Contentment vs My Mind

A Babbling Brook

As far as the emotional damage from the emotional molestation is concerned, sometimes I can be all fine, calm and serene, then all of a sudden I feel fear so powerful, and it just comes out of nowhere. For no reason.  I'm not sure if that's the case with a lot of people, I discovered it on my own.  Its the most awful feeling.  I remember having that feeling then just trying to block it and hope it goes away that way.  I would never let it just pass or try to feel through the pain to the original thought.  I do that now.  Its been helping.

My mother was a fear sucker.  She ate fear like it was a T-bone steak.  I was born to her, ok, and so therefore it was my regular job to make her "feel good".   Fear, panic, anxiety and humiliation was all the same to her.  If I lived my life of fine houses and cars, in no way would this make her feel good. This was not a normal human being.  It was even less than a nothing.  It fed on my fear.

Like I said before, no contact was just the first step.  This thing has to be obliterated from my mind and soul.  I think that is what Anna Valerious was talking about when she said that in regards to her mother, she was indifferent.  No pain, no anger, no love, just indifference.

I'm trying to get to that point now.  It feeds my anger to call my mother all kinds of names on here in blog world.  Anger is good.  Anger burns through the feelings of love I may have felt for mother at one time.  It was scary at first and now it is becoming more natural.  It doesn't make me a bad person. I still have compassion for my loved ones.  Just mother is no longer included as my loved ones.  Once the anger burns through then I will be indifferent.

I was afraid of anger.  I was afraid that it would turn me into a very hateful person.  But it has not done that.  Anger needs to do its work.  It needs to burn through any love I may have felt towards mother.

Is it important for me to feel indifferent towards mother?  Yes!!!!  I think this may be my freedom ticket.  It will restore my sanity.  My mind still looks to please, and if I'm not trying to please, then in my mind that means I'm unpleasant.  My gosh, I know logically that is not true at all.

And I now see things so much more realistically, that its getting kind of depressing.  No longer do I have the childlike innocence.  This whole thing has taken my innocence, where did it go?  Does being wiser make me less innocent?

Like for instance, and this is funny.  There was a fella at the bible study this week who said that there are times he feels jealous that his wife doesn't have to shave and he does.  In my mind, what certainty can he claim that his wife won't have to shave tomorrow.  I wanted to tell him that.  At anytime her hormones could go wacky and he and his wife would both be shaving.  That's the level of understanding of certainty that I have now.  But it has not given me peace.

Its sort of depressing.  Now I don't depend on certainty.  I just live one day at a time and really appreciate my loved ones and everything else here on earth.  I know that's what we are supposed to do but I still find it depressing.

Its necessary and good.  And I don't feel like getting towards indifference towards mother is just automatic.  I will have to depend on the anger, and try to fuel it when necessary.  Especially when a part of me wants to pity my mother.  I don't want to pity her, she doesn't even deserve my pity, but I do it sometimes anyway.  I think its an automatic thing.

Its like alcoholism, you have to let the addict die for the healthy person to live.  I don't know what indifference will bring to me, maybe nothing.  Maybe it will be a huge gift too.  I don't know, but I have to bring it to pass.

When I feel fear that comes out of nothing, it actually is coming from somewhere.  Some seeds from the past comes back to haunt me.  Things that were said to me to make me feel bad, so someone else can have pleasure.  Once I stop trusting those thoughts, maybe they will stop, I don't know.  It is worth the effort though.

When Lisette from House of Mirrors just posted up some stuff about narcs and gossip, I was seriously taken aback.  I remembered a scene in which a family that lived next door to us actually sold out of their farm and moved away.  Not too far away, just enough to get away from my crazy family and the gossip my mother was implying on the man's wife.  Gee, I have no idea how much money they lost doing that.  I suppose it may have been quite a lot.  I have no idea.  If I ever met them on the street I wouldn't know what to say, probably just shrug my shoulders.

But gee, maybe they are reading this, there is that possibility.  And if they are, then I feel badly for what happened, but not to the point of really feeling that badly, I can only feel so much badly here. Its not like I take responsibility for my family's behaviour.  These were my formative years.  And if they are reading this then I just want them to know that I didn't have a family, I had a family of origin, and there is a huge difference between the two.  And I do acknowledge their flight from being next door to the wacky people.  I was not one of those wacky people, I was trapped in it.

Speaking of taking flight, we were watching a movie about a woman escaping a rather perilous situation in a movie called, "Last Chance Cafe".  She found love and peace with a rancher.  My husband said it was like the story of my life.  "Did they make that movie in honor of you?"

That sucks.  I was so upset I couldn't discuss it.  It was embarrassing and humiliating.  He has never seen the things I have seen.  I was always on the run.  Lots of stories to tell, and it was amazing I got through and got help when I did.

But this feeling of living in reality sucks sometimes.  There were no magic Cinderella stories.  No fantastic things to tell here.   Not being in certainty is driving a hole into my innocence, and I'm sure I'm missing a big piece here.  And this part of not expecting or desiring approval is hard.  Living in authenticity, I just feel like I need some magic here.  Fireworks or something.  I never thought I'd reach the point of not having to worry about every little thing.

I just can't be happy with the bills paid and food on the table.  I'm not content with it, and I know I should be.  I was always on the run, depending on some kind of magical recovery.  In my mind it would have been everything.  But it is just life I guess.

I am no longer on the run.  I am more happy now than I ever was.  Not living in a state of constant panic is good.  I just thought it was supposed to be a big deal is all.

I still have daily struggles with fear and panic.  I'm just not on the run anymore.  What I have to go through now is nothing compared to my life and the way it was.

Maybe you can say that I got used to the chaos.  And I dreamed that the way out was going to be fantastic, so happy that I could explode.

I don't explode, but am I incapable of feeling joyful?  Are there permanent scars?  Ok, I'll say it, what's next for me to accomplish?  Oh, I hope I'm not one of those drama people who go looking for trouble just for excitement.  I don't think I am.  I am happy.  Just not the big deal I thought it was.