In a Tough Spot

It has taken me a long time to admit on my public domain that my youngest daughter is a narcissist. Whether MN or N remains to be seen.  I know the difference and evidence has not come my way. She is young and in her twenties I can hope and pray for change, or I can choose to live in reality that she is grown up now, past the age of narcissism being normal in a child.

I was afraid to admit it because, well, someone might think I caused her to be that way.  I have already told you I had the most deplorable men in my life.  I have tried to figure that out and I have, but too late to make the real change for my children.

And she just had a baby.  It is hard for her to be around me.  I'm not sure why.  Maybe, I am too hard on her, I caught her in a lie, I won't let her manipulate me.  I am here to be a mom, and I believe that it is my job to present her with the truth.  It would be so much easier to bury my head in the sand.

Yes, bury my head in the sand.  Let's forget the truth, that they cannot change and just believe she will change.  I can just go about planting my flowers, moving on with life and pretending that everything will be ok.  And I can forget about that baby boy she just had.

But I will still worry, because she is in college and I worry about her finding employment.  That is on top of everything else I worry about.

I have made a mistake with her.  With all my trying, the only thing I am accomplishing is trying to force my will on her.  It is not working.  She has yet to contact me.  On my last post I said I was going over to see her and just sit on her doorstep until she comes around.  Now I feel that is a huge error to make.  It will only invade her boundaries.  I am a firm believer in boundaries.  I want this to get better and I won't do that by going all narcissistic or panicky or go crazy.  There has to be a better way.

This argument was caused by only one lie.  And I felt I had it with that because she lies all the time, so it wasn't just that one lie.  Can I take this just one lie at a time?  And hope to God that I can keep my senses about me?  I can only live one day at a time.  It is by my ACONness that I am so angry. Trusting in her is not going to work.  Trusting that she knows best is not going to work.

We live one day at a time.  I have already decided that I can't go NC with her.  So much about reading and learning on the blogs and I can't figure out the complicated stuff.  It is a mother's job to worry and pray.  That is what we do.  A normal mother that is.

She will contact me at some point.  I have the other two kids on it.  They are aware of all this stuff, and know that she does lie.  Does constant lying make a narcissist?  I'm not sure, but she was diagnosed with it, and she told me that, so I go by the hope that I can keep everything open at least.

This is life.  So my next goal, when she contacts me, is to stop myself from going ballistic.  This is hard and this is what I have to do.