I don't know if its just a message out in the world that we should have to pity the very evil that narcs do, or if its just a way of looking down on them as a coping mechanism, to feel better, about narcs, but I'm just not feeling it.
I was thinking about pity and the part that confuses me, that has always confused me is that some people think pity is a pathetic thing to give to someone, thus it may be used as a tool or a weapon to do harm emotionally to a person. Like in, "You do evil, thus I pity you."
And I know there is this message, "Love the sinner, hate the sin." I don't know if that's exactly biblical or not. If it is then I believe it is meant for prostitutes and dregs of society, those who lost their way, and are trying to cope with life. This is not for the seared conscience, and the bible talks about this quite freely. The workers of iniquity were a whole other brand that even Jesus said stay away from.
I don't know what to tell you about pity. I think about it and I have very many thoughts about it and I don't know where to start. I have seen some people really badly hurt, and I've seen people run from them, unable to show compassion and kindness, or not knowing what to say to them. This I can understand. Thus, I think, pity is a gift that needs to be cultivated, it is a pure human emotional resource, and some people are honest and they don't have it to give. They honestly don't. I know, myself it is hard. It depends on too much for now, and our recovery from narcissistic abuse is not just a gift to us but to others.
My oldest daughter went through a horrible breakup with her boyfriend last year. It was hard for me to show any feelings about it, and I remember the feeling now. I don't know how much of that relies on fear, because I know my defences are down when I try to show any kind of compassion, it is not in me to give it to her. As with anything now, I try to live in authenticity, so I became honest about it. Well, somehow we got through all that and everything is fine now, but I remember that time, and boy was it tough.
I suppose pity for a narc is a coping mechanism some people have decided to take. Maybe they use it as a weapon to cause harm, Or they don't know what they are talking about. I know my mother didn't like pity much unless it was for her and she loved attention. That's all she wanted was the attention. She never pitied anyone, and she never understood it. So in turn I now have a hard time with it.
So yeah, getting back to the actual human emotional resource I was trying not to get off topic from, I want to share my feelings about pity. I think that if you have pity in you to give, you will get back tenfold to what you give. You can't give a gift without getting something back. I've learned this too well. To actually be there for someone while they are in pain is actually valuable. You are connecting to another human being, your need for love dissipates in that situation. You are covered completely and you feel utterly safe. I hope to someday actually experience this.
You won't be safe with everyone. Pity for a narc is a desperate attempt for acceptance, and that is a trap. You aren't going to get their acceptance. You aren't going to feel very good about it either. I never understood pity for an evil person, never did. In this case it is, um supply. A valuable human emotional resource - narc supply, yup.
And as far as pity for evil behaviour, to me that is plain wrong. We feel pity for the new widow with a bunch of kids. We feel pity for the drunk laying in the ditch. We don't feel pity because we see it as a way of causing more separation. Because in my mind if you pity evil you are trying a desperate attempt to separate yourself from the narc. Maybe even trying to elevate yourself from them to be a better person than them and that is not connection. And pity is connection. Never to be used for disconnection.
I know we don't connect to one's sin. I know that. If we can see there is an actual human being then thats fine. I don't see too much that's human in a narc, there is nothing for me to connect to anyway. If God can't connect to them, then how can I? This is more than just love the sinner, hate the sin, the sinner has to be there. The normal way we behave, and I know I sin all the time. I won't be able to go even a few minutes without thinking bad thoughts or wishing mother was suffering in a pile of manure unable to get out. That's my thinking. But when it comes to me and who I am, that is not who I am.
A narc is pure evil. This is a seared conscience. I know it is a spectrum, that some have the capacity to act human, but even then, I say be careful. My husband spent his work wages cleaning this road, and up the hill, which he didn't need to, as a way of showing compassion. He told me, "They don't know how much this is costing me, and they aren't paying me enough." I shrug my shoulders at that. I want to tell him, "Um, yeah they do know how much this is costing you and they don't care." He has explained it over and over to them, and still he thinks they don't understand. These are people who travel all over the world on a whim, who would dicker loudly over a couple of bucks. They kept him locked in strategy, the strategy was emotional manipulation. They know what they are doing, you can't tell me otherwise. And I hate their guts for it.
Don't give your emotional resources to anyone who will use it against you. It can be used against you in a hurry, and narcs will not waste any time doing so. I once was trying to help a friend who just got out of major surgery. I would spend the night at her place in case she needed something, she was rather immobile. She had no one else to help her. I couldn't sleep on the cot she had because there was a wire sticking out of it. I told her I would have to sleep on the couch. She said I was a big baby, I complain too much. I walked out leaving some pork chops frying in the pan, I was so hurt and shocked. I realized then that she must be mobile, otherwise, the hospital would have kept her. Yes, they can still shock me.
Besides which, with a narc, you can't give them anything. In their warped minds they already own it. They'll never treat it as a gift, and will hurt you time and time again. Your mind, after a time, will come to accept this evil behaviour, and then you will be screwed.
Screwed, yup. I'll tell you something I just learned. Well, I guess you remember me talking about Travis Alexander ad nauseum. I just couldn't let it go. I was obsessed. Well, my son just lent me the book he bought - Exposed The Secret Life of Jodi Arias. My obsession began all over again. Travis Alexander is a child abuse survivor. He got to live till he was 30 years old. He was overwhelmed with pity for a narc, namely Jodi Arias. Some might think that it was sex that drew him him. No, no. No normal man is so caught up in sex that he tolerates his tires being slashed and his house being broken into. Nope. I asked my husband this question. Travis pitied this narc.
He pitied a narc, and now he is no more.
His child abuse included beatings, starvation, neglect. He got to live till he was 30 years old.
One thing that got me was that he was financially successful. But his mormon people took care of him, and he moved in with his functional grandparents when he was ten years old. He just walked into their house and told them he was moving in and they said ok. No word on why they didn't intervene before. Because now Travis had ten years under his belt of being a target. He was successful but the mormons stick together, taking care of eachother. They even tried to protect him from Jodi Arias.
But what about me? I'm forever a target it seems. I had a very bad moment over the weekend because of a narc. I was trapped in the parking lot at my oldest daughter's when a narc decided to break the rules and park her car where it wasn't supposed to be. I'm very good with the truck and maneuvering it. However, this twit was yelling obsenities at me and saying, "Learn how to drive, what is your problem." Gee, they do what they want to do and we have to work around them because they want it that way. Who wrote that? I don't remember. But anyway, this twit had these little boys on their little toy skateboards offering to move the truck for me. Miss twit wasn't moving her car, live with it. Little boys tried to take the truck from me.
A few days later, I was back at my daughters and met up with the twit again. She said nothing to me. All I got was a big sneer.
And what about my mother? She got to feed off me supply for a very long time. I can barely even deal with that. Let alone pity her. Or forgive. Their wouldn't be any authenticity in any of that. Pity her? I hate her. Yes, real narc hatred here. I want to shove her head in the toilet. I want to..... . Sorry, my hatred bothers you. No, I'm not sorry.
I have trouble waking up in the morning and this hatred takes right over. Yes, you can call it anger, but I'm making it very personal here. I had a hard life, this evil despicable pile of shit can go to hell.
Sorry, I tried to make this nice. Sigh.
Showing pity to a Narcissist just gets you close enough to them for them to abuse you some more.
ReplyDeleteYes, pity for narcs opens the door wide for more abuse. the true narc masters use Guilt and Pity as a revolving door where they smack you everytime on a pass through.
DeleteI have tried to get my story out there. There is a reason people compare them to vampires. You sort of have to invite them into your home to be susceptible to them. But once they get in and take over you are going to need more than Buffy to get them out. The newspaper articles I have about my mother were not photo shopped. She lured her victim first to a motel and then to our house and shot this guy in the back while my sister listened in. What more do people need to hear? Go look at true crime television. My mother is pretty tame compared to your millennium style murderer. My mother was an embarrassment then and she is now. But I don't mind people knowing I am the fruit of the loins of a homicidal maniac if it can save even one person. It will save no one as long as people dilute the message and tell us to metaphorically get in bed with them.
ReplyDeleteOr trying to cure them. I read that Jodi Arias was stalking Travis Alexander. It looked like she was needy, but she found an easy victim to kill. She slaughtered him to pieces, the movie doesn't do justice, not like the book. If you get into bed with a narc you are asking for trouble. I know your mother was evil, and you are told to forgive by those narc sympathizers. If you forgive the first narc in your life, you are asking for trouble too.
DeleteI know, and it creates some controversy. Some pities their parents evil. i just cannot.
ReplyDeleteI can't pity evil either. I was called a martyr by the narc sympathizer in a comment I sent to spam. Whose the real martyr? I'm not martyr, I'm just telling it like it is. I was told to make excuses and step aside for my mother's cruelties over and over. There was never any mercy for me among them.
DeleteWow, that martyr comment. I'm not sure but it seems rather cruel to call someone that. My mother liked to play the martyr. Its ok, I believed in that narc sympathizer too, actually I was quite confused by her, lost really, this is all really new to me still, and now that I have experienced real narc sympathy I can see how it makes everything else come apart. It makes it all look like I'm to be blamed for everything because of the poor narc with the mental illness. They are not mentally ill. And to steal stuff, no concept of boundaries, it all started to come apart. Not even agreeing with the stuff she was stealing. I was hurt by it too, it is all a popularity ploy, and I have never been one of the cool kids so....
DeleteBut yeah, just keep telling it like it is, that is good for me. I have a hard time taking in information, I'm easily confused.
My mother was pitied by people because I was such a big baby. I was raised to be that way. So she could enjoy the pity party from others.
ReplyDeleteThey will use their children to get others to feel sorry for them. My mother was able to use my sister's severe illness as a baby and toddler, in spades. Even 40 years later, I got to hear someone say what a great mother and oh such horrible tragedy....it must have been exciting to her to be on the stage.
DeleteI was in their thinking after I posted that last bit. If you met my mother out for lunch you would think she was the nicest person you ever met. That's how she got away with so much stuff. NO one dressed in such a smart outfit and had such a pleasant smile would ever hurt someone...would they? Maybe so and maybe no, but if you leave her alone with your husband you'll come back in and she'll probably be giving him a lap dance.
ReplyDeleteSo many of them are like that. I have a friend like that, seemingly the nicest person you could ever meet, but totally evil. A bully, a fraud. I'm sure she psychologically murdered her own daughter into a schizophrenic state for the rest of her life.
DeleteThere is so much value to narcs to be nice and them stab you in the back when you least expect it. I had friends like that all my life, that is, till now. I commented on Lisette's blog about how I'm so used to that behaviour that it seems natural. That I could only see the good behaviour and block out the rest. I just commented on Peeps blog on how I always have had my hearing checked, I have selective hearing so bad, its like I am deaf, but my hearing is fine.
I find it so weird how I "adjusted" to their behaviour. Pity or forgiveness has no value, it won't help me with this. I need to put reality in place.
That's how we get it from every direction. We have had the lines between normal and psycho blurred so much we can't count on our head to keep us clear of them. Then when we get burned by someone people wonder why we didn't see it coming and then if we see it coming and protest people think we are exaggerating or that we should forgive them up front. .
DeleteI've been blindsided before and I think it is because of those blurred lines. People act in ways I can't figure out. And then you have all their cheerleaders who tell us, it's all OUR FAULT and we need to FORGIVE and it's our fault people are treating us poorly. Yes evil wears a pretty face. My mother is an average weight, and wears nice clothes, drives new cars, often makes tasty meals and brings nice presents. She is an upper middle class woman who has full wardrobe and a house that could be in a magazine. She actually is very charming, and nice to people she likes.
DeleteI don't feel pity for narcs, and it scares me how so many want us to feel pity for them. What does a narc do with pity but spit on it and then mock the person who has it? They have no pity for anyone even if they are about to die. Why should I have pity for narcs who didn't care if I lived or died and turned my rare diseases into a more of a suffering path. This wicked world and Satan has influenced people to feel pity for the wicked, while casting the good over the side of the boat. Enabling of evil is a reality. Many miss the parts of the bible that talk about reprobation and the seared. Loving the sinner, is for the people with consciences who can still turn to God. It is for broken people who have gone through hell but who can still turn to God for healing and salvation. We are supposed to have a heart for others in this way but I know the Holy Spirit is warning of who is totally given over. Where a Christian is going to allow the "pigs to rend them". Yes the workers of inquity are a whole other ball of wax.
ReplyDeleteI felt that way all my life. Like it was all my fault. I didn't know how to wash my own hair, I was such a big baby. Truth was, I didn't know how. Mother told me that I didn't rinse it well enough. I did but not to her liking. One time just before we went no contact, she cooked ground beef in the pan for over an hour, because I never cooked it good enough, I left it raw. That wasn't true. She would go all psycopathy over ground beef and hair washing. But I am supposed to believe it was all my fault. I am to have sympathy for that.
DeleteI remember at a bible study, reading the second half of the first chapter of Romans. It is all there for anyone to read. But at the bible study everyone else was saying that God will forgive all that. All they have to do is repent. It all went over eveyone's heads, that that is not what the story ends with.