It's funny that some people are just too entitled. I feel lack of entitlement, like I don't deserve anything but to be miserable. It is my lot in life. Can you even imagine how hard it is to get my needs met this way? If I am not even supposed to exist. Oh, I'm allowed to exist as a body, but that is it. In no way was I entitled happiness or just to be sad for no reason. I always had my feelings and thoughts defined for me by mother.
Suppose I did have contact with mother. She would walk in here with a blast of energy and I would be forced to take on that energy. Anything else about me, well, too bad. I remember now I would always look at mother's eyes for my existence. In them I would know what to say or how to act.
First off she would walk in here looking for a way to humiliate me. Like I can't do anything properly. Here't the thing about my engulfing mother. Nothing I could do or ever do would have achieved peace with her. There was no peace in her. If she couldn't find something to bitch at me for the rages would start. So essentially it is better for me to be less in order for her to feed. It is not good to go to that place of having nothing to feed this monster.
Lately, I've been allowing myself to come up with a new self. There is a work to be done here, lets get it out in the open.
I've said before that mother doesn't exist. Well, what I mean is the idea that there is a mother. This creature was only a feeder of emotions. It couldn't nor ever would have been my mother. It is a harrowing fact that I never had a mother. Those parts that gave birth to me, well, that is all they did. It gave me life and that life was the property of her.
So now stepping out of that sense of "belonging to mother" feels rather naked. The person that I was to be never came to pass, and now that it has, its very despised. I feel despised at times. Only because mother said I was so I could move myself over to allow her engulfing.
What I'm working on now is to despise myself no more. I think the only way I can do that is to entirely evict the evil presence of mother. No contact was just the first step. I wrote a posting a while back called, Attachment I don't think I knew what the heck I was talking about in that posting. Not really. I had a sense of what I was saying.
I'm not saying that I still love my mother. No, not at all. But just today I felt this sense of being despised. Here I was going to church on the very first real spring day we had. I couldn't even step out of the truck, I was so afraid. If I would have stepped out I could have taken some cool pictures of streams running and maybe some growth in the bushes. But I didn't. I stayed close to safety. Last week I saw an otter too. Things are coming to life and here I was all terrified, closed up with fear.
Fear is sort of unrealistic for me these days. As much as I tell myself there is nothing at all for me to be afraid of (and there isn't) I still feel it, not just lingering, but as a deep grief that I'm doing something wrong. I'm leaving mother behind. I'm never talking to her anymore. Not that I'm grieving that, but I still maybe I feel guilty. And guilty is very unrealistic in my life right now too.
Last weekend, my husband got into a huge fight with his daughter. The three of us were in the sitting room here and he fell asleep. He tends to fall asleep when he is not doing anything. I commented on this to her and I told her that sometimes I would like to get a water pistol and spray him. We both laughed. I turned my head and closed my eyes as she walked into the kitchen. Then she poured a huge glass of water over his head.
He exploded at her. I tried unsuccessfully to stop the fight. I gave up and went outside for some fresh air. Less than 2 minutes later he was outside. I didn't know what to say to him, and he just looked at me. I told him it was my fault and I mentioned the water pistol story I told her, he just looked at me. He said she is leaving, that she is packing up and going back home. Her visit was over early.
This all started from something that I said.
But think about it for a moment. To me, shooting him while he was fast asleep would be outrageous. I would never do it, I just talked about it, never would I do it. It would be even more horrible to have water dumped on your head!
How could she have easily have done that is beyond me. But maybe not. She was easily suggested to do it, I think.
Not long after her mother called here, wanting to know what happened because her daughter came to her crying. I said they would work it out. Just be there for her, but they'll work it out. Then I hang up the phone. I was so glad he didn't pick up the phone or he would have fought with her too. I still think it was brazen of her to call here.
That family does exactly what they are told. She needs her brakes changed on her car. She told her father he was changing the brakes on her car. She didn't ask, it was a form of asking. He also has this type of "equal" relationship with his daughter. It's like they are friends. She crosses boundaries with me even. She kind of puts me down in order to make me feel like I'm "in" with them. For instance, she smacks me on the shoulder as a game. I don't see my kids hitting me, I'm very against hitting. I do not put up with hitting and I told my husband that too. He says he doesn't understand it either.
His daughter grew up split between two households. His home, when he was married to someone else at the time, and her mother. Her mother was married four times, he was married to someone else, who was controlling.
So when I suggested shooting him with a water pistol, she doused him! I think she is under the control of a narcissist. No boundaries even, and full of fleas.
Because when I'm with her talking one on one, our conversations are so nice and normal. And this I believe is her true authentic self. Where she can let her guard down and feel safe.
Around her father, she is rather nervous and scared even. She has even said that the way he talks to me is like no one else. I told her to just relax and be yourself. And my rule is please and thank you. I never walk on eggshells around him, but she either blasts him or walks on eggshells. And she gets under his skin that way. She does things that are way out of bounds, and I can't seem to get him to understand that she doesn't mean too. He has completely lost patience with her.
He has this reputation of being this really tough guy. In fact, he straightened out one crew at work, and now his boss has given him a new crew. He doesn't get it, but I do. They are finding him so efficient at work, and keeps the teams doing their job. I'm sure he's fair to the guys at work, but he can't be crossed, that simple.
I just can't get him to get along with his daughter, as she crosses boundaries, and all it does is piss him off to the point where he can't see past that anger into understanding. I never have issues with him. I'm very free to be vulnerable and authentic with him. I'm ok with him because I never cross boundaries, I guess. Well, maybe, sometimes, but it can be overlooked when I don't do it all the time. But I guess for some families, crossing boundaries is a sense of belonging to them. Not for me.
So yeah, I'm kinda stuck.
But back to the water throwing. I felt so guilty. Thinking it was all my fault, and I told him this, he never said anything. But I saw something else brewing. She is constantly asking him for money. He helped her out once out of a financial issue, but since she has been getting many tattoos, he has never given her money again. I told him once, "Well, why not just buy or pay for what she needs?" He said no, because he said even that would allow her too much freedom to blow money on tattoos and other frivolities. She has money, she just finds other priorities, and expects him to pick up the slack. I have seen it. She is never going to get supported by her father, he is not like that. Besides, she never asks, just says, "Oh, you have to give me some money, the kids are starving." And she sort of cases the place looking for things that cost money, like a freezer full. She says, "I can't afford that, must be nice." Even my level of comfort is at a crisis.
Oh well, I digress. But this is just a little too much for a survivor of child abuse, I must say. This fighting, arguing. It has got to stop, I told him this. If this was my bio child I would have told her to stop, this is none of her business and that would be that. But I can't do that, I told him to do that. He just looks at me pensively, that's all.
But getting back to finding my identity after being engulfed by mother. This is not easy. This attachment is taking over my day. I couldn't even enjoy a happy spring day and just step out of the truck and take pictures. I was so lost in fear. I still feel mother blaming me, humiliating me, telling me right now that my whole house is in crisis. "Look what you done." She would say regarding the water episode. And, "Look what your aunt said to you, you are a horrible person".
Its too easy to feel blamed. I could overlook a beautiful day and see the dark clouds moving in all the time! I can't step out of this fear of mother tormenting me. That's what I get when I feel. I still remember being a little child playing happily on the swing, then the next second sitting on the ground feeling terrible about myself. I still have holes in my memory. I still can't place this blame entirely on mother's shoulders. She was the adult, she was the one who should have protected me from blame.
Can I yell back at mother? Can I scream at her? There seems to be this barrier that I can't cross yet, and no contact was only the beginning. The rest of the way would be removing this out of my way and saying that mother was no good, nothing good ever came out her mouth, so stop listening to her. And feel that feeling down into my emotions. It is time to end this. My existence is my own. And my existence is not despised.
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