Narcs Abuse Victims, Really?

I am getting very aware that I am so programmed for pain its just horrible.  Its like I have no other existence.  If I just shut myself away, it just feels worse.  I try to volunteer to help others out because this is supposed to be therapeutic.  This level of giving has to take precidence over our own feelings, so I don't know.  I don't want to block any feelings here, so I am hoping that is not the reason they call it therapeutic.

I just woke up this morning and its like the whole thing has hit me with full force yet again.

My little cat caught a mouse.  There it was in the morning before I could have my coffee.  It was on the kitchen floor, laying on the floor, guts poured out and when I went to move it it was stuck to the floor, it took some effort to get it off.  I've seen cats kill mice before and usually the mouse is still intact, but he mutilated the mouse.  My cat is less than a year old, and here he was all excited, and all proud of himself.  His inexperience caused him to leave a mess.

Was it nice the cat caught the mouse?  Yes, of course.  We don't want to live with mice, the field mice are always trying to get into the house, and now the cat prowls the house looking for more mice. Next time he does I hope I'm not alone in the house and hope its not first thing in the morning.

What a blessing but gee, was it ever disgusting.  But we will never have mice in the house as long as we have our kitty.  He is a mouser.

Isn't it strange how something so horrible can actually be good?

I've been having some panic attacks lately.  It comes from nowhere and shoots right through me.  I prayed to God to help me, I don't want pills ever again.  You want to know what happened?  I've been getting visions of MN mother.

Not just visions.  I can see her EYES.  Those eyes that would look at me and not look at me at the same time.  I always see one grey eyelash in there.  The putrid eyes have no soul.

Bad thoughts come pouring in, I'm in pain, but in a short while, I see those eyes, then I'm overloaded with sheer anger.  Instead of pain, fear, despondency, panic, I feel anger.  Anger about mother.  I can see those eyes as clear as day now.  Those eyes used to suck up narcissistic supply faster than a guzzler can suck down a beer.  Putrid and disgusting it is to see those eyes in my mind, they are necessary.

I saw those eyes in my mind's eye and I now know they are soulless.  There is no one in there.

I feel so angry some days, I don't know what to do with it.  Just tonight I found out my oldest daughter is talking to my brother's MN wife on facebook.  I'm thinking, "Come talk to me, you evil bitch, I will be putting all the evil you have done, and it will be ALL BACK ON THE TABLE."  All the shit she did will be unburied  (I buried it, because I was ........choke, compassionate).  That evil bitch will get it now.

When will I get used to this?  There was once this movie or this play, it was called, "The Little Match Girl."

OMG

I think I cried for days when I watched that.  It was such a horrific story.  I could never bear to watch it ever again.

Reality is that I know something now that I didn't before.  Narcissists were never abuse survivors. Call it what you will, a revelation, a move of God, it all placed inside my head, and it dawned on me that this is the way it is.  Its like this.  We were born with the ultimate choice, do what you will. Some people have made that choice to go conscienceless, maybe they were weak so they found it easier.  It was a process and they stuck themselves to the evil side, because it was easier, more fun whatever.

All this happened to me because I went to a dumbass blog that talked about the poor narcs as abuse survivors and had no other way to cope so they put on this mask and they spend the rest of their lives worrying about this mask, poor them.  Ok, I want to puke too.

If you put up an ACON blog, sooner or later I'll happen along, its just the way it is.

No.  That bad adult was the bad kid too, I just know it.  It settled into my heart and it has been there for awhile now.  It is so relieving to know this, but in some ways it feels worse.

It means that there was no reason for my abuse.  If I could believe my mother was railroaded by abuse to be abusive herself, then maybe the abuse had a purpose.

But it didn't!

Now, I don't blame someone who feels that they gotta believe that their parents were abusive because they were abused.  I can't, in a way it makes things easier.  But easier is not reality.  It is a way of escaping fear.  We are afraid to face anger.  Anger is bad right?

Wrong!  In my last posting, I talked of a boy who became a man.  He was always very angry over his FOO, but that wasn't the part that made him lose himself.  He lost himself because he gave in and at some point really believed the stuff his lousy parents were telling him.  He was angry, so therefore he is abusive, but he has never seen the inside of a jail before.  All this anger, and he never took it out on anyone.

Mother was abusive.  She had always been that way.  If she was the little matchgirl in the play she would have torched the town and everyone in it.

I can see her eyes again in my mind.  There is nothing there.  Maybe she didn't plan to destroy me, but either way she wouldn't have cared.  It was that narc supply she was after.  At any cost.

Narcs appear in our lives.  They are not good people.  In the bible, in the second part of the first chapter of Romans, they are talked about, they are explained in great detail.  "They have given way to........".  There is not talk there if they were abuse survivors.  There is no talk anywhere in the bible where abuse causes abuse.  Not to my knowledge anyway.

Narcs and sociopaths are talked about in the bible.  Not with those words, but every detail that you can think that a narc is there it is.  There is no talk about redeeming them.  The seared conscience even God has backed away from.  So how can I hope to gain access to something that God won't?

It is lost on me how they really became this way.  All I'm saying is that they were never forced to be this way.  They probably have come from loving families, but still chose to be horrible.  Or they may have come from abusive families, but still chose it.  Either way, there is no way abuse breeds abuse.

I think more that the bible says that if you abuse your children they will not be able to take care of themselves.  They don't become abusers.

This is the reality that I have to face.  Sure, it may make it easier to believe otherwise that my poor mother didn't mean for this to happen.  Wake up!

Truth is, there is no one home in her eyes.  There lies just the liar, who lied and said she was a good mother.  She never had any good intents.  This wasn't the "good kid at one time".  Never, there was no one ever there.

So what am I saying then, just throw them into the ditch and never look back?  Well, yes we can. That pop can that is already in the ditch served a much greater purpose than mother ever did, give the pop can the funeral it deserves.

DISCLAIMER:  I am speaking from pure emotion tonight, please don't take this for yourself if you don't want to.