Regarding Abuse

I have some chores to do and all I want to do is write.  More about abusive relationships, I want to get it out there so here goes:

When I think of an emotionally stable woman or person, but for this point I'll talk about the woman.  I am not a man so I can't think like one.  But for the emotionally stable woman, she walks around in a state of bliss that I cannot comprehend.  She is well in her mind.  Yes, she does have times she is not feeling so good about herself but for the most part she can go back on the wave of wellness and stay there.  Instability is not her norm, stability is.  Now, we all have our problems but she is in a state of bliss and that is where she makes her home.  This is her norm.  Her default position.

Me:  Wellness and emotional stability is not my norm.  I have to cultivate it regularly for my default position is emotional instability, needy, graspy, crossing boundaries, I struggle with people and things, can't explain myself well, get in over my head sometimes.  But here is what I've been practicing.  Because I am an ACON and I was raised to be that way, I will relax and make it all ok. For when I am in that state of wellness I am able to feel through the mess and see a way out.

I try to run on feelings, not thinking so much.  My thinking is screwed.  But my feelings, emotions tell the whole story.  You see, I can't think logically and depend on it.  This is the old me.  Think with your head and not your heart.  It doesn't work for me.  I can't think straight and when someone confronts me I freeze up.

Now the bible says that we are not to trust our hearts for they are deceitful.  But I can't trust my own head.  So I haven't gotten there yet, I can't figure that one out.  Just that my heart, feelings, emotions seem to know way more about the world out there than I do.  I judge people, I use my emotions.  I can't logic a narc, no way, for when I'm thinking then I think that they are nice sometimes therefore they are nice.  My emotions tell me otherwise.  And that is what I believe I need to depend on.

Mother was good sometimes.  She will have you thinking she is a nice person.  But take a look on her face and feel.  That will tell the story.

When I was in those abusive relationships, I used logic to try to steer me through.  And logic always screwed me over.  He helped me with something, then he is good.

Imagine for a second you are on a fourth date with a guy.  All of a sudden, after 3 dates of him being wonderful, he suddenly calls you ugly, your fat whatever.  What does logic tell you to do?  Reason with him and tell him that you are not ugly, and sorry for being fat.  Yes, that is what logic does when you are raised by a narcissist!

What does your emotions tell you?  Your emotions tell you to scream and cry, and when you believe he is not worth the value of your real and raw emotions, you get the heck out of there.  You aren't even going to care about those fabulous first 3 dates, that is over, he is a creep.

What I think happened to me is that I have not developed my full authentic emotions.  They need to grow and grow.  They need to get big.  In order to do that I must let them have their way more and I need to feel more.  But that requires, you guessed it, it requires facing fear.

I've been thinking lately about FOO members who tried to use reasoning with me on behalf of mother.  It was only through the support of the ACON online community I was able to get through. And I found it difficult to feel my way through.  More fear had taken over my life.  Any decision I make because of fear is the wrong decision.  I will believe that now.  I won't make fearful decisions. But fear is not wrong, its a warning, but not meant for decision making.

So what are emotions?  Mother stomped on that, telling me that they were no good.  Society tells us to use our heads.  And lots of people believe that.  But I believe that the emotionally stable person, when push comes to shove, they think with their emotions.

So I really have to get back into that bible reading about not trusting our hearts for they are deceitful. It might not be saying what everyone says it does.  Emotions are God given.

Yes, I know they are not right or wrong, feelings never are.  They don't fit into nice categories.  But all my thinking is not going to work.  My conscience tells me that I am not to hurt anyone.  That is clear.  Oh boy, am I ever down a rabbit hole here, I should just leave this posting as it is.