tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14864251897771418002024-02-06T19:45:09.871-08:00Afraid of My ShadowFor those who have been scared all their life, maybe there is a reason why.......Joan Shttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07775873193806083833noreply@blogger.comBlogger134125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1486425189777141800.post-51743462256004756522017-01-14T05:55:00.001-08:002017-01-14T05:55:32.457-08:00Revenge of the Nerd<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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So the job finished yesterday, and it went out with a bang. I just wanted to let you know that I got ravings from my employers, even my voc rehab worker is impressed, they told her I was an excellent worker. Isn't that amazing? You know I never questioned it. I think I oughta tell her that I'm not surprised that a person with anxiety would get told that about them. When I think about it, it is the caring, its the drive, and its the purpose, that causes anxiety afterall. I once told her that I would love to meet the rest of her clients with anxiety, but she told me that I can't, its confidential, but it would be great to meet "my people."<br />
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We love, we care, and when we don't, its only because extreme anxiety trips us up. I get stuck up against a wall sometimes, barely able to breathe, and its funny, that it's only because I care that I can't even look like I care, if that makes any sense. Anxiety is deceitful, it changes the way people look at us, we look stupid, but all it is, is that we care so much that our abilities to be caring is beyond us.<br />
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So I would like to tell you what happened yesterday. I was not looking for revenge on the particular people that I worked with. This sort of fell into my hands, and in a way, justice was done. But I payed the price, my gosh am I sore today. Even my fingers are aching, but I have to type this out, while its still fresh in my brain. Sort of exciting, funny, well you'll get it.<br />
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So hubby and I are both home today. He has relinquished the woodstove to my keeping, and I'm so sore, its funny. He took care of it for me last night, letting me go to bed early, but he wanted to sleep in, to get over his nightshift. Plus its been so cold, and the fire is hard to keep going. I'm taking my time, but as always the woodstove is mine to keep. I keep the homefires burning and we like it that way. I'll still be able to have a nap later in the afternoon. I'm so excited, for when Monday morning comes, I won't be able to see the results of the "plan of attack" I did on Friday, it will no doubt go down as the revenge of the nerd.<br />
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So here is what happened yesterday. I worked very hard. Harder than I ever worked there to roll out the racks. I was keeping in time, I was doing it well. <br />
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First of all, I have to introduce one character into the story. Her name is Iris. Not her real name, I wish I could use real names, I risk losing the point of the story, when I have to change the names, for my brain loses track, but oh well, its close to her real name, and I don't like Iris' I think its a weird looking flower. So its perfect for this story, let's call her Iris.<br />
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Well, Iris has never been a person I could talk to, although we worked closely together. I noticed right off how she liked to boss me around, tell me what to do. In the beginning I thought this was only because they don't train us well on this job and she was only helping, but I soon came to the conclusion that she had more of a predatory nature. She would giggle at me, when it looked like I was nervous, she would go and tell the boss that I was not following protocol or when I placed the racks in the way of customers. I was only trying to find a more efficient way to do the job, and like I said they never trained us, so I was trying to come up with ideas on my own. Sometimes it failed badly, but, oh well, I was trying.<br />
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But Iris would always report me. Now its funny, because well, this might look helpful, and good intentioned, and I thought so too, way back in the beginning, but other events proved that she had no good intentions towards me. She didn't. In fact, she was only a misfit too, rolling out the racks, but only working part time. So the job was not that terrible for her, she only worked for a couple of hours a day. Rolling out the racks that is.<br />
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But she was a misfit, and I couldn't tell how long she had been there, but she told me it was for a long time, on a part time basis. And lots of workers got to do several different tasks, even the newbies. They just started a new employee this week, and she is doing several tasks. In our line up of clothes, it looks like a World War II factory, there are some people pricing, some are doing the tagging, some are making the racks, some of us are rolling the racks onto the floor. <br />
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So several of the people bounce around doing all these tasks. Some of us are only doing the racks, the most hated thing there. And Iris is a roller, just like I am. So several newbies got to do the different tasks, and we who only did the rolling hated this. Not that we said anything about it, but I'm sure this hurts the others as it does me. I mean, how could it not?<br />
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And shortages of workers don't matter either. We had three people doing the flipping between tasks, now we only have two, but it didn't matter. It doesn't matter, if you roll a rack, you roll a rack "get over it". <br />
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So one day I was asked to bounce between tasks. It was quite a few weeks ago, and I didn't think much of it. The supervisor ordered it. So the people in the line had to put up with me. They did, and it was funny, and for what I had learned from reading the blogs, I just continued without feeling horrible about it. So I just continued.<br />
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But when Iris showed up at work later that afternoon, she would have none of it. She started bouncing between tasks, not ordered by the supervisor, but on her own accord. And no one was rolling the racks, she noticed, so she ordered me to roll the racks. At the time, I didn't know what to do. I was doing what my supervisor told me, and there was no other direction given. I guess it was assumed she would be rolling the racks, and this scene was not to occur. <br />
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I didn't want to deal with it. I could hear "old smirky" say something, then I just went out of line, and rolled the racks. Old smirky was the one who pushed me to do only the racks I shared with you a while back. I didn't want any of it. I had preferred to be out in the store with the customers anyway, I had enough of this exchange, and as long as all the jobs were getting done, the supervisors didn't care. Perhaps my leaving the line was an ACON behaviour, but in a way, my anxiety got triggered over it, and I knew to leave. When my anxiety is out of control, I say and do weird things. <br />
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So, I guess, Iris thought she got the best of me. She won. For now. I had several weeks of her bossing me after that, and I couldn't quite understand why she thought it ok to do this to me and not to the other people that worked there. Only me. Maybe they fought back with her and won, I can't tell, but I do know one thing. Iris thought she had higher status than me. Although Iris was a misfit herself, she had decided to play the game. She wanted in, and there was no stopping her, even if it meant hurting me. I would feel better about Iris if she fought back at everyone who started there, but I get the feeling she believed that people went into status or hierarchy, and she felt herself better than me. It was only me she would attack.<br />
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It seems strange, for the one who created us, God, never does that. We are all equal, that is just the way it is. It is only people who do the hierarchy, and it stinks. But since God created equality, and he really is the one in charge I think I will go along with Him. He created everyone, and He has still not left His throne. I would rather do what He says. <br />
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So I do have a bit of a moral issue with what I did on my last day. But I tell you, it fell into my hands, but modern day Christianity would tell me to not do that. I think Charles Ingalls would do that, and often I would see that in the tv show. <br />
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One thing I forgot to mention about Iris is that she would pout right in front of me, stomp her feet at me, when I didn't do as I was told. I think I remember seeing this one other time, when I was in school and the other kids who were misfits would try to get the better of me. And that was in grade school. Regular narcs at the top of the social ladder of hierarchy don't act that way. Only the ones screaming and kicking to climb the ladder. So they would show their power over me that way. I always hated it, and I'm proud to say, that I never participated in it. I actually preferred peace over war. Maybe that's an ACON trait, but its a good trait, I think. I liked to be next to misfits, as then I knew I had some company, and that I wasn't alone, but most of the time they would throw me to the rails to protect the head narc.<br />
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So, getting back to what happened yesterday, my last day, I hoped I built up the backstory. Its funny how I didn't see this coming or I would have wrote about it sooner. <br />
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I rolled the racks like crazy yesterday. I am sore today. But the rest of the people were happy, and they now think they have me in line, doing what they don't want to do, although I saw Iris rolling the racks too. So we rolled the racks together, and didn't speak to one another at all. I kept myself super busy doing so.<br />
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Now, no one, except for a couple of people of my choosing, not the ones in the clothes line, but others who work in the store, who I feel have no bad intentions, know's I've quit. Iris doesn't know, neither does anyone is line. I could tell by their demeanor how they feel they have put me in my place, and won. They even told the supervisor that I would be rolling the racks only, and the supervisor was instructed by me, not to tell anyone I've quit. I've asked her to keep my confidentiality, for I don't want to talk about it with anyone, and she complied to my wishes.<br />
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So now everyone thinks they have me in my place. And even Iris would get to do different tasks, but me will be only doing the racks. When three o'clock rolled around, I went quietly over to the supervisor and asked her permission to leave a bit early for I had to clean out my locker, she said "ok". Now as I was leaving, Iris stopped me. She asked, "Are you leaving NOW?" All the while she was pouting and stomping her feet and using a very aggressive tone of voice.<br />
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I said, "Yes, why?"<br />
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She said, "We still have racks to do."<br />
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I said, "Yes, you do." Then I just turned and walked away and proceeded to clean up my locker. Iris never said a word to me. But because I have so much experience in these kinds of things, I'm sure what is going on in her head. She is seething and probably will be seething inside for the whole weekend, and she is planning an attack on me for Monday morning. Isn't that great?<br />
<br />Joan Shttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07775873193806083833noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1486425189777141800.post-30197383075150033932017-01-02T10:55:00.000-08:002017-01-02T10:55:32.281-08:00A Day to Vent<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I have a lot to write about but everything seems like its a conglomerate, and I'm having difficulty expressing myself. The other day while getting myself a snack, I was actually at first looking forward to. Then when I got it, I didn't want it. Things like that. I think my emotions are getting badly screwed up, and this job is a pain. <br />
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I haven't been eating much at this job. Just one bagel in the morning, at noon, a sandwich, then a quick and hasty dinner at home. I keep wondering, if this is what life is supposed to be about. There is no want nor desire for my hobbies, and relationship issues are no longer on my mind. I said something horrible to my husband just yesterday, which he ignored, thank God, but it was only something that would have come out of my mother's mouth. I won't get into that. There is no point, but my point is, that I am less of myself these days. <br />
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I can't help but think that there has got to be better jobs out there. I know I hadn't worked in quite a while, so that might be a part of my problem, it might be. But I can't help feeling humiliated each and every day that I'm there. And now I have to tell my voc rehab worker. I don't know how she will feel about me quitting. I know a lot of people want to quit their jobs, and they only work to survive. But given my emotional state (I have been emotionally molested as a child) it is very difficult for me. I don't like to be a weakling, but this job is impossible for me. And I can't explain it to my worker, she will not understand where I'm coming from. She sees anxiety as something that needs to be worked through. <br />
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She tries to guide me. She knows a lot about mental illness, a whole lot, but she has no idea of what I'm going through. I noticed my thoughts are screwy, and she thinks that it only takes some counselling and we can work our way through. And she believes everyone has been traumatized, and it is worth the effort to get better.<br />
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I have no desire to try to fix this anymore. I wish I could just avoid everything. Avoid her, avoid going to work tomorrow, and just give right up. But, if I were to do that, then the last couple of months of suffering would have meant nothing. I'll only be where I started, and really worse for wear. I can't tackle things emotionally, it seems like there is this huge blockage.<br />
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For me, being able to go anywhere or do anything, is terribly difficult. I grew up on a farm, which I barely left as a child. I used to go to school, only to come back on the bus promptly. Mother preferred me to stay at home. I know know, that is only because I would always be on hand for when she needed to extract supply, so that is the really creepy reason. <br />
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Besides all that, I do go out everyday. The pound of my bosses to be at work ontime, overrides my need to stay at home right now. Lots of employees arrive to work a few minutes late, and its ok for them. It only means minutes off the paycheck and they have other things to do I guess. But for me it would be tormenting to even think of being late. I wish I could just be that much of a screwup, it would be of great value to me. To not do what I'm told to do, is what I must do, but I can't.<br />
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So I think I follow protocol everyday, for I'm scared of the repercussions if I don't do as I'm told. The pain of it all is extremely terrifying, it gets me no where. I can't override this, not ever. This is the terrible reality of child abuse, it does not ever go away. <br />
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So I'll go see my worker tomorrow, and I'll tell her I need something else. I won't get into a lot of the details with her about it, for if I do, she would have a quick remedy. Of course she will! This is what the mental health community is designed to do. But they are not remotely aware of the pain, or my pain. They think we avoid it, like an alcoholic will avoid the fact that he has to stop drinking, but it's more than that, isn't it? Its more like telling me to die in extreme agony and pain, then placate me by telling me that it will be ok. But its not ok is it?<br />
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My tummy is still rather jumbled. But I think I picked the worst position I could ever do. I have to listen to the supervisors tell other employees that it is hard to roll the racks all day, but keep me doing the same job all day long! Its nonsensical and callous and hateful. Then when I tell them I'm tired they make me do a timesheet! I will tell my worker this. I know she will tell me to express myself, but its impossible. One of the worst things of this upbringing is it made me so able to hide my true feelings. <br />
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Just like when a freak comes and makes a comment to us, to block our feelings, be happy. It is just like my mother. It has never helped me then, it will not help me now. <br />
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It was a conversation I just had with my eldest daughter. She told me that she is in a lot of pain due to hypermobility syndrome, more than I am. I told her, no, actually, I blasted her, <i>"How the heck would you know that, how the heck would I even know that." </i>She looked at me then stopped to say anything else. In such heat of emotion, I'm not sure, but I think I got my point to her. I can keep secrets, even from myself.<br />
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Then there is the fact that I hardly know anything about life, about people. The neighbours were in the yard playing, right in front of us, on the road, and I could see them, and they were very close. I wanted to go out there and tell them to go away. I wanted to tell them I don't like people much,<i> I hope you can understand. I don't like it when your dog comes and visits me when I'm hanging out the laundry, and you walk over here, to collect your dog, and maybe I just don't want any dealings with you. I hope you can understand, don't take it badly, its how I feel, have a nice day.</i><br />
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I wanted to, but I knew not to. Somehow, I have to go around placating people and prove to other people that I'm not really a bitch. <br />
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That's the part of authenticity that really gets to me. I don't know, but sometimes maybe we can't be authentic. I'm just feeling grouchy today, and I know I'll have to get a lot deeper than this, but its back to work tomorrow, and I'm feeling grumpy.<br />
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<br />Joan Shttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07775873193806083833noreply@blogger.com20tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1486425189777141800.post-14969738702120641712016-12-28T12:01:00.000-08:002016-12-28T12:01:02.251-08:00The Show Goes On<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I've taken the day off today, for being sick. I am sick. My attempts of having to show initiative at work, had caused me great tummy upsets. All last night, I totally dreaded going to work today. I woke up sick. Then this morning, calling in sick, made me feel even more sick. I think sickness is an adaptation of some kind. Maybe its a way of avoiding, but it is sickness, nonetheless.<div>
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I have to admit I've had a lot of anger to deal with while writing about my bungled attempts at working. Some of it wasn't so nice. And it seems strange as I sit here, and I'm literally attacking people who have a hard time paying the rent. It seems odd and out of place for me. Am I angry at them for being poor? No, I am angry at them for being poor and not learning a damn thing from it. I'm angry because they don't see, nor don't care as others get mistreated around them, I'm angry for they will bend over backwards to please the narc, as I shared in my story about a woman who was mean to me, and pushed me out into just doing the clothes rolling. All this while I drive a better car than my bosses do. And none of this makes sense. Not to me, anyway. I will still carry the ACON card written on my forehead, even with studded tires and a four-wheel drive. Does that make any sense to you? </div>
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They don't know anything else about me. Not that I live in a lakehouse, or that I go grocery shopping on a day that is not our work payday. But, it is my husband who carries the bills here. You might as well say that I am subservient to him. And we have had our problems, and oftentimes I am very painfully aware of what a life without him would bring me. I feel badly about being offensive on here, as I must take this journey, I just have to. Everything in my body screams for it. And if there is something in my heart that is evil I do want that revealed to me. That would be very precious to me. So I will sift and I will search, and if something is out of place, I will be sure to find it.<br /><div>
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I remember my mother, and I remember my aunt telling me, that it was just mother's way, and I had to be tolerant of it. I tried for a time, but I avoided mother totally, some time after 2005, I don't remember how long I'd been back in contact. The whole family looked down on me, but they were also looking down on me when mother was putting me down. It was like they were believing what mother to be saying of me. The put downs were severe, and I was trained to not say anything about it. It was my duty as a daughter. But for everyone to laugh while mother did it? It was only my husband who said mother was abusive, that a light came on, and I started to see more clearly.</div>
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But I also wanted to talk about a young woman at work who is seen in the same light as I am. She is not given more tasks at work, she is given the same job as me. Running through the store, rolling out clothes. She is a little odd. I can see it. Maybe even more as a misfit than me, she could not get the hang of using a swiftattach, when we were called to duty when there was no one else. But she is a very nice person, even going above and beyond the call of duty to reach out to me, when I was feeling badly. And she goes around trying to be appeasing to everyone else, while I just hate them. </div>
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But its interesting, when she needs help with something, she turns to me, and once I discovered I was I was in shit for helping, I told her that. Others could help her, it was ok, but I did not have the power. But others wouldn't help her, they just watch as she fails over and over again. I am powerless to help. She is part of the reason I'm so sick today. As we work together, I am hardpressed and I can't take it. </div>
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So I'm going to be giving my notice to quit my job soon. It was a painful realization I had last night. When I came on to write today, Q1605 reminded me of the fact that there is a difference between acon men and acon women. If I was a man earning the bacon, then I would have to suck up all this crap. No kidding. I would be lost trying to earn my way in the world, and I was lost trying to earn my way in the world. And I am deeply in awe of any ACON who does somehow manage the bad treatment, and the crappy work. Sorry, Q for taking liberties, but I appreciate your authenticity on the matter. This was what I was trying to prove on the matter, and I failed miserably. We are ACON's and the simple matter of earning a living is hard for us. And there won't be any momsy or dadsy to comfort us in any way, shape or form. And actually if you were to tell them they would only have a nice source of supply. </div>
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I'll be giving my notice once I get in touch with my voc rehab worker, as I won't make this big of a decision without her. It sucks how she told me what to do, and I cannot. Its like I know it won't make any difference any way to these people here. But she says it doesn't matter, then what's the point? I have another idea I will share with her after New Year's. She won't be back until then.</div>
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I'm going to try finding the type of work an ACON can do. The type of environment we need to be in. Unfortunately, in this day and age we can't go job hopping, it is not seen well, and I'm going to try to make a transition of some kind, I don't know how, but I will talk to her and find out. </div>
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The world seems to see us as "low functioning". But it isn't that. Its more about second guessing ourselves all the time, and learned helplessness. And that takes a lot of our time. Unfortunately, its something we have to live with. And somehow make our ways in the world. We had to serve at the royal hands of narcissists. If you were me, you were born with a giant parasite over you, who was sucking the very life out of you. There is just no way to get over that, at least that is what I discovered. </div>
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So, I will tell my worker, I just can't do it. There are some things about my disability that makes it a disability. And this is one. I cannot show initiative on the job. And I don't care about trying anymore.</div>
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Joan Shttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07775873193806083833noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1486425189777141800.post-33468578334723680332016-12-22T15:56:00.000-08:002016-12-22T15:56:14.397-08:00Another Lightbulb Moment<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Its great, I have 4 days off now, then a Monday off following New Year's, so that means I won't have any full weeks of work for another 3 weeks. This has been challenging, and I guess I have to tell you what has dawned on me this Thursday night. I have been thinking about people all my life, and how they are, and how I see them.<br />
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Now, as I sit here, I'm thinking that most, if not all, of these people I work with are very poor. I think of money and status way too much, but it has got me to thinking. Most of my life, was challenging, just to secure enough income to survive. Now I see how that came about. I was not given, and even had taken away from me, by my FOO, all the instincts, and survival skills that are necessary to live in the world. My relationships have been challenging, even now, but, the job thing? Come on, this job a trained monkey can do. And I have to listen at break time how the other employees are always talking of ragging down a rack properly, throwing the junk out, all like its the most important things in the world. I want to and maybe I should feel sorry for them, but I don't.<br />
<br />
The way they talk, these people act like they arrived late home from the party, and realized they had better pull something together and try to get a job. None of these people, from what I can see, have a stable income. This minimum wage salary and benefits they have to pay for, are all they have. I mean of their own, otherwise they have stable mums and dads who will secure them, babysit for them, do anything for them, so I wonder, what happened to them? Why are they so poor? What is their story?<br />
<br />
I know some kids in high school were very mean. They would not do their homework, they spent their lives in a party, fighting with their parents over it, and just never did they ever care. Of course, there were some kids, who did their homework, but not smart enough to capture the teacher's attention, and they weren't special. I know a woman like that, she is my age, I went to high school with her, now she is working for a large retail outlet, she had a good upbringing, just not all that much smart in school. But at least she did find a husband who brings in the breadwinning paycheck, and all she does is the best she can do. <br />
<br />
Lots of women are like that. Just bring home something, but not here. These are the breadwinning paychecks of these men, these women, and they rely on mum and dad to pick up the slack. Now its Christmastime and they are still talking about partying it up. I try to glance a peek at them, one single mom spends a lot of money at the restaurant, always gets take out food at lunch, but had no money? Hello, I've been there, but I don't know why I'm talking about this.<br />
<br />
Just to be fair there are two immigrants who have no other way to earn a living. One I know, who I talk to all the time is married to a man who can't or won't get a job. They are going to be out on the street soon. <br />
<br />
This might offend a few people reading this, and I can't help it. I had to pawn my kids Disney movies to buy milk, there was no mum and dad. Sure my mother came over, but only to call me a loser, there were no words of support. <br />
<br />
What do you think, am I working with a pack of wolves in sheep's clothing?<br />
<br />
And now I sit here realizing that I am being bullied at work. No kidding, if these are the same gin runner's I had to deal with in high school, then its no wonder. Joan Shttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07775873193806083833noreply@blogger.com19tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1486425189777141800.post-10825010726177414122016-12-19T17:18:00.001-08:002016-12-19T17:18:14.383-08:00My Life Before My Eyes.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />
<br />
You know I'm having a tough time with being assertive, and on the job, even a job that I don't care about. I wonder why? It makes no sense. I have a very good worker through voc rehab, who is setting forth the challenge for me, all layed out, just what to say, and do, and still I remain locked into a dread, a fear that I tend to call the locked in kind. I would like to talk more about the job, and the people there. <br />
<br />
I don't know how they manage. A lot of them have been there for a very long time, and even seem to like it. Sometimes I think it is only me who feels this way. I hear the yelling all the time, usually that is to move production through, but its insane. But this is how I feel, right? And my feelings are valid. But maybe I want something that is less physically demanding, no quotas, and that is not this place. I don't know.<br />
<br />
I get there early so I can eat my cold toasted bagel and drink my coffee. There is at least one person I won't talk to anymore. From the beginning she proceeded to give me a hard time, she is an employee and not a supervisor. But she seems to have a lot of say in what goes on around there, I don't know, but maybe it is just me she doesn't like. She has nailed me for everyone of the mistakes I had made, and even told it to the supervisors. One time I was having coffee on the floor, oh no, not supposed to do that, it is against the rules, she went and told the supervisors. Problem is, I didn't remember any such rules, and I know I read them well. I don't want to break any. She came back after her report to tell me that drinking coffee was ok. Alright, but I didn't need her help, I really didn't, but I guess I was supposed to be grateful she blabbed on me and tried to get me in trouble. I'm sure she tried. How do I know that? Well, there are some other things.<br />
<br />
I used to do a few jobs around there. And one day I was pulled out to do the one job. When I realized I was only doing one job all the time, I stopped and went to do a job I was doing previously. Then I had a woman get on my back about it. I don't remember exactly what she said, I think I pretended not to listen, she was not a supervisor. She then went away and came back and told me what the supervisor told her. That I was to go back to the rolling only. That what what the supervisor told her. That is what she told me. I said, I didn't understand, I wanted to do this job too. She went away and came back with the supervior, and she told me again in front of the supervisor what she had previously said. The supervisor never said a word, just nodded with her in agreement. <br />
<br />
A few weeks later we had someone from another department to help us. That same person who made the supervisor "tell me" that I was only supposed to roll, told this new lady that she could help out with other tasks, that it was too hard to roll the racks all day. Then I even watched as she went to the supervisor and told the supervisor that. The supervisor said, "of course". <br />
<br />
I'm trying to tell you what happened in detail here, without putting my own judgement in. You can see it can you? <br />
<br />
She is off on holidays this week. The dynamics have all changed now. I'm back to doing several jobs, now, but only out of necessity, there is not a lot of people working here. But it's only Monday, so we'll see.Joan Shttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07775873193806083833noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1486425189777141800.post-72144816060772905072016-12-17T13:27:00.002-08:002016-12-17T13:27:45.221-08:00Can I Even Be Normal?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />
<br />
Its funny how I took this picture some time ago, a few months back, actually, but it is nothing what it looks like now. You don't want to know what it really looks like here. A few snowstorms and we are now buried in the white stuff. Like I said, you don't want to know.<br />
<br />
So, I started this job 10 years ago. That long? Sorry, I forgot, a month or so now, I guess. I do tend to exaggerate sometimes, but this time this is actually what it feels like. I know now this company will never fire me, but what they did, actually, was far, far worse. They downgraded me to the worst position possible, or at least it feels like it. My voc rehab worker wants me to work my way through that. I'm doing one job and one job only, all day long. I do hate this, not for that reason though, it's more because I have to do it while the others tend to get better things, at least in my opinion. They are given several things, or the opportunity to switch duties with another, and I'm left with one thing to do. We all get paid the same, so I don't know why it bothers me so much. <br />
<br />
Its also a very physical job, and I think I got the most physical one. I work at a major thrift store, that buys donations from charities then they seek out to obtain a profit from the items. This is a very noble cause, I think, and it helps the charities make money. So all in all, it is a good thing. <br />
<br />
So I'm doing one thing only, that is to put out the clothes onto the isles. I have to put them in their exact spots, and there is a time limit, and will get called on it if I take too long. All day long, I have to do this. This week the supervisor told me that I took too long. I said, "Yeah, at the end of the day, my energy tends to lag, I don't know what to do." This was my passive way of saying that I needed their direction, or help, or something. After talking to my voc rehab worker, she told me that I needed to be very direct with people, and tell them that I need more things to do, it will get me more stimulated, the one job thing, I feel is very tiring. <br />
<br />
So what did my passive approach do? Well, it caused the supervisor to set up a time sheet for me, to fill out each time I was out on the floor to do a rack of clothes. I put in the time before I go, and put in the time when I get back. Not to mention that those racks have rickety wheels, hard to move, etc. And they never taught me how to do it quickly, to meet their standards.<br />
<br />
Oh gee. Now my blog sounds boring. I was worried about that. My point is that I am having a hard time taking the direction of my voc rehab worker, and just doing what she says. I have nothing to lose by even losing this job. I said that before in my last posting. But somehow, I am tied into "behaving" myself. No matter what. I told my worker that this is not going to work for me. I am very unhappy, I don't like it, I am very unhappy. So she is looking into getting me another job.<br />
<br />
So for now, I am happy to just rolling out those racks, and wait. This sucks. There must be another way, a better way, but all those things about being assertive I am unable to do. I flunked this test. I feel like I'm sweating blood just by telling a supervisor that "I respond better in a positive environment, thus I will need to be treated with respect". Or, "I'm tired after doing only one job all day, I need more to really get me stimulated." <br />
<br />
These are considered very normal things. I need to ask anyone, anyone at all, do you find any of these things just impossible?Joan Shttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07775873193806083833noreply@blogger.com22tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1486425189777141800.post-33324135071586746592016-12-04T06:47:00.000-08:002016-12-04T06:47:09.850-08:00Finding Answers<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />
<br />
So now I am working full time. This job is with vocational rehab, as I am still with them. They are monitoring me and my position, but I did get the job on my own merits, so this is very interesting stuff to share. <br />
<br />
It is a minimum wage job. I've been wanting to write more, but my capacity to do so was not there. I'm dealing with life in a more constructive way, and sometimes that means I have to learn to live with my inabilities. <br />
<br />
Its hard for me. I've struggled with this thing my whole life. I've never been able to hold onto any type of job, and the learning curve for this job is extremely high. This is a production job, with time constraints all day long, lots of quotas to meet, pressure and high stress. My first month there, I witnessed women crying over bullying, another newbie that started the same time as me, well, she was taken to the hospital, she thought she had a heart attack, but it turns out, she just pulled a lot of muscles, and another, and this one is hard to take, well, a girl, has constant seizures, two seizures in one month, and the others think it is the job that is causing that.<br />
<br />
So now I guess you can understand why I say this job is terrible, stressful, and overall I get the feeling it is ruled by fear and intimidation, but my voc rehab worker thinks this is just perfect for me. I say that with no tongue in cheek humor, my worker has high regards from everyone in her field. She is a leader in the work that she does, and I've learned to trust her. Well, sort of, but as best as I can do, I see what she is trying to do.<br />
<br />
I remember a therapist I once had, had me do exposure therapy. This is along the same lines, and I can go see her everyday if I want to, to talk about the job, and work through this. <br />
<br />
I'm scared of losing the job. I told my worker this. "Why?" She asked. Well, I don't think it is working out. They will get rid of me, like others have done before. You know, I might have to write this in smaller increments. This is terrible and I waited too darn long to write it all out and my brain is very foggy of putting it all together. I might write some shorter writings for awhile, so I can piece back together all that has gone on this whole time. <br />
<br />
So when I told my worker I was afraid of losing the job, and that I might not be good at this, she told me, that now we can start to work on the problems, the problems I had working my whole life, it will be painful, but there is no other way, really.<br />
<br />
Already, there is starting to unlock some of the illogical thoughts that were plaguing me. I was treated badly by a supervisor, and my worker said that it was the supervisor's issue, that was going on, it wasn't me. How to detach me, from what that supervisor did, and how I can see now it was their issue and not mine. <br />
<br />
In reality, am I afraid of losing this job? Am I really? Well, it is a paying position, with benefits. That's the powerful part. But I don't need the money, I don't need the benefits, I need to relieve myself of pain and that is all really. <br />
<br />
Soon, someday, as I go to my grave, a grave that will not be able to keep me, and I will go on, not even remembering the things that gone on in this life. Early in my childhood, pain I have suffered, and how I got to the close of that life, and I will not remember, but this blog will carry on the memory of what went on before. And someone else out there has got to see how this stuff happened to me, how I can recover, and maybe someone else can take this and grow from it too. Maybe they have been hurt the same way I was, and they are wondering what to do. I want to grow from this. I see how confused I was, and the scary stuff my voc rehab worker has me do now, will be amazing. <br />
<br />
<br />Joan Shttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07775873193806083833noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1486425189777141800.post-7633614935346478382016-08-23T12:09:00.000-07:002016-08-23T12:09:03.340-07:00A Letter for Disability<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />
<br />
I've written the letter for the disability tax credit. I feel so shaky and scared, and I feel like a doofus. How stupid can a person be? But, these things are the truth, and some I have shared in the blog, some I have not. I don't talk well, and have a hard time communicating. Writing is only easy because I can correct what I write. Real life doesn't afford me such luxuries. I now realize that when I leave the house, and I see regular people treating me strangely, I now know why. I've delved deep into myself to find these answers. I feel terrible and awful.<br />
<br />
Fear is like this doggy I keep with me always. I have not been able to get rid of it. I pray for God to forgive me and search my heart and see if I am holding back the deliverance myself. Something I am doing wrong. Fear is a sin of not trusting in God. I do trust Him, and I don't know why I am like this. <br />
<br />
You might find the letter very simplistic. But it is authentic. It was a reaching down without anything fancy, and I didn't add to anything, just said what I really go through. This is what I want to give to my doctor, and it explains everything in a very real and raw way, and stays present with what I go through. With it you can see what is actually happening with me, not clouded over with fancy words or descriptions, I just love it. It is very vulnerable, but I'm worried it might be too vulnerable for a government office. But, oh well, it is the truth. <br />
<br />
Lots of it pertain to the way I think. I have done a lot of work to get better, so when you read what I wrote, where I said that 'I stay at home lots, there is no one there to make happy', this is a regular thought that I have to continually work through. I know that we are not to be approval seeking, and that is something of a big saying for me, I'm always preaching on it, but automatic thoughts are just that. Everything else is work. Not seeking approval is work. And time, and that is what this tax credit is all about.<br />
<br />
I'm realizing now that I don't have to try to cover everything in this letter. This letter is just point blank on how I feel, how I manage or not, ways that anxiety affects me. That's it. The other stuff will be left up to my doctor. She knows how I talk and have a hard time communicating. If you heard me talk you would know that I can't make this up. How I talk is strange. Its not exactly stuttering, but I tend to pronounce words that I want clearly understood. I don't know, it all sounds strange coming out of my mouth, and if you ever heard someone who is nervous all the time, and shaky, well, that is basically how I am.<br />
<br />
I've really been struggling in trying to write the letter for my doctor and the disability tax credit. Its really been kicking my butt. All last week, it was funny, but I really had a connection to what I was doing, no matter how hard it was. I was watching ROOTS everyday, and it helped me for I had a hard time obtaining my medical records to give to my doctor. <br />
<br />
I had to trace them down from the main hospital, but long story short, I was at the psychiatric hospital, finally, tired. Emotionally exhausted to the point I was ready to just give up. I thought, 'well this isn't going to happen. There are still so many hurdles and I can't even seem to get over this first one.'<br />
<br />
So I went to the psychiatric hospital, and they gave me my records. I don't know if it is my imagination, but it feels like no one wants to do anything, and I get there and there are 2 women sitting in chairs talking, behind the desk of the medical records department. Somewhere, I know there exists massive files on me including diagnosis' from 2 psychiatrists. All in regards to anxiety. Even PTSD. I can't get ahold of them.<br />
<br />
So as I first encountered the 2 women sitting there, I kinda poured out my story. Even telling them, that I am at the end of my rope, fighting this thing. I can't seem to get ahold of my records. One of the women left, she said she was going to lunch and asked if the other was going with her, it was lunchtime. I looked at the clock, it was 12:20, and I wasn't even thinking, I felt so bad and I realized I should wait somewhere until their lunch was over. I even insisted she have her lunch first, and I would come back at 1pm. But she said she was going to do this now, and I felt this connection with her, I find so rare for someone like me, so I really did pour out my feelings.<br />
<br />
So one of the women left and the other stayed. She connected all of my files to give to my doctor, it took up her lunchhour. I can't even imagine my good fortune, I felt good, and apologized to her, and thanked her, and told her that I know my emotions don't make sense sometimes, and she knew what I needed and took care of it. I've yet to find so much rarity in a person. <br />
<br />
So my doctor's appointment is on Thursday, and all I have left to do is write that letter. A letter pertaining to how my disability affects me in everyday life. I am overwhelmed. <br />
<br />
A lot of it has to do with the fact that I don't understand my issues myself. And besides that, I have and had this amazing ability of keeping things a secret all my life, and especially while I was growing up. So when you get accustomed to keeping things a secret, you forget what is going on, and the only focus will be on keeping that thing a secret. <br />
<br />
I remember more of what my mother was really like. Mercurial and dangerous, isn't that the way I described her before? It is interesting. This fear, this dangerous and scary woman, you didn't mess<br />
around with. You told her what she wanted to hear, whether that was the truth or not, and you have to do it. <br />
<br />
I remember one time, mother actually standing over me. I was on the couch and she was standing over me, I had no escape. I don't remember the exact details, but she looked so angry, and I was telling her something, through her angry looks, watching and waiting for the right thing I would say that would take off that look off her face. Well, I was not able to take that angry look off her face, but she backed away from me, still having that look, but I must have said the right thing, for she did not hit me that day, nor did she give me the silent treatment after that, and that look only lasted for a little while longer.<br />
<br />
I remember I would get worms lots. This would make mother angry. One time I decided to conceal my worms and keep it a secret. I managed to keep it a secret for quite a while, until one day she did find out and blasted me anyway. The thing was that I was able to keep her from getting angry sooner. So I could figure it out, or not.<br />
<br />
She was always angry. Even one time I saw her sneezing, and she couldn't help sneezing, and with each and every sneeze she got more and more pissed off. She gave us all the silent treatment for a long time after that, she just couldn't get over the anger over sneezing.<br />
<br />
You would just not talk about anything. I do have all these feelings, these issues, that I must somehow put into direct words. This is no easy task. I watch other people and I wonder how they live their lives in such relative peace, and I long for that more than anything. <br />
<br />
I'll keep secrets even from myself you know. I don't like mailboxes even if no one else is around, for I don't want to know what kind of bad news, this will always come back to me in self blame. I tend to beat myself up lots, and its time to stop doing that. Its time for me to realize I need to put down the whip.<br />
<br />
Even now, I take tremendous risks in even talking about anything. When I was recently talking of the movie ROOTS, and how it was helping me, I was worried someone would tell me that it is wrong to do so. Cause slavery is a very serious issue. And with me relating that to myself, might be taken in the wrong way. But I had to, it was like I had no choice, I was drawn to do so. But if someone was wanting to fight me on it, I know how I would feel at that point in time, that my first instinct would be to go to war for my own significance, and it would be hard for me to peel back the cover and actually be present with that person. It really would be. Fear would be taking over, fear that my own significance would be lost and I must do something to regain it.<br />
<br />
We all would go to war for our significance. This is just a plain old fact. It has historical reasons, but we would do the most horrendous things to stay intact. For anyone. But in my case it is a very serious matter.<br />
<br />
Its hard to fight that. I did that some months ago, when that horrible SIL was out for supply. My yoo hoo, was not in keeping with what I was actually feeling. I should have just stayed present with that. But if I dared to stay present with her and what she was doing, I know what would have happened. The result would have been terrible, I have much experience with this. I was raised under the queen of the narcs, I know what to say to them. No matter what the outcome is still terrible, but there is terrible and there is terrible, and the safest thing to do would be the less terrible thing. Or the terrible thing you have managed to "cope" with. Not that it would be much better, but my nervous system has adjusted in such a way that I can get used to that terrible and not the other kind. What would kill other people, I am accustomed to. Even if it is very effed up. <br />
<br />
So when I saw those grown men with very substantial jobs shit their pants, and I was the only one who was ok. Cause, yeah, I was used to it. I got out somewhat of what I wanted to say, without tipping the scales into the terrible I was not accustomed to. The terrible that I felt would have been more life threatening than the bitching. I've seen mother with knives in her hands, you just stayed out of the kitchen while she was slicing a roast, you didn't want to take the chance you might do the more terrible things. They were always on the backburner, just waiting to be said. <br />
<br />
Please, please, please, I hope someone knows what I am saying here. To me this letter feels literally life threatening. And the feelings are always more real than the logic. But no one is going to come whipping me but myself. <br />
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Fear has become this irrational belief, that keeps me away from doing things, that, you know I just don't feel safe in this world. My husband asks me why he has to do certain things for me, when I can just do them myself. Like drive me around, when I'm doing things I need to do. Well, its because I will get lost, and my mind has to work overtime. And I can't do that, all I can do is try to take some things off my plate so I can stay focused. I told him not to ask why. I told him I am applying for this disability tax credit for reasons that even go beyond me. But it most certainly isn't because I am this totally capable person who has only lived a life of perfect daydreams, and teddy bears. <br />
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I never told him that the only reason he can kiss the narc butt is because he is not even aware of them. Lots of people can't connect to the truth. There are movies in which the psychopath grows a conscience later on in the movie and he is the most loving and kindest of all. Actually, I think these movies attract a massive audience. So if you want to make a lot of money make a story like that. <br />
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We would always try to please mother. There came a point in time where at least me, just gave up. Now it was just about survival, staying alive. This was buried deep into my sub conscience, on the surface I still saw mother as a worthwhile person, but deep inside layed the truth. So I stopped being honest about a lot of things. There was just no way it would keep me alive anyway. The automatic thought processes at the time, was to do what you needed to do, stay alive, but love her anyway. I guess the love her anyway was a survival tactic too, you wouldn't want her to know that you didn't love her, not that she would understand what that meant anyway. You couldn't reach her with love, she only had a tangible ability to understand it from observances she make from, I don't know, tv or whatever. There was no love around us, only in keeping the narc from killing you, and you came up with some rather clever ways to do that. Seedy ways, if you ask me, and I am ashamed about. But you do what you have to at the time, you know?<br />
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So now, I even wonder what hubby thinks of this situation with the SIL. We are not going there this summer, it appears she is avoiding him too, and I wonder what the rest of the family thinks of this for it surely has gotten around. We have not even visited any members of his family in quite a while now, and it feels like everyone looks at me wide-eyed. That's it. Their eyes are wide. Mother's eyes used to get wide. One time I saw a small feather trying to get into her eyes, and that didn't even threaten to stop it. I mentioned to her the feather. She used to sleep on a feather pillow, and the little tiny feather must have gotten out. It sat that on the lower part of her eye, but she was right in the middle of obtaining supply from me. And she wouldn't listen. So at that point I didn't even care if the feather got in her eye and scratched her eyeball. <br />
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So wide-eyes. Its hard for me to even talk to someone who does that. And the whole thing about this letter is that there are no eyes, so I have nothing I can relate to, no feelings, just pour it all out, like its so easy. <br />
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But it needs to be done. I enjoy talking on here. Outside its hard for me to tell the truth. I think secrets are what cause my anxiety. I spend so long trying to keep things hidden, fight for it actually, and when the truth comes out, or at least threatens to come out, I am in a state of panic.<br />
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But for better or for worse, I will tell the truth on here. Otherwise, what purpose does this blog serve. Since nothing is supposed to be new under the sun, that somewhere out there, there are others who can tell this same story, I will tell the story. The value would be that maybe I can help them out of fear too, if they are too locked in, they can relate to everything I am saying. <br />
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If you have fear and panic you have suffered for so long with, that you can't tell which way is up, perhaps we can find it together. <br />
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Another movie I've been watching is the 'The Book of Negroes'. I've watched it countless times. What I've been really watching is how this woman lives and survives. I like watching how people survive and live through terrible circumstances, so that I can do it myself. I'm not a sadist. I don't know how to survive, and in these stories, they are teaching me how to. They are how to stories. When the worst comes up, the show still goes on, and I am confident at that point in time I can do it too. Even if it is just a simple matter of checking the answering machine or the mailbox. I relate it to these stories. I need these stories.<br />
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But darn, the hubby has been on holidays, and he asked me, "Why are we watching ROOTS again?" So I tell him, don't ask, I don't know why, and my reasons won't make sense to you anyway. You have no way of understanding, for your understanding is clouded over with pansies and sunshine. <br />
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It sounds mean and cold of me. But he always walks away when I say that. Its because he doesn't want to go down that rabbit hole, he wouldn't understand anyway. I'm tired of people not getting me, or understanding me. And yet, in my mind, I couldn't find a man who really would understand me. There is no one. I feel I'm fortunate for he is someone who doesn't really watch tv, or needs the tv, he only wants ROOTS to stop playing, for to him it is getting monotonous. <br />
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So how do I explain any of this to the government? They have tangible questions, and things are so hard for me to explain that nothing is tangible. My mind is racing to find a way to explain all this that would be relative to them, but that just takes away my story, you know? I don't want to downgrade this, but at the same time, how do I make crazy sound normal? <br />
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I did get some good advice in my last posting. Basically to keep things tangible. Tell them how I have time issues, and issues with OCD. Good memory huh? The thing is, I have a good memory with some things, but to remember an address or where I put a phone number is hard for me. Impossible really. Tell them it was child abuse, but keep that part relatively simple. <br />
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So here :<br />
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I mean, I was struggling and struggling, then all seemed to be well. I was holding this big envelope with the info for the doctor, and even my husband was amazed. My feelings going into the hospital were dim. I was running out of hope in obtaining the files, and I really didn't believe anyone would help me.<br />
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So last week I was busy. Now, I'm going to put this letter in ACON format , then I'm going to attempt to put it into a letter for the government. I took lots of advice from 2 postings ago, so I feel like I'm ready.<br />
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I've really done a lot of things that enable me to live a somewhat normal life. That is a life from being an engulfed daughter to someone who can make it, but only with a great deal of time and effort. This time and effort is not afforded in a normal life, so I have specialized equipment to help me get there. I have help with my husband and youngest daughter, they are the only ones, my daughter especially, who are able to understand what I go through. They are my equipment.<br />
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Now back to that letter. My doctor now, wants me to write a letter on how my anxiety has affected me and still affects me. This is so complicated. I don't know. If they deny me, it will feel like a big 'no it isn't true.' And if I fail to convince them that I do have this disorder, well, it will feel like invalidation. But I have all the records. I did everything I can do. I got it all. My appointment is on Thursday, so I have to really get on this thing. <br />
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I did somewhat, the posting before last, and that one was hard for me to go through. Even now. So much is on the line if I don't convince them, including my own validation. Its almost like, I need their validation now, I didn't before, but now since I opened up this can of worms, I need to follow through, or else my whole life did not matter. <br />
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A government agency is going to do what they can to deny me. That is what they do. I have to convince them. <br />
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I do need support with anxiety. Even my husband had to go with me to the hospital to get the records. I would have found all of it too hard to handle. Even my daughter has to come with me to a birthday party this weekend for my stepdaughter. There will be tons of people there, and my daughter will make me feel more comfortable. She is the only one who understands what I have to struggle with, that is my youngest daughter. The others just pshaw it all off. But she does understand, so she kind of babysits me. This makes it hard for me in socializing. <br />
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Of course I'm just adding to my last post, this is not the letter. In relationships it is hard for me to be present with someone, for my mind climbs to the highest disaster possible. Or I don't see someones bad intent for me. I had a abusive childhood, so the bad intent does not come automatic thought process, like it would for anyone else. So if in a relationship, I am getting hurt, I will give the person the absolute benefit of the doubt, whether they have earned it or not. Be that with my parents, or with a relationship. I know I have to explain this one better in the letter. I've had 2 serious abusive marriages, and this is all in the record. <br />
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And oh gee, this one is hard to explain. I get misunderstood lots. I can't seem to make clear my thoughts or feelings to other people. It all comes out incoherent. I think I speak a language no one else understands. I can't be around other people for very long, things spin out of normal for me. I can't understand them and they don't understand me. <br />
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Doing all the normal things like even getting dressed in the morning, takes an enormous amount of effort. In ACON terms, we know this is caused by self blame, self anger, taught to us by our nparents, but it all comes out as disoriented thoughts, and these thoughts turn into bad feelings, and that feeling of a striking knife in the middle of my chest. I have to work to get the knife out before I can even manage to put on my socks. <br />
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Since I have to always apologize for things I do or don't do, this makes me a target of abuse. Others see me, and any predators can enjoy a nice feast if they want to. I seem to be always fighting fear of getting hurt. And all this hurt, I can believe I deserve. I've been working on this. Counselling was never able to help me, so I turned to a relationship coach, and in the attempts of healing my relationship with my current spouse, I've healed a lot of me. Sure, it all takes a great deal of work, time and effort. No one has such time in a normal setting, so I can't live in a normal setting. Automatic thoughts are still very messed up, and I have to work on them.<br />
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I bounce around from one bad feeling to the next. So it goes on and on. This will probably never end. My main work is spent in not avoiding any feelings. I have to train myself to feel. Every single emotion, bad or not. I have this natural tendency to try to block them, this is resistance. So I even go beyond what normal people do, and I stay present with my emotions. If I don't they will turn into bad thoughts that make no sense, but I am stuck with them. So when resistance comes up, I have to deal with it. Or I will have quite a few days of hiding at home. I can't talk to anyone, I just am scared.<br />
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I wish I started this letter when I was first asked for it. But at that time I was overwhelmed with obtaining the other information. None of this was very easy. I was like I had to feel that self condemnation first, and really feel it. I believe you can't get through without acknowledging you have that feeling. It will linger otherwise. And this lingering creates a blockage of me being able to do anything else but feel lousy. <br />
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I think this is all sufficient for a one page letter to my doctor. So here goes:<br />
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<span style="color: red;">THIS IS THE ACTUAL LETTER GOING OUT</span><br />
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I do need support with anxiety. Even my husband had to go with me to the hospital to get the records needed for my doctor. I would have found all of it too hard to handle. Even my daughter has to come with me to a birthday party this weekend for my stepdaughter. There will be tons of people there, and my daughter will make me feel more comfortable. She kind of babysits me. This makes it hard for me in socializing. <br />
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In relationships it is hard for me to be present with someone, for my mind climbs to the highest disaster possible. Or I don't see someones bad intent for me. Or I see someone's bad intent, but for me, its just normal. I had an abusive childhood, so I don't see bad intent as being bad. But it still scares me. So if in a relationship, I am getting hurt, I will give the person the absolute benefit of the doubt, whether they have earned it or not. Be that with my parents, or with a relationship. I've had 2 seriously abusive marriages. I can't distinguish how they might hurt me, all I feel is needy and scared and I find someone who doesn't mind that. <br />
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At present, I've only been with him for a few years, and a lot of it has been difficult. He is not abusive, but I find myself unable to talk to him, unable to get my needs met, spoken or unspoken, I have a hard time expressing myself. Really, I don't know how at all. This has been addressed in counselling and they tried to correct it, and with medication too, and nothing worked. We spend a lot of our time doing things apart, with him only helping me when I need it. When I can express it correctly, and I ask so that he can understand. He is getting better at this. Usually I have to blurt out everything I have to say, coherently or not, then he has to figure it out. I am usually left feeling very panicky at this point, and ask him not to ask me anymore questions. <br />
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He is the one who checks all the phone messages, mailbox, and before I met him these things filled up till I could just barely open it, and throw it all out without looking at any of it. He will never be able to depend on me for banking or paying bills, I can't do that either.<br />
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I get misunderstood lots. I can't seem to make clear my thoughts or feelings to other people. It all comes out incoherent. Its like I speak a language no one else understands. I can't be around other people for very long, things spin out of normal for me. I can't understand them and they don't understand me. And they get mad at me.<br />
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Doing all the normal things like even getting dressed in the morning, takes an enormous amount of effort. If I can't figure out what to wear, it can take a long time to figure it out, I'm caught up in what the weather will be that day, and it all comes out as disoriented thoughts, and these thoughts turn into bad feelings about myself, and that feeling of a striking knife in the middle of my chest. I have to work to get the knife out before I can even manage to put on my socks. I get stuck in a bad feeling, I can't figure out, I just give up getting dressed.<br />
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I have to always apologize for things I do or don't do, it feels like death if I don't. I've been working on this. It all takes a great deal of work, time and effort. No one has such time in a normal setting, so I can't live in a normal setting. Automatic thoughts will still happen, and I have to work on them.<br />
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I don't easily end up in happy relationships, or social settings of any kind. If that were the case I would be paranoid and very uncomfortable. I don't feel safe. I don't know why. I feel safer and more comfortable when I'm not placed in environments where a whole lot, like human communication, is not expected of me. Or I'm seen as weird, unable to be coherent. <br />
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I work on my feelings and emotions. My main work is spent in not avoiding any feelings. I have to train myself to feel. Every single emotion, bad or not. I have this natural tendency to try to block them, this is resistance. So I even go beyond what normal people do, and I stay present with my emotions. If I don't they will turn into bad thoughts that make no sense, but I am stuck with them. So when resistance comes up, I have to deal with it. Or I will have quite a few days of hiding at home. At that point, I can't talk to anyone, I just am scared. And my grown children see this. My oldest daughter is not talking to me right now, for I couldn't do something she needed of me. She needed me to babysit at the last minute. I stay at home all day, why couldn't I do this? Because I need a few days to get up and go. And I can't explain it to her in any way she can understand. <br />
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Only to the husband I can communicate incoherently and he somehow is getting used to this. <br />
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I get people mad at me for I can't remember what they tell me sometimes. I try to figure stuff out on my own instead of getting people angry. But when that doesn't work, and its all gone wrong, they get mad at me anyway. Everyone is always angry, I like to be alone.<br />
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Only when someone understands me, and allows me the freedom to be the way I am, then they can see that I am a good person. If not then, people see me as untrustworthy, or undependable, and that feels awful. So its back to that feeling of 'awful' and work my way back from there, like I've done many times. This awful feeling makes it hard to focus, so I just stay alone. I'm going to not remember what has to be done anyway.<br />
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I stay alone at home lots. There are no unmanageable challenges that way. No one to keep happy. My breathing is more stabilized. I'm comfortable. I don't shake so much. The fear of someone catching me off guarded is always with me though. I just won't answer the door when I'm alone. <br />
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As long as I have someone to help me out through my challenges, and/or time to do it, it all can go well. I can't do it otherwise. So those are the things I need, is help from a few family members and/or time to do what needs to be done. I do get locked down in my anxiety, where things don't even make sense anymore. <br />
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My education has not benefited me at all. These challenges make it so that I don't talk well, work well, I can't put things in order what I have to do in a day. I have to live with everything coming apart on me all the time. My husband doesn't depend on me to do his errands, he knows I can't. I can help the children with babysitting, I am used to raising kids, and little ones don't have all these massive expectations, and with no one watching me, I am an awesome caregiver, even with things falling apart at the seams. But I can't do it all the time, it does make me tired. For I do run into things that I do have to plan and organize and I just can't do it at all. Joan Shttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07775873193806083833noreply@blogger.com35tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1486425189777141800.post-54315418716275097172016-08-07T07:02:00.000-07:002016-08-07T07:36:28.134-07:00Describing My Situation<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I hope this worked out ok. I have here what is supposed to be the whipping scene in ROOTS. To me it represents how our own human will can be forced out of us, Kunte Kinte was the exception. There were spikes on the end of the whip, which represents to me, how forcefully we have been brutalized, and torn into pieces to just get back what we were born with. The power to be a human on our own, a person of our own. An ACON grew up with the spikes being torn into us, freedom was something we definitely had to fight for. <br />
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I, in no way, am taking advantage of a time in history, or a people slavery happened to. This blog is my own truth. I watch this stuff, and it chills me to the bone. This is my story too. <br />
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I've been asked to write up a one page composition, from my doctor, describing my mental health situation, for the disability tax credit.<br />
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I think the thing that bugs me the most about this stuff is that I have to leave out the narcissistic upbringing I had. By leaving out that piece I am going back to self blame, and I wonder what these people will think of me, having such horrid feelings and thoughts for no reason. No one else is like this, why am I? If I was wheelchair bound that wouldn't be the case. But I have severe mental difficulties that I have to work on daily. All of this takes me a great deal of time to do a task, and without my parentage, I feel like I am weird for nothing.<br />
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So, just as I can explain things better to myself, this is hard. First I have to get it all out, this is a tax credit I am asking for and I have to prove my mental functions effect me in all avenues of my life, or at least some. I believe it affects me in everything. I am to write a one page story on how this all affects my life, as per my doctor's instructions. She is very thorough, and she said there is no sense of even trying for this tax credit unless I go all out and do it right. She will attach the letter to my forms that will be sent to the tax office. <br />
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My feelings over take me, what can I say to that? My self esteem is gone, I have to work on just being enough. Its hard when you have a family and you are the matriarch, and you try to be the right person for them to talk to, and even lean on. If I feel like I am not enough, and if I don't work on that, my mind, and body wants to escape my own accusations, and I feel that I am not good enough to be the one they can lean on and count on. That is what gets me, if someone needs me, its a horrible feeling of dread that I won't meet up to the normal standards. I would rather they depend on someone else, for surely anyone else can be better than me. <br />
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Even doing this writing gives me a feeling that I want to escape from. This tax credit is called the 40K tax credit, apparently that is what some people can gain from it. So I feel all this pressure to gain that too. See, that is the thing, if I can't compete, and I know I can't, well, its just a losing situation for me regardless of what I get. If I get back 10 thousand dollars, it won't be enough, for somewhere out there someone gets the 40K. I feel like I lost before I even started. So I always have those types of hurdles to jump. My brain works against me. <br />
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Or when someone crosses my boundaries, I get right pissed off. Even if the children do it. As an engulfed daughter I can see why, but that part will be left out of the report. But it always leaves me scrambling. My oldest demands this and that, and I feel like she has been taking advantage over my reduced mental state, I did share with the children my condition, but she told me that I am to get over it, and will chastise me over it. This makes me cross at her, for I know she did not have the upbringing I did, she was not engulfed, she was able to be a person at her own choosing, I did not. I did not get to make any of my own decisions, couldn't even dress myself, mother was in total control of me, and even tried to control me in my forties by telling me I am not to leave my apartment. I wonder how my daughter would feel about that? What if I called her and tell her she was to stay home all of the time? She would likely tell me to eff off, and with my mother I had no such luxury.<br />
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Nowadays, when I have the grandkids over, I have this horrible feeling that any negative behavior at home will compound on them later in life. I am having trouble accepting the fact that I'm not perfect. Even a little baby, will feel any tension here at home, and she will pay for it later in life. So I started watching all my behaviours and speech, and it was tough. Hubby wasn't allowed to be grouchy and I forced this on him. Life is not that friggin perfect, I don't know what to do about life not being perfect. It feels like hell.<br />
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Even now while I begin the program with voc rehab somethings are stinging me. The past, not being accepted, not being trusted, and I know if someone has to trust me, that means I have to first trust myself. No matter how hard I try to hide this stuff from the rest of the people a lot of it just leaks out. They know. And when they do know they can go for the attack or start to treat me like a kid, or as someone with this disorder. Voc Rehab works in two ways. Either the employer doesn't know about the disorder and they just find me a job that fits with my disorder. For example, if I am stressed around people they just get me to work alone. The employer will not have to know, and it will not be an issue. Or, they do inform the employer of my condition, and he will be asked to be understanding. That last one feels like such a case for a sociopath to take total control and advantage over the situation, doesn't it? But voc rehab will be monitoring the situation, I just worry that they will blame me if a sociopath comes as my boss, as sociopaths are not blamed for anything. <br />
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So lots of things. If I try to just get out the door to go do something, I have to fight anticipatory anxiety. I have to fight anticipatory anxiety all the time. Even with the simple matter of brushing my teeth. Sometimes I feel that the toothpaste is too strong, and I have to not use toothpaste at all, I don't want to burn my mouth. Then I have to fight the dreaded feeling of following the path of all my teeth, all the sides the tops, everything. Yes, my mind overwhelms me with such thoughts. If I want to have my teeth last me my life, I have to work through those feelings. <br />
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I worked through a great deal. When I learned not to resist bad feelings but to just let them flow, that helped me quite a bit. It is also more work too, but at least I can do it. The trouble I have with it is that I am not used to it. I really do resist my feelings, of panic, of shame of fear and dread, but it really does take down one wall to reduce my suffering. But it is a lot of work itself, you know? <br />
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I do like a nice drive to the city by myself. But when I start reaching the outskirts of the city, I tend to not know what I'm doing, or where I'm supposed to go. I forget what the heck I'm going to town for, and I have to work on not resisting the feelings of panic, then my mind can clear. <br />
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I took on a quilting project that is rather daunting at times, to the point where I was seriously avoiding it. I did one day. So I just felt into that feeling. In a while I was back to doing the project not even realizing how I got there. It was a very liberating feeling, but it took me quite some time to get there. It wasn't like, just go and do, it was like, just feel, and when you realize your feelings have done what they needed to do, then the task becomes doable. Now I'm starting to realize how this has effected me in the job force. Its just an up and go place, and I am needing a lot of psychological supports.<br />
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Now, I'm starting to realize this will be more than a one page article that was requested by my doctor. So I'm comforting myself, by telling myself, that first I have to get all the points down. That is where I start with. I'm not going to be talking about Nmom too much here, for it can't be in the article that I send to the tax office anyway. This part is just to clue me in, for me to get how my mind works, so that I can convince them that I do need a tax credit. One of the specifications on the form is AN INORDINATE AMOUNT OF TIME NECESSARY FOR EVERDAY LIFE, THAT THE AVERAGE PERSON DOES NOT NEED. <br />
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I do have a lot of supports. Mostly I do have a relationship site that goes way beyond teaching about relationships, and reaches down into the psyche. In ways that are not taught in the real mental health facility, but more real, and more helpful to me. I do find her advice more painful actually. for you have got to feel those feelings. But at least I know I am with my true self, and not avoiding my feelings in order to get something done. That psychological effect has opened me up to the truth about my upbringing, for it always lied buried deep inside myself. Once I did that I realized I had more support than ever before. No longer was I just dealing with my feelings, and blaming myself for them, I had reasons, at least for myself, on why I am like this. And there were people that experienced all the same things. <br />
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Of course, I do get a little angry at those people who blame me, that I know full well, they had a good life growing up. So they expect me to be like them? Seriously, that part pisses me off. Even my ex-husband joked about me to his friends, saying that I must be a drunk, for never being able to be even able to hold down a job, just like a drunk.<br />
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So here is what I am going to do. I am going to spend the weekend putting all this stuff together, just random stuff, coming out of my head, then post it. It might be long, but then I'm going to take the key points needed from the tax office and just include those. So we don't make it a habit of keeping the computer on, but I will keep it on, and as I go on my day I will be triggered by thoughts and those I will put in. Memories, thoughts and feelings, and these will be all the truth instead of me just sitting here and trying to remember and think. It will take the "trying" off the table. That just makes it pure stress. Surely, plenty of random thoughts and feelings happen to me in the course of a day, things I can't just think of at will. So I will stay at home this weekend, and if I do go out I will bring a notepad with me, to jot down anything that comes up. But no stress right? This will just be natural feelings and emotions, that are happening to me anyway.<br />
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So of course that sounds like a good plan, but already my mind is working against me. Suppose some horrible crisis happens that throws off the weekend. Ha ha, well maybe, but I have to accept that as part of life. Sometimes it is necessary to go through all those feelings of horrible things happening that hasn't happened, just to get to the feeling that it is all alright. I worry that I have to spend so much time worrying, there is always a double indemnity. It is so painful, and as I sit here shaking and reeling in emotional pain, the average person just thinks that I am crazy. I am not crazy, I was programmed to be like this, for it fed the narcissistic mother, for I was only her trapped source of supply. That is what pisses me off. There was no reason for this. Just to feed that monster. <br />
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Is it that I'm lazy or that I lack self discipline? I'll admit a big part of me has a great feeling of entitlement. I feel like I lacked so much that to hell with the rest of the world. I don't expect more of other people, but when they expect it of me I feel like I was set up to lose. That is an overwhelming feeling, feeling that I must accomplish great things, not given the know how, but being expected of me regardless. I feel like a few companies I have worked for in the past, has played some games with me, for somehow I had leaked information of my lowered state. God will have to deal with them, I'm not going to be able to fair up the thing. It is gross, what they did, and and it was like everyone in my path was a friggin flying monkey, and I was clueless as to what was going on. That is why I feel the way I do, I do deal with a lot of anger, that is uncopeable, but like I said, I am sure God will deal with them. I leave them to God, unfortunately, we are not supposed to hope God will do the worst to them, but I do. Hey, these are authentic feelings, no matter how I try to sound polished, that is the way it is. <br />
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I don't feel like I'm lazy. There are times, there are some tasks that are not as much fun as the others, and they are rather grueling at times, and I prefer to sit on my butt. You know what the cure to that is? Just continue to sit on your butt, eventually, you will tire sitting on your butt, and get up to do things. If you are sitting on your butt for years, perhaps you are listening to much to what others tell you, or that you are resisting your feelings. Resisting your feelings is a big no no. Don't do that. Try to think, little children do not resist their feelings, they will scream or bawl, unless someone forces them not to, either with threat of violence or other things. And our ancestors didn't resist their feelings either, they just went with what they felt, and they didn't know how not to. <br />
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Emotions are your hard wiring. Thoughts can't chase that way. Positive thinking is never going to help you with that. It is just thinking. You actually don't live your life by thinking. If that were the case we would be like computers, not humans. So put any thoughts to thinking to rest, thinking will never get you going. Sure, thinking does have a place. If you are building a skyscraper for example. Then of course you better think on how to do that. Emotions will never build a skyscraper. I think I made my point.<br />
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So, if you are at work, you will have to think. But so much of our day is spent in feelings. Its how we live. Feelings is how we humans communicate. If thoughts were to transcend that life would not be worth living. I am trying to get to the part where I talk of social skills. This is a tough one. Its almost like I have no knowledge of what it even means for me or what it does for me, but I need to put it into place for the writing. <br />
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I remember the pain of rejection where it was so vastly important what the other person thought of me. What they thought of me was everything to me, so I became very low value, taking approval where I could get it, and it never occurred to me that this made me a greedy little taker wherever I went. But it seemed so normal. If you are my friend, I will need your approval first, seems like taking, doesn't it? Normal people don't like takers, its human value taken from them. So it takes a great deal of effort, and time, to pull myself away and treat myself like I am enough. No one else needs to give me that value, I don't have to go around taking, I can give instead. It makes me more of a valued friend, confident, worker, lover, and overall it makes me a better person.<br />
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Easier said than done, lol. Why does not my brain just give me these things? Why do I have to work constantly against the extraction of others? People seem to see this right away, and they feel vandalized in my presence. It takes a lot of work on my part not to be like this. I think this is a big social skill. I wrote on social skills before, I think I write on that one all the time. It helps me put it into place. Just start with being enough. How do you be enough? Is it something we do or accomplish a lot of things, or pretty enough, does any of that make us enough? No. None of that makes us enough. We are enough, because we are enough. We are born enough. It is an actual birthright. A blade of grass is a blade of grass, like it or not, that blade of grass will grow, do its thing, it has no other choice, it exists, it has its place in the world, it needs nothing from anything else. Maybe the soil and the rain, but we all need these things, see what I'm getting at? It has symbiotic relationships, it just adds to the soil, it adds to the sun, for what good would be the sun if it didn't produce the greenery we all see? So we are born enough.<br />
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But like I said, easier said than done. You screw up, its ok. There is a difference. Things that make you human, and any weaknesses make you more human, but you are always worthy. This is something that we just are too, you don't have to go robbing someone to get it. Imagine that unsuspecting person, who wants to like you and enjoy your company, has to give you permission for all things. Its strange when you think of it. I thought it was being normal. <br />
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I wake up every morning grateful that mother is dead. I outlived her. She can't do anything now. Her body does not even exist. And for me she has become invalidated. This wasn't even a real person. I used to think that she was important, valued, lovable. She had all this going on but it was all just for pretend. Nothing good about her that went on in my mind didn't even exist. It was all a figment of my imagination. When my aunt told me that mother had a lot of love to give, she just didn't know how, it only made me think, 'wow, the games continue even in her death'. I mean, nowadays, to me, to think of mother as anyone else than an evil monster is deplorable. You have to stretch your imagination to see anything good there. This feeling is very hard to try to explain, it is an emotion, a feeling, there are no words. The mother I thought she was didn't exist, I just filled in the blanks with my imagination. <br />
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I still have good feelings about my childhood, but I know that is only in my head too. When I think back to when I was growing up, their was all this fighting, this triangulation, the infighting was comforting to me. It felt good. I got so used to it, that life became crazy when there was any measure of peace. I needed the fighting, the triangulation, the put downs, to me they were comfortable. <br />
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And now, when things are quiet and peaceful, I have a very hard time. Things are peaceful now, I have a path, a road I'm taking, I've accepted my disability, so I'm doing what needs to be done as a disabled person. I know I want to be taken care of, I don't like the uncertainty that hubby is giving me. <br />
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I don't know how regular people don't see narcissists for what they are. I think maybe its because they are too scared of them, but that from my own experiences of it. Mother was scary, so she used that fear to bring everyone into submission. For other people who were not raised in this torment, how do they feel when they see narcissism? Maybe they don't see it. Maybe its just completely off their radar so much, that they have no experience with it, from childhood, so they don't see it. So when normal people get crapped on, like me, its because the regular people can see that sin, they are familiar with regular sin, but the sin of the narcissist is too horrible to even contemplate. They do not see it, not on their radar. But somehow they manage to escape the brutality of everyday narcissists better than me. <br />
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Ok, sorry, I guess I didn't promise any bunny trails. I have to kinda get it all out, before I can even begin to pour what is expected out of me for this tax credit. <br />
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So the social skills, what is that? I know how to handle social skills now, it takes me a great deal of time to do so, but I can do it. But I think they want to know more. How it affects me in everyday life, and this is something I haven't a clue about. I wrote about social skills, and it was a good one, and I use it, but its still a fight against this dead feeling, which I can't even begin to explain. <br />
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So regular people say that we must see the good in people. Think of that will you? Kinda deadly for an ACON to do, don't you think? But regular people already have it where they will not just automatically do that. They will keep in mind the bad things people do, all the while, keeping in mind the good that people do, and somehow able to keep it all together very subconsciously. They have no problem keeping up with making sure they don't get hurt. But we ACON's have to program it into ourselves to not just go around trusting everyone they see, and believing everyone is wanting to do good to them. Regular folks have their claws intact and can defend themselves if necessary. The narcs don't attack them so much, because they are not easy targets to access. Narcs need it easy. They have only so much energy to expend on going on the attack and they love way more, the extraction, rather than the extracting part of it. It does seem to me that they love the attack more, but I know now, that's only because they are getting the extraction all the while they are extracting. Sort of like pumping water. They continue pumping, but only will pump if the water comes out. <br />
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Darn, I see narcs nowadays, new narcs since my awakening, and its like a big joke for me. And the SIL was on the border of awakening. So she is now avoiding hubby. He sent her an email saying we won't be going, and she did not respond back at all. I still wonder why he sent her the email, and not his brother, but I seem to not even give a shit. Not much a response from hubby about the lack of response from her, I don't know what he's thinking, maybe he is blaming me for it, another thing I don't give a shit about. I know that narcs will do that though. I don't know if its because she is lacking in supply from us, for what I did, and who I am now, she knows it will be hard to get supply, and I will open my big mouth if she tries. I might be seen as the bitch, but I don't even give a shit.<br />
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Did Jesus ever look like the bad guy? Of course He did, over and over again. He kept his focus on what He had to do, regarding salvation that is, and didn't care about anything else. So why should I focus on shit? <br />
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So back to social skills. The form says ADAPTIVE FUNCTIONING RELATED TO SOCIAL SKILLS. Ok. What does that mean? Adapt means to change according to what the environment requires. Functioning, means to do something important to live. So since none of this is work related, and has nothing to do whether I need income supports, has nothing to do with how I can earn a living, the social skills in this case relates only to my everyday life. Lets see what requires a certain measure of social skills. Going to the grocery store. Going to church. Going to any store. Visiting the children. Sewing guild. Anything that is about being around people. Talking online. Other than going to stores, I don't know how any of the other things are necessary. Yes, hubby can go to the grocery store for me, but that is where adaptive functioning will have to depend on him alot. Sort of him having to push his wife's wheelchair, anything that is required of him to do, that I can't do, is adaptive functioning. There are a few times I got him to do things for me. He handles the banking, I can't do that at all. He checks the mailbox. I don't know if any of these things are considered "social", but for me they are. They feel like an accusation is going to come about at anytime ready to call me "stupid".<br />
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So I am pretty helpless on my own. There is this house to pay for, and work required to maintain it, money to be earned to pay for it, all of which, I think, requires social skills, and I would never be able to pull any of that out of my ass with a ten ton truck.<br />
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Ok, I think now I am starting to get it. Basically what it comes down to is obtaining food, shelter, sex. I will have to go back to the time of the woolly mammoth to try to sort this out. You see, women talk alot, well mostly. Why is that? How did that adaptation take place? We would have had to adapt that skill. At some point in time it was fundamentally necessary for survival. It is because we were foragers. We were the ones who gathered berries, fruits, raised children, all that stuff. Certain plants can be poisonous. You would have to know which would be edible, or which can be made edible by a cooking process. Things change, they were hunter gatherers, they weren't always in the same place. You had to adapt to whatever you came across. If the men of the tribe found the game was very good in a certain place, you would do your gathering there, it was not usually the other way around. So you talked to other women of the tribe, learned from their experience. If so and so killed her whole family eating a particular berry and someone knew about that, you better find out what that berry is. And where to find the berries too. You would talk round and round with anyone trying to get as good as a report as you can about local experiences, and where to find the stuff, and if any dangerous animals were around. You talk, and you talk some more. That is if you want yourself and your family to survive. No individual would know all this information, you have to learn how to talk and listen.<br />
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So I think I explained the process of adaptive functioning. Now if I can just imagine myself in an environment where I was a gatherer, how I would be. Not very good. I would have a hard time joining in the cliques. I just barely function in that respect. We think its silly when women clique up, but it certainly has adaptive functioning. Tribes were the norm, and you just didn't trust anyone but those of your tribe. Anyone else would want to see you dead, most likely, but only because there would be more food for them. Another adaptive function. Kill everyone around you except for those who will protect you was the way to survive. <br />
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Maybe I should just include all that in my tax writeup? Just kidding. But know, its helping me to understand that socially, besides bringing home a paycheck, that social skills are absolutely necessary. But I need to put it in a more direct format than that. This will be hard, I will have to pray on that one. <br />
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You see, for me, social skills is a big one. I can't just readily imagine myself in any setting comfortable, not without a lot of time and effort. I'll feel scared just put into an environment where social skills were expected, and I will make other people uncomfortable with my value taking, and they will try to avoid me. I will never learn what berries are safe, I will die in that respect. <br />
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So lets get back to what I mentioned previously. I said the most fundamentally, ground level, basic reasons anyone does anything is for food, shelter, and sex. Women have been known to kill eachother to get the most alpha male for he hunts the most game, she and her children will be provided for, and in hunting the most game the alpha male is assured of sex and offspring and to carry on his genes. Basically, it all comes down to is carrying on the genes. <br />
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So I was able to carry on my genes, obviously. But I wasn't provided for. I had no skills to obtain the alpha male. Even now, I don't really consider him an alpha male, it has nothing to do with how much money he makes. I consider him to be, well, how good was it for me that the person he was with comes last and others come first? How come he is still sleeping alone? Is he without the things that an alpha male has? In old times tribes, the alpha male ate the most, and got the most sex. <br />
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So yeah, he does eat a lot. But it doesn't explain how he has adapted to allowing predators to roam around in our lives. No way would an alpha do that. <br />
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So back to social skills? In relationships, social skills are paramount. That man did not have my back, so in such is the case in a "less civilized" society I would have died, long before I would have been able to bear children if I was with him all my life. <br />
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It took me awhile but I am now able to get the most of what he's saying. Men and women don't communicate the same way. He'll ask me why I'm mad. I know that is not what he is really asking. If I were to just answer the question as is, it will cause massive problems. What he means when he asks that, is that he is saying that he is uncomfortable with what is going on, and he wants me to make him feel comfortable again. So he can go back to the process of food, shelter, sex.<br />
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Lacking social skills has been a big problem for me. In relationships, in a grocery store you name it. I'm always shaky at the store, worried about what that cashier will think of me, worried about what I wear, worried about walking into people, everything. Bad adaptations, but the tax is not concerned how I got here, only of how it slows me down in life. I can't say that I avoid grocery stores, but I'm always worried, nonetheless. Then I worry about that for hours later. <br />
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I think the reason I talk about the SIL on here so much, is not so much to get a chance to bitch about her, but its where I got to see hubby's true colors. His commitment to me was sketchy in the first place, but then I got to see how non-committal he was towards me. And that's painful, that hurts. It takes me back to thinking if I was ever good enough. Yes, that lie keeps coming back to haunt me. Maybe I should be grateful that he helps me see where I'm lacking in myself. It wasn't so much what he did. I didn't have to announce what he did was wrong, all I had to do was state my position of freedom, and stand on it. An ACON will always have to fight for her freedom. I don't know if you watched the new ROOTS movie but at the ending, Tom was saying that to his new baby daughter who was the first one born in freedom. Don't expect you won't have to continually fight to stay free. <br />
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When panic comes over me it feels like this hot acid right in the center of my body. I've tried to focus on that feeling, but then the worry takes over about what I got into a panic state about. When I try to focus on the feeling, then I realize that the feeling of panic was caused over something silly, like a phonecall I have to make, something like that. Sometimes the thing I worry about is not even worth worrying about. But I'm left choking and trying to breathe.<br />
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Even the work I have to do to obtain the disability tax credit. Its like, 'describe all these feelings,' then I'm worried that if I don't do it right, then I won't qualify, and we've already spent $160 on the doctor to fill out the form. That was on top of the $140 for voc rehab. I have an appointment with them this week. I only got one of the references required by them, I need 2. I will get the other one before the appointment. <br />
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But I do know that I do qualify. Even for general anxiety someone would qualify, and I have the 'shoot to the moon' quality. More like regular PTSD. I don't think I can say that in the form without having been in the Gulf War, but you know what I mean. But I have been diagnosed with a war disorder, it will be in my paperwork from the mental health facility, so I don't know how I'm going to work that.<br />
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It all seems so overwhelming. I want this tax credit more than anything. Its a lot of money, thus a lot of protection, but there is no telling how much I'll get. I've been warned that it will come in my husband's name only, but that's ok, not sure why that would be a concern. I will just tell him I want it, that its for me and my disability, and he will give it to me. <br />
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Even though I don't have certain things to worry about, I worry about other things, there is always something to add to the list of worry. Its painful. That shocking, jarring, feeling of panic I am so sure other people can see. And there is no warning, no escape, no way I am even aware what is happening, otherwise I would just escape to the washroom when it happens. I become aware of it after, like "oh yeah, it happened now everyone is looking at me." All of which just adds to the state of panic I'm already in. <br />
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Its painful, and scary, and I'm sure that look on my face, that freaks out other people used to feed mother with the nsupply. You know and that's sick. That's crazy. You know, I don't feel guilty about not going to her funeral, but I do dread how other people feel about it. Isn't that strange? <br />
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It is not in my personality to spread a message of anger throughout the internet. Unless it is the truth, and truth is painful at times. <br />
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So I thank you for listening to my ramblings. I'll have to call the tax place and get them to help me with the descriptions more. More explanations. More help with the MARKEDLY RESTRICTED. I think of it as the "fighting for my freedom" just like in the ROOTS movie. If you want to know more about freedom, I'd suggest ROOTS. <br />
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<br />Joan Shttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07775873193806083833noreply@blogger.com27tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1486425189777141800.post-57231784996006747192016-08-05T07:07:00.001-07:002016-08-05T07:07:31.393-07:00The Narcissist Appeasers<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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This might not be the most eloquent writing of all time, but I have to vent, yet again.<br />
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What triggered the bad feelings I have is that I went to the doctor's yesterday to fill out the form for the disability tax credit. She is very thorough, and to make sure this goes through properly, I am to get all my mental health assessments together to give to her. Not only that, I have to write a one page composition on how my disability affects me in my everyday life. But she kept the forms. Without them, I can't do the writing, which I intended to do on here. I know, I can look them up on line, but I can't find the number I am to put in the search engine. I called my husband at work, he is unavailable, he has all this stuff in his email, and I am feeling frustrated. His work email I can't access, this is where he printed all the stuff for me, as we have no printer ink at home. It is expensive, we never use it, hardly, so we just get him to print stuff at work. <br />
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I know, I can probably call the tax place, but its hard to get through, and they would give me the number to look up to see all the descriptions I need to write about. I can't really just grab random descriptions about it online, they have to be the ones set up by the tax office. So its waiting time again.<br />
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Then I started thinking how I am so frustrated over everything going on in my life. Lately, I have been so angry at my oldest daughter who picks on me about everything, but lets her evil father skate. He gets a free pass, gets treated well, gets all the lurve, and I get shit all the time. Its not his fault he has no money. He has no money because he spends all of his money on dope, and I am sick of the shit. She is the narc butt kisser of all time, and I hate all the effin butt kissers out there who let evil people just walk, get loved, are you freakin kidding me? <br />
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My oldest has been on a spending spree lately and she got hurt, and is finding it difficult to work, and wanted me to help pay the bills and be there for a month to babysit. She did ask the impossible. And the stepdaughter has asked me to babysit her boys for a week, on top of that.<br />
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This was all caused by me babysitting my youngest daughter's 4 month old baby for a week. I said that I can babysit ONE child at a time. There is a reason a woman my age doesn't have babies, and for me to watch a whole family for a week or more, does not equal watching one small baby, who sleeps a lot, and just needs formula to eat. Besides my youngest doesn't make demands, she asks and she appreciates, and she never lets her father skate.<br />
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Its been more than a year now that she is been no contact with her father. He has been trying to reach her, but she ignores everything he tries. He is the guy who sleeps all the time, and yes, he can hold a full time job, he quit his job as a manager of Walmart, to sleep all day. Some might say that is a mental illness, but I am telling you it is not, he is a blatant narcissist, and that is a long description, I've written about him before.<br />
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And shall we mention my aunt, that I never went and got the pictures from as of yet. She made me feel like I was responsible for feeding that pig of a mother of mine. "Oh, that's your mother." Why don't we equate mother with a tapeworm shall we? Enjoy your tapeworm, its your tapeworm afterall, you are responsible for feeding it. You shouldn't get rid of it, it is your responsibility to love it and care for it. Don't be mean. I mean its all very disgusting. <br />
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I don't know. I think I kinda hate the narc lovers more than I hate the narcs. Afterall, medicine will cure you of a tapeworm, its not that hard to get rid of one, but the lovers, let me tell you they are the most disgusting pigs of all time.<br />
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Even my husband narc butt kisses. He just announced that there will be no trips to visit the brother and SIL this August, which I am good with, but I sneakily want to go there again. I got a good education while I was there the last time. I love knowledge, and I am starting to remember more of his disgusting SIL and how she was triggering me, but I was afraid of posting it. I might have beaten that horse too many times. But its not what they do so much, and I'm afraid I'll never be able to explain it. She is one of those clean, but nasty narcs. Even, she made a comment on why are they naked on that show Naked and Afraid, ever seen that show? Its rather interesting. SIL made a comment the group of men, wondering why they have to be naked. I said its to risk exposure to the elements, and I thought as a nurse she would know what I mean, but she didn't, and it appears that no one gets to question this bitch, or say anything to her that might make her look bad. I mean, she couldn't even have a discussion about it, all she did was get pissed off, at lowly me who would dare question a narc.<br />
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I mean the whole thing was so sexual. In my relationship group online we are taught how to be around men, and that some things can be construed as sexual, and we must be aware of these things. Afterall, we wouldn't want to do that around a best friends husband, refer to sex, at all, ever, really. I've seen my own mother do it. This can put thoughts in their head. Its ok to flirt if you are single, and with single men, but its done in a way that is not sexual, and we learn this. What she did was a big no no in any case. It is not high value behavior. I think that is why she triggers me so. Talk sex and nudity to your BIL that you exposed yourself too. I mean what a whore!<br />
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No one sees the covert tactics, and they only can see what they see. Only thing is, that they are afraid of her, and they act like they have the highest respect for this pile of shit. But me, yes I will get dumped on rather quickly, if I don't comply with the program. <br />
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Funny thing is, that hubby's sister came and visited with me the other day, and we had a nice normal conversation, and I wonder how she is with SIL. I have never seen them together, so I don't understand how this works. No one was ever open with my mother, and maybe that is the same here too. I feel frustrated. Joan Shttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07775873193806083833noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1486425189777141800.post-68905247033725152692016-07-25T14:15:00.000-07:002016-07-25T14:15:09.591-07:00The Disability Assessment<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I just got a call from vocational rehab, they are ready to get started, however, it has not been ok'd by disability. I forgot to ask what this first step was. We already did the intake, and I was waiting, for I still had at least one more week to relax and not worry about it. Now, they called me and I am to go in on Wednesday this week, my heart stammered, I was not ready, but ready or not, it is time. <br />
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I can't help but feel that since disability has not ok'd it yet, there is not much for them to do. It won't be a job search yet, I don't have to have my resume, she told me on the phone, so I have to wonder what the first step is. I'm wondering if it is an assessment on my disability? Ways in which they can help me? It's ok, but this is deeply personal to me, and I kinda would like disability to give the go ahead first, in case this is all for nothing. <br />
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And as of yet, I really don't know what my problem is. I can't hold down a job, I freak people out, ok, but what kind of diagnosis is that. I can't provide for myself, that's for sure, and if you can't provide for yourself, you still have to get ahold of some money some way, in order to stay alive. <br />
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I seem to have trouble dying. I stayed alive during the craziest of times, did crazy things as a child, that should have killed me. There was no one monitoring me during those times, and I kinda wonder where engulfing mother was during those times, its weird. I used to scale rocks in my bare feet, at one point I remember falling down from a cliff edge, but I somehow got my footing at the last minute, but I remember falling. Or the time I ate some wild berries in the swamp. I was used to blueberries, strawberries, raspberries, that was it. This strange new berry tasted so good, I ate so much of them my tummy was bursting. Turns out, they were blackberries, and they are not poisonous, and to this day they are my favorite berries. I got some at the grocery store yesterday and wanted to take a picture of them, but I ate them too quickly, there are gone, sorry. So many things I did, all on my own, but there are times I was not to leave mother's side, it remains a mystery to me. However, someone once told me that a engulfing narc will be an ignoring one too, it depends on what they want to do. It was never about 'protecting' me. <br />
<br />
So let me gather some momentum, on accessing what my disability claim is before I get into something that won't work for me. I know I can't share the real truth about my upbringing, only stay in the here and now and figure it out what stops me, what compels me, what triggers me, and what makes this a disability. What is this? <br />
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It's not about needing things to be made easy for me. The more complicated it is, the more I will like it, unless if someone around me is in a bad mood. I can't handle people, that is what it is. If they are good people? Maybe, but until my body makes that decision on whethere they are nice or not, my body will be triggered. I can't help but think this is a physical thing, that they can see. Its visible. Its sheer crippling anxiety. <br />
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I've oftentimes have been put into situations where the job was easy, never being given the hardest tasks. Maybe they thought I had a learning disability and/or not smart. Or that I don't even look capable of the task. I wouldn't have been able to step up and ask for more anyway, although that would have been a possibility. I had an evil friend at one point in time, and she used to tell me not to bother people, get along with people. She was a stinking pile of human waste material. <br />
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I am grateful everyday for my relationship site, that is really more than just about relationships with the opposite sex. I am taught there that being nice to people is not the point, afterall, why would I want to be nice? Is it so that I can extract some kind of approval from them? Is approval seeking not just being selfish really? Of course, it is. Never seek approval, you are extracting value from humans.<br />
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So, since I would rather things get complicated for me, it can't be that the job is too hard. But people must read me that way. Its funny, cause the assessment worker said at the first meeting, that I am being misunderstood by employers, and she even wrote that down on the assessment form. I'm grateful for that one. It is absolutely true. But only one piece of the puzzle.<br />
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Suppose I talk a little more about mother? <br />
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When I think of my mother, there is way too much to think about. One of my last memories is when I lived in an apartment with my daughter. Mother would call about 4-5 times a day. And if I wasn't home during any of those times, I had to explain it to her. I wasn't working during a long stretch of that.<br />
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So she would call me, and say that I wasn't home earlier that morning and the first thing that flew into my mind as of what to say is that I was out food shopping, and I told her that I "needed to". Afterall, isn't food shopping absolutely necessary? She told me that I was out too much that I needed to stay home more. And every time she would inform the rest of the people that she talked to that I was always out running around, that I had no business out, that I should have stayed home.<br />
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One day I did stay home, and didn't go anywhere, and when mother called all during that day, and found me at home, she told me she was proud of me. She told me that I was a good daughter.<br />
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This was all before I met my present husband. My daughter was 17, she was living with me, I was trying to find work, and mother indeed wanted me to find work, but I was to stay at home.<br />
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"Here's what you need to do," she would tell me. "You spend the day looking for a job, then when you are done that, you stay at home. You are always on the computer anyway, you should be able to stay at home, and not be out, bothering people all the time. You have to understand, it bothers people when you are around them, so stop doing that. Be polite to people, I know this is hard for you."<br />
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Back, growing up on the farm, it was instilled in me to stay home. I can't figure that one out. She never explained it. Nor did I dare ask. It was just something that I had to do.<br />
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I always likened my mother and my life to that Stephen King movie, "Carrie". In fact another girl in grade school at the time said I was just like Carrie. I never did like that movie, and I never record it, I will never. I saw it a few times, and just remembering that Carrie had a hard time going to that dance at school, because of her mother, and the way her mother was, was exactly how my mother was.<br />
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I hate that movie, hate talking about it, I hope you can remember the movie, hoping you might have saw it, and maybe you can see what I'm saying.<br />
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So, things that get complicated don't bother me at all. In fact, I do complicated things all the time just for fun. I don't mind if other people look at the quilts I make, and I'm rather not afraid of that. At one point when I was growing up, I used to win awards all the time for my artwork and my writing. I can't do that anymore. I have entered a contest for my quilting, with prizes, and I did an amazing quilt for it. I just finished it. I would post it, but I did so well on it, that I'm afraid that it will get me disqualified. No one is supposed to see our quilts made yet, they are to arrive at the fall retreat anonymously. I will take a picture and show it when that is over. Especially if I do manage to win. My gosh, if I do win, I think I'll be right back to that strong little girl winning prizes again, not the person that took in my mother in 2005.<br />
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Things changed for me in 2005. I was winning awards as a child, but I still had problems. I had low self esteem, they told me. I used to win the awards thinking they were just regular things, not thinking I was great at what I did. Just oh well, don't get big headed about it. But mother used to tell me sometimes that I was marvelous at what I did. She did praise me. Her putdowns were way more extreme than any praise she could give me, however. <br />
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But I was always confused about praise. It is not normal to me. When I got drunk at the age of three, my mother laughed and thought it was funny. She did not laugh when that whole thing had the potential to make her look bad. So she would just say that none of it was her fault. So it was bad what I did? So was it good what I did? Which was it? Wasn't getting drunk at the age of three something marvelous for no one else could ever do it? That is what she told me, she told me that no one else ever did it, only me. So that made me great.<br />
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I delved to try to get drunk again. I again got drunk at the age of five, then seven, then twelve. She told me that I would be an alcoholic. Not as a matter of scolding me, but just telling me in a matter of fact way. that is the way it is. You are already going down that road. <br />
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I think I got drunk more in my childhood than I ever did as an adult. I was a child alcoholic. But it was like God saved me through that, just like he did with the berries, just like He did when He probably held onto me while I was slipping from a cliff. Do I have trouble with dying? I think so. I can't tell you why God allowed me to be born of mother. I know that is probably what a lot of people might be thinking reading this, but He saved me over and over again. I had no idea I was climbing a death defying climb, how could I even perceive such knowledge? I wasn't very old, perhaps about 10, but I wasn't given living skills, so that must be taken in consideration, I wasn't batshit crazy, I just didn't know. <br />
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My oldest daughter told me that I never gave her skills to survive, that she didn't know a lot of things growing up. So I tried to help her, but I found that child in particular very difficult to raise. She wouldn't listen to me, and I would try, but like most children, she would be contrary. I was very young when I had her, and I found this child even when very young, very difficult. She had her own ways, and I was always tring to correct her, but I was wrong way more times than I was right. I'd screw it up. Hindsight always came to me, and I did grow, as such my other two children got the benefit of it not her though.<br />
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My youngest daughter seems to have a big problem with me getting a job. She told me that. She had two children barely a year apart from eachother, and she is having a hard time. They need constant attention, she does have her guy, the father of her baby, but he works so much, and its hard. After Wednesday I'm taking the baby for a week, but there is no way to tell what is going to happen after that. But we only take it a little bit at a time, I've said that before, and I told my daughter that too. So I learned to just do the best you can, the nature of life is that it is uncertain, the faster we can realize that the better. If I could tell my youngest self anything it would be that. <br />
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But I did know that life can be unpredictable. This is hard to dissect. It was like I always had to create certainty when there isn't any. I can't really explain that one well. Like right now, I want to pave the way to take care of me, and even that one is hard. I don't know what is going to happen at the appointment on Wednesday, and we can't proceed with anything until disability says its ok. And even hubby told me that he doesn't care about money, and I am making a big deal over nothing. He is a well heeled man, always been a well heeled man, and maybe that's not good. Money, huh? He has always been in the position of providing for himself, its like he can't ever relate to me. I find that very annoying. This means that he gets along with everybody, and treats me like I'm the oddball. Maybe its the other way around? Jesus was never approved of by many people, he was rejected, so why do regular humans expect to be treated better in this world than Jesus was? <br />
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I'm getting myself into a mess here, trying to access my disability, and its just another trip down the rabbit hole. I'm struggling with this. I'm feeling like hubby rejects me but doesn't reject me. I'm feeling angry at him, but I'm keeping that all to myself. There is nothing going on to argue with him right now, and its just this constant simmer inside me. Since I have to feel my feelings, I'm going it alone and just allowing myself to feel, all alone. It's better this way. <br />
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I used to know this girl online that I never talked to. I went on this forum once, never joined up, and just kind of followed her around on there. She was strong and I felt that, without her being narcissistic, she had normal self esteem. She even called out this guy once, that no one would even dare to, he was popular there, but she called him out on his shit. I saw his shit going on too, but being so popular, he was untouchable, except for her. She called him a clown. I only lurked on this site, and this girl had me spellbound. She was beautiful, from the pictures she took, exercised at the gym, took care of herself, and she only had one arm. <br />
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She had only her right arm. So she was disabled, but she lived like normal people. She didn't have to go flying down stairs, or play the drums with her feet. Nothing like that. But she said she could change a car tire, and even load a gun properly. All the things people think they don't know how to do. Things that are really so downright necessary. She said her father made her practical, and I was so enthralled by this person, who dropped off the face of the earth from me, when she got off that discussion forum. But I could just tell by the way she talked even, that there was something special there.<br />
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After that, I was out on a date with a guy for the first time. It was 2010, and we met on a dating site. We went to see that movie, called, "Soul Surfer". Basically, it was about a girl who lost one of her arms while surfing, she was attacked by a shark. There were such tense moments in the movie, especially the part where she attempted to make her family breakfast, right after healing, and she made a mess all over the kitchen. She had a lot of tasks to learn, first she had to learn that there will have to be acceptance over her new state. <br />
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The movie got me so upset, I was crying spilled popcorn, spilled my pop, the new guy had to share his pop with me, and I felt like I was in an uncontrollable state. Oh well, guessed I screwed up that date, lol. I was so sure the guy would be gone from my life forever, but he continued to come after me for more dates, just like that one he said. No, that is not my current hubby. That guy started to send me poetry that he wrote, and he said he wasn't a writer. I was sort of creeped out by him, just for that. I had to get away from him. He told me that I would forever get hurt, that the dating site would cause me to get hurt, and I thought it was just him acting out from anger. I wouldn't see him again.<br />
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I'm just pulling things out of my head now. Things that are tangible, things I can remember. Truth is, I'm afraid of the assessment. I think I only need to work in a job alone, and no one around me. But I don't like to be alone all the time, just I like to control when I'm around people and when I'm not. In a job you can't make such decisions, and you need to go with the flow. Go with the flow? Yeah, sure, tell my body to do that ok? I can't friggin do it. So maybe working alone will be best?<br />
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One thing I'm proud of, is that all my children can work and hold down jobs. As much as my older daughter tells me that I failed her as a parent, one thing is for sure, she has been holding onto a job right now for a lot longer than I was ever able to. She is able to pay her bills, she is able to live normally. Her mind doesn't scream and call herself a loser, she is capable. So even if she is very angry with me sometimes, I know she will be ok. I will have to go without her approval, its ok, as long as she is fine. <br />
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Random thoughts, eh? Ha, ha, its ok. It wasn't actually my intention to make some great analysis of myself. This was just to talk. I remember my last therapist I had who told me that I am burnt out over humiliation and fear of physical hurt and pain. That was my diagnosis. I have reached the maximum I can take with humiliation and violence, she told me. My mother wasn't into hitting, but she was able to use other family members to do that dirty work. I was afraid of getting hurt as a child, I was afraid of getting hurt as an adult. I used to think that someone who hurts you loves you. Otherwise, why are they paying you such that special attention? <br />
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And humiliation, my gosh, I think I have wrote that all out a long time ago. Sometimes I think it would be best for me to make a summary of my whole blog. Put all the pieces together.<br />
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After my last posting it has dawned on me that I'm terribly afraid of rejection. I'm afraid I'll be rejected by the disablility job for being too crazy, rejected by the people, rejected in life. Maybe I should be talking more about my former work experiences. Ugh. To talk about anything specifically, pains me. Lots of the good people just left me alone. Even they would trigger my anxiety. My mind couldn't pick out if they could be trusted or not. Besides, most of my friends at the time were narcs, so I had a rather twisted notion of what trust really was. <br />
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I never trusted myself, even when I felt my friends were tormentors themselves. I was always second guessing myself, always expecting the worst, and my best friend would compound those feelings about myself in our various coffee chats. She even said that I probably had a personality disorder. I was grateful. I took that to my therapist I was seeing at the time, and my therapist wanted to speak to her about that some more. What was so funny is that I had no idea what was going on. My friend declined. My therapist assured me, that I had no personality disorder, that I had PTSD which was compounded over humiliation and violence. My friend told me that I had a severe potential towards violence, that I could be very violent myself, and after I told my therapist that, she wanted to see her again, it seemed like she was just dying to see my friend, which she never did. <br />
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My last get together with my friend was because she told me that I put the therapist's thoughts before what she had told me. I told my friend that my therapist had 20 years experience dealing with people, and my friend only a couple of years, she was a social worker too, but anyway, that friend never spoke to me again. Our last meeting, I screamed a bit while the wind almost took the door off on my way out, and I could see her laughing at me, eyes wide, I almost thought I saw mother. <br />
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I screamed a bit, but it what was weird that I wasn't scared or nervous about the door, it just felt like a normal thing to me. You know I can't put this thing together. Perhaps I'll just tell the person who I talk to on Wednesday what my therapist had said, that I had PTSD over humiliation and violence, and just leave it at that. I just hope no more questions will be asked, and we can proceed.<br />
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<br />Joan Shttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07775873193806083833noreply@blogger.com16tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1486425189777141800.post-65262556877110535562016-07-15T09:48:00.001-07:002016-07-15T09:48:56.025-07:00Crazy World, I Don't Fit Into<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhzQ9Vos8rHhc2i0drxSM81foBmSit2h_fqF-tIEdxAcMdlihBooqLWTSCkUQlArLteOw6vaLNRwIBUsONK0gDIpmjLTrKlDIlmO4IDFV9kixxONK3fH0E4GxhYM7vVa0JbVVG-L3AaJw/s1600/quilt+%2526+roof+001.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhzQ9Vos8rHhc2i0drxSM81foBmSit2h_fqF-tIEdxAcMdlihBooqLWTSCkUQlArLteOw6vaLNRwIBUsONK0gDIpmjLTrKlDIlmO4IDFV9kixxONK3fH0E4GxhYM7vVa0JbVVG-L3AaJw/s640/quilt+%2526+roof+001.JPG" width="480" /></a></div>
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This is a stained glass quilt I made, it is finished now, and put together. This is the not quite finished project. It does have at least one mistake in it, that you can probably see. Oops, two mistakes that you can probably see. But its ok, I want to sell it, and make another, I don't need two.<br />
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My psychological condition has been diminished somewhat. I've tried my hand at working functionally again, and the feedback I got was very painful to take. Although it wasn't paid yet, the possibility of it turning into paid employment was a possibility. I wasn't going to get paid or hired on by my church camp. I can't talk about this anymore. But all my dreams of being functional and normal were dashed, and I'm afraid of that. I can't provide for myself. <br />
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It seems strange, I can work at the food bank, and I don't understand that, so how come I can't do anything else? Or at my sewing guild, not volunteer or working, I noticed that people there treat me like I'm a bomb ready to go off, or something. <br />
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All the while, I feel normal. I feel like I'm very normal doing whatever they tell me. I follow suit, I'm a very good worker, I'm told. Yeah, yeah, but I'm batshit crazy right? Try to tell people once they find out about me, that panic attacks won't go anywhere else, that I'm not going to fly to the moon or shoot anyone. What that is is all there is. A therapist once told me that, it doesn't get worse. That's all there is. <br />
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So why am I so broken? Are we so maimed that we can't put it all together, that somehow, with all my genius and brilliance, I can't? I can literally solve any mathematical equation, Well almost, I've taken quilting to new levels, even redesigning the designs. That is when I am in the quiet of my own sewing room and no one is watching me. I feel normal, so why do I get the feeling that I'm not normal? Normal to me is not what normal people call normal. <br />
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I understand that a lot of ACON's can work and lead normal lives that way. What I"m saying is that we are so different from eachother, we are individuals, with each our own unique ways on how the child abuse has affected us. I still don't think this is broken, I think its adjustment to a terrible childhood. Just like polar bears have adapted the insulated fur. Now if a polar bear tried to live anywhere else he would look strange. Imagine a polar bear in the state of Texas walking down the street. He still thinks he can catch seals, play around in the ice, but it simply is not the place for him. There is nothing wrong with him, he only needs to be up in the Arctic where he belongs.<br />
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Where do I belong? Back in the narcissistic househole? No way. It was that what had formed me. I am still a creation of God, and God has not forsaken me. <br />
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Needless to say I am back in therapy, for my issues, and I don't feel I can relate to any of the counsellors. They have me cornered, for I feel strongly that is not I who has the problem, my nervous system is reacting to the deep moral corruption.<br />
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I don't know what I'm doing wrong. People like me, they really do. So that is separate from my issues. Learning that I was an ACON was a blessing, yes, but it also meant that now I had to watch and keep alert for I was a target. <br />
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I have a psyche community who will write me for anything. I have been pursuing a disability pension, but I can't for hubby makes too much. So, I don't know if you think that is right or wrong of me to do so, as we do have the monetary means without it, but I would like some independence, I feel so dependent on him. Given my complete and broken state, how much longer can he deal with me? Then I would be left with no means of support, dividing marital assets has not set anyone up for life, unless they are a millionaire. He is already putting others first, in regards to him thinking that they are more "sane" than I. Even if they are MN's or not. It leaves me in such a state that I'm doing things that maintain my "financial" status. I cannot work again. I'll never provide for myself, I don't look sane. And anything can trigger an attack, and I think I'm letting go of the fact that I can control it. Its funny, it doesn't happen in my volunteer activities, which I don't understand, but it does happen to me on the job. Go figure.<br />
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Lately, I have enjoyed the black history shows, including the new "Roots". It is not as valuable to me as was the older version, even if it is more "factual". For me it is about "feeling". I can't help but feel the older version gave a more real feeling of "freedom" than the new one. The new one, freedom is implied as "this is wrong", slavery is wrong, but "freedom" is to me more powerful. <br />
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And the show, "Book of Negroes," takes me back watching this young woman live a life, trying to be normal but nothing is. This is why I like Black History. To me, nothing is closer to living as an ACON. When I watch these shows, its like my own life played out. When I leave out the "black" issue, when I leave out a lot of things, and just think, what life was like for these women, not knowing when she'd be raped, sold off, killed, never knowing what would happen, but trying to live as normal as possible.<br />
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In the Book of Negroes, if you want to watch it, prepare yourself to fall in love with the character of "Amanita", or Mina for short. She made me feel strong again. And its only on once a week, and then its ended at the 6th episode. I know I'll feel sad when its over. Tonight is the 4th episode, and I'm already grieving over it. <br />
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So what is this thing about narcissism? Not that I'm trying to figure them out so much, but it never escapes my thoughts of how I was tormented by them all my life, and I sit back here now and think, WOW. That is all it was? I could have dealt with that a long time ago, by not blaming myself for anything they inflicted upon me. With that, I would have had a much better life.<br />
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Thanks to Peep from her blog, she gave me some very good advice. She told me to check out vocational rehab, so I did. Its about working and having a job with a disability, and they do that. <br />
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The only problem is, that I have working in something that accepts my disability, it was from one experience I had a long time ago, and it was very bad. I worked in the mental health field for such a short time for a member there had been in prison for a long time. He had the compassion of the people there, and when I first saw him, I saw the psychopath of all psychopaths, who could play the game very well. <br />
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I'm not saying that all people who went to jail are psychopaths. Some are very good souls. But some are the non-souls and I can tell the difference. Even if they are faking, I can tell. I don't know how to explain that, but its in my body, I can feel it. That is when I can seriously lose control of myself. I have to be careful with former prisoner inmates, and if I find one that triggers me, for sure I will be blogging about it.<br />
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I know with the relationship issue I've been having has been ongoing, and a lot of what I'm doing in regarding to giving him trust, seems to be working. He doesn't trust me, he thinks I'm crazy, but he loves me, its strange. I get that from him, and I know that he will not abandon me, but still think I'm crazy. Like a batshit loony crazy wife, that he will stay with, its awful. Its because he feels safe with me, as crazy as I am, he knows he won't get hurt around me. Its strange. Maybe the men here can explain this one to me, I don't get it. I tried to understand what he thinks and feels. Only thing I can understand is that he senses my vulnerability, which makes it impossible for him to ever leave me. <br />
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Of course, we are never to be that certain, but with this one, it sure seems like it. It didn't take long to get any kind of commitment from him, he's not all about his money either. At least it sure seems like it. He has his ways that are sure hard for me to take all the time. Sometimes I wish he had a little of what my ex had in him, some charm, but I had to learn to accept him the way he is. If I'm not careful, he will try to talk my ear off about bolts and machinery, and I have to teach him not to do this. I do listen to him and contribute to these kinds of conversations, but I have to tell him when its too much for me. He's rather dry and direct, and seriously, I think he can contain those thoughts for a long period of time. <br />
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So, in making sure that none of my decisions regarding him, come from a fearful state, I have found some ways that perhaps that I can take care of myself. The job is one of them. <br />
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I am excited about finding a job where my anxiety won't be an issue. I have never had anything like that before. I know I will still have to work on it, but I think it will let me work on it at my pace. I don't care if its boring or whatever, but I'll feel accepted. Besides, I do find ways to make things interesting. I love and like myself, I am the most interesting person I know. I truly do have a lot to offer the world, in regards to my skills and abilities. I'm still young enough to somehow get back into my field of science, and that is what I'm hoping for. Big dream of course, but its making me happy just to think about it.<br />
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I don't know anything more about that trip to visit his brother and insidious and incestuous wife. We have not talked about it, I'm not bringing it up, neither has he. What I've been doing is adding the high value of trust. This is so high value, it will pain him to breach it. That is what I am making sure of. It costs me dearly, so he can't take it and just stomp on it. At least I think so. We'll see. I will continue to do so, that trip won't be until the end of August though, so its going to have to wait. In the meantime I will continue to pour in the value.<br />
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All the while I'm doing that, I'm securing and stabilizing any future plans I may have to make. As far as the husband is concerned, its gotten rather crazy over here. He's been getting into some trouble with the neighbour, I described in a posting AN EVIL NARCISSIST. This goes way back. The law has been getting involved, and I told hubby straight out that he was being targeted. He has been enjoying this, and I wish it would stop. The evil man was once supported by hubby's ex, and no longer, thus he has been at this full force. It involves a few neighbours too. This is a long story, not one I am meaning to get into, but it tells the story of how effed up my life can be staying way out here in the bush. I can't hide from these evil creatures, no matter how hard I try.<br />
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I told hubby to try to get out of this trouble, but no can do. I know so much about narcissism that its scary, and I told him that. I told him that these people basically have the world turned upside down in their heads, that they are right and will never convince him. You can't help him, you can't destroy him, either way the evil man won't care. But hubby reminded me, that I myself have a habit of opening my mouth at the worst of times. This much is true. I can't help it. I don't know why after everything I've been through it still shocks me. That I'll open my mouth about it, in shock. It doesn't get me anywhere, I know, but heck, they still never cease to amaze me how low they can go.<br />
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Its sickening to watch this happen. The comments from the evil man, "So and so needs to have another heart attack," astounds me. I'm kinda having to deal with my own issues here, and I can't be bothered with this. <br />
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It will be a few weeks to get approved by disability for them to help me with working. I got the doctor's note, $140. I didn't want to tell hubby anything about this. This was all supposed to be my secret. And you know me, in any case, I keep secrets. So this time I decided to tell him straight out. He was going to find out regardless, because all he has to do is check the bank account. It felt good, whew, I felt better, no anxiety causing secret. <br />
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So its all done, all that's left is waiting. I'm rather excited. She told me there are driving jobs, that are hard to place people in. It seems that a clean driving record is rare in people who go there. But not me. She said this would be perfect for me, and that I would get to do it all alone. I love this. I go long distances just for the fun of it. We travel far to go places just because of where we live, and I totally love it. I can get paid to do that. <br />
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Its not hard to feel good anymore. The only fear I have is that I'll be considered too crazy even by them, and they can't keep me on. I'm worried about that for sure. But, fear does not have anything to do with the decision making process. And in that case I should not be afraid of going it alone, totally rejected, even by the mental health community. I wonder about my mind about that. But, it is what it is, fear is a hard line I come against sometimes.<br />
<br />Joan Shttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07775873193806083833noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1486425189777141800.post-87820047044346537382016-06-13T06:14:00.000-07:002016-06-13T06:14:41.837-07:00What to do if you Run into the Narcissist.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I'm terrified of just going down the street of a city I've lived in for a long time. Or who hasn't had to cope with narcissists on a regular basis, due to living situations, work, whatever.<br />
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I especially loved the hand motion practice she taught here. It reinforces it into our own brain, that is something that will help to remember. It creates the boundary.<br />
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Or not even validating the narcissist. They do things, well, its all here. I don't want to influence anyone, but this even has info about how to react when you get caught off guard.<br />
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I know the headphones is not going to work for me, for I have eczema, I've often envied others who get to listen to headphones, and would walk down the street that way if I could. But there's other stuff here. Lots of good advice.<br />
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Its true though that if you act like your super busy, very important person, that will attract them. Be busy but boring, this will make them go away. You don't owe them politeness or civility. I love that, I never knew that. If they lose it on you, she talks about that too. We think we have to respond to narcs outrageous behaviour, but we really don't.<br />
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Overall, I feel these are good tips, to help with real life, in real situations. No contact is nice, but what to do when when you run into them.<br />
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Remember don't act rude, that's just too juicy for them, and they will attach, you want to be boring.Joan Shttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07775873193806083833noreply@blogger.com14tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1486425189777141800.post-43887007511105078372016-06-12T07:39:00.000-07:002016-06-12T07:39:35.874-07:00Narc Upbringing and Trust <table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The New Roof</td></tr>
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Its taking me so long to get this out. My feelings are rapid, hard to tell what's going on sometimes, slow it down. What was the real problem here? Was it that DH took the side of a narcissistic woman? Or was it that I was too focused on not being able to take care of myself, and making the decision out of fear. For me, this would be normal. To stay in bad marriages, well what was the alternative? The rest of the world won't have me, so this seemed to work for me until the coming of the Lord.<br />
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Along with the understanding that I'm an ACON, came new ways of living. I didn't understand before, how my mind was formed from birth, how my upbringing made me the way I am. I eventually did escape my abusive marriages when the pros of leaving outweighed the cons. Then I could go. I've also learned a whole lot more of valuing myself, treating myself with the same respect that I want others to treat me. Or hopefully how I want others to treat me. I always expect to be treated badly, and was never shocked about it. <br />
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I am an educated woman. Not just high school here, I am educated in the world of engineering and science. When I get to think, therein lies the real me. I think I formed this way, for my mother was uneducated, so any thinking and forming new ideas gave me a break from the engulfing. At least in my head anyway. This was a world she could never enter, and there I found my peace in the labs of the chemistry class, all through high school even. It helped me escape bullying even, for to me, to think is freedom. <br />
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It doesn't always work well though. If I am too overburdened, like lately, its hard for me. I like the idea of thinking, but I could never put the other stuff away, it seems. That's when I get confused, lost and disoriented. I go into town and I forget where I'm going, its hard to understand me at times. Its hard to understand myself.<br />
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I am also (well it was a test I ran on myself) 80% feminine, and 20% nerdy boy. Ha ha, now I know I'm making sense. <br />
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Ok, back to what I'm trying to talk about. It wasn't the fact that DH lurved his SIL more than me. That I can handle. But I could not function in a way that normal people do. I am a target wherever I go. I am afraid. Tell him to leave, then no money, no support, these are tangible crisis areas. You might poo poo the concept of it, but for the sake of being real and present, this is what it is. <br />
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So I have a plan. I was afraid, and I couldn't think for the longest time. I fully understood that I was under narcissistic attack, and I also realized my limitations, too, as well, maybe more profoundly than I realized I was under attack. <br />
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This came about as a huge reckoning, that it wasn't the fact that being under attack was my main problem. The problem was, was I able to take care of myself in the event that everything came apart? Now, now, I know what you must be thinking, and I was thinking the same darn thing. That I shouldn't have those thoughts, or place barriers on myself, that I am enough, I'll make my way in the world no matter what. Easy peasy, right?<br />
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Wrong. I wasn't being realistic and present with myself. Yes, I am enough, born that way, but when you're an ACON, you can believe your enough, ok? Just sometimes you run up against a brick wall, and you need time to recoup, to get better, till you can say you're alright. The event at hand was horrible, and my own DH did not stand up for me, was the issue here. He couldn't or wouldn't take care of me at a time I desperately needed him to.<br />
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I've been trying to explain, here and there. I was sharing about how to deal with narcissists. Confront them? No, mother loved that. She loved to be confronted on her abuse. Then I remembered a story that goes way back into my childhood about a family that sold their farm just to get away from us. It is no small thing to sell your property, to move on. But they did it to get away from the sheer malicious envy of my mother. Mother was spreading rumors and gossip. Mother said this full time homemaker and wife was a tramp. It wasn't true. I knew this, I went over there enough times, and I tell you the aroma of cookies, and pretty decorations still play in my head. One of the best memories, and I still have that memory, it was so good, just a tidbit of good from a horrible childhood. <br />
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I still feel like mother plays on in my head too. I have never amounted to much. And to tell the actual and authentic truth, if DH did stand up for me, it would have been more than my "lesser than" mind could ever bear. What does this mean? I don't know. I'll try to put the pieces into place. <br />
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My mind is all over the place on this one. I prayed for God to help me get it straight. I knew I was seething on the inside, so it made it all so hard to think. And I also remember a psychology professor told me that studying for tests and exams is all about how you put information into the right places into your brain so that you can access them at will. Otherwise you have no hope. You may know everything, and its not that you have never learned it, its there, its just lost in the network of your brain. <br />
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That's true. From that, I learned at just throwing memories out there. If DH was very loving it would be torturous for me. I think I said that before. He has never crossed that boundary. Sigh. I made the mistake of sharing at others blog, now I have to regurgitate the information. I have a weird sense of myself. To have been with this so long, and to realize that I wasn't picking up any cues, was hard to take. I'm learning that now, but so hard to get there. Feels risky. Of course it feels risky and scary, Nmom would never have allowed it. This venture into new territory and boundaries is a difficult road in fear.<br />
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It hurts me that mother attacked a wonderful and gracious family. She actually set out to destroy them. Kind people, who had no way of coping with a spiteful, narcissistic woman next door. I feel sorry for them. Now, I meander my way through life, with mother's dirt on me. That I don't deserve much. I don't deserve anything really. Just survival, and that is exactly the way mother put it. Don't do much for me, just cause.<br />
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If I had to suck up to a man to take care of me, there that is the way to go. Mother left me 8 thousand dollars in her will, with one caveat, this is what my aunt told me, "Your mother said you will need the money, for when the time comes, it won't work with him." I was ashamed of sharing that on my blog or with anyone. What will you guys think of me? Of course, my aunt told me this over the phone, which is something I really appreciate. It doesn't always work that way in my family. At our meeting, my aunt told me lots of stuff about our family, how my dad was so cheap, and that mother sacrificed to keep us fed. My dad was not much of a provider, and my aunt made sure to say that right in front of my DH, who was sitting right there in the restaurant table, right beside me. He got the lowdown on my family, stuff I never even told him, why would he have to know? I felt degraded, but I knew boundaries would be crossed, I learned that lesson very long ago, boundaries did not exist. A lot of the stuff she did say was true, but she left out a whole lot. Mother did seem to be deprived, and helpless, but there are real facts about my mother that leaves her out of ever being innocent. I let my aunt talk, I didn't care anymore. I was wondering why we were sitting in a restaurant, since she did have a home we could go to. I felt dirty at that point, and even DH mentioned it to me why we were not meeting her at her home, but I didn't know.<br />
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8 thousand dollars was supposed to be my meal ticket for life. It was all I had. I was resentful over mother giving it to me for that reason, and we spent it on the roof. Which all seems so very foolish of me. I am expecting this to be my home forever. It was an expensive roof, it took all the money and then some, and it will never have to be replaced, it is a permanent roof. There I need no insurance, I got my insurance now, I have a roof. <br />
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That caveat stuck with me. 8 thousand dollars was for my survival. Maybe I should be grateful. I would have been, if she have not stuck it to me. I was intending on building my life with this one man and I wanted everything to be permanent with him. I bent over backwards to please him. I cowered even. I thought now I would be vulnerable, and he wouldn't do any thing to hurt me. I didn't want to believe that my mind was actually working against me. This wasn't real vulnerability. Everything became a mess with me. I was scared again, just like I was before. I was terrified I was going to end up alone, with nothing and no one, just because mother had said it.<br />
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So I was afraid the second my aunt gave me the money. It was terrifying actually, and I hope I am explaining that one well. From the very first day of hearing of no contact, I just loved it. To me, it was my ticket out. No longer am I to have to beat my head up against a wall, and try to make nice with narcs, this was all over with. Done. I was happy to finally have the acknowledgement that this was not working, never will work, and I could just leave the whole mess behind.<br />
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I had to think some more. People have said of mother, and I believed this for the longest time, that she only hurt people because it made her feel better. Ok, that is true, but not exactly. I saw mother, who could have had good friends, who could have done better, actually choose the lesser of people to make her friends with so she could have a steady source of supply. And she didn't teach me that I had nothing to cling to in life because it was a loving message, coming from a loyal mother who was only trying to teach her daughter to stay safe. She told me that to destroy me. Mother never wanted better, she only wanted supply. It was what she lived for. She wanted to see me go down, and I know that for a fact now.<br />
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But that wasn't the end of the story. Just when I am starting to feel safe, came this message from mother. She paid 8 thousand dollars for me to hear it, it was that I was never good enough. I am not to feel safe, I will be needy forever. Education or no education, I am no good. That's what it was. So I tried to hang on to something, and we know in relationships that is bad to do. We can't hold on to someone, we are to allow them the freedom to decide for their own selves if they want to be with us. I knew this for a fact. I had taken a course in that, but even before that, long ago, I knew what this was, and it wasn't working for me, so I needed to dig deep, find out what was really bothering me and solve that problem first. <br />
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And the truth was, I didn't screw up that badly in life. I don't have a trail of messes behind me, not really. I have been able to solve most of my problems. One bill, a credit card that is over ten years old, is way past the due date of collections, and when I told that company who called me looking for the money, that they would have to sue me or I'm taking this up for harassment, they were gone. And as far as I know this stuff is taken off my record too, I have a good standing on my credit. No money of my own, but I have a spotless record, really I do. My point is, that I had to pick up that darn phone and tell them to get lost, and I did. It didn't feel marvelous, we do want to pay our bills, but this was not solvable, so our government had instituted statute of limitations to help us, and I used it. <br />
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See, what my problem was I was believing my mothers lies about myself. When reality clicked in, I realized I can take care of myself. I took a course in understanding men, and while I'm at it, I'll give you a secret. Just so that you know, and if you are a woman this is going to be very helpful if you've been brainwashed. You don't have to give a man sex. Exactly. There are lots of biological reasons for this, but just realize that. So any pressure you feel regarding having to give him sex to keep him around is bogus. It never worked that way. Sure, men have taken the sex before, of course. But they don't need it from you, until you are committed in your heart, and that is just a plain old fact. <br />
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It still plays on in my mind, how these neighbours we had growing up, were supposed to be very bad people. That is what mother said. According to Nmom the husband was abusive, the wife cheated, he had a roaming eye. But all I saw in my child's mind was this perfect and loving family. Of course, I knew and believed mother to be always right but where was the dirt? I didn't see it, but I believed it simply because of mother's say so. Mother intended on brainwashing me right up until the very end. She didn't care, or even know how my relationship was, she just made a prediction. And there I was trying to pick up the mess, real or not. It may or not have been a mess, but I was not prepared for any tragedy, and here was mother trying to make sure I would be provided for, nonetheless. Overall, I always believed mother to be right, regardless what I saw in front of me. <br />
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No doubt, things are a mess now. My narcissistic upbringing has brought me challenges the regular folk don't understand. So as I realized I was making all my decisions from fear from that point on. I am afraid of my future. What was going to become of me. So I clung to DH for dear life, and I let his douchbaggy ways just slide by. <br />
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Ok, you know the stuff that happened, I described in the previous two posts. But I couldn't think. Something inside me screamed that I had no chance in life if I didn't stick by him no matter what. I love the advice I got, however, as good as it all was, I'm afraid that it wasn't present with me. Tell him this, or tell him that. That was all good, but it was no help for a woman who had no power, and had no right to be taking chances with her relationship. I couldn't expect anything out of him, he had all the power. He didn't need me, but I needed him, so what the heck was I to do with any kind of advice? He didn't need me, he was successful. <br />
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First of all, I had to come up with a plan. I needed to get him out of my mind, and the situation I just put aside. What would I do without him? That was my real problem here, not the SIL, not the freaking out she did, but what was I going to do? I had to be realistic. I have been a targeted source of supply for so long. My career is in the toilet because of it. If I could focus on that and only that, I know I could figure it out. I was not to confuse myself. It took my down some terrible mind trips. I can only share a few on here, I felt defunct, worthless. I prayed, and I remembered some things. Lisette's post made me think, then Q's post made me think. All I felt was "lesser than" my whole life. <br />
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Imagine the wife, if you will, that I mentioned believed mothers gossip about herself? Just stay with me on that, for now. I am going to put myself in her shoes. Ok, stay at home raise children, but I'm a tramp? Must be a tramp, for that woman says so. I know your belief system at this might be a little off, but imagine if she believed my mother's smear campaign? Mother only hated her for being what she was, a good wife and mother, which the narcissist sought out to destroy. My mother was so good at this, and she could walk around in a relative overt style. She could have you believing something of yourself just on her say so. Yeah, my aunt called mother mean sometimes, but other times mother was very nice. And mother struggled to get by. She had no resources of her own, the men in her life all used her. She had nothing. That would make anyone feel sorry for mother. But what audacity did mother have to attack people she was jealous of? I know, we all feel jealous at times, but is it normal to launch a smear campaign like the one she did? I think mother was out to destroy, and there was no pity with mother, the fangs were out. This poor impoverished woman, my mother, was just pure evil. To take a wholesome and loving family, and mother tried to bury them in dirt. My mother, my poor innocent mother, who was only mean because she was just angry? Or hurt? That is what my aunt tried to tell me. It was difficult to go back home with DH, I'm grateful he didn't ask any questions, but I felt horribly ashamed. All the dirty laundry. But, when I put myself in the shoes of the woman that mother smeared, this was like a gift. <br />
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One day we were all sitting peacefully in the livingroom. This man busted into the house, and layed into mother for the shit she stirred up. My mother denied the gossip, and even informed him that maybe he should open his eyes, that his wife was cheating on him. Even as a child I knew that his wife didn't drive, she didn't have men over, and it was impossible, we were very rural, can't even walk into town, it was far. Well, my point is, the man denied it, his wife denied it, and I saw firsthand that mother was wrong, but I wouldn't come to understand till now. Mother was wrong. This is a foreign concept for me, and I'm loving it. It will spell my freedom. <br />
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Well, we did have friends growing up, http://joanfrenchy.blogspot.ca/2015_04_01_archive.html, but they were as crazy and mixed up the same as we were. I didn't feel that way at the time. To me, it was great when they came over or we went to visit them, but I never knew this family all had sex with eachother. I wasn't supposed to know that. Mother did shame them too, but it didn't matter. They got used to mother and the way she was, they were not expecting any better. The mother had sex with the sons, and the daughters were too. I know, and that is why I can't put this blog on the google search engine, its too dirty. <br />
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I mean, whatever, it doesn't matter, but I do want everyone in the world to read this. And my brother that hit me too. I used to think he was so cool. His "cool" friend was a member of that family. They used to go to rock concerts, and I remember looking at them in envy that they got to go to a KISS concert, and I was not going, and I didn't know why. I didn't like rock music anyway, but I never felt special as they were. But my brother's friend wasn't so cool afterall, he was having sex with his sister. These were not good people, and we were going on camping trips together, hanging out together, brothers hanging out together, and on the outside I suppose it looked normal, but it never was. Seemingly normal, but diabolically evil is what we were, and I was part of that clan too. There was no escaping it for me. They could handle the smear campaigns of mother, who cared right? For people who lived like that, don't matter what mother said. She couldn't hurt them, they were like the broken dolls that mother got to play with, which were already broken. Mother was like a bad kid with toys, if they were broken, it was ok, there was nothing she could do to ruin them more. They didn't have any friends besides us either, we were it. <br />
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When you are soaked in this environment, and they are the only people that are your friends, you become them, even though, well, you know the evil they do, and you see it, but you don't see it. To you, this is all normal. Afterall, you want friends, and no one else will have anything to do with you.<br />
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It was easy to believe mother. You saw yelllow, she would say red and you just believed her. I accepted this crazy family as our friends, Smear campaigns galore, mother had nothing nice to say about them, especially their mother. They were dirty, sloppy, but what can you do? They lost their farm to backtaxes, I remember I was only about 10 and I didn't know what backtaxes were. They moved to the city, and we continued the friendship, and I don't remember how it all ended, but one day the friendship dried up, and never went there again. <br />
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So as children we believed what the NP said, for otherwise, well, there is no otherwise. But can we change that belief about ourselves. I am beginning to believe I can, just by doubting the bad thoughts about myself. Not fight them, but just say no to them, that they are not right. Let the bad thoughts happen, then curtail it with, a resounding, "no". <br />
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Then I asked myself this question. What would I do if I had all the money and resources in the world? In my country, a man can leave a woman poverty stricken, no problem, not the first time this would ever happen. So what would I be doing if I had everything I needed to live a good life without him? <br />
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I spent a whole day thinking about this. Let's suppose I had 5 billion dollars. All to my own that no one could ever take from me. What would I do about my problem with DH? <br />
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I wouldn't want to leave him. I wanted to stay with him. I never wanted to leave him. I want to stay by his side, be as loving and supportive as I possibly could be, and help him along with his career and life. Wow, and that came as a revelation to me. So I decided to try to make a plan. I wanted to be in such a place of assurance. The only reason I was putting up with crap from him, and others is because I felt worthless.<br />
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I wanted to figure out how I was going to start my life back, and here it is. Our church has a summer camp. I just asked them yesterday if I could help out, perhaps join in with the staff there, be it cooking, cleaning, whatever. They are desperate for help now, so I think I could talk my way in there. Well, everyone knows me there, and I got the guy's email, so I put it in my purse and left. <br />
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Here's the thing, I'm only worried about being around people all day. And if I can get paid, but it would be food and lodging, good enough, just the people thing. Yes, I know, I require a lot of private time, might be hard to find there. But to tell the truth, I've always been big about having an adventure too. It would only be for the summer, and I would have to find another adventure later. But it is a plan. And its first things first, in the fall, other things will come up, and in the meantime, I won't be homeless. I could go apply for housing, a small apartment in town, at very low rent. It takes months for that to come in, so I could apply right away, and in the meantime, work at the summer camp. Its a little unpredictable, a lot scary, a bit exciting all at the same time. If I have to be safe and secure all the time, that comes at a cost too, this is planet earth, I don't think anything will ever be too certain here. I kinda like the idea of taking chances. And if I end up on welfare in that tiny apartment, at least I can say I tried, and I didn't let MN's rule me. Rule me in my relationship, destroy my life, I stayed fighting, and it was an adventure. And then I could start on something else, a new plan, perhaps venture back into my career. One step at a time. But this thing about working at a summer camp is cool, its not a archaeology dig, not fun like that, but the relative uncertainty is all there, just the same. I would have the feeling that I am embarking on something new. <br />
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It wasn't a certainty yet, I wasn't going to go there yet, so I didn't ask for the job outright, I wanted to just see if work was available, and it was. So I gave myself a big hurray for that. Listen, when do we ACONs ever give ourselves credit for anything? I asked, and I got, and that is good stuff. I made myself feel good about myself for that. Its important, to recover something that is needed in our lives. I think normal people credit themselves, and praise themselves, we can too.<br />
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For so long I didn't know what I was up against. All it felt like was that the world was against me, and I couldn't cope. It felt awful. Now, armed with the knowledge of what I'm up against, malignant narcissism, and being a targeted source of supply, I can make things very different than they were for me in the past. The dynamics have got to change right? Will that be an adventure too? <br />
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As bold as I feel about all this, the truth of the matter is that I would be doing it right now, if that is what I wanted. Just like I realized. There is something that I want more than that. I do want my relationship to work. Only problem is, I don't know what I'm dealing with, with him. Is he a flying monkey? Is he a narcissist himself? Why do I have to struggle with this? I know it seemed all he did was wrong, but like I said, was I even expecting any better of him? I mean, I don't know, I really don't, and so since I got one problem off my back, this is what I will focus on. It comes as no surprise to me that I don't expect the best of people. I don't expect to be treated well, and I wouldn't know what to do with it if I was treated well. So its one thing at a time. I can recognize good people, I can recognize bad people, and I am about to tell you how I do this. And to me a very thoughtless email from the SIL,last summer, its like my mind went back in time, and its warning me that it is a very bad person. Its like that email read itself to me, "<i>hello, here I am, do you recognize me?</i>"<br />
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My problem was having a plan to resort to. That was beating me up so bad. Until I could even begin to figure out what was going on with him, I had to make sure that whatever I was doing wasn't because I was too afraid to leave, if need be. I had to have that put in place. Not a plan of certainty, but a plan. Like Anthony Robbins says, "if you want certainty, then go to jail." Kinda funny, but it is true, and my plan is as certain as it gets. I do have an education too, so if I can use that I will. But for now, this adventure does sound good. Armed with the knowledge of malignant narcissism, this will be new territory for me. Its not the same old path of feeling rejected all the time, its a new road.<br />
<br />
But let me put things in perspective. I want to see if DH is worth any more of my precious time I have allotted on this earth. I am tired of getting bullied over those emails, I will not be suffering like I did last summer over this. I have figured out that I am worth more than that. Just with being able to come up with a plan to take care of myself, I don't need, need him for that. But is funny how I got it all screwed up. I did ask the camp counselor, and that is a big thing. For me, to even reach out for my needs, is a big thing. This just is very hard for me. I don't ask for help, I just don't. <br />
<br />
So, as far as DH goes, I have to decide to choose to need him. That's it. Not need him like life and death, although I can choose that too. It has to be of my choosing, if given a choice, what would I do? Otherwise, I could make it on my own, if I want to do that too. The point is to choose, not a have to.<br />
<br />
As you might know I take part of a relationship group online. Funny, I didn't put any of that knowledge to good use, while I was exploring this. I kept running into more questions, and I couldn't figure it out. At home, we were not getting along. fighting started, even after my attempts at staying away from him. Fighting all the time, is confusing for me. I get tired, I start giving in. I don't think this is unusual for an ACON, when did we ever win? Fights would scare me, they still do. DH is bigger than I am, he is bigger and taller than either of my exes. This is scary territory for me. Lately, when he starts walking up to me, my first instinct is to run. He doesn't even understand this. When he talks and he's angry, its friggin scary. I don't know if he is doing it on purpose, there is lots I don't know. <br />
<br />
So much I don't know. I don't know if he is going to hurt me. I don't know if he is going there this summer. I don't know, what he's thinking. For me to even work with him, I needed my plan, then I can figure this out with a clear head. Not a needy state. Worried that I can't make it alone, stuff like that. So I got that covered.<br />
<br />
As I sought out advice from my relationship site, one thing became very clear to me. DH and I have stopped communicating. Things came down to insults, hateful things, which were really all about significance. He wanted significance, so did I, and he was not relenting on this matter. I couldn't figure out if he was a flying monkey or was he just trying to fight for himself and his rights. And the whole thing just became utter confusion for me.<br />
<br />
How to peel out of confusion? How to stop the confusion. If there is a way in 30 days or less to find out for sure, for sure, if he was one of the freaks there is only one way. And it is painful for me, and every ACON might disagree with me on this, I'll run that risk for now. I have got to know. I have got to know for myself, so that when I embark on a new adventure, I will be doing so knowing that I did all I could do here. I don't want to waste too much time on this. The clock is ticking. Life goes on, and I am determined to make the best life I possibly can.<br />
<br />
Want to know what I have to do that will save me a bunch of time? Well, before I talk about that, I just want to explain what human value is. It is something that we give, like money but worth so much more. The human value I have to give here is trust. I have to give him trust, and that means that I have to trust him, regardless of what is happening right now. For what is happening here right now, might be a result of something I did, I know not my fault, but I seem to fall into big messes, regularly, so time to switch things up. <br />
<br />
Did he take his SIL side over mine? He says he didn't, but this might just be an attempt to gaslight me. I don't know. I don't agree with him on the matter, that's for sure. The other night we had a huge fight over it, just like we had over the past few weeks. I decided at that point to never fight anymore about it. I am through fighting him on it. He believes and thinks what he wants to, and I don't want to run interference, or tell him how he is to behave around me. I'm just not going to do it anymore. <br />
<br />
Afterwards, when we both calmed down, he sat there, and watched him being upset. I just watched and observed. He said I was crazy again. He said that he didn't understand me, he doesn't get it, and I am making him feel bad. Then he took a few more breaths and then said it all over again. I just watched and listened. All this does is make him feel bad, this does nothing else. I can't convince him he is being disloyal, and he believes he is being loyal, and there is nothing else I can do. <br />
<br />
He had every opportunity available to show me that he is being disloyal, and all I see is someone who is scared, and trying to be brave, but scared, nonetheless. He is trying to hold his own position, maintain his dignity, and if dignity is all we accomplish from all this, it might be worth it, it might not.<br />
<br />
All I know is that there are certain members of his family that are toxic to me. That will continue to target me. Whether it is overt or covert, regular people don't see it. And I don't know what flying monkeys see. I know that families can sometimes be very weird, yet try to make appearances of being normal, but normal people keep away from. Flying monkeys and narcissists are one in the same, and maybe the monkeys are way more harmful, for they carry the power that the narcs can never carry, that is to carry on their secret and torment you with it. Simply put, flying monkeys give the narcs their power, and I have nothing to do with that. <br />
<br />
I can't ever change that. God has revealed these things to us in secret, and its like regular people could never know. Do we want to win? Do we want to fight back? Of course we do and its not wrong to feel this way, but I'll tell you this is an age old problem here, of biblical proportion. Do you really think you have the power to change it? And God said all these things are actually defeated, so what do we do in the meantime? I don't know. He's taken care of the problem, so just know these things are already defeated. I know it doesn't feel like it, but it is. So whenever a narc throws itself into a spiral, you can sit back and realize their day is coming, and that they are actually done.<br />
<br />
So I don't know what I'm saying here. Its very painful to live now, and I'm just waiting for it all to be over with. Not talking about killing myself, but I realize everything will be hard, and I can't do anything about it. Everything is unpredictable too. And that I hate. Don't I deserve some peace in my life? Jesus said I have His peace, he says that He is my portion, that really should be good enough. <br />
<br />
So I do have my relationship site. Lots of good stuff there. How to add value, and I'm doing it. I actually think I had never learned trust. It is intangible to me still, but not as foreign as I once thought. It wasn't what I thought it was. I know that I have to learn to trust an fallible human being that could hurt me. So what? Getting hurt, means I'm alive right? He could very well be that flying monkey, trust will smoke him out. You don't need to do much more than that, no games just straight out trust.<br />
<br />
So if trust is like an investment, then when you give it you could expect some kind of return on your investment. Maybe, or maybe not. It depends on what your banking on if it is worth the investment. Sometimes we think that someone needs to earn our trust, and that's very good, but thats a rather safe investment, and what I'm talking about will not be safe.<br />
<br />
So I read the stuff on whether he is a good man or not. He does treat the women in his family well. All women he is respectful of. He doesn't demean people. He doesn't go into pornography. He doesn't have a roaming eye. He doesn't get into trouble, goes to work. He is all of those things. Just this one thing, and its not so little. Look, I don't know what this loyalty thing is, I think I do, but what I do know is that I can have it if I inspire it. <br />
<br />
But here is what my perspective on ACON trust is. We trusted our parents, and even when they were doing everything they could to screw us over, we still trusted them. We gave up the right to keep a proper balance. Then after a long time, we stopped trusting, somewhere we decided that was a good thing, and its true, it was very valid and good, and served us very well at the time. But didn't help in relationships. In a way, I think I lied about being trusting, and I lied about that one so well, that I convinced myself I was trusting, but I wasn't trusting at all. I was waiting for him to do me wrong.<br />
<br />
I think I do trust, but do I really? Do I trust DH? Have I ever? Well, I'm learning a lot of what trust is, and what it isn't, now, I never knew it before. It is not being stupid. Allowing ourselves to be doormats for the other person, it is not that at all. It is a lot more involved. And there is a part 2 to trust. You are paying attention, not in auto pilot. For when you are seriously trusting someone, you have to understand and hear what he's saying. Its part of the trust bucket. If he feels like I don't listen to him, what good is trust for? It would be meaningless. <br />
<br />
Truth is, to allow ourselves to trust someone, we have to realize that no one on earth is 100% trustworthy. No one. No one is good. But do you give your trust anyway? And maybe this can be the adventure here to see how it works. Now, knowing full well that the other person could screw it up at any time, will be the defining factor. In dating, our ladies are needing to do this. 30 days of straight trust, and then you move on, if need be. There is no faster way to weed out the bad guys. Why waste time? <br />
<br />
Time is something I don't want to waste. I have wasted a whole lifetime, and I don't want to do that anymore. The more I run from DH, the more I'm yelling at him to smarten up, the more time I'm wasting. It is not getting me anywhere. I am not learning anything like this, he defenses are up, I have no way to get through.<br />
<br />
I've had it with fighting him, I want to see where he is at. I give him my trust. Its funny, trust was not what I thought it was. But as I read a posting on it then I went and sat back down, and thought about it, I made the decision. Then I would know. If he can't recognize the human value of trust, there will be nothing more for me to do. But I have to put my heart on the line, scary stuff? Of course. Is it not described in my relationship site that trusting him now will feel crippling? That it does. Does malignant narcissists hold him and keep him doing their bidding? Then there is nothing I can do to stop that, all I want is to know. Is it me and my own effed up upbringing? Put my value in, place my trust, and see where it goes. It won't be wasted, either way, I will have learned how to do this. To weed out bad people, I want to learn that too. Why were all my friendships only with narcissists? I want to know why too. <br />
<br />
But after reading of the invisible value of trust, and what it was all about, something funny happened. I went and sat down on the couch, and I made the decision, I will be adding this value. Whatever the cost to me, I might be in mental crutches afterwards, but it will be worth it, just to know, I want to see if this works. I read on all the tools of how to do this. It isn't easy regardless. <br />
<br />
So I sat down and made the decision. Along with that came a change in my demeanor. Nothing really, I was just sitting, then five minutes later he came and sat down next to me. We have not done this in years. We used to watch movies together, and I was wondering why we never do that anymore. I found him to be more annoying with each passing day. And I enjoyed my time away from him more than I did with him. But this time he came and sat down, it was something we haven't done in years.<br />
<br />
Then the next day he asked if I wanted to go with him to do his errands. I asked if we are going to be doing something fun, or go for coffee or lunch. He said, "Huh?" I repeated myself. He said, "It was a simple question, do you want to come?" I said no, I was having fun here, and I didn't need to go. And that was it. I used to always go on errands, and it was boring, I decided as part of building trust, I was going to be more authentic, I really didn't want to go. See? I'm trying to expect the best, not the worst from him. <br />
<br />
After he left I sat down to start writing this posting, and then it seemed like he was back too fast, he almost saw my writing, so I closed the computer down. He appeared annoyed, a little angry, I proceeded with my cheerfulness, and I wasn't going to let his mood bring me down. And I trusted that he could handle it. We have to disconnect from him in that way, its called not being co-dependent. His moods don't dictate how I feel. I am enough.<br />
<br />
After awhile, he was fine, and was getting ready to go to work, then I cooked dinner, and I burned it. You know, I, well, never got away with this with an ex, and he was going to work, he really needed dinner. We ate the burned food, and he said that I needed to turn the heat down. I told him that I had no experience with the barbecue, this was my first time this year, and I left the heat up too high. As he turned the meat over and it was seriously burnt he cut off a sufficient piece and proceeded to eat. I said I felt horrible about it, and he didn't answer that. Kind of, peaceful, not sure if this is rare in a guy or not, not what I grew up with. That I know.<br />
<br />
So I apologized, then proceeded to believe that I wouldn't get hurt. That I trusted him for. To find silly little things I wouldn't get hurt for? Well, its a start. Maybe this trust thing grows, and grows. I trust him on that, then I can trust him on other things.<br />
<br />
The point is to come from a good place. Not from a place of desperation, and I think I fixed that for myself. I could take care of myself if I had to, I am so sure of that now.This was all my doing, and I give myself credit for doing that much.<br />
<br />
Another thing about trust. You start by trusting yourself. Not with another person. I trusted myself to learn to expect the best from other people, and that is the start. I plan to get into that some more, that trust is all about yourself, and trusting yourself, and how you take care of yourself when you do get burned. All this about being enough, means is that you can cope regardless of what happens.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Joan Shttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07775873193806083833noreply@blogger.com29tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1486425189777141800.post-34145759002878452722016-05-22T05:28:00.000-07:002016-05-22T05:28:08.165-07:00A Post Abuse Cover-Up and Denial Tactic<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Think I'm just going to write this as it plays along. So right now, we have had not talks regarding SIL, and I have noticed that DH got an email about the finished garage from his other brother, not the husband of SIL, the other one, pooping his pants the day of the freakfest. And he got the email from his brother, so the pictures of the finished garage are up. <br />
<br />
Now, now, the freak is in a panic. She is no longer emailing DH, she can't be. She is getting her husband to send the emails to DH third party. I have hurt her feelings.<br />
<br />
Nah. You see what's happening here? This has now become triangulation. It is festering to the boiling point where all kinds of discriminatory things are going to be happening beneath the surface, at this point. Where DH will be frozen out by his brothers because of me. I am the culprit, I am to be blamed. She must not know I am awake and aware of the little game. They pay an awful price for grandiosity, don't they?<br />
<br />
Well, DH is sleeping off his nighshift, in a few minutes I'll be going into town. I have a feeling I am not to change my routine at this point, but continue with life, don't let fear ever take over your life.<br />
<br />
This has got me to thinking of my life as a target. The SIL is only one in a long list of MNs who have sought out to destroy me. I'm not even feeling sorry for DH. He's playing along. Shall I tell him what is really going on, so that he can think I've completely lost my mind? <br />
<br />
Its a strange reality we ACON's see. I'm betting, that DH will tell me that he wants us all to get along and be friends and make up and that we will fix this. Doesn't that sound wonderful? Isn't it great to live in a world of sunshine and rainbows like that? <br />
<br />
Here's the problem with that. I would be perfectly willing to accept everything as a complete misunderstanding. I would be. The only problem, it is not a human that we are talking about here. From my experience, the game goes on, till I am completely destroyed, and abolished, the MN will not rest till she gets what she wants. Then she will wipe her bum and move on. I don't have to tell DH that he has to make a choice, she is doing it for me. This is a heartless creature who is beyond contempt. And if DH would look, he would actually see that. She has committed assault, character assassination, robbery, you name it. All the sins in the book are right there if you see it. This could never happen with a normal person, never, it wouldn't happen, let me assure you. They can't, but an MN, this is what they live for. Somehow, this will be set up to fall on my shoulder's. The MN has started the wheels in motion, with the ignoring. From my experience of MN's this only means that they are going in for the kill, and I am a target. <br />
<br />
To be brutally honest here, I want to stand up and fight. I have never won with these terrible beasts, not once. Most of my life, well actually, all of my life I have not even known about it. Now I do. Something needs to be done. The deplorable state of the condition I'm in is that I am abusing her. Now she has to ignore me. So what is next? Well, pressure will be intensified for DH, and she is actually punishing him. She is punishing him. For not doing what he is being ordered, and that is to get rid of me. She is using tactics that go way below the belt, and she is able to make my yoo hoo into the gravest sin. This looks like I started it, and this is why I have to stand my ground, and not argue him down, or give way to anything he is saying to me right now. <br />
<br />
Please don't think this is just a loyalty issue I'm having with him. I have been a target all of my life, and I have never amounted to anything, and it was all due to an MN seeking out to destroy me. In fact, I can't remember a time I got to rest from these creatures, ever. Not one day I have not been a target. So this goes way beyond what I see in DH and his disloyalty. This is more than jealousy and rage on my part. This is a system in place that is set out to destroy me. She did get a little supply from me way back in the beginning, now she is steaming mad she can't get no more, so the only use for me is to bring me down. She is playing the poor wee little victim. <br />
<br />
Trust me, she has not given up. I have so much experience in how this all plays out, its disgusting. She has gone to war. I don't even care right now about DH's part in this. This is not an argument between me and his SIL. This is a battle to the death between me and a disgusting excuse for a human being. I am fully aware of what is going on here. <br />
<br />
Now, when DH wakes up, and he is fully restored to his sleep, I will be getting some answers from him. Now is the time for me to fight dirty. Use every weapon I possibly can, I will expose the freak for what it is. <br />
<br />
Now, I am going to be quiet and hear what he has to say. That will be my starting point. I will have to watch my fleas though. Or shifting back. I know I know how to use my words, I grew up in a house of hate, and I know how to talk the language. <br />
<br />
I'm sort of over the loyalty issue for now. I want to go after the MN. Last night I had a hard time falling asleep. There was a memory I had about an MN who came after me years ago. What happened, and what worked and fixed the situation was the police. That ended all onslaught of the repugnant creature. Basically, a neighbour was tormenting me, and the police was called (by the repugnant creature, no kidding). I had sent her a note to stop and leave me alone, and she called the police over that. The police came and intervened, I don't know what happened, but after talking to me the police went over there, and after some time left. They had never said boo to me after that, it was all done. The police had left me some bullying flyers. <br />
<br />
That was an odd thing to have had happen. So I had a hard time sleeping, and I woke up this morning with the revelation of calling the police. I can call this verbal assault. The problem, I know is that the laws in my country are shit. But I'm thinking, that maybe I can get the police to talk to her. Would they? That seems to scare the repugnant creatures. Or would the police intervene for me in this, or maybe they won't. I stand to lose a lot doing this. If that police officer is a repugnant creature too, I might set myself up for a major fall. Afterall, verbal assault is like a joke, anyone can stand up for themself, and I might get the lecture on that. <br />
<br />
But think about it. Is it my fault that this is a morally corrupt, repugnant being? Is it my problem this is a disgusting pile of goo? Is it my responsibility to deal with it? I don't think any MN is my problem, and I think the police should intervene, for the moral sanity of society. That's what I think. She is not my problem. No bully is your problem and if someone tells you that they are, well I think they are playing the game with the predator, don't you think?<br />
<br />
Even if we were to split up and go our separate way, DH and I, I will be hounded by MN's. This is the way for me. I am trying to come up with methods on fighting back. A police intervention is a powerful way to scare the crap out of these critters. It worked before, it can work again, as long as I can get the police to help. The police just might tell me to stay away, but I am caught so deeply in this, that I don't know how I can do that. <br />
<br />
DH still insists she is ok. This was an argument between two women. Except I don't go around arguing with people. I have seen him deal with my mother. I have seen him go after one of his friends who was out to get me. I know that somehow he thinks she has not done enough wrong, and that my yoo hoo was what got her started. When I brought up the verbal abuse argument, he pshawed that one. As it stands, I don't want anything to do with them, I want NC, and I don't want him going over there. This is where I have made a stand. God has taught me the proper way to argue over this. You can't rebuke a fool, so I took away all my notes and correspondence on MN's and put them away. I won't bring it up, and I won't talk to him about it anymore. Everything is going to change in the way I talk to him.<br />
<br />
Last night after he told me that she did nothing wrong, I told him what I wanted to do was call the police, then he just shewed it away, I closed down. He tried to get me to argue it with him, and I just stuck to my points. You don't rebuke a fool, stick to the facts. I stuck to my facts. And stayed with it. At some point he said the world is not so perfect, I have to give people a break, with was answered by my silence. <br />
<br />
Funny thing happened. I had to change the batteries on the tv remote and I got the darn things in backwards. When it wouldn't work, DH told me that maybe I put them in wrong. So I fixed that, and he was all puffed up, about telling me that since I think I'm so perfect and I did this wrong. Out loud, this was the first time I said something in a while, I said, "Putting batteries in wrong, is the same as a repugnant creature on the prowl. You are a boss at work, so I guess you might be right. Shall I discuss that with your boss? Tell him you have the moral compass of a screwdriver?"<br />
<br />
He didn't say anything after that. He fell asleep, When he gets off of nightshift for a day, he falls asleep whenever. God has taught me how to argue, and thank God it is never arguing. You don't ever rebuke a fool. Remove the idea out of your head that somehow you have the power to convince him of something. This is tiring. Just stand your ground, as long as you know you are right, its ok. Its giving him feedback. But don't ever do this if it is an equal argument about something. Only give him way, when he has the ability to be right. But stand up for your rights. I trust that anyone reading this will have the moral standards to understand what I'm saying. And if you are afraid of getting hit, don't do it, just leave. Don't risk that.<br />
<br />
So if I call the police and I manage to get them to talk to her, this will be worth gold. Absolute gold. I know from direct experience that this alone has the power to scare off any narcissist. Worked for me before, it can work again. But I'm not sure. The police officer can give the the lecture about having to deal with this on my own. But malignant narcissists are not my problem. This is a police matter. And I still don't know what she said during the assault. I truly don't. All I remember was the curses and swearing and the freaking. So I lose ground there. Somehow I think that swearing, and using the Lord's name in vain to me, is assaulting to me, for I find that even repugnant, for I don't swear, and I don't use the Lord's name in vain, and to have that hurled at me, is an attack. Can that be enough? If the police proceed to give me the lecture I will have the vacate the phonecall for it will play on my brain, and I will be up against the fog. That is, doubting what I experienced. The trick is to stay out of the deadlights, don't fall for it. And if that police officer is an MN, I will definitely be in for it. That is why I am writing this, in case I start to fall backward, I will have a written record of what is going on. Call the police, hope they intervene, that is a gamble, but it is worth it. <br />
<br />
It is worth it if the police don't try to get me into the fog. For that I will have to vacate the phonecall, maybe say the water is boiling over, or something is going on here, but I will have to vacate the phonecall, as quickly as possible. After saying my piece, don't do any more to try to convince them, you are in danger of the fog. Using any means necessary, but don't enter the fog. Don't get stuck in that. That is why I don't argue with DH, I have completely have to set my mind on this. <br />
<br />
Sometimes you are put in the position where you have to stand up and fight. Even just so to teach this morally repugnant creature, to leave others alone. In the case of rape, it is important to let the victim talk, and its important for her to report the crime, even for the reason of getting this person off the streets, to keep other people from getting raped by them. And such is the case here. She is in her forties, and I'm assuming a huge rap sheet here of crimes that went under the radar. Perhaps even murder. She is a nurse. This is scary. And I assure you this "argument" would not have happened to me and a normal person. A normal person might rage, but it would have been more tragic, she would have hurt herself doing that, and I would have seen more of a contrite heart after that. All I saw after SIL's rage was a good time relaxing and enjoying herself. I know I sound crazy, but please understand, this is not new territory for me. I have lost good jobs over this. I am in malignant narcissist sights. <br />
<br />
So I'm still thinking of calling the police. Sorry if this writing seems self serving, but I'm afraid of getting caught up in the fog, and I will have this to refer to. And it might help out others. I know having the police deal with this is the way, it will work. Heck, I might just go over there this summer and act like everything is normal. She will be scared of me. No more will I have to listen to her rampaging on, but perhaps it might still go on, this is all a risk. The police is a trump card I use, and maybe later when she has upped the ante on the smearing I will use it. It will always be available for me for she won't stop. This can't happen with a normal person.<br />
<br />
You know, I can't talk to DH about this, he is making it look like I'm the predator, he does not even see what is happening. He is not saying, get over it, he is saying that it was ok, and we must forgive and forget. So, so what if someone is telling me off? I keep my ground with him, and I find this tough. I have to constantly get away from his lousy moral compass. It is deplorable, and I can't stand how he thinks this is all ok. <br />
<br />
But listen to me, an MN is an MN, be it a family member, or a boss or anything. They are a soul destroyer and murderer, and no amount of moralizing it makes it right. When he tries to get into it with me, I just bring up that it is corrupt, and they are seeing it on his job. He will not see the big bonuses, and he will continue to see it shoved in his face that he is not worth his salt. The night he told me that he was not respected was a night of prayer for us, and God has answered that prayer. He does not see an answered prayer in the district of a narcissist.<br />
<br />
Whether you are a Christian or not, you must see that hungering and thirsting for righteousness is the way of life. Its what gives you balls. God is not going to turn you into something, to make you a slave, you have the ability to choose for yourself, what you see, and whether you do right or wrong. And to not be able to see right from wrong, therein lies the truth about yourself. <br />
<br />
<b>The Smear Campaign: And a Denial Tactic</b><br />
<br />
Hubby started a smear campaign against me. Here is what happened. First of all, I told hubby that I wanted to call the police on her. Why? he asked. I said for the verbal abuse, which I felt was out of line with the law. He said no, and he actually convinced me not to. Lots of reasons, won't go well in the family, I will be ostracized, things will tank. I also asked what he would do if I did. He didn't answer. Right now, I realized this would not be in my best interest to do it.<br />
<br />
One evening after coming home from my end of season sewing guild dinner, he told me that he called his brother. You know, the poopy one, the one who was pooping his drawers the night of the verbal abuse? That one. So, basically it was one snivelling weasel got together with another snivelling weasel and decided that nothing happened on the night in question. "She was only telling us where there were towels, and you had to pipe in with your comment, about being ignored" That was it. That was it? Somehow, at that same moment, I got a memory back of when she did slam me she made it very demeaning and made me look like a fool. I remember the attitude she cast. Then hubby told me that his brother called me crazy when I wanted to call the cops on her. I asked him, with as much as my vulnerability would allow me at the time, "You allowed your brother to call me crazy?" This guy wonders why he is sleeping alone? All went dead silent. Could he have known what he had done and allowed his brother to call me crazy? Did he realize that it was morally debased of him? He had stabbed me in the back.<br />
<br />
I can't get another word out of him about it. Just the other night he told me that he was working with his brother. They work together. I told him with as much vulnerability again, I believe in vulnerability in relationships, I don't want it otherwise, "I don't want to hear that man's name again, I can still feel the knife in my back." He came and sat down, didn't' say a word, just looked at me with a gaze that I rarely see in him, almost back to himself, but I won't get my hopes up yet.<br />
<br />
Do I have to live with a backstabber? You know, I have a sneaking suspicion that the "call the police" will get back to SIL freak, in fact I highly suspect it. I don't want this. She has already got her monkeys to label her blameless, and made me out to be the predator. She has began her silent treatment over the lack of email about the garage to hubby. This is all a covert tactic, don't think she is just backing down, no way. This predator freak is still going to try to destroy me. <br />
<br />
What will she do with the news of me calling the cops? Not sure. I am trying to remember when a narcissist got caught and what they did to us. Most of the time, they vacated. Right? Is that what happens? Mother would do it, friends would do it. Narcissists don't like to be confronted on their crap. With me basically shoving her nose in it, I don't know what she is going to do. Despite what is going on with hubby I so want to fight.<br />
<br />
So the very next day after his phonecall to his brother and the smear campaign and denial tactic, his brother showed up here. Hubby was already outside, doing some things, and now I wonder was this all arranged? Were they going to confront me? So I sat in the house with the most powerful weapon I have ever encountered. The bible. I don't remember what I was reading, but somewhere in James. Reading and praying, I stayed that way until the brother left and hubby came inside.<br />
<br />
I sat curious and quiet for the longest time. Then I asked him, "I was worried about how the smear campaign in going against me, I know your brother was here." <br />
<br />
He just stood there and said, "We talked nothing of you, this problem is between us, and between us its going to stay."<br />
<br />
I forgot to mention that while his brother was here I was dying to go outside and ask his brother if he called me crazy. Ohhh, I was dying to, this is not something I am afraid of. In my FOO confrontation was well taught. But I don't want to have to defend myself. Why should I? What is the point of that? This is his family, it is up to him to stand up for me, and take care of me, and I don't want it any other way. If I have to teach everyone, I would rather divorce him. Really I would, I am tired of being the one who wears the pants in the family, ain't going to happen again, nosireeee.<br />
<br />
Let's understand something here. We are both being targeted here. If I am being targeted, he is being targeted. He has got to realize that or I'm gone. I was thinking of all this while his poopy pants brother was here. Nope, not going to defend myself, I have a husband to do that for me. Right? Biblically, I am doing my part. And I don't even care of they come at me guns ablazing, don't care. Unless it all gets me into serious, and I do mean serious hot water, I don't care. They are just monkeys, almost an illusion really. To me. Right now.<br />
<br />
So he said they never talked of me, but I am sure his brother came here to dig up some more dirt. And hubby claims nothing was said about me, so therefore his brother came here for nothing. I believe what happened was that, yeah, his brother wanted more dirt, and hubby wasn't giving it. See how monkeys work? I will see if hubby chooses to be faithful and loyal and loving to me. I don't need to demand it. Either I have it or I don't, plain and simple.<br />
<br />
I also told hubby, that I wanted to enter his email and email everyone concerned and that I am being smeared against but I am the one who is right, starting with those emails he got last summer. I am happy to get the validation over what happened last summer, I'm starting to. Its happening, I think. <br />
<br />
I told him I wanted to, but I really don't care what they think of me. None of them. They can think I'm the poop on the doorstep, don't care that much. Your family can go ahead and hate me for attacking your poor SIL, they can, don't care, I only care about what you think and feel towards me. That's all that matters, thats all I care about. He looked at me. At this point he is back to work now, so slo mo regarding anymore progress, so I will have to wait and see. <br />
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<br />Joan Shttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07775873193806083833noreply@blogger.com49tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1486425189777141800.post-73510837026961882992016-05-14T17:00:00.000-07:002016-05-14T17:00:10.551-07:00Listen to What They Say<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />
<br />
Maybe everyone knows this, but I learned something quite valuable that I would like to share. This might help you, save your life, but I implore every ACON to see this writing. Listen to me, its the best stuff. Probably the best I ever wrote. I'm going to try to keep it short, just to get it read. <br />
<br />
I started seeing mother in a whole new way. I can also say she was a full blown narc, with just one thing going on with her. She was evil and really, there was not much of anything else. She was always spilling her projections. I don't think a narc wants to do this, but they can't help it, maybe its God's way of helping us. <br />
<br />
I have a revelation. These critters are not like the rest of us in that they are always having to cover themselves. Every once in a while a little truth will come out of their mouth. I often heard mother say that people are scared of me. Why? Because I speak my mind. She told me that people are afraid of me.<br />
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Not to get too much into the issue of what happened when we went to help brother and SIL, I mean in regards to DH and the trouble we have right now. He is still working for a day, and I'll be in the city on Monday, so I don't know what is going to happen with us. But I have to write before I lose this valuable piece of information on narcs. Things I remember, what mother said, stuff regarding SIL. <br />
<br />
This will give me the chance to examine mother more and other narcs I will come in contact with. To start with, what I noticed was that as SIL was throwing the fit she was heading out the door, and in that respect was getting the last word in without giving me a chance to say anything about that. She is a coward. All I can remember seeing then was the brothers scampering like cockroaches, and I have this distinct memory in my mind of the other brother (not DH) looking at me but not looking at me. I've seen this before, I have a memory of seeing that before. Another time, another place.<br />
<br />
I also remember she was not bossing me around about my shower. At the time I felt left out, now I think back on it, perhaps she knew what I knew and she was trying to stay out of my way. And I also think my YOO HOO was so nothing, and for her to throw a fit, she must have been ready to blow and her losing it, was not losing it, she had already lost it and was trying to contain it and it just spilled over. <br />
<br />
But I also remember something else of that evening. Just before the attack on me, she was showing me in the kitchen where the coffee was and stuff, and then said, 'You'll have to look for what you need, if you expect to find it." Like sugar and stuff. Doesn't that seem a little rude? I mean, how do you expect to find things if you don't look, this statement is implying that I'm stupid. When she said that, I was bolted to reality and felt it in my body that she was trying to insult me. <br />
<br />
I've often "felt" around narcs. There are so many people that are pleasing to be around, and there are some people you just want to get away from. But its always a feeling you have, and you can't describe it, you just don't like them or you do. But I can't help but remember mother's projection about "they are afraid of you." When I was young, I would often run to mother when someone was insulting me, or hurting me. That was always mother's response. She would not cuddle me and tell me everything was ok, she would tell me that. <br />
<br />
I know the, "You'll have to look for what you need, if you expect to find it," seems like a stretch, but I felt in my body, the tingles the second she said it. Like I felt all my life around narcs. I don't feel that way around nice, normal people, not ever, no matter what they say.<br />
<br />
SIL, also was so busy herding people around that weekend, and I felt horrible about it, don't know how the guys felt about it, but it looked downright degrading. But she was not doing it to me. Why? Have you wondered that from my last posting? It just dawned on me tonight, that she was not daring to try it with me. She was trying to avoid her blow out. And when I made the tiny remark yoo hoo, this was just exploding something that was already ready to blow, she was just trying to hold it in.<br />
<br />
Wow. I remember mother's rages would come from nowhere. We wouldn't know what to say, anything can set them off. It doesn't matter. But you'd be blamed for it. You've questioned a God. You tried to usurp their position. Here she had total control of everything. She was working during the day, and probably couldn't wait to get home to boss everyone. You'd think she would want to relax, no, these creatures are all about control. I saw grown men like little boys, I'm surprised they weren't running around in their undies ready for momma to give them a bath. I have memories of my children in their bed clothes ready for bath and bed, and it sure was the same thing I saw all weekend. INCLUDING MY OWN DH. Ugh.<br />
<br />
But she would not come near me, she would rather insult me like she did in the kitchen about the "If you expect to find something, you'll have to look for it." This was an attempt to make me feel stupid. I remember how mother worked. Whatever she said, it was calculated that you will walk away feeling badly about yourself. You are supposed to feel horrible, and downgraded, and stupid. <br />
<br />
Since I had been in prayer the whole time, I could feel it in my heart that God was telling me to stay alert and listen. Don't go into autopilot, but pay attention. Listen. What she said was calculated for me to walk away feeling stupid. For the statement was quite innoculous, and could go unnoticed. It was said a little snarly, and I was able to pick up on that in full alert mode. If I'd been not alert, and it just went through me, I would have felt stupid without knowing why. <br />
<br />
But, the question remains, if she was so afraid of me, why would she attempt to do this? Well, I think its because there were no risks. That statement wouldn't hold her accountable in a court of law. It goes under the radar. It was risk free, so why not? <br />
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Remember me telling you that I felt bad about myself the whole time I was there? I generally always feel that way, but there especially I did. I can't help but want to explore that some more. If I get any answers I'll tell you.<br />
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<br />Joan Shttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07775873193806083833noreply@blogger.com21tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1486425189777141800.post-80532122165775460442016-05-12T19:14:00.000-07:002016-05-12T19:14:16.883-07:00Feelings and Thoughts<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />
<br />
I never realized there are people out there who don't feel empty all the time. But there is, for some this is just a once in a while feeling. I am trying to live just a simple life here. My oldest daughter and I are not getting along, my husband's daughter thinks I'm spending all his money, the SIL showing her boobs to husband. All I want is trouble with getting a quick bread to rise. <br />
<br />
And that is not even the big problems I'm having. Its this dead feeling inside. I feel dirty for not having that fine extended family. And I know love has to come from inside me, I have got to be a whole person, regardless of any of my circumstances. You can't even face a loved one's disloyalty without first having the backbone, to, go into that feeling of frustration, fear, panic, loneliness, then when you are ok with all that, you can go into that feeling of hurt. Without doing all that, you will have these feelings linger, and linger, till you are taking so many pills to cope with just waking up in the morning. This is just the realities of life, and no one gets away without it. <br />
<br />
I wonder what life would have been like if Adam and Eve would have just behaved and listened to God in the first place. We are not even supposed to have the pain of childbearing before the fall of man, pain was not something in the original design. Now, there are all these coping procedures, even positive thinking. You know, that is just thinking don't you? Thinking can't counteract the actual physical issues you have with deep emotional pain. And emotional pain is physical, it hurts, those feelings in my stomach are real, and I don't like it.<br />
<br />
How did I end up with the mother I got? Why did she do what she did? For no reason. I've asked God that question so much, that its hurts. So why did Adam and Eve disobey? Life was not meant to be lived in after the fall, it is all coping now, I think I have found some good ways to cope, but it all comes down to struggling even at the best of times.<br />
<br />
And even DH, he doesn't even understand why his behaviour doesn't hurt me. He is on his long work run now, and I'm sure he is not even thinking about this. He can go all empty and free, I can't. I made this chocolate quick bread to pack in his lunch, he is eating the food I'm giving him, so he must trust that I'm not that bad to poison him. That's what this pain is, I feel all dirty, that I am capable of anything. Having good standards and integrity, I do have these, but at the same time I feel like I'm not good, and that no one wants me, not even him. A free boob show from his SIL is worth more than I am to him. I really feel that way. He went to bed after her freakfest, and went and finished the garage for his brother. Am I not worth anything to him? Her feelings are worth more? <br />
<br />
I know I probably shouldn't be taking care of him, and feeding him, but I'm a little meticulous that way and I would feel way worse if I didn't. I like to make sure things are done, and that is one of my biggest problems. I should be sitting here with uncombed hair, crying all the time, but I can't, it is not me. I used to try that and I found that it made me go even more depressed. But maybe that is what I should be doing.<br />
<br />
I have to wait till the end of the weekend so I can talk to him about this. It looks like I'm doing well, but we are sleeping in separate beds now, because of this, and I know this is sending alarm bells going off in his head. But not too much, I know he has got to concentrate on work and that is just the way it is. He job requires focus on that, its ok. I certainly can understand that. But he has been having problems at work too, and now I think I know why.<br />
<br />
He did not get the big bonus at work like he should have, like the other bosses did. His was the smallest. He doesn't get the respect he feels he deserves, since he does so much at work, it should be noticed that he is very dependable. I did pray about this, and maybe I got the answer. It is his lack of principles. I don't know, but somewhere down the line, something is broken with him, He can't show loyalty to his wife, that has got to trickle down into the rest of his life, this is a fact of life, and he can't ignore it anymore. <br />
<br />
Even though I was the one in need from the beginning, he is the one with serious issues. Now I know that loving the malignant narcissist seems to be the way of life, and people seem to go far with it, but sometimes, does it really? Or does he not love the malignant narcissist, he is just pretending so he can keep some kind of fake peace,and he is just going against what he thinks and feels. And this is affecting so much so that it is causing him problems in his life.<br />
<br />
I told him this tonight. That he can't just do his job and be dependable, there is this thing of value, called standards, and if you don't have them then, lots of failure to you. I don't know I'm just thinking about this. Not to say that everyone who has failed in life is because of lacking standards, my gosh, we ACON's know better than this. But in another way, can it be though? Because he is not living according to his standards, he is seen as being just a butt kisser. And they don't care, he'll just do what he's told and that is only being fake. Maybe they don't trust him because of it.<br />
<br />
So my relationship site people, well, we go on on how we can influence men. Make him a better man, respond to his crudeness, respond when he treats us badly. This is giving high value right there. This will help him be a better man. I take a great deal of comfort from those words, for I felt this whole thing was very overwhelming for me, and I needed to see something good that I can do. <br />
<br />
He might be seen as wishy washy by his superiors, for he does not live by his standards. He blocks them out. I guess they never served him in the past, so he chose to let it go, but right now it is not serving him to not live by his standards. I don't know, these are just my thoughts. And the only way I can help is by letting him know on no uncertain terms that I am not putting up with his BS.<br />
<br />
But I am having to suffer for it. He has led a very successful life other than this, he has done quite well. It seems strange that little ole me, is teaching him how to live, that is one big irony right there. Suffer, suffer, is that all an ACON is good for? <br />
<br />
I think I have to have faith. That maybe God is helping us, and sometimes it doesn't seem like He is. I know the Christian church nowadays, everything is supposed to be all pie in the sky, everything is perfect and wonderful, and you pray for your miracle which is sure to happen. Nowadays, I'm being careful of what I pray for, lol, not sure if I want it bad enough. lol<br />
<br />
But the more I think of it, if he doesn't raise his standards, his life is due to fall. But I know he has standards, for I think if he didn't he would be doing well. He is just blocking them and this is making him look weak. Otherwise he would look strong. I don't think regular people can tell if someone has standards or not, but they can tell if someone is strong or not, and he appears weak. I hope I'm making sense. <br />
<br />
But I noticed the neighbours have been letting their friends drive on the lawn here. And DH doesn't say anything. I want to but I can't seem to catch them when they are still. But before that, I did say something to the neighbour once about too many dogs running loose, I'm a little afraid of big dogs, unless I see the owner right there. The neighbour just shot this look at me, and I asked him why is he looking at me like that. I don't care, these days I say what I want. I mean, we are the scapegoated children of evil parents, we were the family whistleblowers, I think its highly authentic. <br />
<br />
You know, the neighbour still looks at me funny. Not sure why that is, I don't know anything about them, so any PD will have to remain to be seen. But DH talks to them all the time, gives them much lurve, tells them they are perfect neighbours, and DH tells me something else. Then I confront him on this, and he turns away. <br />
<br />
He says, "Oh, you just like to bitch at people." And I say, "Yeah, and?"<br />
<br />
You know it wasn't always like this. He was very good and supportive and loving. Until that particular day last summer when I supposedly "been gunning for his SIL".<br />
<br />
But I am the scapegoat, the family whistleblower, and that authenticity really has no tolerance for BS. DH thinks I act all high and mighty. Ok, I know I am a sinner, and I need God's grace just as much as anyone, but that doesn't mean that I need to let myself to allow the standards of my life be gone, or let other people screw with me.<br />
<br />
But this is just terrible times I'm going through. I feel pain, I feel lost. I had no mommy who would tell me that everything will be alright no matter what. <br />
<br />
So lets just get back to that dirty feeling. How is DH even supposed to trust me with anything I may do or say. He has led the rather successful life, and me, no, not until him, and I would not even be able to afford the computer or internet on my own. This is all due to him, and here I am trashing him, <i>Omg, I feel so dirty.</i> And I feel like such a big loser. And here I am teaching him how he can do better. <br />
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Am I enough? This one is a constant struggle. But that is the first thing you got to do, is build up those emotional resources, you are enough. Even if that means going into all those bad feelings I want to avoid, it needs to be done. <br />
<br />
In relationship things will always be a challenge. Marriage is one thing, even married, I don't feel like I got the level of commitment required to sustain us, this is a horrible fact. This is a heart thing, a value thing, as loyalty is a value thing, its a heart thing. To see his SIL do that to me, then just ignore it. I'm sure at some level it did bother him, for he left the room, maybe scared but at the same time so that he could escape his own feelings of stupidity. Sleep is a good escape. So maybe he has blocked his standards and lives a very mediocre life now. <br />
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Then there is the thing about him being on autopilot. Our lives can just go by and we just sit there. So many people do it, and I do it, and I have to snap out of it sometimes, but it does want to take over. Its easier. I mean, on autopilot I can eat a whole bag of chips without thinking its terrible. I've seen the bottom of the bag and wonder how did that happen. I'm sure this is one thing we've all done, time and again, unfortunately, and I think if we do it too much it means we are brainwashed. We are stuck in some other realm for to have to think, means that you can't be brainwashed, plain and simple. I'm so glad I got to write tonight, so many thoughts, its better than to just sit here alone and mope. But maybe that is what I should be doing.<br />
<br />
One dreadful thought I have is that maybe I'm the one taking him down with me, I always felt destined to fail. Like I always have, and in some way I am destroying him. Just a thought, not fishing, but a lot of thoughts to just sit with me, I'm glad to be writing. Joan Shttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07775873193806083833noreply@blogger.com19tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1486425189777141800.post-57178234393121002732016-05-09T18:13:00.000-07:002016-05-09T18:13:10.208-07:00It Was An Act<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<iframe width="320" height="266" class="YOUTUBE-iframe-video" data-thumbnail-src="https://i.ytimg.com/vi/6SLZFHf_X50/0.jpg" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/6SLZFHf_X50?feature=player_embedded" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe><iframe width="320" height="266" class="YOUTUBE-iframe-video" data-thumbnail-src="https://i.ytimg.com/vi/bpjBfYnuBQU/0.jpg" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/bpjBfYnuBQU?feature=player_embedded" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe></div>
Two videos of the same song. I couldn't listen to it on here, the thing won't let me, to make sure its right, I put them both up. If you want to listen to one of them, its very good. <br />
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I totally get that no contact is a very good rule. I've done it with my own FOO, telling them to get lost even. But the difficulties of life can present another problem and I've been researching like crazy to try to solve the problem. What if you have to be in contact with narcs? But I keep reading that there is no such thing as "have to". But I'll tell you my story here and I'm hoping that by writing it, I will get some idea of how to handle it.<br />
<br />
I hope you were with me last summer when I posted over and over again about the nasty SIL of DH's. One is up in my popular posts section called, "Its so screwed up." You can start there and just work backward. There was discord over me being left out over a situation regarding a trip to visit the brother and his wife, or freak, or whatever you want to call it. Well, another email, inviting DH from nasty to come and help build a garage with the brother. Yes, she is the one who showed him her boobs.<br />
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We've been down to one vehicle lately and one is in the shop. Our shop btw, for DH is his own mechanic. It saves us money, but takes a very long time. But it was ok. It was all working out, no big deal. Until now. And when he got the email, I became completely authentic with my feelings of being left alone here with no vehicle. Since I was in my feelings, my pitch went rather screechy and he said, "Well, you can come along with me then." I had no other choice but to go. This was terrible and I knew what I was in store for and I was not disappointed in that regard.<br />
<br />
The pain shot through me. Just before we went, I was commenting on other blogs, and I'm afraid I was very melancholy. But it was ok, and I didn't want to tell anyone what was going on, for I feared I've beated that horse too many times last summer. Basically, last summer she sent DH an email inviting him to go, with them, on a camping trip. The email could have been implied that I was to go too. I posted the email too many times last summer in my blog. It hurt my feelings, and I was freaked out by it.<br />
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But I've learned a lot since last summer. I got into my prayer closet. So I went with him. I went taking all my quilting with me. I had 2 days of straight sewing with me. Fortunately, SIL, had to work all weekend. But in this email it was realized that I was not going on the trip for it was to build a garage it was not a holiday. But I had to go with him. <br />
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So we went. The trip is 4 hours away straight up north. It was back to winter clothes for the weekend, which I didn't bring. I did not know it would be that cold in May. But it was terribly cold and I had only one set of clothes to wear that were warm enough. But it was ok, I mean that wasn't the problem. <br />
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Its hard to talk about. The words are pummelling in my head and I'm having a hard time getting it out. So I learned a lot from last summer. And in my prayer state I felt that it was no big deal, just sit there and quilt all day. This I didn't mind to do at all. But the SIL was there only a few hours in the evening when the guys came in, I did not think for a second that she would get a dig at me, but she surely did. <br />
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And it made me feel like I was the bad guy here. That I'm just a sulking kid who did not get my way. That is what is making this thing so terribly hard. I was completely in my relaxed authentic full self, and I had not felt emotionally needy. I was doing great, God was leading me, I was sure I could do this, no problem. And I did do what I had to do, I stood my ground, I was firm about boundaries and what not? Want to know what happened that is making me feel so completely stupid?<br />
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She started telling DH that he could go for a shower. He said, "later". But she kept after him and said she needed him to do it now, for she was wanting to start the laundry. He said, "ok" and he went for his shower. I sat there dumbfounded. I know he was doing some work and probably needed the shower but I was completely ignored. And I was a guest in their home too. So I didn't know if I was to say anything, but I felt like shit. Then she went after the other brother for his shower too, and proceeded to do the laundry. But these guys worked all day, and I felt like I didn't need a shower and I didn't take one. It was ok, maybe I was just imagining being ignored. Afterall, I didn't go on their camping trip last summer, even after it was "implied" that I was invited. <br />
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Then the next night she did the same thing. She ushered all the guys for their shower, naming each by names. Both brothers were there along with the brother that lived there. At that point, I said, "Yoo, hoo, I'm here too, don't forget me," This came flying out of my mouth and I can't understand it. She got angry. She said, "Oh, no one is leaving you out, Joan. You want a goddam shower, go take a goddame shower." I said it felt like I was being left out. Then what came out of her mouth next would probably burn the computer up, it was so terrible. Hurled a bunch of insults and screaming. I just sat there. Actually, I wasn't really listening to what she said, it was a freak fit. She seemed to get offended by the yoo hoo part. Or something. No I'm just kidding. <br />
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All of a sudden I can remember what mother used to say when someone was throwing a fit. narc or not mother used to say that was just an act they were putting on, or they are just doing that. This is a projection. When mother used to throw fits, this is what was happening it was all a big act. <br />
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I knew the SIL was putting on a show for everyone who would listen, as I was not listening to her, really I wasn't, I was just aware there was a freak fest going on. I saw the brothers scramble to leave the room, DH announced that he was going to bed, and I saw another brother, head to the kitchen for a drink to escape the freakshow that lasted for way too long. And she didn't face me while doing it, she started to head outside during it, then went outside and shut the door and I could here here screaming and making accusations outside.<br />
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Wow, thanks mother, I think, for that fine bit of knowledge. Mother used to freak out all the time, and this is not my first dance with a narc, and actually this SIL is pretty tame in comparison. I just shrugged my shoulders and went on with my evening of quilting. I felt better actually. After awhile her husband approached me and talked to me for awhile about what I was making. He looked tense, and I was just wanting to get to a good place in my quilting to stop for the night. He talked about the quilting and that was it. Then went and sat back down. The other brother was sitting on the couch too, with a freaked out look on his face. Eyes wide, ready to run. And I was completely ok about the whole matter, but it worried me that the men felt alarmed, but I was fine. DH was sleeping, I think. <br />
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Not too long after that, I went to iron a few pieces. These pieces were getting too hard to iron, the pressing was difficult and I found myself procrastinating on them all day, and there were 48. But after the freakshow, as I started to iron, I realized that it was very easy to do. During the day, I had to stop for my shoulders would be aching. But this time I powered through the rest of them. And there was more than half left. Was that seratonin? Was I stressed over the weekend of being ignored like this that the tension got to me? And now this thing relieved the stress?<br />
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I started to ask myself if I was enjoying this. If I want to be the good guy here and didn't want to recompense evil for evil, why was I in a happy state of mind? The "yoo hoo," was probably very inappropriate of me, for I knew I could have handled the situation much better. It is a matter of opinion if I was inappropriate. I even prayed about this when I went to bed and I asked for God to help me understand. Suddenly I felt it in my heart that whether it was right or wrong, I did the best I could. I didn't get it right. But it wasn't confrontational, it was kinda in the middle. This is so hard. I was faced with difficult circumstances and I did the best that I could. I did the my best to not be passive aggressive, and it was all I could muster.<br />
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But at the end of it all, let's just switch a normal person with SIL. Would a normal person have acted that way? Even about the shower thing, since I was a guest in their home. How would a normal person be in the same situation? Would she have included me too? Since she was naming off names, and that I felt was a bit of a covert tactic, one that was designed to set me off but escape the others notice. And I always felt she was a narc, even way back in the beginning, when we first went to go visit them. Did this time, the mask came off? Was I going to look like the good guy now? In my prayers that night it came into my heart that I am not to count on that.<br />
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Ok. So the next night after her job was done, it was our last night stay there. I was in the house doing my sewing, and she stayed outside after work, and I was wondering why she was not coming in. I was alone in her house, and I felt uncomfortable. I saw though the window that she was standing outside waiting for the guys to come in. Wow, ever weird, here she had the perfect opportunity to go at me alone and she did not even take it. Something was going on. I went outside, in the clothes I wore for 3 days and never even a shower even. I walked up to her and said "hi", and she said hi, then she went inside. I was going to follow her inside, and I did not know, but I felt I was stalking her, so I stayed outside till the guys went in. It was weird. We all had dinner leftovers, and I proceeded to walk to the couch beside her with the laptop. I sat down and went into Anna V's site and immediately I went and read the part of "disproportionate responses of narcs". I just happened upon it. So I started to read. This is all an act. It was confirmed for me right there in Anna's articles, for I remember the SIL being fine and talking to everyone, but me, right after the hurling insults. It was like she had taken a good shit, and now she felt better.<br />
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I'm from the family that like to "tell you off". It feels good and relieves that pressure. That's what I was told by my FOO anyway. But, and here is the crazy part, is that you don't have any right to tell anyone off. But they do, and somehow they have formed it in their mind that it is ok. <br />
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You know, I've been in constant prayer this whole time, and my body is screaming at me that my "yoo hoo" shouldn't have created such a stir. For a normal person, it would have only shaken them out of their thoughtlessness, and they would have realized and felt terrible about leaving me out. <br />
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Another thing was confusing me, is that she offered me dinner and coffee a few times when necessary, and didn't leave me out of that. But, listen, narcs do that. The evil cannot exist on its own, it must have to exist with the good. That is the only way it can survive. I know this is the only way we will survive being slaughtered. We must get it out of our heads that all they do is be mean. <br />
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So all the guys are ok with what she did. Even DH, and he even told me that "no, she did not need to hold your hand to have a shower." That was apparently one of the insults she hurled at me, that I was not listening to. Such an insulting thing to say to me. Can you imagine? But DH has come a very long way from when I first knew him, but he does not believe in judging people and he gives everyone the benefit of the doubt. But he did manage to take hold of a neighbour that was being greedy with him, after I had told him about it. After I spent 2 years going on about the man. It came as no surprise in the end that the man using him to do the snowplowing was not paying him at all. That one was a rather serious problem in my life, and I wrote about it one time in an article I wrote called, An Evil Narcissist. Well, that guy is gone from our lives. Do I expect him to get rid of his brother the same way to get rid of the SIL? No, I don't. To tell the truth, authentically I just want the problem to go away. I want him to acknowledge the fact that I wasn't complaining for she was not wanting to "hold my hand for a shower." You know, she might not be that covert, but all this goes way over people's heads. Or that my feelings got hurt, its no big deal Joan, get over it. I mean its disgusting. And I feel like I'm the bad guy too, how everything panned out. I am not making this up, I am not the type of person that goes around stirring up trouble, I have very good associations with people.<br />
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So I prayed to God about the camping trip in a few months, and I wonder what shit she will stir up. But God only told me, "strength he will give me in season." And this is hard to accept when something bad is about to happen. I'm sure of it. <br />
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Overall, I think I handled everything very well. My "yoo hoo" might not have gone over very well with the guys, and DH is rationalizing everything to a T. It makes sense that she got "pissed off", but I'm sure that is not the way he would have been if he was her. But he has completely put that out of his mind. So this makes everything very hard, but I strengthened my boundaries in the whole mess, I did stick up for myself but everyone seems to want to take away my right to do that. It looks like she is the one with all the rights, and I was not letting her have me for supply. <br />
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My connection to narcs in my world has been very good as of late. But she is one that was there in the beginning, just at the beginning of my awakening, so she got a little snack and she is trying for more. But she is not going to get anymore, I am making darn sure of it. I was not affected at all the by freak fit. I was just wondering why it startled everyone else. But then I realized that they don't know, and they think she is pissed off for real.<br />
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But I felt really good till I learned that DH was making her behaviour ok with him. Then I started to feel all dead again. I looked like the bad guy. On top of that, I feel like I've lost my emotional resources and now am now fighting to get them back. I feel that my personality sucks and that was evident in the way the other guys treated me. I'm rather dramatic at times, but not all the time, this is just one of my parts, and this is starting to bother me. But as I have learning that parts of you that you are unwilling to express or be, these are the parts that must be expressed, for you can't be whole otherwise. I am ashamed of my personality at times, but I mustn't be, for this takes away my value as a person, and I mustn't ever try to suppress or hide any my parts. But its hard, you know, given such an environment I was in. So what happened is that she was unable to tear me down, so she got her minions to do it for her. This sucks. So this is something I have to build up again. It is definitely a challenge, this being enough. But it is true, whether I feel like it or not, I am enough. <br />
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And DH and I haven't even fought in many months. I talk to him openly, I don't hold anything in, and he has gotten used to my expressive self. But not anymore. We fought about it now. I was worried that we never fought for a long time, so now we are, so its ok really, got to be my authentic self. I'm not going to try to hide my feelings about this, it will just make it worse. I just want him to acknowledge my feelings here, and he isn't. I know I wasn't perfect, I don't need to apologize for what I did, so, I guess some people just want to go with the flow. Joan Shttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07775873193806083833noreply@blogger.com60tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1486425189777141800.post-13756130133284224272016-04-26T18:15:00.001-07:002016-04-26T18:15:12.138-07:00The Challege of Being Enough<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I know its been a long time since I've posted anything, and its like I get caught up in things that are very difficult for me to navigate. I should blog, but the reading of that won't be so pleasant, I want to bring value. I've been feeling this and that, and a big argument with my oldest daughter caused her to block me on facebook. We don't agree on things, we never did, she never respected me and even now, she tells me that I was a non-existent parent and still am. She said she had to learn many things on her own when she was growing up, and it was like I wasn't there. But now, she seems to always want me to help, and I of course have my limitations. As I try to work through my limitations, life doesn't allow me time to process, and then things get screwed up. Things happen too fast and I'm left trying to figure things out.<br />
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One thing I did was open my bible and started reading and started praying, then some kind of revelation came over me, and I am now ready to write and share. Please, whatever you do, make whatever limitations you do have, make it all ok. Even if you are struggling trying to choose what cereal to buy, just go to another part of the store and do all the easy shopping, and when you are ready go make the ones that require choice. Give yourself that peace of knowing that when you are picking out the simpler items, that when you get to the cereal boxes, you'll be alright in doing so. <br />
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So, no matter what limitations, just make it all ok. When you judge yourself, you have all this calamity to deal with. I mean, it just doesn't go anywhere. Self-care becomes difficult. Getting out of bed becomes difficult, and I even let the woodstove go out a couple of times this week. I was not attentive, it was like I was stuck in the past, to the way it was. And as ACON's we need our attentiveness, even to battle the human predators out there. Its like this fog comes over, and we become helpless to stop it.<br />
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All my children are able to hold down employment, and this is something I am very proud of. So I give them kudos, and to my oldest daughter, well, she thinks I live a very perfect and privileged life. But such is not the case. I have very serious issues, with my relationship even. Its like I'm still not used to him. He has lived a different kind of life from me. I'm scared if he finds out too much. But still vulnerability is a cornerstone in relationships, I know that. It takes a lot of work for me, and I struggle and I struggle. Be mad at me if you want, this is not something I choose, this is something that happened regardless. But, my children don't live like this, they don't have the deep pain.<br />
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Our marital issues are not related to a serious issue as one might imagine. It is a deep core issue. If you've been reading here, you know what I mean. I get through this daily, one day at a time. A relationship with someone of the opposite sex is tough even at its best times, with the most stable people, marriage is at a 50% success rate. That doesn't scare me. I know what I have to do. But lots of what I have to do is going through fear, and other tough battles I have to go through. My mind is a very dangerous thing, so I tend to try to go by my emotions, no matter what. <br />
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My oldest daughter has bought some furniture on time. This I cautioned her against, something might happen. Things are starting to happen now, and I'm afraid she might not be able to pay for it. She is asking for money to pay for the other bills, like the phone bill, so I know what is going on. She doesn't make a lot of money, not minimum wage, but an ok money. She has a job where she has regular hours, but can work anytime she wants to. She can make extra money when needed. She has split custody of the kids with her ex. I think she can be ok, she can hold down a job, and she can make a good life, and the ex is a good father. But she does these crazy things, so I got scared for her.<br />
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She need not ever see poverty, but she seems to be making it happen by needing to have to keep up with the Joneses, and making things very difficult. I know she needs to grow on her own, but then I get dragged into it, with her needing me, for money, whatever. Anyway, I can't talk about that anymore. Long story short she is not talking to me. Just something I have to pray through.<br />
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My youngest daughter is having a relationship issue. That I can handle. I got a handle on that stuff. She just needs to be more expressive with him, and not hold everything in. <br />
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Another problem with my youngest's boyfriend.<br />
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Well, he bought some car tires from a friend and the tires didn't fit the car. I asked him if he checked to see if they would fit, and he said, "No, I trusted my friend who was supposed to do it for me." The tires set him back $400. And his friend won't give him back the money, for his friend insists the tires fit. <br />
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Well, I don't have to tell an ACON what this is all about. I told him a little. I am very open with the kids, however, there are some things I can't tell. After a while, he said that he needed counselling. I don't doubt that. Perhaps he does. However, I do have my own experience with it. When my daughter first got involved with him, I found out he was an abused child with lots of physical abuse, who left home at 14 and almost starved on the streets. Since then he has built up his life, got working, and is a very stable young man at 25.<br />
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I went to many counsellors, some good, some useless. I had to give up caffeine, stop this, stop that. Try walking very slow, doing things in slow motion sometimes. All of which I did of course, I wanted to get better. One problem remained. Why did I exist as a nervous wreck? So after absorbing the ton of information on the internet about narcissistic parents, I realized that someone can read all this stuff, and yeah, experience it even, but in the end it may not make no never mind, and its not like they don't care, its just that they don't get how this may apply to them.<br />
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I used to think that people bullied me. I thought I was the target of bullies. "Its just your imagination". "Why do you think everyone is out to get you? No one is out to get you." Hmm, wow, and when you read how we are targets and became lifelong targets, you start to see the truth. This whole world is going crazy, and I can see it. <br />
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He's a good guy who believes his friend would never take advantage of him. "Oh, he only needed money and that is why he did it." Oh, so this is why he scammed you? His so called friend. <br />
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I felt the need to describe what a narcissitic person was. For a long time. This is not a person. This is a greedy little beggar who goes looking for ways to milk human kindness. This is a disgusting creature, bound for the fire, they are not the wheat, they are the chaff. They will remain the chaff, for they are just gone. As we Christians, seek to gather the wheat for God's harvest, the chaff will be not accepted. It is done.<br />
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Some people read that portion of scripture and think that chaff will become wheat someday for God will save them. No. Chaff is chaff. Get over it. It is done. They are only here because the good people remain, and God is seeking them out. He will use destructive means and it will hurt the good people.<br />
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Narcissists like money or so it seems. My mother was never about money, for she never had any. Any money she had she spent it in such a way that made her look good. I guess you can say that she was all about money for she made poverty give her a high status. It did. Most of us, when in poverty, don't look so good, but she did. Don't ask me how, but she did it. <br />
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And narcs who do have money, it is only for the flaunting of it. But I swear to you right now, that it is beyond their reach to understand the enjoyment of it. They enjoy flaunting it. They enjoy hurting you with it. There was once this episode on "Little House on the Prairie" when Nellie Olsen somehow trapped Laura Ingalls into her room. She had dolls, toys, clothes aplenty. So when Laura left unshaken from the house, Nellie threw her expensive toys all around, destroying them, for they did not give her the "supply" she needed. I thought that episode was very accurate. She did not love the toys. She only wanted them to cause pain to others. And when this didn't happen she hurled them for they were now useless. <br />
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So just by realizing that it is foolish to even think in terms of trying to impress the narcs in the world. It really don't matter to them. To have something very impressive is ok, but only if you want it. Not because you feel forced to keep up with this crazy society. To me, some money in your pocket is much better. But some people buy and buy and buy, and they live stone cold broke with good money, where they could live well. Just to impress, I don't know, but all this stuff, to me. is meaningless.<br />
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I wonder about narcs. How does that brain work? It only needs to feed of the milk of human kindness, of human value. <br />
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So when my daughter's boyfriend said his friend meant well, or otherwise had good intentions, I knew for me the gig was up. His friend could have walked in the door when I was there, and I would have walloped him. This friend, which I don't know anything about, is shady. At the very least. And I know my daughter's boyfriend was targeted. I wanted to give him a heads up about that, but its hard. This is not easy stuff we talk about. You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink applies here. But we did have a very long talk about it. <br />
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And I get the feeling that this has been happening to the dear boy for a very long time. It would be cool wouldn't it? If at 25, we could have had our freedom, the way we do now, to know what we know about narcs back them would have been like gold. So what do I do? <br />
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He says he knows he needs counselling, but is there any counselling for us really? I've been a pile of nerves. Even after counselling I knew some stuff. But, it wasn't enough really. Something else was going on some truth I needed to know. I've been in the dark, even rejected the very notion that people have been targeting me. I mean, how did I come to believe that even? Simple truth, but its very hard, for no one even believes it. Its like I had to call the whole world crazy to call myself normal. I had to have the confidence to get there. <br />
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So I gave him some good information. I sent my daughter this website and asked her to get him to read it. Its the 12 steps for scapegoats to follow. Its been a few days, and so far he has not read it. Do I pile on more information? This is delicate stuff. Not to be passed around, I have too much respect for it. I need him to come to the realization on his own. I know he knows something is terribly wrong with the way his life goes, that is a start. It feels terrible to say that. In order for him to get better, he has to realize the cold hard truth. <br />
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I know a lot of stuff has been taken off our shoulders, once we are able to process this stuff. I could have had a therapist even tell me that mother was a narc, and this is the beginning of my sorrows, but would I have believed it? Who wants to believe that about the parents, who raised us? Its very hard. I came to the reality, myself, by researching a relationship site, my go to site, when things go badly in my life. The woman teaches on everything. And could have even been an engulfed daughter herself. She told us that her mother never gave birth to a baby girl, her mother gave birth to a soon to be lawyer. Who she would make her become a lawyer. A fiercely independent woman, strong and capable. She did become a lawyer, only wanting to be a mother and wife, but I digress, this is not my story to tell.<br />
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But the incredible insight I got, about authenticity, about our true selves, opened, and paved the way into the truth about my narcissistic mother. Could I have gotten there any other way? I knew mother was mean and nasty, but this I believed to be normal, that mother was kind and caring in such a way, that it came out as mean. She only wanted the best for me. What a load of shit that was. <br />
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Awakening to the truth didn't take a lot of work on my part. It was and it wasn't. It was more of a spiritual journey more than anything. Instead of work, I had to just open. That is the best way I can describe it.<br />
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So now when things get complicated I know I have to take a break and just relax. Getting back to relaxing might feel wrong, but its the only way I can function. Even if I have to stumble through life, which is not perfect anyway. It seems like I'm slower than anyone else. And I try to hide that, then it just looks bad on me. My intentions are to try my best, just that it isn't always going to be perceived by others that way. For their best is always better. Most people function way better than me, and I don't try to block that, for that would be dangerous. That way I could start acting out in bad ways, but I just accept myself. And that way I can bring my highest value self to all the lives I touch.<br />
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I used to have nightmares that by not being good enough, then what the heck was I good for? What was the point of anyone having me around? They could do better without me. So this guilt lives with me too. I started out thinking that all I had to do was make everything ok. But my oldest child telling me that I was not good enough, really speaks volumes. I swear I was not a drug addict or a drunk or a partier, but I might as well have been, for someone like that is a lot better than me. They can function better than me. <br />
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Well, I thought I had worked through these emotions before I wrote. One thing I do know, is I'M ENOUGH will steadily be challenged. I need to constantly remind myself that I am enough, just the way I am. What do I have to do to be enough in this world? We are born enough. Joan Shttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07775873193806083833noreply@blogger.com41tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1486425189777141800.post-41019683478475641962016-04-05T06:26:00.003-07:002016-04-05T06:26:46.623-07:00Horror Movies Review<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img class="sgt rms_img" data-bm="29" id="emb57E236F9" 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" 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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: small; text-align: start;">http://warp.la/cary-fukunaga-se-encargara-de-la-nueva-adaptacion-de-eso-88232/stephen-king-it-remake</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Z4ZXSfPulI&feature=player_detailpage">https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Z4ZXSfPulI&feature=player_detailpage</a><br />
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I often think of my captivation over certain horror movies. I wrote about it before but I wanted to revisit it at some time when I had more insight. I think I might have that insight now. I heard that they are remaking the movie "IT". It was one of my favorites, it held me spellbound watching it repeatedly. I so want to go and see it, however, I don't want to be caught doing that, what would people say? That I am morbid and strange. So I don't go see it. I will have to hope that the new version will grace my tv at some point in time.<br />
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Plus too, my own Christian morals, how do I incorporate this into my life? Am I to live some dreaded double life for the rest of my life? Oh, well. I suppose there are answers for that but in the meantime, I just want to examine one of my favorite films. <br />
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I think the scene "don't get caught in the deadlights", is a very fascinating piece. Kinda like, well, what we go through. See right through them, don't get caught in its deadlights for then you will die. This has me thinking of covert narcissism we recently discussed over at Q1605's blog. I think I can see through them, but i have to keep it quiet. Although the crap is going on around me, it is important that I at least appear to be normal. Once you believe and fall for the trap, you are in trouble.<br />
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Just this week I felt it again. Stuff was happening, and the deadlights were coming after me, and I am afraid that I appeared silly. Hard to explain. Try to be normal, when you can see past their shit, into the realm of the covert narcissist, and no one else does. You just want to say something but nothing that comes out of your mouth will even appear sane.<br />
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What I tend to do, is that I lock myself up at home. I don't leave the house, but staying home too long gets me very lonely. So I go out there, and then I get hurt, then I come back home and the process begins all over again. <br />
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DH is thinking he will get his revenge on his "buddy" that took, and took, and took from him and everyone around here. We all live out here one a private road, and everyone pays to get it plowed but "buddy" who goes to Florida for the winter has decided to forgo the necessary snowplowing. He said he was fine for when he comes back in April he has no need. We still have many feet of snow so he does need it done, and has asked to borrow the equipment to do it himself, without paying. His part of the road, that is. No can do. Equipment breaks down so a steady stream of money has to be paid into the group to do it. I knew from day one this guy was trouble, but I only knew it in my emotions. DH is not plowing his part of the road on command of this guy, he used to do this for. Long story, long story, basically DH thinks its about the money this guy doesn't want to pay. I believe it has nothing to do with the money. This is all a game and DH is playing the game accordingly, and I have no choice but to sit back and watch. <br />
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This guy has already instilled fear in a few of the people who live here. No one wants to go after him and everyone has to pay, they would rather not say anything. Although one guy is, DH is leaving it up to him. I know I can tear this guy in two, if it were left up to me. But it is not up to me, everyone else is caught up in the deadlights of this guy who does not want to pay the $500 per year. He goes to Florida every year, it is not about the money, IT IS ABOUT WINNING. I"ve seen too many narcish behaviours from him. <br />
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DH told me that the guy will be angry, and he likes that idea of making him angry. I told him that it has nothing to do with him personally, but he thinks it does. He rambles on about how the guy has made enemies around here. I told him that people can turn on you fast, be careful. And I told him, that "buddy" might turn up here on the door, placing his charm, perfectly in place, and he can easily have you and everyone on his side. He might come here with a peace offering, ie screw you over. I don't put it past him. They don't do the normal, "be mad at you".<br />
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ACON's have been going through this for a lifetime. I see it all over the place. I felt that the movie "IT" is a very appropriate movie, very much keeping up with what we have to go through. <br />
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Come to think of it, we were talking about "Covert Narcissism" over at Q's blog. I have an opinion of it. I think its someone severlely twisted, but appears to be normal and sane. Also, I think there is an overt narcissist as well. This is someone who basically hides in plain sight. My mother was like that. You sort of overlook her patterns, and convince yourself that she is normal and sane. <br />
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I've been reading some of Anna V's blog, and I learned that I am much too nice to the human predators called narc's. I truly have. I didn't start out that way. When I first started writing, I was very hard on them, good thing, for I was reading of Anna's blog, but then I started to go on my own, and I have been much too kind to these creatures. That is going to end. <br />
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<b>Narcs, borderlines, call them what you will, but they are the most insideous creatures. Disgusting, horrible, and totally intentionally that way. </b>Don't trick yourselves into believing otherwise, or you'll get caught up in the deadlights. If you want to you can just call them what they are, assholes. You can just switch the word "narc" or "borderline" with "asshole" in your mind, and you will see the snowjob. <br />
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Another movie I thought was great was the one called funny games. I don't know if you've seen this movie, I totally had to own that movie and I bought it, and I watch it now and again to get some learning. I've been doing this before I had awakened. <br />
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This clip missed the part about the eggs. These bad guys wanted eggs, and the family was unable to get them the eggs, and as such they had to die. They killers did everything "decent and normal". Was very moral, kept the peace, it was just a game afterall. The family wasn't very polite, but you could see the bad guys not being polite, but you might not see it. Not supposed to see it.<br />
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I have been moaning about this for too long and no one listens to me. I see bad behaviour wherever I go, I can go to my quilting guild happy to be around people, then I come home all tired and spaced out. <br />
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Then its back home, to watch my shows. I own the full series of "Little House on the Praire", I watch those too. And I watch twisted horror movies. I wonder if this explains my personality.<br />
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I wonder how the writers even manage to get this stuff seeing as we are very rare. They are just making a movie, to make money, but they hit on certain truths. I don't know why that is.<br />
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I like how Anna V used the pseudonym of Anna Valerious. This is a character in a horror movie about a vampire slayer. Growing up the way we did, it is a miracle we even survived. If you don't become one of them, they will drive you crazy, but if you do awaken, you become the vampire slayer. It is not a comfy position. I think I've been telling people this all my life, I would just speak my truths into the air. Nothing I ever did say really mattered, everyone was too caught up in the deadlights.Joan Shttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07775873193806083833noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1486425189777141800.post-25032826294620526302016-03-16T18:05:00.001-07:002016-03-16T18:05:25.836-07:00Feelings over My Living Brother<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhNeZc2ayr2FcGI7O8CCWc67llkV8j6ddRoPFPIsnamU33rdQHfOI-zxZSWdT_EXbEt_sY0a85GPUD0gAHWWQ-U9dyRNtMbMiV85wkqnOCH8CycBWckUMzHWW5QRSLyFrrOdR35MQSRPA/s1600/005.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="480" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhNeZc2ayr2FcGI7O8CCWc67llkV8j6ddRoPFPIsnamU33rdQHfOI-zxZSWdT_EXbEt_sY0a85GPUD0gAHWWQ-U9dyRNtMbMiV85wkqnOCH8CycBWckUMzHWW5QRSLyFrrOdR35MQSRPA/s640/005.JPG" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">My attempt at being Austin Stevens.</td></tr>
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Its been a month or so since mother's death. I don't remember anymore the date, I probably wrote it down here somewhere when it happened. Not a single tear have I shed over it. Not a party either, the day went by like any other day. If I had to pick up milk, I picked up milk, if it was quilting day, I would have went to the group. If it was time to do the laundry, I did the laundry. I don't remember. It was just another day. <br />
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I'm wondering if my behaviour has appeared like I'm cold to the people on the outside here. They brought it up briefly, then, it was gone, back to life. It was not like I was having trouble coping, it was very normal. I had no remorse. I worry about my coldness at times, and I am needing to write about it. <br />
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The truth is, I don't even care. I have not contacted my sister for the family pictures, my aunt has not called me about mother's life insurance, she assured me she will, so I'm not worried. I do kinda worry that they have taken all the money, but too afraid to talk about it with them.<br />
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I told my husband this morning that I was scared of seeing my sister for the pictures, for I basically told her to "get lost" the last time I saw her. He said that I did, and that I told my brother the same thing basically. <br />
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His mother's birthday was this week. I made her a quilted tote bag, and we needed to bring it to her. We stopped at the store for a gift bag and a card. I asked him to pick out a card and he picked out one that said, "From both of us." I told him, "No, that is for two friends who get together and decide to gift someone." Then he smiled and picked up this beautiful card with roses on it, and more just a regular birthday card from one person or more. I have to say that filling out the card was a very difficult thing. When we got back to the truck, I opened the packaging of the card and got a pen and asked him to fill it out. He told me to fill it out. I asked him, "What do I say?" He said to just put our names on it. So I did.<br />
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When we got to her place, she was pleased by the quilting and the outside of the card and gave me a big hug. I could feel my shoulders slump backwards. She opened the card and spent a long time reading it, and I just needed her to put it down. Then her brother called, and they spent a couple of minutes talking then proceeded with our visit. <br />
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At this point I remembered me telling my brother to get lost when he called me at the time of mother's death. Then I just went on with what I was doing. So yeah, I yelled at my brother then put the phone down and went on with normal things. I think I was doing the laundry. This is not outside of the notice of my husband who just sat there. I could see his body shake a bit when I told my brother to get lost. Then I witness what he is actually used to, his own elderly mother having a peaceful conversation with her brother. <br />
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Why does this look so weird to me. An actual conversation with a family member but to him, this is normal and vice versa. And why can't people just talk to eachother and give eachother gifts, why this hateful card thing? <br />
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I cried over my utter coldness, not over mother or my family. But over my ability to even feel a thing about it. I cried and prayed out loud to God to please help me. I don't know what was going on with me. Then with all things, I decided to wait. <br />
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We had our food bank meeting last night. You know that malignant narcissist I told you about before that volunteers there? Well, she decided to be very generous, and since we have a few money vouchers left, we should give them out first come first serve. For Easter. I told you of how I'm just letting my emotions take over and just learn to feel? Well, I did it. I don't know what happened. This sound came out of my mouth and it said, "That sounds just horrible." Without even thinking. I don't know if I said the right thing. Then others piped up and said it was wrong, "Either we give everyone one or no one." I'm not even sure if it was from anything I said though, it was a purely emotional response from me, and my brain was shut off. I wanted to just go with my emotions. But everyone on our list is going to get a voucher for Easter. And when I sat back and decided to think about it, this "first come, first serve" would have been horrible. I can imagine the cut off point could be between two people who are friends who arrived together. Or the most resourceful people would get the vouchers only, or the list goes on. This would have been HORRIBLE. As someone who has had to beg and fight for scraps my whole life, I knew this would be horrible. Oh, no, no, no. We have the money to give everyone a voucher, why would she even think of something like that. <br />
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I work continually on my emotions. I don't know why I just can't stand my living brother. Then it hit me suddenly. He once hit me so hard in the face that I saw white stars. This was normal in our family, but this one specific memory, I am keyed into right now. I don't even remember my son hitting any of his sisters passed the age of ten. He annoyed them completely, but everything was and is done in a state of complete acceptance and equality, even if they are mad at eachother.<br />
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I'll tell you what I mean. I remember my brother hitting me and seeing the stars, but I remember more, the look on his face. My last therapist taught me to explain a look instead of reacting to the fear of it. He would half close his eyes. then he would press them almost shut. With his teeth clenched and his cheeks relaxed, no smile, no frown, nothing. He said I was just a fucking bitch. Then he hit. I bounced back, and I felt the room disappear, then I remember the screaming. It was me screaming, trying to stay awake and ALIVE. I was too scared to pass out, I fought myself conscience. It seemed like everyone was in the room including my mother. I remembered the argument at first, then she just turned her back and said she didn't want anything to do with it. She said she tries too hard and if we can't get along it is not her fault. Then I saw her smile? I did see her smile and smirk. Even after the hitting, while she was busy giving him a little shit over it, she was smirking. She told him, "That's enough" with the freakiest look on her face. But her eyes wide and staring down at me, sucking up the supply, it was like pure milk chocolate.<br />
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Do you want to know how the argument started? I'll tell you. His girlfriend went into my drawer and took and wore my sweater home. I wanted it back. This was the only sweater I had ever chosen for myself. I don't know how I got to choose it for myself. But I think it was because mother took me to a store to buy it and try it on. It was not from the catalogue. With salespeople watching, I got to choose the sweater. It was funny mother never made me return it, guess she was just too lazy, and I hid the fact I loved the sweater. I loved that sweater and never saw it again. I tried to fight for it, but I couldn't.<br />
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So brother's girlfriend took and wore the sweater home. I was angry. I expressed that to him. That's when the squinty eyes started and well, the rest of the story. There was no equality between us. Any time I got hit after that by a man, it was like I was set up for it by my brother. Stupid brother. His wife rules the roost, and he has yet to put on his big boy panties, and I can't figure that one out and I won't.<br />
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I was 15. He was either 19 or 20, and well over the age of consent. Well above the age of "knowing better". I don't care about the triangulation. I don't care about anything else. In my emotions, it is placed where this "man" sits. There is nothing that can be done about it, this is how I feel. So when my brother called me and says he "misses me", he can go fuck off. He has never visited me, and dodged any attempts of me visiting him. It is final and it is done. If I try to do anything, I would be doing it without authenticity, so that means its just bullshit. <br />
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Why can't I forget something that happened many decades ago? Well, it wasn't just that particular incident, there were others, and that would make for a very long blog posting. I am trying to remember other things from the others, what they did past the age of accountability. I remember very serious things that would probably land the whole family in jail. <br />
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I really don't care about any of them.<br />
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I have to live a life now. My children and husband. I had a relationship issue the other day with him, long story. Basically, when you are being authentic, sometimes its not always going to make them feel all peachy. They get angry. It was understandable. It was all I could do to let it go till the next day, I just wanted to pick at the problem. I wanted to tell him that he was the problem here not me, but I had to force myself to allow my feelings and respect his boundaries, and not blame him. Still, after my expressing my emotions, and being vulnerable, I had to let it go till the next day. Oh, no. Then after he went to bed, just forget about it, and not stew. This was hard. I have told my relationship guide about this before in the past, and all she says to me is "I know." Or "uh huh, yes." That's it, that is all she says about it.<br />
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Or today it was my turn to bring the snack for our quilting guild. No one ate anything while I was there. Oh, no. I wanted to pick at it, and try to get someone to eat. Or feel horrible about it. I just let it go. I guess they just weren't hungry. I didn't worry about it, I brought the snacks then no one ate, then I went home a few hours later, and we just leave the snacks. It doesn't matter. <br />
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Or my oldest daughter and her ex tend to buy too much for the children. You know, I can't buy any of her children a coloring book even. It will simply fall into the pile of endless coloring books they already have. And the kids don't even appreciate gifts anymore. They have ten of everything. I'm not saying she is teaching them to be narcissists, but well, seems like its going down that road. We had a long talk about it and she is considering what I am saying.<br />
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One step at a time, one foot in front of another. Mother who? Brother and sister who?<br />
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<br />Joan Shttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07775873193806083833noreply@blogger.com74tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1486425189777141800.post-28781657173588396562016-03-10T06:41:00.000-08:002016-03-10T06:41:12.501-08:00The Quiet Mind<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I can't watch this video without crying, even over and over again. This is a true story, Henry Howard wrote this poem, and he was executed under the command of King Henry VIII back in the early 1500's. Here are the words to that poem:<br />
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<i>MARTIAL, the things that do attain The happy life, be these, I find :</i><br />
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<i>The riches left, not got with pain ;The fruitful ground, the quiet mind :</i><br />
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<i>The equal friend, no grudge, no strife ;</i><br />
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<i>No charge of rule, nor governance ;</i><br />
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<i>Without disease, the healthful life ;</i><br />
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<i>The household of continuance :</i><br />
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<i>The mean diet, no delicate fare ;</i><br />
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<i>True wisdom join'd with simpleness ;</i><br />
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<i>The night discharged of all care, Where wine the wit may not oppress :The faithful wife, without debate ;Such sleeps as may beguile the night.</i><br />
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<i>Contented with thine own estate ;Ne wish for Death, ne fear his might.</i><br />
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Such profound words from a guy who was considered a very difficult man. History does not give Henry Howard a good report. And actually, if history were to write about me, oh no, lets not go there. <br />
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I had my doctor's appointment yesterday. It turns out my cholesterol is 3.7 and it is supposed to be at 2. The doctor is concerned about this for I have a brother who died of a heart attack at 45, and a mother who had high cholesterol. The doctor discussed with me that the genetic link factor is the worst. I never told her that I had a grandmother who died at the age of thirty of a heart attack for having too many children. And that was on my father's side. Too many connections, and I'm starting to feel like I'm going to be very careful with my eating habits and start exercising. I have to have a bunch of heart tests too, and they'll call me to set a date.<br />
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Last night for dinner we had some white meat chicken and a big salad, with healthy dressing, a piece of whole wheat bread. I talked about the results with my husband who just sat there a little nervous too. I have the genetic link factor, and I'm feeling like a ticking time bomb. He's concerned about this too, and that is probably coupled with him staring down at the chicken and salad and he's probably wondering when he'll ever have a steak again. I know its important for us both to eat healthy and he likes to eat red meat. I think I'm just going to put some healthy food in his diet and allow him to eat what he wants. <br />
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We like fish, but we only get it in the summer from the lake. I usually deep fry it, so I'm going to have to learn how to bake more often. And more in moderation. We usually eat what we catch right away, even when we catch the limit. And this is a lot. I suppose I could freeze some, but the law don't let you freeze too much. If you have a freezer of fish, you could get into trouble. Around here the law is strict on wildlife and that we don't abuse it, and sometimes I think they are more vigilant about that than they are about other things.<br />
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Our bodies make cholesterol too. So that has to be taken in consideration because of my bad nerves. But I think I've done a lot of work to get better. Just this past week I've done considerable work on it. I was well over my bad cold so I went to church on Sunday. There is still a little residue from the cold, so I had to blow my nose. I didn't think much of it. I blew my nose a little, and it sounded like an elephant clearing its trunk. Of course these things happen to me, I feel like I have been living under some kind of curse, so I kind of wondered why I didn't go to the bathroom to blow my nose, why did I have to do it right there. But I lived to tell the tale. <br />
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After church I checked the food for the food bank and I noticed that a lot of food was collected by the church. There was probably about $800 worth. I usually take the food home with me and bring it to the food bank meeting, but this time I had to find someone who had keys, I wasn't going to bring this home. <br />
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As I left the church, the truck spun its wheels and there was snow thrown about the place and people were watching. It looked like I did this on purpose, I hate that. It looked like I was doing a Dukes of Hazzard Boys. They were probably expecting me to fly over the embankment. I don't spin wheelies but it looked like I was doing this on purpose. <br />
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I survived. Next I had to think of who to go to that had keys. I only knew where one lived. Almost, not exactly. I kinda knew of where she lived, I thought I could find her. I did find her. It was cool because I used to do that in another time, when mother was not in my life. I used to live making mistakes, and it was ok. All this constant "being careful" was a problem for me. So I decided to incorporate a little of the "old me".<br />
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So it was ok, I found her. We went to the food bank and dropped off the food. She is a nervous person. I noticed how her speech tells this, and the way we talked to eachother, well we are the same in that regards. As I was leaving the food bank I saw her walking back so I stopped and asked if anything was wrong. She said that she just wanted to check if she locked the doors. I thought to myself, "of course." Exactly what I would do. I don't know why this kind of behaviour bugs people. I find her a very good person, and I don't know why some would target someone like that. I don't know about her life, and perhaps life took her here, and she does the best she can. <br />
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Watching her, I noticed a lot of me. People think we are untrustworthy. People might think its stupid to give her keys and she has too much responsibility that she can't be trusted for. But I know she is the most trustworthy. She might have walked back to the food bank again to check the lock again, she would never have left those doors unlocked. She is always there to do things, and me knocking on her door on a Sunday was not expected. She went out of her way to help. She did not make me go home with the food. That is what we are like. <br />
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So, with gas running out of the truck, I got the gas, with no anxiety over that. I used to have to go around with a full tank, and with poverty being my main issue at the time, this made everything very difficult. So I did a "So What?" Then I proceeded to go on. Just pushed through every single instance of pain, and I didn't die from it.<br />
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And even yesterday, going to the doctor's presented challenges. I had my 3 year old grandbaby with me, and I couldn't find parking till the last minute, it was pouring rain, and I had a sickening feeling I would miss my appointment because of it. I eventually found parking by waiting and driving around town. This is not easy when you have a three year old who has to go pee. I should be in a movie, its terrible.<br />
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And, if that wasn't enough, I had a hard time to get out of town for they had closed the exits because of several accidents. There was only one exit, and I had to try to find out which one it was. The radio did not give the details. It took me a long time to find it.<br />
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I survived. But if I knew what the day was going to be like, I don't think I would have wished myself out of bed that morning. I don't think things would be so rough if it weren't for mother. I think I would have been more accepting of myself. <br />
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Mother had high cholesterol too, and she used to eat everything that was considered good and healthy, and still her cholesterol went up. It was weird. I think it may have been her awful demeanor. She was always on the look out for narc supply, and this probably caused a lot of stress. They can't live without it. I suppose her doctor should have told her about that. Narcs get away with too much and then they eat to keep healthy. Doctor's don't help narcs much, do they? She could have eaten only vegetables, but the constant need for supply kept her cholesterol high. I'm sure of it.<br />
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Well, my doctor is a vegetarian, and I was wondering how someone lives like that. She never has anything greasy either. Then of course, I embarrassed myself asking her about pork, with her being east Indian, and this is probably a conversation she didn't want to have. They don't eat pigs, and I felt just awful for asking her of it afterwards. Just awful. Awful is how I feel a lot. But, she just smiled and she actually didn't smack me, so its ok.<br />
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So I basically have to take better care of myself, and I'm hoping my clumsy attempts at life don't cause my downfall. I think if I'm just more accepting of them and of me, I will be fine. And eating better and exercising will help me too. I have the words of Henry Howard, the recipe of the quiet mind.<br />
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<br />Joan Shttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07775873193806083833noreply@blogger.com30tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1486425189777141800.post-22203200694312433642016-03-04T10:48:00.001-08:002016-03-04T10:48:09.081-08:00Refresher of Anna V.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I have a feeling this will be my most vulnerable post ever. At least that is what I'm feeling right now. I had to think of that before typing anything else, to get that off my shoulders. <br />
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Well, I've been on this journey of discovery, and when I first started, I made it a point to read some of Anna V at least a couple of times a week. That tapered off to nothing and just last night I started to read it again. I have to tell you it was like it was all brand new to me. <br />
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I love how she can use bible scripture to make her points and does it so well, and never comes across as preachy to anyone. Just the bare bones scripture, and for me this is the catalyst in growing in leaps and bounds. I feel sad, I go there. I feel angry, I go there. Even when I feel confused. And confused is a lot that I feel so much. And I got to tell you these sneaky little buggers of the Cluster B will get you all confused if you let them.<br />
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I found out a woman I once knew is part of our quilting guild. Not in my town, but in another, but we sometimes will all get together, at least once a year. Now, this woman I once knew I used to work with in another time. I can't call her the direct bully, I can't even call her an MN, but she was part and parcel of a plot set out by head narc of the group, and she played along.<br />
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Long story. but I think you get the gist of it. She was not someone who sticks up for anyone, just plays along. Now I don't mind that, I don't expect anyone to stand up for me actually, but to stir the pot? This I do mind.<br />
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She basically sat me down one day and told me that I need to learn to get along with people that I have a hard time with people skills and that basically I was stupid. Even though I was the one that was bullied and I was perfectly content to mind my own business, but I get pulled into things and get bullied. But somehow this is all my fault. I've seen people, real people, not get up and not play with the narc agenda, I've seen it. I know it is possible.<br />
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I saw this woman is with the guild and this part bugs me. I know she likes to be perceived as this great and wonderful, sweet, caring, giving, understanding etc, etc, adnauseum. I don't think she was a predator. I'm sure she can be utmostly sweet at a tea party too. Hey, whatever fits the situation, and this is the most inauthentic person I know.<br />
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Despite all of that, I went to read some of Anna V. I happened to read that even these types people are dangerous for in the bible it says that those who don't love truth are dangerous. They are the antithesis of truth, they are lies. Lies pure and simple, and that is dangerous.<br />
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How come I know so much? In my heart I know that this woman will throw you to the wolves, given a chance or sit and dine with you and discuss flower arranging patterns in a little sun bonnet too. <br />
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She hasn't even seen me at the guild yet, but I know she is with the other group, and sooner or later we will cross paths. I know I am more angry with her than anyone of PD that I meet now. Nowadays, new narcs no problem. One from my past is a different story. And Anna says that narc supporters are no different than their narc counterparts, no less dangerous that is.<br />
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What will I say when I meet her? Not sure, but I know what she will say. She will be nice to me and act like we were friends in another life, and try to proceed with the nice protocol. lol. I'm sure of it.<br />
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Even those people who come online and say they are ACON's child abuse survivors. Then they claim to be diagnosed with the dreaded Cluster B disorder. Hey, I know they can write good and talk a good game and everything. But when push comes to shove they are on the defense of the narcissist. I won't mention names, but I seen an ACON get ganged up on by them to defend his royal highness the head narc Sam Vakness. I've seen it. I read it and I was in shock. I was too much in a fog at the time to see clearly what what going but now I know. Reading some of Anna really helped me. And she also helped me realize too that almost every narc has tales of woe. That is child abuse. Be careful. Love you Anna Valerious, hope you don't mind me sharing some of what I learned from you, it was all like fresh stuff last night.<br />
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Kinda, well, I just had some thoughts on my heart today. And I just feel very refreshed and renewed.<br />
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One of the new narcs I know, and I mean new as in my post awakening, that I pegged as being a narc right away. For months. Then just the other day, I got into a bit of a misunderstanding with one of the ladies. I felt lost when I went to get the presses to hold down my quilt. She moved them, and I'm afraid my voice got a little testy as to where they were. Madam narc picked up on this. Time for an attack. Well, after awhile, it all seemed rather silly and some time later the narc asked, "I wonder if Joan is still mad at you." This was about a half an hour after the scuffle, and we had already retreated into being friendly again. Mmmm. <br />
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So yeah, ha ha. Another one. Well, that freaky SIL left a message in hubby's email. This is what, barely into March and she wanted to know what HE was going to do, for THEY were taking their holidays in August. For this, I have my wonderful lady who leads my relationship site, but, I'm sick. Everything will have to be counter intuitive. I will have to embrace my pain and authentically admit I'm jealous even to him if necessary, but at least admit it myself. I am not to let him go there alone anymore, I have to use jealousy in a way that is productive. That is, take things in hand and go there and own the situation. That she is not in charge here. I have to grow a spine. So I will have to breathe through that one. Wah, I'm not meant for this.<br />
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Its hard for me, not that I'm a wimp, but I have a lot of shit to deal with, with my own issues. I'm afraid. What if I take it too far? That can happens sometimes, but its only because of jangled nerves. I'm misundertood all the time, so what difference does it make now? Rule number one of social skills, YOU WILL MAKE MISTAKES. <br />
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It doesn't help much when I am born with a hypermobile body that can't even point straight at something and can sit like a twist tie. This all feels so vulnerable. I can't explain it. Just does. But I was always faced with someone wanting to beat me up, and that is something. <br />
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So what I wanted to talk about was this stuff all this stuff. Am I making sense. I just had to pour out so quickly what it was I was feeling. When I go back and try to edit it will remove the intensity of my feelings. Thank you for your patience.<br />
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<br />Joan Shttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07775873193806083833noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1486425189777141800.post-84474758780134823012016-03-02T19:37:00.001-08:002016-03-02T19:37:12.258-08:00Diagnosed with High Cholesterol<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I have been diagnosed with having high cholesterol. All my other medical tests turned out fine, other than having to have a mammogram once a year instead of two years. For having dense tissue. <br />
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I have a doctor's appointment next week to discuss it, but I did a little reading online about it. I'm a little nervous it will affect my eating habits, which are not very good. I am addicted to sweets, and have no problem at all eating a family size bag of caramels. And that is a day that I'm being careful of what I eat. <br />
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I know mother was diagnosed with this at my age, probably a bit older actually. She didn't go for regular testing though, but she had symptoms of having a hard time moving her legs. So she went to see a doctor and they found out she had high cholesterol.<br />
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I'm still just trying to absorb this information. Mother had it, I got it, but I had no symptoms, and apparently there are no symptoms from what I was reading online. Only a blood test can determine it. It can run in families. I already look like her, and have the same diagnosis. <br />
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I remember she lived on cabbage soup lots. Very careful with what she ate. I CAN'T LIVE LIKE THAT. I know, I'm not trying to find pity here, just venting. I have special addictions brought on by a life of trauma. Junk food makes me feel normal. It comforts me. When things go badly for me, I always have had a temporary way out. <br />
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I was fortunate not to be a drug addict or worse. Mother did intend to make me feel so horrible about myself then she would placate me with hot chocolate and candy. I still remember that wolf in Lisette's blog from House of Mirrors. I must have stared at that wolf for a long time. The wolf was holding out a treat and he had a fork in his other had to eat you with.<br />
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When the doctor told me that I felt scared. I am already aware of the eating life a high cholesterol person. It is not good. I am probably not as bad as mother, for she only went in when she was already sick.<br />
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When I went in to have these medical tests, the only one that scared me really was the one for colorectal cancer, for I seem to get a pain in my lower back once in a while, and I heard that was a symptom. But that was ok.<br />
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I guess I have to work with my emotions a lot more. I feel helpless right now, and I can't understand that I got this and mother did too.<br />
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I also heard that high cholesterol can be caused by stress. I stress about a lot of things. Just tonight I was feeling horrible. Just horrible and I couldn't figure out why. <br />
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So I just let myself feel horrible. That's it. No positive thinking. And guess what? In about 10 minutes I was feeling better. For no reason either, I just went with the flow.<br />
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I know it can be said that an uneducated woman like my mother can be an emotional feeder. She doesn't know any better right? But she did tell me that she enjoyed seeing me miserable. I realize now why she told me that. She was grooming me to always feel miserable to please her. <br />
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Who does that? Who feels pleasure at their daughter feeling miserable? I can't stand it when the kids tell me that they feel badly, I go frantic and I absorb their pain. I like it when they are happy.<br />
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A couple of months ago, my son told me he was going to go back to school. At age 26, he already became a foreman in the construction industry, he was a roofer. But he is a workaholic and with long winters off, he sort of went nuts. <br />
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He's going back to school, and I feel scared for him, but I'm trusting him to make the right decisions. But he didn't tell me that he was going to work in the summer months, and go to school in the winter. He didn't tell me that. I only heard he was going back to school. I thought he got into a fight with his boss or got fired, and all my brain did was go crazy. Then he explained it to me later.<br />
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I couldn't bring myself to ask him if he got fired, I didn't know what to do, and he didn't explain right away. So we talked about this and he promised to explain things to me better. How much junk food did I consume over that one? I'm ashamed to tell you.<br />
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So I have to figure out how my emotions work with the emotional eating, and I have to try to solve the problem that way. If I have to eat healthy, there will be more emotional work. And it seems to be endless. <br />
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People think I'm a type A personality, but I think I'm authentically the type B laid back type. But mother never allowed it. Once she came back into my life in 2005 I was doing fine. But it was a fly by the seat of my pants sort of life. But I had everything covered. Nothing was undone, like mother claiming it was. I was living a good life. Look for that when you feel stressed for no reason. You might be living to please a malignant narcissist. Joan Shttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07775873193806083833noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1486425189777141800.post-24365367396865227882016-02-27T07:22:00.001-08:002016-02-27T07:22:31.004-08:00I Feel Proud<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I have something about myself that I just discovered that is giving me a sense of pride. Someone gave us a treat of moose steaks. Now this is a rare treat. We can't hunt for moose as easily as they did in the pioneer days, we have to put our names in a draw and hope you get to get one. Then go out and try to shoot one, another chance you won't get it. So having these couple of pieces is definitely rare. <br />
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Well, to get on with what I'm proud of, I noticed how everyone is very fond of moose around here, that is, they enjoy it regardless of it being the toughest meat ever. I knew this and I knew how to cook it so that it is so good, the only problem is there is never enough. That good. <br />
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I discovered how to do this by reading old books of the pioneer days, such as Little House on the Prairie, and other books, I used to read a lot of them in my early twenties. My favorite was a book written by a pioneer woman who lost her husband in a wagon turnover, and she was left pregnant and alone. From there the town married her to a widower with a little girl of the age of three. She knew nothing of children and suddenly she was the mother of a three year old. She did not know her new husband at all. And she was barely able to grieve the loss of her husband. The town thought it was proper for her to be married, since she was pregnant, and this way she would be provided for. But she did not know him at all.<br />
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The day they got married, he took off for a few weeks to work, and she was left alone with the child. When he got back, she still did not know him. I don't remember much more of the story, and I don't remember the title of the book. I would often read stories like this and it fascinated me. <br />
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Well, from one of them, don't know which, I learned how to make moose meat perfect without spoiling the taste of the moose. I just fry them up all the way. This is what people usually do, and proceed to cut the pieces up very small and then settle down to the long act of chewing. Now, lots of the people from my books lived on wild game lots. It was a way of survival, for farming was tricky and living was hard. With hunting, they did not have to bother with the lottery of winning a chance to hunt. They just went out and hunted when need be. They were responsible for the most part. <br />
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So after I fry them up in the pan really well, I make gravy from what is left in the pan. Then I put this in the oven to "stew" for a while. Usually an hour or two. The only problem is that there is never enough. <br />
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I know how to cook a lot of things from reading those books. I know how to bake a pie over an open fire too. Its weird, for my mother never taught me anything. I was left to fend for myself at an early age. It is only by chance I developed a love of old books.Joan Shttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07775873193806083833noreply@blogger.com10