Got my taxes done today. It was due early on in the year, but I procrastinated on it. But this was actually tough. Any paperwork pertaining to me and I'm a wreck. It feels that after the person does my paperwork, knows so much about me now, they must now be put to death. Because I feel like I was put to death.
When mother used to come and visit me at my apartment years ago, she would go through my paperwork. The woman can't read or write, but was able to tell if a bill was overdue or not. Then she would broadcast it to the world. At the time I was dating right before I met my current husband, she told everyone in the building I was out whoring around. But everyone says mother has a big heart, you just can't see it.
At that time I was earning $40 an hour. Had a substantial savings account, but couldn't even look at my bills. I went to a therapist and she helped me organize a way to pay my bills online. And the rest automatically taken out. My job was almost gone, as I was going bat crap crazy, and couldn't keep my place in this world. Soon I couldn't pay anymore bills. Apply for unemployment, again.
I hated losing it all. Couldn't function normally either and mother now expected me to keep a super clean apartment because I was home all day now. Even when I was working with 3 kids at home, she felt it was necessary I wash all my floors everyday, and screamed at me over it. When I had no money mother yelled at me over some rust growing on the car, but this was mother's game. A malignant narcissist is out for soul murder. Don't forget that one.
One time I sat in a crisis line for mental health at the hospital. There were six chairs in the office, three on each side. There was a man brought in by two police officers. There was one chair on one side and two beside me, the only chairs not occupied. The man sat on the other side and the two police men sat on either side of me. People were walking by and I was sure I was stared at with these two big police officers on either side of me. They were tactical officers with the whole gamut of weapons and protective gear. On either side of me! Of course this would happen, I was just wondering when a big smelly man was going to make his appearance and sit on my lap. My life was like a sitcom. Heck, I should have been getting paid to just live.
This was not planned but unfortunate incidents plagued me and I could expect them.
Even now it feels like I'm highjacking every ACON site imaginable, and I feel like they are telling eachother to run when they see my name in the comment section. And they are not putting eachother on their lists in case I find them. It feels like people are trying to hide from me. And I also feel like some have left because of me.
My mother liked my last ex, she thought he was a good man. He sleeps all day but he is a good man. My current husband got rid of mother. She won't talk to me for years now because of him. So I can't be preaching about NC when I didn't do it, mother did. I call it "Locked in her Own Scheme". She won't talk to me till I get rid of him. Her words. I was worried as mother is sick and elderly and I would certainly have to apologize or something. I only have so much time left with mother. I procrastinated on that then I awakened to the truth and found the blogging world of ACON's. Now I don't care to ever see her again. But I thought she did love me in her own way. How anyone would recover without the internet I have no idea.
Lately, I feel like I have been overtaking the boards and in one blog even told the person to shove the narcissist outside the door. I believe in being present with people and found a nasty side to me, and its not helpful. That wasn't what that person needed and I failed to be present with them. Oh, I am aware narcs are not good to have around. Not even for 5 minutes. Its better to sleep with a rattlesnake. I know that person doesn't believe narcs are good to have around either, but in the present moment her situation was different. I'm not really like that either, I actually cower to other people and feel strange to be lashing out. This thing about narcs gets to me. I don't even feel like they should be out volunteering or donating food at the food bank where I volunteer. It seems to me that a poisoning event will capture an amazing amount of narcissistic supply, so we shouldn't be risking it. Everyone should be tested for narcissism just in case. They can effect a whole society.
These feelings that I have don't envelope all real life issues, so I should be more supportive. Not go on my own tirade. That blog owner told me to not censor my feelings about things so its ok. I understand that, and I realize we have all been hurt.
I don't want to be blamed anymore for the crazy person I have become. But I do know that doesn't allow my crazy behaviour to hurt other people, so I have to be a little more careful. Surely, I can vent those feelings much more effectively rather than taking it out on others. Its not what I want to be like even in the aftermath of this terrible war.
They say being paranoid is having all the facts. Is your feeling of hyper vigilance built in a vacuum when it comes to a narcissistic mother? I know I have spent a lifetime worrying about people hurting me or "getting me". Sometimes it seems when I let down my guard here they come running hell bent for destruction. I was told my mother had a big heart you couldn't see it. Everyone just wanting me to join their denial parade. Sorry she sought to destroy you after you lost your good job and wore you out with the screaming about cleaning. I had those abuses, where I was never clean enough, as an adult my apartment was never clean and organized enough for visits, that was the excuse anyway. The snob Nsis would even look around in disgust.
ReplyDeleteI am happy with your comments and participation on my blog. I am sorry others are not treating you well.
Oh no, everyone is treating me well. Just paranoid is all. Just this feeling I get, actually irrational.
ReplyDeleteI actually can trace each and every bad feeling I have back to mother. Knowing now what I know, I would have thrown that elderly woman on the street in the middle of the night in the dead of winter, I don't care anymore. I will keep my compassion for good people from now on. I actually wish I could have a lobotomy cause now every day is torture, even knowing all this stuff. Sometimes I feel like I will drive straight into the ditch the way I feel. But happy days are coming.
Mother was evil and torturous. And not good. Sometimes I can see the robotic "eyes" I one time viewed as "love". How I sacrificed everything to feed this bottomless narcissistic supply is the anger I feel. I sometimes fantasize about visiting her on her deathbed. I will say in front of everyone, "How's the psycho today?" Then I will watch the eyes that Bette Davis wish she had. This will be an adventure.
Joan, why wouldn't you be angry? In fact, furious? Really, a lifetime of abuse and you're just suppose to be magically OK with it? I don't think so! And if you believe shoving the N out the door is the best and most HONEST response, what's "wrong" with saying it? I've been a LOT more direct than that with my responses at times to different Blogs and hey, everyone survived ;) Yk that "Maybe hitting the "Enter" key wasn't really such a great idea" feeling? It passes too. I'd rather be honest than assume the Blogger is too 'delicate' to hear some truthful feedback on their Post. IMO, that's why they put it out there and I'd really feel I was somehow disempowering them and being disingenuous to me and them if I simply gave them some kind of PC response. I guess it seems somehow disrespectful to tell people what I *think* they want to hear rather than the Truth of my experiences-and I hope that makes some sense.
ReplyDeleteHow do you mean you've "become a crazy person?" Being angry/furious is a normal response to an abnormal situation not of your making and not one which you could do anything about except adapt to survive. You were just a child, Joan, a Little One who was utterly defenseless, who was born like we all are, hard-wired to bond with our primary caretaker(s)-that just science, yk? With your own kids I have no doubt particularly when they were little, you experienced directly how much they deeply craved your attention and approval, right? (Like all the time!) Well, we weren't any different.
We know by the time we're 2 and certainly by 3 if our caretaker(s) leave us, we will die: We're not able to survive on our own. That's a pretty hefty "incentive" to do what ever we have to do to ensure our "Mother" will love us-and we persist in believing they DO love us-"deep down" in that bottomless pit of their endless "ME! ME! ME!" world. The one where we're located to take care of THEM rather than them taking care of us. It's all completely backwards.
Who cared for you growing up, Joan? Who protected you? Who unconditionally loved and accepted you? Who gave you a sense of being a good human being in this world, a person of intrinsic value and worth, not "measured" in dollars and cents? Who told you, "Yes, you CAN achieve what ever you dream of?" Who supported and encouraged your increasing independence?<Is that not what we do as parents among other fundamental tasks, applaud our child's increasing INDEpendence instead of fostering their continuing DEpendence? Who picked you up when you fell, helped you try again and again until you mastered what ever skill you were trying to learn? Who encouraged you to foster your talents-like learning to take your pictures here on your Blog?
See what I'm sayin'? You're a mom: You know how guileless and innocent children truly are, how much they depend on us, how much they love and trust us to keep them safe and loved. Providing food, clothing and shelter are the bare-bones minimum for survival: Remember, these are also provided by orphanages, jails and prisons. Those come with the job description of "Parent" ;) so that's not some kind of "crowning achievement" by the parent/adult.
Thoughts? Feelings? Experiences?
TW
I think sometimes I'm crazy, but I know this is a very normal coping mechanism for what I have been through. Why do we have to be past the age of fixing this all up, before we wake up? Seems unfair. I blamed the panic disorder on myself, then I woke up to the truth now I'm damn mad. Oh, and my husband takes the pictures for my blog as I can't hold a camera still. He does a good job of even finding the best spots.
ReplyDeleteI never got unconditional love growing up. Even if I said something "wrong" even at the age of three, I would get the silent treatment. It was a confusing time. When mother needed me for supply I was there, held close, told I was loved, then mercilessly cast aside when she was filled up.
It seems strange, but in my case an engulfing mother never intended me to grow up. But grow up when needed to and care for yourself, if that makes any sense. I was never taught anything. I used to even go play up on the rocks in my bare feet and this was allowed. Until a guest arrived and was told what a bad kid I was. Spanked accordingly, for "misbehaving".
Yes I want to tell other people to throw the narcs out. But I believe it just isn't helpful to them at times. The hurt, the damage a narc can do, might as well sleep with a rattlesnake, then take your antivenom then you'll be fine.
You do a good job here on the blogs. Where is your blog? It seems to indicate that you have one. I can't find it. And you come from a place of caring for people and everyone can see that. From me it just looks like I'm "showing off" or I just feel like it does. We all have to work from where we are at, I guess.
Thanks, Joan but I don't have a Blog-I'm a techno moron, my hands don't work too well and my internet is "intermittent"-the price I pay for living in the boonies, eh?! Anyway, other Bloggers are generous enough to entertain my responses which is really nice, yk?
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like your MN "Mother" swung wildly between Engulfing and Ignoring, much like mine. I think the longest and hardest Legacy for me is really centered around this behavior: "Now be a Child," "Now be an Adult." The having to jump back and forth between the world of Adults (which was completely inappropriate) and the world of Children was very confusing, hurtful and just plain crazy making. When an adult expropriates a childhood from a child for their own edification for what ever "reason," they have stolen that which can NEVER be restored. We're way too old in some ways, yet in others, way too young-I at least was really lacking some basic skills for living in this world. The price to pay for those "holes" in my skills was very, very steep not surprisingly.
I bet living surrounded by nature-if the pictures are any indication of where you live-is really calming. Even though I grew up in a large metro area, I would never return to live in a city. I've been away for too long and now, I can't seem to filter all the stimuli that's a part of city life-it just seems like so much. To visit for a concert etc. is fine, but living there? Nope! I'm also pretty wired as a result of growing up with a CB "Mother" so I get what you mean about holding the camera steady. sigh. I'm not sure I could either at this point. Nonetheless, the pictures are lovely and thank you for them-I really enjoy them!
My hands are quitting on me so I will catch up with you later, hands and internet willing ;)
TW
Hi TW, Aw I wish you did have a blog. Seems that yeah we do have similar experiences. I wish I could stop the nervousness, and although I know why it is, I'll probably never be able to stop it.
ReplyDeleteIt is calming out here, it is also one of the oldest geological sites in the world. I like going into town and visiting the kids, and my grandkids. I have a new grandson 2 days old. I just got to the hospital right when he was born, darn have to live so far. But its ok though. I am away from my siblings and mother and they don't bother my kids. They don't even know who they are.
But I did manage very well to be in a big public place, at the hospital, then to other granddaughter's Christmas school concert, then back to the hospital. I spent the whole day like that, around lots of people and it was fine for the most part. But I was with my kids so that helped.
Thanks, I'll tell hubby you like the pictures. We'll be out getting some more soon.