I'm very sick today. It started last night, and today, I'm alone and sick. DH is at work, he is sick himself, and he spent 2 days gathering wood with his brother for our winter wood supply. My son was going to come out and help them, but he just started his new winter job, so he is out of town.
My throat is very sore. I'm home alone, and the doctor's office is an hour's drive away, and we are expecting heavy rains today, about 40 mm. So I think I'll just stay home and rest. There are chores to do, and it feels like torture not to get up off my butt and do them, only that I don't feel well. I suppose a lot of people feel like that but I feel so guilty.
Yesterday I went grocery shopping, and DH asked me to pick them up some sandwiches at the coffee shop and coffee and drop them off at the wood lot. When I left I didn't see their truck! I was in a panic, for I couldn't give them sandwiches if I didn't know where they were. I told myself to not panic, that on the way back, I will surely see them.
I was still in a state of panic for I forgot to buy milk at the grocery store and had to go back in. I was afraid of looking like a doofus. We are a small town. I went and bought the sandwiches and coffee and prayed that I would see their truck by the woodlot, and this time I calmed my nerves and I did see the truck! I stopped and pulled over and gave them the food. We chatted for a bit, then I went home and unloaded the groceries, and made a nice pot of homemade soup.
Since we are both sick, I am wondering if I should serve the soup for dinner tonight again, since I have such a huge pot. Ah yes, years of poverty, I can eat the soup for a week straight but DH cannot. Actually, he thinks me strange for doing things like that. He wants a fresh meal every single day and now I'm sick like a dog, but so is he. I'm wondering if this is on the "pleasing" scale. For surely, we must do these chores, we can't just do what we want. So, I must just feel my way through again.
Today, I have my quilting guild and I'm too sick to go. My friend called me and she'll just let me know what they did, so that was taken care of. I might be contagious so I don't want to spread it around. So even cooking food tonight might be hard. I will have some of the soup for lunch today and I'll serve it tonight too, with some grilled cheese sandwiches, I think DH will like that.
Well the quilt on the clothesline finally dried yesterday, and I have put it away for the winter. It almost took a whole week to dry, because of the weather.
Lots of things in life take time. DH is starting to respect me more. Even to the point of looking ashamed when he says things to me he knows he shouldn't. Just like if I say a high value woman isn't beautiful, for in her heart she knows she is beautiful so don't go there. It feels foolish for a normal person to cross that boundary.
So DH has been changing, but it is more in the area of respect he is changing. Respect is great but it is not enough for me. Sure he can respect me, but we don't feel commitment towards people we respect at least not all of the time, I want the passion. So I am sitting here with just respect. Gee whiz, he probably respects his boss, and that is what I have with him?
I went and read some more info on my relationship site. Apparently, some things in life can be the end result (meaning that's all I'll have from him is respect) or it can be part of the journey. I'm hoping it is part of the journey for, well, I guess, I'll have to have respect first. I mean afterall, it is part of the passion I am wanting right? But there are no guarantees. And no one can give me a guarantee, that I'll get what I want. This is life.
So let's just say that this is part of it. So what is next. Well, there is such a thing as me escalating the commitment.
First of all, there is exactly another woman just like me on the relationship site. She wants everything that I want. I remember reading something that she wrote about her husband, he told her that she is inconvenient. Hoo boy. She is a banker, making tons of money, about the sweetest person I've ever met, and her husband is just like mine! One day she posted on facebook, that she is feeling needy again. I'm just taken aback for I've seen her picture, this woman is young and gorgeous, makes a lot of money, and is getting the same treatment at home as me. I love her for not being an enabler, she is not one of those women.
I have to say that she is probably not an ACON for a lot of us struggle with poverty, but she is one of those ladies that I am drawn to for her authenticity. But she is doing the same things that I have to do. Except she probably doesn't have to struggle with bad nerves. Mother used to tell me that I looked stupid and mother used to mistreat me in public, it is a struggle just to go to get groceries.
So as I struggle through those emotions, at least I know that I got at least some respect from DH. But one thing that I must remember from my site is that he will be testing me. At times he will be a jerk and that I am to still hold my ground, that is, feel hurt. The tendency for me is to block any pain that I'm feeling. I know that this comes straight from mother!
Even now, I'm so sick from this sore throat. I feel a state of panic. Or vulnerability for being sick. Mother used to tell me that I was just doing that for attention. Oh gee, is that a narcissistic projection? I remember the howling she used to do at that time. When I get sick I have to learn to calm my nerves down too. Everything, every single little thing sends me into panic. I hate that bitch!
When I got sick growing up my mother always found a way to incorporate it into her act. I had bronchitis in third grade and I remember her sitting on the couch weeping into a snot rag while my life flashed before my eyes. The only reason it scared me was I had to be dying right? Why else would the worlds greatest mom be acting like her beloved son was shuffling off the mortal coil? He must be dying right? Or not! Even with her child inches away from becoming a statistic it still didn't warrant a trip to the doctor the next day. That would cut into her go go boot and wig money.
ReplyDeleteOhhhhh, I know. Its sickening. Why can't I just be normal sick? Except for which, people die from being sick. Like it was centuries ago. I don't remember getting bronchitis, but when I had chicken pox, well, it was, "You can die from that!!!!". Over and over again. I could be laying sick on the bed.
ReplyDeleteWe actually went to the doctor's when we were growing up. And if the doctor didn't say you were near deaths door, I would have been howled at for wasting her time. But we don't pay for doctor's here, but it was a trip into town, and that wasted her time. She said I made up being sick.
In any case getting sick now gives me the whillys. All the howling. I can still f'n hear it.
We all have similar stories about our childhood. Your mother made it into a drama scene for herself, mine still made it about herself. It was all about them.
Everything was about them. Even with my sister having her near terminal illness when I was young, my mother played that one up to the hilt and then some. I wrote about my medical neglect as you all know. Mine called me lazy too, and there never was rest even when sick.
DeleteEverything was about them. Even with my sister having her near terminal illness when I was young, my mother played that one up to the hilt and then some. I wrote about my medical neglect as you all know. Mine called me lazy too, and there never was rest even when sick.
DeleteI remember now so clearly, she used to say, "Get up off your lazy ass, your just lazy, your making yourself sick, because your just lazy." She said this when I was a kid, even when I was an adult.
ReplyDeleteAlso when she used to call me on the phone, I had to suppress any sickness, or the howling was worse over the phone. Either I was making it up or I was dying.
My first wife clocked me in the head with a mason jar and gave me a concussion. She couldn't wake me up the next day and called an ambulance. I had taken some prescription pain pills so she told them I had tried to off myself and fell down and hit my head. My mother knew my wife had bashed me in the head but backed my wife's story. I can't tell you specifics because I was unconscious. This was our last year of being married. I finally started figuring out I was married to a crazy person.
ReplyDeleteOh my God, that's horrible. Yeah you were married to a crazy person. They will tag team. Two narcs in a room, a person is screwed.
DeleteI guess my mother implying going along with me being suicidal was the first brick in the foundation of painting me as a crazy person if I tried to call my mother on her insanity later. I mean why wait till the last minute to paint him as unstable when you can kill two birds with one stone. Come to think of it my ex-wife told her family she had brained me and no one seemed to care. I think everyone knew but the police.
ReplyDeleteThat all must have felt horrible. It was like they were trying to erase you, as a person, as a body. That's how soul's die. Sometimes I feel so inadequate and I can't pinpoint the reason. Sometimes we have to start where we are and trace back through our emotions the direct cause.
ReplyDeleteI had an MN friend once who was a social worker and she told me that in mental health these days, they don't try to help people by going into the past. She went on and on saying this was good. Too bad I don't know her now, for I know she murdered her own daughter into a permanent state of schizophrenia.
We are just prey to them afterall, why should they care if we are unwell? You had a couple of people trying to soul murder you, if not physically murdering you.
I hope you feel better soon Joan, I'll pray. Illness can make people afraid. It is natural reaction. I am glad your husband is being better to you. I don't trust therapists who give the whole "narc" move on message. Doesn't sound like she should have been counseling anyone. Yes when sick most don't care. They are soul murdering us. I think mine is angry I am still alive.
DeleteThanks Peeps. I seem to feel worse tonight. My throat is sore and my sinuses are plugged. But I feel terrible when I'm sick, I don't think I should feel this way, I should just feel sick is all. Yes, he is better, But now there will be the testing, and I must dig in and stay authentic. But he's sick now too. He walked in the door barely breathing and I asked him for a massage, lol you should have seen the look on his face. I was only joking. I am trying a humor angle, I guess I'm too tainted to be humorous, I have to work on that one. Still, I found it funny.
DeleteThey hate us being alive. I'm not sure if Nparents want that on purpose, or its just their brain wiring, but I believe wholeheartedly, without a doubt, they want us dead, although they can't admit that even to themselves. That's why no contact is the only way to go.
That old friend was rather nice compared to my mother. But none of my siblings are in such bad shape as her daughter. Her rages were all ladylike and proper, but still mean and cutting and murderous. I don't know how she accomplished that. She is no longer working but a homemaker, and I can't figure out how she does that either, she is a parasite, she can't be home alone all the time.
Joan, you sure you don't need antibiotics? You sure this isn't strep? With all the rain are you high and dry? Please take care.
ReplyDeleteTW
I thought it was strep, I had that before, but now with my sinuses and blowing my nose, and coughing, I think its just a regular cold. And my throat is not hurting anymore. Thanks TW.
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