I have some chores to do and all I want to do is write. More about abusive relationships, I want to get it out there so here goes:
When I think of an emotionally stable woman or person, but for this point I'll talk about the woman. I am not a man so I can't think like one. But for the emotionally stable woman, she walks around in a state of bliss that I cannot comprehend. She is well in her mind. Yes, she does have times she is not feeling so good about herself but for the most part she can go back on the wave of wellness and stay there. Instability is not her norm, stability is. Now, we all have our problems but she is in a state of bliss and that is where she makes her home. This is her norm. Her default position.
Me: Wellness and emotional stability is not my norm. I have to cultivate it regularly for my default position is emotional instability, needy, graspy, crossing boundaries, I struggle with people and things, can't explain myself well, get in over my head sometimes. But here is what I've been practicing. Because I am an ACON and I was raised to be that way, I will relax and make it all ok. For when I am in that state of wellness I am able to feel through the mess and see a way out.
I try to run on feelings, not thinking so much. My thinking is screwed. But my feelings, emotions tell the whole story. You see, I can't think logically and depend on it. This is the old me. Think with your head and not your heart. It doesn't work for me. I can't think straight and when someone confronts me I freeze up.
Now the bible says that we are not to trust our hearts for they are deceitful. But I can't trust my own head. So I haven't gotten there yet, I can't figure that one out. Just that my heart, feelings, emotions seem to know way more about the world out there than I do. I judge people, I use my emotions. I can't logic a narc, no way, for when I'm thinking then I think that they are nice sometimes therefore they are nice. My emotions tell me otherwise. And that is what I believe I need to depend on.
Mother was good sometimes. She will have you thinking she is a nice person. But take a look on her face and feel. That will tell the story.
When I was in those abusive relationships, I used logic to try to steer me through. And logic always screwed me over. He helped me with something, then he is good.
Imagine for a second you are on a fourth date with a guy. All of a sudden, after 3 dates of him being wonderful, he suddenly calls you ugly, your fat whatever. What does logic tell you to do? Reason with him and tell him that you are not ugly, and sorry for being fat. Yes, that is what logic does when you are raised by a narcissist!
What does your emotions tell you? Your emotions tell you to scream and cry, and when you believe he is not worth the value of your real and raw emotions, you get the heck out of there. You aren't even going to care about those fabulous first 3 dates, that is over, he is a creep.
What I think happened to me is that I have not developed my full authentic emotions. They need to grow and grow. They need to get big. In order to do that I must let them have their way more and I need to feel more. But that requires, you guessed it, it requires facing fear.
I've been thinking lately about FOO members who tried to use reasoning with me on behalf of mother. It was only through the support of the ACON online community I was able to get through. And I found it difficult to feel my way through. More fear had taken over my life. Any decision I make because of fear is the wrong decision. I will believe that now. I won't make fearful decisions. But fear is not wrong, its a warning, but not meant for decision making.
So what are emotions? Mother stomped on that, telling me that they were no good. Society tells us to use our heads. And lots of people believe that. But I believe that the emotionally stable person, when push comes to shove, they think with their emotions.
So I really have to get back into that bible reading about not trusting our hearts for they are deceitful. It might not be saying what everyone says it does. Emotions are God given.
Yes, I know they are not right or wrong, feelings never are. They don't fit into nice categories. But all my thinking is not going to work. My conscience tells me that I am not to hurt anyone. That is clear. Oh boy, am I ever down a rabbit hole here, I should just leave this posting as it is.
I see the "normal" people and wonder what it would be like to be one of them. They have everything all together, they are not freaking out. Money and suburban houses and family and friends come their way and they don't struggle and suffer for it all. I had this weird revelation the other day, why was I expected to suffer for everything when things came so easily to others? Of course some are hiding successfully that they are a mess.
ReplyDeleteEvery ACON probably has to cultivate and even work on getting out of bed. I know I am there. I am overwhelmed with things normal people find easy or no problem at all. There isn't much mercy for those of us who don't have "it all together" whatever it is.
I try to think with my head, but my heart gets in the way. My head actually comes up with worse disasters believe it or not. Sometimes knowing the truth in this world is a scary thing. This is a dog eat dog world in every matter of being. I know the heart will want to shut down the head. Sometimes my feelings feel inaccessible. Sometimes if I think I have been misjudged for that flat affect for "not caring" but when I cried it didn't seem to change anyone's minds either.
I think our emotions or intuition can warn us. When I get in trouble is when I ignore BOTH.
Like you with the narcs I have to ignore the head and listen to the heart. I remember thinking so and so was "NICE" too but it can hide a narc or a flying monkey.
Logic will screw you up with abusers. Abusers use rational logic. They seem so reasonable. This "reasonable" control is why so many sociopaths can run a whole line of people into the ground including my mother.
Its sad I lived in this place of hoping to "reason" with the narcs. You are right one should listen to the emotions on the fourth date.
I agree about using emotions to get through life too. The narcs get us to shut them down. Not to trust them, but they are there screaming and warning us.
I agree about emotions being God given. This narcissistic evil society is doing everything to kill emotions. I may write about that soon. The pod people and controllers want them gone.
Yeah, what would it feel like to be them. Just for one day. They do so well, financially and every way. If not, then they can cope with life anyway. When I get out of bed in the morning, I feel like I have to override these stupid thoughts. I remember once I was cooking on the stove and a thought came into my head telling me I was stupid. I barely got through cooking the meal. I go through that all the time. I learned to tell that voice to shut up, but I have to be vigilant.
ReplyDeleteI feel embarrassed sometimes because I'm not working, I'm not making a lot of money and that is wrong. Who told me that? Mother. Oh I remember when the car was growing a little rust she rode my emotions and I had to shut them down.
When I got out of a women's shelter and they got me a rather old apartment and the car was rusting, I got a very good job. Mother practically attacked me for the things that were wrong. But I got the best job. Other FOO members said mother was just being caring, I know in my heart that mother wanted me dead. She was freaking I got that good job and sought out to destroy me.
But all these things that happened to us and what we were left with is not our fault. We actually have done the very best we could do. We are alive and sane, and I think that drives the MN parent nuts.
Yeah, and I wonder about thinking with my head. Those are my old patterns. My old ways, and I am wondering if that was just a way for society to brainwash us. For when push comes to shove, I have never seen a normal person not use their feelings, or how they feel about something or someone.
I had this friend once that another friend of mine told me that she felt that that other friend was evil. I never saw it I used logical reasoning, and thought she was great. Even though she tended to make me feel like crap. I never listened to that.
I know what you mean that your feelings sometimes feel inaccessible. I tend to want to use logic too much. My ex was horrible but I never thought of the things he said and the way he was and put it together. Ugh, hate having to work with this at my age.
When someone is being mean to me I don't want to hate them for it. I just don't want to. I want to impress them. Keep them happy. I know now this is wrong thinking and I try to do better and just stay away from them if possible. Get away if they make you feel like crap. They don't care, they want to see us destroyed.
We went to the store and got some food today, we could barely afford and had to put something back because I mis-added things up and there isn't 2 dollars even between the two of us because today is the stupid day they celebrate the guy who supposedly discovered America and husband's payment for some work was delayed, what we were going to use for food?
DeleteI don't see any of the people around here having problems like that. I need some poor friends and no more judgmental Baby Boomer biddies who are going to look down on me for not having clean and new things who have lived spoiled their whole lives never wanting for a job or anything. Kind of like my mother. I got angry at the grocery store as I was buying our lunch meat and bread and some .68 cent Michelina meals and sneered to my husband, "I bet my mother is eating at Red Lobster today, maybe she is going to go buy a new car with another 30,000 bucks laying around." I get the bad thoughts, I have thought since we moved here 8 years ago and he lost that job and we have struggled. "What is wrong with us?" It seems the worse things got for me, it got better for all the narcs. All the money seemed to come to them so easy. It makes me sick. Life is easy for them. There is always money and they have time and money to worry about stupid crap like making sure everything is perfect. Accessing my feelings lately means I am angry a lot. Angry at myself? Angry at the world. I didn't choose to be disabled. Everyone is telling me "Oh youre not that old, even doctor said, you are doing better, but I inside I feel older then the hills and tired.
She was pissed at you for the good job because they revel in us failing. They want us to fail. My mother has gotten endless supply having a very poor daughter and poor enough son always in need. We are the "losers" she always elevated herself over.
I hope I can break out of this stuff. I need the world to lift up some of the pressures in wanting to make me homeless or ready to break out the cardboard sign and going out on the highway to go begging. I want to feel like a good and decent person one day. I don't want sniffed noses as to why I am still showing up at the food pantries for the last 8 years.
What scares me is we are this poor where I am on check and he is working all the time. He got some new transcription work. The gauntlet is never ending. We don't drink and don't do drugs. I consider both hobbies for "rich people". We could never afford it. LOL How did two "responsible" people end up in such a hole?
I too tried to get the mean people to like me more. I would "try harder" just like I did with my mother. I didn't realize even with one ex friend how mean and bitchy she was to other people but I saw it full force later. I thought you need to stay away from these mean people. Trying to change their minds about you makes you a sap. Today I ask myself if I like somebody and sometimes now I say NO, and I no longer have to care if they like me or not. She set me up to always being worried about being liked and accepted by people incapable of it. What a mess I am working my way out of. It's not my fault I'm poor either or husband's either. Many Aspies never support themselves or can live independently. How do I get rid of the angry feelings about it. I'm not sure. They did a number on our head.
When someone is being mean to me I don't want to hate them for it. I just don't want to. I want to impress them. Keep them happy. I know now this is wrong thinking and I try to do better and just stay away from them if possible. Get away if they make you feel like crap. They don't care, they want to see us destroyed.
Oops last paragrah is yours, SOmetimes I copy and paste to answer...and work way down..
DeleteNone of it is our fault. I've had to manage that poverty and I still can't really explain how I got through. I know what it is to count your dimes at the grocery store, ugh, and being so smart too, and educated, and capable. It didn't matter. I was just laid waste. And taking things to pawn shops, like movies the kids loved just so I could get 5 bucks. Mother would tease me over this. One time she told me that her boyfriend spent all day complaining about me. Now why would she even tell me that? Its not like they helped me.
DeleteThey are just a bunch of pigs. That's all. I think we need to get it into our heads and into our emotions that they don't matter. The seething emotions are horrible. I get angry over it every single day. I'm really in danger of taking it out on others, so I try to feel to myself first. And say to myself that it is ok to have these feelings. So I don't go crazy. I'm still hoping and praying your financial situation improves soon. And stabilized health.
Explaining a narcs logic is about like explaining to an alien being why they use alcohol to swab the injection site of a condemned prisoner.
ReplyDeleteThat is crazy. I am anti-death penalty. Just because innocent people get scooped up. 11 on Death Row in Illinois were exonerated due to DNA evidence. It's so stupid they use alcohol to swab the site.
DeleteDo they really do that? I know in Texas someone is going to be executed soon. But they use alcohol to clean the wound from further infection. That is just too much.
ReplyDeleteBut narc logic, oh my, I try to explain my logic sometimes, and you know about our narc training. Some people I've seen bugeyed when I tried to explain this or that. I stay in the house for the rest of the day. I think I said something stupid today.
If I stayed inside every time I said something stupid I would never leave the house.
ReplyDeleteJust when you think you've put it all back together it all comes apart. I could have been doing so well for a very long time, then one wrong move and it comes apart. Normal people make mistakes too, the difference is they practice loving themselves.
ReplyDelete