The Truth About Neediness

I get the feeling that a lot of people don't know what I mean when I talk about neediness.  In relationships or whatever.  In its truest and most valuable sense, it is very good.  But there is another meaning, that I'll get to in a little bit.

I am committed to writing when something comes to my mind these days, afterall this is a journal.

Just this morning, my husband was online paying the bills.  The phone bill was rather high, so he looked back and figured out he forgot to pay it last month.  So he paid it all.  No big deal.  I watched this all go on before my eyes, and a memory came to light.

You know, I'm glad he has this ability, I cannot.  I can't pay bills, or even look at a bank statement, or even open a mailbox, he has taken over this.  God help me if I become a widow and am forced back to go through this.  As of now, I really don't care at all.

I don't need to fix this, do I?  The pain and the fear would be overwhelming for me, if I am to try. But I do remember I used to do these things and do them very well.  Before mother came back into my life about 15 years ago.  Before that, I managed bills.  I had somethings haunting me, sure I couldn't work, I had little money, but I managed and budgeted and got by.  After mother, I could have 10 thousand dollars in the bank, and not even know it, and all the utilities would be shut off, for lack of payment.

I had managed to get a really good job sometimes, and even then, I was terrified of money, or anything to do with money.  But before mother, I managed.  So what happened?

Well, as I was watching him pay the bills, he made a mistake.  "Oh," is all he said.

Although, mother couldn't read a word, she could read my bills and would harass me over a bill that was do in a week.

She said, "You better pay it now."

"I'm busy now, the bill is due in a week, I'll get to it."  Was my response.

"You should pay it now, in case you forget."

"I won't forget."

Then she would be doing something else, but you know she wouldn't let it go.  "It's going to get cut off, you won't have any electricity, you'll live on the street, if you keep up the way you do.  You don't do anything right.  If you listen to me, you would be better off.  Why aren't you cleaning this apartment, you are too messy and dirty." etc, etc, etc, etc, etc, etc, etc, etc, etc, etc, etc, etc, etc, etc, ......and on and on and on.....

I was making $40 an hour full time, I was single, my life was doing well.  This monster came back into my life after 20 years absent, I somehow was working towards healing, I had a level of healing, I had a good life.  Why oh why didn't I just put her out?  I'm serious.  Just throw her outside and never look back?

I don't think I need to explain anything more here, the rest is history.  My husband now takes care of me.  This is a valuable lesson in itself.

Getting back to what I mean about neediness.  Look, I know it is hard to understand.  Tainted versions over the last 50 years have made us stupid.  And we are not stupid.  But first I want to tell you a little about a hollowed out husk.

This is what a malignant narcissist leaves in its midst.  Lacking understanding of life the hollowed out husk is always afraid.  Afraid of life, afraid of everything.  But, the most important part is that she can't understand too much.  She will always work at trying, she is a normal person despite what has been done to her.  She still has the ability to know stuff, it is just a little harder to reach her is all.

So I went a little deeper into things.  I need history and science to prove things.  Because I just can't trust everything.  Although I trust others more than myself, I can't absorb things that well.  Oh well, I try.  And I have always been very curious.

Why was I getting into abusive relationships?  Well, it was the man, it wasn't me at all.  You do not cause the hitting or manipulation.  Get that straight, this is not caused by you, it is him.  And, yes, a good man will run from you if you can't understand what neediness is.  In absolute truth, neediness is a wonderful thing.  Helplessness is wonderful.  I love it when he pays bills, open jars, takes over things for me, when I don't want to do them.  That is called connection.

Neediness is blaming, using him as a scratching post, unwilling to be authentic.  Blaming is never authentic.  It comes from a very different place.  You are trying to extract his emotional resources just to make yourself feel better.

That is what the bad neediness is.  Extracting human emotions from others.  I'm hoping to get to write more about blaming.  It is such a vast subject though, and it took me six months to get through it.  Its kind of complicated and some people try to do the opposite of blaming, which is actually very bad too.  I had this friend once who told me that in marriage there should be little to no arguments.  Ok, lol, if I may tell you a little about authenticity, there will be arguments. There is no choice in that. Anything else is neediness, plain and simple.  If you are unwilling to be authentic with your partner, you are lying to him.  Even if it is a lie of omission.  Trying to save his feelings, lol, please you are trying to save yourself.  Because to me, anything outside of authenticity is a lie.  I would rather share my true emotions with him, like it or not.  Anything else is bullshit. And with this we have been doing so well, I can't even tell you.

So if I invited my mother back into my life now, what do you think would happen?  Just as a curiosity, has no point to the story.

To the hollowed out husk, things are never easy.  Afterall, she could never go out with friends and learn social skills, she had to stay close to mom, who needed an endless narcissistic supply.

But what's fascinating is that the hollowed out husk gets to look at things for the first time and learn them.  I think I got my feel this way, and I will continue to feel.