  It was not my fault.  Narcs need a sliver of truth for lies and evil can't stand alone.  So she needs to uphold her image of grandiosity.

Not that DH will be abusive towards me.  When he left here, he was playing cards on the computer and I asked him, "Don't you have to get ready for your trip?"  He then got ready.  Did I push him out the door?  No.  I was trying to give him his freedom, for I think he felt bad and was having a hard time leaving so I relieved him of that.  Big hug and kiss.  Then I asked him if he could leave me the camera and he could use his cellphone as a camera.  (We can't talk on the phone, there is no cell phone power where he is going).  He kind of played a game over this.  He didn't outward say that I could use the camera.  No yes or no.  Just played around.  I told him a long time ago that he can't do that with me, it triggers me, and here he was doing it again.  But one word from me, "I don't understand please make yourself clear."  Then he answered me with a yes and a smile.

Stick to truth and reality.  Stay with it.  It is like surfing on a wave.  There will be some trouble spots, but stay with truth and reality and it should go fine.  Sometimes we fear things that are anticipatory. The psyche community calls this anticipatory anxiety and I have some writing on it that I kept from a long time ago:

"The truth about anticipatory anxiety is that the actual situation is usually never as bad or as anxiety-producing as the anticipatory anxiety.  Your fears are much worse when you are anticipating the situation than they will be when you actually are in the situation.  The wall of anticipatory anxiety is often what keeps you from moving ahead, keeps you from making decisions and following through, and keeps you from taking chances that will help you improve your life.  Don't tell yourself you want to wait until you are certain you are over your problems with anxiety or panic before you try working on certain limitations.  That is putting the cart before the horse.  You must get out and do these things, experience anxiety and understand that you will survive, and that it will not hurt you . This is the way you  will begin to get over your anxiety disorder.  Give yourself permission to feel anxious while you are out working on a new limitation.  Of course you feel anxious!  You are trying something new and challenging.  Try to view your anxiety as excitement.  Many of the body symptoms are the same.  And be sure to praise yourself for even the smallest success."

Such invalidating shit huh?  Push through eh?  Just go out there and experience anxiety?  What we have experienced as ACONs is that it is wall we are trying to push through is our body warning us of great danger.  Great danger.  We did not make ourselves like this.  This saying is just like them telling us, "Yes we know that is a grizzly bear but push through go pet him on the nose."  Our bodies tell us otherwise.  Such shit, I had it with the psyche community.  You can disagree with me if you want to, everyone gets a say.

And this saying is so invalidating.  If you are an ACON reading this, you are probably over the age of forty.  Many of us didn't survive.  I read how some people died early from predators.  Travis Alexander, Stacy Peterson, to name just two off the top of my head.  Both these people had experience with child abuse abandonment.  They are dead.  You are not dead you got through, amazing isn't it?  I can never get over that.

You know what I think has kept me alive?  It was all the psychopath movies I watch.  I look at the DVR and here is my list:

Sleeping with the Enemy
Kept Woman
The Bad Seed
Committed
Drew Peterson: Untouchable
Jodi Arias: Dirty Little Secret
The Baby
The Perfect Assistant
The Amityville Horror
The Girl he met online
Harm's Way

I had deleted a few, but these are the one's I keep playing on the tv and I never watch them.  They play on in the background while I'm doing things, sort of like a normal person listens to a radio.  This is no game it seems.  My brain is somehow trying to learn how to stay alive around predators.  This happens automatically I can't help it.  I have been doing this for a very long time.

So this new predator disguised as a sister-in-law will be out for the kill I'm so sure.  They give up easily, but not always.  She doesn't know I'm awake and aware and could think that I just got busy and couldn't make the trip, who knows, but she may not be done with me yet.

I choose to stay innocent of all this.  If he says I hurt her feelings, I will know something is up.  The stinkbomb will be set.  She will slather me with guilt, shame.  She will play the victim.  But who sent that first email?  Did I start all this?  I can't say that though.  Truth will be hard to grasp at that point. I will then just realize it, then move on. Hopefully, and I pray that we will get through this.

Its funny, I wasn't going to post this.  I just wanted to write something that was totally meaningless, but I delved into my heart.  Have you ever did that in a blog?  Just say that you were going to write and not post because the meaning is too personal?  I just have, its great.

An Emotional Crisis

A certain question was raised as to why and how long I've been hacking into DH's email, and it is a very valid question.  I would like to explore that if I may.  There was a lot of pain I attached to those emails, and I can't seem to cope with it.  Maybe its anger?  I don't feel in my heart that it was a revenge plot, but just me seeking answers.  I promise to always be open and authentic on this blog, the cupcake recipes?  Next blog, next lifetime.

I have lots of issues.  I can barely leave the house at times, and that is probably why DH wanted to go alone on his camping trip.  There are lots of people there, and I don't know anyone.  The experience is way to terrifying for me.  I lack the charm to pull off anything nicely.  I get trapped in my own head at times, and I just start reacting.  I worry of how you all think of me at times, I'm so weird but its a risk I'm willing to take.  The rewards of this risk outweighs the bad.

So lets explore one feeling I have.  I get abandoned by the ACON online community.  For being a freak.  I can try and not say anything, but I have to, you know that.  Everything has to come out.  If I get misunderstood?  It has happened before, that feeling I am well aware of.  It is not keeping in line with everyone is the thing that counts here.  What counts is some sort of recovery, and that can only happen with disclosure.  I know in my heart that I have compassion, I feel everything, good and bad. Just some of the things I do might not be so good.

Lets get back to that email.  DH and I share emails.  After I saw that email I went into his email myself and took it and placed it in my blog.  Not a very nice thing to do.  My feelings at the time was so over the top, I can't explain that one.  Maybe I did have a revenge plot.  Maybe.  But I think that mostly I wanted some feedback from the others to see if my mind is not playing tricks on me.  I'm just developing the ability to self-reference.

I don't want a relationship where I have to control him,  no not at all.  I want this to be sane.  I have worked very hard on things and I was trying so hard, we were getting along so well, everything was darn near perfect then his wacky MN SIL sent him the email, strange things came out of his mouth, and oh I was so terrified.  I felt like I was dreaming when everything was going so well.  And this bitch went and stole everything.  This always happens.  Do  you know what this feels like?  It feels so terrible and empty, and that empty place needs to get filled up.

And no way does he understand.  The narc calls and he listens, he does what every other placater does, be a bastard.  So I was being mean too.  I crossed his boundaries, I mean who cares right?  I don't care at that very moment.  I forget about the person I am, the work I have done on my self, and head into an area of self-sabotage.

At this point, it doesn't matter if I've hurt him.  I don't care about that at all.  Let the groupie get hurt, he deserves it.  But this is not who I am.  I believe in boundaries, I believe in love and kindness, but this was not the behaviour I was displaying at that moment in time.

You know, I don't know what to do when I get dropped off the face of a cliff.  I really don't.  To get smacked down, then what?  Huh?  What do you do when your emotional resources are all gone, I had worked so hard to get emotional resources and then it was gone.

I know I can only make the right decisions from a good emotional place.  I think I got good at doing that.  But how do you handle a crisis?  I don't know.  I only know the way of the narcissist.

Reality

So you read that other email?  There was another email about it this time saying if Joan and he were coming to the camp or their house.  And this time my name was mentioned.  This feels awful.  Was I included all along and the first emails were a mistake?  I need to put it all together again.  Sorry people, just for my purposes, I'm going to analyze this some more.

So ### and I will be off Friday Aug 21 till we'd Sept 2...you coming to camp??

planning on going ,will be leaving on the 27th , leave me a list of what you want me to bring , have to work on sept 2

I'm not sure I got most of it covered...maybe stuff for sandwiches if you want to eat some fishing any snacks you want..we always bring to much anyway...see ya soon

Then just earlier this weekend another email asking if he and Joan were coming to the camp or to their house.  He showed me the email and asked me if I was going.  What a mind boggling science experiment this was.  I got upset.  I said the first emails didn't include me so therefore I was under the assumption that I was not to go, and that he even said he was going alone.  He said he never said that. I said, "Yes, you did, don't you remember?"  Then he closed the email and now he is on his way to his camping trip.  (Sorry, I can't post the actual email, I promised to not hack his email anymore). But I know that the last email included me in an after-the-fact way.

I know the whole thing seems so crazy, and it feels like I misunderstood all along, and that I was actually included.  Now I'm sitting here and I'm wondering if I made the whole thing up, and I don't trust my own thoughts anymore.  Afterall, it was his email right?  What right do I have to assume that I'd be looking at it.  Now the whole thing looks like he is the fraud and SIL is a victim of circumstance.  It feels like it is all on him.  And she looks squeaky clean.  Plausible Deniability. There is no way for me to know which way is up or down anymore.  I've had it with thinking about this.  Yes, I'm hurt.  But I'm also forever grateful that I got out of this trip, it wasn't my doing, and I am entitled to go no contact with them.  For I know that his SIL is a narc, it didn't take me long to discover that on the last trip we went on there.  I can analyze that trip but first I have to start with the prickly pins and needles feelings that I got from there.  Then I can trace back to the emotions associated with that feeling.  This new trip and emails were rather insignificant.  So I won't even worry about the emails anymore.

I do have something for you.  ACON's have got to love this.  Since he answered her last email with just a, "going to the camp."  She thinks I'm going along.  I'm sure now the emails was just a way to screw with me, and now she is sitting at her camp waiting for me in predatory mode.  I don't mind saying that I am the prime rib of narcissistic supply.  At least I was.  Now she won't be getting any! There is this delicious feeling running through me, I friggin know what a narc is like when their expectations get dashed.  Have I found a way to get revenge?  No, I didn't this happened all by itself without me instigating anything.  She doesn't know I'm awake and aware and the whole thing is so friggin funny.

What my husband is going through?  First I'm not to go, then I am to go.  Well, he never pushed for me to go.  He knows I've been upset over this, but still it didn't matter.  It is always what the narc wants that come first.  Throughout my life I have seen my best friends even, turn on me to take care of a narc.  I have seen a lot.  I'm learning to trust my baser instincts on this.  He is turning on me to placate a narc.  When he shows up there alone, the narc will be throwing some kind of fit.  I don't know for sure, but my mother always did when her supply didn't show up.  This might not be a fun trip for any of them.  This being awake and aware has thrown in a new element into the mix.  Otherwise, I would have been screwed with and I would have went there.  Thank God that He intervened for me.  Protecting me.

As far as the smear campaigns go, I know this is up for grabs.  Anything can happen.  But I have told my husband that I don't want anyone talking about me while I'm there and if he could please divert any conversations away from me.  He said, "Ok".  Now that was too easy, and I don't get that.  Probably just to placate me and not start any argument.  But maybe they will talk about me and the smear campaign will begin?  Maybe, but I'll be aware of that too.  I'm praying, and it might even matter if nothing is said about me, the narc is a covert abuser.  My husband might hate me after this trip and he won't even know why.  That's just the way it is.  I wish I could just dump his ass.  But the best I can do is pray and hope that he opens his eyes and sees what is happening here.  If this was a normal woman, none of this would have happened.  A normal woman would make sure, absolutely sure, that there is another woman on the trip.  You can't tell me otherwise.  She would make darn sure of it.

And I know that I haven't told him in years that I never wanted to go on that trip.  We were talking about it earlier this summer, because we have a cat and we were making plans to bring him along, all before this mess of the emails started.

I am absolutely content that this is another narc attack, who is manipulating her placater.  It is hard on me, but I know what is happening.  

I worry about my ability to see truth and reality.  Its hard because it is challenged at every turn.  I have to be stronger than the voices playing on in my head.  And the voices all around me.

I am content that this is a narc attack, and he is a narc placater. And narc placaters do what they have always done. They follow the program.  BLINDLY OR THEY DON'T WANT TO KNOW.

I kept getting told that I didn't want to go.  And he says that I told him that earlier earlier on this summer.  Not so.  I even told him that I remember distinctly that we were discussing bringing the cat. And that was just a month or so ago.  I asked him not to lie to me about that.  I am really getting fed up.  Can we trade men in like we do cars?  I have my heart set on one that looks like Sean Connery. This could really play with my mind if I let it.  I told him I didn't want to go three years ago.  I know I didn't say that at all this year.  But he has to believe I did, this is something he has probably always done.

I get the feeling that he is not lying to me.  He is not purposefully screwing me over to save the narc hide.  He really isn't.  He really believes I just said this summer that I'm not going.  It is giving him some comfort continually saying that, and that is what he is believing.  When I said that it was in the email, and the email said that they only wanted him to go, he asked me, "Why would they leave you out of the email, you tell me what reason would they have."  

Evil is evil, there is no other way to define it.  Narcs are evil beings who do things for no reason, just for the fun of it.  No, I'm not going to tell him that.  My answer was, "There is no answer to that question, but it is interesting that you have asked me that."

I'm tired of this delusional man.  Really tired.  I have to accept the fact that he will be siding with the narcs over me.  I live in a world where there are narcs and narc placaters who don't seem to know it. They won't cross a narc, no way.  Its like somewhere inside themselves they know they are dealing with a sociopath and have to be careful.  He has no fear of me, but the freak he does.  I'm being told I said something I didn't say, my past is being used against me, and written words are used to destroy understanding.  Words are used for clarification and communication, when they get distorted, you know its a red flag.  Its been hard to accept this part of him.  I pray for us to somehow get past this.

I uncovered this mess.  I have seen with my own awakened eyes stuff I have seen all my life.  I realize now, that in the past my interpretation of events were not necessarily true.  I used to believe shit from people, now I know better.

I am daring myself to actually venture into some pretty shaky waters, that I never was willing to venture into.  I think all that is more important to me now.  I'm trying to accept reality.  Reality is not hitting me in the face, it just feels strange.  Strange because it is not easy to trust real reality right now, just is so weird.

I'm creating a boundary between my husband and I, I have done so all this time for he doesn't know, and I do, so I have to be careful.  He still thinks there is goodness inside of everyone.  I don't believe that.  And I never did. Thus we will need boundaries from now on.  He knows that some people just don't like me.  He thinks its me because I'm the only common denominator.  This sucks.  It feels like I'm the most offensive person on the planet though.  And I don't even have him on my side.

I can self-reference, but its very hard.  Believing what maybe untrue thoughts, I have to realize that my mind has been manipulated and I must train myself to put things into place.  The first step into doing that will have to be, well I'll have to learn to live in reality.

This is hard.  I have to distract myself constantly, and get myself stabilized over and over again.  I can't deal with the situation anymore.  We will not have any more conversations about it.  He is a narc placater plain and simple.  I've seen them before.  I have experience with that.  I have always been presented with skewed information, and I used to call it reality.  Take that email for instance, it looks like a cardboard hologram from the old cereal boxes. Now you see it (its a sadistic bullying tactic), Now you don't (its a misunderstanding).

I will, from now on, have to be vigilant on what information comes to me.  I will be a target, and that is just the way it is.  I will have to learn from each and every experience I have.

In a way, I'm glad to be an ACON, an awake one that is.  I don't have to accept the bullshit like the others do. One day I looked randomly at mother while she was ironing.  It was a blank stare, an empty face that I think she always had when no one was watching.  I get the feeling that while no supply was being gathered, she could shut right down, just like a robot.  Another time, I remember her saying, "You always hurt the one you love."  Then she looked all relaxed and happy.  I'm not sure if that was a song, it might have been.  I realize now the reason it made her so happy was because if that line was true then that made her the most loving person, for she was the most hurtful.  Well, I guess narcissists do what they do, and mother felt that her grandiosity needed to come first, above all.
But I remember believing the lies, the bullshit, not anymore.

Does anyone ever notice when an MN is around, it doesn't take very long to feel the adrenaline run through your body?  That it is time to walk on eggshells now?  I do.  And that feeling comes along and there is not a whole lot of exchange that goes on between me and the narc.  But it happens fast. Someone in my church group gives me that feeling and I'm trying to see what it is all about.  I'm really more curious these days about narcs.  Especially since discovering SIL.  Well, in my church group, and there are two narcs there!  One gave me the creeps right off the bat, and it didn't seem like she was that covert at all.

But there is another one.  I get the creeps from her. Everyone likes her, but I always notice that she looks like she is going to kill someone.  She has me freaking right out.  And the feeling that comes in my body.  Wow.  There is no gettting away from the feelings that well up in me, and there is nothing I can do to stop it.  Nothing.  No sweet words coming from her or about her.  My feeling is so strong. And I used to wonder why I felt this way about her.  She spent 20 years praying for her unsaved husband.  This is a very solid lady.  I look over at her and my body almost grinds to a halt if I try and approach her, I can't friggin approach her, and I have no choice.  And nowadays, it stands to reason that someone who prays for her unsaved husband for 20 years, is a high status that any narc will love to have!  And I knew this 2 years ago, before I knew anything about narcs.

Just as she talks I can see the way her mouth moves.  The corners of her mouth turn downward, and that triggers anxiety in me.  But a lot of people have mouths who do that, especially with age and/or weight gain.  Or just normally.  And I usually see those people and I have no problem.  I can't tell you why I am getting the creeps from her.  I noticed she is quite bossy and domineering, but she comes at it in a kind way.  At least everyone else thinks so.  I don't.  But I have heard her say things that were very cutting to others, things that are not normal or humane.  I don't know.  But try to pull me with a tow truck to get me to go near her.  I can't, my body won't let me.  I think my body is trying to tell me something, and I have to pay attention to it.  I will try to listen to her more carefully to hear the things she says.  I know she has a son that has severe anxiety, she has brought that up.  I actually heard her call her son stupid once.  She acted like she was a poor sweet mother with this stupid son.  And everyone was sympathetic towards her, I mean she did it so covertly, that anyone would feel badly for her having a stupid son. I know as a mother that it is impossible to say that of my kids.  It would never happen.  But wow, I just remembered this bit about her son.  I was so focused on the feelings in my body, the flight syndrome, and as I was typing I remembered the son, she is dangerous.  No doubt about that now.  Blogging helps me remember stuff.

I listen to the adrenaline, but I know that some people who try to be my friend first and somehow that feeling goes away fast, till I realize that years later that person turned me into an emotional slave. But I just started to realize that people like that, I knew all along were narcs.  Just the friendship thing kept me in denial, for I have forever wanted to be accepted.  So I no longer look for approval from anyone.  I keep a conscious vigilance over my mouth and facial expressions, and stuff I say.  I can't do it all the time, but I'm getting better at it and that is all that counts.

I had a friend once who was so nasty she didn't hide her narcissism very well.  Even in my unawakened state, I picked up on it right away.  One time she went in for surgery, and when she went home and asked me to help her.  I did plan on staying at least a few nights there on a cot she borrowed.  The problem was that the cot had a wire sticking out of it.  I told her that, and still offered to stay, I said I would sleep on the couch instead.  She hollered at me, "Oh Joan, you are always complaining." Can you imagine that?  That was our last meeting, I walked right out of her apartment and left the pork chops frying in the pan.  Six months later, she called me and left a message on my answering machine.  She said, "Its Christmastime, are you over your hissy fit?"  lol, yep.

But this was not the case with another narc friend I had.  That one I kept around for 20 years.  We were very close.  I could actually talk to her and she would never get nasty.  Never.  I have to look back now and see her vicious behaviour.  I remember quite a few things, but she was way more covert.  I told her once that I had to return a faulty item I bought at the store.  She told me that it was people like me that caused stores to go out of business.  Lots of things.  I talked about her before.  My children picked up on her when they were little.  They felt that they couldn't cross her.  I might write a post entirely on her, it is a lot.  But it took me a long time, that one was extremely hard to spot.

And what is this thing about narcs?  Part of my husband's problem with his SIL I'm pretty sure about, is that he doesn't think that she would harm someone for no reason, there has got to be a reason. There doesn't.  She might not like me because I did something to her, and I was an emotional wreck when we first got together.  So I get blamed for the snub?  Ok.  If I was an emotional wreck at the time, I accept that.  I was not so horrible.  I know I wasn't, but I have to remember that Satan will use the past to torment me.  That is going to happen.  I was mistaken in thinking that he blamed me for that.  I don't think he is concerned with that, that part I might have been imagining.  He mentioned it in the beginning of all this, just once.  I have to be careful here, too many people are trying to mess with my mind.

I keep thinking of the apostle Paul calling himself a bondservant of Jesus Christ when he was in an actual prison.  So I guess it must be the same for me, but I'm not in chains as he was but the overwhelming feelings, the self doubt plague me like a tormenting prison.  All my personal issues keep me trapped in my own  head.

But God has called me to righteousness, I don't get to play around.  For he even said to remember that yes they can hate me, but that they hated him first.  This is no small task for an ACON who wants and needs love from everyone around her.  But even then God reminds me that He is my portion.  If I am left with just Him in my life I will have more than enough love.

But someone can condemn me and they always do.  I am a part of this spiritual war.  But somedays it feels like I'm tanking.  Somedays I fail every test.  I know now that I must watch not to fall for the narc's traps.  Not that I need to foil their traps but just not to fall into it. God will help me.

I'm a little weary about even going to church anymore.  There are some nice people there, and they talk about it, but they don't even know what a spiritual war is.  We are worlds apart, and I see all these smiles and they think the best of everyone, and, yes we are worlds apart.  I have to fend off narcs in the mix too, that have such glowing reputations.  I've just about had it.  I feel like I need a secret bunker someplace, the world is caving in on me.  They don't believe that there are pure evil people around, that want to do harm at every turn, try and tell them, no don't.

I had to be careful of what I said to my husband about the trip.  I did't want to talk him into taking me.  But I can't help but be creeped out how he is living in this delusional state.  Of course he thinks the whole thing is not her fault.  Of course he thinks that the email included me.  I just hate for him to think that it is my fault.  It looks like the whole thing is his fault and he is an ass.  I'm tired of being made a fool here, we were just talking about bringing the cat, just earlier on in the summer.  But now it looks like he is off to watch a personal titty show.  Ok, enough of that.  He didn't want me to go, and when I was offered on the last email, he didn't push me into going.  He then said I was invited all along and he never said that I wasn't going.  Who knows, maybe it is another play on words again, but I'm too tired.

I'm getting an idea of what reality is.

Another thing about the blogging.  He thinks I'm talking about him all the time.  I told him, "Wow, you think I would talk about you for the whole world to see?"  lol  He didn't say anything.

This Is A Horror Movie? Really?

Um, I'm not so sure about that.  I wonder if any of you have seen this movie.  This is just two videos, the whole movie is on youtube.  It is only a wee bit overboard, but this happens, y'know.

There was the scene at the party, when she was the very "self-sacrifical" mother.  There is the scene where she controls him with her eyes.  The eyes, the eyes, wow such acting?

No More Douchebags Allowed

Well, who would have thought I would have the soap opera among the ACON blogs?  lol not me. Just kidding.  Its ok, because it simply is amazing to pull apart and write out thoughts, struggles and pain that is hard for me to do on my own.  The acknowledgement of doing it online means so much. So stay tuned for the next episode.

But this is an ACON  blog.  As such, I do want to make sure I bring at least a little value that way. This posting is about the fear we face (for good reason) but we must do something about it or we just keep getting hurt.  Glean what you will.

As I've been writing about my feelings, I noticed how much I have learned about myself, in very important ways.  I always had this pain, struggle which kept trying to keep me safe?  Don't know if that makes sense.  Well, the fear kept me locked down into finding safe ways to live.  And I am realizing now that it is no way to live.

For instance, I went through the panic and just went with it till it was gone on its own.  Next, I got down to the point where I was hurting, but the hurting was not so bad as to overtake me.  Then I got to see things so much more clearly.  I have never done this in the past.

Yes, I know I am hurting now, and nothing has been done about my problem, but I still trust him enough that he will do the right thing by me.  I have placed so much value in this relationship and gave everything, never holding anything back.  Last night he said his arm was sore (from a long ago injury), and said he wanted his ointment. I said, "Yeah?"  And that was it.  Then he got angry, shot out of the room and went to pout.  You see, before he didn't have to say much because I was always ready with the ointment and I would put it on his arm.  He was completely used to this.  And this was never something I did to "make him happy".  This is something I did because "I wanted to make him happy".  Can you see the difference here?  I don't know if he went without his ointment or not, but it is just difficult for me to even go near him now.

For years now, I've been working hard on myself.  Getting myself together, and working on bringing value to his life, with finding out and catering to what his core values, needs are and meeting them.  I never interfere with his needs regarding any of those.  When he is grouchy, or dry or tired, I bring a happy demeanor to him, and I know this has meant a great deal to him.

Now he is willing to sacrifice everything in order to meet up with his SIL.  And you know, I can't do the things that I do for him anymore.  There has to be some kind of desire in me to do that.  I know probably I am doing everything wrong now in the relationship department, and I should be making an effort in trying to understand him, but my flow isn't there, you know?

So yeah, I know all this stuff about myself, and even though I am hurting now, there is no raging fear (there is still fear though), but mostly just the hurt, which is real, it is very authentic.  Its difficult when you trust someone, and that trust gets put on the line.  My mind has been thinking that maybe he and his SIL get together for a booty call every few years and now is about the time.  I've only been with him for 4 years.  And maybe his ex didn't care and allowed it to go on for she felt she couldn't do any better.  I know this crap happens in the real world.  Just the fact that he is willing to leave me alone for a week, is enough to make me cringe.  That's not the man I actually crave, he is not being attentive and loving because I'm terrified of everything and he knows that.  Not far from here, a bear broke into someone's house recently.  He knows that.  So I really don't understand what is going on with him.

So, I am ok with realizing this stuff, for before it had me always me racing to fix everything.  Make it go away, never wanting to face any truth.  And that goes right along with being an ACON.  Make me keep the douchebag for that is all I'll ever deserve.

I know what I want.  I choose to need a good man.  Not just need a man because I'm desperate but choose to need him.  For everything.  Yes, I'm sure I can take care of myself, I can make my own money for pete's sake.  Not if I had to make my own money, but I can make my own money.  But I actually choose to need him for everything.  Maybe some women look down on this.  Then I think they are just angry because they are unwilling to face their own fear and just come out with what they want.

I'm sure my husband's SIL is like that.  She makes her own money.  She is what you might call an independent woman.  And here is the funny thing, a woman on my relationship site said that when she marketed herself on the dating market as an independent woman all she met were douchebags who were so unwilling to even buy dinner.  And they even expected sex after.  Isn't that horrible?  Is that the respect I am looking for?  No.

Or some work really hard on the cooking and cleaning aspect of things and hope that will bring the passion?  Crap like housework only costs a few bucks to pay for and so many women are putting great value in it.  It is not that, I'll say it again, it is not that.  It doesn't matter how clean I keep the house.

Suppose he goes on this camping trip by himself (of course) and comes back and tells me that I need to learn to be independent for he is spouting out smear campaigns left over from his SIL.  Won't that just be hilarious?  I am not scared, for I know what I want and need and I do want and choose to depend on him.  And it is ok for me to choose a good loving man.  Right?  I don't choose to need a narcissistic man, or a man who listens and heeds what every narcissist tells him, I choose to need a good, loving man.  Yes, fear is knocking on my door right now telling me that I gotta get independent now or SIL will smear me.  Gotta do better than her, just gotta.  But......Nah.

As far as my capacity to trust him goes, yes I still have that.  And he is on his holidays after work tonight, I didn't sleep again last night, he was here trying to get my attention.  He likes to discuss things with me regarding work and last night was no exception so I tried really hard to meet this need.  This core value he needs to talk and get things off his chest.  I noticed I couldn't look at him the way I always done.  I always look at him with love and admiration and appreciation that I always feel for him.  But not now.

Every relationship has its trials, and I have got to realize that.  I must be willing to feel pain.  That is the key word here is "willing".  It is part of life.  I know the MN mother made me so unwilling to feel pain before, like it was some horrible dreaded thing, but its ok now.  I'm an adult and the feeling may be terrible, but it won't overtake me and cause me to do something stupid.

I know what I must do.  I have to forget his SIL for now, not block it mind you, but put it in perspective.  Then I have to be willing to be vulnerable.  Not saying I'm going to do it tonight, or tomorrow, just prepare myself for it.  I don't come at him with attacking, which will put him on the defensive.  Attacking won't be authentic anyway.

Fear is telling me right now to block him out.  Don't tell him how I feel about everything, or he will knock you to the ground.  Yes, he could knock me to the ground and take whatever significance I got. He can take my self-esteem and all the good stuff I've been working so hard on.  Yep, he can do that for sure.  I have got to realize that.  And accept it if it happens.

There is a real asshole side to him that I am pretty much had it with by now.  But at the same time I know there is a real loving and good side to him too.  I have to bring that out in him, it does not just easily happen. Now I must choose to get vulnerable.  And I mean really vulnerable.  I tell him I am afraid, I am scared of the bears and boogeyman, and tell myself that it is ok to be afraid of that stuff.

In other words, tell him the truth.  I have to tell him that I need him, and I need to feel safe right now, and that I don't feel safe.  Tell him that I can't even sleep at night anymore for the night brings me all the fears I know I'll have to be facing when he goes away.  Tell him that I keep thinking the darkness looms, even when he is away on nightshift.  But now he'll be gone for 5 whole days, and even tell him that I don't know how I'll go without sleep for 5 days.  And tell him that we have never been apart for so long, and I don't want to be apart.  He might ask me if I want to go on the trip, but you see, I have found a way out of that.  I just tell him that they don't want me to go.  And if he says that it is just a misunderstanding, then I say that the email says it all to me, and I feel horrible about that.  And even say that I don't know how he could let his family treat me that way.  Tell him that I need to know that he wants me on that trip and I can't feel that way, not now it is too late.

Even if he emails his SIL and asks if I can come too, I just tell him the trip is spoiled for me because I know that is not what they want, that I feel that he is forcing them.  Tears, cry, feel this authentic pain shoot right through me and choose to allow him to see me that way.  And I do not cover up anything. I remove all my self-protection, watch what comes out of my mouth, such as, "Its ok....", or "I'm ok..." or "I'll have to manage I guess...." anything that sounds remotely like I can take care of myself. Or anything remotely looking like I will take care of myself will have to be out of my language. Apparently, now, when I do this right, he will have no choice, for in his heart, he will not be able to leave me in such a state.  He can't, he can't, he can't.  I know it will be impossible for him to leave then.  Unless of course he has another need that tops this.  And if that is the case then I will need to know this.  Time for me to grow up.  Time for me to stop attracting the douchebag in him, and attract the loving and caring.  And if the loving and caring doesn't exist then I need to know that, maybe it was in my head all this time, I need to know.  And I must be prepared to feel that pain also.  But that pain I will keep to myself.

But I am willing to have faith that he'll storm right on the computer, and put his SIL on notice, make sure she doesn't pull this crap again.  That is all I am willing to accept.  Absolutely nothing less.  I know I can't accept anything less authentically, anything else I would be lying to myself and to him. And I love him enough to show him the truth about me.

I just go with the fear and panic even, and be really vulnerable.  It might not look very good or "strong" of me, I get that, but its all ok.  It is all ok.  This is authentic, this is how I really feel.  This is the gift, the "high value" that I gift him with.  There is no greater value and I must choose to undertand that this makes me very, very high value.  To bring the good, loving, caring, generous out in a man.  I don't care of the douchebag part anymore.  He can save that side of himself for his job, when he has to be mean there.

His SIL is actually very irrelevant to me right now.  A non matter, a flake.  Boob flopping and all.

When I do all that (I know it'll feel horrible, I know) I'll see the truth.  Am I so needy as to hang onto him even if he is a douchebag?  Or am I caring enough to demand the best of him?  I do have faith in him, and I am willing to have that faith in him, and let the stones fall where they will, and be willing to pick up the pieces for myself, if I have to.  Not all men deserve this high of a value, and I need to see if he does.

Revenge

My Extra Claws Kitty

I woke up this morning, and stared at that email for the longest time again.  I realize I must have posted that about 3 times in my blog.  I got very carried away.  It was suggested to me to just tell him that I would be uncomfortable with him going on that trip.  That he would be in for a hornet's nest when he gets back home.  Or go on my own trip with friends.

Mostly, what I want to do (and I know this is horrible of me) is to just let him go.  He has a very close knit family and this will expose the narc.  Now, ok, I'm just talking about my feelings here, but the fact of the matter is that MN SIL thinks she knows me.  She thinks I'll just throw fits, causing problems in my relationship and go anyway.  She thinks I'll look like the bad guy and she is off scot-free.

Disgusting little toads aren't they?  What is the purpose of that?  None.  Hear that all of you who don't believe people do shit to others without a good reason?  I dare someone tell me there is a good reason for this.

Now, I'm rather angry.  I want this demon exposed even at the expense of my marriage, or whatever. I have no heart to be practicing my good relationship knowledge and skills.  I want the result to be that this MN SIL gets what is coming to her.  And I don't have to do anything for that to happen.  I just say that, "No one wanted me to go."  I am in that position.  I just don't cover it up with my panic. I am savouring even the thought of it.

I know though that I must save him.  Even that email is a smear campaign against both of us in itself. Makes me invisible and makes him look like a single man who goes on vacations by himself, to what?  To go look at her boobs again?  I mean seriously, are they that great?  The fact that she is sending him personal emails and showing her boobs is enough in itself.  (ok, not showing her boobs in the emails, but you get my point).

"Hey, look at my boobs, aren't they great?"  First off she is not 25, second off she is with his brother.

Therefore, she has basically attacked him twice that I know of.  I get the feeling he felt weird seeing her boobs, as this was his brother's MN wife.  And now with the email, making him look like a fool in my eyes.  And it looked like he felt like a fool in the email.  That email signifies that she runs the show, and he is just her little follower.  And I hate that.  I don't need some wuss in my life.

My relationship advice is saying that men can't always be that alpha male.  Over the course of long term relationships it is impossible for him to maintain the dominant status constantly that we see in the beginning.  The key term here is constantly.

Well, he is willing to leave me alone in the bush for all those days he is gone, to appease a narc.  I know I don't have to stay here, I can take my own trip but that won't change anything.  I'm so mad I was seriously considering posting that email on facebook.  I have to watch how my temper gets the best of me.

So where does this come from?  This need to fight back?  Are we not ACONs that have no claws to fight back?  Where does this urge come from?  Is it that abused dogs are dangerous?  I can't figure out this feeling of wanting to hurt someone when all I was trained to do as a child is be a lapdog.  Maybe mother trained me to fight back only to get shot down again.  For more supply.  And that might very well happen if I don't watch and stay vigilant over my emotions.

Maybe he thinks I've done something to his SIL.  In my last posting I talked about how I was.  But that don't fly, because she is doing something so horribly wretched that is even beyond anything I could have done.  And I don't think I was that horrible to actually would have done something, to them, that they would do this.  But who knows.  Even if he does think I wronged her, he still needs to put me first.  So I don't care about that.

There is this wonderful real advice that goes, "The more you try to deny parts of yourself that you know are real, the less whole you really are."  That't it then.  Find those parts of myself that is real and don't deny them.  Hey, I didn't deny to him how I felt about this.  And he didn't limit me.  He only said he was going, tough cookies.  (ok, he didn't say tough cookies) but I felt all my attraction I ever felt for him just leave my body.  And that had nothing to do with physical attraction for attraction to be real is deep and very intrinsic.

So revenge on a narc is not a good idea, I should be working on my relationship here, and cut out the need for revenge.  And getting revenge would take no effort on my part at all.  (I'm awake and aware and she doesn't know it).

I still got lots of time before the trip to get ahold of my emotions and do the right thing.  This is just me spouting off here.  I hope to send a much more productive post than this in my next entry.

I Sorted Out The Mess, I Think

Here is how the whole thing played out.  It happened so crazy like and I was dealing with my emotions, so in order:

1. We were getting along fabulously.  He had been getting emails from his SIL and it looked like they were trying to synchronize everyone's holidays.
2. I'm not sure why he was not talking to me about it, but it didn't seem to bother me at this point, as I was sure he was just trying to see if they can book their holidays together first, in case it couldn't happen.  
3. A few days later he opened it again and said to me, "I'm going to ####, you can come if you want."
4. I said, "Um, you mean you planned a holiday without consulting with me first?
5. He said, "Yeah, I want to go there."
6. I said, "I would prefer if we could have spoken together about this first."
7. He turned around directly in his chair and said he was going, and I could come if I want.
8. I didn't know what bee was in his bonnet but I was determined to find out.  So I said to him, "Yeah, I'll go."
9. He gave me the dates and I just said, ok.
10. I proceeded to talk of the little holiday we were having together, here and there, whatever I was doing, I would bring it up.  But he always seem to say that he was going.  He didn't deny me directly at this point, he only said that he was going.
11. One day I said to him, "Why I can't go?".
12. He said he didn't say that.
13. I asked him what was going on.  And no response.
14. Around this time, I saw the email and my heart nearly left my chest.  THEY ALL WERE LEAVING ME OUT.
15. He told me of an event that happened years ago (I'll explain that in a minute)
16. The war started that I talked about in my post "I'm Still Learning."

This is all the best I can remember.  I didn't like when he said, "I didn't say that."  That was horrible of him.

In number 15 of my list I said an event that happened years ago.  He brought it up.  He was very angry, which was confusing to me as we were getting along so well.  We actually did go to that camp years ago, and I told him I wasn't going ever again, seeing as he had totally ignored me while I was there. Now this was before I was awakened.  This was before I got any education on narcissists or relationships.  This was before any change in me had come, I lived totally and was ruled totally by my fears.  Also, we had only known eachother for about 6 months.

Mostly, I got angry with him on that trip alot.  I felt as though he ignored me.  Now, it stands to reason that someone like me, with my issues, would feel ignored no matter what.  And it was hard for people to understand.  Truth was, I was hard, cold, and very cerebral (in reality, just completely terrified of rejection).  I know this feeling very well because it makes me feel dead and dull.  Focused only on myself.  I always felt like there was something wrong with me.  I used to be deadly serious and when I first attempted to be playful, I was worried that it would come off as awkward, so it did.

Bad nerves, I couldn't function normally, I remember what I was like.  I could stand in a corner and not say anything for the longest time, and he wanted to be social.  I can't do that, so I would blame him for making me feel bad.  Afterall, what the heck was he doing?  Leave me alone.  But he never left me and became my husband which is something that I'll never understand.

Its ok.  I don't blame myself for any of that.  But if you think a woman like that is no problem, then perhaps I didn't explain it well enough.  I know this doesn't sound too bad, but I assure you the most loving man would have ran from me.  But my husband stayed around.  He wasn't milking supply, I'm not sure what he was doing, but he seemed to know a lot of what was going on with me and saw through some of my bullshit.

The long term effects of my emotional molestation was soul death, and that is what was happening to me.  But I don't blame myself for it, you see, as I see myself who came out of a horrible war, and I haven't lost my voice and I am able to communicate.  That is the victory.  It didn't kill me.  I'm typing this right?  All that stuff about my behaviour is ok then.

Nothing I did on that trip gives anyone excuse for treating me this way now.

To get out of that I had to practice being kind to myself and just shut off my brain.  I needed to stop trying and just embrace life and myself.  Thoughts were a killer for me.  My mind was always racing. It still does.  Even through this stuff I'm going through right now.  I have to somehow "mechanically" keep the skills I've learned going.  This isn't easy.  I wake up each and every day going through this hell, with a spouse who thinks I'm just like everyone else.  But for me, it may always have to search through a huge heap to find my emotions and feel which ones are actually mine, and not dictated to me by programming.

All my friends online in the ACON community has shown so much patience for me.  I look through my old postings, some of them look like they are written by an adult woman with a good education, some look like they are written by a 10 year old.  I guess it depends on how well I am on that particular day.  But it is all authentic and that is all that counts.

So, why is he using this on me?  I actually do have some insight into that.  I think he has always been his SIL's flying monkey.  And now it is time for me to be the target.  I don't like to be targeted.  I went back to my emotions again.  I look at the email again.

So ### and I will be off Friday Aug 21 till we'd Sept 2...you coming to camp??

planning on going ,will be leaving on the 27th , leave me a list of what you want me to bring , have to work on sept 2

I'm not sure I got most of it covered...maybe stuff for sandwiches if you want to eat some fishing any snacks you want..we always bring to much anyway...see ya soon

Doesn't he sound pathetic to you?  He put his arms around me in bed last night and I had to push him away.  He asked me, "What's wrong."  I"m thinking, "Who the hell is he kidding.  I was grossed out, I was disgusted with him, I am disgusted with him.  This big tough bushman, a friggin flying monkey. This woman has him by the balls.  I can't tell you what this is doing inside my body.  And he couldn't even say that, "I'm planning on going, I will be leaving......."  Such a chicken shit.  He can't even be a man and leave me out.  He had to hide it.  Do flying monkeys not exhibit narc behaviour when they are around a narc?

I haven't been able to find their old emails, just those three, but I wonder now what they were discussing before this.  I thought they were talking about synchronizing their holidays.  I know he was talking to his SIL and I hate this, I have very old fashioned values, but I let it go because we were getting along so well.  I guess that was my first mistake.  They won't be doing this again.  I know how to stop that one, MN and flying monkey or not.  I might write about that.

I would like to talk about the time we went to that camp years ago.  Besides my behaviour, I have clarity now, maybe it had something to do with the way I was acting on that trip.  Something didn't seem good about this woman.

Along with the other things I have mentioned previously in last post, one day, her husband had a hard time adjusting the tv.  She was very testy, nasty, impatient with him.  In my world, I don't do that. Maybe women that are butches do that sort of thing, I don't know.

Also, too, the day we were leaving, and they were leaving too, she seemed to have this need to clean up the whole place.  Wash the floor and everything.  She seemed to enjoy sashaying everyone outside early, and was rather bossy about it.  I don't know why I felt so bad about that but I felt the eggshells under my feet.  Just hard to explain.

On the way back home, with my soon to be husband.  I started talking about my own SIL.  Omg, they are like the same.  They are both malignant narcissists.  Now, I wasn't awake at the time this was happening, but MN's always make me feel the same.  Its eggshell walking time.

Of course I hadn't mentioned that to him, but I remembered thinking how I had lost attraction to him during this "vacation".  All this tough guy and this trip seemed to make him into a wimp.  lol I'm living in a time now where women call eachother wimps, but I don't live like that.  I'm having great pain for thinking my husband is being a wimp.

I don't like to think like that of any man.  Even now, its like, "ick, gross."  And when he gets home tonight he'll talk about his job and its a tough man job, but I can't help but feel less attracted to him anyway. Why did I marry him after this trip?  I don't know, I guess it was a whole lot of other things were happening at the same time, a lot to do with mother.

Authentically, I want him to lay down the law to his SIL for not inviting me.  Then tell her we are not going, and we make plans for his holidays together.  But to tell the truth, for me to tell him to do that, will not be the point.  I need him to just be like that.  If he did that my blood won't be running cold anymore when he comes near me.

So now I have to deal with this flying monkey that I'm committed to.  I know I'll have to talk to him about it.  Something terrifies me about that.  Oh yeah, it was because of my ex husband.  After a conversation with him, he always looked at me and said he didn't listen and he didn't care.That is the last thing I want to hear now.

Reminding my husband that he is committed to me and needs to be working on it, is something I don't want to do.  So he stays committed to me because now he has to?  I now have to force him?  If I did that then I might as well just get the snippers to cut off his "you know what".  Ick, ew, again.  I want him to be strong enough to tell ME what to do about this, and as long as he has all the right and good intentions, I will do it.  I don't want this crap I'm facing now.

But he is a flying monkey.  I can't get past that.  Of course, none of that is logical.  Does someone become a willing flying monkey?  Or is it something deep seated in his emotions.  Something he can't pull away from?

One big item I cannot leave out.  Something his SIL doesn't know.  I am awake and aware.  And it is this one thing that might trip her up.  Now it stand to reason that she may have sent him that email to cause some horrible grief with us. I don't know exactly what she was trying to do, she is one of the masters of the narc realm.  Me seeing or not seeing the email, doesn't matter, somehow she had managed to "dirty me up" to him.  And he bought it, hook, line and sinker.

But how would the "old me" would have reacted?  Of course, I would have had the same feelings I do right now, but with no tools to handle it.  He would have somehow felt he needed to take me.  But I would have went.  Either that or forced him to stay at home and he would have been angry.

The new me?  I cannot go on this trip.  She doesn't know I'm awake and aware.  She is somewhere right now feeding on this narcissistic supply even though it is in her own head.  She doesn't know I'm writing, getting things off my chest, getting better.  She doesn't know that!  But I cannot go on this trip.

If it comes down to it, he will go on this trip alone then she will not be able to hide her shit.  Usually my hurt would cover a narc pretty well making me the bad guy (advice from q1605).  Now she will be left exposed.  I'm not going to cover it up.

Bottom line, I do not go on that trip!  No matter what it takes, ot matter what I do, I do not go.  And its not because they left me out and I'm hurt over that.  It's because this is a MN, probably one of the masters.  In other words, YOUR FRIENDLY NEIGHBOURHOOD MALIGNANT NARCISSIST. The most cunning and most evil, one where the mask hardly ever slips if it ever does, the one that gets the most praise and is the most dearly loved by the masses.

Perhaps other in-laws will find out about this.  Of course, the narc won't be questioned about it (they can never do anything wrong, puke).  I will most certainly be asked why I didn't go.  You know what I'll say?  It's ok for me to say that I wasn't invited but my husband was.  It ain't a friggin lie.  It's the truth, people need to learn to start handling the truth.  I'm tired of the bullshit, I can't take it anymore. If someone doesn't treat me decently, then it is my decision to either feed that or move on, hey, and listen, I ain't the jackass whisperer.

And I won't add to that.  Any more question will be met with a "uh-huh".  If they say it was a misunderstanding, if they say she is a good person, I'll try not to puke and just say "uh-huh".

That's it!  It isn't revenge.  I don't even care about how my husband feels about this.  I don't care if he thinks I'm trying to sew discord into his family, like mine, I don't care what anyone says.  Tired of the bullshit, is tired of the bullshit.

Yes, I'm feeling very helpless, out of my element.  This is the time of the feminized man.  He needs me to prop him up and help him out.  ew yuck.  Ok, I might have to do that.  It isn't going to be easy giving the way I feel about him.  I go to bed very late now, after he is asleep.  That is how grossed out I feel.

I understand that maybe he felt rather rejected over me saying I never wanted to go on that trip again. That might have been what started this.  This was the leverage.  It also might be the leverage I need to fix this.  So now I have to help him feel accepted.  Yes, this will be hard.  I am angry over the whole thing.  Maybe a part was my fault, we have never dealt with our past mistakes.  We just moved on from then.  Well, he tried, then he felt bad anyway.

I don't have to know what his SIL did, or what happened.  I can start where he feels rejected and now I have to help him feel accepted.  This is hard stuff.  This is what I'm committed to do anyway.  HE WILL PROBABLY BE GOING ON THIS TRIP WITHOUT ME.  And this I have to accept. He is in asshole mode and the only way to get him out of that is to help him feel accepted?  It will take all my strength.

But I have my feelings.  I've been in a horrible state for days.  Even my very coveted self care is in a don't care mood.  Everything came apart while I was trying to sort through this.  But I'm glad I did.

Btw, the video I posted is amazing.  I watched it about 20 times.  Yep, seriously.

Judgement!!!!

This is going back two posts ago about my hurt feelings.  We were sitting at home and my husband received this email from his SIL (highlighted in blue).  The second one was from him.  

I have given her days to retract that email.  And she hasn't yet, so you know what?  I call judgement over the SIL.  I call her a malignant narcissist.  Not one of us, meaning not part of humanity, she will be exiled totally from my life.  I still hate to judge people, but you know what?  I have to.  Too many red flags here (I'll talk about in a minute).  Here is the email again:

So ### and I will be off Friday Aug 21 till we'd Sept 2...you coming to camp??

planning on going ,will be leaving on the 27th , leave me a list of what you want me to bring , have to work on sept 2

I'm not sure I got most of it covered...maybe stuff for sandwiches if you want to eat some fishing any snacks you want..we always bring to much anyway...see ya soon

Obviously, the tendency to leave me out, while mentioning her own husband, would have made a decent person go back and apologize.  That hasn't happened yet.  Nor has my husband done anything about it.  But now I'm trying to put the whole thing together, and I have a few more pieces.

I don't need to think of this one too much.  Just that I can't seem to trust my good judgement.  I try to tell myself over and over that that email is just a misunderstanding on her part.  But it doesn't matter, see I have direct exposure and experience with narcs, just I wasn't ready to believe that.

That email was bullying.  Bullying me.  When I think back over my last meeting with her, it dawns on me that I knew it all back then.

She said, "Someday we'll make a real bushwoman out of you."

It's ok to kid and tease right?  No?  Of course not.  This statement was followed with a distinctive bounce to her step as she walked away.  I didn't know it then, of course.  I saw it, but I wasn't awake and aware as I am now.  And more and more I am getting wide awake.

Getting back to the part where my husband told me he saw her boobs.  Just a simple statement he made to me.  I asked my husband how and why he saw her boobs.  He wouldn't tell me.  It seems to me plausible that if he saw them by accident he would have told me something innocent like that. Why did I analyse it that way?  Did I have to know it was innocent?  Why did that matter?   By accident?  Is that possible?  Well, for my MN mother it certainly was.  There were several times she would hide behind a doorway starknaked while my brother had friends over.  She must not have been able to hide very well because if someone would have looked over they would have seen her in all that nakedness.  Or a towel thing that slips off?  Ew, ok getting kind of scary here, but I'm trying to explain these "accidents".  I wanted to believe they were accidents but I really knew they weren't.

So was this all in my mind?  My memory was telling me that mother was bugeyed at the same time too.  She would only be in her room getting changed but somehow she couldn't seem to stop peering through doorways naked and didn't hide herself very well.  I just thought this was an accident.  I mean, with my knowledge of narcs I know accident or no accident, it doesn't matter.  This is narc behaviour pure and simple.

No decent woman would ever let that happen.  Even by accident.  She covers herself decently unless she needs attention.  And certainly we know a narc needs attention.  But the decent woman, no towel ever slips.  I've never seen such behaviour, as a matter of fact I spend time with ladies some times and nothing ever slips, no oops, no nothing.  I'm not saying it can't happen, but a BIL to see his SIL naked could have been prevented.

Getting back to his SIL if my husband saw her naked, how?  And why wouldn't he tell me?  That is the question.  He seems to want to avoid this conversation with me.  And why does this woman get such rave reviews like this?  He never talks that highly of anyone.  I've never heard him talk that swell of anyone.

I just mentioned two big red flags of narcissism in her and still it is hard for me to see that email as another stark red flag.  Keep in mind I've only met this woman 4 times and they live 4 hours away.

I'm going to read the email again. How does it make me feel?  Despite thinking that the email is innocent it hits me hard in my emotions.  I don't even rate with any of them.  The pain I feel over what they did to me, trying to make me invisible.  Lately, I've been feeling like I'm losing myself again.  Is this what soul murder is?  Every single nail in my coffin is being plunged in by someone. Another long night of prayer and I was sinking in the quicksand and God was there.  Husband was on nightshift.

God never left me alone.  I get so scared and the emotions were flying right through me.  I have trained myself not to block any emotions, but what do I do about the seething pain?  I just make it ok. Over and over I had to tell myself that it was ligit for me to feel this way.  To give myself permission to feel like this.  To understand the fact that some people are just plain rotten.

I still feel very scared of actually disappearing, and I'm wondering where these thoughts of disappearing are coming from  Those red flags waving in my face I was trained to ignore, but I can't ignore them any longer.

Things are going to change with me now, I can feel it.  No longer will I be so innocent anymore.

Oh yeah, I'll be dealing with my husband in the next post.

Does anyone have any "accidental nakedness" stories to share?  I would love to discuss examples of the red flags.

The Engulfed Child Completed

Do you ever press the publish key by mistake while your editing?  Yep, happened to me, sorry.

The problem of my last post is still going on, and I am doing what I have to do, and there is some progress.  I can talk about that in another post.  Meanwhile, I wanted to talk about something else.

The issue with the engulfed child.  Adult child of an engulfing narcissist.  I am hoping to help bring some value here.

Some engulfed children, now adults, have secret blogs.  They are still in contact with their abusers. And yet they are awake and aware.  How can this be?  Well, I actually made some posts about the importance of no contact, even more especially for the engulfed child, who I think needs it so much, but they can't have it.  So I went on and on about it. It is important, but very scary.  But it is hard to even contemplate no contact for anyone with an engulfing mother.

I hope I don't cause grief here, I may overlap at times, it might sound contradictory, I might say something wrong, but my only intention here is to shed light on the child of the engulfer.  From my own experience.

It was a painful time.  I can now emphasize with these ACONS.  Why they don't even want to try no contact.  An engulfer is tremendously scary.  Scary even to stand up to.  We are all in such tremendous fear, that it even stops us from no contact.  Actually, it was my husband that initiated no contact from my mother for me.  She hates him, so she went no contact from me.  If it weren't for him, I am sure I would never have been able to cut the ties on my own.

An engulfer owns you.  You are property.  Call it what you will, a dollchild, a trophy doll, all those seem so wonderful.  But dolls get there eyeballs pulled out, they are hurt bad by bad children.  And they have no say. There is pain to live with, pain you have to actually show your appreciation for. You exist because of them, you have no existence otherwise.  

All these things are underlying the wonderful treatment the MN gives you.  You'll never guess.  I got drunk the day I found out.  I didn't know.  I thought my mother was wonderful, and her horrible treatment of me was my fault and I had to smarten up somehow.  

Imagine, you are spoiled, you are bad, you are told that you get away with everything.  I never got away with anything.  It is very confusing.  But I thought this person was wonderful, afterall she shared her entire existence with me.  She sacrificed.  And all I could do was do wrong.  

I did everything wrong.  Even though mother took care of me, I remember a whole summer that my hair was neither washed or brushed.  This was my fault.  But I wasn't given this life skill.  I wasn't even allowed to dress myself until I was almost a teen.  While I was in school.  During the summer holidays, all my clothes can turn into rags and I was basically unwashed and unkempt.  How come I couldn't figure this out on my own?  Others have I'm sure.  Lots of children learned on their own.

Maybe I could have, but get this, I WAS TRAINED TO LOOK SLOPPY, BECAUSE IT SHOWED HOW MUCH I NEEDED MOTHER.  Otherwise, I don't think she could have gotten away with her engulfing.  I don't even know how she trained me to look stupid.  Lots of info here in my blog about the brainwashing.  It was something like that.  Yeah, I even convinced myself I needed mother.  And any attempts at trying on my own would have been met with insults and humiliation.

I never brushed my teeth, because mother never brushed her teeth.  I was only a mirror.  Anything I did to improve myself, brought on a horrible rage and I would always relent.  I had to, otherwise I could not have survived.  And it wasn't my fault.  I was born into this. 

After awhile, I didn't know the difference anymore.  It was caused by me, I was stupid, that is all. And it wasn't like anything was out in the open either.  No one could see this.  My other siblings had more freedom than me, and it was strange how my sister had nice hair and clothes.  I never resented her for it, till mother caused me to feel like I needed to be like my sister.  Because my sister was more acceptable than I was.  She told me that.  Then I often fought with my sister.  She was much older, so I usually lost. One time mother bought my sister and I a lovely dresser.  I was allowed to use half the drawers and my sister would get the rest of the drawers and the whole top of the dresser for her things like jewellery, makeup etc.  I had some jewellery, makeup too, but not much.  I was only 10, my sister was 17.  Its no job for the engulfed child to have these things. She never wanted me to have them, but I did have some somehow.

Mother told me that I would have to fight with my sister for the top of the dresser.  We did fight while mother sat down with her cigarette and coffee.  She had to prepare her coffee and cigarette before we were allowed to fight.  She prepared them, and then sat in the chair and motioned for the fight to begin.  Shortly after that I never had much in the way of jewellery and makeup.  I was only in grade school, but I acquired some, I never used much.  But, somehow, shortly after that I don't remember having any at all.

I couldn't have anything mother didn't like me to have.  Even a relative gave me a beautiful mushroom lamp one time, and it got destroyed.  I was to live simply, just like mother did.  Except for the clothes on my back, and I tried to remember why I even had those.  My memory is not cluing in to why I had these nice expensive clothes (which made mother look very self sacrificing) but at times I was a rag doll.  My memory is very fleeting on this.

Announcing a marriage or pregancy was an insult to her.  She told me that she should have had me sterilized as a kid.  She said that I was pushing her away.  She went 20 years no contact with me because she was pissed off.  Those brats I had she saw only a couple of times over that long stretch of time.  She would look at them like they were dirt.  There was no baby cooing, or takeover of my children, she walked away from us, she didn't want them.  She didn't know what to do, she even told me that she felt as though I was pushing her away.  She said that she should come first for all she sacrificed.  But, lol, there were no laws in place for her to use to get me back and away from everone else.   She just ignored me then.  One time I called her up for a recipe for chile.  She told me that I would have to get a turtle and a duck to make chile.  

Self-Esteem?  No.  I had to build mother's up.  But I had to watch what I said.  It was hard.  I had to build her up in the way she liked, and it was hard.  One time when I was very little, a relative came over and I told her that she was fat.  I got in huge trouble.  I was repeating what my mother had said before about this relative, and I was told to repeat what mother says, so what gives?  Confusion again. Better grow up fast and figure that one out.  Otherwise, stay young and my baby.

My other siblings would insult me.  Ah, who cares?  Except they had ways of hurting me that attacked any self-esteem I might have been able to get from them.  They were on a different level with me, and if I had a chance to have a perpendicular chance for self-esteem, that blew that away too.  I wish now, that we were the siblings that built eachother up, how much better we would be? But it never happened.

Getting out of that was very hard.  I was raised in it.  I knew nothing else.  But I did have a powerful force in my life, that helped me out tremendously.  This is the part where I can't leave God out.  Even before I knew who he was, he was helping me.  I remember feeling very loved.  I mean real love, where the presence was acknowledging me as a person.  As myself and not a mirror.  From an early age!  That acknowledgment that God gave me is the person that I am today.  

We were Catholics so I got some idea of who God was.  His presence was in my life.  During the times I was crying, or mad, he was there.  I felt it.  

There was drinking, parties, drugs.  All my siblings fell into it, but I didn't.  I somehow felt that I would lose this loving presence in my life.  It was so huge and real and I was scared to lose it.  It wasn't physical, but I knew it was there.  I remember God raising me through this mess. Pouring out just pure love.  Even though I was gaslighted and confused, I did have this solidarity.

I didn't have any salvation moment, when I suddenly got saved.  I just was always like this.  God had been with me, for as long as I existed.

I always wonder how God could let this thing happen to me.  Why didn't he stop it?  Why did he guide me through it instead?  I don't know.  I can't know everything.  There is a whole universe of stuff we don't know.  I still don't know if He had a reason to leave me like that.  I just don't know.

Even my faith, during the early months of my awakening, started to dwindle.  I started to hate this faith thing, like it was a form of gaslighting again, and I wanted no part of it.  "The just shall live by faith".  Is sort of a like it or leave it statement.

But God didn't even leave me alone even while I was losing my trust in him.  Oh no, not even abandoning me when I was abandoning Him.  It was a remarkable experience.  He wouldn't go away.

I started to want proof, and it was very unusual how this came about.  I went for a walk in the yard and I was praying to God (I was always praying even though I was mad at him).  All of a sudden I started to look at the sky and the sun and look at the marvel of the grass and flowers (ok, we have weeds) but I started to marvel at just a single blade of grass and I noticed right away how complicated even a blade of grass is.  Then I started to see that this was the proof that I needed.  If a blade of grass can be so complicated and God made it, who am I to judge Him?  On anything?  Can I make this blade of grass?

So, yeah, I still don't get anything what happened but God told me that day in my heart that he is not shocked or taken aback by any of this.  He is not surprised.  And that I am to remain focused on him. One of this has screwed him over, like it has screwed me over.  He did not approve of it either.

I was telling God to prove himself and was giving me the proof plus comfort.  I can't explain it sorry. 

Initiating no contact with an engulfer is hard.  There just is no you.  When you are around them its like you don't exist anyway, so how could we have any say?  Who told you you had any say?

At this point I would like to talk a little about Stockholm's Syndrome.  This dynamic goes on, and it is when your mind is completely taken over and you can't see your abuse as abuse anymore.  It becomes normal.  

We think the abuser cares about us.  The abuser knows whats best for us.  While we are being abused we believe it is for the best.  That we are being taught a lesson we really need to learn.  For me, there was a spark of truth that remained throughout my life, and I think it was that, that helped me through to where I am now in my sanity.  I might look and seem very messed up, but I always had a good handle on things.  Maybe it was because mother always saying I was so smart.  But this was not for my benefit it was for hers.  As she bore this smart child, she takes all the credit.  I owed my life to her.

When I think of mother I always thought she was so obsessed about food.  Basic food, like meat and potatoes, to the point of her saying that it was good not to starve to death.  She always talked about starving to death, and this is interesting, because if she was in a "less civilized" society they would have left her to die and starve to death.  For not being a valued member of the tribe.  She wouldn't be a valued member of a tribe, no way.

I always wondered what happened to the soul of the engulfed child.  That is a horrible thing to think about even for me.  I always felt that God took care of me during the abuse.  He would hold onto my soul and made me feel safe.  Most people I think might lose themselves.  The soul might die and leave only the body.  A lot of these people are in institutions.  This is soul murder.

This is worse than taking a knife and killing someone.  It is slow torture.  The evil person doesn't care.  They'll take whatever they want.  But for us engulfed children, as we look at our engulfer we feel a measure of pity for them.  They gave us everything so why should we deny them the right to take over our soul?  And bury it?  They earned this right.

While that is going on we feel like they really care about us.  That underneath it all they really do care.  Afterall, we watched Little House on the Prairie when we were growing up.  I used to think that this was a great family to be.  Mary could be my sister, and I was Laura, and I actually pretended that my parents were the Ingalls, with Pa Ingalls knowing how to solve problems and guide us through childhood.  There was not much the children were going through that Ma and Pa wouldn't find out and fix.  Yes, my family is just like that.  Lets just pretend.  Years go by and I have convinced myself that we were.  Blocking out any bad stuff.  I believed we were just like the Ingalls family.  That's why my awakening came with such a blow.  I was living in dreamland.  "You mean we weren't just like the Ingalls?"

I think that it is a survival mechanism.  It actually felt good to be like the Ingalls.  And for years, it served its purpose.

The difficulty with going no contact remains for the engulfed child.  There will be no letters telling them we are done talking to them.  We won't call them out of the blue and tell them that either. In fact, if I ever met my mother on the street, I would have to hope she doesn't see me as I can't cope with the repercussions.  It is very scary.  I have even heard mother growl like a demon monster, and I think that it is the devil I am actually dealing with.  If you saw the devil on the street you wouldn't want to confront him either, you would run away.

Even other narcs that have come and gone from my life, if I see them again, I am afraid.  They seem to have the same hold on me.  I can't say, "get lost freak".  No way.  I don't know what I would do. New narcs?  I am still a little afraid, but not as much of them.  I can cope with them a little better. But I still feel that narcs are superior to me.  I am working on that.

No contact might be impossible.  It might only be a dream for the engulfed child.  While they are awake and aware and reading blogs in secret and writing blogs in secret, the shame they feel for remaining in contact with the narcissist, is huge.  The fear of getting found out is hard to cope with. When I was in contact with mother, I remember the seething pain.  She was trying to convince me I was dying, and told others that I had all these symptoms.  Others believed her of course, so I had a whole gamut of people cursing me to die.  Those were horrible times.

How does one heal while they are still in the vortex of their engulfer?  How do they get the strength and skills to even live?  I think that sometimes it might be better to hope that the MN mother will change.  Even though these ACONS do know better.  But it is a survival mechanism.  To stay alive. "Someday MN will change and I will have a happy life."  Don't get me wrong, this is not what these ACONs want or really believe, they still prefer to go no contact, but thinking that mother will change is an easier concept than no contact at this point

.  I hope I'm making sense.

And these are remarkable ACONS with just as much wisdom as any of the others.  I remember someone telling me that Sam Vaknin was an ACON.  But he is a narcissist?  How can this be?  I don't believe that a narcissist can ever be an ACON.  In my mind, an ACON is a survivor, that they came out of all that and still have their humanity.  I hold an ACON at a very high standard.  I don't even think I can call my siblings ACONs because if they were then they would be the people I can turn to, and I cannot.  Even though I don't think they are narcs, no, to me an ACON is way more than just simply what the acronym implies.

I wish there was a program in place where children of engulfing parents can access and escape. There is none, and any in the future is way, way into the future.  For now these "parents" own you with a callous thrust to the noggin.  Smakintosh said this is spiritual abuse, and I believe that with my whole heart.