I'm concerned over my youngest daughter's family. She has this new baby, and I'm just constantly seeing she is posting pictures of him calling him the most perfect offspring. "Look at my perfect offspring". Not is not a word I would ever have used for a child. And yes he is perfect, a real showcase for sure.
I'm scared. You know narcs take things from us. All the good stuff. They swallow it up. And so much of my daughter is so crazy about this baby boy, that I'm afraid she might be engulfing. Now, I know that God is doing a work in her life, she was raised in church, I brought her up that way. I believe that is safeguarding the baby. I'm also now on facebook to keep an eye on things, but its depressing me. She has video's of him, pictures of him, she is taking all this perfect stuff he is and claiming it to herself.
But she shares joint custody with the dad. And one time she called me crying, she wanted full custody, and she was crying because she missed the baby. Now, I know what it is like to be a single parent, and would have loved the opportunity to have a break like she does, but she is not loving it. She seems to hate her life without that baby in her arms.
And now the father is keeping the baby up all day so he will sleep at night and she is posting that this makes him a lousy father. She even wrote, "Who cares if I get my sleep, he needs his sleep, that is all that counts."
Now I know the rules about engulfing, the perfect mother sacrifices and lets all the world know.
Now I get the feeling it is important for me to not get to upset but just follow her around on facebook, and make comments where appropriate, to maintain boundaries. That I've been trying to do. I'm making sure she doesn't try to block me, but I'm getting a little peeved.
This perfect baby, if he does something wrong will she make him pay? If he doesn't fulfill the bounds of continuing to be the perfect child will she somehow demoralize him and call him lousy? Will she make him feel bad for not keeping up with her demands?
So much of this is out of my power its terrifying me. And sometimes I just feel so guilty for the mess. Feeling guilty about it will not do me any good. Getting depressed about it won't do me any good. And even if I try to hide about this, it won't go away. I will not go into a state of denial. I've done some reading on this, and so far, from what I can tell, he is safe until he is around three years old.
This life of mine has never been easy. This is so much out of my control, I have to take the things that are in my control. And I am determined that ACON's will no longer have to live till a ripe old age before learning of the affects of this. I've already educated the other family members of this, and they have agreed, their sister is a narcissist. No one is going to be an Aunt Denial. Or Uncle Denial. We are all in on this. We hold to to account, and so far it seems to be holding.
My daughter was diagnosed with narcissism some time ago. She herself was the perfect child. Always loving and sweet. At the age of two she could hold a tiny hamster in her hand, and pet it. She could wear a dress all day and never get it dirty. Or the shoes scuffed. She wore ribbons in her hair, she insisted.
At the age of three she yelled at the secretary in a doctor's office for not having children's books she liked. She wanted the light switches lowered, because, "I'm too little to reach them, they are not for children." I told her that children were not to use the light switches, and she told me something like I was being discriminatory.
I could go on and on. This was the perfect child. She makes me think of that movie that came out in the 50's called "The Bad Seed". But my daughter didn't commit murder. I also don't believe narcs are born that way, like they have no other choice. They would have made the decision.
We were very close. So unlike her older sister who would wreck her clothes and probably would have strangled the hamster. So now I'm scared.
But my youngest is still rather perfect, she doesn't smoke pot, never has, and insists it is wrong to do so. She does not want to drink. She doesn't even like to go party. She will ramble on about right and wrong. She talks of her child constantly. She seems like the perfect mother. I now wish she was a little less perfect.
Your daughter sounds a lot like my mother, although these days it's her grandkids that are perfect. But my mom thinks she's perfect (used to literally say so, and I believed her as a child because she was my mom and why would she lie? And I knew for dam sure I was NOT perfect).
ReplyDeleteAnd I saw a lot of my mother in the moving The Bad Seed, that sort of eerie darkness under the facade.
It really bugs me when people do the martyr thing on social media. My sister recently posted on Facebook, "people don't appreciate what you do until you don't do it" and I rolled my eyes. My sister is borderline rather than narcissistic, but they're on the same continuum. I hope your daughter is on a lesser spectrum. Hugs.
Thanks Pandora. Well, she is only 20 years old, and she is well aware that we are aware of it. So many things, she will lie freely, but she always gets caught. We work hard holding her accountable.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry your sister got caught up in it too. Sometimes I think its ok as long as they don't hurt anyone. But its still a risk, with the gaslighting which seems to go right over our heads.
I'm hoping my daughter and the baby will come here for a long visit soon, I've been trying to get her to. We have fun together, we are still very close, she has high moral standards it's weird and hard to explain. And thanks again.
I don't hold much standard over what her psychologist says about narcissism, as I had no help from them, ever, I just see what I see.
I Love that movie. It's exactly how I picture my mother as a child. My mother used to gush over my grandmother but wouldn't get out of her car and stand by the grave at her funeral because it was too cold.
ReplyDeleteI must have watched that movie about 50 times. Its the least weird of horror movies I think.
ReplyDeleteGoes to show how far your mother's "love" goes. Can't get out the car. lol, can't be that cold in Texas. lol sorry, we are still waiting for spring :)
For texas it was pretty cold ...like 8 degrees. But the whole funeral was standing there waiting and watching my step father getting his hands batted away from her while he had this dumbfounded look on his face. It was to the point it was embarrassing
ReplyDeleteThat must have been embarrassing. You can't get those "people" to do anything. They will do what they want. Bat away hands, steal credit cards, commit murder. Guess your father didn't learn that by then.
ReplyDeleteJoan, I will keep you daughter and her baby in my prayers. I wouldn't worry too much at this point though, so far so good. Keep a close eye on them as you are doing. It's all you can do. Hopefully your daughter's level of narcissism is not so high she is unable to feel genuine love for her child and instead only thinks of her as an extension of herself. Once the baby begins to have a mind of it's own, then you will really be able to see what you are dealing with.
ReplyDeleteGood post. -- Lucky Otter
Thanks LO. We are having Easter all together tomorrow.
ReplyDeleteI know I'm doing the best I can. But you know we have this tendency to want to diffuse bombs and such, even though it is out of our power. Thanks for your prayers.
Thanks LO. We are having Easter all together tomorrow.
ReplyDeleteI know I'm doing the best I can. But you know we have this tendency to want to diffuse bombs and such, even though it is out of our power. Thanks for your prayers.
I agree about the child too, see what happens when the baby has a mind of it' own. My narc mother and grandmother would gush over babies, and set the poor kid aside as soon as they had a mind of their own. I will pray the psychologist is wrong about your daughter too. You can only do what you can, and watch out for your grandchild to the best of your abilities. One thing many of the narcs do appear perfect while being anything but. I am glad you are not surrounded by Aunt Denials.
ReplyDeleteThanks Peep. I've educated everyone the best that I can. And we are very realistic. And yes, it is my experience that psychologists can be wrong. Her father is a narc, her grandmother is one, I still can't see this as being hereditary though. I don't think God would allow for someone to be born with no choice but to spend eternity in hell. And it is not even scriptural.
ReplyDeleteIn the meantime, its one day at a time.
See how it goes. If she is young enough there is always some hope of change. Psychologists don't always get it right. Some other conditions can look like narcissism too. I hope she is not a narcissist. I do think a choice is made even within the narcs at a certain point. A searing of the conscience is a self-chosen endeavor.
ReplyDeleteThanks Peep. She is doing remarkably well. Even more than I thought she would. She is very responsible, so I don't have that worry. So far so good. We talk on the phone almost every day. Or on facebook.
ReplyDelete