I'm sitting here by the computer with the sun shining through the window, and I think this is the first day in about a month that I've been happy, and enjoying the springtime. I'm off to quilting class tomorrow, I'm not sure what I'm doing yet as my projects have been laying still for a very long time. Today, I'm doing the laundry and hanging it outside to dry. The smell of the laundry hanging outside is phenomenal, how I miss that, winter seemed to last forever.
I'm thinking of a lot of things, and how my life got to be what it is today. I was not always able to enjoy the peace. I still am amazed that I got through college and studied engineering and graduated from it, although I was bullied all the way through. I took my whole class to the board at the college and they told me to let it go, and I did. Still somehow I made it through. I think it was by sheer determination that I got through. I have always been bullied, and I have a hard time watching a movie where an innocent lands in jail and watch them get tormented. I see myself.
So yeah, my college told me to let go and not listen to the bullies and they refused to do anything about it. And actually, they made it all my fault.
And when I got to be with my present husband, the bullies here tried to do me in too. But I talked about that previously, and I won. I won that battle, but now I feel sorry for my husband because it looks like he lost all his friends here. I told him we can make new friends in town.
It is weird how these narcs out here in the bush got to use him for plowing the roads, and he let it happen. He is not that way at all, no one gets to him. Not even his own daughter. He loves her, but he is willing to walk away from her, it might be necessary. I have the feeling she is controlled by a narc, her mother. I even had to watch what I say around her, and I refuse to do that anymore.
I'm getting a posting ready on relationships and it had me thinking how far I've come with that. It used to be easy to be needy, and seemed so necessary, that I did it all the time. It seemed normal. Afterall, my own mother did it with her boyfriend. She followed his rules, and he had such rules that you could tell he was a sociopath right away. But so was she. But at that time she became a needy narc, needing him to pay the bills, so she did what she was told.
I wouldn't last five minutes doing that with my husband. Any neediness on my part sends him straight out the door. To do something that makes him feel safe, as he wouldn't feel safe with me. And if I just wanted him to pay bills, and tried all the methods of pleasing in order to get it, he would sense that right away. Actually, that's what the neighbours here tried to set me up for. They told him that I was using him.
Recently, I wanted to reread an article posted up on my relationship site, that I couldn't find anymore. I sent her a message, and she sent me the article right away, and said one of her favorite things to do was to reread important articles. I felt so validated. At one time, I would not have done that, I would have just let it go. I let most things go, like I did with my college and the bullies. I don't do that anymore.
I've chosen to eradicate neediness in my life, even if it feels bad, I do it anyway. Life is about learning these things. And I'm thinking that if I was in contact with mother, it would be impossible to be anything but needy. She would be ordering me to be needy. She did that with her boyfriend, but I don't blame her, she has got to eat, and that is how she did it. She ate for twenty years by being needy.
Oh, I know neediness has a very different definition in society. It is the opposite actually. But I learned the truth. And it feels so good these days to be giving.
I know I still have things still missing inside me. That might be permanent. Maybe, I'm not aware of them, but that is a blessing. I don't want to be aware of what's missing inside me. I'm able to do what I have to on what I've got. I can enjoy the springtime, but I think my favorite season is fall. The colors here are just explosive.
I'm also enjoying this French Roast Coffee that I make right here at home. Good thing it's decaffeinated, or I'd be flying off the walls. The stuff is just so good. I am now on my third cup. I enjoy quilting, but then why am I procrastinating on it? I might get to it later on today, but I'm doing the laundry, writing, then later I'm going to be making some meatballs. How come I never get bored? Oh, also I need to vaccuum the mat by the door, strange how spring brings the mud in.
I still volunteer, and I have some food bank items from the church here at home that I need to bring soon. Too much to do. The rules of feminism say I should have a job, but I don't know how I would fit that into my life. lol
Actually, that is what I wanted to get to. That is why I'm posting today. The work world is full of sharks, and I have no teeth and claws. While I can do the work, my anxiety is just too much to bear. Feminism never protected me from that. Feminism threw me in with the sharks, and never cared if I was prepared to go out in the world. I would have loved to work in my field of engineering, and I did, but I kept getting fired over my anxiety. Something that seems illegal, but it is happening here, no doubt about it. The employers cover their butts so well.
I'm happy to have the life I have now, and would have chosen it eventually. But I've taken things down to a scientific level here at home. Everything has to be cooked to precision, I time everything and extrapolate this and that. Hard to explain.
But how would I have survived out in the real world? Maybe this needs to get out in the world right now. How would I have survived? Does anyone know?
Remember the narcs and bullies started this every man and woman should be an island garbage where needing other people is to be seen as a negative and a weakness. They really broke down a lot of the social contract with that crap. Community is people needing people. I am needy, I need my husband as a care-taker and why should any of us feel shame for needing people? This is a way the controllers have done a number on society. I know I would have been happiest just as a housewife, even if I had been healthy. Maybe a part time teaching job or something sane, instead of beating out my brains 70 hours a week exhausted until I would drop and alone. I favor the old school life and even my elderly friends in my old behind the types rural town told me life was far superior in the 50s and 60s as women.
ReplyDeleteThe work world rewards the sharks too. Eat or be eaten and that seems to be growing worse. The meannest most like men women ascend in it. Even the naturally nice are trained to be callous to go up the ranks. As I was raised to be a feminist with a super career, what a joke, the narcs had trained me to be a deferential scapegoat, I wasn't a sociopath or a ball buster. I think it's sad you were so anxious, but we know in many work areas, they want hardened robots and human emotions is something they don't want. The employers do cover their butts, many of the rules including old one's on discrimination are no longer being enforced. Feminism in many ways made the work world worse for women who did have to work, they had to be as hard as the men to survive. I would have been far happier in the old way of life. If it was the 1950s, my husband would have a good newspaper job, the bills would be paid, even being sick I could be home and would not be shamed for it.
Me too, I would be so helpless on my own. If I had to go on a disability, there would be a fight to get that too. If it even happened, there would be smirks all over the place to contend with.
ReplyDeleteI agree, life was simpler back in the day. I guess I just have it beating me in the head that I didn't succeed. But, my gosh, tell me how we didn't succeed. Just I didn't succeed in the narc sense. A ball-buster, lol, that's just terrible. lol but I guess that is what we were supposed to be, or become a scapegoat. And therein lies the problem that we have, this problem we have yet to solve if it is even possible.
But my mother, spouted on and on about independence, that men are just horrible, which didn't fit in line with her life. She wasn't independent, but she said she was, meanwhile she did what she was told by boyfriend narc.
I just love how this independence thing gets a big hoorah. If I was looking for a job now, I would need contacts, I would need people on my side, to vouch for me. Forget about applying online, they say, it doesn't work, but we are independent right. Oh, and I would need a boss willing to keep me on, no chance of that.
But I do prefer being at home, I don't know why it bugs me that I didn't succeed, when I know that I did.