Seriously, this is really, really, bothering me. I went to church on Mother's Day! Seriously? What the heck was I thinking of. And not only that everyone was asked to tell in a couple of words things about their mother. Most people had good wonderful things to say. I didn't have to say anything because we had to volunteer for it and I didn't. To tell the truth, I was terrified that everyone would be asked to. And the teaching was about mothers too. It was a difficult time. Church is bad on mothers day. All these words.
Words. That is all it is. Just words. Words can either heal you or destroy you, take your pick. To the hollowed out husk who was born attached to an engulfing sociopath, words are everything. The hollowed out husk knows how to access a blank space in his or her brain. For long periods of time. A word here and there makes all the difference. Some people can give you the wrong words, and the hollowed out husk can't filter that easily.
May 10 is also MN mother's birthday. I was scared this would give away my identity, but I don't care anymore and that's why I hate it so much. Of course mother always proclaimed her birthday as being so perfect. The weather was always good the day was always perfect. And May 10 was the day we were allowed to stop wearing winter coats. May 9 it might be good weather too, but May 10 was the only day you could stop wearing winter coats. Such a grandiose pig. I almost forgot the grandiosity part because she was always such a martyr, but she never allowed anyone to disagree with her either. Try as I might, I can never seem to make sense of her. Even an argument over the Catholic Church. Well she said there were 2 kinds of Catholics. The Roman kind and the normal kind. The Roman kind was much stronger and we were just the simple Catholics. We had to accept the fact that we were not Roman Catholics, we were only Catholics. Even a priest who came over to the house once didn't want to argue with her. He just said, "He didn't know." A Roman Catholic priest didn't know, pffft, he just didn't want to argue with psycho is all. Sometimes mother could be the sweetest thing too. I can never figure her out.
That is my Mother's Day memorial for mother. I hope it does her justice.
The day before church we were helping the brother in-law moving, he is changing houses. It was at a point that, when I found a place to sit down on, someone placed a large mirror to move out right beside me on the floor next to the chair I was sitting on. It was a terrible. I looked in the mirror and saw my mother's feet with red nail polish on them! And my toenails were getting a little too long. Mother always had long toenails, and wouldn't let us cut our toenails. She said the shoe had to wear them down, no cutting or else! It never worked, this shoe wearing down your toenails and we got the idea of cutting our toenails from other sources which we would cut them and deny it to mother.
That view of mother's feet with red nail polish was so shocking, that I can't even tell you, especially the red nail polish on those feet. Mother was as masculine as a woman could get. I remember being around her these red toenails would be a source of shame for me as she would tease me about being a whore, and now I see her feet with the red nails, it was too weird.
I don't know why I have to look so much like my mother. And I'm not even masculine.
I have started to notice that all my clothing I have picked up over the last few years since mother was out of my life are flowery, lacy or has some other attachment to the feminine. I think I only have one pair of jeans left. If mother were to come back into my life, she would call me the whore of the century! Maybe not right away but it would come eventually. Around mother I always had to wear worn out jeans and t-shirts and running shoes. Whenever I tried to wear something nice I would have to pay through the nose.
One time I did dress up nicely, I did have some nice things for dating and I was dating my now husband then, and we had to go to mother's place. We were only a few weeks into dating and he started helping me out with mother. She taunted me and told him straight out that I was just a slob and I never looked like this. She told him that she had tried to encourage me to dress nicely but I wouldn't listen to her. She told him that I liked being a slob. Actually, I liked being a slob around her because it made my life so much easier.
Also, too, I've noticed that I am tending to wear dresses and skirts most the the time, not just for church. But I'm concerned that this might not be authentic of me, or I'm just rebelling over mothers control. I think I'm being authentic, I feel better in these clothes, but not only that I do get influenced by my relationship site too. There it is praised value over the feminine. In fact, it is encouraged to wear feminine attire. Not fashion wise, we don't want to conform to fashion, it isn't authentic, but pure flowing femininity. A fashion plate is just a conformer. I guess I am being influenced by them, I'm sort of an old hat over there now, and feel responsible for following them. It is not a controlled thing. Things have to flow freely. She does put way more emphasis over authenticity to be the feminine part. That is only if it is authentic. She had posted a picture of herself with her husband and baby and the dog and she was wearing this long flowing skirt. It was beautiful. Not just the skirt but the way she stood, it was sure something I could aspire to. And it is ok to be influenced by others, just we have to be careful of who's influencing us, and we have to take care of how we influence others.
Not that I believe everything said on there, I have learned my lesson. This is no ACON site, but she does teach us how to get out of the way of bad people. She encourages us to make our own choices based on authenticity. And that authenticity will give you a better filter to filter out other people. But there is no forceful pushing. You don't have to do anything, just live with the flow of your emotions. In the feminine, all the spectrum of the emotions is to be felt. First of all, authenticity.
Ah, authenticity. It was a lifesaver for me. It opened me up to a world I can now deal with. It is easier, my life has been better being authentic. I know I go on and on about it, because to tell the truth, I don't have anything else. Without it my mind would retreat into the blank space. I can't seem to figure things out when it comes to life and people. Without it I would be dead in the water, still hoping for mother to love me. I think it helped open the passageway to my brain. And I am starting to remember more about things that happened in the past. Hmmm, a lifetime of counselling, and all it took was one simple word and its meaning and I was long out of the path of blaming myself for everything that happened. When I start to blame myself, I have my words.
A lot of people still believe that narcs are not assholes on purpose, Or that yeah, but they can't help themselves and we should be compassionate about that. One memory I have of mother, it was the last one, was that she told me that she loved to see me miserable. She did say that. Also, now, I remember how she can look the other way while her eyes would bug out trying to take in information. When I was in high school I had an issue with acne. This used to hurt me emotionally. Kids would tease, and they are not very nice. And at home I got no compassion for it. I remember that everything became a "pimple this and a pimple that", such as a houseplant growing a new leaf on it. Well, the new leaf was called a pimple, and I remember her staring straight into outer space with eyes wide. She could still see me out of the corner of her eye, and she would see me tormented. She was trying to gaslight me that this thing wasn't actually happening. That she wasn't being evil. I don't know. I think that is what she was trying to do. On purpose. She knew what she was doing was wrong, that is proof. So I can't really wrap my brain around that this is not their fault. That they can help it. And she used every opportunity to hurt me with the word pimple. Or that clamato juice would remind her of "pimple juice". Ok, sorry, that makes me wretch too. But I just have to say it. That WHORING DISGUSTING PIG does deserve a good mother's day afterall. lol
So I am concerned over my clothes! Its no big deal really, its only clothes, and I do my nails up all the time too, just like I did back in high school, but mother made me pay through the nose for it. I believe that part of me is authentic actually. I do my own nails. It might not last as long as a professional manicure, just a few days, but I love doing them, its fun. And cheap. Even poverty wasn't a problem, I could still afford to do them, and I still do them the same way. But years went by when mother was back in my life, I would stop doing my nails. Even getting out the nail clipper would send her into a psychopathic fit.
One thing I have to confess to right now is that I have a sugar addiction. I have to brush my teeth at least 4 times a day. I think that goes back to a posting I wrote about Brainwashed into Addiction. Well, mother was trying to turn me into a drunk, but she only managed to get me addicted to sugar. I have called it a sweet tooth, but I know it is much more than that. Because I just have to have my sweets.
If it is an addiction, then it isn't even authentic. All addictions are counteracted by feeling the direct emotions attached to it. The trick is to go without the addiction and feel all the emotions that go with that. That is it. It is so simple these things called words. Don't make it too hard. One thing I learned is that a hollowed out husk has an advantage in this. Things that are so hard to others are kind of easy for her because new words are brand new experiences and she has no prejudice in thinking this is way too hard. Just if she wants to give this up. But I don't think she is overwhelmed with overthinking. I don't. I've heard people say, "Dumbass, don't you know anything? It's not as easy as you think it is." Its ok, in this I like the naivety, its a blessing actually. So if it isn't the scary movies, its sugar. I can get my sugar from many sources, one I like is sweet coffee. We have hot chocolate in the house, which was my first addiction, but nowadays I prefer the sweet coffee. Because the hot chocolate only makes me want to have the real chocolate. I can still chomp down on a 5 pound chocolate bunny. I love opening an Easter bunny. I feel like it puts me into a trance. Me and chocolate and a good psychopath movie is my best time.
Is there a feeling attached to the sugar addiction? Without it, I'm uncomfortable, terribly uncomfortable. Do I want to go into the feeling of uncomfortable and see where it is at? I do, but for the time being, I'll admit to it here, and I'll think and pray about it. I just needed to talk about it first. It think that admitting all my issues puts a light on them. I used to hide these things, and I feel better now to share them.
I recently bought this skirt:
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So how do you describe someone, just by the clothes she wears? Not at all. There is more to being this high value that I keep talking about. Its not just with your head up in the air, although that does have a time and place. With the blame taken off my shoulders, I have definitely been able to hold my head much higher. Its about giving high value. I have to bring high value into everyone's life. How do I do that? By being authentic. Authenticity is the gift, it is when you aren't a taker, you are a giver. You have your emotional needs met from the source that comes from within you, and it shines forth. Any inauthenticity, you are sure to be low value and a taker. You can only be a gift to others by being yourself truly, that person is the gift. It is what God created.
So back to my clothes. Its not the clothes. Its just what I prefer to wear and it makes me comfortable to be myself in. This is not always easy or comfortable. I'm traditional, so what I wear is reflecting that, and some people don't like that. It makes them uncomfortable. It can make life very difficult for you if you are not feeling high value and being yourself. Saying I'm enough has been working for me very well. If you live a certain way, then you will have people give you a hard time over it. You will have to have words to save you.
And I don't mean that masculine women are not authentic or good. Of course they are! I've seen so many, and they are actually, yes, a force to be reckoned with, but will never trample over others. My daughter knows one who is a bricklayer by trade. She is funny, pleasant and kind. And she can be just like a man. My mother was like that too. And that wasn't the problem. Mother's trampling over me being me is the problem.
So I was supposed to be like mother. I believe God made naturally masculine women for a reason. They are a gift to me in a way that no feminine woman is, I see the value in it, I really do. And I would never dream to put a masculine in a dress and expect it from her to be like that. For she is not like that. My mother might have been uncomfortable in her masculinity, and felt inferior, so she retreated into sociopathy to cope. It is not my fault. Nor was it my responsibility to be tormented by her. I look like her and my body parts might look like her body parts.
Someone told me recently that he had strong good women in their family except when it came to his mother. That was Q1605. I loved that he told me that, thank you Q. Words that came back at me when I felt bad. We were talking of something else at the time, but he had to say those words. He had to say them so I could draw on them and gain comfort when looking in that mirror. So my body parts might actually come from a good decent woman from the past. Or many decent women of the past!
Wonderful. Mother didn't invent her own flesh and blood. It comes from God. Our strong genetics I bet probably did come from a good decent person. I don't know who they were, but it has got to be true!
Q has had to endure some nasty, mean words directed to him as of late. It was very undeserving, I know what they say, "Consider the source." So no big deal right? Yes it is a big deal. And men do have every right to feel whatever they want to feel. And to be an ACON. And pass judgement over their past. And no, they don't need to suck it up.
I usually feel like I'm not good enough. But this isn't the authenticity, this is the result of torture from a sociopath. I have to draw on words to be ok. Always it is words that I need. And now I have some new words about my body. These feet could have been the same kind of feet a wonderful ancestor had. That got up and tended to others needs. That tended gardens. That never walked into an unholy place. That woman did exist, she had too!
We look for resources in life. Sometimes the pain is too much to bear. As if someone would leave a mirror by my feet like that. But I always felt low, and now I had the feet to prove I descended from crap. But Q gave me a gift of words without even trying. I look at my feet differently now.
Words can save us or they can keep us locked into the past. I use words steadily, very important key words. Only because I can get caught in something if I don't. I don't have any other way of dealing with the struggles I face. Even in the regular life I live.
So where do these flowery and frilly clothes come from? Is it from me or is it from rebellion over mother. The journey continues.
I was reading your post diligently until you mentioned chocolate bunnies.....mmmmmm chocolate bunnies with ears just waiting to be bitten off and used to taunt a sibling. Q's not here anymore Joan he is in Cadbury creme egg land.
ReplyDeleteHave you ever seen "the Shining" That's where I came up with that Q's not here anymore. They are in a haunted mansion and Danny has supernatural abilities and when the mother tries to speak with Danny the voice tells her "Danny's not here Mrs.Torrance" meaning he left his body to avoid the coming horror.
DeleteI've seen the Shining. I remember that line of Danny's well. So that is what happened?
DeleteI hate that you can't get chocolate bunnies all year round. Somehow they are better than any other chocolate source.
ReplyDeleteOk, lol, hope you are enjoying Cadbury creme egg land.
I have a rule never to go to church on Mother's Day. Sitting there hearing about all the loving mothers is enough to make me vomit into the aisle. Most pastors have them stand up too. Here too the childlessness thing and "not having a family" always stood out. Who are these people who have close knit families and relatives living near by when all I had was the people I always saw the back of? Being middle-aged and childless, you are made to feel enough like a nobody, so years ago, I decided never to put myself through the Mother's Day gauntlet. Childless people were even abused in my family, told they were "selfish", "losers" for not breeding for the Borg. They didn't care about health problems or if the doctors told you, you'd die if you got pregnant or infertility or the fact you could barely take care of yourself.
ReplyDeleteYes some husks give you endless words while others give you nothing and silence but the end result is the same no communication.
So if it was 80 degrees on May 5th you still had to wear a winter coat? LOL such absurdity!
I grew up Catholic and never heard the difference between Roman and other Catholics.
Mine dressed masculine too and as you know from that one article even sewed pants for my extreme lippy body to try and make me wear some. She would mock me wearing flowered dresses. Like yours too, I was called a slob, in front of anybody but at least with my husband, she was scared to insult me in front of him. The one time they tired, we both walked out of the house and slammed the door.
I find dresses more comfortable and this may be true of you too. I made the decision saying, I feel better then them. I feel less hot. I feel less binded and constricted, literal for me.
When one is away and NC, you do start asking WHAT DO I LIKE? An authenticity sought for what you yourself desire. I stopped trying to please years ago but now I am throwing away the guilt of just being me.
Some people just dont get narcs, when they think they aren't enjoying their meanness or setting people up. The smirks my mother gave me told me for sure she was enjoying every minute. She enjoyed seeing me being cut off and ignored and ostracized too. Mine too told me she loved me to be miserable and that I deserved it. I kept wondering why so many bad things happened to me and still wonder why I've had such a hard life denied many things most take for granted. So sorry yours had the acne to abuse you over. A normal mother would help and get treatment and not blame.
One thing to consider is your mother didn't want you dressing pretty, this is why she got mad when you did your nails, or wore dresses. I know now mine dressed me ugly and like a boy on purpose. She didn't want a pretty daughter upstaging her. My mother actually has somewhat of a homely face with no chin. I think she hated me for having better facial looks. I remember mines scathing looks even when I was severely obese and wearing a long flowered dress. She would say "Why do you wear nothing but dresses?". How many pants fit women over 500lbs? They don't make jeans in this size and they'd look absurd.
Don't feel bad about a few sweets. I don't have a sweet tooth in my case but allow myself rare chocolate, its okay to have a treat.
I hate blazers too, stopped wearing them 20 years ago. They constricted my arms. One thing about suits is I believe they want people in clothes that make them feel bound up.
Some masculine women have their own style, they are themselves. We have to wear what we like. I have known nice masculine women too.
Yep about Mother's day and church. I will never do it again, I hope I remember next year. My mother dressed me like a boy because this was the way she was. I didn't feel happy when I was dressed slobby, but around mother it was better. I think I do find dresses more comfortable, and I do like nice nails. And it keeps me from hiding myself. People used to mistreat me so much when I dressed like a slob. When I'm done up, I get less of that. It does help me be more expressive too.
ReplyDeleteMy husband doesn't like jeans on me, and asked me to wear dresses years ago. And I told him that I preferred jeans, that I would never wear a dress. That was before I found the word authenticity. Before that word came into my life I used to just spout out what I was told from my past.
Sorry your mother made you wear pants and even made you some. That would be terrible because of the weight gain, you need to be comfortable. I like the dresses and find them very attractive no matter what the weight. Sometimes I feel sorry for men for that lol.
Yes my mother constantly taunted me. She would form this far away look, but I know she was looking directly at me. She would smirk too. This is why I can just suddenly feel depressed out of the blue, for no reason. But authenticity has helped me with that too, feeling the feelings and see where they go. That is where they went.
Well I would stay home next year. I've been doing this for 15 years not going to church on Mother's Day. I've had my years of being at home with no church, but even at my good one in my old town, they'd have the mother's stand up and the rest and even give them small gifts. I couldn't bear it anymore. I felt they got enough attention. I would have had children perhaps with normal finances and body but I was on a drug that caused severe birth defects for 15 years--[congestive heart failure and PCOS drug] Who wants to get pregnant at 500, 600, 700lbs? I was told I'd die by several doctors. One even tried to tell me when I was younger I was foolish to even dare to have sex, which is not something a married woman wants to hear. My fertility is suspect too. It was too painful and yes you feel the pain too I had as well of the Narc mother memories. There listening about these kind loving mothers. I feel like I have endless friends on Facebook who had these angels for mothers, it is crazy.
ReplyDeleteYes mark your calendar and stay home and make yourself a nice breakfast and tea. I slept through the morning that day.
Yes we were both dressed like boys. So many ugly dungarees and flannel shirts. So wonder the kids made fun of me. For a fat woman it is worse, because male clothing puts more of your body on display, especially if you have a large Lippy butt in tight jeans. I know I would have looked better in traditional clothing. She used to get angry at me for trying to wear long cardigans over the male clothing. She probably wanted me feeling exposed and vulnerable for more abuse from others. Life got interesting when I went goth. She could barely contain herself. I know later when I wore these long flowing, ankle length dresses, she was ready to lose it. I think both her and my sister wear ugly masculine clothing.
I know I overcompensate a bit for being a fat woman. Youll never see me leave the house in sweats. I wear necklaces where ever I go and the hair up in a bun. I got made fun of in my old town for "dressing like it was 1890" but I'd do it again. I had to be tortured with the ugly tight clothes where all my fat rolls and big butt were stared at, at least I can have clothes that are comfortable and don't put every thing on display.
My husband said he noticed I dressed like a girl and I wore those 90s hair bows in my hair. I wore a goth outfit with a cinched waste and flowing tunic on our first date with black boots. He thought my clothing was cool back then. I may try and sew some dresses soon and I have things in mind that I have wanted to wear. I have to wait for my next check to buy fabric, but I am going to use an old dress for a pattern and add a wide skirt. Pants and with my extreme shape were horrible. I wore the ugliest clothes possible for a young fat woman. My family had money, I did not have to dress that bad. She could have hired a tailor to sew me good clothes. Mine would smirk too. I remember that face. The last time I saw mine in person she had a giant smirk face.
I had kids but my mother didn't like it. When I told her I was expecting she would be very mad. I think this was difficult to her being engulfing and she lost that. She abandoned me shortly after. Then I was alone, then got divorced, and she still wouldn't have anything to do with me. Until like about 10 years ago. But I did live in poverty and raised my kids that way, not something that was easy to do. I didn't have any life skills. I think it was God that got me through, he never abandoned me.
ReplyDeleteIt was a good thing the Goth look got you through. Perhaps that was God's way of providing, and it doesn't always have to make sense. But at least you had an excuse to give to your mother, it wasn't the best excuse, she didn't like it, but ok, it worked.
I think its great that you do yourself up too. The self care is a chore at times, but it is worth it, just for the way it makes me feel. I just found some bath salts in a drawer that I didn't know I had. I think I'll try those out. So yeah, just continue to wear the dresses as much as you want, wherever you want. I would suggest to try not to think of how you would look in pants, its redundant, you just want to feel good and that is what counts.
Yes, I know our parents could have done better. You should have had good healthcare and tailored clothing. What little they could do, they wouldn't, it wouldn't have given them supply.