Life Is Not Easy for the ACoN

Early Fall

Being buried alive all my life has been making things hard.  A few postings ago I was talking about abusive relationships, but I trailed off.  I wanted to get back to it again.  I tend to naturally gravitate towards feeling scared, and it is a great work to go the other way.  Well, I've been reading here and there on relationships sites, trying to find information that is cheaper than the stuff I've been frequenting on. Its strange, because I can't pay the thousands of dollars for the information I want, instead I've been finding some stuff, a lot of stuff, that is cheap and appears to be good and authentic.

But they don't give anything for free.  A lot of reading with little information that just sends you to a credit card info area where you can pay.  Not a lot of money but maybe 20$.  And the information they give is not deep enough for someone like me.  They say that if he isn't giving commitment the way I want it, I am just to start dating other men.  So I scrapped a lot of that information.  Seriously, if you are in a long term marriage or relationship, we must show more compassion than that.

If the idea is to be high value, then that does not mean looking for new men.  High value means staying the course even when it gets hard, you don't start bailing.  This is hard.  It is hard for the emotionally secure woman it will be on the exponential for me for sure.  But I got to do it. Otherwise, from my trusted site, I will only attract the very same kind of man.

And we must be prepared to do the very hard.  And life did not give us an easy early start to prepare us.

From the information I do have from my trusted site, I've come a long way.  And I am still going further with it.  I am enough.  That's it.  Just that simple phrase can propel me to great things.  I don't have to prove to myself or anyone else that I am ok the way I am, I can just be.  Not easy, I know, but it is something to practice.  But hard when you've been buried alive in your body.

With that simple phrase I can believe that I don't have to go to outside sources (like other men) or outside myself for validation.  And that no one has to approve of me either.  When my husband doesn't give me the love I crave, then it is up to me to give it to myself.  Give it instead.  When I'm up against the pain of not being enough and that everyone wants to hurt me, and I face all that, then I release that pain, that is sometimes physical then I can be enough.  But not until I go there.  Sigh.

I've been buried alive.  I don't know which way is up.  I found the relationship site, I found the online ACON community, and that is really all I've got.  Everywhere else, I am weird.  When I leave the house I have got to have my emotional resources all intact, or I just start acting up.  I remember mother would trigger reactions from me, and this is what I am.

There is a lot of pain.  Mother never did give me validation.  I felt so horrible for so long, that I wonder now how I ever put up with her in my adult state.  There were times she was very impossible but still I kept her as my mother.  There was no one who would tell me that this was a monster.

And how could they?  There are too many facebook memes that extol the virtues of a mother. I was going to go find some and post them here, but you know what I'm talking about.  While on the onset of these memes, saying that every mother is good and loving and God's angel here to protect you, you friggin know there are dead children everywhere (Kaley Anthony for one example) plus other people who are institutionalized over "mothers".

These memes are a slap in the face.  Slapping the child abuse victim over and over again.  Like we are wrong, that even though she was horrible, she was very good and did her job well as a mother.  I personally think these memes should be illegal, imagine what would happen if someone extolled the virtues of Adolf Hitler, saying that he was great and loving and that he loved animals and was a vegetarian.

Then we have these pity party fests for abusers.  "Oh, imagine how your poor mother feels."  Sigh, can't talk about that or my brain will explode.

You know, its funny.  I was just talking to a friend's sister last night and she talked to me like I was someone she knew for a very long time.  I would not even be able to tell my nieces out of a crowd, and I have no idea what they even look like anymore.  My family has been plowed over.

But, I have to be careful of what I say and do.  I don't have the ability to talk right and sometimes the things that come out of my mouth shocks people.  I did it the other day, and I can't remember what I said but I remember I shocked a few people.  I intend in keeping to myself more.

Did I waste my time going to therapy all my life?  They told me that I had low self-esteem, but I needed to know why, so that any healing could ever happen.  Oh, my last therapist was great, but would have been better than great if she had the information I needed.  I imagine what it would be like to go to her now, if I could explain everything.  She was a good therapist, I'll give her that.

So nowadays I have an internet website on relationships that I can turn to.  She gives me great information, even though I can't pay for the paid for stuff.  But she gives a lot of info for free.  So I've been thinking on it lately.  So, I don't need to take from the world the emotional resources.  Or rather expect emotional resources from anyone.

I was talking about this to a friend.  Do I expect people to treat me well?  She said that people should treat me well.  Well, I have a different take on that.  Suppose someone is not going to treat me well. Am I to give a crap how others treat me?  Why do I have to give a crap how others treat me?

Well, I suppose you could say that if they don't treat me well it will make me feel badly.  Ok, that is the clincher, the metabolic start of self-esteem.  I am expecting others to treat me well.  I want something from them.  Another emotional resource I need outside of myself.

That gives me no control.  I will be fluttering in the wind again .  I can't control how others treat me.  I can't control what I need from others.  They might not give me the respect I feel I "deserve".  Respect must come from within myself.  And if others treat me badly, well, I can choose to feed that or decide to move on.  Either way, it is not up to me what the heck their behaviour towards me is.

I can't even expect the DH to treat me well.  No?  Of course I can't expect that.  Don't go there.  What he does is his issue.  I can't control it.  What I give from myself I give to myself.  And I must realize that his level of commitment with me is not his fault or mine.  It is not even logical.  It is emotional, and that is just the way it is.  It is life.  If I want something from him I must always come from a place of love.

I know its hard to understand, perhaps I should make an example.

We can only attract our reciprocal.  We are the same.  I am fearful, he is fearful.  I did not attract someone who is not fearful, it is impossible.  At the time we met, things were bad, a lot of men I was dating ran away.  He didn't.  For he felt comfortable.  If he met a woman who was less fearful, he might have been scared off.  Or she might have wanted more than this fearful man.  We have attracted eachother, and we are equals.

Imagine a guy who is bugging you for sex, and when you don't give it, he gets mad.  In my relationship site this means the man doesn't have the confidence within himself to feel like he can give an emotional resource like caring.  He is into taking the emotional resource instead.  "Your bad, I am mad".  I've heard of this happening.  And in turn she gives sex, not as a way of showing love, but only to keep him from getting mad.  These are reciprocals.   Hey, it happens.

But if he is a high value man, he has the stuffing to show that he cares about how she feels, but otherwise he knows he has the ability to make her swoon.  He doesn't need to come from a desperate place.  He is more concerned about her than he is about his own feelings.  He stays in his own body and truly and actually feels concerned for her.  And he knows he has the ability to make her swoon regardless.  But he doesn't need to prove it.  Or he has no need to feel rejected by her, for he doesn't feel rejected.  Unless she has said something mean to him, he won't feel rejected.  The only way he can feel rejected is is she has said something mean to him, or the rejection comes from himself.

I used to hate the idea of expecting things from people.  It made me feel so powerless, and useless.   No, we are that love, that light, and we will know it.  And we will attract that such person.

It sounds like I am saying to blame yourself if you are caught up in an abusive relationship.  Not at all.  I am just preferring to come from a place of power.  I can't do anything to change anyone else.  I have no control over the other person.  So I want to let that go.  But I see the well of power within myself.  It is amazing.  I am enough and I can walk right into this house, knowing, not expecting, that I will be treated well.  And if he doesn't treat me well, then I won't know what that even means and I can say no to it.  So I must cultivate some innocence.  I don't know what it is to be treated badly, thus I know it is wrong.

I can upgrade the DH.  No I'm not talking about controlling him.  Since I have more knowledge now and am less afraid than before (maybe the same afraid, but I have more tools), I can do stuff that will cause a change in our relationship.  I can use influence, but this is not the same as control.  There is a difference.  Influence is all about how I live.

I hear the stuff that comes out of his mouth.  Some of it is not so good, rather disrespectful at times, but just by realizing that I attracted this into my life, I'm just "meh" I'm going to let it go for now. Oh, I'm open and authentic when it does hurt me, and that is fine.  But I stay true to my feelings about getting hurt and don't come from a place of expecting.  I'm not going to expect better treatment from him?  Of course not.

I'm not going to expect love, or loyalty or respect.  I'm not pleased with what I have right now, so no sense in trying to make it like I am.  "Oh, he has some good qualities," doesn't really apply here.  No, I want the upgrade.

So I won't do mean stuff to him anymore to try to get something from him.  I made his lunch for work with a smile on my face.  If he is being mean to me I will feel the hurt and let him see that, then I will leave the room for him to deal with it on his own.  I do have this power to not take any form of abuse.
No, he is not being mean, but he does kind of grate on my nerves sometimes, he crosses boundaries, and what I think he should be doing, he is not doing.  That's about all there is to it.  So I want an upgrade.

When he comes home he will be greeted with a smile.  Even if I am feeling bad or extra needy, I can still feel that and show love.  This is a little hard, but we are multidimensional beings.  A lot of ladies on my relationship site are dating, so they have some fear, but they are taught that they can still project love.  And they can show they have a lot of love flowing through them in the face of fear. You've met these kinds of ladies before, and they are real and down to earth, and they are usually surrounded by men.  I used to be jealous of them, but that is only because I wanted to be like them. All my life it was a dream for me to find out what special powers these women held.  You never catch them complaining or bitching if someone treats them badly.  They feel, they cry, and that is the part that drove me crazy.  For surely, I thought that this behaviour would drive men away, but it does not.  And when someone was hurting they always came with ears to listen.  And they never slept around or acted like shameless sluts.  That part drove me nuts too. They always were in committed relationships, but be this ethereal goddess surrounded by men.  Its great to be around them actually.  I am starting to learn how to attract the best.  I'm trying.

But the part that I was most jealous of was the fact that these women never sucked the life out of you. You actually felt better around them, and after they left you still wanted to be around them.  They made you feel delighted and happy, and any nastiness you feel inside yourself is gone the second they enter the room.  Do you know these types of women?  Even men at times have that type of energy that they carry around.

I used to know a woman like that, they are that rare.  She was not conventionally beautiful, but had more men around her than a woman who wore 5 pounds of makeup and skin tight pants.  In fact, you have to get through the men in order to talk to her.  But she would always make time for me.  And I always knew when she felt hurt or upset, she was that real.  And the men that surrounded her were the best of the lot.  It actually feels strange for me to say that she wasn't conventionally beautiful.  For I know she believes that she is.  And its not like she gave this authenticity to wackos.  She had a gift of knowing what to do and who to say it to.  And she wasn't all gaga over all the men that surrounded her.  In fact, if I wanted to talk to her, she would send them all away, and focus directly on me.

So I want to attract that good guy out of DH.  So I have to become more.  We will attract our reciprocals.  I imagine him with smiles with flowers, how would I be if he was all that too?  How would I project myself if he was absolutely the most loving?  So I take the step first, and just project love.  Despite what he is doing and how he is acting.  I've been at this this way for 2 weeks and 4 days, and things are changing.  He is a little more careful of his words to me.  He knows I want more of a passionate relationship and it seems like he is struggling with it.  Things might not feel like to me that they have gotten better, but I can feel his struggles with it.  He hadn't struggled with it before, he didn't care to.  But now when he says something cold to me he looks down as though he is ashamed of it.  But it is a bad habit.  A bad habit for me to allow it and a bad habit for him to do it.

But its still a hard road.  Just the other night, he wanted to go visit the neighbour alone.  And I had this problem with him before.  He asked me if I had things to do to keep my occupied for now.  I said, yes, why?  Well, he wanted to visit the neighbour and didn't want to upset me.  I told him that I am fine, and that I'm not his ball and chain, go visit.  lol  We go through this all the time, he was in a controlling relationship before, and I am trying to get him to see that he has all his freedom with me, even moreso than without me.  That I am not going to get all moody on him and turn on him.  That he would be greeted with love when he got back.  I don't want to be his ball and chain, why can't he get that into his head?  Like I said before, he has just as much fear as I do.  We are reciprocals.

I don't expect that he'll be out there "cheating", I don't come from that graspy place.  If he did cheat, then it is up to me on what to do.  That is all.  I have all the control and all the power, and it is all within myself.  Emotional resources.  I can feel hurt and pain.  It is ok.

So he went and visited the neighbour and came back and joined me in the sewing room.  I continued with my projects and listened to him talk after.  I was wondering if he was worried about me being angry, but I let that go too.  I stayed in my zone.  I let all of the neediness go.  I actually wasn't feeling "needy".  I was fine.  But something in my body was telling me that I should have been feeling badly.  But it wasn't me.  Something inside me was telling me that I need to be his ball and chain for that is what he needs, but I knew better.

Mother did a number on my emotions.  I feel like I have to separate out the bullshit that goes on inside my head from the way that I truly feel.  Like if I wasn't enough, and I need to take it out on everyone around me.  I must be graspy and do what I'm told.

Even lately with all the construction going on, some of the workers have to put up with "getting the finger" from the frustrated drivers.  That's another example.  It is no ones fault.  Its ok to feel frustrated, but they have no right to be taking it out on the poor workers.  It is no ones fault that the work needs to be done, it is just life.

So I have to continue to push through very painful programmed emotions.  To get to the real me.  I know I attracted this behaviour from DH, so it is up to me to not attract it anymore.  And that means not being a pleaser.  Gosh, pleasers are needy and graspy.  They tend to suck the life out of everyone. Mother was like that.  When she needed her man to provide for her, she did everything to please him. Yes, narcs can be pleasers, but watch out they do go on the attack eventually, when you don't give them what they want.  They are out to get something out of you, watch out.

I've seen relationship advice saying to make him happy, and you will get what you want in return. Isn't that just too superficial?

It is not what someone with a conscience needs to do.  There are times I'm sure even now, with the love I'm trying to give out, that DH is not approving of me.  It is ok, this in not about trying to make him change.  It is about me changing, where he will no doubt need to amount to as well.  Just like if I was dating, I will reject what I don't want from him.

And with the more authentic I get, the more trust can build between us.  Even if we fought.  And with being authentic, I have many sides to my personality.  This can be confusing at times for him, and that is ok.  There are times he thinks I should be acting this way or that, and I don't, he gets a little testy, I hold my ground and just continue being myself.

In the beginning, I used to sit in the truck while he help his ex and her relatives.  Yah, right, not anymore.  That can't happen.  He knows that I will get into the drivers side and take myself home, and ask him what time I am to pick him up, if that were to ever happen again.  And if I did that he would probably have gotten angry with me.  That's ok.  He can get angry.  And it can hurt my feelings, and I can let him see that.  And maybe since we were just dating I could have stopped.  But we are not dating anymore.  I am stuck, but am I?

LOL no he is not helping his ex anymore.  Just an example of how I actually and authentically wanted to behave, but I dared not to.

This stuff is hard even for the emotional resourceful.  My brain is screaming at me, and I have to deal with it.  I try not to let myself go there too much.  But just today, I was starting to sink again, when I feel like I want something from him.  I am expecting something from him.  Or if I am doing all this, why is he not doing more too.  I just keep telling myself that I am proving my high value and that it has been only 2 and a half weeks.  Actually it has been a lot longer, but I've done more reading and have more tools, so I am trying that for 2 and a half weeks.

This takes a lot of daring.  Facing fear.  Going through panic.  But I realized that these are all programmed emotions, coming directly from..... you guessed it MOTHER.

I see the value in no contact.  It has given me the power of life.  So instead of being buried alive in my body, I can own my body.  I don't know how I ever kept from going crazy inside there.  I was buried alive, and I thought this was good, for only mother can save me from myself.  I was born believing there was nothing good about me, and only mother can save me from myself.

I feel like I've just been born.  Beaten down and abused, coming into my own.  And I can say that I always hated that bitch.  But I don't expect her to act any better either.

I worry about deaths and funerals in the FOO.  Authentically, I have pushed all these people aside, that they are strangers to me.  But inside I feel scared of when the time comes, a lot will be expected out of me to comply to the wishes of the evil.  And that I will have to come from a place of expecting again.  This is why I practice authenticity all the time.  So when the time comes I can just be myself and not care so much.

So you do have the right to walk away from abuse.  And don't expect anything different from them either.  You can project love but from my own experience this doesn't mean anything to a narc.  They don't care.  Oh sure, they want love and demand it from everyone, sucking all the attention from the room, but they don't really care about it.  So don't get all caught up trying to give love to the unlovable.  It won't be authentic, you'll just be coming from a needy and graspy place.  I don't ever want to go there again.  Having my emotions manipulated was enough abuse I can take.  I won't take it anymore.

Mother was and is poisonous.  I would never be ok around her.  In fact, she slams everyone down. And to be around her, you have to be a part of that too.  You will carry her poison inside you.  And its not like anything I do will ever change that.

So while I spent my whole life buried alive, at times the real me would emerge, but that was hated by mother.  For only she knew what I ought to be like.  And being so young I had no power over it.  My siblings, well, they get to make choices too.  I have talked to everyone about this, giving them the chance, but they won't take it.  Actually, they put me down.

But I want to be alive and stay alive.  I don't want to be around mother anymore.  Not one second of the rest of my life will be spent trying to please this horrible thing.  She wanted me to die.  I actually was dead.  I don't know how I got through.  What I did, or what I thought, or what was really the case with me.

I remember times I really was me, putting on makeup and going out, but all that was in the area of being despised.  So I couldn't be myself.  I had to work through trying to please others.  And it didn't take much for anyone to disapprove of me.  It doesn't take much at all, not in today's world.  What I needed the most was to approve of myself anyway.