A Real Life Issue

I want to tackle a subject that was such a blur to me.  Modern psychology does not seem to have any answers to.  I have been wondering about this all my life.  I have talked to therapists but I was stuck trying to figure it out on my own.  Now, I've gleaned this information, and I believe it is very pertinent to the emotionally abused.  For you go through life being abused some more and it seems like there is no stopping it.  One of my favorites was a topic in sex.  What do you do when you are angry with him and don't want to have sex and he does?  And you want to talk about it, but he is not willing to talk.  And he is bugging you but you went to bed to get a good night's sleep.

Its funny.  I don't have all the answers, but I have the answers that are suitable for me.  I think this posting is for men too.

I'll leave out the part where he is being a jerk.  Yes, he could probably be a jerk or acting like one, or he could be a full blown malignant narcissist, but that doesn't help you get out of any pain right now. So I'll try to take this deeper.

In my perfect little world, no one gets to say words without meaning.  Like "co-dependent" for I feel that word was slapped on me ruthlessly by the world.  Or any word like that.  Or "lazy".  Is it just me or does it sound lazy to call someone lazy?   Grrr, what does this all mean?

Well, first of all in order to enlighten the topic somewhat, I would like to tell you that as a woman in a marriage, I believe you need to cultivate sexual energy and desire.  If you don't feel it, and don't want to do it anymore, you are asking your husband to become your roomate, maybe a doctor can help, but barring any medical complications it is possible to generate this desire.  You can pray, I really don't suggest pornography, that's not me.  But that in itself is a whole other topic.

But most important do not try to think like you have to do what he wants simply because you don't want to appear that you are playing games or that you are afraid you are acting like a narc who uses sex to get what she wants.  For that happened to me.  I used to live where I was always on pleasing mode.  I never wanted to appear selfish, so I did things that were selfish and all about me in order to not appear selfish.  My whole thinking was backwards.

Hey listen, the key here is to remember authenticity.  This is a struggle for an ACON in itself.  I have learned to trust that I won't be doing anything wrong when I am being authentic.  It might not feel good to be authentic, I know its hard, but just feel your way through.

Maybe you feel like too much time has passed since the last time you had sex with your husband. You are worried that you have been holding on to resentment too long, and you need to get over it.  Hey, I know what this feels like.  But don't worry.  Distance doesn't erase love, time doesn't erase love, only being fake will do it.  If you try to become something that you are not, or you are faking (which is not the same as generating a desire within yourself) that is where things will go wrong.

I know exactly what it feels like when you have been blamed for everything that goes wrong. Like I had the nazi voice going on inside my head and I feel horrible about myself. Better have sex with him or he'll be angry with me.   Just take time to breathe in that that thought, that now has become an emotion of fear.  It feels sick.  Isn't that just a real mean thought to have of yourself?  Do you really deserve it?  Of course you don't deserve it.  You are loving, and kind and caring.  Enough so, that this is a gift that needs to be given by you, not yanked away from you ruthlessly.

You know that you can authentically generate the desire within you (absolutely), but something has happened, some misunderstanding, whatever, you can't get through it right now, its ok. Love will not fade during this time.  If you want to maintain the course and flow and go through those emotions, it takes time.  It is a danger right now to think that if you don't do it, he'll hate me, its ok those are programmed thoughts.  Of course you didn't come up with this by yourself.  This horrible thought is not you.  Only you get to be the gift, no one else.

But he does want to have sex, so why should I just get my own way?  Ok, this one is truly complicated, but I'll give it a try.  No, this is not about getting your own way.  Programmed thoughts. I mean, realistically do you really think that is what you are trying to do?  No, you have been told that, but it simply isn't true.  You are a loving and giving person.  Imagine an engine that won't turn over.  The battery is dead.  The battery is a much easier part to replace (and cheaper too) than the engine.  That is all we have to think about when we are dealing with relationship problems.  That is it.  Don't think you need an engine overhaul or throw yourself into a mental crisis over something that is quite easily fixed.

The battery is an investment anyway.  So is dealing with relationship issues.  A broken engine basically scraps the entire vehicle as useless.  But we can immediately be taken to that crisis point, if you don't know anything about cars.  The same thing happens too in relationships.  I actually, go into crisis mode.

I don't want to upset him, I don't want to hurt him, but I am feeling hurt, angry, upset.  For me, these mixed up feelings sends me into a crisis.  But listen, if you have already taken the engine apart you are stuck with it.  So if you are already in a crisis mode, you have to go through those emotions, and that feels like a hurricane.  So how do I get him to acknowledge my feelings?  What is Joan saying when she says I have to make my emotions ok when he is seething mad, I don't know what to do?  He doesn't care about my feelings right now he just wants sex.  Maybe if I just put my feelings aside he will be more loving and caring for me.  Then the worst happens.  You have sex then he rolls over and goes to sleep.  You try to talk and he is already asleep.

I have noticed that when I don't live by my emotions I get treated very badly.

I immediately imagine the worst case scenario.  This has made me perform some low value behaviour.  This is not what I should be doing.  So, yes, maybe he is hurt too, and he might feel rejection, but your not punishing him, you're just feeling hurt and/or you want your feelings acknowledged over a particular thing, and sex is the furthest thing from your mind.  It might not be a good idea then to give sex right now.  That would be low value behaviour or "pleasing mode".  This has some serious repercussions in the relationship, that is a whole blog posting in itself, but it is hazardous to your relationship.

Sometimes men want sex at the worst times, when you are feeling so horrible.  I think normal men can do this.  This is only his way of trying to establish a connection between you two.  He is trying to fix the problem his way, and he doesn't understand that this might be hurting you.

So how do you feel when he wants sex and you are feeling upset?  How do  you really feel?  Do you feel like crying?  Or can you not cry anymore and release this pain.  This could help him understand better.  I imagine a teacher getting a young pupil to try out a new math problem and the pupil feels scared, threatened, and can't solve the problem.  I imagine what she would do.  She wouldn't think much, she can't she would just cry.  That is a very authentic emotion.

Sure, he might get angry when you do that.  But was it anger, or was it fear?  Fear that he wasn't enough and I just rejected him.  That's ok, that is his business, it is not mine.  It is not up to me to try to solve this problem for him.  I try to push the tears through further, breaking down even, and this is a scary, painful part.  I'm not making judgments on what he is feeling, I let him have his emotions.  I stick with my own feelings.  I might be crying and he might be angry, but it's ok.  Do you know this ok?  I used to think that it wasn't ok, that someone has to give in, and it usually was me, but that was wrong thinking.

This is all scary.  Terrifying as hell.  But.... I lived to tell the story.  I am alive and breathing, but for awhile it felt like I had stopped breathing, I hate that feeling.  All the air escapes out of my lungs and I'm stuck there panicking.  He might be angry for awhile, but that is ok.  It really is.  This is what we have to do.

And yet I don't understand why modern psychology doesn't get this.  Don't overhaul the engine while all you need to do is look at the battery.  Look, he might be a narc or an ass, but I don't know.  And I couldn't even make that decision at the time, I was seeking answers.

Here you go an ACON talking about sex, but this is real stuff.  We get too confused, and I remember 20 years ago, they used to talk about co-dependence and I really didn't know what that meant.  I was told that its when couples spent too much time together.  But if you are in love with eachother, the time you spend with eachother is irrelevant.  I know some couples that are inseparable.  That is not the meaning of co-dependence.  Or you feel blamed for you know co-dependence is something you know you shouldn't be doing, but you are, and you don't know how to stop.

Or you want commitment, that is not the same as marriage.  People can be married out of convenience with no passion.  "Oh, I married you....".  So I am to feel loved?

When you burst out crying, you feel helpless.  and when you are an ACON this will make you feel scared.  We are not supposed to be scared.  This is not what mother was supposed to teach you.  She should have taught you to feel safe.  Fear is to keep you from driving off a cliff, not keep you from living.  Crying is living, any feeling is living.  Fear is that feeling that death is imminent.  But we've been mishandled and abused, and we have to teach ourselves another way.

And I can't keep feeling afraid that when I cry that he'll abandon me.  That is what keeps me locked in my head.  I have to learn to trust.  Not trust in a bad way, like we used to, but trust that no matter what happens we will get through.  We trust our own selves, not him.  It doesn't matter.  Perhaps he is a narcissistic jerk and you just come to realize that, and you might be getting a divorce tomorrow, its ok.  The point is right now, that you'll never behave in low value again.  Not for his sake, not for anyone's sake, you have transformed yourself.  From the emotionally distressed child, to the woman who feels.  And yep, darned right she has every right to feel.

Yes he might be totally angry with you at this moment in time.  The temptation to give in will be enormous, I have felt that.  I guess what it comes down to is where do you place your values?  Do you value your own fear or do you value him and your relationship more?  At this point, you can't have both.,  Just like if you were dating, do you want to be loved or lusted after?  You can't have both, even your facebook profile has to reflect who you are, and we can't be blaming others when we are treated badly, when we are showing up as low value.  You might not like that, but its true. Unfortunately, the universe won't cave for this one, even for us.

If I live in my emotions and feel everything, and at a point I am feeling angry or sad, it is difficult for me.  I can't pretend to feel something that I am not.  If I do that it'll be confusing for him, and he'll know something is wrong, even though you are pretending that everything is ok.  Pretending with your spouse has very serious reprucussions in the relationship.  It is seen as low value.  Even if he is being a jerk, that is all besides the point.  And if the point is to develop trust between you doesn't it make sense to be honest even if it hurts?  He might be angry with you, but do you value trust enough to do this?  Do you want to teach him how to treat you, and that he can trust you?  Or do you want to continually allow yourself to be abused on the off chance that someone will love you?

There is no point in trying to talk to him about it at this moment, tempers are flaring, just feel, that is all.  Feeling is life.  I can imagine trying to talk to a man when he is like this, and he gets up and walks off.  I try to talk to him about my feelings, why is he walking off?  He is being a jerk, but what is going on with him is that he needs to get away.  He is probably thinking, "Yep, unhappy woman, I'm getting out of here and going to work.  I need to get that bolt and attach it to that chain, then tie up the setting straight, fix the car....that board is coming down, I have to fix it..... wow, this makes me feel good, she is not making me feel good." That's all there is to it really.

So instead of talking, just live instead.  Live out your real emotions.  You can burst out crying and not even begin to try to explain why you are doing so.  As ACONs it feels scary not to explain yourself, but try to remember, talking is not living.  And actually, talking can mean that you are trying to take emotional resources from him.  Demanding that he be the one to be understanding.  Whenever you come from a place of expectation, that is taking.

You know, that now that the weather is changing, I decided to wash the quilt on my bed.  I hung it up on the clothes line 3 days ago and it kept falling down, I tied it back up again, then it rained, I thought of putting it in the dryer, but it doesn't go in the dryer.  It fell back on the ground and it is still soaking wet.  DH and I tied it up really good on the clothes line yesterday, making sure that it can't fall down this time and I'm just going to leave it alone.  It has got to dry eventually.  Someday.

So don't think that you have got to solve every problem right here and right now.  Or don't think that you can't have problems or something is wrong with you.  No, it is life.  Anthony Robbins, one of my favorite speakers says that one of our biggest problems in life is that we think we should not have any problems.  So just relax and breathe that thought in, let it go to your emotions.

And this is not manipulation.  This is life.;  This is the real deal.

When I first started becoming high value, he would stomp around here, angry as hell.  There is a certain appeal for a man to have a low value woman.  He can get what he wants, he can do what he wants, and its ok.  He has very little work to do to maintain his relationship.  He doesn't have to come to terms with his own self.  But it has a time limit.  It trickles down into nothing.  I imagine what it is like to have a relationship without the trust, and that is not a relationship.

So at first it was scary.  He almost disconnected with me.  But I stayed true, and I just gave him the time he needed.  I paid the price.  I can't turn this ship around without causing a disturbance in the wave patterns.  So I would just allow myself to feel.  Hey, if the battery needs to be replaced, then the engine won't work anyway.  That is, I didn't let my mind go into crisis mode.

So what do you do when it all falls apart anyway?  When he tells you that he tried to solve the problem by having sex, and you wouldn't even try, and he walks off to fix the brakes on the car.  Oh, well, I hope that quilt dries on the clothesline someday.  I mean it has to right?