A Little Bit of Fear Gone

First of all, I have to  say what I'm about to talk about may be taboo.  I'm not sure if it is as I don't seem to have the social skills to decide if it is or not, but I have to talk about it.  For my sake.  If it is wrong then so be it.

I watched the movie, "Jodi Arias-Dirty Little Secret", on the lifetime channel.  Scary, then I had a strange dream about it.  I dreamt that I went over to see Jodi to give her relationship advice.  I guess its because it looked like in the movie that she needed it.  Yep, in my dreams I can go anywhere at any place and at any time.  While I was talking to her she agreed with me and said she would take my advice but then something dawned on me.  She was going to kill Travis Alexander and I was right with them just before it was going to happen.  Forget the relationship advice.  She wasn't a woman in love and didn't know how to be authentic with a man.  She was a narcissist that couldn't take being rejected.  I was trying to get out of there, I had no idea how, then I tried to talk to Travis about what was going to happen but he wouldn't listen to me.  How could he?  Who would expect that?  I was trying to tell him and he wouldn't listen and I'm stammering, and I looked crazy.  At that point I woke up.

I've a had a plan to call my family to take the sting out of this secret I've been keeping from them.  If I can verbally express to family members that mother was MN then surely I can go a little more in depth about mother here in this blog.  I've been wanting to make an exact description as to how mother was really like. She was rather different than most of the narcs that I read about online.  For my purposes I need to go into that.  I've been a little afraid to, as someone from my FOO will recognize it and come on here, but I am prepared for that, maybe.  I have been thinking about that too, along with all the secrets that I tend to keep.  I always feel like I'm hiding something.  And the longer I hide it the worse it gets.  I decided to open pandora's box.  I wanted to take the sting out of this being a secret.  Get it out into words of speech.  Then if they find my blog then they won't be surprised.  Maybe?  Oh, well.  Basically, what I am saying that bringing it out into the open made this less "secretive" and hopefully I could feel better.

I made a couple of phone calls.  I called my aunt first (mother's sister).  She been helping mother to doctor's appointments and stuff from the last time we talked, and so I told her that mother told me that she liked to see me miserable.  I told her some other things too that mother did to me while I was taking care of her.  The abusive behaviour and that mother has been calling me a whore since childhood.  Of course, I was expecting denial.    What else could I expect?  "We were abused as children ourselves, your mother doesn't mean it."  And the one I was expecting the most of all, "She is not educated."  Of course that one would come.  I was prepared with counter claims because I have educated myself and have some very good insights now.  I did not waver one bit.  I even said I will not be accepting any excuses anymore.  I lost it all taking care of mother and the truth has got to come out now.  I want everyone to pull away from mother.  That no one should be taking care of her, she is toxic to everyone around her and must go back to her doctor and tell him she has burned all her bridges.  Maybe he can help.

Yep, I said that.  I didn't feel uncomfortable doing so either.  It was ok.  It was by this little bit of exposure I was able to continue.  Truth was on my side here.  I learned to depend on that more than anything.

My aunt said my mother has always been nasty, even to her.  My aunt is not an MN, and yes she told me mother has been abusive to her as well.  We talked about her and mother as they were growing up.  And yes, their childhood was indeed abusive.  She even told me mother may have disappeared permanently into psychopathy in order to cope.  That is going over the edge.  No one can come back from.  I started to feel a bit sorry for mother.  How can my claims of abusive be any more different?  I started to think about this.  While all that stuff is true, they were abused, then it was up to her and mother to find a way to cope and not allow the abuse to continue to the next generation.  Mother has found many ways to survive through life and none had included caring for her children.  In fact we were punished for something we had no control over.  She was abused, fine I get that, but this is planet earth.  This place can be hell sometimes.  Find a way to cope with it properly is all I can say.

My aunt said, she doesn't see mother too often.  My sister and her daughter is taking care of mother, as mother bought them a car.  Mother is too hard to be around and I can see how the desire for my aunt to escape mother was too hard for her to hide.  See how denial goes?  It is all a big lie to not accept the truth and truth is what you have already accepted so you try to swindle yourself into believing crap.  It is crazy.

I also talked about my brothers wife about her being MN as well.  "No kidding.  She is horrible".  My aunt said.  She didn't even dismiss my claims that my brothers wife is a complete psychopath.  "That is why your mother doesn't get along with her, they are the same."  Continuing along this vein, my aunt was getting a little peeved at the both of them, and I know how emotions can go.  Maybe I would get the truth this time?

Unfortunately, the conversation fell apart.  She was in denial, oh yeah, but she was not dismissing my claims at the same time.  I think I surprised her with my phone call, which was good, that way I could get at the truth.  She had no time to think of a lie.  Not that she is a lier but this is a coping mechanism for people in MN fog.  She did promise not to tell anyone about this phone call, and I told her I will never be speaking to mother again.

Next I called my sister.  I told sister what mother had said to me on my last visit with her.  My sister was shocked.  But not disbelieving me she said she could not stop taking care of mother.  My sister was a very calm person before.  Now she is hyper over the top.  Not like her really.

This is not the first time of NC with mother.  We all got a break for 20 years.  During this time mother had a boyfriend that didn't want us kids around.  We all went peaceably through life for that time and somehow we were able to live a normal life.  Even with our claws missing and souls torn out, life was good without mother.  Well better than her in it.  I still felt bullied and had a hard time. But it was better with no mother.

Mother's boyfriend dumped her then, then laid all her care unto us.  And mother won't have anything to do with my last remaining brother that is still alive.  Its because of his wife.  She is a malignant narcissist as well.  I have heard MN's get along well together, but doesn't seem to be the case with my family.

So what does mother's abusive childhood have to do with becoming a psycho?  Being cruel and mean and spiteful?  I can only see them becoming more compassionate really.  And how does this poor illiterate woman become an expert at triangulation and gaslighting?  Seems to me this would be impossible.  Maybe I'm thinking of this too simplistically, but I really don't care.

My sister and I talked endlessly.  She was aware of my mental state and is glad that I am doing better. But mother needs care.  She didn't throw me under the bus however.  It seems weird that these two phonecalls didn't deny my claims, just said mother can't help it.  I worry about my sister though.  She is not the same at all.  But see how they can't lie when they are taken by a surprise phonecall?

I stood my ground and it wasn't hard.  I suppose the next time it won't be so easy as they will be prepared and I may have to dig my heels in deeper.

My sister called me back yesterday.  She asked if I will be willing to see mother now.  I told her no, didn't she hear me the night before?  She said, yes but was hoping I would change my mind.  And she said, "Since you said you were feeling better you should see mother now."  I told her we had no mother, never.  She then told me she is done with me.  Goodbye.

So we were at NC and now we are NC.  Ok, I hope mother is proud.  None of us can talk to eachother.  I made an effort to try to reach out to a sibling, and it was for nothing.  I recommend to anyone like me, if you are at NC then don't make any attempt to try to change that.  I was a scapegoat, and while everyone in my family was abused, I was not allowed any boundaries, and basically told to see mother or sister won't have anything to do with me.  But my goal here was not to try to repair things in my FOO.  My intended goal was to escape the secret.

It's frustrating.  My children don't act like that.  They are close to eachother and I'm sure that will never change for any reason.  Even if I became a psycho tomorrow my children will be NC with me and they will stick together on it.

But my aunt wants me to call back sometime.  I think she gets the idea.  But everyone is on mother's side and feels sorry for her.  Mother is a horrible person and no one disagreed with me.  But that is the way it is.  I think I may call my aunt sometime.  But I am piling lots of education on myself.  Own my recovery and try to just be me without any secrets.  All my life I felt like I couldn't talk about things, and this sucks.  I hate that feeling, just hate it.

So my sister says mother is horrible but she can handle her?  And I couldn't?  So I must risk myself by putting myself under the gun again or I get ignored.  Not that I'm blaming my sister.  We have all been persecuted by mother, and in no way can my sister handle mother.  Her daughter (my niece) will have to be on call regularly with that car and be hated if she isn't.  That's the way it is.  That car is mother's property and so is my niece now.  I might intervene sometime in the future, I don't know.

I felt that way during the dream I had of Jodi Arias.  Trying to tell Travis the truth and he wouldn't listen while I was sure as sure can be he would be killed that night.  This may be taboo to talk about, but this is how my mind works, and its nothing against Travis.  I am not trying to use his tragedy to promote myself here.  That is not my intent.  My intent was that the dream was about me saying the truth, even though it is not accepted.  To not accept another version of the truth.  To live in truth and stay there.

I guess I found my way through.  I don't have to try to face the panic and the fear.  I just accept them like I do my eyes and nose.  They are all part of me.  I can now post anything I want to on here and I'm not afraid of the consequences of anyone finding out about it.  Parts that are even very specific such as when I cut my foot with an axe when I was thirteen years old and no one even seemed to notice.  That used to bother me talking about that.  That's too specific  But I'm ok with it all now.

I guess I had to pay the price to call.  Now I am more ostracisized from the family but I can be open here like I haven't been able to.  Not that I told anyone about the blog, but now that they know how I feel that I'm no longer in the darkness, somehow made me feel better about writing.

Also too, I just learned that it is better to try than not to try.  I am always so afraid of something.  I don't think its the fear that's the problem, its making decisions from a place of fear is the culprit.  So I make the fear ok along with all parts of me, its ok.  We all have "warts" so to speak.

I learned this from my favorite relationship site.  The one I have been going to, to free me from abusive relationships.  "Face your Fear"?  I have no idea what that even means and therapists have been telling me that.  But I can stop before I make a decision from a place of fear. Make the fear ok, it is there to protect us.  It is not the enemy.  But decisions were not designed to be made from fear. Fear is there as a warning, heed that warning, listen to it.  Accept it.  Then it has less power to force you to make a decision from it.  It has cleared my thinking.  Once I accepted it it left me.  Then I was able to make the decision.  "Face your Fear"?  Nah.  Just accept it instead.  Facing my fear has only served to compound the fear, treating it like the enemy, instead of the enemy I was trying to fight, I was fighting myself essentially.