This is not to blame or shame anyone but something that has been touched, that is very close to heart really, and I just can't seem to let go. This is only my opinion of course, but I do have so much knowledge from experience, from reading that I need to get it out.
No reputable relationship expert I have ever heard of can ever give you advice on how to live successfully with a narc. Sigh, there I said it.
And another thing, this has been said somewhere, out in outer space, that sometimes you can. Sometimes you can have a relationship with a narc, you just have to have compassion, a good maternal instinct. Sounds good right? Then it is followed with, "But I don't recommend it for most cases."
Here is Joan S reviews of that. Bullshit. That is not how the mind works. You can't claim to give advice then follow it with that kind of disclaimer, that is not how the brain works. The brain works like trying to make it work with the narcissistic spouse. In other words, years ago that advice would have given me hope to fix things and I would have ignored the disclaimer.
It would have caused me to invest more years living with a freak, because I would have been given false hope. Or maybe could have brought my death.
Here is what reputable relationship experts I have read have to tell you about how to make things work with a narcissistic spouse.
Um, yeah nothing.
Well said! Now back to my marshmallow peeps.
ReplyDeleteIt's dangerous advice, to tell people that you can reach out to narcs, [Im talking full blown malignants] Isn't one core part of therapy you can't change others but you can only change yourself? When it comes to abuse, the best thing to do is to draw boundaries -no contact and remove yourself from the situation. I think many people imagine that everyone's mind works the same, and they do not get that some simply do not think the way they do. There is no guilt or niggling conscience, there is no human loss in such minds. Thanks for stating this one. There is no living successfully or happy with a mal narc. Even for the people FORCED to deal with one--court orders, shared custody of children, any good advice is about how to navigate the battle field to avoid getting hurt. Telling people that one day you will open the narcs eyes and they will "see you" and "wake up" to feelings is a lost cause.
ReplyDeleteThanks. Yes, you can only change yourself and you can learn to have a deep understanding of the other person as an individual but that is basically it. They do have to have a conscience so they can hear you clearly express yourself.
ReplyDeleteIt might be hard to distinguish the difference between a malignant and just a plain narc when your mind wants just to work things out. We don't think rationally at that time. And that is why dating should be very serious business, we need to be able to weed these things out. But if someone is already stuck with a narc, they want to believe he is not all that bad. So you are trapped to try to change them. I was in that situation, and I just should have left right away and I didn't.
ReplyDeleteThat's why no one gives advice on this. It is very complicated. I think regular narcs are dangerous too. We all have some grandiosity, but grandiosity is beyond manageable in the narc. You can't ever cross them. To try to work things out for them, you will be the constant doormat. Malignants are the predators, even worse. And I think malignants are more charming. Regular narcs, it just sucks to be around them. I think so.
Even as a Christian I would have to say to leave.
Its that spectrum thing. That's why dating should be taken very seriously.