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Saturday, April 25, 2015

Contentment vs My Mind

A Babbling Brook
As far as the emotional damage from the emotional molestation is concerned, sometimes I can be all fine, calm and serene, then all of a sudden I feel fear so powerful, and it just comes out of nowhere. For no reason.  I'm not sure if that's the case with a lot of people, I discovered it on my own.  Its the most awful feeling.  I remember having that feeling then just trying to block it and hope it goes away that way.  I would never let it just pass or try to feel through the pain to the original thought.  I do that now.  Its been helping.

My mother was a fear sucker.  She ate fear like it was a T-bone steak.  I was born to her, ok, and so therefore it was my regular job to make her "feel good".   Fear, panic, anxiety and humiliation was all the same to her.  If I lived my life of fine houses and cars, in no way would this make her feel good. This was not a normal human being.  It was even less than a nothing.  It fed on my fear.

Like I said before, no contact was just the first step.  This thing has to be obliterated from my mind and soul.  I think that is what Anna Valerious was talking about when she said that in regards to her mother, she was indifferent.  No pain, no anger, no love, just indifference.

I'm trying to get to that point now.  It feeds my anger to call my mother all kinds of names on here in blog world.  Anger is good.  Anger burns through the feelings of love I may have felt for mother at one time.  It was scary at first and now it is becoming more natural.  It doesn't make me a bad person. I still have compassion for my loved ones.  Just mother is no longer included as my loved ones.  Once the anger burns through then I will be indifferent.

I was afraid of anger.  I was afraid that it would turn me into a very hateful person.  But it has not done that.  Anger needs to do its work.  It needs to burn through any love I may have felt towards mother.

Is it important for me to feel indifferent towards mother?  Yes!!!!  I think this may be my freedom ticket.  It will restore my sanity.  My mind still looks to please, and if I'm not trying to please, then in my mind that means I'm unpleasant.  My gosh, I know logically that is not true at all.

And I now see things so much more realistically, that its getting kind of depressing.  No longer do I have the childlike innocence.  This whole thing has taken my innocence, where did it go?  Does being wiser make me less innocent?

Like for instance, and this is funny.  There was a fella at the bible study this week who said that there are times he feels jealous that his wife doesn't have to shave and he does.  In my mind, what certainty can he claim that his wife won't have to shave tomorrow.  I wanted to tell him that.  At anytime her hormones could go wacky and he and his wife would both be shaving.  That's the level of understanding of certainty that I have now.  But it has not given me peace.

Its sort of depressing.  Now I don't depend on certainty.  I just live one day at a time and really appreciate my loved ones and everything else here on earth.  I know that's what we are supposed to do but I still find it depressing.

Its necessary and good.  And I don't feel like getting towards indifference towards mother is just automatic.  I will have to depend on the anger, and try to fuel it when necessary.  Especially when a part of me wants to pity my mother.  I don't want to pity her, she doesn't even deserve my pity, but I do it sometimes anyway.  I think its an automatic thing.

Its like alcoholism, you have to let the addict die for the healthy person to live.  I don't know what indifference will bring to me, maybe nothing.  Maybe it will be a huge gift too.  I don't know, but I have to bring it to pass.

When I feel fear that comes out of nothing, it actually is coming from somewhere.  Some seeds from the past comes back to haunt me.  Things that were said to me to make me feel bad, so someone else can have pleasure.  Once I stop trusting those thoughts, maybe they will stop, I don't know.  It is worth the effort though.

When Lisette from House of Mirrors just posted up some stuff about narcs and gossip, I was seriously taken aback.  I remembered a scene in which a family that lived next door to us actually sold out of their farm and moved away.  Not too far away, just enough to get away from my crazy family and the gossip my mother was implying on the man's wife.  Gee, I have no idea how much money they lost doing that.  I suppose it may have been quite a lot.  I have no idea.  If I ever met them on the street I wouldn't know what to say, probably just shrug my shoulders.

But gee, maybe they are reading this, there is that possibility.  And if they are, then I feel badly for what happened, but not to the point of really feeling that badly, I can only feel so much badly here. Its not like I take responsibility for my family's behaviour.  These were my formative years.  And if they are reading this then I just want them to know that I didn't have a family, I had a family of origin, and there is a huge difference between the two.  And I do acknowledge their flight from being next door to the wacky people.  I was not one of those wacky people, I was trapped in it.

Speaking of taking flight, we were watching a movie about a woman escaping a rather perilous situation in a movie called, "Last Chance Cafe".  She found love and peace with a rancher.  My husband said it was like the story of my life.  "Did they make that movie in honor of you?"

That sucks.  I was so upset I couldn't discuss it.  It was embarrassing and humiliating.  He has never seen the things I have seen.  I was always on the run.  Lots of stories to tell, and it was amazing I got through and got help when I did.

But this feeling of living in reality sucks sometimes.  There were no magic Cinderella stories.  No fantastic things to tell here.   Not being in certainty is driving a hole into my innocence, and I'm sure I'm missing a big piece here.  And this part of not expecting or desiring approval is hard.  Living in authenticity, I just feel like I need some magic here.  Fireworks or something.  I never thought I'd reach the point of not having to worry about every little thing.

I just can't be happy with the bills paid and food on the table.  I'm not content with it, and I know I should be.  I was always on the run, depending on some kind of magical recovery.  In my mind it would have been everything.  But it is just life I guess.

I am no longer on the run.  I am more happy now than I ever was.  Not living in a state of constant panic is good.  I just thought it was supposed to be a big deal is all.

I still have daily struggles with fear and panic.  I'm just not on the run anymore.  What I have to go through now is nothing compared to my life and the way it was.

Maybe you can say that I got used to the chaos.  And I dreamed that the way out was going to be fantastic, so happy that I could explode.

I don't explode, but am I incapable of feeling joyful?  Are there permanent scars?  Ok, I'll say it, what's next for me to accomplish?  Oh, I hope I'm not one of those drama people who go looking for trouble just for excitement.  I don't think I am.  I am happy.  Just not the big deal I thought it was.

17 comments:

  1. I used to joke about when things were going well for me that it was time to screw it all up. There was a lot of truth in that statement. Not to the same length my parents took it. But I didn't feel right unless there was something chaotic going on. I would tell one of my buddies that I needed to pick a fight with the girl I was dating and get shed of the mundane and boring rut I was in. Considering I attracted women that were like my mother there was never a dull moment.

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  2. So that's it then, we are too used to the chaos. I figured that is what it was. Just I never reached the point of things going well before, so I didn't know what this was. So it was such a big deal to get here. I must remember that this is the normal state of my mind I guess. Just to accept it, and try not to screw things up.

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    1. I get nervous when things are too calm wondering when the shoes going to drop. I know I have some weird things in my mind like I have to worry about something so it doesn't happen :(

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  3. If you were raised by Eskimos you probably think snowshoes are fashionable. .

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  4. Its crazy, I just want to be like everyone else. Thanks Q this is a whole lot of acknowledgement. I won't do anything crazy, I just wanted to know why I felt this way, thanks for explaining it for me. Fighting was normal in my family, but I learned so much that I can't go back now.

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  5. That saying that you have to pick your battle wisely comes to mind. How about every one calm the f down and quit picking at each other. My mother used to follow me around the house pecking at me about some little something that didn't amount to nothing. She was so intent that as I moved around her house she would lean on the wall to stay in my field of vision and never miss a lick. Of course I wondered where this micromanagement was when she dumped me off at my grandmothers after my father died. Back then she wouldn't even pick me up from the airport when I flew back to town to try and rebuild my life.

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    1. My narcs did that too. Never left me alone. I barely remember my high school bedroom because I only got to sleep in it, and never got to spend any time alone. If I was awake they were bugging me and had me in their field of vision. There was this feeling of always being watched. :(

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  6. When fights used to happen, they came out of nowhere. Just an irritation I suppose. Its just more projecting your mother did, making things out of nothing. She needed to, that is what they do. It was annoying and hurtful at the same time. I think it was projecting. I can't say much about her getting rid of you then not picking you up. My mother would have done that, I was her prime supply, always was, not sure what she's doing now for supply. Maybe your mother found other sources that she got used to. You weren't necessary anymore. Sorry.

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  7. I wish I didn't get this Post or Q's comments. In my mid 20's I told a good friend if there wasn't something to worry about I'd find something because worry and anxiety were my normal state. She looked completely confused, "Why would you do that?" And I had no idea or response. Sad but true. And there's all the physical manifestations that go along with unremitting stress over decades. Our bodies/minds were never ment to live in that state. I realized not long ago I chose a high stress environment to work because it fulfilled my adrenalin rush junkie self. It felt normal to me.
    Joan, IMO and FWIW you're doing really well for less than a year on your journey. I know, I know, you want your feelings to straighten up and stop bein' all over the map, the pain to stop, big scary anger to shrink away and you want peace damnit! I don't know when that will come for you but I do know if you just keep putting one foot in front of the other, maintain solid NC, it will arrive without fanfare. Not what we're used to after all the CB Big Productions. When I first saw the title, "The Big Bang Theory" I thought it was a perfect name for a book or program on Cluster Bs!

    Q's comment about starting a fight with the girlfriend is absolutely what combat vets do, BTW. It seems we really have more in common with them than any other Trauma Cohort I've come cross. We're programmed for war so peace feels freakin' weird, like the suspense becomes overwhelming so we make the other shoe drop rather than get caught off-guard by our "mothers" detonating their next IED on our lives. Are you feeling she's getting ready to make another bombing run at you? I think we develope a sense about that after decades of "practice:" The absence of PIs etc. following me around taking pictures of me and my family, friends, going through my trash etc. for waaaayyy too long clued me in she probably FINALLY died. There were times when I was sure she was gonna outlive me. With all the crap she pulled over the post NC decades my sense is she would rather I was dead than maintain absolute hardcore NC.
    After all, there"s so much more Supply in being the "mother of a dead child" than one who'd NC'd decades previously.
    TW

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  8. Thanks TW. I guess its important for me to realize this. It is just a case of not being settled because I'm used to being unsettled. We will continue to wait for the other shoe to drop for a long time I guess. I remember when I first began this journey, I believe it was going to be so much better now, and it is, it really is. But what is better to my mind? I was trained from birth to feel fear, because it fed the pig that was attached to me. So what else is there? Not a whole lot going on, its just simplicity.

    Thanks for saying I've come a long way. It has taken me so long actually to get here. The Big Bang Theory would be a good title for Cluster B's. I do plan on maintaining solid NC forever. If I ever meet another blood relative that is not with me on this I will take the advice of Sister Renee and tell them to go away, then turn the other way. Those meetings are damaging.

    I don't feel that mother will come after me. I have my big guy here and he has told her off before and will again if necessary. I know I should be doing that, thats what I'm working on, I need to establish some indifference. But she won't come here, no way. I don't think I ever fought with her.

    But thanks, I will continue one step after another. I won't be making no crazy in my life. Just realizing why I feel like this is enough for me.

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  9. If you have seen the movie full metal jacket there is a guy they named "animal mother" he tries to pick a fight with the protagonist and one of the platoon guys comes up and says ignore him he's a good soldier and is great to have around in a fire fight he just needs someone to follow him around throwing grenades at him for the rest of his life. TW's comment made me think of it. If you can stand profanity here's the link.
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iH5R4tgGdDk

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    1. I hate to be like that guy. Its hard to be content actually. Just waiting for something to go wrong. Perhaps it is better to always be in a crisis then you have peace. You feel safer when the grenades are going off, better than waiting for them to go off.

      When I think of neighbours selling out to get away from my family, I guess they didn't like the grenades.

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  10. I definitely feel indifference regarding my mother, but it took a long time to get there. Unfortunately I don't feel indifferent about my father or siblings, so that's still raw and sad for me because they are under her thumb.

    I really hate chaos and drama, so I avoid it. To a fault, probably. My sister is someone who chooses to live in a swirl of drama, so I do get it because I watched her experience her own trauma from my mother in that way.

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    1. When I was little and mother was giving us the silent treatment it was my sister who stepped in to the caretaker role. Its hard for me to feel indifference towards my sister even though she is in the fog. My father seemed so stable but he was ignoring what was going on.

      I hate the chaos but the familiarity of it I am used to. Right now it just feels like I'm not living my life, but I have transferred bodies.

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  11. I wonder what it would have been like getting the silent treatment from my mother. I have received it from girlfriends and others just not her. I just can't process what that would have been like. I reflexively want to say silence from her would have been great. But she always found a way to make you feel stupid and small so I am sure her silent treatment would have had a weird twist on it.

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  12. Yep. The silent treatment came with being you were an idiot and she was righteous. It was emotional blackmail to get what she wanted from you. After a couple of days you would give in. I remember getting the silent treatment over wanting my boundaries. I was not left alone ever, and one day I did say I wanted to be alone for awhile. This invoked the silent treatment.

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  13. I feel fear all the time. I think it has helped destroy my health. I had panic attacks for years. I may write about this soon and how horrible my anxiety is. I was even diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder by one therapist, PTSD by multiples. My life seems one of hyper-vigilance. When I became an an adult, I would have some good calm days and would sit back and even inside think "Whew, I am not with them anymore, thank God"! I hate drama, though I realize as I got older, I had to learn not to do every battle, today I just get away and go silent, but sometimes panic picking up the pieces others smashed around. I think one reason I can't deal with fear, is my mother is sociopathic and does not feel fear, and I had no modeling on how to deal with fear.

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