Smear Campaign

So the smear campaign was pretty bad.  I hadn't expected him home a day early as I was going to leave before he got here.  That evening was the worse we ever had.  He expected me to have dinner waiting for him when he got home.  lol  Right away I knew it was a smear campaign starting.  I said that I wasn't expecting him home so early, that I was expecting him to be home the next day.  He said, "Yeah, yeah, and it doesn't look like you did anything while I was gone."

Ha ha.  It was going downhill so fast and there was no way for me to stop it.  I did spend most of the time on research about narcissism, and I even told him that.  He was expecting me to deny what I was doing all that time?  Besides which the dishes were done, there was no visible dirt around and I had no idea what the heck he was talking about.

But I have an idea.  His MN SIL is one of those clean freak narcs.  I don't blame people who like to keep a super clean house, it doesn't bother me.  Its those who treat housework as the highest value thing you can do.  Oh and hold a full-time job (shift work) and have a super clean house.  I swear narcs don't need anything more in their lives but this massive worship for things that are so worthless. I felt angry, but I chose not to get on the defensive side, I knew there was no time passing with a quarantine that I was planning, so I chose to keep it down.

It was hard to do.  And it wasn't going to happen naturally.  I assured him that I spent a lot of time on research as he knows a little about this.  He met that with a hrmph.  "Do not look for approval".  That is what my relationship site orders and I was intent on never letting that happen.  So I told him the truth.  That still didn't stop him.

I asked him if he followed my request that he not talk about me while he was away on his trip.  He said that they only asked why I wasn't there, and he told them that I didn't want to go.  Hmm.  I'm sorry to my readers, mine is a continuing story and I know for a fact that he disallowed me going on this trip.  I didn't see the first emails right away, so there was no reason for me to think that I was jealous or was disallowed because of them.  Only allowing me to go when the last email was sent at the final hour.

So I told him, "So you lied to them then," he sat very quiet and didn't say a word.  Then I realized that the minute he came through the door he was very sullen and moody.  He was all upset because I didn't do any housework while he was on his private vacation to see his personal titty show.

The whole thing had me questioning my sanity.  Did I get invited and just wanted to get bitchy and jealous over the emails?  Did I feel hurt and angry over nothing?  I was not allowed on that trip for weeks, even told that I didn't want to go, so I shouldn't be going.  I know that was a lie for we had discussed bringing the cat earlier on in the summer.

I told him that he disallowed me, he even told me that I could go visit my daughter instead of going with him.  He said, "I told you that if you didn't want to go, you can visit your daughter instead." That is not what he said, I'm sure of it.  But I was questioning all this stuff.  What happened.  Just shhh, quiet down my mind, relax.

It was hard for me not to explode.  I only made strange sounds instead as it is ok to feel emotions, not necessarily to express them at that time.  As the whole situation was volatile.  I was refused to go on that trip.  Then I was gaslighted to believe that I was actually invited at the final hour.  I know this for a fact.  I went at him for weeks about going, and he always told me no, that he was going alone.

I knew right there and then that he was my enemy.  He even threatened to delete my blog as this is a bad influence on me.  I didn't say anything to that, as I knew that he was on a shit smear campaign, and I was having nothing of it.  The housework was just an excuse for him to get mad seeing as he spent a week with a perfect housekeeper.  He never complained about housework before.  I spend time cleaning house, but I know for a fact it is not the thing to bring into relationship as having value. So I decided to be high value instead.

I showed my emotions.  But since the SIL is void of emotions like that, he saw no value in me doing it.  He only saw value in creepy inhuman SIL.  How did that transfer take place?  From his devotion from me to her?  Well, it was a difficult time for me.  All of a sudden I was competing with someone who works full-time shift work plus keep a spotless house and camp.  This is a person who doesn't really think.  This narc doesn't ever reflect or innovate or introspect, lots of time saving devices here. There is not that much to a narc.  Very simple beings really.  Yes, they are mad all the time and play games, but none of that is that hard with someone who has chosen to cast off their soul.  He said he didn't talk about me, but somehow she was able to smear campaign me anyway.  It could have been just simply by making me look bad.  By throwing in digs about me.  I know narcs do that without being noticed.

Now, if he chose to look at his brother and see what a little whipped doggy he is, he didn't.  He only saw this woman who was capable of anything.  He doesn't see that the private boob shows are a problem.  He doesn't see that his brother lacks a lot of things.  His brother never crosses the line and is never allowed to be the man.  Only she is the man.  But I had no choice at this point in time.

As the shit smear campaign was going on, I tried to get him to see that it was a smear campaign. That there is not a problem with me, and that I need to be on the computer doing research, gaining a foothold in all the things that plague me.  There is no counselling for me.  But he saw it as a waste of time.

I tried to escape it.  I didn't understand why I was seeing this part of him, it is never like this.  He was really abusive, and I used my emotions and not looking for approval as my strategy.

The next morning, I told him that I was leaving for the day and overnight.  Now that he had a chance to calm down, could he see what was happening?  He said that he didn't.

When I got back, I chose to be quiet.  Not a grand stand silent treatment, but a full fledged "not looking for approval" and I decided to guard my mouth.  I did talk here and there, mainly comments about a tv show we were watching.  Just a little.  Don't talk.  Don't look for approval.

Never looking for approval forces me to feel my emotions.  And to free them up.  I am allowed to feel.  He came back home from his trip with narcissistic shit on his mind and I was not going to adjust myself to it.  I was going to live in my own body and feelings.  He will see me eventually, but for now, this is not very comfortable.  I want to talk, smash him over the head, and maybe that might be ok at times, it will not work for me now.  My strategy is just to feel.  Talking takes away the sensations of just feeling.

As such, I told him that I was going into no contact with his SIL and brother.  He was angry over this. It's fine I told him, as his angry outbursts were not necessary.  He did tell me though, that I did yell at him while he came in the door after he got back.  Ok, I did.  He was a day early, and he scared the crap out of me!  He is lucky I didn't attack.  If you know what PTSD is then you'll know what I mean. He knows I'm the nervous type and I had to remind him of that.  I don't have nerves of steel, and if you saw me on even a regular day it is noticeable.

Then he said that I never asked him how his trip was.  Was he serious?  I didn't know what to say to that.  So I just stayed quiet.  So all this was the excuses he needed to be abusive to me.  Oh, and I asked him to take the garbage out, too, when he got home.  Normal stuff to us had become the ticking time bomb.  I told him that I have a hard time lifting, I am hypermobile, and the garbage we have is heavy.  It is in a super large garbage bag that gets filled right up.  It needs to be carried quite a ways to the garage.  He always took care of it for me.

So I now choose to be quiet and just live in my emotions and not refuse to feel.  This is my highest value self.  This is what I have chosen to do.  I don't think he liked me leaving for the day and night. He seemed very taken aback by me leaving the next morning.

Regarding no contact with his brother and wife.  He feels that it is unnecessary as they are good people.  I told him that is fine, they might be good people, but the behaviour he displayed towards me shows that they are not supportive people of us.  I choose to not be around people who are non-supportive.  We get to choose in our life people we spend time with, or not.  I feel they are very toxic.

Nothing more was said about that.  I told him that from now on when he visits them or they visit him, I will make myself scarce, and he will have to accept this.  And we will have a day or two of quarantine after.  That maybe we could go back to the way we were but I had to leave for the day. Maybe I didn't have to tell him that but I wanted this part off the table so that we could work towards getting better.

I was tired when I got back.  I planned on doing shopping in town, but I never did.  Too exhausted. These emotions are exhausting.  While I spent time with the kids, even then I was so low energy everyone was concerned.  I told the kids everything.  Well, in regards about how we allow people to treat us.  We are never to go looking for approval, that we are to stay in our own skins.  It doesn't guarantee that we will never will get hurt, but it is the best thing to do regardless.

DH said that those were his personal emails, and that his SIL was addressing him directly and none of that needed to include me.  Fine.  But he did refuse me to go on that trip for weeks, and I told him that.  I wanted that to be said in case he was questioning my behaviour.  Plus the smear campaign. All this was horrible and I told him that.  I pull no punches.  He asked me to make his lunch and I told him that since he can go on vacations without me he can make his own lunch without me as well. Sounds bitchy, I know.  But its ok.  I might be wrong on this one, but I just don't feel like being in this attitude of servitude towards him.  This doesn't build attraction and connection.

So for now I'm going with the flow of my emotions.  I'm not blasting him, but I am allowing myself to feel.  Once that is done then maybe I can work on putting the pieces back together, I know how to build connection, its not very hard, but the mindset has to be there.  We have to value connection above all else and that is not the way I feel right now.  I'm just going to feel, feel, feel.  And feel some more.  If he pressures me I'll tell him that I need time.  He won't do that right now, cause he is busy with work so I have the time.  He made dinner, its in the slow cooker.  If he asks me to make his lunch I'll do it.  I'm not going to automatically do it, I just don't want to.  He refused me this trip and demanded everything from me after, but still I'm not punishing him.  I'm just going with the flow of my emotions.

In any case this is going to take a lot of work.  The only thing I can do is to bring out the best in him, and for me to do that I will have to be at my best.  I have tons of things I have to feel first.  Was he gaslighting me?  Is his SIL a narc or did I imagine the whole thing?  He went on vacation without me.  Thus he goes on vacations and refuses to take me?  Full stop.  I do not like that. How does that make me feel?  Did I want to stop him from going?  I never once told him he couldn't go and that I feel was placed on my shoulders as well.  How did this all get so messed up in my head? As I remember things, it seems so clear to me what happened but was it?  Would I have unnecessarily become passive aggressive over this trip?

I did want to go, and we were planning on going.  I remember we were discussing bringing the cat, and not even that he can deny.  It was a long discussion about whether the cat can stay alone or not. Cats are not very portable, so we needed to talk about that too.  And everything was so normal then. He only refused me once he got the emails.