 |
| I think this is the worst picture I ever took but yeah, I take all my own pictures now |
And it didn't happen. It was awhile ago now, and still I can't let it go. Maybe because I have so much more to say on this subject. As my consciousness opens up, I'm finding reality.
I had this dream last night. I dreamt that I was eating at this restaurant. The food was full of bugs. The rest of the restaurant patrons were eating it very well, and enjoying it. I went up to some people and asked, "How can you enjoy that? Don't you see the bugs?"
"Its ok, the restaurant can't help keep the bugs out of the food and we eat it anyway. Its still very good. Just try not to look at the bugs." Was the reply.
In a way, I was throwing blame on my aunt, for never acknowledging this. And this didn't sit well with her. She didn't want to be the blame. I wasn't blaming her, but essentially by putting the truth in her face, she felt any acknowledgement on her part, she would be the blame.
So she threw the whole thing back on my shoulders, and I think that is what I've been struggling with. She didn't say this was all my fault, but she had to, she had to put this blame on me, or otherwise how would she live with it? She can't live with it. So therefore she took the easier route. That is, to blame me.
She even brought up the fact that I stayed in many women's shelter's throughout my life. That she even donates to them. Nice!
That's guilt right there.
I don't even blame her for what happened to me throughout my formative years. What could she have done? Very little I imagine. All I wanted that day I met her, was for her to accept me. I wanted some acknowledgement of the truth. I wanted her to say, "Yes, I understand and I don't blame you for hating your mother, and thank God you went no contact. At least you can live in peace now." That is all I wanted.
But that didn't happen. It is never going to happen. Not ever. I must accept this now, and live in peace regardless of anyone accepting it.
I remember back through the years, and things were tough. They were the days of the third wave feminist! Empowerment for women. This whole movement was about to bury me! I hate it. It brought nothing but pain and shame to me.
If you are a super feminist about to blast me in my comment section, then blast away. I will bold your comment for you, so everyone can see what a stupid ass you are! You might tell me I can't blame the feminists, but I'm going to anyway, so there :P I alone have the power, or rather should I say "empowerment", given what I had gone through.
I take possession of blasting this stupid movement! Because I can!
Getting back to what I said, the feminist movement told me to do this or that. I couldn't do this or that, I had not the street know how. Feminists are street people, pure and simple. Able to do anything. I was never allowed or taught how to be a person for myself. Wonderful feminists where were you then, for this wonderful girl child.
I wander around trying to feel my way through this, and this anger takes right over. There will come a day.
I'm sure I can tell my aunt was saying to me, "You can't blame everything that went wrong with your life on your mother." She essentially did say it. So I can't blame feminists and I can't blame my mother. Who's left? Me?
Of course, this is all my fault. Just like it was my fault to get punched in the face, unable to work for a living.
Unable to work for a living. Lets talk a bit about that shall we? Shall we talk about poverty, starvation, homelessness etc, etc? This was all my fault? You think? Don't you think I wanted more? That anyone would want more? One person told me that I had a snowballs chance in hell of ever being successful. I guess that is my fault too. The anxiety, constantly living in a state of panic, I must have chose this.
Maybe without feminism, my ex would have been forced to put on his big boy pants and go to work. He would not be given the coveted title of househusband who spent his days sitting around, eating, sleeping, masturbating on the computer. Without feminism these things were never allowed. You feminists go and try to explain this one to me. You go and explain to me that his not working was all ok. That is was my job to get a job to support us all. Because now we have equal rights. Yay!
That is the equivalent of telling me that I'm going to fly to the moon all by myself. But I have no rocket. Doesn't matter. You can build your own rocket, fly out into outer space, imagine the empowerment? Even if I can't fly a rocket after I somehow manage to build a rocket, it doesn't matter. You can learn to fly, imagine the empowerment!
Awesome. I am going to research all I can to learn all I can about rocket building and flying them. The information is out there. And I'm going to be empowered. Imagine the approval I would get for doing this. The empowerment. And I am going to have my rocket built by sundown. Hey, its possible, isn't it? Didn't you tell me that nothing is impossible?
I thought I had some good things to say about feminism, like they built women's shelters for me. Oh well, I can blow that one out of the water too.
Or the former exhusband. Drug dealer. Emotionally dependent, abusive. Go to a women's shelter, empower yourself. Make yourself a future, get a job. Live on welfare.
I just want to let you know that I do all things now without feminism. At the end of the day all I want is to be loved and cherished. To have a roof over my head. To have regular meals. To live in peace. I have learned that. I have found my true self and it had nothing to do with feminism.
Somehow I have survived all this. Somehow, I got through. And I shall continue to get through.
In AA they call that the white elephant sitting in the room that no one will acknowledge. When people see and know the real story and that what you are telling them is probably the truth but it is easier to let it all go for another day. I consider that insult to injury. I live in the same town as my ex wife and I am sure if I see her she will scold me for going No Contact. Anything but cop to the fact she stole my sisters and my inheritance by sucking up to my mother and letting her die. She will speak with authority about my childhood like she was there, but in reality all she can do is regurgitate the lies my mother told her about us because I pretty well saw my mother every day and I don't ever remember seeing my ex wife around during the hard times created by my mother.
ReplyDeleteThe betrayal of the bystanders is like a doubling down of the abuse. Mine will never stand against my mother. I am sure they will name more children after a narc, while my name disappears into the mist. I am sorry you live in the same town as your ex-wife. Yes she was another one suckered by the lies but she profited in believing them. I am glad the closest relative to me is 75 miles and the rest are over 200 miles away.
DeleteThanks Q. I'm learning to accept it. By not accept it I'm feeling blamed. Its like I want to just lose it. Its this whole life of mine was so screwed up. And now I just want to lose it. None of it was my fault. I want an actual physical voice to say that for me. Its ok, though. I know what you mean. I can't believe that crazy ex stole, yes that's the word STOLE you and your sisters inheritance. But of course she will hold you accountable for things that weren't your fault for the rest of your life. Things she didn't know. She took absolute control.
ReplyDeleteYou had a good portion of your life stolen too, Joan. I can't imagine not being absolutely furious as you acknowledge what happened and how the people you were born hard wired to bond with betrayed you. The first time I came face to face with the minimizing, obfuscating, rationalizing etc. I felt totally whiplashed. Then I got really furious at essentially being called a liar and that propelled me forward to NC.
ReplyDeleteThat dream is very representative of what's up in your mind these days, just ignore the obvious disgusting reality and suck it up, buttercup. Just like the rest of them are willing to do.
"I shall continue to get through." Exactly.
What's wrong with the picture? Look at the angle of the sun. It"s pretty tricky to take a picture from the vehicle in any event and it turned out fine IMO. We have a lot of "rock farmers" here too! Again, Thanks for the pictures.
TW
Hi TW, I've got some new pictures, much better I believe. What you say is true. What I grew up with and reality are two separate things. And yeah, I can't believe that was a real dream. Those bugs were real, and I was told to pretend they were part of the meal. Get over it.
DeleteI don't minimize anything these days, I have a few survival mechanisms, like authenticity, but its very hard to press into sometimes. Its like I see things, that are not real sometimes. So I have that key word to rely on.
Yes, I love the photography and nature. Its like I'm Austin Stevens. I'm getting a little daring because I'm hoping to catch something very interesting. See, we can live our lives better instead of just being afraid.
It's pretty wild when you realize that all you were to them was someone to ruin. If you have seen Shawshank Redemption morgan freeman says They give you life and that's exactly what they take. We are worth more than some insane persons recreation. I am still working on that. How cheap my mother must have thought my life was that she turned it all into a dollar store transaction.
ReplyDeleteIt is wild Q. Someone that you trusted totally, from birth, was only out to ruin me. She could have chose better for me and for herself. Just a little better maybe even, but she didn't she chose destruction. And yes we were worth more. We will spend a long time working on things, but it is important to realize we must live our lives too. I personally don't intend to spend too much time working on things.
DeleteAs far as your mother treating you like a dollar store transaction, that was her choosing and her doing. And it was wrong.
Someone posted a video I think it was smakintosh about how narcs desire to ruin you. We were set up from birth. Life is cheap to narcs. They do not have the attachements to care. The people around them are objects to be utilized for their own elevation.
DeleteAnd all the while my mother ...I read someone else use this about their narc parent. How they were the only person they know that can strut while sitting in a chair.
ReplyDeleteNo one accepted my truths either Joan. I talked to nothing but stupid brick walls until I got up and left.
ReplyDeleteI was blamed for everything too. Being fat, not having money. I even had the thought today, my mother would mock me having to go on insulin with rude comments about my weight. Still denied medical records and still scared. I know I will get no answers from those people.
Those in thrall to narcs shut down their consciences like your aunt, they admit nothing is wrong. In that way they are horrible people to be around, I noticed with mine, I never was going to break out of the scapegoat role until I got out of Dodge.
I think they enjoy blaming us. After all the family system taught them to treat us as the trash can. Think of the cruelty of throwing in the fact you had to stay in women's shelters. My poverty was thrown in my face even in the days where husband was working as an assistant newspaper editor.
I know I wanted some to say to me, your mother treated you horrible, we understand. Instead I got the ones who said, Yes we know she disrespects you but you are being paranoid. They acted as if I was at fault for this disrespect. I knew I was "nothing" to them. I am "dead" to them ahead of schedule. They wouldn't have noticed anyhow.
I no longer want or expect their acceptance or love. It's too late. Yes we have to live in peace with this.
As you know feminism was used to beat the crap out of me. Get a job, sink or swim baby, I hate feminism. Feminism became a movement of rich narcissistic women. They claim we can't blame the feminists but I remember I lambasted the MS. magazine forum saying they were all rich women who were out touch and that it was a friggin joke jobs that can't be dependent on or even to pay a living wage in most cases were empowering. .
Feminists are narcs, hustlers, aggressive and woe to the woman who is too sensitive, or artistic or "soft" in that crowd. I remember the constant voices telling me to be "hard", telling me to throw femininity in the trash.
I wander around trying to feel my way through this, and this anger takes right over. Funny feminists think they are for freedom but they made the prison bars thicker and demanded more conformity. I don't see eccentrics getting too many jobs nowadays, the ball buster butch suit and mean face are requirements for the corporations.
My narcs told me everything was my fault. Sadly I told them, "Im sorry for getting sick, I'm sorry for not getting jobs--that cruel people at desks destroyed my and my husband life on a whim while good 6 figure jobs were handed out to them like candy. How about "I'm sorry that my family were conscienceless jerks?"
Seriously to be successful in America now, isn't about head knowledge, skills, etc, some of those might get ahead if they have enough capital for their own business, but it's the cruelest, the most conformist, the most narc getting to the top.
LOL about your ex. I see a litany of men around here who live as househusbands. To me they are barely men. Some are older and disabled and or caretakers, that is okay, but healthy young ones with no disabilities or disabled person to care for, it is sad, they gave up their manhood in my opinion. I always wonder why their rich corporate narc women won't even spare their paramours a simple mail-room job ,but I guess a slave with a little spending money of their own is too dangerous.
They tell us lies about how this world really works. Work hard and the money will be there is one.
I just think with my mind I would have done better without feminism. For me it was sink or swim too. Without feminism I think the men would have been men at least. My ex used to brag about being androgynous. That term was in thy psychology books back in the 80's and it was treated as something that men should strive to be. It means a balance between being masculine and feminine. He was emotional, but not a good emotional, not authentic. He used his emotions to manipulate, it wasn't real. He used his emotions to shut me down.
DeleteSo when we lived in poverty, it was all my fault, because he was "well balanced". I guess I was not. Even my mother told me that I was not to have children. And that's why she never bothers with my children, because I wasn't supposed to even have them. So that is kinda good in a way.
But yeah, someone has to be the blame, and I guess its always the scapegoat.
Yes my life would have been better without feminism. I think men would have been men. I want to be taken care of by a man. Some feminists would be horrified to see me write that. I don't think andogyony is always a good thing, no way. he could switch back and forth to what suited him. He could be a crappy provider and use it as a "cover".
DeleteI expect my husband to protect me and take care of me. Financially this hasn't always worked out beyond both our control, I have been the majority earner even on disability sometimes, but that is the ideal. He is my caretaker due to medical problems but I do believe men are supposed to protect women.
Delete