I woke up this morning with this feeling I'm disconnected again so I got online to read the blogs. I read about recovery and how they are feeling and the relief I felt doing so was horrible. I hate that I feel that way. Did someone else have to suffer for me to have the opportunity to have people I can connect with?
I have been having this vision lately. I see this little boy, he is sitting in a classroom his head so caked up with dandruff that it was falling on his shoulders. He was staring straight down, and the other kids were making fun of him. He was not defending himself. The adults around him couldn't figure out what was going on with this little boy. He was so quiet and didn't even seem to be aware of what was going on around him. He was in his own world. This was where he stayed.
None of the adults can figure it out. I know! I know what's going on with him. He has retreated, that makes him safe. It is not the dandruff that bothers him, for he barely notices it. I know that! He has no safe place to go ever, even at home, which he is tricked into believing it is safe there. His mom makes homemade bread.
My mom used to make homemade bread. The smell would be even permeating through the front door of the house. I would go home ready to dive into that bread. I would sit down at the table with my bread. Mother would be all nurturing, then suddenly she would mutter something to me, barely audible, "You are selfish".
She acted so bipolar, that shortly after I started to believe she was. It wasn't long I realized after a lifetime of counselling sessions and being out in the world of trying to figure out what was going on with me, I met some actual bipolar people. It was different. I don't know, I could just tell. I know narcs are tricky, and something that feels like my spidey senses tell me when a person is evil. I don't know.
That little boy I want to take him home with me, and maybe just give him a big bunch of acceptance.
I went to see my optometrist the other day, and you know what he told me? Well, sorry have to back that one up a little. He put these drops in my eyes and sat me down in the waiting room and said I would have to wait 20 minutes. He came back in 20 minutes and saw me reading a magazine. He asked, "You can see that?"
I said, "Yes, but it is really blurry."
"You can read through the blur?"
He brought me back to the examining room and he told me that my ability to see through blur is "uncanny'. Those were his exact words. He continued the examination. He said the inner workings of my eyes were perfect. The optic nerve and everything. I started to see him better in a few minutes and the look on his face was one of shock, I believe. Maybe its good genetics or did I develop uncanny eyes for survival purposes? Like a horror movie? Who knows. I'm no spring chicken so I get the feeling that my eyes should be aging by now.
Back to the little boy. Yep, just a whole pile of acceptance. He is out there and I want to go find him, but I'm not there yet. I want to help people so badly, especially the children. Take him home, give him love. I might be loony for saying this, but oh well. I love that little boy already.
I'm not a man, so how am I seeing a boy? I don't know.
I don't think anyone suffered any more than you did-remember, you were living in your own hell that was customized by your abuser to extort the greatest pain from you with the least amount of effort on their part. sigh. Once they get us trained, they can promise to bring down a world of hurt just by a certain look. That's a lifetime of suffering-alone-right there. Stumbling on the "right" people makes a world of difference; you're not carrying the burden alone anymore. There's relief just in that knowledge. I don't think it's uncommon for people to think Bi-Polar when trying to conceptualize the NP's behavior. After all, it seems we're more likely to hear about Bi-Polar than Cluster B Personality Disorders so that (former) paradigm seems to kinda "fit" yk?
ReplyDeleteIs it possible that little boy actually represents you? You as the child or now as the adult who never had a childhood? Who felt as a child and as an adult you were in your own world that kept you insulated from others and their (harsh) judgements of you? The way you've described yourself in previous Posts it seemed you felt apart from others rather than a part of other's lives as well as your own. It's awfully lonely to be there, eh? Being alone is not the same as being lonely and it seemed you felt so very alone as well as lonely for so much of your life. Your word in this Post is "disconnected" and I'm wondering if that's what you mean-alone and lonely.
Your thoughts/feelings?
TW
Thanks TW.
ReplyDeleteI usually do feel disconnected from the world, as we could never tell anyone what was going on. Even now, I think it would be nice to go into counselling again, but I'm afraid the counselor would only dismiss my claims of an early abusive childhood and go back to seeing as I did this to myself. I will not be taking the blame anymore for this, that I am certain of.
And that is why I feel it is so imperative that the word gets out about the evil narcissists. We can't talk about this in the world, we are still suffering in silence as the computer makes no noise. That is why I want to go to some random school find that little boy and get the word out. And don't get me wrong, I do love the outpouring of connection I feel right here and now. I wish I met everyone years ago.
Just that everyone on the outside treats me as crazy, I can't hold down a job, I have to work alone, as I can't stand people around me all the time. I get nervous. So yes I do feel the boy does represent me. Its because as a boy it would be easier to let people know whats going on. I don't know, I guess I believe boys are stronger, its hard for me to think of a girl in that position. To close to me. So I imagine him as a boy.
Mother was so sneaky. Still is. Everyone is thinking I'm a bad daughter to her for NC. And will tell me that if I talk to anyone again. Thats why I remain NC with everyone. I will not be taking anymore blame. Like they were blaming the little boy for his dandruff. How was that his fault? But that is what they do out here in this modern world. That's the way it is right now. Thanks again TW. Its nice to get this out
Hoo boy. All of this. But I wanted to address the 'can't stand people around me all the time. I get nervous' thing.
DeleteMy husband gets (has) to go to Europe twice a year, and I can accompany him for very minimal money if I want to. People think I am bat-crap crazy for limiting it to once a year, MAYBE. And it's because of the airplanes. To be surrounded by people and all their stuff and emotions and auras and elbows and then have the tiniest space imaginable in which to make a 'safe nest' - ugh. THEN try and open all the various food containers they bring you - they are all individually wrapped. and there is no place to go and get some breathing room. and the flights last 12 hours or more - then the connecting flights are always on the opposite side of the airport (departures vs arrivals you know) so we have to literally RUN and for chrissakes. It's so stressful for me that right now just typing it out my heart is pounding a bit. Even with Jeff sitting right next to me, all of the people and their energy is horrifying to me. And no, I cannot sleep even a little bit. THAT is a big pile of nope right there. So by the time I get to wherever we are going I am like a cat in a room full of rocking chairs and balloons. ugh.
I absolutely cannot be around people. The only thing that saved me at my last job was that I could put my headphones on and listen to music while getting down deep into an excel spreadsheet. When i was in first grade I remember getting in trouble for putting my sweater over my head and isolating myself in the classroom. I've always needed a cave to get away.
Don't forget - you DO have coping skills. You've made it this far. You can count on YOU to keep you safe. Now that you're awake, nobody is going to hurt you anymore. YOU are protecting you. And you're good at it.