Brainwashing

"I'll never do dirt to youuuuuuu."

I don't know if this is one time or many times MN mother spouted those words.  But those were her exact words "I'll never do dirt to youuuuuu."  In the sing song voice that I have learned now means that she was lying.

But why?  Why would she say it.

Do you watch the soap opera the Young and the Restless?  They are doing a brainwashing storyline. I checked it out online to see if people are talking about it.  They are finding it too disturbing to watch.

In a nutshell the guy is being brainwashed into believing he married this woman that is holding him captive, meanwhile his ghost father is in the background telling him to "remember".  Basically the ghost father is trying to counteract the brainwashing.

Its good that they are doing this storyline.  It is tormenting to watch, but its so valid really.  Not that particular situation however.  I imagine the guy would not have any memories of actually exchanging vows with this woman and that will be the part where he becomes unbrainwashed.  I don't think it will be easy though.

I looked at my carefully manicured fingernail this morning and I could hear my mother say those very timely words.  I'm trying to put together the actual horror.  Its hard.

Mother was engulfing.   I fall for things too easily. Abusive relationships, seriously TWO????? Didn't I learn anything from the first one?   I'm being authentic and it is helping me through.  This genuineness sometimes is too weird.  Yes, sometimes it is like a blood sport.  Sometimes there is this voice in my head thinking he'll abandon me if I am authentic.  It is working all the time but I have not learned to trust it yet.

I feel like it can go wrong for me at any moment.  I was taught that it will not fail.  It is based in real science this stuff I took, I just have no way of knowing for sure.  I have no personal ability to gauge it accurately.  It has taken me through some very rough stuff though, so why am I still so unsure?

Why did my mother have to tell me that she'll never do dirt to me?  I was very young, that is what I'm sure of.  When I look down on my well manicured nail I can remember it being a teeny tiny hand. That teeny tiny hand was very still.  When it heard mothers words it moved and was moving happily. So what happened before that?  There was peace and contentment (probably false) before that.

I remember the horror when I first entered into the ACON world.  This is what I want to write about.

There I was, freshly read from a relationship expert.  The course I took was long and arduous.  It covered brainwashing believe it or not.  The first step was to get it out of your brain that not all men just want sex.  How do you do that?  Well, think of just one man in your life that doesn't want just sex. That was easy.  For me it was the father-in-law.  A perfect example.  He is a paragon of virtue.

Ok, there it is you have just proven to yourself that not all men just want sex.  If there is one man you can think of that doesn't want just sex, you have cancelled that statement all together.

Well, that course was two weeks long.  And through it we are taught so much.  We had to forget everything we ever learned about love and relationships, even the stuff we perceived as good, all of it had to go.  And you were walked all the way through it in baby steps, in a very easy language.  It was emotional clean up time.  Garbage bags and all.  I think it was three lessons of doing that.  She was unbrainwashing us, I was so scared, but I was at the end of my rope, at the point in my life where I would try anything.

As a result I started to change.  I no longer believe in "picking my battles carefully" when it comes to relationships.  No more "needing to compromise."

This opened up the door for me to practice reality.  To question things.  Life immediately started to change.

Something else also happened in my mind.  This was unplanned for, not really part of the program.

I remembered mother telling me that she loved to see me miserable.  It was the last thing she ever said to me.  I don't remember how I began the research to find out what this statement of mothers meant.  But all I had was that one statement.  I found Anna Valerious.  I read this sentence from her blog,

"This person does not mean you well."  

This is the most powerful statement I ever read.  My mind really went back over time.  The times I deeply loved mother, the times we were planting a garden, the times we did things together, I was actually very terrified of mother.  Then more truths came to light.

I think it is very hard to awaken to the truth of a narcissistic mother.

So much is programmed to "love" her.  You just don't know any better.  All you got is these symptoms in your own body and mind.  "Why am I such a screwup?  I had the best life growing up." Programming, that is all it is.

This constant second guessing of myself is crazy.  Do you know what it feels like when you can't help but second guess yourself because you can't trust yourself?  Mother told you that you can't be trusted for anything?  But this was mother, she had to tell the truth, right?  There is nothing wrong with not trusting yourself.  It means you are a good person, not vain, not high and mighty, not full of yourself.  That it is good to put others first.  Not yourself.  Do you remember having those thoughts?

Do you know what that actually translates into?  It translates into self loathing, people walking all over you, mistreating you, because you don't have it in yourself to defend yourself.  Self defense was stripped away horribly and heinously with no regard for your well being.  But you were taught that evil mother was good.

But it doesn't matter because through all the hateful, mean things she did, she will bake you a cake and you will walk away with your cake believing horrible things about yourself.  Not knowing any better, you will think these things you feel about yourself come from you.  You will forget about the source.  That is the purpose of that cake.

Listening to what she had to say to you all the time.  She could never stand to be away from you, you were just too precious to her?  Meanwhile, you stood directly in the face of insults, blaming, torments from her? This part was important not to remember directly coming from mother.  You would just feel them down to your bones, that you were never good enough, your very existence is dependent on her, you have ruined her life, you were held captive.  You had no choice.  She had made the choice. And so you lived with the pain.

You had no idea she was so evil down to her core.  You constantly looked for things that made her good, even to the point of making them up in your head.  You just had to survive afterall, you were only a child.  There was no justice in her eyes, she would hold little children captive for her wants and needs.  You had to cope with the trouble growing up.  Every spot of pain you could ever feel will make her feel good.  You weren't given peace, you weren't allowed to rest for one moment.  You had to suffer there was no other purpose for you.

Who wants you on their baseball team when all you would do is screw up.  Second guess yourself to the point where other people could drink at the same dirty well of betrayal that mother created.  Other people would abuse you too.                                                                              

Then you are to be blamed for it.  It is your fault.  "Why do you make yourself a target for?"  Ok, I won't make myself a target anymore.

So you find heros.  Heros in inspiratational songs.  I like some of Hedley, he has very inspirational songs.  Or superheros.  I used to like the Power Rangers.  They can morph at anytime to be strong and powerful.  "I could be like that."  You start to believe in hope. Decades pass and you are still believing in hope.  "Hope is eternal."  I sure proved that one.  You start to believe in happy endings. You believe you will have your own happy ending "someday very soon, I can feel it."

Everyone else around you are making it, they are successful.  But I am the screw up and it is my fault.  I waited my whole life for success.  I sacrificed living in the moment and missed the "now and wow" moments I could have had with my children and lived for the day when all my dreams would come true.  I stayed with a malignant narcissistic spouse that eat, shit and sleep all day.  Still I kept telling myself,  "Oh yeah, we will be fine some day soon, I can feel it."  I put on a Hedley song, or I watch The Power Rangers.

You are living in a constant state of crisis that is so hard to see because you are trying so hard to make your life work and that has your constant focus.

When mother comes back into your life after 20 years of ignoring you, you start to get the feeling that your health is unwell, you can't pay your bills, your scared to leave the friggin house.  Things that didn't torment you before.  You have new torments.  She was gone for twenty years because she met a guy that was "good in bed".  Whatever that means.  He didn't want her children around.

She comes back in and the torments started again.  "You can't take care of yourself.  You are stupid." It starts all over again.  Oh, why didn't that guy just keep mother?  She loved the fact that he "made the toes curl up, and my feet left my body when he was having sex with me, ohhh he was so good in bed."

Do you know this before the awakening?  Has the brainwashing closed your ears so much that you can't even hear her?  Of course you do hear her.  You are not stupid, she could never groom you to be actually stupid.  You only felt stupid.  You heard everything and you knew in your heart that what was happening was wrong.   But it becomes invalid in your eyes, you overlook her callous sex talk, her rude outbursts, her mean putdowns.  You have to understand mother.  She is good, she will bake you a cake.

You don't have to be scared of anger.  I can tell you right now, that it is not making me "horrible". My loved ones are not being affected by it.  We are capable of directing the anger where it belongs. Its ok to feel things now.  I don't know how long it is supposed to last, and no one can tell you that. This horror of reality is hard to take in.  You will have no room for trying to understand your abusers. And don't even bother to try to stress yourself out with that.  You are entitled to every feeling across the spectrum.  Any defense for the abuser will be directly throwing you under the bus.  And silence the victim.

You find out you grew up as a captive and constant source of narcissistic supply.

For no good reason, there are no good reasons for what happened to you.

There is no way to explain evil anyway.  Anyone who tells you otherwise is a fraud.  It won't even feel normal to you, make you feel like you are just horrible for being so angry.  Don't ever feel horrible for feeling angry.  Even if it goes on for a very long, long time.  Who cares how long it goes on for.  Those who tell you its unhealthy to hold onto anger?  Will be nullifying and silencing you. You have a voice now, talk, speak up.  Tell me the horror stories, you will not shock anyone here.  I know that because I have not seen anyone here shocked yet.

To hell with someone trying to make you think that the narcissist can't help it.  The truth is they could have tried.  They knew how,  And they never did.  YOU WERE BETRAYED BY THE VERY PERSON YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO TRUST ALL YOUR LIFE. There is no justifying it.

When I first came onboard here everyone was just so darn bang on with what I was feeling.  It became safe to vent too.  Old things from the past started to come to light.  The actual truth was upon me and it has been getting better each and every day, even with the anger.  Truth is good.