http://www.mamapedia.com/voices/my-struggle-not-to-be-a-stereotypical-black-woman
Promise, this is a short read. I was blown away by this woman and what she wrote. Because I'm an engulfed daughter it meant so much to me.
I can see that she thought she only had 2 roles to play. Either the welfare mom or the super corporate strong black woman.
Authenticity gave her something else.
“Everyone is a moon, and has a dark side which he never shows to anybody.”
ReplyDeleteThis quote from Mark Twain is not a perfect fit here. But living with a narc we had to be ready to alter our likes and dislikes and personalities depending on the weather under our roof for that day.
None of mine ever got to know me. I'm a stranger in everyway. I had to hide who I was around them all the time. I was this boring person who had the flattest effect in history to keep from being abused.
DeleteWe couldn't be who we were supposed to be. I remember being barely alive during the times I was growing up. My true self had to give way. Even now I wake up in the morning, so afraid, for nothing. I step out of place once and it was war. What this woman wrote, just told me that society only gave her two roles to play. She couldn't step out of that. Sort of like me. But underneath it all, the narc training, I was no good. I was brainwashed to believe my true self was no good. It wasn't like I could be dependable, honest, or brave, not without mother. Mother had me believing that I could be nothing without her.
ReplyDeleteYes sometimes my first thought upon waking up is "I am so afraid". I think I am understanding WHY now. These are days where I am not acutely sick and no IBS or lungs or other things are acting up. I could never relax and be me. I need to feel safe and need more money to feel safe. I want that so badly.
DeleteI am always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Because being around my parents was like living next to a volcano that could erupt at any time.
ReplyDeleteYes constant volcanos, endless vigilance for me. I still have that feeling to a degree. Maybe when she doesn't know where I live things will feel more relaxed.
DeleteYesterday I had a great Canadian Thanksgiving. Lots of kids, and I felt odd. Like plates were going to go flying. It is a possibility, we have one with autism, but the flying I was expecting was worse than that. Always expecting something bad to happen. Or something mean to be said.
ReplyDeleteIts funny when I'm at a church pot luck I expect the same. I go all quiet and someone always asks me, "What's wrong."
I relate to this woman. I feel like because I am fat, I am supposed to fit these stereotypes. Supposed to be the fat and jolly woman. I feel like I don't fit in anywhere and people try to shove me into little boxes where they define me. This fits even the poor thing.
ReplyDelete