I have so much on the go, in my head and in my household and today I'm supposed to be handing in my quilting blocks. I'm learning to quilt, its amazing, I love it. I'm learning it. Lots of fun.
It just seems like my life right now is not about sitting at my quilting class when I got caught lying to my husband over hiding some money. I seem to have this policy to, "When in doubt keep it a secret". Its not like he's really mad at me. He just said he can't really trust me. And now with not handing in my quilting blocks I feel like a crappy person. Just so much going on I can't seem to fulfill these obligations.
My husband thinks life can be so easy. I can't get my head around that. He thinks lies are for manipulation and control and he sees me as a horrendous person. When I look at the situation I can see what I'm doing. I just can't get those words out of my body. I know that truth just sometimes can not serve my purposes. I learned this lesson and it was a lesson I can't seem to get out of.
And now I can't hand in my quilting blocks. I'm just not able to sit in my quilting class and work on them. I'm really behind and right now my mind is on other things. I've been feeling disconnected too. All this stuff going on, and I can't sit and just talk about tea parties and superfluous things. I'm a basketcase.
This feels like a crisis. I went to my favorite site that helps me at times like this. I saw this posting about, "Stop trying to do the right thing". Also, "Don't try to be the woman who fits in." It sounds silly I know and this has really been helping me. I thought I would focus on the day, and maybe just try to do the dishes. I know my intentions are to make my life better, but some days I do fall on my butt. I can't focus on those blocks right now, if I do my head will explode.
Truth is, I keep lots of secrets. I'm tightfisted with money. I'll put it away, and if it's needed too bad. I once ate in a charity soup kitchen with thousands in the bank. People think that's crazy. Ok, maybe I am crazy, but I think that that makes sense. Truth doesn't always help you. Truth can be a killer and if you are not careful it can come back and bite you in the butt. I can't imagine having no money, it makes me feel too vulnerable. Yes, I have been poor, still I manage to save it. I don't really know how I save it, I just do.
When he came back to me and asks me what other secrets I've been keeping from him, I tell him I just can't talk about it right now. He's been acting like I've been having some kind of love affair, I assured him I'm on the up and up, just habits I have. I can't seem to not have secrets.
I told him, "If you think lying is only for manipulators, then you are in a fancy pansy world." We've often heard that there is no excuse for lying. Lying is bad, watch out for liers.
So I'm having trouble coping with everyday stuff until we get this sorted out. All I know is that I can't be blamed anymore, I'm really just coping.
I think there is a HUGE difference between lies and secrets. I tend to commit "sins of omission", which I do feel guilty about, but they tend to be self-protective rather than something destructive. Letting my parents know when I was troubled or needed help was a very bad idea, so I stopped doing it. It's been carried over into my adult life.
ReplyDeleteOMG gosh yes. This. This is exactly what is happening to me.
ReplyDeleteBut I must say, lately I've been committed to not being blamed. This is not about playing games with people, this is about survival. Maybe not necessary anymore, but it just don't change overnight. This has got to be one of the hugest hard parts of ACON recovery I think. Because exposure is like death. And exposure is the cure maybe.
I understand a woman hiding money, in this world, that is smart. We have to take care of ourselves. I believe every woman should save some money of her own.
ReplyDeleteOh yes, and I agree Anonymous. I think the point was that I've been caught actually lying, saying I have no money of my own. And I have been getting caught here and there with other things as well. Can't tell, its a secret.
ReplyDeleteIts crazy and makes me look bad. That is all a misunderstanding though.
I agree with anon, you have the right to keep some of your boundaries. No man needs to know every dollar you have on you. One friend of mine used to tell me a woman must always keep what she called RUNNING MONEY. I am too broke to have any. LOL but I consider this a good idea.
ReplyDeleteLol, RUNNING MONEY. Like I haven't had to do that before. Too funny. It's all ok now. He told me I don't have to spend my money, just why the big secret. I think its because men feel blamed, can't figure it out really.
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