The Show Goes On

I've taken the day off today, for being sick.  I am sick.  My attempts of having to show initiative at work, had caused me great tummy upsets.  All last night, I totally dreaded going to work today.  I woke up sick.  Then this morning, calling in sick, made me feel even more sick.  I think sickness is an adaptation of some kind.  Maybe its a way of avoiding, but it is sickness, nonetheless.

I have to admit I've had a lot of anger to deal with while writing about my bungled attempts at working.  Some of it wasn't so nice.  And it seems strange as I sit here, and I'm literally attacking people who have a hard time paying the rent.  It seems odd and out of place for me.  Am I angry at them for being poor?  No, I am angry at them for being poor and not learning a damn thing from it. I'm angry because they don't see, nor don't care as others get mistreated around them, I'm angry for they will bend over backwards to please the narc, as I shared in my story about a woman who was mean to me, and pushed me out into just doing the clothes rolling.  All this while I drive a better car than my bosses do.  And none of this makes sense.  Not to me, anyway.  I will still carry the ACON card written on my forehead, even with studded tires and a four-wheel drive.  Does that make any sense to you?  

They don't know anything else about me.  Not that I live in a lakehouse, or that I go grocery shopping on a day that is not our work payday.  But, it is my husband who carries the bills here.  You might as well say that I am subservient to him.  And we have had our problems, and oftentimes I am very painfully aware of what a life without him would bring me.  I feel badly about being offensive on here, as I must take this journey, I just have to.  Everything in my body screams for it.  And if there is something in my heart that is evil I do want that revealed to me.  That would be very precious to me. So I will sift and I will search, and if something is out of place, I will be sure to find it.

I remember my mother, and I remember my aunt telling me, that it was just mother's way, and I had to be tolerant of it.  I tried for a time, but I avoided mother totally, some time after 2005, I don't remember how long I'd been back in contact.  The whole family looked down on me, but they were also looking down on me when mother was putting me down.  It was like they were believing what mother to be saying of me.  The put downs were severe, and I was trained to not say anything about it.  It was my duty as a daughter.  But for everyone to laugh while mother did it?  It was only my husband who said mother was abusive, that a light came on, and I started to see more clearly.

But I also wanted to talk about a young woman at work who is seen in the same light as I am.  She is not given more tasks at work, she is given the same job as me.  Running through the store, rolling out clothes.  She is a little odd.  I can see it.  Maybe even more as a misfit than me, she could not get the hang of using a swiftattach, when we were called to duty when there was no one else.  But she is a very nice person, even going above and beyond the call of duty to reach out to me, when I was feeling badly.  And she goes around trying to be appeasing to everyone else, while I just hate them.  

But its interesting, when she needs help with something, she turns to me, and once I discovered I was I was in shit for helping, I told her that.  Others could help her, it was ok, but I did not have the power.  But others wouldn't help her, they just watch as she fails over and over again.  I am powerless to help.  She is part of the reason I'm so sick today.  As we work together, I am hardpressed and I can't take it.  

So I'm going to be giving my notice to quit my job soon.  It was a painful realization I had last night. When I came on to write today, Q1605 reminded me of the fact that there is a difference between acon men and acon women.  If I was a man earning the bacon, then I would have to suck up all this crap.  No kidding.  I would be lost trying to earn my way in the world, and I was lost trying to earn my way in the world.  And I am deeply in awe of any ACON who does somehow manage the bad treatment, and the crappy work.  Sorry, Q for taking liberties, but I appreciate your authenticity on the matter.  This was what I was trying to prove on the matter, and I failed miserably.   We are ACON's and the simple matter of earning a living is hard for us.  And there won't be any momsy or dadsy to comfort us in any way, shape or form.  And actually if you were to tell them they would only have a nice source of supply.  

I'll be giving my notice once I get in touch with my voc rehab worker, as I won't make this big of a decision without her.  It sucks how she told me what to do, and I cannot.  Its like I know it won't make any difference any way to these people here.  But she says it doesn't matter, then what's the point?  I have another idea I will share with her after New Year's.  She won't be back until then.

I'm going to try finding the type of work an ACON can do.  The type of environment we need to be in.  Unfortunately, in this day and age we can't go job hopping, it is not seen well, and I'm going to try to make a transition of some kind, I don't know how, but I will talk to her and find out.  

The world seems to see us as "low functioning".  But it isn't that.  Its more about second guessing ourselves all the time, and learned helplessness.  And that takes a lot of our time.  Unfortunately, its something we have to live with.  And somehow make our ways in the world.  We had to serve at the royal hands of narcissists.  If you were me, you were born with a giant parasite over you, who was sucking the very life out of you. There is just no way to get over that, at least that is what I discovered.  

So, I will tell my worker, I just can't do it.  There are some things about my disability that makes it a disability.  And this is one.  I cannot show initiative on the job.  And I don't care about trying anymore.