Saturday, October 3, 2015
Is Emotional Pain Always Necessary?
I made this for my daughter who is suffering from hyper mobility syndrome. Its a table runner that took me all summer to make. There are 5 kinds of batiste on there.
There are some mistakes on it, but I'm learning. Actually, I got quite a bit of a lecture at my guild about hurrying through projects. Even the big quilt I'm making I didn't like too much so I decided just to use an old sheet for the backing. The sheet had some stains on it, and I made a mistake that is noticeable on it, so I said to myself so what then? I'll just get it done and over with.
One of the ladies is going to help me fix the mistake and they talked me into getting a new backing.
I decided to wait for flannellette to go on sale, until then I will get that lady's help fixing the mistake and put the quilt aside till I get the flannellette for the backing. Also, I don't know how to meander stitch yet, so I have to learn that too, in order to get the quilt done. But I did finish a welcome sign, but its at the guild right now, waiting for the fair to judge it. But I'll post a picture of it when I get it back.
Regarding the lecture. It was ok for me to be judged by someone who knew what they were talking about. "Don't rush through projects." I kind of get the feeling that being a member of a guild is a pride thing, and we can't be doing things in mediocrity, or else we get the lecture. Quilting is a demanding thing, and the demands are great. If you make a mistake, you work to fix it. You make it first class, even though there will be mistakes anyway. You will have to have self control, and the ability to understand the logic of making mistakes but doing it right anyway.
"Doing my best" was a phrase that always escaped me before. But I am starting to get it.
But I didn't feel badly when I got the lecture. I listened to the criticism with interest, as I want this type of excellence too. Not just with quilting, but in my life too. I use the word excellence and not perfection. I want to do things the best way to the best of my ability. I will challenge myself this way.
I know I got really upset over the banning of the forum I was in for 3 days. I listened to the "good mommy" inside me and she said, "Were you looking to impress these people? Was that your goal in joining? Did you get that attached to the people there after only 3 days?" Oh my. I didn't want to impress anyone and I didn't care. Again, I was only curious and I needed not be as upset as I was. I was crying rejection, when the true me didn't even care.
Oh my. Isn't that how MN mother's programming was designed to work? I didn't want to feel badly, I really didn't care, but my need for acceptance overrode my curiosity and me and my true desire for authenticity. Of course I was banned in 3 days. I think I should have been banned sooner. Maybe I wasn't authentic enough. And I got all upset over being called twisted? Oh come on. Some idiot doesn't get that much say about me. But I gave them this power over me.
Just like, I wasn't so offended by being reprimanded at the quilting guild. That was a time for me to listen and learn. And I appreciated it. Since then, I've been more meticulous over everything I'm working on in my life. I'm not striving for perfection, but actual excellence. There is a difference and its wonderful.
I think excellence is an actual authentic part of me. It's not approval seeking. You see, approval is this whole, "Love me" thing that people do. Let me put it clearer: Our hearts don't want to seek approval to be loved. We want to give and receive love just for love alone. So if I do everything to get approval, then I won't be loved for who I am. Just for that thing I do.
But, it also made me think about other things. I used to always rush through things. To get them done. I understand when your at a job and your getting paid, you got to do what your told. Perhaps. But I was doing it all, mindlessly at times.
I've been asking myself why. Why do I have to rush through things sometimes. I remember being in grade school and when we started an art project I used to tall myself that I needed to do this very well. But I never did anything as well as I wanted to. Maybe, in the beginning of my life everything I did was great, then it stopped being that way.
One of my first memories was that I would be very excited to present a project to the class, and then when I got to the front of the class with my project, I would freeze up. I know this is common in children, but I remember feeling no pride over my project. But no one in the class told me it was crap, but I believed it was and I hated everything I did.
You see, when I began a project, it was perfect in the beginning. There were no mistakes to contend with. Then later on, a mistake here and there, I was seeing what a mess I was making and I tended to want to scrap the whole thing. Just like I did on this quilt I was making. I just wanted to get er done. But the truth of the matter was that I spent 8 months working on it, I wanted to authentically do it as well as though I first started. And do my best throughout. That is why I appreciated the criticism from the guild. This is good advice, take it to everywhere you go and do in life.
Yes, things have screwed up in my life. But I wasn't given the whole share of my life. Its like in the bible when the man who got a little money and the man who got a lot. They were both expected to produce but the man with the most in the beginning, more was expected of him. I'm not good at sharing bible scripture sorry, but I think you get the gist of what I'm saying here. I did the best with what I was given, and I have to believe that.
Just like this morning. I had a dentist appointment, that I was not prepared for mentally. I forgot all about it, till this morning. I started praying about it, and guess what? At the minute I was about to leave shaking so badly inside, the dentist office called cancelling my appointment, booking it in another week and a half. Its like God steps in to protect me, I don't know, this seems to always happen. You see, I have to live with bad nerves and its like God makes these adjustments to get me through. I know you are probably saying that it would have been better to get it over with. But it don't work that way with me, my nerves are too bad, I have to be prepared.
When I prayed for God to help make me a patient person, I got the idea to join the quilting guild. I don't remember how that happened. Patience is the name of the game, if you want to quilt, and do it right. Actually, the other guild members seem to have a low tolerance for those lacking patience, so this is good therapy for me. And I appreciate their guidance and I never take it badly. My nerves are not going crazy, and I'm never freaking out. I am just listening intently.
And I was wanting to learn to make chicken and dumplings. Such a simple thing, but my dumplings all fall apart. So my friend is teaching me that tomorrow. She is giving me the recipe and a demo. This is such a good friend, a real Christian lady. Very charitable, she reaches out to everyone. I just overheard her telling someone at church that she was making chicken and dumplings, and I shared my problem with it, and now I'm going for a demo. I really love dumplings, and mother never taught me how to cook, I learned everything on my own. Plus some help of good friends, and taking chances on my own.
She also gave me some relationship advice. I told her some of the issues we have been having, and she basically said to forget about the trip he went on without me. She told me to forget about what happens next time. She told me to forget all about that stuff. She said that I can get him to want to be around me so much that being away from me will be impossible. This goes right along with the relationship advice I learn online. That is what we are to do. No grumbling.
I know it sounds hurtful, but it is what it is. He preferred to be out there without me. That's just a plain old fact. There was not enough value here with me. That is a commitment issue. We are not to expect things from people. We are to give. And in the giving we get back what we need in life. Sounds so hard now, with narcissists all over the place, but it still works with the normal people out there.
So this value is like money. Only worth a whole lot more. We get back in exchange. But we are not supposed to try to do it for that reason, but it happens regardless. If you buy a gum for a penny, we can't expect costly array or fine furniture for that penny. No can do. We have to earn through giving. We have to be worth more than that bubblegum. I know some people might disagree with me, this is just my opinion. It does seem to work that way. Take it from someone who's been engulfed by a narcissist. These are the things that I'm learning. I have sat down and been present with some people and it is working out well.
Also, any love you have to give, give to yourself first. You are not giving anything from a dry well. It is strictly from the bible of where it says you have to love your neighbour as yourself. So give yourself that love you have been craving, it is possible. I know we were trained to hate ourselves and distrust any love we give to ourselves. We want someone else to give it to us, but we have to be adept at giving it to ourselves. Then it has more value to others. Just practice loving yourself, that's all. Practice it like its an artform.
Oh, and another thing I've learned. By not seeking approval we will talk a lot less. I know I've said that before, but let me put it another way, we will not be ignored when we are talking. The other person puts more value in what you are saying. My DH listens to me lately because he knows darn well that when I'm talking I'm not just babbling away. And that was always tiring for him, taking emotional resources from him just to listen to me all the time. I'm not saying babbling sometimes is not good. But to balance ourselves.
It also gives me the opportunity to feel a lot more. I was almost tempted to say something though when a bug landed on me and I squealed a little. He didn't tease me he only laughed. Not the proper bushwoman I know, and I felt rather embarrassed. I stopped myself in time from explaining myself and just decided to laugh right along with him. So I feel more, and for me this is very good. So if a bug lands on you and it scares you don't push away the feeling, just go with it. Don't try to explain it away either, to no one. That will earn you so much respect, because it is confidence in action.
I noticed that he put up the pictures he took while he was away on his "booty call". They are sitting right here in our computer. Or "live titty show." I saw one of the pictures then went on an emotional tirade over it again. I told him that he will have to take those pictures of the computer or I'll delete them. He told me to delete them then. He didn't care. But I have to tell you that in the pictures that his brother had a very scared look in his eyes that jutted right out at me from the screen. I only looked at that one picture, I was too hurt to look at the rest. But that was terrifying. His wife was taking the picture I assume, and he was forced to look directly at her. I wish I could post that picture up for everyone to see, you will see what I mean.
I noticed that I am crying all the time. It is making him feel crazy I think. It looks like he is ready to scream. First it was the trip, then it was the pictures, and any other issue. I contacted my relationship therapist, and she has yet to get back to me. I am asking her how do I get him to buy me her latest course for $1800. Because I was going through the internet at some other experts on this stuff and they only charge $40-80 for their stuff. Some of the stuff I read for free from them hits very close to home on the authenticity issue. I mean its very good stuff, and I have been using it. But, when your man is being an asshat the proper thing to do is circular date. Yep. Go out an meet new men (not to date with per say, but to boost your confidence lever). Ok, ha ha. So men boost my confidence? Isn't that my job? Lay aside the morality issue her for a second, but if I wanted to circular date I would be doing it already. And I don't want to. I know I joked about it a time or two on my blog but seriously, I'm into this man alone, and if a relationship guru doesn't understand that, then that's just them not being available or being present. I believe any woman who goes online seeking advice on this issue, feels the exact way I do. Actually, the whole idea of circular dating makes me ill. Don't go tell a heartbroken woman to go out and find a new man. Yes, she can do it, but she doesn't want to. Help her right now with what she is feeling. Go, put on the tea kettle, sit down and relax and feel everything right along with her. Give her your presence.
From my own relationship site, I learned that crying is good when its authentic. Its ok to cry for hours if you feel like it. But it makes my DH look like he is ready to go through the ceiling. I mean, picture a baby crying and the mother (if she is not a narcissistic) gets hormones running through her body that calls her to take action and do something. For babies are very authentic. That is the way it is in relationships too. But I had to ask her how come he looks like he is ready to lose it? Isn't authentic crying a visible explicit vulnerability. All I can do is be authentic, for if I try to cover up my feelings there is no connection. Everything has to be heard and very visible. We communicate through our emotions, men don't hear words. Words are interpreted by our own logic, but emotions are universal.
When my kids were little and they cried I would ask them what was wrong. And they hardly could ever tell me. They just felt bad. They only had the feelings. Feelings are not always right or wrong, or even rational. They are just feelings, but we should be able to feel them instinctively and not just fear them and make them go away. But I think, you are only alive when you feel is all, right or wrong. Just like pain. Now, we don't always have to experience pain in our lives. We can escape it when we make the right decisions, but right decisions are not always going to be available to us. Or someone else comes in and causes the pain. When we have to experience it we just have to, its just the way it is.
If it were up to me, I would mortgage the house to pay $1800 for that course. Anything coming from there I trust so well. Before them, I was barely a shell able to cope. I know I said that before. They do so much more than teach about relationships. And they don't teach us to try to manipulate men, like some do. "Commitment now or I'm off." It is not at the heart of a true woman.
I had to experience rejection. Now, I could have just laughed it off, just like the good mommy told me to, but I felt rejection instead. Over somthing that I didn't even care about in the first place. I wasn't on that forum to cause trouble, only to learn and be myself. But I lost that abilty and experienced rejection instead. So I didn't even have to go through that pain did I?
I did because MN mother programmed me that way. I will have to experience pain, for that is what she liked. Not for my sake but for her sake. She wanted to feel good. The only way she could feel good was through my pain. So I was programmed to feel pain through every experience I would have in life. No matter what it was.
So I have a new lesson to teach myself, something new to self-reference with. Is every pain necessary?
So today I went to a quilt show. It was interesting to say the least, there are so many things I want to get to try to do. The quilt show was out of town, and I saw someone there that nearly made me fall over. She was a woman I knew some time ago at a job I did when I got bullied. Now, she was not the actual bully, but she joined up with the crowd. I actually felt bad today. All those years ago I took all those people to task and lodged a bullying complaint. Her too. I listed her as well. So today I felt bad that I did that.
Oh boy was I wrong. No way, I should not feel badly here, I did nothing wrong. That woman tried to make me feel like an idiot all those years ago by giving me a lecture about how to be a decent person, and how I should try to get along with others, but she was mean too as well. Granted, I may have been fleabagging it as I tended to do (I hope that the term "fleabagging isn't offensive to anyone here). But I always felt like I was a good person with a good heart, and only did what I was taught. Any normal person should have seen that. Right? But she held nothing back, then she began to complain that she felt bad about being mean to me, just like my dear mommy used to do when she was tormenting me and then said, "Oh my poor baby, I'll go make you a hot chocolate." That shit is gaslighting folks. Don't ever forget that. Don't matter if they are a malignant narcissist or not, anyone who joins in with them, are definitely doing evil. So tonight I decided to sit back and type.
So I didn't talk to her today, and she never saw me, but it seems like we travel in the same circles now. It was like God was allowing me to see her first, then He'll help me with the rest. I will not bend my head in shame about it nosiree. She might be uncomfortable with me about the bullying complaint, but whatever, I really don't care. That's a bitch.
I am learning to trust my first instincts when they come along. Do any of you relate to this? This tendency of nonkindness in others when you are down. I am not down anymore. I see these enemies but I realize that God doesn't like it either.
So there are malignant narcissists everywhere, I just can't get away from them. But I am coping with them better. I used to feel so much anxiety over it, but not so much anymore. Understanding has brought me to a better place.