Emotions Are Good

So it is best to just ride through the feelings and emotions.  I worry at this point that it might be going on too long.  But I know that its only destructive if I'm doing it for destructive reasons, and I'm not.  I know now that DH is lot at that level of commitment that I want him to be with me.  So what I need to do is not block him out during this time.  I am to be there with him during my hard times, and just be real and present.  That's all I got to do.  Don't separate him from my feelings.

Feelings don't take a lot of talking.  I don't need to try to convince him of anything.  When he heard me talk to my friend about the problem on the phone, he somehow got connected to it.  He might show more anger over it once he is done with his work week.  I know he is angry over it, but his mission is work.  That's alright.  I have people I can talk to, a blog I can write on, and I know he prefers I keep this all to myself.  It ain't going to happen.  And I don't have to get his approval over it.

Marriage papers doesn't necessarily mean you have a commitment.  We can't commit logically.  This has to be a deep emotional bond.  Since I am an ACON my needs will be different. I will be targeted here and there and he needs to realize this.  I can't tell him, I only feel and express when necessary.  I am praying somehow he will get this.

So don't try to convince a guy of something.  Don't try to "talk" and hope by talking that he will understand.  Don't try to "get" him to marry you by taking him to wedding shops and keeping wedding magazines around.  Sometimes when women do this is because she thinks he doesn't know she wants marriage.  That won't work.  It has to be deep seated in his emotions.  Just be quiet and feel.  He'll get it.

So I want a higher level of commitment, where narcs won't permeate through.  That's a lot to expect. We got together through the hard times I was going through with MN mother.  He understands some stuff, just not that I'll be a target for predators.  I'm worried that he'll be my Achilles's Heel.  He has already tried to gaslight me.  But I believe that somehow we will get through this.

Sometimes I think he will continue to gaslight me, and I have to stay on my toes.  I probably will. But his attempt to gaslight me was only because of a narc.  But now I'm worried he'll want to go to that camp every year.  I can't do that, so I don't know what to do.  I don't like that separation between us. I had lousy marriages in the past, I don't want this to be a problem anymore.  I'm praying about that too.  Since he told me that  he saw her boobs when she wasn't single and it was "her problem" he might be a little closer to the truth.  This wasn't a good thing.

Years ago I was stuck in a trailer with 6 men overnight and no one saw anything.  Long story, it was a hunting trip with some friends and I got stranded.  Long story.  My point is, no one saw anything and it was a small trailer.  Very small.  I told DH this, he looked away thoughtfully.  I didn't tell him that she was a bully to me when I was there, I'm not sure how to express that yet.  I'm praying for more insight, and I know I have to be careful.  Maybe it looks like I'm trying to make him hate a part of his family, but I am, so everything is very confusing.  One day at a time.  And pure truth.

I worry about the word, "manipulation".  I'm scared I'm trying to be a manipulator.  But manipulate is a hard word for me to try to work with.  I get the sense that if I woke up every morning believing that I am never going to manipulate that it makes me a bad person, then there would be no point in getting out of bed.  How do I work with that word?  It leaves me no where to go.  Would you pull someone out of the way of a moving car isn't that like manipulation?  I can't use that term.

We still have to work through the gaslight part.  Maybe we can't because he will have to admit he was an ass, and that is hard for him.  So I just stay present with my very real emotions with him.

Oh and I almost made an excuse to him for wanting to lie on the couch today.  I was going to say, "It is Sunday", or something like that.  Not sure why now, but I fear I am looking lazy but my emotions are overwhelming.

Since I have decided to be authentic for life (it is my key to survival), it is not without a cost.  I feel like it is costing me the ability to look good.  And what is wrong with wanting to look good? Because it is approval seeking.  So far, he seems to understand and approve of me anyway.

And I noticed some advantages.  He bought some new coffee and said it "tasted smood".  I started laughing.  This French Canadian accent is very strong with him, can't pronounce quite a few words properly.

I asked him, "Say it again."

He said "This coffee is smood."

Then I started laughing.  He got very quiet and it was strange.  He takes offense to anyone teasing him.  I never do it, but this broke the monotony.  I said its ok,  I love and appreciate his accent. So it was ok.  Usually, he would have been deeply offended but now he's different.  Maybe this is progress, but I don't know.

All my quiet and not seeking approval is supposed to make me very high value.  Even though my self care is down, my moods are different.  I'm accepting my feelings more as being natural.  I know in a Christian sense I am not supposed to be trusting my feelings so much.  But I have no other way.  As an ACON guidelines must be set in self reference.  Even that term would not be accepted by the Christian church.  But we do what we have to do.

We are working with a lot.  Its like starting life, and you are an adult.  Adam and Eve were allowed to be simple and were expected to.  I wish I knew a little more about Adam and Eve and how they lived before the fall.  That would be helpful.  There must be a reason we don't know this.

Mother never loved me, she only loved to hurt me.  In the end she tried to destroy me.  I was stuck, unable to leave the house, but I got that managed.  I think she was a murderer in her own right.  She didn't care that what she was doing was very harmful.  It didn't matter.  Narcissistic supply was all that mattered.

So basically, it is one day at a time.  I do feel pressured to move on, but its hard.  I feel betrayed, and I can't easily get past that.  I need a word or something from DH and I'm not getting anything.  So for now, its just being present with him with my emotions and it seems to be helping.

I have to somehow trust that this is all working.  I have to trust him and believe this is what I need to be doing.