Another Learning Lesson

I was recently at a birthday party for my grandbaby. She is 3 years old now.  Just picture a circle of 3 year olds sitting down playing duck, duck, goose, if you will.  One of the girls started to cry and get emotional when she got to be the goose.  All crying and teary eyed, and big sobs.  Her feelings were hurt.  Did it make sense that her feelings were hurt?  Of course, it did.  To her it made sense her feelings were hurt.  Anyway they stopped playing the game and the little girl got hugs and kisses from her mom.  The emotions went on for some time.  Would you tell this baby to get over it? Would you even dream of telling this sweet little girl that her feelings didn't matter.  She was only three, maybe the game was a little too confusing, who knows.  There are no words, just feelings.  I get it, I uh, .......I do it too.

I know there are a lot of narc supporters.  I can't seem to let it go.  These people claim to have been abused by them, and have decided to overlook the grief into trying to see the narc for what it could have been.  "This could have been a nice person, but given their life circumstances they needed to retreat into a world of narcissism as a way to survive".  Long drawn out paragraphs, we learn to trust them and start overlooking the bullshit.  I recently went through this trust, and the long paragraphs, and at the end, they basically were nonsense.  I wanted to ask, "Why are you stealing stuff?"  Yeah, I wanted to ask that big question when I was lurking over at another board and the narc sympathizer in question was stealing, and I feel it strongly in my heart that as ACON's the very least we can do is respect another's boundaries.  And respect another's hard work.  And the stuff she was stealing was not even narc sympathy stuff.  So go figure, I was confused.  But it didn't matter that I was confused, all that mattered was the tender feelings of narcissists, not me.

The next time I go and comment on someone's board, I think I'll ask them if they are a narc supporter straight out.  But, maybe I won't get an answer straight out.  Usually, they play a little game, "no I would never be a narc supporter,"  But at the the end of it all, they are definitely a narc supporter. This is so confusing.  Its like that duck, duck, goose game.  It sounds straight forward, but to a three year old it can be confusing.  I know how that little girl feels.  I want to go and cry too.

Some are so new to this and are trying to offer this different perspective.  Overriding the knowledge given to them by the survivors who have had their eyes open for quite some time now.  They had time to ponder this.  Me, with less than a year under my belt, I'm still learning so much.  But I now know, that any support for a narc will put you 6 feet under.  It is a miracle to be alive now.

It is a miracle to be alive now.  Gee, I can't get over that.  It was easy to be a target all my life.  Like an ex had told me, "You make yourself the target, don't blame anyone else."  I was on to Lucky Otter's narc support, and have told her in several comments.  She talked me out of it.  I got confused. I needed the support of the longtime ACON's.  I almost bought into her "support".  I am new, but she was even more newer than me, preaching the way is love the narc.

Sorry, sorry, sorry, I'm not trying to bash anyone here.  I've been hurt, sigh, and gaslighted.  I'm only trying to express those emotions freely.  Seriously, that is all I am doing.  And I'll even acknowledge that it probably isn't even that bloggers intention to cause this gaslighting.  She probably has good intentions, but the shit she is spitting out is dangerous nonetheless.  She needs to learn about boundaries, that's for sure.

And I want to say, Lets all be serious and its ok and even good to bash narcissists.  A narc supporter sounds like they are just nice people.  Too nice.  But they are not being nice.  They will throw you under the bus in a hurry, they are liars.  They don't know the meaning of real love, not the way Jesus taught.

This is not just a simple difference of opinion here.  This is evil in very nice clothes.  Look through the nonsense, see that they are lying and even stealing to get what they want.

The way is love, don't get me wrong.  I was chased here with my present husband by my MN mother. He was, shall we say, not easy to get along with and even harder to understand.  I revel in how far we've come.  It was not that long ago that I told him that I expected marriage.  He was only wanting a cohabitating relationship, in which I would meet my own needs in the relationship that he would not be responsible at all.  He would not even accept God.

I was willing to give him an out.  Look, the circumstances that brought me here, well, I was on survival mode.  All he did was save me from a sociopath.  He did that well.  He would have done that for anyone, a stranger even, and that is basically what I was.  I had nothing to blame him for if he wanted to have out.  He was a hero.  But I have other wants and needs that are separate from this and I didn't want to give that up just because I was trying to escape a malignant narc.

But he didn't want an out.  He was willing to make a relationship with me and that was hard for me to understand.  So I stuck around, did some reading, got some knowledge, and that knowledge put me on the steps of recovery.  Boy, was I messed up.

I pulled myself out of wanting approval for every darn thing!  I told him what I wanted straight out. It was marriage, him to accept God, and that I wasn't setting him up, I was willing to let him have an out.  But at this point I wasn't settling, and if he wanted me these were the terms.  (He was basically a victim to MN mother too).  He didn't like it. He told me no, that its ok for me to hope for such things but in no way would he provide it.  I sat down in the livingroom and he went into the bathroom.  Not five minutes had passed and he came back out of the bathroom, saying "ok".  You see, I told him what I wanted and didn't make the demand from him.  I actually took him out of the equation, so he had no reason to feel defensive.  I would have what I wanted and I believed I was high value enough to expect it.  I told him I wanted everything.  A few minutes later it was a joke he came up with laughing, "Now don't ask for anything else."

We don't need to seek approval.  What's with these blogs looking for attention, money, fame. Pronouncing the ACONness, and even exploiting it.  I never got approved on Lucky Otter's blog for her list.  I guess I wasn't famous enough.  She stole stuff from well known ACON's to make herself look good.  She rode on their coat tails, even though she didn't agree with them, just to be popular. I was horribly confused and gaslighted.

I'm seriously not trying to start a war here.  I've been gaslighted and I'm trying to write it out and put it all into perspective.  This is about me and my recovery afterall.  And I don't mind exposing a liar, I don't.

Seeking approval is a drug you will need over and over again, because it is not long lasting.  I go away and come back on my blog over and over.  I'm busy, I have a life to live, this is only a part of that life.  I choose to live according to the principles I chose.  I choose God and I choose myself.  I choose to never seek approval.  If I do seek approval, I look to what other needs I have that are being unmet, either in my marriage or in myself.

In the presence of a narc my ears start buzzing.  Its pure terror is what it is.  I recently got a dose of that during a confrontation in a parking lot.  It wasn't that bad this time.  The terror sure was bad.  But I had a new perspective and that was this person was a waste of human flesh.  No better than a pile of rubble.  I will bash narcissists forever it seems.  For me it is the healing way.

I guess Lucky Otter says that they choose to be a narcissist in childhood and they can't help it anymore.  I guess so, but I leave it up to God.  If God won't connect to them, then how can I?  That's as simple as I want to look at it.

There are a lot of people supporting the narcs.  And this even the way to help them, they need to be held accountable, not hugged.

I don't get support.  I don't get loved for being abused.  The whole world kisses the ass of the abuser.  Ok, I get a little emotional at times.  I simply had it with people who seek out popularity.  I have never been in that mix.  I will never be in that mix.  I will never be chosen as the popular person good enough to be included in the party.  I fail to even understand how.

Back in the beginning of my relationship, my husband told me that I was always expecting to be treated like a princess.  I said, "Yeah, its true."  I guess he was trying to hurt my feelings, so I was supposed to be tough and say no I didn't want to be treated like a princess.  Then start to act accordingly.  It didn't happen.

He was totally free to explore the world for that tough woman who could take care of herself.  He might have felt obligated to me, but I could stand alone if need too.  I have three children that all had homes and I could have started over by myself after mother went no contact with me.  I had places to go.  I didn't need him so much anymore.  Mother was gone.

He didn't take that opportunity, but instead gave me what I wanted out of life.  With him or without him I would have had it.  Sure, I might have been scared but that is not new to me.  I would have made it.

We have talked about this recently.  It was interesting how he felt so scared of, not me being alone, but him being without me.  He was scared of being without me.  It was beyond love, a sort of connection that neither of us have had before.

He told me that I'm good to him.  That I don't look for my own self, but I really understand him.  Its funny, but there are lots of times I'll cry and I'll do it for hours.  "Just I have strong feelings right now, I don't know how to explain it."  In other words, I live in my own body and I don't try to take over his.  I live with boundaries, and I respect his boundaries.  And I totally expect him to respect my boundaries.  I try to talk the truth, no matter if it hurts, even if it takes me days to do so.  Lots of pain associated with that, I can't even tell you.  I'm hurt and he friggin knows when I'm hurt.  There are no games here.  I don't try to hide my feelings, but I use my words.  I don't try to "man" up and hold things in, they are displayed on the open.

Just a word of caution here, if you wait days to tell him, the pain only gets worse.  It gets harder to tell the truth.

I try to be completely authentic.  For me, that includes red nails and dresses, sometimes not always. Sometimes I'm up to my ears cleaning the kitchen.  Sometimes I'm in pajamas for the day. Sometimes I'm reading a book, sometimes I'm sewing, sometimes I'm watching tv, or writing etc, etc, etc.  There is no way to tell what I'm doing at any point in time.  Sometimes I'm happy, sometimes I'm sad, sometimes I'm angry, or hurt or scared.  I am no longer as one dimensional scared as I always was.

He says he's happy to come home to me.  He's not scared that he'll come home to me bitchin.  If I feel like bitchin then I try to look to my authentic feeling instead and feel that instead of bitchin.  I feel that I'll bitch less when I do that.  I know this might not be a Christian way for me to talk, but I'm stuck, and if God shows me another way, I'll do that instead.

I was the daughter of an engulfing sociopath.  I struggle to find true feelings daily.  Right now I have to pull myself out of it daily.  It is not an easy way to be.  I would much rather not even look after my needs, not because it is easy, but because it is what I'm used to.  I might say that I don't feel like washing my face and combing my hair, but the actual authentic feeling is that I'm simply not used to it.  But on the outside that looks like I'm lazy, so in order not to "look" lazy I do it for approval.  That is not the way to be at all.  Do I want to comb my hair because it is good for me and will make me feel better about myself in the long run?   This is a question I have to ask myself daily.

No I will never be popular.  I can't even relate to it.  For me, looking for approval is akin to not saying what I want to my guy because I'm afraid he will shoot me down.  If he shoots me down then that means I'm garbage to begin with.  C'mon, you know that is not true.  But it is a constant battle.

Sometimes it feels like I say things to him that he is going to hate me for.  "I feel horrible, and upset, that I need this or that, and I don't have it."  Call it what you will, manipulation I suppose.  Call the woman who wants something manipulative?  If I have this or that I might be more happier and more joyful than ever before, and bring more joy into his life as a result.  I have told him that there are things he says to me that I don't like.  Or rather that they hurt me and makes me feel upset.  I never "suck it up".  Ok, I know I'm not explaining this well, lol.

I never try to fake nice.  I did once and it had horrible consequences for us.  He was out helping his ex with something, and I stayed here and "sucked it up".  Then I would have this bitchy attitude when he came home.  Nowadays, he would not even try to help his ex.  But back then I had this horrible MN friend who told me I had to be nice to the ex.  But the ex wanted him back.  So I had to play this game where I had to pretend that it didn't matter to me.  But it did.  I didn't even like his ex.  Not because she was his ex, but because she was a horrible person.

She told him that he never shaves on his days off.  She told him over and over to shave and he wouldn't.  They had serious fights about it.  But, he shaves now and all it took was authenticity on my part.  So he doesn't like to shave on his days off?  I can completely understand that.  Afterall, he wants to take it easy on those days.  Why not?  Is it any of my business that he is trying to relax?

But I remember one day that he did shave and I commented on how happy that made me.  I much preferred it.  From then on he began shaving regularly.  Somedays he doesn't but that's ok, I understand.  Those are the days he's very relaxed.

I want to absolutely talk about my progress in life thus far.  Much of it had to do with my relationship, and how much authenticity has helped me, although I am still not used to it.  I also wanted to say that if you are not being authentic, then you are not living, you are just existing.  If you are seeking approval at every turn then you are just existing to feed a drug.  If you are hugging narcs then that has got to be the biggest bullshit the world has ever seen.

Look, I could never hold down a job.  I couldn't provide for myself.  I couldn't be in a relationship that wasn't abusive.  I was set up to die.  Did I do this to myself?  No friggin way.  So I will never feel sorry for a narc.