I want to share this vital information to all the world. When we are new and first get our eyes open to the truth that we were in abusive families, it can be an exciting time. It was for me, for all the blame was taken off my shoulders and the crap I went through wasn't my fault and realizing it for the first time was incredible. Listen, it might give us all blabbermouth syndrome.
The sad fact is that we will not be understood. That these are actual narcs, sociopaths ruining us from birth is very illogical to others who came from real families with loving parents, and siblings who were encouraged to love eachother. I go see a friend now and I can't get over how she has brothers and sisters all around her. That is something I can't relate to either.
I have nieces that I haven't seen in many years. I mean, who does that in the outside world? No one, except for us. And it is not like we don't want our family members, its not that. Its just that they are destructive and evil. Don't try to tell others you came from evil stock. It taints you as the bad guy, as being very unforgiving. And even you might be looked upon as being very toxic. It don't sit well with others when you are no contact permanently with your FOO.
Personally, for me, I just stick to the facts. That is within my household, I have a DH that doesn't understand these dynamics and he has seen my screaming mother. Still he doesn't understand. And we have to be careful of who to share with otherwise we are looked at as being crazy.
Yeah we have to be careful of blabbermouth syndrome. I was insane to talk about my blog even with a few local friends and it burned my butt. One had no empathy and this close knit family of literally dozens of relatives, so while I toned things down IRL, she would see my blog and go holy crap! Yeah that was a mistake and half. I always forget I have to water myself down for the NT world, though the me of today doesn't care anymore, the ones that aren't going to like me, aren't anyway.
ReplyDeleteNope we are not understood. The same blindness that keeps people excusing our narcs and sociopaths abusing us, is the same blindness in society that this ever could happen to anyone. Mother's are seen as loving. To imagine a mother with no love for a child is anathema. I wish mine had given me up, at least I may have had some guardians who may have loved and cared about me.
Yes I saw the friends too with tons of relatives. I have a friend in town with 5 sisters she sees every week. It boggles my mind. The other ex-friend was so protected in the crucible of family, that she was never alone. Someone was always visiting. My brother and sister don't even care if I live or die. I am strangers to them all.
Even if I never went NC, mine cut me off anyhow and had little to do with me. Most of us are running to get from the destruction and evil. The normals don't get that. Their mothers love them and care about them. If I tell people my mother is a sociopath or narc isn't the next logical thought, that I may be? This is some major mine-fields we are stepping on. The narcs in denying us loving kinships do untold damage to our life. I have noticed narcissists and sociopaths seem to have a power even in outside society, people want to take the side of the one they see as the "winner", you are the bad one who dumped your family and disappeared. My mother with her long list of grandchildren and siblings visiting her means even far more to the outsiders.
I am sorry your husband doesn't understand. My family was so toxic, and the outcomes so dire for me--disabilities etc, that people who don't get it, just don't stay around me. My husband always said my family was creepy. I hope he one day can understand the dynamics.
I get nervous when people talk about their families, I used to over-share. Now I smile and nod, and everyone thinks my family all died off. It helps that I have always lived in different towns from any relatives most of the time.
I once heard a church sermon on mothers. Mothers are good even if they do only a few good things. lol, thats called gaslighting. I did too, have blabbermouth syndrome. I don't have anyone here I can talk about it with, its hard. I would like to be open, but no can do. Its dangerous to tell anyone you come from a crazy family, I mean, what does that make me then? I'm sorry for what happened to you. I'm glad I didn't share my blog, but my daughter helps me with it, but she doesn't read it. Maybe someday, I'll want all my kids to know.
ReplyDeleteBut we are not wrong. We will be told we are wrong if we share. Its just that simple. It will compound our abuse if we share.
Ah the myth about mothers. They should save those pagan myths for the Unitarians. Joseph Campbell can lecture on the loving "universal mothers". There's so many myths about motherhood like every mother automatically loves a baby they gave birth too. I made a rule when I was still going to church, not ever to go on mother's day even before I was NC, why put myself through that.
DeleteSo if Mommy feeds you, a few times and doesn't burn the casserole, she's a loving mother. Sorry you have no one to talk to. I have a few I can talk about a few surface things with but most of the time I'm keeping quiet too to protect myself. Yeah if you tell people your family is crazy you are labeled a nut. I still remember sitting at a book club where a woman shouted and said anyone who leaves their mother is evil and is not honoring their parents, it was part of the book plot. I wisely kept my mouth shut about my own experiences. We have to be very careful who we share to. I do know I will not be wasting time investing in "friendships" where they demand censorship of me but I am going to be more cautious for my own protection too.
I was thinking that if our mothers did nothing but bad, bad all the time. We would have been better off. Maybe not physically, (because we did need to be fed), but we wouldn't not have been so screwed up. Or if they didn't put up the disguise of the good mother maybe a child welfare advocate would have noticed, and we would have been saved. Maybe. But overall, I think, if they did nothing but bad, no one could defend them.
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