Is Rejection All That Bad?

I have decided to prioritize my writing as very important because it makes the bad stuff that is going on in my head, all go away.  It does it really does work.  If you struggle with your thoughts and emotions, this is the way to go.  I wish I had done this all my life.  Through this I have found sanity, serenity and peace.

Now I know this one has got to be a little silly, but not to me.  I just got banned from a forum.  I don't want to mention where and what I said, the whole thing is really rather embarrassing still.  I was called twisted or my ideas were called twisted, and it was upsetting.  But I don't think that anything that I say is bad.  Maybe very real and raw, but that's ok.  I'm not going to fake it.  Actually, I was banned for not being a good fit, that was the reason, but it felt horrible.  But I agree with the administrator, I was a bad fit, afterawhile, I realized it wasn't what I thought it was.  It wasn't exactly for ACON's but for those dealing with predators.

Just as a warning to put out there.  I've never been on a forum before, but I think there is a lot of censorship of speech on them, which is the last thing an ACON needs.  I think we need to speak, do anything and everything, and just trust that if we have the right intentions, then it will be ok.  This is not the case on forums.

I remember one time I saw this little girl (not me) and she was upset because she lost all her friends (she said) and no one liked her anymore, and her mom just gave her a hug.  No one likes me she said, and her mom said everything will feel better tomorrow.

If you say something offensive, shouldn't it be oh well?  We get through it don't we?  The sun comes back up tomorrow and we learned something.  That we can't fit in everywhere.  Strong censorship of speech is very necessary in forums, I get it, otherwise they would go nuts.  I never fought with anyone, just my viewpoints didn't fit.  Its ok.

This reminds me, I wanted to talk about how I'm self-referencing lately.  Well, I'm just letting it all hang out there.  The real deal.  Hurt, pain, anger, we all live with.  Now we can't be authentic with all people.  As ACON's many of us stay alone lots.  I do, then I tend to go bug people online.  Its funny, I feel safer online talking, that is until I got banned.  No one told me why my viewpoints were bad, just that they were, then I got banned.  That is not helping someone to learn.  And I have a lot to learn. Fleabaggy as I am, I will stick my foot in my mouth, I know people online I don't have to censor my speech with, that I can be authentic with.

I know I don't have a bad heart.  I'm never critical of anyone, I let anyone have their say.  I don't even have rules for this blog.  Not at all.  I don't want to.  I hope everyone can give everyone respect though, and I think that can go without saying.  A lot of the normal rules I'll just take for granted that everyone gets them anyway.

We would love it if everyone loves us don't we?  We would be so happy and would make all the pain go away.  You think so?  There was a fella nailed to a cross that never did anything wrong, so I don't expect much either.

Still though the pain of being unloved just lingers.  I was on a forum for 3 days and I got banned. Hey, life goes on.  But what would mother say?  She would laugh at me, who cares?

Always hold your head up.  That's what I've been telling myself.  I imagine what it would be like if I had those messages in my head instead of the mean ones.  My mother once told me that I have a "big fat ass".  So?  She was an old whore that would screw anything in pants, who the heck cares what she says?  She doesn't count, she never did.  She had no right to make me feel so bad.  At some time in no contact requires emotional no contact too.  I have to separate myself from her big mouth.

So I made a mistake going onto a forum I had no business on.  So?  I'm very exploratory.  The ACON life is my life and I explore it.  I explore all I can learn and feel.  I try to find things that are tangible. I never stop, this will never stop me.  I will go on and crash in on sites that are even remotely related that is what I do.  Maybe that is not good, but its me.  If I had a normal life I might be exploring in Africa right now, that is what I like.  It will take some knock downs.

I've also come to the realization that I'm not broken.  Broken is not me.  I have pushed down emotions for a long time and that is not broken.  That is being alive.  I step in toes sometimes, and that will happen, won't it?  Won't that happen with a person who grew up normally too?  I've had it with feeling broken.  It gets me nowhere.  It seems to breed more of the same.  I'm broken, nah, this is just the way it is.  Its not perfect or ideal, but it is the way it is.

I'm starting to love my life again.  Its not perfect, but everyday I wake up its a blessing.  I can take it one day at a time, even with the mass rejection I feel.  People push me away, but I have to have the emotional resources to get through it.  I'm ok, I'm enough.  Its true.  Lots of hurtful people out there, but I'm an ok person to talk to, I really am.

But just remember your reality of growing up abused is not going to keep you down.  You are not a body or even your mind.  You are alive in more ways than that.  By the way, someone called me out of the blue today, offering to help me personally with a quilt.  That's not rejection.  That's someone reaching out, going out of her way, means that she likes me.  She would not offer this with someone she doesn't like, no way.  I also have a friend I can talk to anytime, that's not rejection.  And I have said dippy fleabaggy things to these people before and they haven't rejected me.

Yes, some people have rejected me but it's ok.  Maybe, those people didn't belong in my life.  I explored a forum remotely connected to my kind of abuse and I got banned, so what?

The part that gets me the most is that my MN mother would have made me feel bad about anything. I'm remembering so much more now, I have been a targeted source of supply for so long, and mother made it that way for me.

I heard on a tv show that what we see, think and feel is directly related to our life experiences.  I still see beauty, do you?  Your MN parent didn't eat that away?  No, of course not.  And they never gave us the encouragement to see beauty.  As for me, MN mother made sure I only saw bad, ugly, grim. There was no joy, she hated that.  She liked nature though and that is something I don't completely understand yet, even her darkness couldn't take away the light I saw in her eyes when when we brought her out here all those years ago.  Or maybe that is my imagination too.  And if that is the case, then that is a big wow.  My imagination transferred all that ugliness into beauty.  Isn't that cool?

Listen, I know it is tough.  We were not given the ability to self-soothe (at least I wasn't) but I am developing that ability right here on this blog.  All those other things that we need for survival, like our self-esteem, I just build it right in each and everyday.  I'm still keeping to "no looking for approval" and its working great.  DH and I had a nice big send off when he went to work tonight.  We giggled and we laughed together.  I know its not much, but I'm seeing him exactly where he is right now with me.  I don't have the level of commitment I want with him.  My job is to realize that and just go with the flow, and keep flowing.  Shhhh, I'm going to tell you a secret, don't tell anyone, I noticed he has been looking at engagement rings on the computer.  I'm not hacking, just the computer gave me the history automatically this morning.  I don't have an engagement ring.  Shhh.,

Its all good.  We move forward from where we are right now.  I'm scared, I don't trust easily. Another lady called me from the quilting guild tonight, I hope I don't end up with friends. lol  Its ok, they call because they like me, I do have likeable qualities.