A Mix of Things

I've been really trying to focus on my self-care these days, but its been tough.  My eyebrows are all grown in, and my nails are shabby.  It is a lot of work for someone like me to even make myself presentable on a daily basis.  Lately, regular bathing is hard.  I have to shave my legs and this I'm finding hard.

I purchased a boar hair brush a few months ago.  I was reading about them online, and heard they are the best thing.  Takes care of the need to buy a lot of product for your hair.  Lately I've just been washing mine and piling it on top of my head.  I have a massive head of hair, that I dye a light amber brown.  I did dye it though, so no greys.  My daughter did it for me.

But regarding the boar bristle brush, I read that they can cost a $100 dollars or more.  More if you want the pure boar bristles that are not mixed in with nylon to make it cheaper, even then a $100.  I got mine at Walmart for $10 :/ and its pure boar bristles.  It takes all that yucky oil that builds up on your scalp and pulls it down to the dry sahara parts of  your hair.  Works great.  It takes work though and I have just started using it again.  I have a bamboo brush too, and this is good as well, much easier to use.  I've been using it on my down days.

I've been having a lot of down days recently.  My DH and I have been still been working on the issue of why he went to go run to his SIL leaving me behind.  We don't talk about it much, I've been trying to just feel.  Feel all my emotions and basically that is all I've been doing.

Well, not all.  I have to watch that I don't do any approval seeking.  As a result I don't do much in the way of talking.  When my DH returned home from work he was presented with homemade soup on a very hot day.  I'm not doing it to get even, I swear.  When I'm down, I need soup and, well, he can find his way to a restaurant.  To me, he has done the disasterdly deed of taking off on a camping trip without me.  I could just say that I had his dinner waiting for him every night he was gone, and now I'm not into cooking dinner right now.  He wants to eat more, he can fix this problem.  Everyone in his family thinks that it was me that didn't want to go on the trip.  That is what he has told him.

This afternoon he caught me talking on the phone to the one friend that I have about this.  He said I was gossiping.  Well now, women talk, what the heck is wrong with that?  We turn to eachother for support, and in the days of hunters and gatherers, the women really grouped together and men were just a small part of our lives.

I told my DH that I wanted him to buy the new course that is offered on my relationship site.  You know, the site and program that caused my awakening to my MN mother.  The program is called Commitment Control 2.0.  He said no, because I think he is rather mad at me.  Then he asked me how much it cost and I told him $1800 when I included all the taxes.  No, no, no.

Its ok.  I don't think any relationship advice can help when a narcissist targets you.  Narcissists own people, I have no say in the matter.  It hurts me when he doesn't realize this.  He can't realize this.  I am stuck alone here with him, who does not know this.

Oh, but I did get a clue in to SIL a little more.  Apparently the boob show happened when he was still single.  He has never been single, he went from his ex to me in a matter of 2 months.  So it must have happened just before we met or just after before he considered himself no longer single.  And another thing he said to me was, "She wasn't single, that was her problem."  I got the feeling that meant that he knew that it was not a good thing for her to be doing.  Showing off the boobs.  Just that simple statement alone, it seems like he threw her off her pedestal.  Like he doesn't respect her as much anymore.

So he caught me talking to my one friend about the situation.  I was talking to her and she is very understanding over the whole situation.  I leave out the narcissist stuff, and she knows there are just very creepy people out there.  I do pray for something to change here.  I'm waiting and praying.

But I have been very quiet during my approach to not seeking approval.  It seems like most of my conversations are approval seeking, and I have nothing else to say.  Each day he came home from work last week I said "hi," and not much more than that.  Plus the hot soup and, well, I'm not as complaisant as I used to be.  Well, I was working on never seeking approval before, but now I'm working harder on it.  Not even to make a comment to him about anything.  Watching tv whatever, if it feels like I'm trying to appear smart, or whatever, I just clam up.  If I think I'm trying to say stuff that I think he wants to hear, I clam up.  My gosh, this left little else for me to say.

After his work week was over, he said that I was behaving so well, almost perfect.  Huh?  I didn't say anything.  Oh well, leave that one to the relationship expert to answer.  He was serious, and he was impressed although he only got soup for dinner.  But he was impressed with me.

I started to take better care of my hair.  With the boar bristle brush.  I figured I would just start somewhere and leave the eyebrows till tomorrow.  For makeup, I might just use a mascara for now, that and take care of my hair more.  Push forward slowly.  I'm not going to get to my full routine yet.

As per my post on the smear campaign.  I kind of let the house go a little.  He sees no value in any of it, and I'm trying to recover.  I'm doing laundry and dishes, but I'm seriously having a hard time.  We started the quilting guild this week, and that was wonderful.  I'm pushed to doing it more.  Not like over the summer when I was on my own.

My DH attempt to gaslight me didn't work.  I told him point blank that I was not allowed on that trip, after he heard me talk to my friend on the phone.  He gets it, he understands me fully now, but he is holding on to his belief that I was invited by him.  The whole thing was so screwy.  How the heck would I have misinterpreted a trip out of town that I was going when I was told I wasn't?  I'm not crazy and I'm not going to let anyone make me crazy either.

Even now, I asked him about the next time, would he be taking me.  He wouldn't friggin answer me! I think he is worried about me and his SIL in the same room together.  That I will rip her mask off so fast that heads will spin.  Ha ha.  But I believe in no contact with narcs.

This is a difficult time.  I'm focusing on self-care and working on not seeking approval.  The not seeking approval is making him very happy with me.  It works in dating situations too.  Just watch, gauge what comes out of your mouth.  One lady on our site walked out on a man who spent too long on his cell phone while she was out on a date.  Nope, she could do better.  Always live in your own skin.

Of course I do speak of taking my head out of my own butt and attempt to understand the other person.  But how can I do this in this situation?  Well, I've also been working on escalating commitment.  That means making him more responsible for my feelings.  If I feel badly, I feel badly and there is no way I'm going to try to make myself feel better.  It is a process, and my mind and body need to heal.  It takes time.  So he knows how I feel, especially since I told my friend and he heard it, now he is feeling somewhat angry, embarrassed.  Its ok.  I just have to relax.

I'm sure he wants this to all be over, and get on with life.  But it is not how I feel, because he has made no attempts to resolve anything.  So I continue with my emotions and feelings.  Maybe I can get past it if he just tells me what happens the next time.  I can understand it if he just says well, "I guess we misunderstood eachother, next time we will go together."  But so far, nothing.

He is set in his ways.  I know he is worried that I try to control him.  But he is controlling me and not even wanting me to talk about it with a close friend.  Its not gossip.

We were under a narc attack.  His SIL is a severe one.  No conscience even, and I know that now, just even with her simple teasing me of being a "proper bushwoman".  I told my friend that and she was shocked to hear it.  It is out of the normal human realm, you know, its bullying.  Yes, my friend was absolutely shocked that I was told that, it was not my imagination, her eyes flew wide open.

Oh, also the SIL was a drunk that would go in drinking binges away from home and leave her husband for even days at a time.  I just found this out.  I don't know if this is normal behaviour in alcoholism.  Her husband threatened to leave and she stopped.  Now, he doesn't even have so much as a beer, for her sake.

So I work towards my own healing now.  Bottom line, this was a narc attack.  As per all the other stuff, including the smear campaign, it all fell into line with being a narc attack.  DH is being oblivious.

I don't know.  Maybe there will come a time when we will be able to look past this and laugh.  He is on to his SIL  a little more, because of the things he told me about her.  I just want us to open talk, get it all out.  I can't let go of my sanity and just believe that I was invited.  That would be crazy.

For now, things are rather cold between us, all except for the hot soup.